i hurt.
yesterday was the first day of rugby practice.
i've decided nto to discuss as much of the actual things we did and more so what i felt about it.
there is something that i would like to mention though... two things actually.
1) in the two hours of practice we didn't stop running for more than 10 sec at a time... and these were few and far between...
2) the stairs. i will never gaze upon the stairs of my school in the same way ever again.
.... buttt... overall i had a lot of lot of fun!!! =) kekeke =)
the only parts where i didn't have fun were a) the stairs: honestly by the third time... i saw stars ... and nothing else. my legs were jelly ... and well yes. it wasn't exactly pleasant. not to mention that i was the last person to start and hence the last to finish... and ended up having to run to the weight room to catch up to everyone... by the end of that whole stairs ordeal (across second floor, up to fourth, across fourth down to second over and over and over...) my sinus's were all running, my throat was clenched and i had no voice, and my legs were complete jelly.
and if that wasn't enough.... b) when i got to the weight room only two seconds after the girl before me... i was met by my last year's careers teacher who loves me and is soooper nice to me all the time and gosh i was like "YES" in my head ... BUT ... he starts like yelling at me about how i should have gotten there quicker and like getting all pissy when i aksed to go to the bathroom to clear my sinuses =P ii was SOOOOOO upset. i think i learned something yesterday i dont' deal well with people yelling at me. actually i shoudl have noticed that before cuz i think about when i get mad ... a lot of the time it's a cause of ppl yelling at me . geez man. dont' yell at me! but i told myself to suck it up and i promised myself i was not gonna cry or whine during practice. and i didn't! =) of course when i met up with g afterwards, i whined a hell of a lot. but meh =P haha.. anyways i didn't realize how upset i was about the whole mr. ranton yelling at me thing until i saw him today to ask him about when i needed to figure out my course selections stuff.. i could hardly speak to him i was so mad and he's just like whoa... are you ok? and i was like whatever. you are so mean. and he's like huh? why am i mean? and i was like *glare* well yah you were just freakin yelling at me yesterday and blablablabla and honestly i got so upset i started crying HAHAHA... ahhhhh... =P ... soooo... yeah i was just in his office he was being SO nice to me... he's like oh my gosh i'm soooo sorry it was totally not personal bla;blabla... and he gave me chocolate =) *grin* ... i didn't want to be a wuss but honestly i just couldn't help it i cry when i'm mad. but he said he actually respects me for telling him and stuff which is cool.. plus i guess i am really sensitive because i've never really played on an intense sports team before (i dont' count dragon boating as intense lol sooo... yah... just came as a really big shock. but it felt really good to let it out.

everyone prolly thinks i'm a baby now =P .

i dont' care i am NOT =P i'm a big tuff rugby girl HAHAHA =)

*the weekend* =)
or .. well... most of it =)

friday... i did homework... heh. not much fun ... oh! but heidi and jo came over for a bit and we had fun with the sound recorder on my comp =) hehehehe =)i would post some of it up for your listening pleasure but.... it would be entirely too embarressing plus i dunno how =)

saturday... was the day of the big three ppl surprise party thingy hahaha =)[happy birthday auntie sandy, wayne and happy belated pastor tim!] was pretty cool =) turned out pretty well.. enuff food for everyone and enuff chairs for everyone =) yay .. haha... a day of firsts i'd have to say. in the afternoon we made sushi =) YUMMO =) brendan came over to help =) it was the first time brendan's come over =)prolly because i dunno brendan lol =) well not really anyways but he is hilarious and it was a lotta fun so me dora brendan and heidi and jo(later) made sum sushi for da partee... but i didn't take any pics of that. all i took pics of was dora and brendan eating pistaccio's in my room lol ... afterwards we headed off to mikey's to make wonton and spring rolls but after that we got a craving for bbls so brendan tiff dora and i went to sweet dreams ... it was tiff's first time trying bbl tea!! =) ... she didn't like it =P bah. hahah...

a lot of ppl showed up that were unexpectedbut it was cool =) nice nice nice =)... it was only semi surprising lol they all knew there was gonna be a surprise party just... they didn't know who it was gonna be for.. except pastor tim figured it out ... he always does lol =)... and being chinese they did this whole bday ppl have to kiss their spouse/girlfriend thing LOL ... and allthe ppl were jumping around (including me) playing paparazzi =) *ahem* for ur viewing pleasure haha: lol sorry jess =)


sunday... actually... it's still sunday =)but i am gonna end up just doing more homework... until 7:30 when i have a practice for multicultural show at church...
lead sings today... oh my gosh those kids make me so frustrated sometimes. .. i mean... like ppl are like tell them if they don't shut up that they have to come up to the front and lead with you. and i can't do that. i can't and won't turn worship into some sort of horrible punishment. *sigh* God... show me what to do... please... -_-
jeh jeh was up today! =) yay! haven't seen for a long time =)twas nice... went and met up with her at pita factory... pluss...... guess who i met finally?
vidaloca!!! kekeke =)yes it is a big deal cuz when u talk to someone so often online but never actually meet in person... well it's cool when u finally do =) *grin*


so that's my weekend in a nutshell =) oh wow what an "events" post =P... heh well i'm tired of just venting thoughts all the time events are cool once in a while =)... gonna go do some more homework =P

rugby ... starts on monday
i am SO SCARED. i'm gonna end up crying and throwing up too =P i *feel* it like.. i kno i'm gonna
supposedly the first week of practices are hell. oh my goooodnesss... *soooooo nervous*

so hard to come clean. i have the desire to be honest with ppl i care about. but yet... still so afraid... not because of lack of trust but just because... no matter how objective someone is ... knowing someone has O_o thoughts... can still change ur perspective of them.. i guess... *sigh* but i'm getting there. two down, one to go.

what is a definition of a close friend? -- i decided to make it the people i trust most. [disclaimer: i am not saying that they neccessarily view me as a close friend in return ... i am just saying that these are the types of people that are close to ME because they know parts of me i'd rather have in the dark.] i was thinking to myself... okay so my close friends are the ones i trust... well who do i trust then? i talk to so many people... abotu so many different things... hwo do i decifer whether or not i reallllly trust someone? (because i obviously do not walk around thinking about my level of trust for everyone all the time). i have come to this conclusion. i am pretty open about stuff generally because i do not like to be fake and i don't like to hide myself. how can u develope friendships if all u do is hide? ... so people tend to know things about me and the way i feel. two things exceed this -- these being my spiritual life and my dark side. i have a lot of trouble talking about my spiritual walk with people. sometimes people will be like "you seem to try to change the subject every time God comes up" ... it's just becuase it's so personal for me... id unno why but .. stuff like that is just SO personal... Jesus is really important to me. He is an *intimate* part of me. people think that all i think about is guys and crap and that guys are on my mind more than God is... but it's just because guys are less important and less close to me than God is which is why i so easily open up about it and i guess it gives off the impression that that is all it hink about. (altho i do admit boys *are* on my mind alot but come *on* i am still a girl =P) anyways that is why i tend to shy away from talks about God and my spiritual life.. this does not apply to questions about the bible etc which is fine for me to talk about...
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.

*thankyou*

p.s. eumie is cool and showed me how to put a song on here ... LISTEN =D
it only plays once because she said it is too annoying to have an infinite loop =P is *not* haha
anyways listen to my cool cool song =)

question:
why did John Mayer say he was 16 at the grammy's last night but when i looked it up apparently he is 25. O_o ...
i thought there was hope after all too... =P hahaha... his body is a wonderland kekekeke =P

winter wondersol
lol went to waterloo park today with dora kat jo heidi and ... yeah ok. just them haha =) twas sooo funn... dora read the "wonders of winter" as wondersol winter .. gotta go see those lights next year... used to go every year but i've been missing them for a couple...
anyways the animals are STILL OUT! =) well =) and =( becuase... well they must be somewhat cold but i guess they can go inside if they really want to... there was a donkey, goats, bunnies =) , turkies(so scary), and deer.. deer are my favourite they were following me =) and also tehy eat outta ur hand =) sooooo pretttyyyy =) ... the bunnies are really cute but they don't even come very close for very long so u can pet them =P we wandered down the path and ended up coming to the playground near the water park thingy... anyways this playground has FLAT SWINGS =) these being swings that are like... a big plate/ saucer... me and kat shared one and dora and kat shared one and di was taking pictures and yeah ...we were kinda chicken to stand up but jo and dora stood up =P twas soooo fun =) and tehnnnnnnn... i made a SNOWANGEL!! =D kekeke i jumped into the snow just to do that and it was awesome until dora was mean and wrecked it =P BLAH hahhaa... anyways i have fun with those girlies =) haven't doone something like that for a while =) go to waterloo park .. *see*? waterloo is the BEST .

in memory of Pansy Lam
went to Auntie Pansy's memorial service today... i didn't know her taht well but she was a really really nice person and continued to have an amazing faith in God and a visible peace about her even as her life was slipping away... please take some time to remember the Lam family in your prayers especially my friend Jeff and his dad Henry. thanks

opposite day
lol had the opportunity to meet some ppl today... including a spunky girl named Jasmine she has so much pizazz u wouldn't guess that she's 7... unless u look at her that is =P but hey, age shouldn't draw judgement anyways =) and another 7 year old Sam, the kid of the pastor of London Chinese Alliance, who's so what grownups would call "gwie" no not strange.. =P more like "good" haha.. anyways these two are hilarious they're like best friends and yah... oh my goodness here is an amusing conversation they had with my friend Jeff today...:
[jasmine and sam are punching jeff]
jasmine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sam: does this hurt?
jeff: no... i mean yeah it hurts so much. stop . stop.
jasmine: nuh UHHHH... it's OPPOSITE DAY! hahahaha
sam: that means you said keep punching you!
jeff: WELLLL..... if it's opposite day and you say it's opposite day then that means it's not really opposite day
jasmine: well then it's not opposite day!
jeff: ok. then it's not opposite day.

lol lol lol

my future
went to Stratford General Hospital today... with my dad and jo =) ... my dad is like the boss of the pharmacy depmnt. so we got vip access to the physio and occ therapy depmts... actually they are just really nice and let us spend half the day with them ... it was really cool to be able to talk to some of the patients esp those who are living in the hospital due to the need to recover from stroke/ other problems... it's strange how complete strangers will open up to you about stuff that people you "know" won't even. just seems like ur presence gives them joy... especially this one lady i talked to for like 15 min Catherine... who had a very interesting story... but yeah... i can definitely see myself working in either physio / ot so i think i'm semi set! =) hoorah! =) now if people ask me what i'm "gonna be when i grow up" i don't have to shrug and change the subject =) i really like the environment of that hospital. especially the pharmacy deptmt which was the old pediatrics ward so there's disney characters painted all over the walls LOL ... my dad's office has mother goose. hahaha...

Raiden
i've been meaning to post these pictures for everyone to see jsut how adorable dora's new puppy raiden is =D kekeke =) :
dora with raiden in her kitchen


raiden *AWWWWW*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR TIM!!!!!



tim's in hong kong rite now... and rite before that he was in auzzie with the short term missions team that he has named JIT(jessica ivan tim) hahhaa... so wish him a happy birthday online cuz u won't be able to see him in person til next week. =)
thanks for always being so supportive, fun, and cool =) miss you tons!

oh!!!!.. i completely forgot to mention about Russel Warrad and his family coming down last week!!!!!!! MY KIDS!!!!! me and kira, emily, and hannah had a good time playing chocolate factory, wall tag, and eating icecream while everyone else was at sunday school =) it was sooooperrrr! Russel's sermon was AWESOME and stimulated a lot of thought which i was gonna blog about but it slipped my mind... i'll write about it tommorow =P =)
actually i wanna sleep now... i can't believe it. it's not even 11:00pm yet hahaha plus i don't have to go to school tommorow PA DAY!!!!! WOOOT! =D oh yeah =)

reminder
was surfing around and noticed this banner ad:against a yellow background it read:
Friends change. People leave. Pictures remain.
if you see me walkign around with a camera more often that's why =P

addiction

i am disgusted with myself.

i feel so ... selfish.

you brat.

how is it that i can actually concieve the ideas that my problems are significant?

foolish. naive. ignorant child.
course selections. confusion of my future. lifelong friendships crumbling. little pebbles on my road of life i just happened to stub my toe on. yet why do i act as if they are giant boulders blocking my way? reminds me of our girl's cell bible study about Daniel... his trust in God and courage to face whatever came to Him acted as a witness to others. i am nothing like Daniel. he faced his problems head on. why do i turn so fast to grab the hand of the people i trust? not letting go. "lead me through this please! i don't know how to get around it..." i cry, gazing at the megalith i see before me... yet to those i cry to ... they must be gazing at my same megalith appearing as a pebble in their eyes. generously they hold my hand again and again. thankyou. and now... tears of shame flowing from my eyes... i see how compared to some i have the life of a princess. i must appear to people in the same light as a rich snob throwing a temper tantrum because i broke a nail. especially now. i feel like i'm helping sucking the life out of some of the people i care about most. and for what? for consolation from my completely insignificant life. i am so sorry. i don't even know what it's like to suffer... to struggle. i am completely blessed.


no more. i am putting down the phone and turning off the screen. no more chats no more whining no more. no more.

it is time i lived up to my claims of not being a child. grow up you retard. ...
falling in to the arms of the Father. time to remember to let it all go to Him again...
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
[Psalm 46:1-3]

i want strawberry cheerios.

uhh.. yeah i spelled stranger wrong =P hahaha

future shopping.


a.k.a. deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life. i was in a bit of a frizzle this afternoon thinking about courses and such... i don't even know where to begin ... luckily, once again g saves the day by discovering this miracle bookie thingy online that shows you all the courses and prereq. etc etc :
http://www.ouac.on.ca/info/index.htm -the "INFO 63 Fall 2002 edition booklet" click click..
i was so so so happy untiillllll.... i dunno what courses to take next year! what the heck they have so many of the same programs with different prerequisites. like... some need bio and some need physics. some need two maths and some need none. yet all this naming it the same program geez. [pause] *SCREAM*

ahhhh

and now that i'm a little bit more calm.... i finally added the links that i was gonna add.. one only recently, one a bit ago, and one a long time ago =P in no particular order Jedi Stranger (happy birthday dru!!!!) the guy i dont' actually know ie. have never met... click click and go to the map thingy kk cuz it's realllllllyyyy cool! =) i'm the puppy in hong kong.. Yomi being eumie/ing =P =) out of the "shadows" hehehe =) tis very cool she has kinda like a chain of blogs going on in her one .... like... ahhh just go see for yourself =P =) and also sign the guestbook because that's what you do of course! oh sign my guestbook to while ur at it =) and Ivan's (i+a=lf) blog =) i was gonna link his australia page but meh just go and click on it in his link he has from his normal blog. i'm so lazy right now =P so yeah. more links =) i dun think i am the first to link any of these tho... so whcih is why i'm not like "wow look what i discovered!" =) heh =) but yeah all three are part of my semi daily blog reading routine =) so go. go now. bai =)

ice
it's so cold today... freezing cold. whatever has melted in the warm weather in the past few days has once again frozen a solid icy state. being the absolute klutz that i am, i have fallen on this ice a number of times in the past few days. it isn't pleasant but i've picked myself up repeatedly without getting overly emotional about it and continued to walk despite the knowledge that i may fall again. this is the world i live in. the past few terms have proven to be icy and many may have noticed the numerous times in which i could not keep myself standing. and i've fallen again and again. but i *have*, with the help of my wonderful heavenly Father and a few amazing people, gotten up each time. i do not cease to move through life. i try not to cower and hide my bruises from others... now and again though i need to sigh and cry a little and freak out.

now is one of those times.

i never posted this but i "lost" my best friend a bit before christmas. yeah some of you might roll your eyes .. yes we've done this before. but this time... well i'm pretty sure it's forever this time. we are still close of course you dont' jsut cease to be close with someone youv'e been tight with since you were three years old... and yeah it's okay that we're not best friends anymore because it was a mutual decision to not say it but not play the role. yet sometimes it frustrates me to see how we've grown apart in some aspects. we talk. yeah. but ... i dunno it's not the same. i dont' think we can share *everything* with eachother anymore. or at least she doesnt' seem to want to share everything with me anymore.. which of course is fine. she isn't always the first person i tell things to anymore either. and most days it's okay and it's not a big deal. but some days like today i'll look at it and think "what happened?" right now at this very moment we are having an icq conversation. if that's what you'd like to call it. a "conversation" consisting of no real depth whatsoever. our icq conversations are actually always like that. but lately ... our in person ones have been like that too. and that scares me. i know it must sound so weird like i broke up with my boyfriend or whatever =P EW. but no... i'm okay. i'm not falling apart and dying but it still makes me sad when i remininsce about a girl who used to be my best friend .. someone who would know almost ALL my secrets and i hers... and now... now i read her blog and i have absolutely no idea what she is talking about.

Buddy
CHEWY GOT ADOPTED!!! =) yayayayay =)
so no more going to that link for chewy... buttttt... i met and fell in love with someone on the weekend. his name is Buddy =) he's beautiful and has three legs because he got hit by a car while saving a baby. i love him. we were *meant* to be together we really are . ohhh... i wanna adopt him so badly.. we're soul mates.

by the way...
Do you have feelings? Do you like to do good things? Do you like animals?
if you answered yes to any of the above questions please click here for a chance to make a life better.

ahhhh my guestbook is messing up i can't post on it =P
this is what i was gonna write:
angee: LOL i didn';t realize u haven't seen how it looks like omg i'll take more and post them for your viewing pleasure kekeke i like our wallpaper! well... actually in the very beginning i wanted to tear it down and paint the walls baby blue but my parents were like "noooo!!! auntie rebecca has a *special interior decorator* that made this! it'll take to much time to take down blabalbla but i ended up growing attached to the wallpaper because some of the patters look like turtles (i'll show u a pic lol) and yeah. i don't like the blinds =P we actually got new ones for me but they didn't fit so we were liek oh we'll get more later but we never did =P i guess if i ended up tearing down the wallpaper and painting it bbblue i'd want wooden blinds =) i like wooden blinds =) but yeah... the red blinds clash so much lol what kind of special interior decorator is this person? =P haha...
[it's cool cuz i live in angee's old house in her old room lol yeahhh so that's what that's all about hehehe... ]

I'm DONEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *gush* soooooo happy i'm finally free and i'm booked my weekend completely full of no work hehehe =) my latin exam wenntt... alright i guess. it's funny... i used to hate my latin class in the beginning of the year... i don't hate it so much anymore. i mean, granted a lot of the ppl are.... well they dont' ahve much in common with me ... but they are always so sweet to me even if i think they are *so* annoying and they most likely have their preconceptions about me. also i have a tight group of me, adri, tams, fiona, and tiff so that's always nice too... but yeah... i guess it goes to show that even tho ppl might seem really... strange... they can actually be pretty cool when it comes down to it... i dont' mean cool as in "popularity" cool i mean... like when u get to know someone better what makes them creepy to you may turn out to be jsut something taht is really normal becuase they are who they are. i guess. i dunno. but there are still some of the ppl there that i *can't stand* but i will work on that. anyways. the exam was okay.

i'm starving. *so* excited about lunch --- I LOVE SUSHI =) mmmmm....

my exam went okay =) thanks to everyone for ur prayers =) GOD IS GOOD =) [all the time!]

and here is a picture of the freak fish =P
*anddddd* i got my GEETAR on the weekend!!!!! =) yayayayayayayay =) kekeke here's a pic of my new "baby" =)hehehe she's better looking in person and she sounds absolutely AMAZING.

yupz =) have so much to write/talk about... but will do it later cuz it doesn't really fit in at all with these pics haha...

current mood: it's swinging violently.

if i could pick a time to die it would be right now.

i feel like i've had all the energy sucked out of me.

my math exam is today. actually it's in less than 6 hours. i can't believe i'm up. i'm debating on whether three hours of sleep will do me more good or bad. the reason i am blogging at this insane hour of the morning is because i wanted to inform ppl about this exam cuz--mad mad prayer needed please pray for me! i think i'm prepared but... just pray.

spiderman is rebuilding his bubblenest again. this is a really big one. i think i need to sleep. i apologize to people i've been mean to in the past few hours or whatever. gosh. i am so tired. going to sleep.

invasion
my dad and sister went and bought more fish. they got another fighting fish ... my sister picked that one out not surprisingly it looks almost exactly the same as spiderman except it's blue and black instead of red and blue. the other one. *well* . my dad supposedly picked this one out according to my sister and it is the SCARIEST thing *ever* i am so freaked out. it's sort of a goldfish... well i'm not sure if it's a goldfish or not. i think so though but it's eyes are like... there are like... *things*.. *poooofs* growing out of the side of it's head/eyes... like two tumors on either side of it's head or something oh my GOODNESS it's so scary and it just stares at me i'm just like *shudder* . wow serioulsy, i am so freaked out by this fish i will post a picture of him later for your viewing pleasure when i am able to actually go near it. yes i know i am a wimp =P it's somewhat cute i guess but NOT.

droop
oh how i loathe this thing they call school... a future? pshaw! i dunno how i will be able to wake up tommorow morning =P
which is *fine* because that means i will miss my biology test. >_<
random thoughts for the day....
-how much would someone be willing to sacrifice[*risk* is a better word] to do something they like ...?
-change is unavoidable but we don't have to dive into it either.
-who makes sushi with cooked vegetables in it??!! apparently uw cafe ppl =P *barf*
-oh on the topic of sushi... amused gy's handrolls =)... and rotational angles lol ..
-mmm sushi *drool*
-and back to biology....

Mr. Raymond Chen passed away early this morning... let's all take comfort in the knowledge that he's finally home with our Heavenly Father.
"ur telling me that there's no hope, i'm tellign you you're wrong, NEVER UNDERSESTIMATE MY JESUS, when the world around you crumbles, He will be strong" rk i know but....
last night everyone was worried about him... everyone was visiting him. except me. i stupidly decided to stay home and wait until today so i could go see him just before my volunteer shift at the hospital.
i even left school early today around 1:45 to catch the bus and be there with plenty of time to spend seeing him. upon arriving at the hospital i contemplated going to the gift shop to get him something before going up but since i realized i didn't really know what to get anyways, i decided to go straight up to the 5th floor.
stepping into the intensive care unit i peeked into the divisions looking for him or mrs. Chen... this searching was to no avail. anxiety suddenly filled my gut.. as a nurse asked if she could help me i quickly spewed out his name and asked her if she could help me find him. "are you a family member?" she asked politely... "umm.. no... a close family friend." ... sadness filled her eyes.. "i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Mr. chen passed away late last night/early this morning... it was peaceful and his family was with him." i stood there for a few seconds unable to speak. "are you alright?" she said with concern.. i nodded, thanked her and headed back down to the third floor. i guess i was tearing and stuff... but i dunno... it didn't really hit me. and then i called G[thankyou...] and when i started talkign to her i just completely started sobbing. i guess out of sorrow, anger, shock, and worry all rolled into one. sorrow because he's gone, anger because i didn't go visit last night and waited til today, shock from finding out from the nurse like that, and worry abotu how Mrs. Chen must be feeling. it jsut seems liek there has been so much sadness everywhere lately. i mean, my friend's mom died a few days before christmas and now this?! .. Mr. Chen and i .. although we talked sometimes were not like really really close or anything... but i've always been pretty close with Mrs. Chen. i can't even begin to imagine what she must feel like right now. gosh to be married to someone for such a long time... and my friend sam (the chen's grandson) he doesn't get into 'loo from bc until midnight tonight. how must he feel? there's just been a lot of sadness lately. sometimes i get nervous abotu being sad because people have told me it signifies distrust in God. but i was talking to vidaloca and she said something that is so extremely true: "well being sad isnt controllable on ur part.. but God can control it.. its not an instant thing where you can totally just lift everything to Him and he'll suddenly make you not sad.. but its recognising that God has that plan.. although its hard to see.." so ... how do i feel *now*? still sorrow, anger, and worry... but less because i know whatever happens it is all part of a grand scheme of things that i can not see. be that as it may i have not lost faith in God for whatever reasons and i am convinced that He will take the misery we feel and turn it into something greater and more wonderful than we can ever imagine. we just have to hold on until then.. lift eachother up.. and focus on Him. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

sunday lalala =) i love sunday =)
i got to hang out with timmie poo lol today =) well him and a lot of ppl but i mainly had a good conversation with him which was great .. great to see him too =) it was funny... i just realized that he was 28 meaning 12 years older than me LOL so he's like "1986!??! i remember my favourite song from 1986 and listening to it while iw asdoing my paper route!" lol so weird.. but it was cool what he said after he said he didn't feel the age gap and did i? no... i dont' feel it either.. and he goes you know why? cuz you're mature for your age and i'm immature so we meet somewhere in the middle lol =) we're both actually 22 =P hahaha... =) it was funny =) but i *still* dont' blelieve maturity is bound to age NOPE NOPE! maturity is somewhat bound to experience though.. which does connect to age somewhat.. although i have friends who are sixteen and have a great deal more experience than some people who is thirty or whatever..but i am reserving another entry to rant about age and maturity hehe
simple
i "taught" sunday school today hehehe twas fun hanging out with kadin, elizabeth, karen, and joshua =) it's cool they're ages 5, 6, 7, and 8 (josh, karen, kadin, lizzie) yes. small things amuse small minds =P .. but yeah we had some fun chilling and talking about loving your enemies.. i think i learned something. i think i know all the principles etc.. but josh, kare, liz and kadin are really good at applying it to real life.. i mean, right away elizabeth's like "i hate my teacher. she yells too much" and i'm just like "yay! that's a way you can practice loving ur enemy!" and stuff.. like.. for me.. i know "love your enemies" it's been drilled into my head over and over for how many years in the church but i still see myself struggling with it even today... getting really really testy with the children's service coordinator who seems to thing he rules the universe and expects me to take up his responsibilities last minute.. or with my family rushing to church in the morning ... or with the last person who made some stupid age remark...or with the people who i have been struggling not to hate for the past week .. hard to keep a fake smile on. but i realized something from sunday school. it's not about pretending to like them.. it's about loving them. "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." that's something we talked about.. one of the ways to love your enemies is to pray for them. in that way.. they sort of become your friends. because you care abotu them enough to want good to come to them. i think that if i turn my mentality in this way it'll be better. turn them into friends that i am concerned about instead of people who i despise. and somehow those ppl that i have been struggling to put a happy face on for change from being a struggle to something natural. =) simple. things are so simple. thankyou to kadin, liz, karen, and josh for showing me that today =)

why?
and once again i am filled with false hope. like cherry coke you fill me with air that tricks me into believing i am satisfied and yet moments later you will dash my dreams and make me crave your presence once again.. the sweet taste only just lingering there reminding me of how much i want you to be there. i search everywhere for you. at every vending machine turning my head twice to see those black letters read your name. anticipating. waiting. waiting for the time that i will no longer be some sort of shadow in the back of your mind. why did you have to lift the reciever? like your hand has cast some sort of magic spell over me and as you spoke joy and relief rushed into me like a wave of moisture in the driest desert. and yet those few precious moments had to fade away so quickly... but not without a promise... the promise of return. at first, i could think of nothing more i wanted to do than to throw my arms around you in fond embrace however impossible but now... now i am just angry. "don't make me promises! baby you never did know how to keep them well" but your voice... i almost believe you. "is this how it ends with a simple telephone call?.. you leave me here, with nothing at all."
but still... "you know i'd walk a thousand miles if i could just see you..."
i miss you.

yay for matt in saying diana krall is not infamous and beautiful! but i am not going to say anything else because i don't want to insult anyone =)
you know who *is* infamous and beautiful? and talented and sexy and wonderful? .. my future husband. yes that's correct...Ewan Macgregor. if you don't know who he is he happens to be in the best movie in the entire world.. Moulin Rouge. =) hehehe.. i've been sort of obsessive over him and moulin rouge lately... watched it like five times last week =P.. I LOVE IT! ^_^ "The greatest thing you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return!"

longing for love... =P
haha.. ahhhhh i want a formal date... =P i am having some love problems.. =P but i'm not the only one... Spiderman is also moping about with me about *his* love life which is sadly stopped by a barrier of glass.. =P twas interesting... cuz just yesterday jo, dora, kat and i were discussing fish mating and then at night while i was talking about Spiderman's bubbles [he's been blowing alot of bubbles] Euming somehow found this site that completely explains both the bubbles and the fish-mating it says [ this is for fighting fish]: The male's courtship display both intimidates rivals and attracts females. If he is unsure of the other fishes sex, the male waits for it to respond; if it is a female, she folds her fins to indicate interest, whereas if it is a male, he attacks. Before courting, the male builds a nest for the eggs by blowing sticky mucus bubbles that bind together and form a raft. The eggs stick to the underside of the raft, safe from predators and close to oxygen. After the male performs this display, he leads the female under the nest. He entwines himself around her and turns her on her back. She releases eggs into the water, which he then fertilizes. The eggs are laid in small batches, and as they are released, they sink down through the water. The male catches them in his mouth and blows them up into the sticky nest. He guards the nest until the eggs hatch. [ladywildlife] so anyways... that solves the "mystery" ... ew... i thought it was so cute that he was blowing bubbles before hahaha turns out he's just as lonely for love as me.. =P we've both been napping alot too =P .. i have so much in common with this fish. HAHAHA... =P

oh my goodness i forgot to mention this... ahhh this should really take a seperate entry on its own... but I GOT A NEW ENGLISH TEACHER! .. i know what you're thinking... "what's the big deal about that?" but .. i got Mr. Ball. *who* is mr. ball you ask?... WELLLL... let me tell you... Mr. Ball is seriously *the* most attractive man in the teaching business. He is *SO HOT* wow. well he has nice features.. nice brown hair... flawless skin... very cut body ... a smile that makes you want to MELT. *heartflutter* ... but it's really his personality that turns me on. i would *so* marry this guy if it was legal =P. he's really passionate about stuff.. sometimes when he talks he'll like semi yell cuz he gets really into it... he got 97% on his LSAT!!! smart guy! but he chose to go to teacher's college instead because he wants to help people! awwwwww... he said "if i can go to bed at night knowing i maybe helped one student... life is worth living" somethign like that anyways... *drool* ... he's coaching rugby too!! but... sadly sadly not the girls... =P ... at least he won't have to see me sweat like a pig. i respect him a lot... i mean aside from him knowing so much and being able to hold a great discussion with our normally unenthusiastic english class and him being so passionate about issues... he said this "I don't expect you to respect me until i have *shown* you i respect *you*. And until i have proven to you that i deserve your respect. I respect people who respect me and i respect people who speak their minds" OH MY GOSH!!! i love that! that's exactly how i think! like.. if a teacher respects me and shows me that s/he is worthy of my respect that's when i give it. and he has that very right in his mind. yayayayay and i SO respect him =) plus HI MR BALL I SPEAK MY MIND!!!!!!!! i speak my mind too much... but, hey, if he likes it... =) okay. now it is time to stop being giddy about my english teacher. Actually, please pray for my *old* english teacher Ms. Catherine Dewitte. she's gonna be gone til at least march maybe the end of the year becuase she's sick.. at first i thought it was her knee problem but the other day when someone was saying somethin abotu how she never taught anything Mr. Ball was like "yeah... cut her some slack.. she's a very sick woman and i think she's been like htis for quite some time which is probably why she didn't really teach" so i'm thinking it's her depression or whatever it is that she takes pills.. she's such a sweet lady... i think she's been through alot... or at least that's what i gather from my conversations with her. i';m sure God will take care of her though...

amused
i am thankful for the things and people that made me laugh today ...

at lunch, to avoid a certain boy figuring out that we were talkign about him [i was talking about him and he walked over without my noticing and everyone was like shut up shutup!!] i began rambling about fish. it went a little something like this:

Jasy: so he walked in to my hist.... my room. and i was like "what are you doing here? this is my room."
Dora: oh you mean your ... ummm .. father?
Jasy: yes yes. he said he left his fish in my room. i was just like "you haven't come back since i was FIVE!!! why are you suddenly coming back into my life NOW?!?!"
Dora: yeah.. he left you and your mom and your baby.
Jo: that you had with your fish.
[at this point the guy leaves and we stop having a make believe conversation lol]
Jasy: so yeah he came into my history room this morning...
Dora: i can't believe you had a baby with a fish! you disgust me! lol ... do fish mate with their gills? [she was totally serious]
Jasy: NO!!!! they *breathe* with their gills! ... the male fish *shoots* it out and the female catches it with...
Jo: OH MY GOSH!!! NOOOO!!! the female LAYS the eggs and *then* the male fertilizes them!!! O_o
[INCONTROLABLE LAUGHTER]ditz day! anyways.. i dont' know why i thought the male shot it out. -_- but at least i didnt' think they used their gills =P
Dora: kat, what did *you* think?
Kat: i don't really think....
Dora: no you don't.
lol lol we are such weirdos . =)
i have so much more to say...but it's more serious so i'll post later to keep this entry as pure fun =)

note: the previous entry that seems to be an entry from today is actually from yesterday ie. Wednesday January 8th i just didn't actually get a chance to post it before my internet crashed last night.

got some coffee with gy today at will's ... [was good to see u again] lol *loser sign* it's only been two weeks *roll eyes at myself*
i'm treasuring conversations lately... i think it's because i'm not having many "real" ones lately.. i mean, yes real conversations but less about more deeper things and more of those ones about "stuff" ya know.. i dunno lyds was blogging about it. like when you talk abotu computers or something. i guess that's a real conversation but i feel like i'm somewhat wasting my time because i'm not exactly developing my relationships much. although i supposed it could be argued that talking about computers is learnign about the person's interests. but i dunno. i'd rather talk about issues/feelings/etc... just me. i think i'm too "feely".


and... it's Geeko Freako Month! =P that's right... guess what i just did? i made myself an exam study schedule =P lol what a loser eh? well i'm taking my future into my own hands =P but yeah... i can't wait til this month is over.. i don't like school not one little bit. especially not around this time of year.

dumbos
this little bum grade nine just threw snow at my head. well it wasn't on purpose he was throwing it at his friend and missed.grrrr... i didn't like that one little bit. what was he doing outside anyways? GO TO CLASS haha.. well i guess i shouldn't talk i'm out of study again haha but i have a legitimate reason! ie. volunteering yo! =) but i don't have to catch my bus yet so i'm blogging keke =)


woes: formal is in a month...
i need a ... date, a dress, cash, shoes.
pathetic.

noooooo
guess where i get to go tommorow? O_o school. ahhhhhhhh....
feeling: dread.


i had a nice conversation with spiderman again today when i got home... i had a lot on my mind... i love how he swims right up to me or near the top of the tank in front of me like he's trying to hear me better through the water or something hehe... i'm gonna miss him so much i'm not being a freak i'm serious =P ... i play him songs too =) he likes Moulin Rouge just as much as i do. =)


don't like: life stages
i dont' like life stages. why? it separates people. how scary is it when you have close close friends who have moved on to a different life stage and suddenly... it's like things are changing. i always say... age doesn't matter. and it doesn't. and i dont' think life stages should matter if ur friendship is really strong either... but it's harder to stay as close as you are when they move away and go through totally different experiences you've never gone through... creates sort of a separation that was never there.. i feared this. now it's beginning. i miss you sometimes even when you're right next to me and i'm talking to you. am i a stranger to you?

should do devos and sleep... doing devotions every nite is one of my new years resolutions =) gnite

winter wonderland
at long last... SNOWBOARDING today!!! =) LOL... not exactly what i anticipated =) ... bright and early tiff, ray, jo, and i set off in ray's rumbly car to chicopee hehehe =) so we got our snowboards and stuff the boots smelled SO BAD gosh man... u think they would like... somehow let them druy out or something before giving them back out to customers...so ... we got our boards and went out.. we walked up the bunny hill a bit and did a run... [i have never been on a snowboard in my life] so i'm gliding down the hill weeeeeee... wow man i'm actually okay at... AHHHH!!! BOOOOM! FLIP... CRASH! owwwwww..... this happened for like an hour and a half and then i finally decided to switch my board for skis cuz i can ski and i thot i'd have more fun than just falling falling falling all day and staying on the bunny hill all day =P =) plus i figured i'd just get buffy to actually teach me how to board later =) hehe.. thanks buffy =) so yeah.. i went to switch and they made me pay FIVE BUCKS just to switch! what a rip off especially since snowboards are already more expensive than ski rentals! =P geez.. and then when i finally got thru we decided to have lunch and jo, tiff and ray all decided to switch too .. jo got skis and tiff and ray got *snowblades* so cool =) tiff and ray didn't have to pay!!!!!!! [apparently because ray is "lang jie" hahahaha but jo had to pay 5.75!!! aiiiii... it's corrupt i tells ya.. =P .. so yeah we had a lot more fun the rest of the day cuz we actually got to go on some better hills such as Front HAHAHAH which we went on like 50 bazillion times ... tiff couldn't stop on her snowblades so when she was about to crash in to a fence ray caught her and some like 10 year old girls were giggling at them LOL so jokes =) ... anyways it was really fun =) had a really good time chilling with ray tiff and jo .. yeah .. went back to loo chilled at ray's for a bit had some pizza yummm and looked thru yearbooks and pics and stuff and then went to st. cinn's and met up with heidi kat[kat's back!!!!] dora wallace kare[karen's back!!!!] waiki and alex and then after went to heidi and jo's and me jo kat dora heidi and karen had some girl talk time =) hehehe haven't done that in a while =) ahhh we're all so weird i just realized =) okay not *just* realized but yeahhhh... we were "reminincing" too... back in the day when all of us weren't in university and so different than we are now... it's interesting to see how friendships develope.. anyways... that's my update.. will post chicopee pics soon =)

2003
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! =) ... i forgot to post that i got over that last little spazz on the 31st teehee i do that too much =) overreact to little things. but at least i didn't say anything mean to anyone =) wow. i think that was my last spaz of 2002! here's some other lasts:
last thing i had to drink: sparkling grape juice hehehe alchohol subsititute ^_~ i'm underaged =P *goodygoody*
last song i listened to: Dance with Me : 112
last movie i saw: on video: Ice Age in theatres: Two Towers
last person i talked to: jo i think
hehe.. ummm... FIRSTS! of 2003...
first drink: sparkling grape juice again! haha..
first movie i watched: MOULIN ROUGE!!!!! [only the best movie in the entire world ... COME WHAT MAAAAAAYYYYY................] *^_^*
ooohh!!! forgot to put: Last accomplishment of 2002: I GOT MY G1!!!!!! FInALLLLLLLLYYYYY wei anyone wanna take me driving??! ^_^
[hint hint nudge nudge to you know who you are hehehee =P]

goodbye
oh apparently i'm naive now as well.
proud, naive, ... well this is it. take one good long look at me. cuz i'm not coming back the same.
goodbye.

>_<
it's one of those times again.. one of the times when my blog is of extreme use to me... when i feel my heart sink into my gut and i'm so confused .... and i'll be like "i gotta call.... no i gotta do.... no not that either... " and i really don't have a clue what to do or what to feel... you know what makes me so frustrated? when i dont' know what i want... like... i'll have this set way of doing things and that's what i believe in and that's how it's gonna be for me. period. but ... then i'll enter certain situations where these "ways" are unconciously self-compromised... and then when i step back and look at it... i realize how little sense it makes. like today i was watching Passions at my hairdresser's house and Kay was talking to Charity about how by forgiving Miguel for making love to Kay because he said that he thought it was Charity when he did it, would be hypocritical. and Charity was like "why is that hypocritical?" and Kay's like "welll... if you believe sex to be such a sacred thing and love to be linked to it sacredly then you really shouldn't take that and soften your standards and twist things to make it okay for Miguel to have compromised your beliefs jsut to get him in your bed. doing so makes you the biggest hypocrite i know." and... that's sort of how i feel except i'm both Kay *and* Charity.[oh btw, this is very NOT about sex =P] cuz on one hand... i believe so so strongly in a certain way i shoudl be treated and defend it quite strongly... but then on the other, someone goes and treats me in a way that i usually can't accept but.. for some reason which i don't know, i just let it be... and sometimes i even sorta like it. and then i wonder why sometimes i get upset about it and sometimes i dont' and maybe it's because i shouldnt' have let it happen like that in the first place... ?! if i make a "way" that "must be followed" should i not stick with it, no exceptions? ... if i don't, i sorta feel like i have no dignity... or maybe it's pride... maybe i really do have a "pride issue" ... maybe you were right...

happy belated birthday Jesus!!!! =)
christmas was great this year =) ... quiet.... nothing extravigant... alot of time at church and people's homes with family and friends =) food, cheer, and music =) a nice time to remember the GINOURMOUS gift God gave us--- JESUS =) He is truly the reason for the season! SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD!!!! no matter how much anyone complains about it being politically incorrect or whatever... i'm allowed to have freedom of speech too and i say I LOVE JESUS! *sigh* =) i love Christmas =)
here are someof the faces of Christmas...

and i just couldn't resist this ... this is Jesse!!! ^_^ the cutest baby *ever* =) one of them anyways =):



anyhoo... hope everyone had an awesome christmas!!!! =) post more later.. getting too tired of uploading pics =P

happy birthday!

HAPPY 15th WU BOY!!! aka wallace =)

Spiderman

spiderman, spiderman, friendly neighborhood spiderman... =) teehee... spiderman can swim =) that's rite! =) keke this is for eumie but feel free to read along about her feeshie =) ... he's doing good =) my sister hasn't terrorized him and i'm not forgetting to feed him or anything like that =) he *is* a really friendly fish! i'll like walk over and he'll swim over to the side of the bowl that i'm on hehehe... we had an interesting conversation about random stuff today he said he misses you =P he's also quite the model. he'll swim in cool positions and then sit like that for like a long time. or long enuff for me to take the picture anyways. he even looked at the camera and everything. it was quite quite cool =) lol looksee==>>



in the first one he's looking straight at the camera and then in the second one he's posing for a profile shot and then in the third one he's looking down at the camera =) hehehe

the past two days...

aside from watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers which was SOOOO GOOD!!! a lot better than the first one in my opinion... go see it! =) but pee first. i was holding it through the WHOLE movie cuz i didn't wanna leave ahhh... .. anyways aside from that was totally entirely filled with SHOPPING~ last minute tsk tsk. =P i was bored so i made an image inspired by my new MODROBES! but mine are navy blue =P... i shouldn't be buying myself stuff but ohwellies =)





on a totally different note... my friend Jeff's mom Pansy Lam passed away a few days ago... please keep her family and her close friends in your prayers... she was an amazingly sweet woman and a lot of people are hurting right now... i just pray God will lift them up in this time of suffering.

shopathon
went up to burlington to shopshopshop!!! ^_^ twas a LOT of fun =)

MITTENS I GOT MITTENS!!!! ^_^ *thanks way-mun* =) *props* LOL

will go more in depth tommorow. i'm sooooooo tireddd.... -_-zzzzzzzzzz

biology "class"
the scene opens in the WCI library where dora and jasmine are supposed to be in bio listening to MORE presentations but are sitting out here instead... lucky for them, mr. westoby is a nice friend =) =P

Jasy: sooooo.... what's up?
Dora: i have the runs...again.
Jasy: LOL yum.
so what are u gonna get tonite?
Dora: presents...isn't that what we're doing? eh? isn't brendan adorable?
Jasy: yeah and YEAH! heehehehehe... so nice. and funny =) "i make food for smart people"
Dora: if anyone gives him crap at the uw caf they're gonna hafta answer to ME
Jasy: muahahaha.... we should go there and say hi and stuff
Dora: yes. we should.


again.
wow. arent' our lives so interesitng?
Dora: i heard clapping...should we go in?
Jasy: do you really want to hear morrrrre people talk about genentics? O_o
Dora: i don't know what genentics are
Jasy: =P i meant genETICS.

yuletide


question: what the heck is "yule"?


Christmas is coming quickquickquick!!! ^_^ hoorah! accept NOT because i haven't even STARTED my christmas shopping yet! baaahhhhh... yesyes i know that's not the meaning of Christmas but i *still* wanna get the shopping done. come friday 'twill be MAD shopping. there is no better word to describe what i'll be like on friday. =P ... i am constantly brain storming for gift ideas... people must think i'm going crazy as i walk down the halls of the school making a mental note of interesting things people have on their backpacks or the clothes people are wearing... hoping and praying for inspiration... for some spark that will set off in my mind and produce a *perfect* list of all the presents to get people for christmas. *sigh* so stressful... not to mention my tight budget this year. ahhhh... =P


aside from stress from shopping... Christmas is always a huge time of reflection for me ... especially about the things that i'm grateful for. recently i've noticed i have magnitude of complaints and little emmissions of gratitude. so i decided that i need to think of one thing to be grateful for everyday. today... i am grateful for..... DA BEEN LOW!!! ^_^ muahahahahaha... we had "da been low" for dinner tonight. i have absolutely no idea what that is in english... perhaps hot pot... but i'm not sure if that's something entirely differnt. =P anyways... for people who don't know what that is it's... this amazing invention where there's this like electric pot in the middle filled with boiling water and all these raw meats and stuff ... and everyone has this metal scoopy thingy where you stick the food in and then dip into the boiling water to cook. and then you dump it in your bowl which is filled with a mixture of sauces like... soy sauce and sesame something... and yeah... oh my goodness SO GOOD LA!!! i love being chinese. *^_^*


was talking about diana krall to gen today and... okay seriously, don't u ppl think she sounds just like a man?? ... seriously i heard her song and i didn't know it was by her i thought it was by a GUY. so when i saw her in matt's "in rotation" stuff and downloaded "The Look of Love" and heard it ... i was like "WHAT??!??!?!?!" ... cuz i didn't know it was the same song since she really does *appear* to be female... lol that was so mean... sorry to diana krall fans =P

it's a non-titled blog! =) wait... or should it be untitled. yes. untitled it is. welll... it's saturday already... saturday night that is... technically one minute into sunday morning. which means there is one more day left of the weekend and then it's back to school again. heh, who am i to complain? at least i don't have finals unlike many. =P but yet i can't seem to want to complain about school all the time... i can't WAIT until after friday and then..... NO SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEkS!!!!! =) and guessss what i'm doing for those two weeks? jsut guess... that's right... NOTHING. absolutely NOTHING. welllll... i'm gonna do lots of stuff but academically? nope not a thing. i will do no homework or studying of any type. there is absolutely NO way. not that i need to beceause i have only one midterm in january. *basking in the thought of two weeks of relaxation*


drumming for worship tommorow... welll... today... i havent' drummed for so so long. and i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. aiiiii i miss alexis!!!!!! but shmeh. i'm not out to impress anyone but God anyways so =) it'll be fun i hope =) i found myself wishing today that i could play saxaphone again... in grades 7 and 8 i played alto saxaphone for band actually although i am *not* a band geek (and this one time at band camp... =P ) i won the music award in grade eight hahaha and yeah. anyways. so i could play pretty well compared to some of the other ppl in my class and i liked it.. i *love* the sound of the alto sax ... we always got really nice parts of the song tooo... never like the same note over and over or anything... anyways. i miss it... miss jazzing up the room with my alto sax. yeah.. Praylude was rehearsing for our christmas thingy today... parts of it made me really pissed off... like the fact that this one person just *had* to play the lead role but since i got no help in writing it when i toldher i put her in the lead she was like "oh GOOD. i thought you wouldn't put me in it" and then today she was so extremely effortless in the part. okay i'm not the most avid playwrite but come *on*. why doesn't she just do it herself for goodness sake. but dora and jo and tiff helped to lighten the mood much =) thanks girls =) dora and jo by immitating shakira and singing opera and Only Hope[dramatically of course], and tiff by being all giggly and talking about boys =) haha boys always lighten things up ^_~ *grin*


word of the day: unpalatable
oh also... i miss art. i shouldn't have dropped art... *sigh* just one of those "i miss art moments".

i think...
i think i don't think fast enuff. haha... ahhhhh... okay. well somethign gy said to me today about being thankful for friends gave me this idea of starting this new blog all about all the ppl i appreciate and so i'm all like gung ho to do it and then i come upstairs and i'm like well i'll just read some blogs first so i'm all reading and then i get to erica's blog and lo and behold she just started a blog all about the ppl she appreciates HAHA... ahhh well it was her idea first =) so i will just have to write about ppl i appreciate right here. =)

there's been alot on my mind lately. "take a trip in the mind of a princess" heh well if you *were* to take a trip in there right now... what would you see... ladies and gentlemen please keep your arms and legs inside at all times .... bumpy ride ahead. well to your right here is what we like to call a "front". this is useful for reminding jasmine to keep a smile on her face and hold her head up when she walks instead of looking at her shoes. it is programmed to absorb some of the words that may try to slip past her head and out through her mouth but is only succeeding in catching some of them... repairs are currently being made as well as upgrades such as letting the "front" fall in front of the eyes so others can't see the feelings in them. and... oh i'm sorry. that is the end of the tour. the rest of the mind has been hit by a rather large storm and it is impossible for anyone to get through. thankyou that'll be twenty five cents please. ¬_¬ ... okay. the jist of it is... things are changing. and i dont' like it. if u kno me u kno i don't like change. change makes me spaz. =P but this change... *sigh* it's a direct hit on my pride. that's something else i've really realized. i have too much pride. i dunno... i have a question. is dignity and pride the same thing? ... just wondering. anyways.. it's just... been so crazy because i'm taking some of this really hard because of my immense pride and then i can't even talk about things to anyone ALSO because i am too proud to show others how proud i am. does that make any sense? like i know how bratty i am being yet i can't help how i feel so i try to hide my feelings as best i can so as not to let others know of how much of a brat i really am. for once i actuallyhaven't told anyone about my feelings... well that's not entirely true i guess. i've told like... three close friends bits of it. but none the whole thing and mostly i've just talked about vague vague feelings or small small details that contribute only slightly to the bigger picture. i've told God about it... but i am only praying for him to take these feelings away because... i just don't even feel justified in feeling them. ugh. i'm so frustrated... but something good came out of it. devotions haha... well... see a long time ago a close friend wrote me a letter and in it was this verse that Paul said that is *exactly* how i'm feeling right now. and funny but i remembered that verse so i took some time to flip flip flip and here it is:
"I do not understand what i do. For what i want to do i don not do, but what i hate i do. And if i do what i do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As is its, it is no longer i muself who do it but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that uis in my sinful nature. For i have the desire to do what is good but i cannot carry it out. " Romans 7:15-18
and...
"For in my inner being I delight in God's law but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work withing my members. What a wretched man am i! who will rescue me from this body of death. thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:22-25

i'm tired. but i'll just leave you with that. it was really encouraging to find that even paul struggled with the same thing. and God had a HUGE plan for him. i guess he maybe has a huge plan for me too =) aside: i love how paul is so real and genuine in his feelings. it makes him a much more interesting author/person

14 days untill christmas!!!! ^_^
wooooootttt!!!!
bhanu my cow does NOT have FOUR EYES! =P

amusing things today:
- mr. westoby signed my guestbook... and dora's but he signed for me in dora's and for dora in mine =) ahhh he is funnnnyyy
- *lines* of stationary hahahaa....

horrible no good very bad day


see: friends falling apart, things i once had slipping out of my grasp, hurting eyes,


hear:more and more and more bad news, my mere presence causing my friend sadness..., goodbye.


feel: broken hearted, tension you could cut through, tears flowing. ---numb---


taste: bitter words being hurled from my mouth, more "cussing", "clean and unclean water flowing from the same stream" >_<


smell: hatred, betrayal, sadness, more to come...


wish: to disappear, yet i have already become invisible.


i just want everyone to be happy...

oohhhh!!!!

i forgot to mention remember the other day ... on the third i was writing about this girl who wasn't a christian etcetc who i was praying for and wanted to reach or whatever? well she hasn't been to our church for a while but she came today and i was like SO psyched! ^_^ actually she came becuase her grandmother got baptised!!!!!!! which is SO COOL!! i mean, it's not *her* getting baptised but it's a huge step because... i guess... if her grandmother makes that type of a decision in spite of the pressure from her family... so can my friend. and yeah. i just wanted to share that cuz it was just really encouraging.

old?

haha i was reading Ivan's blog and i jsut wanted to say.... half of the stuff that makes him old also applies to me =) muahaha i'm old too heeeeee no ... but for *me* these are reasons why i've been in waterloo TOO LONG. but i still love it... most of the time =) here's what we having in common:
- you have to tell people that Wayne Pau DOES play drums and not just guitar
- you remember Erbsville Rd. used to be a dirt road with no houses west of it and you keep telling froshes and second years in the car that story over and over again
- oh and you also tell them that the Sobey's plaza (Columbia/Fischer-Hallman) wasn't there two years ago
- people say "Who's Dylan?"
- everyone knew Sandra
- English service at KWCAC was held downstairs [also, it used to be held in rms 5 and 6 with only a piano and a singer for worship]
- [ccf] actually had an CCF overhead guy named "alan liu"
- alexis a.k.a Britney is now in 3rd year

and here's some of my own .. [ahem] You know you've been in Waterloo too long when:
-all of the above
-longlonglong time ago grads come up to you and say "YOU'RE JASMINE?? i remember when you were *this* big and ......"
-you have pictures of yourself with Carey Wan only you're three and he still looks the exact same as he does now..
-you remember when there was no Food Basics, there was Superfresh.
-one of your best friends is now a frosh.
-oh wait did i mention some of the froshies are only 2 yrs older than me? as apposed to some of the grads i know who are 12 years older O_o ... oh my goodness.
-pastor tim used to be just tim. and you were here for his uhhhh pastorization? ... and remember all these parents going "you have to call him PASTOR tim now!! not just tim!" muahahaha i never converted fully =P ... rebelrebel lol
-you remember when at KWCAC rooms five and six didnt' used to be there, and neither did that back of the sanctuary where the english congregation sits during joint services... you also "contributed" in the building of these rooms by throwing little rocks inside the windows that were then holes...
and there's more... but it's gonna take up too much space so meh. wow man. but i still love this place. how crazy is it that in less than 2 years i'll be a frosh??? yo man lil jasmine who used to sit in the back of the basement english kwcac services and make fun of so and so being couples and stuff ... (ok i sort of still do that but not like i used to... i mean, i used to allllways make fun of jeremy tao (remember him?) and sandra being a couple and then i called shabba the other woman... man oh man.) but yeah... so crazy!!

there was baptism at kwcac today... Congrats to Ray and ummm Iris' mom =P on getting baptised!! ^_^ and also, congrats to Bun and AneeeetA for transferring membership muahahahaha ur one of us now ^_^ teeee* went out for lunch with tiff's family, my family, jo w, jo k, and emzie at sic duc hay... ok. i'd have to say that was *quite* a humiliating experience... i was introducing jo (siah) to my parents and they're like "oh hi" and tiff's mom is like "OHHHH!!! THAT"S THEIR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!!!!" o_O and i'm like "cha this is my *FRIEND* josiah." =P blech. and tiff's dad was like "oh it must take a lot to "take care" of these kids" and i'm just like beside josiah trying to hide under the table. geez man... i know he didn't mean anythign by it but come *on* take care? gosh we're not liek 5 years old and we don't run around screaming or anything. gargh. a bit frustrated. but it's ok. will deal will deal.
ooh! and also my aunt bought me things from hk including my personal fave.... a *sweetass* jean jacket that's furry on the inside and on the collar from ABERCROMBIE AnD FITCH!!! ^_^ woot! yeah.
ps. i'm gonna marry either shane west or milo v. (jess from gilmore girls)!! ^_^ yayayayayay *grin*

friends in high places...
Ladies and Gentlemen ... may i present... Mr. WALLACE WU (aka W^2) the VIOLINIST *not* violist. as The Record put it *tsktsk* i had to listen to this guy play for like 8(?) years, get it right!
*this* is my boy:

yeah... uhh the first pic is when he was 5... awwww isn't he so cuuuute? but he doesn't realllly look like that anymore although he still has the dimples. poke poke.[i have to reach up to poke now. O_o how sad] and the second is us having some freeeeezzziiiieee fun at 30hr famine yes i know i look awful but hey i just didn't eat for 30 hrs. that's what happens. yeah.. so wallace started playing the violin umm... maybe when i was 8 and he was 7? i think but i'm not positively sure. ANYHOO... this stupid boy used to force me to listen to him practice O_o and listen to violin tapes in the car and when we were at his house he'd either play for me or show me his violin stuff or... zzzzzz and i started to miss playing Lego =P yeah i've never really been a classical music fan.. but now that the kid doesn't squeak when he plays and he's in ARCT(mad mad MAD skillz) and he won some crazy competition it says in the article... he's realllly good and i enjoy the sound of the violin. sounds great in worship too ... i still don't think i could sit through a whole song of his though especially since they're like what 10 min long or something. *and* he has become not a violin geek anymore just madly madly talented. so go check that record link out and maybe u could even go to his special feature concert and go support my bestest boy =)

the future... pshaw.*what* future?


"i still find need to pray... sometimes i get tired walking through these ordinary days. if nothing else i get to see you even if we never speak all the words sometimes we don't quite know what they really mean. i dont' know where i dont' know how i dont' know why but Your love can make these things better." jars of clay~ i am SO SICK of this. i am sick and tired of not knowing what i want to do with my life. i'm sick of feeling all this pressure to know.. to do well in school... to whatever. it's like i'm in some kind of glass jar and these giant people are observing and analyzing me. my parents went to Parent Teacher Night today... basically it's not really interviews you just walk around and talk to all the teachers you feel like talking to or whatever i guess. no... my teachers didn't go balistic about how much they hate me. in fact they said mostly good things. so you must be wondering.."what the heck is wrong then?" well what's wrong is that apparently it's still not good enough because i'm not sure what i want to do with my life. hell i'm sixteen years old since when did sixteen year olds have to decide what they wanted to do for the rest of their entire lives. i know this is so contradictory to what i normally say abotu how not to treat me like some retard because i'm young. but i'm just so stressed. i'm sure many 16 yr olds are quite capable of knowing what they want with their lives. but not me. perhaps i'm just stupid. PERHAPS?? no. i AM. i know i am. the marks... fine. whatever... they're ok. i can improve and i WILL. i DON'T need to stop doing stuff on the weekend to do so. i don't. i have it under control. you know what's sad? the things i do on the weekend are normally church related. not that church is sad or whatever i love it. but it's not like i'm partying all the time or anything. gosh. i'm such a geek compared to most of my friends.... but yet... i dunno. anyway that's not my concern. i'm not worried about my marks because i know that i can pull them out without having to stop doing stuff on the weekends. i know how to balance it out without stopping doing the things i love most. but what i *am* worried about is the fact that i dont' know what to do!!!!! ok. the guidance counselor supposedly said if i dont' know what i want to do by Feb. 2003 i should definitely take five years instead of four. ok there is NO WAY i am taking 5 years. you know they shouldn't tell people that because it tempts me to hastily pick something stupid to take so i can get out in 4 years. gosh people this is a girl's life you have in your hands. my LIFE. something i do for the REST OF MY LIFE. and i am not stupid. i'm not. i've always been an enrichment kid up til grade nine people used to ask me for help argh... memories of the smart days... sorry. i'm just so frustrated. ugh i have a headache. so... i have two requests. 1. stop bugging me stop pressuring me stop talking to me about school. just NEVER mention school in my presence again. ok. well not never but as little as possible. i am handling it and i am taking my future into my own hands.i'll do what is neccessary on my own schedule. [btw if this does not apply to you don't feel like i'm accusing eveyrone of doing that. i'm not.]
2. please pray for me. thanks =)

oh and also... if you can be of any academic assistance please feel free to contact me hahaha... =P bah.

helpless


i heave a sigh as i hold my head in my hands. argh. i wish i read the bible more. it's just been so weird these past few days... last night someone who was a really good friend of mine was talkign to me about their life. i guess... well this person's being going through a difficult time and stuff and i was prepared for the bitterness and sadness about it all but i wasn't prepared to hear one thing. my friend told me that they aren't a christian anymore. this is on icq so like i read the msg and just sit there for prolly ten seconds totally stunned. you see.. not only do i care alot about this friend and love them so much and want them to be happy and everything... but this friend was also at a point in my life somewhat of a spiritual role model. it made me recall this girl i once knew when i was like 10.. i looked up to her so so so much and thot that is *exactly* what i wanna be like when i grow up. she was pretty and cool and smart... she cared about me.. and she was what seemed to me a devoted and spiritually mature christian. but then when i was like 13 i found out she became a mormon which she tried to sort of hide by writing in her letter that she'd "switched churches" i can't tell you how much that devastated me. i was so angry for a bit abotu how she could just lie like that or how i'd looked up to her for so long and she just.... and then i just cried, cried for my friend cuz i loved her and couldn't believe that she wouldn't be going to heaven. but it scared me that she used to be a role model to me. anyways. my friend i was talkign to last night didn't become a mormon. i guess he didn't even fully become a non christian but he does't want to be one. or he says he's not but he still believes in God... but he would rather burn in hell then live in heaven with the people who hurt him so bad and call themselves christians. i can't say all of these people who hurt him are completely wrong because there are two sides to every story and i know parts of both. and i can't say that it is justified that he bases his faith upon the actions of others. it's not. but gosh it makes me really think abotu the way i act. becuase i know that one thing i do could make someone lose everything and reject the one good thing in their lives which is Jesus. so crazy... doesn't it scare you to know you have potential power like that? anyhoo... i was praying and praying and just asking God to give me the words... i said some stuff but i think... that my friend just wants love. at least that's what i interpreted from what he was saying.
next thing is that this girl... i guess she's my friend although i dont' know her very well... called me tonight. i was really surprised that she did cuz she's never called me b4 and it's always been me calling her to tell her to come to Praylude or church or stuff... she comes to our church sometimes but she isn't a Christian... actually she's part Buddhist part Catholic... due to the fact that her family fluctuates in their choice of religion and she goes to a catholic school. so we ended up having this discussion about choice of religion and what she believes and how she feels all this pressure cuz she's not totally sure of what she "is" persay. and it was just so weird cuz i always want the opportunity to witness to this girl without having to seem like i'm pressuring her to become a christian. and so God just sets it into my hands... i mean *she* called *me* cuz she wanted to *talk* and she talked about this and stuff. and... i was praying for guidance but i wasn't sure of what to say and ... well... i'm not sure if anything i said made much sense to her. ugh. i feel like i'm walking in circles i'm so frustrated with myself. if God gives me opportunities like this i should be prepared to use them as greatly as i can toward his glory. gosh. i'm sorry Lord...

-_-
*breathe in*
*breath out*
can't *wait* til christmas vacation =)

scrubscrub
guess what?! i finally washed my cow today =D HEEEEEE so clean and fluffy and you can see his COLOURS better ^_^
birthdays---present and past(oops)

umumum.... ok let's seee...
the 25th: happy 12th bday belita!!! :)
the 27th: happy birfday to superman!! (aka jeremy) check ur msgs on ur voicemail =P
the 28th: happy bday to tangy zip of miracle whip! (aka pat tang :))
TODAY: happy bday to ivan! =) heee


concept
they had this one red hot chilli peppers song umm ...Under the Bridge i think and my friend brandon was singing it and it was sooooo cool they had him walk down the isle with a spotlight of white light reflecting off his white white shirt and he's a cutie too combined with his amazing voice brandon looked like an angel (sounded like one too) wowwww... *full body goose bumps* that was my fave i think. plus justin with his mad violin skills completely sucked the breath out of me again! *full body goose bumps again* oh my goodness this boy is too talented whenever he plays violin or piano i just get so mesmerized... i rememebr when i was in grade 5 i used to like him HAHAH yeah justin =P but he already knew that. and the reason is largely because when i was at his house he was playing "Somewhere Out there" from Fivel Goes West on the piano and it was SO GOOD ahhhhh mad skillz mad skillz... plus robyn did a solo in one of the songs and it was SOOO good!!! yay i've never heard her really sing b4.. wow. and i liked this one song that Marley Otto sang (she is sooooo amazing) i dont' know her personally but she looks just like christina ricci no jokes! anyhoo, concept was great the skits were so funny too... hahaha paul botros in a speedo eeeewwww haha but it was funny =) after the show dora and i went to go get BBT but sweet dreams was packed so we went to mel's instead for milkshakes and dawn and joseph and elaine and uhh a bunch of ppl were there i guess having a snack after ccf and sitting at the table right next to them was robyn and sabs and all the director producer pplz from concept hee so i was like "hi!" .... "oh hi!" haha two big groups of ppl and then just me and dora... ahhh and then she went to the bathroom and it sorta looked like i went by myself (haha) so i was like rummaging through my back trying to look preoccupied hahahaha...

piano
i think i've been hanging around GY too much lately because i just played like an hour straight of piano hahaha twas fun actually.. i quit piano in april but yeah... was just havin fun banging out notes and playing my dad's chinese songs and stuff... actually i was playing from the book that Wings of the Dawn is in (the song mccf sang for lifesong) and yeah did i mention i got addicted to that song? cuz my parents have the cd and #14 is that song sung by this guy that has a NICE NICE voice and wow... i wish i could sing it with him but i can't cuz i speak ZERO mandarin. blah someone teach me mandarin!! i'm gonna go ask gen now to teach me how to speak mandarin or sing the song at least hahaha lateerrrrz..

concept

was awesome!!! =) ... awwww... i miss concept!!!!!! almost wish i didn't quit... but not quite... =P
mel's is a coooooooool place =) yummmmiiiieee milkshakes..
i'm so tired and out of it i'll blog more about it tommorow but.. yeah... shouts to erin, em, tara, robyn, amalia, brandon, brian, jasonsensation, just, esther, sabs, tami, and everyone else.. YOU GUYS WERE AMAZING =) sorry i'm not forgetting about you just tiiirrrreeeddd... ahhhhh sleep is much needed. nites nites ~*~*~*~*

apologies...


it seems as if i have been apologizing a lot on my blog lately as i mentioned to a friend earlier this evening... perhaps it is because when i write here alot of the times i'm in emotional extremes... if u know me, you know i'm *such* a drama queen... and tend to exaggerate and tend to say stuff i dont meant when i'm mad and... yeah. i dont' think that's going to change. this is my "rant centre" the place where i can spill out my feelings and be heard without being heard... i don;t know if that makes sense...
i just re-read my blog about the invisible list person... ouch. wow. humhumhum how do i begin... i know this is going to lose me respect but i deserve it a lot. i was wrong. when i said i was sure about the invisible list thing i was wrong. well i didn't lie but i thought i was right when i wasn't. basically, i trusted icq over my friend and that was so so wrong of me. and all through that blog i was ranting on about how much i didnt' like that person and how much that person was a horrible friend when really it was me being the horrible friend the whole time. i should have asked them right off the bat but i didn't. i did try to talk to them on monday tuesday and wednesday without success... i didn't wait all the way until today... but i "found out" last thursday night and didn't try to talk to them until monday. i should have clearified it right away but yet again my pride and my anger got in the way of reasonable thinking. i managed to get in touch with the person tonight and talk it out. i can't even begin to explain what a huge relief it was to do that... just because i guess i've missed this person so much. (ahhhh so corny...) but yeah... it was just good to be able to sort of talk in an unburdened manner after what seems like so long to me. agh enuff about that.. what i am trying to say is not to the general public i guess i dont' need to apologize to the blogging community about this except for if i freaked you guys out a lot haha sorry =P but to my friend whom i falsely accused of doing stuff i am SOOOOOOOO SORRRRRYY!!!!! honestly i know i said this already so many times but gosh i'm so so so so so so so so sorry and if i could fillup this page with sorry's i would except that would not be very productive or anything... i could just write why i'm sorry and that would be prolly more better ahhh ok... you've been such an amazing friend to me for whatever period of time i've actually talked to you and it's weird cuz even though i trust you completely with all these things i so quickly doubted you because of the stupidness of icq without bothering to ask you (for so long) whether or not it was actually true. and that's so wrong of me and i'm sorry. and then you go and be all crazy understanding about everything and man i just .... i dunno what to say all i can say is i'm sorry for being such a crappy friend and writing all this crap about you that wasn't even true becuase none of it actually even happened really.. *i'm* the one who's immature and *i'm* the one who's "the lowly creatures that feed on the scum of the dirtiest pond water" =P omg i feel awful i even considered deleting icq from my computer but decided that was just too impossible for me to part with HAHA =P bah. gosh... i've jsut been such a bum this past month and a bit... i guess it's just cuz i just miss things like before but that is totally not your fault and i really need to grow up. ha i can't believe i said that now "guest" can come back and be like MUAHAHAHA you agreed with me hahahaha... but i guess they are right in a way i just didn't enjoy the manner in which they stated their thoughts. anyways... i digress too much... i wish i could make a more elaborate apology but just picture me on my knees with a puppydog face ok? =P luv ya so much =)
kk... i gotta go sleep becuase i have school tommorow... nites
ps. concept tommorow nite! :)

Enneagrams

i was gonna take a little break from blogging after tuesday.... but why should i? :P
not a long post tho.. maybe later... went to angee's blog and then to take the emode test!! =) YAY for EMODE =D anyhoo... here it is:

Jasmine, you're a Type 4 - The Expressive

Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.

blogging in the WCI library again...
"... and does not eat the bread of idleness"
*munch munch* ...


quarters...
quarters are good for calling ppl when you're skipping study to go volunteer but you actually don't have to go take the bus for another hour you just want to skip study cuz it's a pointless thing that they instill upon students cuz school is a form of prison. =P talked to jane for a bit hehe she's funny =)


glasses
i thought i just saw waiki walk into the library.
the guy comes about two metres away and i finally realize it's not waiki. not even close... the guy is cocasian (how the heck do you spell that? i was gonna put cockasian but cock + asian just didn't seem right... ) and he has no glasses and he has a flowered pattern on his jacket O_o. the only resemblance he bears to waiki is his haircut and the fact that his jacket is red. i need contacts or to put on my glasses but i have a headache so no. contacts!!!! i want contacts for christmas. ahhh sweet i jsut thot of what to ask for from my parents. here's my christmas wish list for my parents as of right now (not alllll these things i'm not that greedy):
* contacts
* new computer
*cell phone
*drum set
*the basement
*guitar
yeah... anyhoo, i think i should actually go catch the bus now... notice the cheerfulness in my voice? umm words? =) yayyayay back in a happy mood =) cuz i'm still on the honor roll!! ^_^ yay no devry for me =D ~*~ that is if i pass my math test tommorow *sigh* ... SEEYAZ =)

letter to my Heavenly Father
Dear God...
grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change...
oh but i just can't understand WHY!!... i'm sorry. you said "My command is this... love one another as i have loved you"
i *know* that ... i do ... then why does this hurt so much Lord? WHY is it that no matter how hard i try.... i still end up crying... screaming... spewing out words of impecable hatred... i just....
Betrayal. the very word sets off the situation in my mind and i cringe as the image of the person i thought was my friend stabbing me in the gut races throught my head and the tears fill my eyes again oh Lord there are so many tears.
i think of you Jesus.. You know betrayal. Two of your "best friends" betrayed and abandoned you in your darkest hour here Lord you understand like no one else could... and yet you cried out "Father forgive them for they know not what they do... " teach me oh Lord.. i want to walk in your truth.. give me an undivided heart.. i need you so much...
i think ineed to talk to the person and then i need to let go. but Jesus ... right now... could you just hold me... please.

love is what counts

do you ever have those weeks where a lot of annoying things are said and done to you or around you? well this happens to be one of those weeks for me. the other day, I heard from a friend that some certain people were talking about relationships...specifically romantic. somehow the situation of a 16-year-old dating a 21-year-old was brought up. and somehow during this conversation it was decided that such a relationship would not be able to function properly or last. i cannot even begin to express how absurd this idea is. first off, why would ppl even bother to talk about such a trivial topic?? why is it any of their business whether or not a sixteen year old dates a 21 year old or not? it really is their own choice of whether they choose to be in a relationship with whoever...the person they are interested in...and i don't think they should be subject to criticism from people who do not understand the feelings involving the relationship...puppy love, or perhaps even true love...and the basis in which their relationship rests. do ppl go up to 24 year olds who are dating 29 year olds and question the legitimacy of their relationship? no. and if so, the causes of their inquiry would most likely not concern age...and if it does, i suppose it might be because these ppl, along with the ppl who criticize the 16 year olds, have rods (with shards or SHRANDS) stuck up their ass and seeing other ppl happy just twists the rod and cuts the inside of their colon. well, let me twist your stick another way...i think you are full of crap and that you should go and find a gf or find a relationship...either that or just be content with whateer you have and don't go butting into other ppl's business. 16 year olds have more capability than you will ever know...age is not a factor in love. perhaps it may be a little more difficult for this relationship to work because a 16 year old does not know where they plan on going. this however, is something that can be easily worked around. the exact same problem will occur with dating university students and even married couples. don't give me that bull about how high school students don't KNOW about themselves or haven't disCOVERED themselves yet...some high school students have lived more than you ever will.

the cute virginity blog has been postponed until tommorow. tonight i have urgent ranting business to do in order to control myself from exploding in person. *supresss anngerrr... beee hummbbbllllleeee* it is SO SO HARD. gosh you have no idea. i suppose it is ok to feel stuff tho if i dont' react in an extremely negative manner... so i'm gonna try to let out all the negative energy here...


first off let me begin by saying how incredibly lucky i am to have a friend like Jesus. [ok it sounds like i'm accepting an oscar] btu seriously... friends come and go but He is always loving me.. always with me. i do value friends very highly though... perhaps too highly. at cell on saturday someone ... i think euming... said that girls can be so manipulative . let me tell you how true that is. ok. well... icq. you know how there is that neat little feature on icq called the "invisible list" in which you can place the icq numbers of the ppl you dont' want to talk to so that they can never see you online? well well well... this is something i use very rarely but when i do it's to block ppl that i dont' know who keep bugging me with sexual remarks or something. it is an INSULT to put someone on your invisible list. or for me anyways. and it's an insult to be on someone else's. gosh gosh gosh.... maybe i'm reacting to this so greatly because i dont'think i've ever been put on anyone's invisible list before... well before now. i think my number one pet peeve is to be ignored. ignoring someone... i find, is the LOWEST form of anger. the scum of all ways in which to deal with conflict. what? so you can't face up to me? you can't fight it out or make some sort of effort to resolve your grievances against me? what the hell. even when i'm completely pissed off i still at least respond to ppl and whatever and not go IGNORING them or putting them on my INVISIBLE list! gosh ppl would have to do something pretty dang mean to me in order for me to do something so drastic as to stick them on that list. well today i found out [don't ask me how... i have my ways... and yes i know for sure] that someone whom i *thought* was my "friend" [i scoff at the thought of that crap. this person to me now is nothign but the the lowly creatures that feed on the scum of the dirtiest pond water... ok. yes.. ] placed me on their invisible list. first off what an IMMATURE thing to do. yeah ok you call ME immature? right. whatever who's immature now? you arent' even mature enough to come up to me and tell me you dont' want to talk to me anymore. in fact in person you act almost completely normal but yeah that's right i can tell things are different even though you pretend not to be mad. gosh yo that was a month ago that all that crap happened and you're still pissed about that ?? why dont' you just go get a life honestly. and dont' tell me your'e not mad if you are. i don't care if you are or if you dont' want to talk to me! i do care however about the manner in which you deliver it. gosh dont' freakin lie about it and don't put me on your invisible list on icq. tell the truth and TELL ME if you dont' want to talk to me and i will deal. it is always your choice. not that i did anything but hey whatever. as long as i know and your'e not going on letting me think that we're friends but really we're not. you don't know... you can't possibly know how that feels... it really really hurts. i don't think you'll ever know about this. i dont' think you read my blog and i am never going to call you or email you or any means of communication. in person trust that i will do as you have done and act as if nothing has changed but inside, i'll dislike you more than you will ever know. and you definitely will not find out on icq because i have returned your favour.

amused
people say funny things...
dora: so how are we gonna get in to Jackass... ahhh! why is it rated R???
me: yeah i kno it's so stupid... and everyone is too busy to take us =P
jo: mmhmm
dora: well... we could *pretend* we didn't know it was rated R and see if they let us in....
me: hmm that could work...
kat:b b b but.....
jo: but what?
kat: but what if we get *ARRESTED*????
[hahahaha.... we never saw jackass =(]

today: "I don't disclose my *cycle*" [who said this is not to be disclosed either] HAHAHAHAHAHA


not amused
apparently i'm *cute* because i'm a virgin. explain tommorow. gnite

lazy
guess what? i get off school at 9:32 tommorow =D woot! this is somewhatly better than a pd day because i'll already be near like plaza and stuff so i don't need to walk down there to do stuff HAHA =P


beginnings
it's beginning.... the Christmas season... the time of year when the gently falling snow tickles your eyelashes for the first time in a long while and somehow your memory causes you to be giddy with the pleasant memories of winter. the memories of the murky slush, bitter cold and horrible traffic are neglected as i purposely place my new skechers into the crisp snow to savour the crunch sound that i know will follow. and accompanied with each crunch are images of smiling family and friends, lights, pine trees, and lots and lots of food. =) MUAHAHA i like food.;) and with all these simple traditions is the overall POINT of Christmas which is celebrating God's love in the gift of Jesus =) it's great... christmas reminds me of God's love in so many ways JESUS, the love that He shows us by placing people in our lives that love us, the beauty of everything around us.... *fuzzyfeeling*
hey check this, a *normal* picture (somewhat) of me and tiff on sunday ~ prettteeee snow!!!!


torn
you know what's frustrating? being torn between friends.... or rather, just having friends not like eachother.... i feel so bad. i dont' want to be disloyal to anyone. gosh. this is happening in more than one case ... BAH.....