opps


i think i need to apologize. i'm sorry about that picture *and* the rude explaination i posted yesterday.
okay. tiff and i *were* just really hyper and crazy but i guess that doesn't really entitle us to do whatever and not care about how ppl might interpret it. i guess when we posted the pic (which is gone now so if you never saw it forget about it.) we never really felt like we owed anyone an explaination which is why i was so irritated when certain people seemed to be "anal" about it. we were jsut like "whatever they just got no sense of humour" ... but i guess it's cuz they never offered an explaination or i never bothered to pay any attention to the explaination of why they didn't like it. i certainly don't want to portray myself like that for real which it could be interpreted as for real by some or it could be interpreted as some sort of alter-ego/ change in character that is part of me. it isn;'t. i dont' do drugs and i don;'t think that's cool or whatever. i guess it was just so far from the truth that we thot it was entertaining. and in reference to the caption.. we ARE church girls =) i love Jesus more than anything/anybody... and now that i think about it He wouldnt' be pleased by that either. so i'm sorry. this is a lot more sincere than the other one. i wasn't sorry yesterday that's for sure. but thanks to a good friend who took the time to explain why this might be objectional i was able to look at it in another point of view and realize it wasn't a great thing to do. =P thanks ^_^ kk ... will prolly post l8r but i wanted to do this b4 more ppl saw it.

sigh
aights. the pic below is pure jokes ok? wow. tiff and i were just really really really hyper it's not a big deal. we are not trying to look baddass we're not trying to promote the smoking of weed. i would take down the pic but then this wouldn't make any sense. maaan... it's like tiff said last night "i always have to clarify things with everyone and justify things with everyone" so true. so hears the clarification for those who didn't get a good laff outta it. sorry... just being crazy and weird.

icq deleted my list!!!! =( soooo... plz msg me thanks =)

snow is awesome =) snowwwwwyyyyyy pics should be up soon... i have my webshots linked now... i only have like lifesong pics and glo pics up tho ... gonna take me a bit but gonna get my pics up =)

kk... back to regetting contacts... l8r =)

high on life.
me and tiff.... are.... happy. rofl.... u'll see....

what tiff will never be... =P "punkrock prom queen.... "
don't i look cute? ... more like a deformed puppy O_o
my sister needs to stop eating so many beans.

tired.
gotta make a cd for worship but i just added two new links go check it out =P well erics isn't really new i guess i think she's already linked to losta ppl...
but let me introduce u to..... CHANGERBANGER =) HAHA now kat's the only "kreazeless" girl who doesn't have a blog... well... she's the only kreazeless girl who has a crease muahaha so i guess it all makes sense. anyhoo, dora has cool things to say go read it. i especially enjoyed the last paragraph of her latest post. TRU DAT girl!!! [btw this picture takes place inside the PIMPMOBILE lol]

last friday was a p.d. day for us =) HEIDI came home and us girls (me heid jo dora kat) went SHOPPING =) tried to convince heid to wear a dress to commencement but no luck :P heh. took some pics which i'll post very soon...
and after that i went to waiki's to chill a bit before Lifesong (ccf's evang thingy) which was awesome awesome awesome. God truly was working there ... everyone in it was awesome and gladys rocks!!!!! i'll post pics up too of it... soon... they suck tho.. id idnt' want to use flash cuz i didn't wanna disturb ppl... Lifesong reminded me about humility. something i think God was speaking to me about all that week. i jsut wanna stop holding grudges... wanna stop being so defensive... but i have a long way to go. God's been giving me less reminders this week ...and ijsut... forget. until yesterday and today... ARGH gosh i feel so crappy. how can i just ... i don't think before i speak. i wanna scream...
i love this song by Christina Aguilera "The Voice Within"... God is with me all the time... it's amazing. i kno she is not exactly the model of Christianity but she has an amazing voice and this song is good. :) it struck me particularily tonight. Jesus mold me.
The Voice Within
Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away (this part reminds me of something jehjeh said to me once)
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside your soul
[Chorus]Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

new favourite song
a calming song for the freaky middle of the night =P
No Greater Love : rachel Lampa

Before I knew Your name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
Before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me

No greater love than this
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be no greater love...
than this

I never understood how merciful love could be
Until I felt His flame light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
'Cause I have been saved
Yes I have been saved

repeat chorus
©2001 Dayspring Music, Inc./SGO Music Publishing Ltd./BMI/ His Eye Music/ Maggie Bees Music/ SESAC

i love Jesus. =)

english class

i'm at school rite now =) english... good times good times and for once i got a keyboard that the space bar is workin in.... robyn, nahayat, liz and harpreet went down to the caf and i decided to come back upstairs to the library cuz i'm a geek :P actually no. more just cuz i think blogging and printing off pictures is a better use of my time than hanging in the crowded caf where there's junior lunch rite now. plus i'm hungry and i dun wanna be tempted into spendin all my money on junk food :P bleh. need to save up those pennies for christmas :P
anyhoo... to clarifyyyyy.... AGHK! sorry. my blog is a venting spot...
ya kno (if ur a single girl) how sometimes you get into those phases where it jsut seems like everyone has a love life but u? and u wonder why? ... i didn't mean that i wanna be like whatever ppl and make out in the halls and stuff cuz no. i think it's rude. but when i see that kinda stuff ... it's sort of rubbed in my face that i dont' have a boyfriend and i wonder why. and sometimes that wondering turns into stressful thinking that's all. it comes and goes... other days i'm glad i dun have a bf cuz i'm so much more free :P like today. but gosh, sometimes a girl just really wants to have someone love her and cuddle her and tell her she's amazingly beautiful and the most amazing important person in someone's life :) God is really great for me like that (that was not meaning to sound like i have sexual feelings for God) just that he loves me so much and it's the most important thing to me. ... cuz without that i would have nothing to live for. so i'm sorry if i gave off the impression that the only reason i want to have a bf is to make out in front of lockers cuz that totally wasn't it at all. aiiiyyaa.... oH! and also thanks lyds for being soooo sweet ^_^ ur awesome =)

humhum. well now that i'm here in the library.. i'll describe my school's lib to you. unlike dc... it has only onelevel... and there are actually BOOKS in here. books you can read for leisure if ur an undercover bookworm like myself. there are nonfiction books too but not all of them are. i rememebr going to dc to study and wanting to take a break so i was like hmm maybe i'll just go read somethign and since this is a university lib there must be some more interesting novels than in my tiny little school lib... but i searched far and wide and came up with only textbooks and periodicals O_o. i think our lib is a lot prettier than dc i mean... i like the ceiling archetecture. i dunno how to explain it. but it's nice. i will post a picture of it later... OH! did i mention that i got a digital camera?? :D :D ... i am not really quite ready to convert to a digiphotographer... nope.. but i think digitals are convenient for taking pictures of nothingness that u just want for reference or for posting on the internet... no worries about wasting film :) and u can see it rite after so yay. but i still like *REAL* pictures better =P
speaking of pictures i wanna go print some off... bbl tonite... PD DAY TOMMOROW!!!! :D

Truth Beauty Freedom....

... and above all things LOVE.
all around me it seems that love has been quite in the air. it's as if eros has a certain fragrance that lingers near me but never with me like the scent of homemade cookies from home ec down the hall that i can never taste becuase i'm stuck in chemistry. or perhaps it's what i see... like that outfit from abercrombie that i just *need* to have but can't becuase aside from the fact that abercrombie isn't in canada, it is also too expensive. perhaps i just don't have the "money".. don't have what it takes for love anymore. not that i'm saying the past relationships i'vehad were love. i guess maybe i've never experienced true love. i haven't. the one time i thought i loved someone so much that it must have been deep and the truest love there ever was... faded a year and a half later. i still can't decide whether that was really love or not. some people tell me it was infatuation. maybe maybe not but i know that if it was it's not becuase i am incapable of being in love with someone.... but perhaps i *am* incapable of having a relationship with someone whom i love that deeply and who loves me just as deeply back. it's ok. i shoudl be ok with this. i tell myself "jaz u dont' need a boyfriend, you don't. u have everything. who wants to waste time on a stupid boy?" but i think i'm lying to myself as i walk down the hallways of my school and see people making out in front of the vending machine and i'm suddenly not hungry anymore and maybe slightly upset or when a couple in my biology class starts kissing while sitting in front of me and i wonder to myself why they can have it and i can't. gosh this is retarded.... does that ever happen to you though? you *kno* what you "should" be feeling but in your heart you're really longing for something else? there's this guy. i shouldn't like this guy i shouldn't. why? becuase he is someone i care a lot about... in a friend way. and i go and develop this retarded crush (cuz that is what it is a crush) on him and man it is so stupid. i never thot.. but see... i know what i *should* feel which is nothing and yet... what i do feel is my knees growing weak when i see him... my stomach doing a flip flop when i hear his voice onthe phone... i want it to stop.

trapped.

happy halloween!
didn't go out tonite hehe went to the church to help out with the family nite or whatever it's called :)twas fun! gots to see sum of my vbs kids again and i dressed up as a lil kid HAHAHA i was like one of the only ppl dressed up but ohwellies! it was fun :) all the moms were going crazy at how *cute* i was HA right... =P joanna dressed up as some guy that got his ass kicked HAHA how appropriate for church ^_~ check out hers here.
anyhoo.. here i am... i was actually wearing pajamas but i have a coat on cuz i just got inside =P in my hand is my gigantic lollipop i made out of styrofoam plates =P yes i realize i am a freak and my moocow =)

Mikey's Eatery

if you've never been to Mikey's you are most certainly deprived. gogogo it's in lovely loo's university plaza next door to subway...
since kat's parents own the place, we frequent there often [it's the "hangout" HAHA] =P during our visits there there is this guy who dora kat jo and i have gotten to calling "Venice" .. kat coined it... i dont' know what the reason behind the name is but... WOW. mann.. this guy is *the* ideal (physically at least) most likely the hottest guy i've ever laid eyes on in my entire life.omgomgomg and he's SO NICE!!! everytime i see him he always talks to me and asks me how i'm doing and stuff even tho we don't know eachother's name he is so sos so hot. anyhoo... today i asked him his name and discovered that it is scott. he shook my hand. ahhhhhh.... this is so exciting for me you dont' understand... =D

i also met gabe chan today... he's really nice... not really what i thought... not that i didn't like him or somethign before... just....i dun't know... he seemed sort of cold but he's not. i dunno.

i love charlie. [sushi man] he gave me free food again today and he always calls me angel... awwww!!! why isnt' everyone that nice? haha :)

ghost of christmas past
i saw janice yesterday!!! we haven't seen eachother for like a year! :P i also still have her book oops... but yeah.... she graduated from uw like almost two years ago! we were talkign about how incredibly fast time passes ... it doesn't feel like it's been that long but it has... so anyhoo, she came up to loo yesterday for a party but she came over before it and we had bbt and just talked for like an hour in my living room... while we were talking about everything i was thinking about that one blog lyds put up about 'ketchup friends' =P j and i can still talk and talk and talk which is so great but it's a lot more catch up stuff which is to be expected of course :) gosh i wish ppl didn't have to leave. but yeah... it was so great seeing her again!

today i went to this children's ministry training thing at church run by the "Central Canadian District Cluster Training Seminar" -- it was really really really good! firstly, they gave us lots of stuff HAHA =P that's how you win me, give me things :P jk.. but yeah they gave everyone the GREAT BIG GOD TAPE!!!!!!!!! *^_^* the Great Big God album is this kids vineyard cd that has a few songs on it that we used at our vbs in the summer :) me and bonnie were freaking out cuz we can listen to "our" song hahaha which is "God You're Good to Me" ahhhh such a great great great song :) what they talked about was really good too! i learned alot. i can't really type all out tho... too much stuff. they were talking about learning styles...i think i'm a 'talker' haha

anyhoo... i'm goign to go take advantage of that extra hour of sleep [turn ur clocks back] but i'll leave you with me and bun's fave:
God You're Good to Me: Vineyard
[chorus:]God you're good to me,
you gave me life and set me free,
you heard me knock and opened up the door....
God you're good to me, you opened my eyes and let me see,
I could search but i won't find *anyone*..... like YOU!!!

i know i dont' deserve this love you have for me,
You sent your Son to die upon a tree,
and sometimes when i'm feeling, far away from you,
i hear your voice it's calling me and i begin to SIIIINNNNNNNGGGG...
[chorus]
i know you'll always be with me everyday,
your spirit in me is showing me the way,
and i will try to be the best that i can be,
cuz i know your love for me is deeper than the sea!!!
[chorus]
bah ha you should see us in action =)

enhance your vocabulary

most people are familiar with the term FOB [fresh off the boat]..... but how many people are familiar with the term FOP? hahaha well at the moment-- two :) according to my knowledge, Gen and I have started a legacy hahahahaha FOP is Fresh off the plane HAHAHA ... this is what genuine is. one of those misfits haha that cbc's think is a FOB and FOB's think is a cbc-- see the dilemna? by creating the new term FOP, we have de-misfitized the inbetweenies ^_^ secondly, i don't like banana's. but i get called a banana because i'm "yellow on the outside, white on the inside" but bananas are mushy and yucky . sooo... i should be better described as a TWINKIE ^_^ muahahaha twinkies are *sweet* and yummilicious unlike banana's :D yayayayay. everyone must be so enlightened by me and gen's intillect :P

i want modrobes.

did you know that the tubules of smooth ER also have enzymes embedded on the inner surface for processing macromolecules such as lipids? in addition to synthesizing phospholipids, smooth ER can have specialized functions in differnt cells. For example, the smooth ER produces testosterone (a lipid) in testicular cells. O_o dont' we all learn something new everyday :P
i'm going to die on my bio test tommorow.
cram cram cram .... O_-

yay WCI =) ra! .... but we lost the battle of waterloo again... i didn't go though... i was prevented by the incredible amount of crap i had to do... but our school is still better even tho it loses against bci every single year... hopefully tho... next year we'll win =)

i'm printing out this history thing that was the reason i didn't go last nite.

i just wanted to say.... that i dont'w ant to kill myself. i was reading over some archives and it sounds sort of like i do.... i will explain later... but i have got to go back to english ... i'll explain more later... i've discovered that i've been really freaking people out... but i'll explain later. i want some cookies mm....

fast blog then email check.. been overplaying this song a lot on my comp~ btw i'm not on icq much because my network got screwed over much like the rest of my life. ANyWAYS... yes i've been listening to this song a lot... thot to myself it reminded me a lot of struggling with sin and stuff but couldn't make out the words in the verses and when i looked it up i found the song *is* about that after all... ~ it describes a lot of what i've been feeling lately ... better than i can anyway.
~*~*~*
Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who or what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
It rocks me... and makes me... meet myself

'cause Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth, if I can't.. crawl to you?

I want to feel.. something SWEETER THAN THIS SIN
Cover me in leaves.. roll me over again
'cause I've been everybody else
Now I want to be something... closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'cause I'm so SICK and TIRED... of being SICK and TIRED
I know I can love you.. I know that I can!
[chorus]
[kendall payne - closer to myself]

me, myself, and i. [have i been spending too much time alone?]

me: gosh this day really really really sucked. *inhale* *exhale*
myself: yeah that's for sure. we've been to hell and back today.
i: no... we haven't experienced hell. i'm quite sure it's a lot worse than today was.
myself: shut up.
me: i can't take much of this anymore. it's like the whole world is against me. it's like no matter how hard i try to get things right i still do them wrong. i can never measure up i can never fix my own problems... i've screwed up so many things here... friendships, work, and just all sorts of things... i wanna scream!
myself: ya kno you're right. you can't do anything we should all just give up... give up and screw this shit hole.
i: please don't swear.
me: ugh shut up! stop telling me not to swear stop telling me what to do all the time!!! i've tried. i've tried to get it right i've tried to be a good person or do good things. now i realize that i can't. i'm just a stupid girl who really should stop wasting her time with trying. all people notice is the bad things i do anyways.
myself: right on!
me: i just want to get out. get out of this stupid place that reminds me only of the fact that i can't do anything. that rubs my problems in my face.
myself: then do it. it's not that hard. go.
i: why dont' you just pray about it...
me: i've only prayed about it about a bazillion times.
i: then pray a bazillion more times.
me: i wanna get out. then i'll pray a bazillion more times.
myself: so where are we going?
me: i don't know.

i can't stop thinking. thoughts are rushing through my mind like some crazy raging river.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTYCAKES AND LYDS =) =)
happy belated thanksgiving everyone! i'm thankful for you :)

hahahahahaha-- fwd i got below... suits my mood today. i'm really not having a good day at all. everyone is really pissing me off. and also, i can't stop thinking about how stupid i am because of something i did that has seemingly screwed up a friendship forever. i went for a walk today alone and sat in the park with my sketchbook, my dicsman and my scrapbook~ aloneness can be so therapeutic. especially when you just want to get away from your family.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes
I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me!

i finally put in my guestbook! :D i got it like months and months ago but was just too lazy to stick it up on the pg =P so now i did... soooo... sign it!! =D thanks muah*** ~
i went to the photography meeting today =) i'm so superdidooperly excited!! my dad's letting me use his camera too -- it's supposedly a nice camera that's like really expensive -- but old. but i can't use mine cuz mine uses APS film...
after the meeting today, jo and i walked home together-- twas a nice make up for our lack of weekly mcdonalds breakfast bonding time... also, ya know how i've been wanting to get away? hum.. maybe maybe not. anyways. i've been wanting to get away from the reality of my world for a bit. wanting to go back to pei or just disappear for a while... not have to be me or at least not have to think about being me. well today i got my wish. hahahahaa~*~*~ tis too funny :) if you were there u would be crackin up too =P ... well jo and i are walking down university and seeing all these uw pplz and whatever and jo's like "ugh. we don't look like we're in university."
and i was like "well maybe we could pass as frosh.." and right then these two girls [who we assumed were frosh] walked by and the one girl's like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!!!" so we started laughing our heads off and being like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!! there. now i'm a frosh hahaha." and i dun remember who it was that was like "oooh! let's pretend we're frosh and start talking about intelligent stuff!" so jo starts and the first intelligent thing that comes to her mind is --- fatty acids! hahahahaha so we became general science frosh! :) her name -- mckenzie lee and mine was ryanne chan or did i change it to dani or somethign i can't remember. anyhoo so we're just like "SOOOO... how are your classes going? it's *so* cool that we are in the same biology class! i'm *so surprised*! our prof is very nice.." blablabalbla and we started asking eachother "so... what highschool did you go to?" and all this omgoodness it was so funny and we were actually acting so serious about it as we passed people standing around and stuff and they *so* thought we were university students they did they did! and supposedly, i have a boyfriend named jordan that goes to western and "mckenzie" has a sister named Lucy who's in fourth year in pei hahaha... yes... i know we're strange but it was our hyper deed of the day =P but in a strange way it was not fun only because we were being silly but because i got to assume another identity and for an hour, become someone who didn't have to deal with any of the things in my life right now...
but on the other hand... it also made me think about [because mckenzie and ryanne's lives were sort of screwed up] how many amazing blessings i have and how great God is to me all the time. ... i was listening to Before Your Love by kelly clarkson and it's about a guy but part of it really reminds me totally of God's love [>]
"I wonder how I ever made it through the day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray?
When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don't know how
And I looked into your eyes
With the world stretched out in front of me and I realized
I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived before your love " [kelly clarkson]

everyone wash your instant noodles. [patty does too :)] wow i'm just discovering all these people who care about not eating wax! hoorah! :)

p.s. bo peep also washes her noodles heehee =)
pps. i don't like needles =( owie.

in the libraryagain... i signed out of study today:) goingto getmyTBskintest done in like 20min...so i'm chilling herefor 20minwhile i wait for my mom. it'sthis computer again. ahk! why is it that everytime i come to the lib i get stuckwith thestupid computer with the messed up keyboard? hmph.

Miss Vickie's Roasted GarlicandHerb chipsare really good... just picked myself up some :9 yum yum.they are loaded with msg...but SOOO good. at least no wax unlike instant noodles ... unless u wash them like tm does. but idon't think very many people do. boy oh boy i want more. by the way, sheepie, that is hilarious! who wrote that? hahahahahaha i'm guessing caleb hahahahahaha so funny. iknow it wasn't me. i wrote "for God so loved the world that He gave his oneand only son thatwhosoever believesin him shall not perishbut have ever lasting life." bORing. well no. it's really not boring, it'sthe actual thing. but i then, didn't make up an interperative dance to go with it either =P

excerpt from an email i wrote my friend today ==>>i miss you la!
[things have been really bleh. i've been really frustrated by my own incompetance compared to others lately ... today sort of set it off... i dunno ... i'm pmsing and then there's just all these ppl who are just pissing me off so much but i really wanna try to not be so reactive in every situation so i shut up and keep it inside like today with ********** and ********.. and then there's guitar which just proves how much better all my friends are than me and ughughguhguhguhgh i'm just so sick of it all and also i DON"T HTINK I HAVE A SPIRITUAL GIFT! *inhale* exhale* ... calm calm calm calm calm ... ]
need some midol.

having one of those days. one of those days where it's hard... hard to remember the significance of my existance. wait a sec. what significance? i'm not quite sure what is the matter with me these days. but i'm suddenly feeling this big insecurity that i usually do not displeasure of feeling. perhaps this is due to certain elements such as the weather or the time of the month. =P

i think it was lyds who once said that i never blog about my family. well here i go-- my mother was pissing me off so increduously much today i wanted to scream! as i said, i haven't had a great week and i was trying to talk to her about one of these insecurities that i've bee feeling. i was telling her about how this guy in my bio class came up to dora and i and asked dora for her contact info etc.. and how all these guys have been going for dora lately and bla bla bla... oh my goodness are mothers not supposed to care about your feelings? well i really don't think mine does because gosh she just was like "oh! did dora give him her info?" and i'm like "yeah.." and she's like "omg if someone asks you don't give them your info bla bla bal bla" and i was just like "OH MY GOSH! WHO FRIGGEN CARES!??!!" here i am trying to pour my heart out to her and all she cares abotu is stupid little details that are of no significance cuz if she can't tell the whole POINT to the story in the first place is about how these situations are NOT HAPPENING TO *ME*!!!!! why is it that she can't be just a bit more sensitive?! and then she gets all pissed and is like "that's important! you have such a bad attitude." well guess what? i dont' friggen care if i am the biggest bitch in the entire world right now. but of course my feelings come second to your ridiculous obsession with the unimportant details in my stories. i can't stand it when people do that. pick at the little tiny things i say and point out all my mistakes in my sentences... like when i'm going on a rant and they interupt me when i swear or say something that is not good enough for them. well gosh maybe just once in a while i'd like it if people could just listen to me. just listen and give their opinion at the end about the actual situation and not about how the car in my story should actually be blue not yellow or something. i've been finding this a lot with my mom lately. it's just been like... crazy. i was so happy last week cuz this girl that i was praying would come to church came and when i asked her if she'd help out with singsperation she said yes and i was so psyched so i started to tell my mom and i was like "oh my gosh! you know what happened? you know victoria?..." and she's like "why do you always have to say oh my gosh or whatever? you always say that. one of the people i work with said that's not good" [she always talks about the people she works with. they thing pissed off means something abotu a horse peeing or something O_o] and i just got so mad because i had the most greatest news and all she can do is pick at whatever doesn't matter and i was just like "forget it." and walked off cuz i just can't take it anymore.

anyways i could go on about my dad and my sister but i'll save that for another day. i'm already stressed out enuff. have worship practice tommorow :D so excited cuz i haven't done worship since summer... cept i'm also not excited at the same time because i dont' get to drum this term... but that's ok. i'm open for new experiences... we shall see how it goes :P ... gonna go catch up on some sleep. or something.

[this pic is soo cute :) it's from this amazing book of photography i got for my birthday from gen waiki and lue it's prolly one of my favourite things i own-- AHH! i love photography... ]


"hanging from the ceiling life's a mobile spinning round with mixed feelings crazy and wild... sometimes i wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD-- everything's changing when i turn around all out of my control i'm a mobile..."
summer's over. or so it seems... it got pretty hot again these past few days but i think it's pretty much settling into fall now... ahhhh i'm gonna miss my tan. the sun beating down on my bare skin-- mmmm. summer's my favourite season-- the season in which i have not a care in the world as i bask about in the sunlight soaking in the warmth of the rays contemplating what i'd like to do in the next spur of a moment. i flip my hair to the expectations of the world. now it's fall... i'm into the school *gag* mode now. dreading each day as it comes.. having only weekends as a motivation to move on with each passing hour, with each passing class. SAT meeting tommorow morning. will i go to school in the states? will i not? what are my future plans for my life? "what are you going to be when you grow up?" the "overkilled" question haunts my mind as even my subconcious is asking me. you know there's something unsettling about realizing that each grade you make is contributing to either helping or ruining your future. my gosh. i don't wanna deal with this right now. perhaps i will go to Devri [right dora? hahahaha] or perhaps gladys and i will get our cardboard box lol [along with our couch that was thrown out by someone in wcri and our keyboard-so we can make some moula] =) =P where will i be in two years time? i can't believe i have to decide in one. i'm sixteen-- i'm goign to university when i'm still seventeen-- ugh. where will all my friends be? where will everything i'm used to be?....



i feel like i need a hug right now. when i close my eyes i can just picture myself as that little girl *grin* so much is going on. hugs are for happy and sad...
happy: Waterloo Christian fellowship [aka Interschool C F] started today.. i'm hoping to get a lot more involved this year... last year i just showed up and sat around...
singsperation stuff is starting to get done..... starting...
i'm learnign guitar!!! omgomgomg yeah :) i'm hoping i'll be able to play good soon :D
this girl... who isn't a christian who i've been praying for is coming to church now.. it's more complicated then that so more happier but i dun feel like typing it all out...
sad: school
feeling betrayed. not gonna say by whom. but let's just say when people say something they should keep their word. when people say ur their friend they should act it. when people say they arent' goign to change due to certain circumstances they shouldn't. don't treat me like an inferior you dick [even tho you're not reading most likely] who the hell do you think you are? jsut because i'm a 16 year old girl doesn't mean what you say to me doesn't count. oh my goodness betrayed is not the word. more like stabbed.
i have zero love life right now... i have no boyfriend and no interests. nothing. ahhh :P that could be good too i guess. *sigh*

well that's all for now. hey lookie there's more happy things then sad things.... hoorah!

school---the pain of my existance.=P
mygoodness i wanna go home. it's 9:00am. i'm supposed tobe in english class...but my english teacher isa sweetheart and she doesn't carewhat i do=) ...yayay.butthat doesn't mean i'mhaving any more funhere inthelibrary AH!!! this stupid spacebar doesn't work properlyat all!!! =P
*sigh* i'm gonna go back to class this is pointless and email is firewalled. howabsolutelyretarded.

for vida... =) bah- ha [tm on the floor]
and for general amusement. i took this pic out of complete innocence. i didn't know he sprained his ankle. i thought he was just rolling on the ground. i am so bored now i'm describing this stupid picture. i hate school. we should be paid to do homework...

bday update still comin jo... sorry.

"Nothing brings more joy and meaning into any of our lives than the awareness of being loved. " [Anon.]
wow.
this has been a weekend full of memories that are like colours too vibrant to ever fade... i've been looking forward to my sixteenth bday my whole life... and wow. i really got more than i ever imagined.
i'll explain more tommorow.
o/~ I AM SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN!!!!!!o/~

half and hour and then it'll be one day.
one day until sixteen. the moment i've been waiting for all my entire life.
people are like "birthday's aren't a big deal" or whatever... but omg sixteen is a big deal. well for me anyways... i've dreamed of this forever.
of being able to drive. [freedom]
of being able to sing "i am sixteen going on seventeen" and actually have it be a reality... except not the part with the guy... but hey, it's gotta happen sooner or later right? hopefully this year.
of being that *magical* age they portray in the movies ... i know life isn't *really* like the movies. but hey, a girl can dream.
there's more.. but i think i've already made a list of all the benifits of being 16 before so i'll spare you from my long windedness =P

news! i'm getting over him.. the guy i like[d] i mean... today as i was walking home with one of my better guy friends and was joking around with him and feeling really great like i usually do when i'm around him... i realized something. it was so sudden like *poof* .. "OH!" ya know? ... this friend... he's so sweet [no i don't like him he's not available] and just... we dont' hang out *that* much but whenever we do... it's like i always feel so wanted and so ... special. like he really actually appreciates me and what i have to say and jsut me. he just acts like i matter. he doesn't look down on me and doesn't act as if he's better than me or as if i am some stupid girl that doesn't know anything. i love being around him. that's the kind of guy i want. [not him but ya..] the guy i currently am interested in doesn't and can't give me that. he's too set in this mindset that i'm some kid who needs to be taught everything or something. and that because of my age i *must* be a certain way... which is totally untrue. he can never really completely know me because he's just too busy remembering about how i'm different and can never equate to his status. [dont' get me wrong this guy is a totally amazing guy! i wouldn't spend so much time on him if he wasn't. and he's really nice....] but he's not the type for me. i think i will jsut love him as a brother and a friend and forget about him as a potential romantic partner because... he can't love me if he won't take the time to truly truly know me. and i deserve more than that. i made up my mind that God wants me to have more. He wants me to have true love. and i'm gonna "guard my heart" for that true love. i may not think that God planned a specific person for me but i think that he planned for me to have true love that's for sure. i definitely do not have the "gift of singleness". anyhoo... i'm gradually getting over the guy. i still have a really strong attraction to him but i think it'll dissappate soon. :) hoorah! then us girlies can start on our "no guy" thing and see who lasts the longest! i bet i lose :P shmeh. i'm still guy crazy.

15 min. to one day now.

feeling blue, didn't know what to do...

then along came a pal and a whole buncha cows...

and made everything happy and cool! ^_^

yeah that's my poem :P these are the less weird of joanna and my webcam pics haha... they made a nice story =P but i think i'm feeling alot better =) and i have resolved to get over the guy that i am currently in like with. no more breakin MY heart! =P ... five days left...

my feelings....
Without You [kiss]
As I sit here and think
about all that I'm missing.
all that I'm missing oh yeah
But everything that
I could ever ask for of you

All the past time i've spent,
wondered how you've been,
wondered how you've been oh yeah
But the more that you're on my mind,
I'm just lonely and blue can't you see

Why can't you be with me to hold me tight,
just being with you will make everything better and right.

Chorus:
I wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
How will I ever go on,
how will I stay strong
don't you see without you my soul dies

boys are really poopie. [some not all] it's times like this when you need your best so much :P jo and i hung out tonite... took pics withmy web cam which i will post for your amusement tommorow.... gotta go to sleep.... slave labour at 8:15 tommorow :P

*inhale*.... *exhale*.... this is me trying to keep myself from screaming and tearing things apart. in and out. in and out. played around with the image some... trying to be artsy and creative always calms me down. just went around with my dad's digital taking pics of my piano, my origami ball, and my cow.... can't wait to upload those pics so i can screw around with them too-- fun! yes i realize i amuse only myself =P i'm not even going to blog about what's bothering me. already prayed about it. asked God to take away my resentment. it worked for like five minutes..but it's better than before. i need to start building more self control which i do not have.

chilled at eumie's today.. chatting and making almond tofu and stuff... somethign she said really struck me though. we were just like talking about who knows what and then she goes "so... do you think you've grown spiritually at all during the last year?" and i was like "erh? i dunno...." i mean, i never really thought about it... but i'm really glad she thought of bringing it up because... gosh. i really need to get going on doing somethign with my life. God's really just been yelling in my ear for the past week. i really gotta quit pushing Him aside and getting back on track. it's so crazy He's been sending me so many obvious obvious wake up calls... i'm just too much of a loser to listen.

went out with heidi tonite. after not seeing her for a whole entire week [her being at western and all] it was so great just to be able to chill. we went to mikeys and sat around with kat and amanda and pastor tim and uncle michael and auntie sandy =) just... relaly nice. and then we went to williams and i got a steamer :) that was really nice too. great fun :) girly time =) *grin* only downside. found out some stuff that made me all bleh.

and now. back to bleh. gosh do you ever get that horrible feeling in your gut... that feeling you get when you know someone you really care about doesn't care at all for you? i got this card from someone once that said "the greatest feeling in the world is the knowledge of being loved." well in the same way i think one of the worst feelings in the world is the knowledge of not being loved. i feel like someone took a knife and stabbed it into my chest and reached in and pulled my heart out. i have that feeling that i just want to scream and cry and cry... but i have no tears. so the feeling is all choked up inside. and it won't come out. it's just inside waiting.... waiting until it explodes and i will burst into a million broken pieces on the floor. i wish i would. then maybe i wouldn't feel so hopelessly shattered inside.

<<== and here it is again. as if we all haven't looked at it enough as it is... anyways.. to continue with my rant/story, my family and i were getting me a backpack and we drove by old navy which my mom was like "oh go in! just go look!" so i was like "k" and we went in. i bought a backpack blablabla and my ten year old sister goes to me as we're leaving "I want a rugby shirt!!!!" O_o i seriously can't believe it. gosh. why would anyone want those shirts? they aren't even really that nice and *plus* EVERYONE has one! it's like the commercial should be "if you want to be a clone, buy a rugby shirt!" which actually rugby players don't even wear =P at least dora doesn't. *anyhoo* my dislike of the rugby shirt is totally not the point of this.

see i was reading my *#1 Best's blog[>] and she was writing about her feelings this first week of gr. 11 and she said "being myself isn't ENOUGH to fit in." Gosh. wow. i never knew she felt that way. and i guess at first when i read it i could only think of about a million things to say to disagree with her saying she doesn't fit in cuz she does for sure in my eyes. all i could think of was to rant to her about how she's just really paranoid or whatever but then... i stopped for a moment. and thought to myself. well, jazz she can think whatever she wants and really, it's not your place to tell her how to feel. i can't say i can relate to her. i dont' get this feeling of not fitting in. but i think i can try to understand. i remember we got into this fight a few weeks ago... she said something to me that really shook me up... i can't remember the exact words but it was something like "i don't feel as if i'm as cool as you and so and so and i just feel like a big loser all the time" gosh i can't think of anything that freaked me out as much as that. this girl is my best friend. and i can't think of anyone who i'd rather be best friends with more than her. but i guess i can stand there and argue with her about how she really does fit in which she does and she's not a loser which she isn't but... i think i'd rather say to her that it doesn't matter about fitting in or not fitting in or whether or not you wear a rugby shirt or if you're the most popular girl in school or if you're the biggest geek in the history of the universe. i mean, honestly who really wants to be the same as everyone else? who sets the standards of what's cool and what's not? i think the people who go around judging others and thinking they are too good for them or whatever are the biggest losers because they lose out on meeting certain people that might have the most awesomest personalities... people who do that, or people that make you think "whoa...... am i WEIRD or something? or do i have a disease? hmmm.. or maybe both..." are either not worth your time or are giving these signals unintentionally.

i have to admit, after this first week and after thinking about this in great detail i realize i really need a huge attitude adjustment. i've been complaining to all my friends about how my classes suck so much on account of "all these weird people" being in them and how "so and so is a really big freak" and i'd have to say i am guilty of trying to ignore ppl who think they are my friends but i dont' consider them as such. the one girl in my chem class (her name is yimeng and she was in my latin class last year) she's really smart and she doesn't hang around the same group of people that i do. i don't like her. i don't like her because she said that if she was pregnant with a baby she'd "kill the thing" and also, she was saying stuff about my friend to people. but i realize that i don't only dislike her for those reasons. i think deep down i'm afraid that if i talk to her my image will go down or something stupid like that. i think i sort of prejudged her even before she did those things because i've always thought of her as "that weird smelly girl". it's really bad i know but i guess i've just never given it much thought. so anyways, in chem she came up behind me and like punched me in the back sorta and i looked up and she was like "HI!" like really happily as if she just found out that her best friend was in her class or something...and i was like "hi..." but i wasn't really friendly and i guess i didn't seem to want to talk to her. i feel so bad. i think that by having some strange idea in my mind that she was "such a loser" makes me such a loser. next week, i am resolving to really change my attitude and give everyone the chance they deserve. i'm going to toss the "i'm the center of the universe" act and just concentrate on loving everyone. afterall, i'm a Christian and as such i should display God's love to everyone. cuz He really *IS* the center of the universe and if he loved all these people so much that he'd die for them as well as me... then who am i to act like i'm better cuz i'm NOT. prayers would be helpful thanks. =) ... and to my #1: [i love you hun just like you are. don't ever dare change, and just screw all those stupid people who try to step on others to make themselves feel better, love yourself and everyone will love you =) they already do. =P] *muah*

<<==== The Rugby Shirt. from Old Navy...
we've all heard the commercials... "the rugby bunch! the rugby bunch!" and anymore and i might have to throw up. =P the other day i went out with my family to buy a backpack cuz my old one broke. and we happened to drive by Old Navy..
[to be continued......]

i was browsing through my friend's site... and found this pic of me somewhere @ UW. i have never even seen this pic before i don't remember it being taken. maybe i was really smashed or something cuz it looks like i'm trying to fly. LMAO!

... pensive. so much on my mind. i wanna let it out. let the thoughts break free from the prison walls of my mind. [rant time] but i can't. whom can i trust? or who can't i trust? i dont' know. i know i trust God. but sometimes it's not enough for me to just tell God. is that wrong? ... i like being comfortable in talking to people. being the outgoing type of person i easily start conversations with people, i can talk to the guys i like ^_~, i don't find it really really diffucult to open up to people about certain parts of my life. some people have the "opportunity" to experience knowing parts of me that i don't share with most other people. but now... i'm not sure... i'm not sure whether opening up those parts of myself was a good idea. it's made me vulnerable. internally naked. like, how is one to know whether people talk about them behind their back? or if those things that may have been intimate were shared amongst others that did not need to know? this is how it starts. this is how masks start. i'm afraid. afraid i'm on the verge of putting back on that mask. a front that everyone sees to be the truth when it is nothing but a costume to protect me from the fears inside my head. but i know it's too late. i have already revealed the real me and it will just be blantantly obvious to people that the mask i have on is just that-- a mask. i don't know -- i say that alot. i dont' know. i dont' know anything about anything. i am so confused abotu everything. you know what bugs me? one sided friendships. it bugs me more when i am the only person getting anything out of a friendship with someone. what the hell is the point of being friends with someone if you're the only one getting anything out of it? i hate that. i feel like a bother.. a burden. a pesky obligation that has to be dealt with in order for someone to ease their concience or make them feel self-righteous. and all i want to do is end it. so why is it that when you talk to people about this sort of thing they care so much? you would think taht they'd just want to ease their burden ... but no. maybe it really does make them feel really really good about themselves. well newsflash, it doesn't make me feel good at all. i don't know. i just don't know.



back to school again =P NNNNOOOOOOO..... today was the first day-- only an hour tho... i got my timetable... i don't have any classes with jo or kat but i have two with dora... other than that i know i have some stuff with robyn and adri but i didn't see anyone else after school today-- we left for mikeys =). my homeroom is ok... i know ppl but none of my closer friends are in my class =P anc. civ is my hmrm... which is good cuz i like history... good way to start off the morning. my teacher is reallllllllyyyy nice. and .... I HAVE DEWITTE FOR ENGLISH AGAIN! =D hoorah! [dewitte is the teacher i had in grade nine that LOVES me and lets me do whatever i want and oh yeah its' really really great =)] lalalalaladeeeddaaaaaa... my schedule's ok i guess. but i am going to have to be such a geek this year to do well. not fun. i'm hoping it wont'; be as hard as i think .... geekiness just really doesn't suit me. =P



so yeah that's my mini update on life... kinda depressing but hey i have good news too ... an issue that was going on was somewhat resolved today which is awesome and .... i turn sixteen in 12 days!!!!!! *^_^* yippeee :)

breathe. in.... out..... in... out....
first day back tommorow. i hate school. i mean, the social aspect is great but... it doesn't make up for the academic part. plus omg what if none of my good friends are in my homeroom?! i might die.
i gotta.. i need to call someone or something.

yay! jo changed my colour scheme for me =) thanks hun! ... it takes me so long to figure out which part changes which part of the blog... *sigh* illiteracy. we have just spent the nite being carefree and happy... and now she's gone ... leaving me to the darker things of life.
*inhale exhale* happy thoughts.. happy thoughts...

ice cream is one of the happiest things i can think of [ thanks gladys! =D ]
i love love love ice cream... my favourite kind is chocolate chip cookie dough =) yummmmmm .. i love cookie dough too! i like it raw. some ppl think that's gross but seriously try it it's amazing... kinda like sushi how everyone's like ew sick raw meat... like i used to be but then you try it and it's like WOWEE!! ... i think i wanna try something new now.. and be pleasantly surprised. pleasant things are nice.. like icecream... [hey wow. if you go back to the top of this paragraph it goes "pleasant things are nice... like icecream... icecream is one of the happiest things i can think of...]
and around and around it goes. how cool. my mind is spinning.
o/~let's leave oh let's get away... get lost in time... where there's no reason left to hide...o/~ *Creed

i haven't blogged in an eternity. or so it seems now that i actually feel the urge in my fingers to hit the keys like punching bags electric currents of anger flowing from them rapidly... i've just had a confrontation with mr. anal. it wasn't amusing this time. i sigh as i realize how much the rage inside me was boiling ... is boiling. it's like a fire.. i try to keep it down but the sparks of bitter comments and cruel words can't help but jump out of my mouth. i can't remember a time that i have know mr. anal that he has not made an effort to make me feel like an outsider amongst my closest friends. from childhood i believe this is the weapon that he's used against me. to make me wither inside.. to make me feel small. well you win! it works! i feel insignifigant, i feel small. There was one thing he did say though... that might have made a bit of sense. but it doesn't make me feel good. he said "you always say stupid or get a life or other things like that! i hear you! i don't care you say it outside but just please! don't say it in our house!" ... i think i was pretty dumbstruck. a weapon i couldn't dodge because i've never seen in before. frozen i said something lame... i couldn't think of any wise crack or shield to really put up... maybe i have to work on that. maybe not. i dont' know. i just don't like the thought of him pointing out faults in me.

this monday was wonderland! =D tres fun!! got to see candace again which was cool and met her friend john (who dora thinks looks like kevin arnold) and her cousin jason (who was kicked out of his school and wasn't accepted in any other ones because he stupidly said absentmindedly that he was going to kill someone during the colombine incident O_o but he was actually a really funny and pretty nice guy) but the highlight of my day i'd have to say.... was..... meeting jon shaw (candace's hot hot hot hot bro) *grin* hahahahahahaha ... he didn't go on like any rides... so i opted out of Wild Beast to go sit and talk with him... it was ok i guess... i dunno if we had much to talk about... he's just really hot. and nice... and funny... and cool... but ... i dont' think he likes me. for sure not in *that* way. shmeh. why would he? he told me his girlfriend was voted by his school as "sexiest asian girl". joy. that is not an accomplishment i have made. i dunno. i have no hope of getting that first kiss in two weeks. by the way did i mention i'm turning 16 in two weeks and i haven't gotten my first kiss? yeah now the whole world knows my shame.

yesterday nite was kat's bday party! HAPPY BELATED SWEET SIXTEEN KAT!!! now i'm the only one left out of me jo dora and kat that is still 15 =P blech. oh wellies.... s'ok i guess... the party was fun and the food was good =) sushi =D ... i can't wait til mr. sushi opens up again on monday!!!!!! i miss my paradise roll! =P
anyhoo... there's more going on ... but i dont' really feel like making myself any more depressed than i already am... later dayz!

[written on aug. 22, 2002. forgot to publish =P]
if boredom could kill, i would have been dead hours ago.
so... i decided to blog :)
while i was watching Passions, this zellers commercial came on about how great their clothes are or whatever.. HA what a joke! :) a few days ago i went shopping with Vern and we were trying to get her some decent cheap black pants from zellers ... it was soooo funny we just couldn't stop laughing our asses off at all the black pants they were trying to sell.. old lady pants that had elastic and tapered in HAHAHAHA you have to see them to understand the humour in it all... they went up to vern's bra that's how sad it was. i think our unstoppable laughter somehow peeved the saleslady as she eyeing us coldly the whole time. anyhoo, that just came into my head and i realized i never blogged abotu a few days ago... so yeah.

saturday was daniel and tai jing's wedding [ CONGRATS!] =) tai jing was soooo gorgeous and daniel's vow made me cry... i've been thinking about what my wedding's gonna be like since it ended... i have a few things decided (besides my longtime ago decision for the room to be filled with jasmine flowers) i decided i'm walking up the isle to Pachelbell's Canon (sp?) but i haven't decided whether i'm gonna use the orchestral version or the piano version. also, i'm going to have 10 bridesmaids. ... but the thing is... i haven't decided whether i'm actually gonna get married ... due to what Paul says in Ephesians [i think it's Eph.] about wives submitting to their husbands... "Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ]
~ what i don't understand is how the husband is like Christ, "the savior"? husbands didn't save the wife did he? the church submits to Christ because He gave his life for it.. He saved it from death and damnation. the husband on the other hand has done no such thing... it doesn't really make any sense. ... " [excerpt from an icq conversation]
so yeah... but i guess i have a long time to think about it-- not gonna get married anytime soon... but i do have someone in mine muahahahahaha~*~*~*

it was the last day of vbs today... :( :( :( the kids were soooo cute!!! ... welll.... most of them. li spent a lot of the day hanging with this one girl Yu Jie who's sooooo sweet and cute! she's like one of those kids that everyone likes -- even the boys all think she's cool and stuff :) she was telling me about how she was getting a baby brother and was soo excited ... and about how her painting got put in an art gallery and stuff! :) i'm gonna miss vbs... leading stuff is fun... but hey, at least i won't hafta get up so early everyday :)

went to westcourt to "help waiki pack" and then we were gonna see him off at the bus station... but what ended up happening instead was that heidi and him went to the station alone while i sat and talked to jo(siah) for two hours and jo(anna) and dora were eating all his chips and cup noodles *haha* but it was actually really cool cuz jo(siah) is sooo smart abotu the bible... and we were just talking about God and the bible and stuff for two whole hours... it didn't even feel like that long... i dont' think i;ve ever talked about God for that long... but ya know, after that... i think i'm gonna reallllly relally try to read God's word everyday... so that it'll strengthen my relationship with God and it'll help me defend myself against sin and temptation... plus, i guess it's always good to know your stuff so you can witness to others more easily.

anyhoo, g2g sleep... wedding tommorow... nite.

i need some temporary relief of my boredom and depression... and i need to update... so here's to killing two birds with one stone..

"let me take you down cuz i'm going to strawberry fields, nothing is real, and there's nothing to get hung about, strawberry fields forever" i'm so extremely mellow right now-- *sigh* i didn't have an extremely fantabulous day... [buncha stuff] and... well now... now i just feel as if no one wants to talk to me. well.. actually i've been feeling like this for like the past two hours. i don't know.. maybe i'm just being stupid-- prolly. but like, not very many ppl are *starting* conversations which is somewhat abnormal... and some ppl are even ignoring me! [well maybe they aren't ignoring me but it seems like it cuz they're online but they arne't replying... but that doesn't neccesarilly ... nevermind.] perhaps i'm just being really insecure and paranoid or whatever. but *sigh*... i just feel so down in the dumps. maybe the "nobody likes me business" bug is coming back =P blech.

vbs week..
Great Big God : Vineyard
Our God is a great big God [3x]
And he holds us in his hands.

He's higher than the skyscraper,
He's deeper than the submarine,
He's wider than the universe,
and beyond my wildest dreams,
and He's known me and He's loved me since before the world began,
how wonderful to be a part of God's amazing plan!
[chorus]

i LOVE that song... it's got such a catchy tune and cutesy actions... but u know what? it just hit me like when i was typing it... i haven't talked to God much today...maybe this "noone wants to talk to me" thing is God's way of saying "Hey! talk to *me*!" =) cool. i dont' feel so bad anymore... gonna go pray some i think. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS! :)
back again :) to stay for longer this time :) ... collingwood was a BLAST! =D as usual...
went to the beach every single day! *grin* i love the beach... there were these two guys this one day... who i think heard dora say "i miss my goats" and they came up to us and were like "do you know where the nearest dairy farm is?" "umm no.." "we grew up on the dairy ya know.... do you ever yell at the moon?" "um no do you?" " yeah! it's really cool .. you should try it sometime.." "yeah does it yell back?" "sometimes... and sometimes it comes and bites you in the ass!" [we laugh] "c'mon let's go swim out to the turd"
hehehehehe the turd is referring to this big rock in the lake that we fondly dubbed the "lockness monster" cuz last year in the dark that's what it looked like. but anyhoo, those guys were really cute... kinda weird.. but cute.

dora and i finished watching "A clockwork orange" this year... that is *the most* disturbing movie *ever*. dont' ever watch it... unless you like to feel extremely disturbed. i guess it's rated r for a reason but hey, whatever. while we were watching... it was around two pm... and this guy [i'm naming him mr. Girl due to his extremely high strung vocal chords that cause him to have an annoying girlie voice and also cause him to *squeal* alot. O_o] anyhoo, when we were watching, since mr, girl insisted on joining the girls' "slumber party" upstairs, when me and dora started watching "a clockwork orange" he, being afraid of all horror movies exclaimed "can you turn it down?!" argh... "no! if you don't wanna watch then go downstairs" i call back as calmly as i can. two minutes later "what year was this movie made in?!" "SHUT UP!!!" i felt kinda bad but his sis who is really cool was like "you had it coming" cuz he DID! i mean seriously i have never met anyone as longwinded, annoying, girly, clingy, or just ARGH! k. when were swimming, he insisted on following us everywhere (much like every other place we went) and dora and i, to get rid him, were like "let's play mermaids!!! we need to think of a mermaid name" and we weren't even talking to him... but we thot he might leave cuz what kind of freak guy would want to play mermaids? but he's like "i'm SEEWEED!!!! [squeal]" the thought just sends shivers up my spine. i'm gonna get nightmares just thinking about it...
anyhoo, other than the constant effort in *not* being extrememly mean to him, the week was really fun and relaxing...
i'm helping with vbs this week... the kids are cute :)
anyhoo, that's enough for tonite ... my creative juices aren't flowing... btw, sorry the pictures are screwed up... 0catch is weird..i think i'm going to take that poll down soon anyways...

i'm back i'm back!
and i'm leaving again tommorow =) hahaha... up to collingwood for our annual praylude retreat :) should be a blast =D
talked to a long lost friend from hk today.. he looks really different and he called me a doll HAHA this was over icq-- we sent eachother pics... but yeah.. it's weird cuz when we were just babies we knew eachother and our parents wanted us to get married and blablabla and then when we were a little bit older but still little kids someone asked me what i thot about marrying him.. and i said "ok la but gwo koy sew sew fay dee jeh!" or "he's ok. only he's a little on the chubby side" MEAN! i am MEANNNN!!! but anyhoo, i guess he got back at me cuz he's not fat anymore but i'm a little on the chubby side now =P blah haha oh well such is life i guess..
anyhoo, gotta get to church by nine am sharp tommorow so gonna get off line
for pics from pei and stuff go to http://jelloz.blogspot.com and then to her webshots ... i'll post my pics up when i get back and get them developed...
"I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna tell everyone
To lighten up (I'm gonna tell 'em that)
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up
I'm gonna soak up the sun
I'm gonna soak up the sun" Sheryl Crow "soak up the sun"
later dayz!

i'm in PEI...
it's really gorgeous here... our cottage is right in front of the ocean =)
got an anne of green gables hat today... ya know, the kind with the pigtails ^_^
trying to blog in a hurry...
am i missing a lot at home? :(

i'm about to leave New Bruswick! =( i like Faith's house too much!!!
but i'm still pretty excited about our ocean side cottage in PEI... after the four hour car ride o_O
there's been so much driving-- me and jo and heidi have been crammed into the back seat of my van ... it's interesting how we pass the time besides sleeping... the other day, the kids in the other car (irina daniel and kadin) wanted to play this game with the walkie talkies where they'd sing the beginning of a song and we'd finish it or the other way around HAHA it was soooo funny ... well i guess we were only really amused because of the walkie talkies... but yeah... we were also pleasantly surprised that they knew the words to alot of the singsperation songs that we didn't think they'd remember... =) yay.
anyhoo... i think we're about to head out the door.... blog later... maybe.

leaving for the east coast in around 6 hours =) yay! i'm out! =D
i'm starting to finally get excited =)
will update over there if i can... but if not,
SeeYAz!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORA and IRINA! [wed. july 17]
watched John Q. at dodi's tonite ... was SO GOOD and SO SAD! i am so thankful i live in Canada with free health care and stuff!

two more days til i'm off to PEI! =D i'm almost outtie!!

i wanna go back to sleep -_-

it's all better! =D

my fingers are itching to type. to take the quivering inside my stomach and the tears flooding my eyes and to transform them in to these letters... to just spill all my confusion, anger, guilt, all those emotions... and just take them away from me. away.. i find that in times that i can't think straight, are the times that blogging matters the most to me. to be able to tell people everything.. but nothing at the same time ...
helplessness... "i feel helpless because i know that right now i can do nothing to help the situation. and no matter what i say or do... or think ... nothing can change what i've done"
i WISH soooooooooooo much that i could just turn back time. it sounds like some corny song or whatever. but i really do.

i had a ton of fun tonite at justin's =) watched "A Beautiful Mind" which was surprisingly a really good movie =) ... justin (of course),esther, celine, wallace, dora, victoria, heidi, kat, jo, nate, and belita were there and tim (pastor) came later on .. good times just chillaxin' ... able to take my mind off of things for a while... then i came home and everything came back and now... argh. it was a really good movie... maybe i'm pscitsophrenic.. maybe i'm just imagining all this... it's not real ... just a big elaborate illusion created by my mind...

one of my greatest faults, i find, is my extreme dramaticness (is that a word?) towards every tiny situation. sure, it's funny having people calling you a Drama Queen and having a shirt that has a Dairy Queen sign on it cept it says Drama Queen instead and whatever... but it is so tiring to care so deeply about little tiny things which are not really little tiny things to me, due to my condition. another one of my greatest faults is the fact that i am at times extremely bratty or self-centered hence *princess*. a lot of the time... i really feel as if i need to have things *my way* or i get angry[which is a bigger deal than it seems because since i am also dramatic, i blow everything out of proportion when i don't get things my way.] my dramaticness also causes me to assume things about people or situations that are not always accurate. Another great fault of mine [boy oh boy i have so many =P] is that i'm realllllllllyyyyyyy stubborn and long winded. *sigh* is that two faults? =P
well anyhoo, these things combined have gotten me into a nasty situation this week. =( i've been told that i am "too caught up in this "nobody likes me" business to listen to anyone these days". Joy. O_o why is it that i can't do anything right anymore? i dont' really think that i think that "nobody likes me" that is not my mentality. my mentality is more "i dont' like myself" than anything else. i realize that i am pissing people off tho because they care about me but i am not really taking into consideration what they're saying due to my stubborness but i do appreciate it. and i realize that i am repetitive and that some people don't have "the time or energy to waste arguing everytime [they] talk to [me]" but oh my gosh i'm just really frustrated right now! i dont' think this blog will even make any sense by the time i'm done... but i need to vent. everything was MY fault i KNOW but for gosh sakes! why does everyone expect me not to care about stuff?! like, sorry, i know i'm dramatic but i was born that way and i can't really oppress the fact that things matter to me alot. what i should oppress is my reaction. but i am NOT the "type" that doesn't give a damn about anything and thinks of only myself all the time. i may be self centered, but at least my selfcenteredness is based upon the fact that i care for other people instead of the fact that i dont' feel like "wasting my time and energy" on fixing problems with my friends. i AM the "type to go off crying about it" sorrIEEEE. i'm sorry for being me. and i'm sorry that the things that matter to me, matter to me. i'm sorry to have caused *you* inconveniences and wasting your time and energy although i guess it doesn't matter considering you are ignoring me anyways. yeah real mature there. sheesh. i have people on my back saying i'm bein really immature about this situation but ok whatever maybe i am. meanwhile everyone thinks your'e so perfect and right about everything. well I think it's immature that you're ignoring me. i'm sorry. i don't want to argue with you anymore. all i want to say is i'm sorry. sorry sorry sorry. too bad *you* dont' read my blog.

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?quiz.

is this for real? O_o the whole world thinks i'm a big ditz!!! :P blah
i mean seriously, *sigh* ok maybe i do sometimes (alot of the time) talk like an airhead ...and maybe my friends call me "blonde at heart" but really, i'm NOT stupid. honestly! =)

new poll up:: if you would kindly observe the picture to the right of the poll, and vote on what animal you think it is that would be greatly helpful. due to many people traumatizing this animal with confusing remarks about what it is, this animal now has an identity crisis. well, not really. i know what animal it is... but i just felt like seeing what the blog community would say...
old poll results were deleted with the screw up of the old blog template... but *with glasses* won in the end that's for sure... i'm not sure whether i agree. i still think i look like a geek with glasses 0-0 but i haven't opted for contacts yet. :P

fireworks on monday were gorgeous -- i like the ones that look like they are right up to your face and you could just reach out and touch them... and i like the ones that were multicoloured so they looked like SMARTIES too ^_^ i love smarties =D i love Canada... i just feel so blessed to be living here... in such a great country without people trying to oppress your thoughts or whatever... being allowed to believe whatever i want to believe in .. especially being allowed to be a Christian and go to church and stuff.. something many take for granted, but it's such a priveledge not to have to hide underground in order to worship the Lord. ahhhh... it's moments like these where i just want to run up onto a high high place and yell "I AM CANADIAN!" ok. almost. i'm not really that crazy.

saw Lilo & Stitch today!!!!! ^_~ with jo =)
the movie was AMAZING! i'm a Disney FREAK! i incredibly recommend it-- i laughed, i cried, it was better than cats =P
i want a stitch.

actions speak louder than words. WAY louder.

tigger's here right now since justin is somewhere for the long weekend... it's nice to have a dog around... i really wish i had a dog.... animals give a kinda love that humans don't really have...

Also--- HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!! we live in the BEST country in the entire world!

lessons in life
::the first half of the week::
think for a moment of all the people you care about. all the people who have positively impacted your life and have somehow left a footprint in your heart. how many of those people have you told that they are important to you or that you care about them? due to a situation that occurred this week i was caused to think about the people i care about in my life... and i guess that if there's anything good that came out of this situation is that i learned i need to value people more... learn to value their presence and to treasure every moment i am able to spend with them.. treasure every relationship made. because as much as people like to think that there's always going to be a tommorow for them to finally say "i love you", in a second, that tommorow could be cut off from our grasp. i i guess i just want all my friends and family to know that i care about them... just in case... also, this situation has kind of shaken me to hurry up and start sharing the gospel with my non christian friends and family...cuz at least with Christians you know where they'll be, you know where they're going... and that gives some peace of mind that our Heavenly Father is with them and that one day you'll be together again... but with non Christians... i guess i just want to make as great an effort as possible to ensure that my friendships with everyone will last forever.
also, i resolved to try hard not to judge others before getting to know them... and to try to get to know people even if they seem unapproachable... if God has provided me with a chance to meet people who have the potential to impact my life i should take it... before the chance is taken away...

::second half of the week::
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (err sorry i forget the biblical ref. Phillipians something...)
i won't ever give up. or come close to giving up again. i promise. -- but i understand.

my deepest prayers and sympathy go out to all those who are weary hearted or feel broken because of what happened... especially his family and close friends-- may God comfort you during this difficult time and give you peace in your hearts.

hi :P
wow computers are really screwed.
i dunno what happened but my whole blog just suddenly got really screwed up hence the dullness of it now.
write later..

halloooo... i'm in dc right now... yes. dc O_o i actually came here at like 8:30 this morning as a cause of my mom having to work and not being able to drive me to my exam that is at 1:30... at 1 i'm leaving to write my exam... i really should be studying as i don't really have very much time left until my exam i guess but yeah. i had breakfast with pattycakes which was cool as we were able to talk and stuff...
and i just ran into tanya who was coincidentally just 3 computers down from me... :D it's funny cuz i think ... although it may sound strange that it was meant for us to run into eachother? .. we just had a really good in depth conversation... and we were able to pray together :) which is cool because i've never prayed in a library before just out of no where... i think it's really cool to just be able to do that.. just... admist everything with school and whatever that God is just ever present everywhere we go in whatever we do... it's truly a blessing. anyhoo, i now have a lot to think about...and i think that it's important to be able to think about things instead of being a total airhead all the time and blog about how i'm dying my hair today and getting a haircut.. although that is still exciting. i'm gonna try to spend more time with God and really try to get to know myself and where i stand on things so that when i'm asked i'll be able to understand my own thoughts and just share with others in a comprehendable manner. i would like to build up the "intillect in me" HA! ^_^ and somewhat lessen the "airhead in me". tanya said "maturity isn't based upon age, it's based upon life experience" if i am able to aquire more life experience and pray sincerely to God for wisdom, perhaps i will worry less about whether my young age has an effect on other people's thinking of me because i will know the extent of maturity within myself and be confident in who i am. but ... who i am is still to be determined. anyways, i should really get back to studying now. three down one to go....

exams exams... three down one to go.... funfunfun.
my week has been filled with exam stuff... i haven't gotten a decent night of sleep in a while. ... had my math and accounting exams yesterday :P after my accounting one i headed over to dc where eumie was extremely awesome and helped me with science which i had that exam today... but i was still up til 3 last nite studying the weather unit and trying to comprehend the physics unit which tobes ended up clarifying for me :) i find it so cool that i have friends in all different academic areas... english, math, sciences, history, you name it! :D so like when i need help with any subject i'll just be like hmmmm ... who do i know in THIS subject and stuff heehee

after our science exam today, me dora and kat hung out at dora's for a bit and then met jo for lunch (jo had to leave cuz she had a french exam) ... after lunch, me dora and kat went to DC to study HAHAHAAHA i'm becoming a dc geek ^_~ btu it's a nice plce to study... not too much noise, and uncrowded...
CCF Coffeehouse was tonight... twas very cool :) after actually contemplating of the reasons why i would go instead of just going "because i feel like it", i thoguht of a reason... but it was a pretty big sunday school answer reason i guess... but after going, i'm really glad i went... cuz eventho i am not a non christian and stuff... a lot of the stuff ppl said made me think alot abotu stuff... for example, sam was talkign about how everyone has a void thatcan only be filled by God but ppl try to fillit with different stuff... and i never really thought about it... but i'm beginning to think that i focus a lot on people... like, my relationships in my life with other people mean a lot to me... and i think sometimes to an unhealthy degree... i think i really needto get my spiritual life back on track and just make Jesus my number 1 priority all the time. but yeah... patty drove me home (thanks patty :)) so we got to talk some which was really good :) see there i go with people again ;P gonna go do some devos and go to sleep.

i was sitting at home starving to death tonite but then my mom can and gave me this huge thing of kfc ^_^ and left again...
so i'm alone at home with this HUGE bag of kfc so naturally.. i call jo who came down to my place because she truly enjoys spending time with me :P HA! spending time with kfc is more like it :P btu anyhoo, nice spending time with my best = ) we took some crazy pics with my web cam as you can see above ¬_¬ insane? perhaps.

time to discuss my phone problem on the net so everyone will be informed. i have been diagnosed with answeringmachiniphobia and compulsive never leaving messages =P ... admitting my problem is the first step :P ... yeah ... uhh ok. today i called janey 7 or 8 times because see, when i call and get the answering machine, instead of leaving a msg i just keep calling over and over and over and over until i get you instead of actually ever leaving a msg cuz see, i hate my voice on answering machines and i always sound dumb cuz i dunno what to say. secondly, when i leave a msg i tend to have to wait for ppl to call me back. i hate that. like, i'm kind of an impatient person but like, sometimes ppl don't relaly get around to calling you back or they don't end up getting your msg and i just sit there and wait and stuff :P which i just can't do without getting all stressed out :P so yeah. there now everyone knows. i'm not really a freak .... just kinda. O_o
[aside: thanks patty for the offer of the popsicle even though i was in the shower :9]
[aside: gladys i'm sooooo happy :) :) :) cuz relationships are a gooooood topic :) let's spread the word :D]

One Girl Revolution (Superchic[k])

i wear a disguise
i'm just your average jane
the super doesn't stand for model
but that doesn't mean i'm plain
if all you see is how i look
you miss the superchick within
and i christen you titanic
underestimate and swim

i got the rifle going to be myself

and i'll be everything that i want to be
i am confident in insecurity
i am a voice just waiting to be heard
i'll shoot the shot bang
that you hear around the world
and i'm a one girl revolution
i'm a one girl revolution
i'm a one girl revolution

some people see the revolution
but most only see the girl
i can lose my hard earned freedom
if my fear defines my world
i declare my independance
from the critics and their stones
i can find my revolution
i can learn to stand alone

congrats to all you graduating peeps! ^_^
went to eumie's after school today and me, eumie, anita, toby, and yuling walked to clara's convocation... only toby had to go write his exam so he didn't end up going to the convo =( so yeah, went to the convo (or post convo i should say)... took some pics, saw cute brother ^_~ =) =) *teehee*, and then headed back to b106/07 and chillaxed in the building for a bit ... went down to this cafeteria type place and sat around while eumie anita yu and jason were eating... jason is a really nice guy but he made some jokes that i didn't understand. ¬_¬ clara was talking about japan and i was sitting there playing with her keys ... after, we went back up to b106 and chillaxed some more and watched part of the Bachellorettes (hahahaha) ... yeah. i dont' know what was wrong with me today. perhaps it was my lack of sleep last night that just made me feel really down today. i dunno. i still feel down. down in the dumps =P but twas nice to be able to hang with clara some ... haven't for a while.

got home and slept. slept for a long time. i want to go sleep again. when i sleep i dont' have to think about depressing things. *sigh* i feel like the whole world is against me

fried i tells ya ... fried.
it's 2:22 am. ... is this even supposed to happen in highschool? O_o
it's gonna be at least another hour for me if i decide NOT to do the 6 research journals. hoorah.

Main Entry: 1fry
Pronunciation: 'frI
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): fried; fry·ing
Etymology: Middle English frien, from Old French frire, from Latin frigere to roast; akin to Greek phrygein to roast, fry, Sanskrit bhrjjati he roasts
Date: 13th century
transitive senses : to cook in a pan or on a griddle over heat especially with the use of fat
intransitive senses
crap! bell rang.. write more later

this is me in my polar bear pj's . it is 1:06 a.m. and i have to get up at 6 tommorow.
i detest computers... my entire report got deleted on me and when i finally did it all over again, my printer breaks down. ARGHHHH!!!!
time to get off the internet.... that's what i'm going to look like all of tommorow :P gnite... finally.
ps. i know i know... it's not as bad as in university :P like i really care right now :P :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEE!
(today in your time and tommorow in mine :) )

hummm... nothing really happened today so i can't really think of anything to blog about. *sigh* why oh why is waterloo such a boring place?
i remember sam saying "wow... highschool in waterloo must be so boring! like, what do you even DO? what's the point of skipping class? to go watch the deer at waterloo park? O_o" LOL how true... how sad. :P but no no no there's other things to do in waterloo! yes there are. such as... uhhh.... welll it's not like we don't have a mall (cough cough) or a movie theater :P so yeah there's something to do when skipping class... not saying that i skip class...¬_¬ plus we have FRESH AIR. now how many people who don't live in loo can say they have nice are huh? HA :P [this is my pathetic attempt to think of something to blog about]

i have a thought. you know how in protestant churches there's lots and lots of denominations? such as alliance, baptist, presby, pentecostal, etc. well... i always had theidea in my head that they all believed the same thing just had differences in certain aspects of the procedure of services or administrative stuff right? well i was wondering.... like, i go to an alliance church and when we do Lord's Supper it's open to all proffessing and practicing Christians which does not neccessarily mean you have to be baptised... so some people who aren't baptised but are Christians take the Lord's Supper... but i went to a baptist church for my friend's baptism in tdot and well they made it so you have to be baptised in order to take the Lord's Supper. and that's ok and everything i was just curious as to why... i dont' really get it because like, you can for surely be a Christian without having been baptised right? and so is the Lord's Supper for only those baptised Christians to commemorate Christ or for all Christians? cuz certainly you can do it either way i'm just wondering.... i personally think it's better to have it that all Christians can take it.. it's just a personal opinion, not implying anything... but i think this because when you do it so that only baptised Christians can take it than doesn't that give off a false impression to others that only the people who are baptised are Christian? dunno

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMIEE!
well i'm back after four whole days :P what ever happened to daily blogging? :)
reading lyds' blog today and thinking about what she said about how there's a certain pressure in blogging to "preform" ... so true! ... i remember when i started blogging way back when.. but not before emily :) there certainly was not as much variety and a way smaller "blog community"... and i didn't think many people read my blog at all, my blog was more for me who at the time when i started was going through a tough situation and felt like ranting and feeling like others were hearing it... and i would go on these huge rants and just spaz beyond spaz... sure i still spaz.. but for some reason... it feels like i've developed maybe a different tone.. and there's certain things i'll think about writing and then i'll be like "no... what would ppl think?" or "i don't know if that would be interesting to put" or whatever.. i remember when a bunch of ppl started telling me they read my blog and stuff i was like "wow really?" and i was talking about it to my parents or something and my dad was like "wow really? well then i guess you really have to watch what you say on there if so many ppl are reading it. no telling what they might think... " and i was just like ... hmmm never really thoguht about it. i think i've tamed up my blog a little since then... i wanna go back in to writing with my heart instead of my mind... i was telling tm yesterday that he shouldn't "edit his thoughts" and should just say what he means... i was mostly saying it because he was taking so long to answer me on the phone because he was trying to think of a good way to say things or whatever. but i think.. that i've really been editting my thoughts before they go down here lately... and i think i should stop. i try to be genuine most of the time in person and before on here too... so i'm gonna try to spend less time thinking about whether stuff sounds right or is good enough... and just spew out me. it'll prolly be more interesting that way anyways :P

something happened this week that i'm really confused about. see, there's this event that's coming up... and my friend "j1" wanted to be in it... well actually it was another friend- "j2" who actually asked her to sing a duet with him for this event although j1 is not directly involved in the group who is putting on this event. so j2 asked the people who are coordinating the event if it was ok for j1 to participate in it with him. he did not ask for her to sing a solo or anything... he didn't ask for her to get up and share her testimony with ppl or anything... but the people who are coordinating it said no. why? because j1 is not in the same "lifestage" as them. this decision was not a predetermined decision made at the beginning before the event was beginning to be organized, but instead was made when j2 asked about j1 being in it. am i annoyed? yes. but at the same time i'm not. people who know me... and even if you dont' really know me well but have been reading my blog should know that i'm really sensitive about the whole age thing. but i guess i dont' really care that much in this situation as it doesn't really directly involve me and j1 isn't very hurt by it. of course, she is disappointed but can live with the decision made. i think i'd be a lot more annoyed if she was hurt. so i guess in a way i'm really not caring about it ... btu at the same time i am. like, j1 wants me to go to this event with her and i said no. it's funny cuz it's a total roll reversal. normally, i would be the one to ask her to come with me to such an event but this time it's her who's trying to convince me without any success.. i'm really frustrated. i feel that i may be being really anal about this whole situation... i dont' know why things like this get to me so much. but ijust really don't feel right going cuz like... it feels like i'm somehow betraying my values if i do? does that make any sense? prolly not eh? :P i guess not many people ever see things the way i do. *sigh* sometimes i really wish i weren't me. before you think that i'm wallowing in self pity, stop. i'm not. i appreciate all the things i have and i'm greatful for how much God has blessed me in my life. it's just that lately, i've been feeling like "i'm a hazard to myself" Pink... like i just don't like WHO i am as in my personality... i take pride in being unique.... having different qualities and preferences than other people... becuase being different is what makes people beautiful! imagine if we were all exactly the same how scary that would be... but sometimes... i really do wish i were a different person because i really can't seem to do anything right. i mentioned two blogs ago that i was a traitor. i'll now explain the situation: i have a crush on the guy my best friend likes. i know it might not sound like a big deal but it is. a few months ago, some people thought i had a crush on my good friend's boyfriend... i flipped out. i couldn't believe that people would think that i would be capable of that type of atrocity against friendship. but now... i'm actually doing it. even tho they aren't going out this time... but the principle is the same. so that's one thing. second... i am sick and tired of my own.... convictions. i dont' mean Christianity :P i mean... like how i totally freak over agist or sexist comments and how it just makes me SO angry. it's hard because no one really seems to understand how hard it is. like... i'm always seemingly the youngest. i guess i put myself in that situation alot since i am friends with a lot of older people... btu even within my best friends who are my age i'm the youngest... i'll be the last to drive... the last to step into a bar (ok that's not THAT big of a deal :P ) btu ya know.. sometimes i really feel like i get left behind ... and i really just hate being treated different because of my age.. cuz i can't help when i was born and i guess it's just the people who love me regardless of the lifestage i'm in or how old i am that i really respect. and it hurts a lot when i'm treated differently because of my age and stuff. that's why it's such a big deal to me. but no one gets it and so i'm just sick of it. i wish i didn't care. it's too tiresome. but i can;t just stop caring about something i care about. that's like .... jsut doesn't work. there's a lot more reasons why my msn name right now is "i hate me..." but i'm sure you don't want to hear my complaints about how much i hate myself anymore (crap am i thinking about the audience again? :P ) well my fingers are tired too... so i am going to stop here ... "i'm a hazard to myself.. dont let me get me.. i'm my own worst enemy.. it's bad when you annoy yourself.. so irritating..don't wanna be my friend no more.. wanna be SOMEBODY ElSE."

"So many feelings... emotions running away with me... "
i feel... confused... change is scary. you'd think i'd be used to it by now living in waterloo seeing people come and go so often... but i'm not. i'm as unused to it as i was ever since i learned to miss people. it's weird. missing people before they leave is strange. or maybe not even leave leave... like you know how you can miss someone because things are changing after over a decade of it being the same and not neccessarily have them leave.. perhaps they are just moving on to a different stage of their life that you know you won't be a part of. it's hard. i won't say who i'm talking about... but to *you*: [i love you more than you could possibly know... sisters and friends forever]

referring to lyd's *poll* on whether it's possible for a guy and a girl to be best friends and not have a romantic relationship... i think yeah it's totally possible!! explain tommorow

we won our division and the division ahead of us for dragonboating!!!!!! YAY! :) our ending time was 2:24:55!!!! :) which is an all time record... :)

went out for bbt with jo, waiki, jiffy, patty, buffy, and dave today at timeless after db :)

just some thoughts as a result of this wknd:
1. being blown off sucks.
2. blueberry bbt is too sweet :P
3. i'm a traitor :(