WE WON WCSSAA SEMI FINALS!!!!!!!! =D
[jumping up and down]
wow girls that was AWESOME =) we DEFINITELY f*cked them up! =)
muahahahahahaha
and now for finals on tuesday... =)
we've got some ass kicking to do =)
Friday, May 16, 2003
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
blogging in the library again...
tara is madly finishing her essay...
and me? i'm escaping my ever pointless english class...
that baptism blog is still coming if anyone is actually still interested after an entire month.
but yeah.. i semi forgot until i read alan's comment in the gbookie..
and wow. i have to write abotu this.
"I've heard that the hardest time for Christians is in the weeks after their Baptism. So much prayer and preparation and then that
public testimony. Oh, how Satan abhors public testimony. The attack on our lives increases in some waning attempt to say, "You
stand up for Him but I can break you - where is your God?" But make no mistake. Amidst the disappointment of self and others...
Jesus Christ is still there. Patient. Strong. Still. Small. Voice. "
it';s weird. well not weird... more like... perfect. that right when i was at a huge point of self loathing i read that and ...
yeah see, these few weeks... well this month.. has been very challenging to say the least. i mean, i made a promise to God and myself that i was gonna work really hard to display His love in my life. but i couldn't understand because it seemed like there were more temptations then ever and at first i was okay but then they just kept coming and coming and i found myself failing in every way possible. and all i wanted to do was give up. because no matter how hard i seemed to be trying, i was still constantly disappointing myself and others. well.. i should say i AM still disappointing myself and others. cuz it is still kind of continuing. but i'm more braced for it now. because i acknowledge the fact that it's happening and have given it up to God. before.. well i thought it was just me.. id din't want to admit it because ... well i was just too proud. and i was thinking "gosh girl, you just got baptised and now you can't do anything right anymore. that can't possibly be normal." so i guess i tried to decieve myself mostly and pretend nothing was happening. but at least now i know i'm not some kind of crazy freak =) and i can just keep praying and not giving up =) so thanks alan cuz that was superb timing.
ps. HEIDI"S IN AUSSIEE!!!!!! =)
tara is madly finishing her essay...
and me? i'm escaping my ever pointless english class...
that baptism blog is still coming if anyone is actually still interested after an entire month.
but yeah.. i semi forgot until i read alan's comment in the gbookie..
and wow. i have to write abotu this.
"I've heard that the hardest time for Christians is in the weeks after their Baptism. So much prayer and preparation and then that
public testimony. Oh, how Satan abhors public testimony. The attack on our lives increases in some waning attempt to say, "You
stand up for Him but I can break you - where is your God?" But make no mistake. Amidst the disappointment of self and others...
Jesus Christ is still there. Patient. Strong. Still. Small. Voice. "
it';s weird. well not weird... more like... perfect. that right when i was at a huge point of self loathing i read that and ...
yeah see, these few weeks... well this month.. has been very challenging to say the least. i mean, i made a promise to God and myself that i was gonna work really hard to display His love in my life. but i couldn't understand because it seemed like there were more temptations then ever and at first i was okay but then they just kept coming and coming and i found myself failing in every way possible. and all i wanted to do was give up. because no matter how hard i seemed to be trying, i was still constantly disappointing myself and others. well.. i should say i AM still disappointing myself and others. cuz it is still kind of continuing. but i'm more braced for it now. because i acknowledge the fact that it's happening and have given it up to God. before.. well i thought it was just me.. id din't want to admit it because ... well i was just too proud. and i was thinking "gosh girl, you just got baptised and now you can't do anything right anymore. that can't possibly be normal." so i guess i tried to decieve myself mostly and pretend nothing was happening. but at least now i know i'm not some kind of crazy freak =) and i can just keep praying and not giving up =) so thanks alan cuz that was superb timing.
ps. HEIDI"S IN AUSSIEE!!!!!! =)
Friday, May 09, 2003
when the grinch stole summer holidays
study is cancelled once again and i, being too lazy to walk down to the 12 am sitting in the library again...
i went to guidance and picked up a summer school form ... gosh. the sufferings a girl's got to go through just to do highschool in 4 years. first off.
summer school starts at 8:30 am and goes until 3:00 !!!!! that's later than normal school. ok by five minutes but STILL. and PLUS... lunch which is termed the "nutrition break" is only half an hour long. how does one have lunch in half an hour?! i definitely need more than half an hour for lunch. geez. it's like they assume that people who take summer school are a bunch of people who dont' do anything or go to class during the year or something. HELLO. wronnnnng. geez man, have a little respect for my needs =P . although they should respect everyone's needs no matter what anyways. they get paid for this we don't. gah. i need more than half an hour to eat. >_< there's not even food allowed in class! is this a jail or something? i eat in class all the time in NORMAL school. we are not freaking juvenile delinquents. hmph. wanna hear the rest of these illogical rules?
ahem here goes.
i'll start with the food one:
food: food is allowed only in the cafetorium. [cafetorium?? O_o] please place gabage in conainers and/or in recycling bins. Bluevale: the front of the school is out of bounds during the nutrition breaks. [yeah. bluevale just so happens to be the one i'm going to]
also very ridiculous...
attendance: students must bring a note accounting for every absence. This note should be signed by a parent or guardian and should be given to your classroom teacher. After 2 absences [TWO!!!] further absence reluts in removal. Two lates equal one absence [ O_o what the hell? so if ur late like 2 minutes twice that equals 13 hours of not being there?!? is that reasonable?! i think not.]
i enjoyed this part of "dress" though:
"shoes are required" hehe
anyways. i just feltlike spazzing out a bit about it. since i can't believe i'm stuck doing this for the whole month of july. GAHHHH. ahh wellz at least dora and jo will be there to suffer with me.
oh also i just realized something else: being cooped up in a school for 6.5 hours = NO TAN!
woe is me. =P
study is cancelled once again and i, being too lazy to walk down to the 12 am sitting in the library again...
i went to guidance and picked up a summer school form ... gosh. the sufferings a girl's got to go through just to do highschool in 4 years. first off.
summer school starts at 8:30 am and goes until 3:00 !!!!! that's later than normal school. ok by five minutes but STILL. and PLUS... lunch which is termed the "nutrition break" is only half an hour long. how does one have lunch in half an hour?! i definitely need more than half an hour for lunch. geez. it's like they assume that people who take summer school are a bunch of people who dont' do anything or go to class during the year or something. HELLO. wronnnnng. geez man, have a little respect for my needs =P . although they should respect everyone's needs no matter what anyways. they get paid for this we don't. gah. i need more than half an hour to eat. >_< there's not even food allowed in class! is this a jail or something? i eat in class all the time in NORMAL school. we are not freaking juvenile delinquents. hmph. wanna hear the rest of these illogical rules?
ahem here goes.
i'll start with the food one:
food: food is allowed only in the cafetorium. [cafetorium?? O_o] please place gabage in conainers and/or in recycling bins. Bluevale: the front of the school is out of bounds during the nutrition breaks. [yeah. bluevale just so happens to be the one i'm going to]
also very ridiculous...
attendance: students must bring a note accounting for every absence. This note should be signed by a parent or guardian and should be given to your classroom teacher. After 2 absences [TWO!!!] further absence reluts in removal. Two lates equal one absence [ O_o what the hell? so if ur late like 2 minutes twice that equals 13 hours of not being there?!? is that reasonable?! i think not.]
i enjoyed this part of "dress" though:
"shoes are required" hehe
anyways. i just feltlike spazzing out a bit about it. since i can't believe i'm stuck doing this for the whole month of july. GAHHHH. ahh wellz at least dora and jo will be there to suffer with me.
oh also i just realized something else: being cooped up in a school for 6.5 hours = NO TAN!
woe is me. =P
Sunday, May 04, 2003
this has been somewhat of a disappointing week.
to top it all off ... i've been somewhat of a disappointment.
i dont' know how long i've been kicking myself becuase i can't do things right. and gosh. i screwed up pretty big..
i'm just so upset with myself because i've violated what is one of the most important things to me.. that being trust.
AHHH why am i such an idiot!?
i suppose i will just learn from the situation but... at the same time i can't stop being so angry with myself even if the other party is no longer upset with me. just cuz i really care abotu them... and i never mean to hurt anyone but i do. why must i be so incompetant? and why must my incompetance always hurt the ones i love most?
tried to take my mind off it but also wallow a bit in my misery... things i found most therapeutic:
- biking with di
- thick chocolate milkshake from st. cin's =) *drool*
- 3 Doors Down : Away from the Sun
- banging on the drums
- drumsticks at sobeys
- dixie chicks =) (thanks beata)
i'm so sorry...
to top it all off ... i've been somewhat of a disappointment.
i dont' know how long i've been kicking myself becuase i can't do things right. and gosh. i screwed up pretty big..
i'm just so upset with myself because i've violated what is one of the most important things to me.. that being trust.
AHHH why am i such an idiot!?
i suppose i will just learn from the situation but... at the same time i can't stop being so angry with myself even if the other party is no longer upset with me. just cuz i really care abotu them... and i never mean to hurt anyone but i do. why must i be so incompetant? and why must my incompetance always hurt the ones i love most?
tried to take my mind off it but also wallow a bit in my misery... things i found most therapeutic:
- biking with di
- thick chocolate milkshake from st. cin's =) *drool*
- 3 Doors Down : Away from the Sun
- banging on the drums
- drumsticks at sobeys
- dixie chicks =) (thanks beata)
i'm so sorry...
Sunday, April 27, 2003
what is the matter with me?
i feel like a mix of myself and this totally different person. a stranger i have never really encountered except maybe a few times in distant memories which i can not recall whether they were dreams or reality.
it's like... half of me is full of anger and swearing and bitterness. and accusations. the deep desire to break out and defy anyone who dares stand in the way of my happiness... and the vengeful attitude that propels me to blaming them for future tragedies i have predicted in my head.
and then the other half is glancing down at my w.w.j.d. bracelet that i *just* bought yesterday and thinking of the song that's been in my head this whole day
"I feel You near me
You sooth me when I'm weary
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed"
and wanting to keep my word to people that i am so angry at right now. and wanting to follow God's commandments. and wanting to accept things.
i dunno. i'm so torn up. i dont' know why i keep doing the "right" things when it woudl be so much simpler to do the "wrong" things. i guess i'm glad in a way.
but i still dont' understand why this situation had to occur in the first place. they didn't have a reason. eight months is a really long time.
they dont' understand. or care to understand.
whatever.
just gotta pray and pray and pray.
at least i got to vent.
i don't know.
so hard.
*sigh*
i feel like a mix of myself and this totally different person. a stranger i have never really encountered except maybe a few times in distant memories which i can not recall whether they were dreams or reality.
it's like... half of me is full of anger and swearing and bitterness. and accusations. the deep desire to break out and defy anyone who dares stand in the way of my happiness... and the vengeful attitude that propels me to blaming them for future tragedies i have predicted in my head.
and then the other half is glancing down at my w.w.j.d. bracelet that i *just* bought yesterday and thinking of the song that's been in my head this whole day
"I feel You near me
You sooth me when I'm weary
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed"
and wanting to keep my word to people that i am so angry at right now. and wanting to follow God's commandments. and wanting to accept things.
i dunno. i'm so torn up. i dont' know why i keep doing the "right" things when it woudl be so much simpler to do the "wrong" things. i guess i'm glad in a way.
but i still dont' understand why this situation had to occur in the first place. they didn't have a reason. eight months is a really long time.
they dont' understand. or care to understand.
whatever.
just gotta pray and pray and pray.
at least i got to vent.
i don't know.
so hard.
*sigh*
Friday, April 25, 2003
Sunday, April 20, 2003
Friday, April 18, 2003
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
ahhh the joys of study/spare period...
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
ahhh the joys of study/spare period...
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
ahhh the joys of study/spare period...
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
ahhh the joys of study/spare period...
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P
Sunday, April 13, 2003
[saturday, april 12]
so much to talk abotu... but i wanna make this quick...
i had my baptismal interview today...
all morning i was having like a nervous breakdown getting so freaked abotu what they were gonna ask me or if i was gonna say the wrong thing... ak! ... luckily God provided me with friends to help me "practice" and tell me there was nothing to worry about =) ... right before i got into pastor henry's office i was madly madly praying for God to provide me with the words to express what i knew i knew.. and He did =) because the interview went great =) i didn't even say anything retarded or ramble on for too long about nothing hehe =) and also, i have been praying about saying my testimony after the baptism on Friday... asking God that if it is His will to let it happen... and so yeah =) i get to share! =) which is really exciting... except that i have to say it in english *AnD* cantonese O_o... yes. my chinese sucks haha
anyways i just had to blog about that because i'm really excited and really thankful to God for always hearing my prayers =)...
yup that's my story...
so much to talk abotu... but i wanna make this quick...
i had my baptismal interview today...
all morning i was having like a nervous breakdown getting so freaked abotu what they were gonna ask me or if i was gonna say the wrong thing... ak! ... luckily God provided me with friends to help me "practice" and tell me there was nothing to worry about =) ... right before i got into pastor henry's office i was madly madly praying for God to provide me with the words to express what i knew i knew.. and He did =) because the interview went great =) i didn't even say anything retarded or ramble on for too long about nothing hehe =) and also, i have been praying about saying my testimony after the baptism on Friday... asking God that if it is His will to let it happen... and so yeah =) i get to share! =) which is really exciting... except that i have to say it in english *AnD* cantonese O_o... yes. my chinese sucks haha
anyways i just had to blog about that because i'm really excited and really thankful to God for always hearing my prayers =)...
yup that's my story...
Thursday, April 10, 2003
so it's 9:42 pm and i am 12 min. behind schedule!!!! lol
actually id ont' have a schedule =P
but ... i do have a rugby practice at 6:30 am tommorow.
it seems so .... unreal to me... but it will be real to me when i drag my limp body out of my warm bed tommorow morning at 5:45. and will also be real to me when i am running around at a time when i am not even concious.
gah!
anyways... we have a tournament on monday which is pretty exciting =)... i'm gonna take so many pictures since i'll mostly be sitting on the bench anyways HAHHA =)
going to bed now. don't laugh =P .. i was supposed to sleep 15 min ago =P nite
Sunday, April 06, 2003
it's a baby!... fish.
so my dad says he'll pick me up at 10:30... at 10:57 g and i are still sitting at st. cin's talking about whatnot and wondering where he is... so i call to see what has made ppl forget about me annnnnnddddd.....
[ring ring] irina: hello?
jasy:hi... is dad coming to get me?
irina: he was going to... but my fish just had babies
jasy: uhhh... oh.....
irina: yeah so he'll leave now.. as soon as we catch them all... bye
jasy: seeya...
[click]
g: did you call?
jasy: yeah.... i've been abandoned for baby fish
g: take pictures!!!
---------------------------------------
so here they are.... :
baby fishies huddled in a corner
baby fishies swimming around
the proud parents O_o... gosh this is sad.
lol eumie this is all your doing lol ...
um. yeah. gonna go sleep.... we lose an hour tonight! =P
so my dad says he'll pick me up at 10:30... at 10:57 g and i are still sitting at st. cin's talking about whatnot and wondering where he is... so i call to see what has made ppl forget about me annnnnnddddd.....
[ring ring] irina: hello?
jasy:hi... is dad coming to get me?
irina: he was going to... but my fish just had babies
jasy: uhhh... oh.....
irina: yeah so he'll leave now.. as soon as we catch them all... bye
jasy: seeya...
[click]
g: did you call?
jasy: yeah.... i've been abandoned for baby fish
g: take pictures!!!
---------------------------------------
so here they are.... :
baby fishies huddled in a corner
baby fishies swimming around
the proud parents O_o... gosh this is sad.
lol eumie this is all your doing lol ...
um. yeah. gonna go sleep.... we lose an hour tonight! =P
Friday, April 04, 2003
Thursday, April 03, 2003
me
who am i?
i'm a girl... who is confused. confused abotu what is right and wrong.
confused about what to do ... what to feel....
sometimes... i just think... if i disappeared, everythign would be better for everybody. and it's probably true since i seem to be the cause of all these problems...
if not for me... well... things would definitely be simpler.
i try. i really do. but... but somehow what i know i *should* do and what i am "capable" of doing doesn't quite match up. and the wound in my heart will never fully heal. it's like a cut that has formed a scab but the scab has been picked off again and again... so that it can't heal. i know that it will.. and i know God will heal and take care of me...
but my weak patience is contributing to my downfall... i guess ... it's just difficult because a lot of bad things are happening in a really short time and ... well it's hard to always be optomistic and looking towards the future. but i guess it's not about these things. what i have or what i don't. what i'm good at or what i'm not... whether i'm even good enough for people... and perhaps i am putting too much focus on these things... i am trying. i really am. but it's not really that easy. not so black and white.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." matt 6:19-21
who am i?
i'm a girl... who is confused. confused abotu what is right and wrong.
confused about what to do ... what to feel....
sometimes... i just think... if i disappeared, everythign would be better for everybody. and it's probably true since i seem to be the cause of all these problems...
if not for me... well... things would definitely be simpler.
i try. i really do. but... but somehow what i know i *should* do and what i am "capable" of doing doesn't quite match up. and the wound in my heart will never fully heal. it's like a cut that has formed a scab but the scab has been picked off again and again... so that it can't heal. i know that it will.. and i know God will heal and take care of me...
but my weak patience is contributing to my downfall... i guess ... it's just difficult because a lot of bad things are happening in a really short time and ... well it's hard to always be optomistic and looking towards the future. but i guess it's not about these things. what i have or what i don't. what i'm good at or what i'm not... whether i'm even good enough for people... and perhaps i am putting too much focus on these things... i am trying. i really am. but it's not really that easy. not so black and white.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." matt 6:19-21
Sunday, March 30, 2003
meow
last night after being scared completely out of my mind, i dashed into my empty house turning on all the lights. only after doing so did i close the front door. then i sprinted up to my room and huddled in the corner of my bed. grabbing my phone i proceeded to call gladys, patty, and janey .. yes in a row. leaving me little time to blog about... SKUNK(IE)... although i did share the story with the three people i called =P . ... see we were having a planning meeting for praylude... and we see this figure move across the window and pt is like "oh that cat has been here for a few days..." and so we opened the window and she was meowing loudly... crying... because it was so frigid and lonely out in the cold world. and of course we couldn't just *leave* her there so we brought her inside and gave her some tuna which she munched down crazily but yah... she is ADORABLE. i wanna keep this kitty... ccept that apparently she prolly has an owner. but if not...... yah. oh yeah... we named her Skunk(ie) .. actually wayne thought of it... and we thought it was PERFECT =D
for your visual enjoyment:
last night after being scared completely out of my mind, i dashed into my empty house turning on all the lights. only after doing so did i close the front door. then i sprinted up to my room and huddled in the corner of my bed. grabbing my phone i proceeded to call gladys, patty, and janey .. yes in a row. leaving me little time to blog about... SKUNK(IE)... although i did share the story with the three people i called =P . ... see we were having a planning meeting for praylude... and we see this figure move across the window and pt is like "oh that cat has been here for a few days..." and so we opened the window and she was meowing loudly... crying... because it was so frigid and lonely out in the cold world. and of course we couldn't just *leave* her there so we brought her inside and gave her some tuna which she munched down crazily but yah... she is ADORABLE. i wanna keep this kitty... ccept that apparently she prolly has an owner. but if not...... yah. oh yeah... we named her Skunk(ie) .. actually wayne thought of it... and we thought it was PERFECT =D
for your visual enjoyment:
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
supposed to be in study right now...but i decided to come down here to blog... clear my thoughts a bit.
so many things hitting at me from all sides lately. so frustrated. so t i r e d. i got a chance to talk to alan last nite... he mentioned this verse: 2 Corinthians 4
8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
also, the new jaci velasquez cd is out!!! [unspoken] ... i used to be a semi "hardcore" jaci velasquez fan =P ... haha.. anyhow, i like her music and I WANT THAT CD!!! but i didn't tell tim so when he went to michells he bought it for jo but not me =( becuase she asked that is.. anyways she was nice enuff to lend me the cover and i am already really into the lyrics. a long long time ago, my dad bought me her book and her 1st cd and i really related to her type thing. well here's this song that WOW. i relate to so much...
-i've got my bad days and some are even worse i can be a blessing and you know, i can be a curse/ i tremble at rejection i'm scared to be alone sometimes i may be selfish but i always make it home/this is the real me am i the girl that you want me to be? this is the real me with flaws and fears of intimacy this is the real me/ i know that i'm demanding and sometimes insecure i think i've got the answers and then i'm not so sure/ i sometimes need attention a little more than i should but there is part of me that'd give the whole world if i could/ jaci velasquez.
i also really relate to "Lost without You" and "Glass House"...
so many things hitting at me from all sides lately. so frustrated. so t i r e d. i got a chance to talk to alan last nite... he mentioned this verse: 2 Corinthians 4
8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
also, the new jaci velasquez cd is out!!! [unspoken] ... i used to be a semi "hardcore" jaci velasquez fan =P ... haha.. anyhow, i like her music and I WANT THAT CD!!! but i didn't tell tim so when he went to michells he bought it for jo but not me =( becuase she asked that is.. anyways she was nice enuff to lend me the cover and i am already really into the lyrics. a long long time ago, my dad bought me her book and her 1st cd and i really related to her type thing. well here's this song that WOW. i relate to so much...
-i've got my bad days and some are even worse i can be a blessing and you know, i can be a curse/ i tremble at rejection i'm scared to be alone sometimes i may be selfish but i always make it home/this is the real me am i the girl that you want me to be? this is the real me with flaws and fears of intimacy this is the real me/ i know that i'm demanding and sometimes insecure i think i've got the answers and then i'm not so sure/ i sometimes need attention a little more than i should but there is part of me that'd give the whole world if i could/ jaci velasquez.
i also really relate to "Lost without You" and "Glass House"...
HAPPY BIRFDAY LEXXIE!!!! [aka britney] actually it's belated now since it's past midnite =P ...
forgot to mention links added:
these being
tiff: my buddy tiffy : one of what kat's mom likes to call "mm fie fong yeep" or something (five maple leaves? i dunno...something like that" ... hahha.. i put up a pic for her she can't get it off =) lol... look while you still can =)
dawnie: dawnie my "unidentical twin seperated at birth" hehe =) she's also a few years older than me but hey =P a twin's a twin =P
and kurara: CLARAAAAAA =P =) hehehe =) muahahha i "coerced" her into blogging so GO READ! ... just as funny as ever =) eveyrone knos her she doesn't change =) miss u =P
forgot to mention links added:
these being
tiff: my buddy tiffy : one of what kat's mom likes to call "mm fie fong yeep" or something (five maple leaves? i dunno...something like that" ... hahha.. i put up a pic for her she can't get it off =) lol... look while you still can =)
dawnie: dawnie my "unidentical twin seperated at birth" hehe =) she's also a few years older than me but hey =P a twin's a twin =P
and kurara: CLARAAAAAA =P =) hehehe =) muahahha i "coerced" her into blogging so GO READ! ... just as funny as ever =) eveyrone knos her she doesn't change =) miss u =P
Monday, March 24, 2003
.... "the grad special" this is something i want you to read. this is how people changed my life.
time: the most valuable thing in the world.
heh. ran out of it tonight. grad dinner goes on.. and i'm home. i ran up to the front five minutes before i had to leave, in a frenzy saying only... only the things that popped into my mind right then. i guess in a state of migraneous frustration i didn't get to express myself as well as i would have liked. people i would have liked to mention but did not have time... not to mention i took like 2 pictures. but hey, what can you do? except ......
what i would have said had i had more time
people wonder in life whether or not they have influenced others. encouraged others. changed others in some way. like... err... Mother Theresa? ... well good news, you don't have to be Mother Theresa to do that... in fact, to influence, encourage, or change someone ... all you need to do is... be open to getting to know them. and that means... the world. people touch your life in many many ways. little things impact people and you would never even know.
i grew up with nate yung and jon chin... these guys were part of Praylude (my fellowship now) when i was younger and yeah... we didn't talk so much but i looked up to them and hoped that someday, i'd be in that fellowship and able to make a difference in the church. thankyou for your influence. and then they got to university and they were always there greeting me with a smile and hello... also, jon and i like to discuss with eachother who's "hot or not" LOL... good times... =) let us not forget our childhood =p
speaking of smiles, let's not forget steve wong and his amazing perma-smile... i have never seen steve not smiling. honestly. wow. it is really an encouragement to see someone so joyful and friendly... and furthermore there's freddy ng who brightens up my days because somehow everytime we see eachother we like burst out laughing. and i'll be so down.. but see these people... and their joy will be spread to me.
even though i don't even know these people SUPER well... God has used them to influence and encourage me.
somebody important that i accidentally ommited because of my screwy time thing-- BONNIE. bonnie tam.... wow. she is always there with a smile and hug ... and i can go to her in tears and... she's there. me and bonnie helped out with vbs together in the summer and we have a song-- God You're Good to Me. ask us and we can sing it and do the actions for you =) even during vbs bonnie was such an encouragement to me showing me patience as she lead the kids especially this one who spoke only mandarin and never stopped crying... She taught me the pin yum for the chinese in songs so i could sing the chinese during joint service when we were leading worship... all these aunties and uncles now come up to me and tell me how great my chinese is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA =P thanks for your care and love. God truly is good to me by putting you in my life.
my "family"...[eunie calls these four her godsisters...for me, these people show me the most amazing love.. the most ... wow. they are like family. blood couldn't make these people show me more love.]
to my "see lai" friend emily law remember when we met and you had bangs.. and we were watching a reaaaaallly boring movie and eating burnt popcorn? hehe.. that was... wow. a long time ago. em has stuck it out with me for so so so long. i used to call her like alllll the time (housemates can testify to that) and talk about all these things. emily is the "sane" person ... she has a cool head about everything.. and is so controlled in her emotions ... after a bit .. i guess cuz of work terms and business we stopped hanging out and talking so much. but these past weeks we've really gotten back on track and wow. i wanna grab all that time back em... Em also teaches our highschool sunday school class. yesyes i'm a sunday school kid =P .. but you kno, she's made it something i really do look forward to ...a place i go to for real spiritual discussion and answers -not the same old bible stories. and em's stuck it out with us "cliquey" girls in the back crossed arms, legs on the desk in front of us gossipping about our latest crushes... she's stuck it out tho no one else wanted to teach with her... or when it was hard to get us to respond. in the same way, em has stuck it out in our friendship through the retarded things i've done to screw over her trust, to screw over many things. and each time i mess it up again she always lets me come back with open arms... she's never left... don't leave now =P (haha so corny) [favourite memory: ... i'd have to say either this past friday, or TIDE =)]
who is the only asian girl i know with NATURALLY curly hair? ... NITA! anita kwan my "classmate" from laurier for ...so many years that i've pretended to be a laurier student hahaha... anita was always there for me whether i asked her to be or not. she somehow lives with people i call alot of the time.. one term it was em, one term is was clara... and well she always would answer the phone with the most cheerful voice and ask me how i was doing... something i appreciated very much...but then i got to know anita... and WOW. i appreciate her more than ever now. nita is such a strong and patient person. she will push aside her problems that are so much more significant than mine and sit with me and listen to me say the same things again. always reassuring, always loving, never growing weary of me ( or at least she hides it well). she will dig through her stuff and find me crap to put on my face because i have disgusting hives and force me to go to the walk in clinic with her even though i don't want to because she cares. and she'll she will remind me over and over about how much God loves me, prepared someone for me, cares about me, and about how much she cares about me. she's always a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a hug to fall into. thankyou... [favourite memory: hehhehehehe writing things in the snow with our feet... IVAN + ANITA = LOVE 4EVA!! kekekeke... wish i got a picture =P]
euming chong is a name commonly heard... someone so many ppl know ... someone so many random guys "accidentaly" knock on the wrong door to see HAHAHA =) ... everyone wants to know eumie every guy wants to date her =)... and i have had the priveledge to get to know her.. and to have her know me. my skewed perceptions of her didn't prevent her from offering her presence in a time of frustration for me... she obviously didn't know she was getting herself into a whole daily phone call thing where her mom can now probably memorize my number and can automatically pick up the phone and be like "sorry euming's not home" haha.. but last year as i was struggling so much with temptations, euming was always there to listen. always there with advice. even though she makes fun of me that i like a new guy every day and she had never actually met me in person, eumie was there. and when she came back to loo, it was profound to see that this friendship i had developed over the phone was not superficial and fake but that she actually truly cared about me and she took the time in her busy busy schedule and even though she is vellllyy "high in demand".. she stil made such an effort to chill with me, help me with school, act like a big sister, encouraging me and challenging me to take charge of my own growth in God. i still have so much to learn but gosh eumie's inspired me so much.. thankyou for letting me know my life matters, that i matter. oh and spiderman =) gotta come back and teach me how to speak mandarin =P ... [favourite memory: after that strawberry daquiri at ur place and i made some noise and you were mocking me... that was pretty funny =) ... etiher that or chinese new year nite]
eumie and anita also started a cell grp for grade 11 girls... it's been.. wow. i speak for all 5 of us in saying that this has truly changed our lives and our friendships. and the fact that we can com etogether and talk about our spiritual lives to eachother... has made SUCH a difference. thankyou for showing me what i had all along.
Gee...Why? because gladys yam is cool that's why =) i automatically liked gladys the first time we hung out. for some reason, even though we didn't know eachother hardly, gladys kept asking me if i wanted to get together-- so we went out to williams one night and i remmeber her saying "i hope i never treat you like you're less or differently because you are younger. i respect you as a person and age shouldn't make a difference in that" and i was like WOW-- gosh this is the perfect person. why is everyone not like this? gladys has kept this promise. she has been over the past year, one of the *best* friends i have. making a point of actually getting together with me regularily to hang out she demonstrated from the start that she *really* cared about me... cuz as i discovered tonight, time is the most lacking and precious thing we have. and boy, even though she is insane in her schedule O_o... she always makes time for me. whether it's hanging out at whatever place, or sitting at her apartment drawing on sticky notes, or daily phone calls, or walking out in the freezing cold to st. cin's just to hear me whine about how crazy rugby practice was. i can call her sobbing, laughing, etc at allll times during the day and i mean all including at like 4 - 5 am and she'll be there for me. she knows more abotu me than anyone else in the whole world. she goes insane with me, counsels me, listens to me, shares with me about her life, and just wow. i couldn't be more blessed. and as hard as i try not to, or at least not to admit it.. i look up to her. i admire the way she carries herself, her funness, and her hardworkingness (even though we're gonna live in a cardboard box anyways haha), her culturedness, and her patience, her BALANCE =) if i would like to adopt any attitudes-- one of my top choices would be yours. thankyou for everything. don't leave without knowing that you mean the world to me.
so ... i think that's pretty much it... the point of it all is... these people showed me BIG love from God... and this love inspires me to love more and to grow and to become someone who can show more people love. and it is my hope that as you leave, you will not be leaving my life, but entering into someone else's who you can touch even more than you did mine. and that's a hell of a lot =P
time: the most valuable thing in the world.
heh. ran out of it tonight. grad dinner goes on.. and i'm home. i ran up to the front five minutes before i had to leave, in a frenzy saying only... only the things that popped into my mind right then. i guess in a state of migraneous frustration i didn't get to express myself as well as i would have liked. people i would have liked to mention but did not have time... not to mention i took like 2 pictures. but hey, what can you do? except ......
what i would have said had i had more time
people wonder in life whether or not they have influenced others. encouraged others. changed others in some way. like... err... Mother Theresa? ... well good news, you don't have to be Mother Theresa to do that... in fact, to influence, encourage, or change someone ... all you need to do is... be open to getting to know them. and that means... the world. people touch your life in many many ways. little things impact people and you would never even know.
i grew up with nate yung and jon chin... these guys were part of Praylude (my fellowship now) when i was younger and yeah... we didn't talk so much but i looked up to them and hoped that someday, i'd be in that fellowship and able to make a difference in the church. thankyou for your influence. and then they got to university and they were always there greeting me with a smile and hello... also, jon and i like to discuss with eachother who's "hot or not" LOL... good times... =) let us not forget our childhood =p
speaking of smiles, let's not forget steve wong and his amazing perma-smile... i have never seen steve not smiling. honestly. wow. it is really an encouragement to see someone so joyful and friendly... and furthermore there's freddy ng who brightens up my days because somehow everytime we see eachother we like burst out laughing. and i'll be so down.. but see these people... and their joy will be spread to me.
even though i don't even know these people SUPER well... God has used them to influence and encourage me.
somebody important that i accidentally ommited because of my screwy time thing-- BONNIE. bonnie tam.... wow. she is always there with a smile and hug ... and i can go to her in tears and... she's there. me and bonnie helped out with vbs together in the summer and we have a song-- God You're Good to Me. ask us and we can sing it and do the actions for you =) even during vbs bonnie was such an encouragement to me showing me patience as she lead the kids especially this one who spoke only mandarin and never stopped crying... She taught me the pin yum for the chinese in songs so i could sing the chinese during joint service when we were leading worship... all these aunties and uncles now come up to me and tell me how great my chinese is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA =P thanks for your care and love. God truly is good to me by putting you in my life.
my "family"...[eunie calls these four her godsisters...for me, these people show me the most amazing love.. the most ... wow. they are like family. blood couldn't make these people show me more love.]
to my "see lai" friend emily law remember when we met and you had bangs.. and we were watching a reaaaaallly boring movie and eating burnt popcorn? hehe.. that was... wow. a long time ago. em has stuck it out with me for so so so long. i used to call her like alllll the time (housemates can testify to that) and talk about all these things. emily is the "sane" person ... she has a cool head about everything.. and is so controlled in her emotions ... after a bit .. i guess cuz of work terms and business we stopped hanging out and talking so much. but these past weeks we've really gotten back on track and wow. i wanna grab all that time back em... Em also teaches our highschool sunday school class. yesyes i'm a sunday school kid =P .. but you kno, she's made it something i really do look forward to ...a place i go to for real spiritual discussion and answers -not the same old bible stories. and em's stuck it out with us "cliquey" girls in the back crossed arms, legs on the desk in front of us gossipping about our latest crushes... she's stuck it out tho no one else wanted to teach with her... or when it was hard to get us to respond. in the same way, em has stuck it out in our friendship through the retarded things i've done to screw over her trust, to screw over many things. and each time i mess it up again she always lets me come back with open arms... she's never left... don't leave now =P (haha so corny) [favourite memory: ... i'd have to say either this past friday, or TIDE =)]
who is the only asian girl i know with NATURALLY curly hair? ... NITA! anita kwan my "classmate" from laurier for ...so many years that i've pretended to be a laurier student hahaha... anita was always there for me whether i asked her to be or not. she somehow lives with people i call alot of the time.. one term it was em, one term is was clara... and well she always would answer the phone with the most cheerful voice and ask me how i was doing... something i appreciated very much...but then i got to know anita... and WOW. i appreciate her more than ever now. nita is such a strong and patient person. she will push aside her problems that are so much more significant than mine and sit with me and listen to me say the same things again. always reassuring, always loving, never growing weary of me ( or at least she hides it well). she will dig through her stuff and find me crap to put on my face because i have disgusting hives and force me to go to the walk in clinic with her even though i don't want to because she cares. and she'll she will remind me over and over about how much God loves me, prepared someone for me, cares about me, and about how much she cares about me. she's always a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a hug to fall into. thankyou... [favourite memory: hehhehehehe writing things in the snow with our feet... IVAN + ANITA = LOVE 4EVA!! kekekeke... wish i got a picture =P]
euming chong is a name commonly heard... someone so many ppl know ... someone so many random guys "accidentaly" knock on the wrong door to see HAHAHA =) ... everyone wants to know eumie every guy wants to date her =)... and i have had the priveledge to get to know her.. and to have her know me. my skewed perceptions of her didn't prevent her from offering her presence in a time of frustration for me... she obviously didn't know she was getting herself into a whole daily phone call thing where her mom can now probably memorize my number and can automatically pick up the phone and be like "sorry euming's not home" haha.. but last year as i was struggling so much with temptations, euming was always there to listen. always there with advice. even though she makes fun of me that i like a new guy every day and she had never actually met me in person, eumie was there. and when she came back to loo, it was profound to see that this friendship i had developed over the phone was not superficial and fake but that she actually truly cared about me and she took the time in her busy busy schedule and even though she is vellllyy "high in demand".. she stil made such an effort to chill with me, help me with school, act like a big sister, encouraging me and challenging me to take charge of my own growth in God. i still have so much to learn but gosh eumie's inspired me so much.. thankyou for letting me know my life matters, that i matter. oh and spiderman =) gotta come back and teach me how to speak mandarin =P ... [favourite memory: after that strawberry daquiri at ur place and i made some noise and you were mocking me... that was pretty funny =) ... etiher that or chinese new year nite]
eumie and anita also started a cell grp for grade 11 girls... it's been.. wow. i speak for all 5 of us in saying that this has truly changed our lives and our friendships. and the fact that we can com etogether and talk about our spiritual lives to eachother... has made SUCH a difference. thankyou for showing me what i had all along.
Gee...Why? because gladys yam is cool that's why =) i automatically liked gladys the first time we hung out. for some reason, even though we didn't know eachother hardly, gladys kept asking me if i wanted to get together-- so we went out to williams one night and i remmeber her saying "i hope i never treat you like you're less or differently because you are younger. i respect you as a person and age shouldn't make a difference in that" and i was like WOW-- gosh this is the perfect person. why is everyone not like this? gladys has kept this promise. she has been over the past year, one of the *best* friends i have. making a point of actually getting together with me regularily to hang out she demonstrated from the start that she *really* cared about me... cuz as i discovered tonight, time is the most lacking and precious thing we have. and boy, even though she is insane in her schedule O_o... she always makes time for me. whether it's hanging out at whatever place, or sitting at her apartment drawing on sticky notes, or daily phone calls, or walking out in the freezing cold to st. cin's just to hear me whine about how crazy rugby practice was. i can call her sobbing, laughing, etc at allll times during the day and i mean all including at like 4 - 5 am and she'll be there for me. she knows more abotu me than anyone else in the whole world. she goes insane with me, counsels me, listens to me, shares with me about her life, and just wow. i couldn't be more blessed. and as hard as i try not to, or at least not to admit it.. i look up to her. i admire the way she carries herself, her funness, and her hardworkingness (even though we're gonna live in a cardboard box anyways haha), her culturedness, and her patience, her BALANCE =) if i would like to adopt any attitudes-- one of my top choices would be yours. thankyou for everything. don't leave without knowing that you mean the world to me.
so ... i think that's pretty much it... the point of it all is... these people showed me BIG love from God... and this love inspires me to love more and to grow and to become someone who can show more people love. and it is my hope that as you leave, you will not be leaving my life, but entering into someone else's who you can touch even more than you did mine. and that's a hell of a lot =P
Friday, March 21, 2003
"and everytime i feel afraid, i'll hold tight onto my faith, and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain." [m.c.]
another day.
[... of the day]
*sounds: the soft patter of the light drizzling rain on the ashfault, mike's dog boomboom's ... nasal congestion?
*smell: fleecy... as always =P ... [g i went in ur room and inhaled lol]
*taste: pina colada ... i wish i was somewhere tropical...
*addictions: payphones. oh my heck. "Through the Rain" by Mariah Carey
what is therapeutic?
*lying on my bed listening to "Through the Rain" at top volume... and singing along.
*a listening ear... going insane with your friends =)
* hugs. hugs are always therapeutic.
"i can make it through the rain, i can stand up once again, on my own and i know, that i'm strong enough to mend, and every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith, and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain....."
another day.
[... of the day]
*sounds: the soft patter of the light drizzling rain on the ashfault, mike's dog boomboom's ... nasal congestion?
*smell: fleecy... as always =P ... [g i went in ur room and inhaled lol]
*taste: pina colada ... i wish i was somewhere tropical...
*addictions: payphones. oh my heck. "Through the Rain" by Mariah Carey
what is therapeutic?
*lying on my bed listening to "Through the Rain" at top volume... and singing along.
*a listening ear... going insane with your friends =)
* hugs. hugs are always therapeutic.
"i can make it through the rain, i can stand up once again, on my own and i know, that i'm strong enough to mend, and every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith, and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain....."
wow.
so this is what this feels like.
feelings. what are they really? ... a representation of the weak and very human person that is in you. undoubtedly a part of you, but not who you are as a whole. it's funny because i think i'm starting to realize why God placed this "horrible" situation in my life tonight. it's all sort of coming together. a week ago at tc, Dr. Dennis Ngien said this: "Maturity is the ability to control your emotions."
undoubtedly i am not very mature. those who know me know i express my emotions quite openly and fluctuate both physically and mentally with them. i've grown up being friends with people who are older than me ... like i was identifying with in my friend's blog, always wanting to catch up, always wishing i was in university too... wanting to grow up so fast. it's painful for me to see these people leave every year. especially now. people think it gets easier? it doesn't. it gets harder as i get older and treasure friendships more and more. it gets harder as you actually spend "a lot" of time with these people and get to know them on a much deeper level. they are actually a part of your life and not some voice on the other end of the wire once in a while. and you know, this year, like every year i told myself, "jasy, you're an emotional person. that's just the way it is. and that's how it's gonna be . your'e gonna be sad and that's it." somehow euming told me to read her blog and i'd read it ... but i only focussed on the parts of like being sad about leaving or the things where i was like "YEAH! i feel that too!" ... but i didn't listen.
tonight something completely unrelated and relatively traumatic happened. as i took in the words, took in the feelings every muscle on my body tensed up, my lips pursed, i closed my eyes for a second and ... i started crying so much. incontrollably. i have been crying for the past two hours. bitter and angry and sad and this feeling that is like devastation but worse and i can't describe it. despairity? ... i dunno. i'm not great with words. so i just cried and sat there thinking "so what now God? what do i do now?!" ... i ended up telling my parents what happened. well they said something that didn't hit me until now. and it was like *pop* that's it! ... they said "you know, this is just a part of God's plan... His big plan that you can't see right now... and He's prepared someone else for you that is gonna be so much better... there's a purpose that this happened and maybe He's even using it to show you something." and yeah i kinda brushed it off cuz i know all the parts abotu there being someone prepared for me that is perfect for me and i believe it. but i guess why this hurt me was not because of what i did and did not get. but it was because of my questioning of my worth, the questioning of the value of my friendship, and just... feeling like.... like nothing. and the knowing that it's no one's fault and the knowing that i should only want the best for such a close friend, knowing these things only hurt me more. becuase i realized how incredibly weak i am. but you know the part that hit me just now and made everythign come together? "maybe He's even trying to show you something." wow. how sad is it that God has to blow it up this much in my face in order for me to listen? . everything is in His plan. and He has a grand purpose for everything. that includes whether or not whatever guy likes me or not or whatever happens with my friends or whatever amazing people are leaving my life. and wow. should i not be rejoicing because maybe what happened tonight will make this guy a better person? or will build my close friend up perhaps? teach them both something too?... and maybe when these amazing people seem to be walking out of my life they are really just walking into someone else's. someone else that might build *them* up... and someone else that they may give just as much love to as they did me. should i not be rejoicing for them? and so that's where i am right now. i guess yah, i feel a little broken... a little cold... but... continually reminding myself that it's all under control ... God's control. and *everything* has a purpose. mr. ball said that something without meaning in writing is a slip of the author because it is a missed opportunity to do something great. God doesn't slip. whatever doesnt' kill me will make me stronger. i think He's trying to teach me to give it all up to Him. to trust Him all the more... "maturity is the ability to control your emotions" i think this means giving it all up to God. i think this means not letting your emotions control *you*, who you are, and what you do. i'm still learning... but hey, practice makes perfect.
so this is what this feels like.
feelings. what are they really? ... a representation of the weak and very human person that is in you. undoubtedly a part of you, but not who you are as a whole. it's funny because i think i'm starting to realize why God placed this "horrible" situation in my life tonight. it's all sort of coming together. a week ago at tc, Dr. Dennis Ngien said this: "Maturity is the ability to control your emotions."
undoubtedly i am not very mature. those who know me know i express my emotions quite openly and fluctuate both physically and mentally with them. i've grown up being friends with people who are older than me ... like i was identifying with in my friend's blog, always wanting to catch up, always wishing i was in university too... wanting to grow up so fast. it's painful for me to see these people leave every year. especially now. people think it gets easier? it doesn't. it gets harder as i get older and treasure friendships more and more. it gets harder as you actually spend "a lot" of time with these people and get to know them on a much deeper level. they are actually a part of your life and not some voice on the other end of the wire once in a while. and you know, this year, like every year i told myself, "jasy, you're an emotional person. that's just the way it is. and that's how it's gonna be . your'e gonna be sad and that's it." somehow euming told me to read her blog and i'd read it ... but i only focussed on the parts of like being sad about leaving or the things where i was like "YEAH! i feel that too!" ... but i didn't listen.
tonight something completely unrelated and relatively traumatic happened. as i took in the words, took in the feelings every muscle on my body tensed up, my lips pursed, i closed my eyes for a second and ... i started crying so much. incontrollably. i have been crying for the past two hours. bitter and angry and sad and this feeling that is like devastation but worse and i can't describe it. despairity? ... i dunno. i'm not great with words. so i just cried and sat there thinking "so what now God? what do i do now?!" ... i ended up telling my parents what happened. well they said something that didn't hit me until now. and it was like *pop* that's it! ... they said "you know, this is just a part of God's plan... His big plan that you can't see right now... and He's prepared someone else for you that is gonna be so much better... there's a purpose that this happened and maybe He's even using it to show you something." and yeah i kinda brushed it off cuz i know all the parts abotu there being someone prepared for me that is perfect for me and i believe it. but i guess why this hurt me was not because of what i did and did not get. but it was because of my questioning of my worth, the questioning of the value of my friendship, and just... feeling like.... like nothing. and the knowing that it's no one's fault and the knowing that i should only want the best for such a close friend, knowing these things only hurt me more. becuase i realized how incredibly weak i am. but you know the part that hit me just now and made everythign come together? "maybe He's even trying to show you something." wow. how sad is it that God has to blow it up this much in my face in order for me to listen? . everything is in His plan. and He has a grand purpose for everything. that includes whether or not whatever guy likes me or not or whatever happens with my friends or whatever amazing people are leaving my life. and wow. should i not be rejoicing because maybe what happened tonight will make this guy a better person? or will build my close friend up perhaps? teach them both something too?... and maybe when these amazing people seem to be walking out of my life they are really just walking into someone else's. someone else that might build *them* up... and someone else that they may give just as much love to as they did me. should i not be rejoicing for them? and so that's where i am right now. i guess yah, i feel a little broken... a little cold... but... continually reminding myself that it's all under control ... God's control. and *everything* has a purpose. mr. ball said that something without meaning in writing is a slip of the author because it is a missed opportunity to do something great. God doesn't slip. whatever doesnt' kill me will make me stronger. i think He's trying to teach me to give it all up to Him. to trust Him all the more... "maturity is the ability to control your emotions" i think this means giving it all up to God. i think this means not letting your emotions control *you*, who you are, and what you do. i'm still learning... but hey, practice makes perfect.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
humility
Lord grant me self control and humility.... fill my heart with love... replace this burning desire for hatred in me ...
i never realized how difficult it was to act with grace and humility... while your whole body is screaming "don't touch me! don't yell at me! don't talk about my family like that!" your whole body tensing up wanting so badly to swing that punch ... your lips pursing wanting to spew out four letter words... yet your mind and heart clinging on to the desire to act with respect and love in the house of the Lord and consistently praying for self control. i thought i had none. i was right but God was kind enough to give me some today. i am so thankful that in this mental war my "stubborn, big mouthed child" side didn't win out. maybe i am growing up a little =)
tears feel so good ...
thankyou for your love and comfort: jo, pt, bun, kat, mom, dad, and anyone else who offered a smile or a hug =)
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change... and to maintain self control . by loving him and not seeking revenge i will heap burning coals on his head. forgiveness will take a bit of time though....
much prayer needed.
Lord grant me self control and humility.... fill my heart with love... replace this burning desire for hatred in me ...
i never realized how difficult it was to act with grace and humility... while your whole body is screaming "don't touch me! don't yell at me! don't talk about my family like that!" your whole body tensing up wanting so badly to swing that punch ... your lips pursing wanting to spew out four letter words... yet your mind and heart clinging on to the desire to act with respect and love in the house of the Lord and consistently praying for self control. i thought i had none. i was right but God was kind enough to give me some today. i am so thankful that in this mental war my "stubborn, big mouthed child" side didn't win out. maybe i am growing up a little =)
tears feel so good ...
thankyou for your love and comfort: jo, pt, bun, kat, mom, dad, and anyone else who offered a smile or a hug =)
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change... and to maintain self control . by loving him and not seeking revenge i will heap burning coals on his head. forgiveness will take a bit of time though....
much prayer needed.
God is good ... all the time...
i was not prepared for TC. i hadn't taken the time out to pray and ask God to open my heart and speak to me.
but once again... God showed me His grace, love, and mercy despite my shortcomings...
even though my stubborness caused me to be upset wtih not getting the workshop i picked, or being on the team with my friends that i knew, He showed me that sometimes when things don't seem to work out it's all jsuta part of His plan. and He spoke to me through the workshops, and He showed me that by not having the person on my team taht i wanted on my team, i was able to focus completely on Him and not be distracted by other things or people. not that He didn't allow me to meet many great people though, cuz indeed i did.
if there's two things i got out of this TC...
1) not my will but Yours oh lord... God knows what He's doing... no matter how "wrong" things seem to get i need to continue trusting Him, trusting in His wisdom and love ..
2) i am really motivated to change my life around. no, i don't go around doing crazy illegal things or whatnot... btu there are thingsi do that could be a stumbling block to others, things i do that don't reflect God's love in me... and i just want to let go and let God mold me into who He wants me to be. i'm afraid of change. afraid to grow up... but i trust Jesus enough to stop hanging on to the past and allow Him to guide me into being a better Christian, a better vessel for Him...
"oh God let us be a generation that seeks to seek your face oh God of Jacob..."
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
just got home from london...
i had the BEST few days =) was a complete blast =)... western is gorgeous.
funny thing... i went to three classes with di : calculus, chemistry, and biology ... and i only completely stayed awake for one: calculus! hahahaha =) .. lol....
so weird man. i thot bio would be the most interesting... maybe cuz i was worn outfrom the first two classes? ... or maybe it was the powerpoint presentation. -_-... no music or anything hahaha... plus the prof had a *really* nice soothing voice... lol unlike the calculus prof who was absolutely hilarious because he has a really thick accent causing me to hear "DA RE DADA" the whole time he was talking abotu derivitives... lol we did a bunch of stuff including having dinner with jeff (who lives in london)at jackasters YUm.. but sooo filling.
anyways i could go on and on about everthing we did.. but not get to the point at all. it was really mostly about spending time with heidi. what was so cool ws like...sort goign in a time machine.. i mean, we're from her "past" or whatever.. and just ... seeing what her life is like now... what she sees and walks through every day... the peopl that influence her and her life. it was really great. to be able to see what's helped her grow and shape her more =)... just. wow. i miss that girl . hung out with her and then now i miss her more. heh. i like cried as the bus pulled away from the terminal. wow guys. we're growing up.
i had the BEST few days =) was a complete blast =)... western is gorgeous.
funny thing... i went to three classes with di : calculus, chemistry, and biology ... and i only completely stayed awake for one: calculus! hahahaha =) .. lol....
so weird man. i thot bio would be the most interesting... maybe cuz i was worn outfrom the first two classes? ... or maybe it was the powerpoint presentation. -_-... no music or anything hahaha... plus the prof had a *really* nice soothing voice... lol unlike the calculus prof who was absolutely hilarious because he has a really thick accent causing me to hear "DA RE DADA" the whole time he was talking abotu derivitives... lol we did a bunch of stuff including having dinner with jeff (who lives in london)at jackasters YUm.. but sooo filling.
anyways i could go on and on about everthing we did.. but not get to the point at all. it was really mostly about spending time with heidi. what was so cool ws like...sort goign in a time machine.. i mean, we're from her "past" or whatever.. and just ... seeing what her life is like now... what she sees and walks through every day... the peopl that influence her and her life. it was really great. to be able to see what's helped her grow and shape her more =)... just. wow. i miss that girl . hung out with her and then now i miss her more. heh. i like cried as the bus pulled away from the terminal. wow guys. we're growing up.
Saturday, March 08, 2003
that moment
was talking to my mom about guys i've dated and got me thinking about sweet home alabama ... "so i can kiss you any time i want" ... and... well... i've never kissed a guy.
i know the right guy is out there. I'm just not going to kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him. i take kissing a little bit like sex. something i wanna keep for the best guy possible.
and i remembered something Josie said in Never Been Kissed ... about that "moment"... this is what i want when i finally meet him.:
"That thing. That moment. You kiss someone and it's like the world around you gets all hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this other person and you know that one person is the person you're meant to be kissing for the rest of your life. And for that one moment you've been given this amazing gift and you want to laugh and cry at the same time because you're so lucky you found it, and so scared that it will all go away."
also i want my foot to pop
.. no i do not live in a dream world =P it'll happen. i knoooowwwww it'll happen =)
was talking to my mom about guys i've dated and got me thinking about sweet home alabama ... "so i can kiss you any time i want" ... and... well... i've never kissed a guy.
i know the right guy is out there. I'm just not going to kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him. i take kissing a little bit like sex. something i wanna keep for the best guy possible.
and i remembered something Josie said in Never Been Kissed ... about that "moment"... this is what i want when i finally meet him.:
"That thing. That moment. You kiss someone and it's like the world around you gets all hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this other person and you know that one person is the person you're meant to be kissing for the rest of your life. And for that one moment you've been given this amazing gift and you want to laugh and cry at the same time because you're so lucky you found it, and so scared that it will all go away."
also i want my foot to pop
.. no i do not live in a dream world =P it'll happen. i knoooowwwww it'll happen =)
p.s. why are the links not workin?... euniecorn*click click* ... eunie's blog... has really caused me to think a lot about my life... things around me and... life in general... check it out.
HAPPY 17th BDAY to my sexy friend TARYN ^_^ [hun you are amazing =) don't ever change thanks for being such a sweetie all the time luv ya lots and lots]
went to a surprise party tonite =) lol so much fun! a big "girl's nite" =) definitely dont' hang wit my school friends enuff ... forget sometimes what a blast they are =)
so yah ate a lot of chips and dip ( can still taste the garlic), danced to some SeanPaul (sp?) .. well actually i just played papparazzi because i can't dance whatsoever =P , and watched most of Sweet Home Alabama (so ooooo cute!) all the while laughing our asses off ... never a dull moment =) also got to chill with Taryn's ADORABLE 7mth yr old baby sister Summer Lynn Leslieanne Tumes ^_^ AWW
below:
1. the chip dip i couldn't get away from =P 2. LOL ... insano dora shakin her ass at annie,shauna, tara and taryn 3.lara and her special butt wiggle thing whatever it was called... 4. left to right : tara, kathy(taryn's mom), lara, taryn, susi, SUMMER, ian =) 5. ian giving taryn the cake... she's almost gonna blow out the candles 6.Taryn and her mom =)
below:
top row: lara, taryn, susi, shauna, liz
middle: jenn, steph, kat
on the ground: jo, dora, annie, jasy, tara
mia: em and erin! =P
went to a surprise party tonite =) lol so much fun! a big "girl's nite" =) definitely dont' hang wit my school friends enuff ... forget sometimes what a blast they are =)
so yah ate a lot of chips and dip ( can still taste the garlic), danced to some SeanPaul (sp?) .. well actually i just played papparazzi because i can't dance whatsoever =P , and watched most of Sweet Home Alabama (so ooooo cute!) all the while laughing our asses off ... never a dull moment =) also got to chill with Taryn's ADORABLE 7mth yr old baby sister Summer Lynn Leslieanne Tumes ^_^ AWW
below:
1. the chip dip i couldn't get away from =P 2. LOL ... insano dora shakin her ass at annie,shauna, tara and taryn 3.lara and her special butt wiggle thing whatever it was called... 4. left to right : tara, kathy(taryn's mom), lara, taryn, susi, SUMMER, ian =) 5. ian giving taryn the cake... she's almost gonna blow out the candles 6.Taryn and her mom =)
below:
top row: lara, taryn, susi, shauna, liz
middle: jenn, steph, kat
on the ground: jo, dora, annie, jasy, tara
mia: em and erin! =P
Thursday, March 06, 2003
bits and bites
i didn't realize cal wasn't on my links... he is linked on my failed attempt at a webpage =P ... but yah..
CAL: the perfect man LOL... too bad all the perfect guys are taken =) lol hahaha click on his name since there is something wrong with blogger links =P
is it better to have a completely sheltered life or a life that's not sheltered at all?
... i have a few thoughts but i want to think about it more... being completely sheltered may cause some sort of an imprisonment leading to a burst to break free... perhaps more chaos than someone who isn't sheltered at all... perhaps the will to do whatever will be spread out in smaller sections over time rather than a big build up and explosion... not sure tho...
thinking about women's rights relating to the Bible.... i've believed in completely equality for as long as i know.... i know God loves us all equally and gives us the same importance.. but.... i need to wrap my head around this "roles" thing.... hmm...
march break in 2 days. ... freedom... i can smell it already.
i ask ppl if they are mad at me too much. man it is completely unconcious. i dont' notice that i do this.
BAH.
gotta stop. but there is no real stop between my brain and my mouth... my filter has large holes. =P see and then when i realize it i just wanna be like "ar eyou mad at me for asking if you're mad at me too many times?" BLAH. >_<
i didn't realize cal wasn't on my links... he is linked on my failed attempt at a webpage =P ... but yah..
CAL: the perfect man LOL... too bad all the perfect guys are taken =) lol hahaha click on his name since there is something wrong with blogger links =P
is it better to have a completely sheltered life or a life that's not sheltered at all?
... i have a few thoughts but i want to think about it more... being completely sheltered may cause some sort of an imprisonment leading to a burst to break free... perhaps more chaos than someone who isn't sheltered at all... perhaps the will to do whatever will be spread out in smaller sections over time rather than a big build up and explosion... not sure tho...
thinking about women's rights relating to the Bible.... i've believed in completely equality for as long as i know.... i know God loves us all equally and gives us the same importance.. but.... i need to wrap my head around this "roles" thing.... hmm...
march break in 2 days. ... freedom... i can smell it already.
i ask ppl if they are mad at me too much. man it is completely unconcious. i dont' notice that i do this.
BAH.
gotta stop. but there is no real stop between my brain and my mouth... my filter has large holes. =P see and then when i realize it i just wanna be like "ar eyou mad at me for asking if you're mad at me too many times?" BLAH. >_<
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
i hurt.
yesterday was the first day of rugby practice.
i've decided nto to discuss as much of the actual things we did and more so what i felt about it.
there is something that i would like to mention though... two things actually.
1) in the two hours of practice we didn't stop running for more than 10 sec at a time... and these were few and far between...
2) the stairs. i will never gaze upon the stairs of my school in the same way ever again.
.... buttt... overall i had a lot of lot of fun!!! =) kekeke =)
the only parts where i didn't have fun were a) the stairs: honestly by the third time... i saw stars ... and nothing else. my legs were jelly ... and well yes. it wasn't exactly pleasant. not to mention that i was the last person to start and hence the last to finish... and ended up having to run to the weight room to catch up to everyone... by the end of that whole stairs ordeal (across second floor, up to fourth, across fourth down to second over and over and over...) my sinus's were all running, my throat was clenched and i had no voice, and my legs were complete jelly.
and if that wasn't enough.... b) when i got to the weight room only two seconds after the girl before me... i was met by my last year's careers teacher who loves me and is soooper nice to me all the time and gosh i was like "YES" in my head ... BUT ... he starts like yelling at me about how i should have gotten there quicker and like getting all pissy when i aksed to go to the bathroom to clear my sinuses =P ii was SOOOOOO upset. i think i learned something yesterday i dont' deal well with people yelling at me. actually i shoudl have noticed that before cuz i think about when i get mad ... a lot of the time it's a cause of ppl yelling at me . geez man. dont' yell at me! but i told myself to suck it up and i promised myself i was not gonna cry or whine during practice. and i didn't! =) of course when i met up with g afterwards, i whined a hell of a lot. but meh =P haha.. anyways i didn't realize how upset i was about the whole mr. ranton yelling at me thing until i saw him today to ask him about when i needed to figure out my course selections stuff.. i could hardly speak to him i was so mad and he's just like whoa... are you ok? and i was like whatever. you are so mean. and he's like huh? why am i mean? and i was like *glare* well yah you were just freakin yelling at me yesterday and blablablabla and honestly i got so upset i started crying HAHAHA... ahhhhh... =P ... soooo... yeah i was just in his office he was being SO nice to me... he's like oh my gosh i'm soooo sorry it was totally not personal bla;blabla... and he gave me chocolate =) *grin* ... i didn't want to be a wuss but honestly i just couldn't help it i cry when i'm mad. but he said he actually respects me for telling him and stuff which is cool.. plus i guess i am really sensitive because i've never really played on an intense sports team before (i dont' count dragon boating as intense lol sooo... yah... just came as a really big shock. but it felt really good to let it out.
everyone prolly thinks i'm a baby now =P .
i dont' care i am NOT =P i'm a big tuff rugby girl HAHAHA =)
yesterday was the first day of rugby practice.
i've decided nto to discuss as much of the actual things we did and more so what i felt about it.
there is something that i would like to mention though... two things actually.
1) in the two hours of practice we didn't stop running for more than 10 sec at a time... and these were few and far between...
2) the stairs. i will never gaze upon the stairs of my school in the same way ever again.
.... buttt... overall i had a lot of lot of fun!!! =) kekeke =)
the only parts where i didn't have fun were a) the stairs: honestly by the third time... i saw stars ... and nothing else. my legs were jelly ... and well yes. it wasn't exactly pleasant. not to mention that i was the last person to start and hence the last to finish... and ended up having to run to the weight room to catch up to everyone... by the end of that whole stairs ordeal (across second floor, up to fourth, across fourth down to second over and over and over...) my sinus's were all running, my throat was clenched and i had no voice, and my legs were complete jelly.
and if that wasn't enough.... b) when i got to the weight room only two seconds after the girl before me... i was met by my last year's careers teacher who loves me and is soooper nice to me all the time and gosh i was like "YES" in my head ... BUT ... he starts like yelling at me about how i should have gotten there quicker and like getting all pissy when i aksed to go to the bathroom to clear my sinuses =P ii was SOOOOOO upset. i think i learned something yesterday i dont' deal well with people yelling at me. actually i shoudl have noticed that before cuz i think about when i get mad ... a lot of the time it's a cause of ppl yelling at me . geez man. dont' yell at me! but i told myself to suck it up and i promised myself i was not gonna cry or whine during practice. and i didn't! =) of course when i met up with g afterwards, i whined a hell of a lot. but meh =P haha.. anyways i didn't realize how upset i was about the whole mr. ranton yelling at me thing until i saw him today to ask him about when i needed to figure out my course selections stuff.. i could hardly speak to him i was so mad and he's just like whoa... are you ok? and i was like whatever. you are so mean. and he's like huh? why am i mean? and i was like *glare* well yah you were just freakin yelling at me yesterday and blablablabla and honestly i got so upset i started crying HAHAHA... ahhhhh... =P ... soooo... yeah i was just in his office he was being SO nice to me... he's like oh my gosh i'm soooo sorry it was totally not personal bla;blabla... and he gave me chocolate =) *grin* ... i didn't want to be a wuss but honestly i just couldn't help it i cry when i'm mad. but he said he actually respects me for telling him and stuff which is cool.. plus i guess i am really sensitive because i've never really played on an intense sports team before (i dont' count dragon boating as intense lol sooo... yah... just came as a really big shock. but it felt really good to let it out.
everyone prolly thinks i'm a baby now =P .
i dont' care i am NOT =P i'm a big tuff rugby girl HAHAHA =)
Sunday, March 02, 2003
*the weekend* =)
or .. well... most of it =)
friday... i did homework... heh. not much fun ... oh! but heidi and jo came over for a bit and we had fun with the sound recorder on my comp =) hehehehe =)i would post some of it up for your listening pleasure but.... it would be entirely too embarressing plus i dunno how =)
saturday... was the day of the big three ppl surprise party thingy hahaha =)[happy birthday auntie sandy, wayne and happy belated pastor tim!] was pretty cool =) turned out pretty well.. enuff food for everyone and enuff chairs for everyone =) yay .. haha... a day of firsts i'd have to say. in the afternoon we made sushi =) YUMMO =) brendan came over to help =) it was the first time brendan's come over =)prolly because i dunno brendan lol =) well not really anyways but he is hilarious and it was a lotta fun so me dora brendan and heidi and jo(later) made sum sushi for da partee... but i didn't take any pics of that. all i took pics of was dora and brendan eating pistaccio's in my room lol ... afterwards we headed off to mikey's to make wonton and spring rolls but after that we got a craving for bbls so brendan tiff dora and i went to sweet dreams ... it was tiff's first time trying bbl tea!! =) ... she didn't like it =P bah. hahah...
a lot of ppl showed up that were unexpectedbut it was cool =) nice nice nice =)... it was only semi surprising lol they all knew there was gonna be a surprise party just... they didn't know who it was gonna be for.. except pastor tim figured it out ... he always does lol =)... and being chinese they did this whole bday ppl have to kiss their spouse/girlfriend thing LOL ... and allthe ppl were jumping around (including me) playing paparazzi =) *ahem* for ur viewing pleasure haha: lol sorry jess =)
sunday... actually... it's still sunday =)but i am gonna end up just doing more homework... until 7:30 when i have a practice for multicultural show at church...
lead sings today... oh my gosh those kids make me so frustrated sometimes. .. i mean... like ppl are like tell them if they don't shut up that they have to come up to the front and lead with you. and i can't do that. i can't and won't turn worship into some sort of horrible punishment. *sigh* God... show me what to do... please... -_-
jeh jeh was up today! =) yay! haven't seen for a long time =)twas nice... went and met up with her at pita factory... pluss...... guess who i met finally?
vidaloca!!! kekeke =)yes it is a big deal cuz when u talk to someone so often online but never actually meet in person... well it's cool when u finally do =) *grin*
so that's my weekend in a nutshell =) oh wow what an "events" post =P... heh well i'm tired of just venting thoughts all the time events are cool once in a while =)... gonna go do some more homework =P
or .. well... most of it =)
friday... i did homework... heh. not much fun ... oh! but heidi and jo came over for a bit and we had fun with the sound recorder on my comp =) hehehehe =)i would post some of it up for your listening pleasure but.... it would be entirely too embarressing plus i dunno how =)
saturday... was the day of the big three ppl surprise party thingy hahaha =)[happy birthday auntie sandy, wayne and happy belated pastor tim!] was pretty cool =) turned out pretty well.. enuff food for everyone and enuff chairs for everyone =) yay .. haha... a day of firsts i'd have to say. in the afternoon we made sushi =) YUMMO =) brendan came over to help =) it was the first time brendan's come over =)prolly because i dunno brendan lol =) well not really anyways but he is hilarious and it was a lotta fun so me dora brendan and heidi and jo(later) made sum sushi for da partee... but i didn't take any pics of that. all i took pics of was dora and brendan eating pistaccio's in my room lol ... afterwards we headed off to mikey's to make wonton and spring rolls but after that we got a craving for bbls so brendan tiff dora and i went to sweet dreams ... it was tiff's first time trying bbl tea!! =) ... she didn't like it =P bah. hahah...
a lot of ppl showed up that were unexpectedbut it was cool =) nice nice nice =)... it was only semi surprising lol they all knew there was gonna be a surprise party just... they didn't know who it was gonna be for.. except pastor tim figured it out ... he always does lol =)... and being chinese they did this whole bday ppl have to kiss their spouse/girlfriend thing LOL ... and allthe ppl were jumping around (including me) playing paparazzi =) *ahem* for ur viewing pleasure haha: lol sorry jess =)
sunday... actually... it's still sunday =)but i am gonna end up just doing more homework... until 7:30 when i have a practice for multicultural show at church...
lead sings today... oh my gosh those kids make me so frustrated sometimes. .. i mean... like ppl are like tell them if they don't shut up that they have to come up to the front and lead with you. and i can't do that. i can't and won't turn worship into some sort of horrible punishment. *sigh* God... show me what to do... please... -_-
jeh jeh was up today! =) yay! haven't seen for a long time =)twas nice... went and met up with her at pita factory... pluss...... guess who i met finally?
vidaloca!!! kekeke =)yes it is a big deal cuz when u talk to someone so often online but never actually meet in person... well it's cool when u finally do =) *grin*
so that's my weekend in a nutshell =) oh wow what an "events" post =P... heh well i'm tired of just venting thoughts all the time events are cool once in a while =)... gonna go do some more homework =P
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
rugby ... starts on monday
i am SO SCARED. i'm gonna end up crying and throwing up too =P i *feel* it like.. i kno i'm gonna
supposedly the first week of practices are hell. oh my goooodnesss... *soooooo nervous*
so hard to come clean. i have the desire to be honest with ppl i care about. but yet... still so afraid... not because of lack of trust but just because... no matter how objective someone is ... knowing someone has O_o thoughts... can still change ur perspective of them.. i guess... *sigh* but i'm getting there. two down, one to go.
i am SO SCARED. i'm gonna end up crying and throwing up too =P i *feel* it like.. i kno i'm gonna
supposedly the first week of practices are hell. oh my goooodnesss... *soooooo nervous*
so hard to come clean. i have the desire to be honest with ppl i care about. but yet... still so afraid... not because of lack of trust but just because... no matter how objective someone is ... knowing someone has O_o thoughts... can still change ur perspective of them.. i guess... *sigh* but i'm getting there. two down, one to go.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
what is a definition of a close friend? -- i decided to make it the people i trust most. [disclaimer: i am not saying that they neccessarily view me as a close friend in return ... i am just saying that these are the types of people that are close to ME because they know parts of me i'd rather have in the dark.] i was thinking to myself... okay so my close friends are the ones i trust... well who do i trust then? i talk to so many people... abotu so many different things... hwo do i decifer whether or not i reallllly trust someone? (because i obviously do not walk around thinking about my level of trust for everyone all the time). i have come to this conclusion. i am pretty open about stuff generally because i do not like to be fake and i don't like to hide myself. how can u develope friendships if all u do is hide? ... so people tend to know things about me and the way i feel. two things exceed this -- these being my spiritual life and my dark side. i have a lot of trouble talking about my spiritual walk with people. sometimes people will be like "you seem to try to change the subject every time God comes up" ... it's just becuase it's so personal for me... id unno why but .. stuff like that is just SO personal... Jesus is really important to me. He is an *intimate* part of me. people think that all i think about is guys and crap and that guys are on my mind more than God is... but it's just because guys are less important and less close to me than God is which is why i so easily open up about it and i guess it gives off the impression that that is all it hink about. (altho i do admit boys *are* on my mind alot but come *on* i am still a girl =P) anyways that is why i tend to shy away from talks about God and my spiritual life.. this does not apply to questions about the bible etc which is fine for me to talk about...
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.
*thankyou*
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.
*thankyou*
question:
why did John Mayer say he was 16 at the grammy's last night but when i looked it up apparently he is 25. O_o ...
i thought there was hope after all too... =P hahaha... his body is a wonderland kekekeke =P
winter wondersol
lol went to waterloo park today with dora kat jo heidi and ... yeah ok. just them haha =) twas sooo funn... dora read the "wonders of winter" as wondersol winter .. gotta go see those lights next year... used to go every year but i've been missing them for a couple...
anyways the animals are STILL OUT! =) well =) and =( becuase... well they must be somewhat cold but i guess they can go inside if they really want to... there was a donkey, goats, bunnies =) , turkies(so scary), and deer.. deer are my favourite they were following me =) and also tehy eat outta ur hand =) sooooo pretttyyyy =) ... the bunnies are really cute but they don't even come very close for very long so u can pet them =P we wandered down the path and ended up coming to the playground near the water park thingy... anyways this playground has FLAT SWINGS =) these being swings that are like... a big plate/ saucer... me and kat shared one and dora and kat shared one and di was taking pictures and yeah ...we were kinda chicken to stand up but jo and dora stood up =P twas soooo fun =) and tehnnnnnnn... i made a SNOWANGEL!! =D kekeke i jumped into the snow just to do that and it was awesome until dora was mean and wrecked it =P BLAH hahhaa... anyways i have fun with those girlies =) haven't doone something like that for a while =) go to waterloo park .. *see*? waterloo is the BEST .
why did John Mayer say he was 16 at the grammy's last night but when i looked it up apparently he is 25. O_o ...
i thought there was hope after all too... =P hahaha... his body is a wonderland kekekeke =P
winter wondersol
lol went to waterloo park today with dora kat jo heidi and ... yeah ok. just them haha =) twas sooo funn... dora read the "wonders of winter" as wondersol winter .. gotta go see those lights next year... used to go every year but i've been missing them for a couple...
anyways the animals are STILL OUT! =) well =) and =( becuase... well they must be somewhat cold but i guess they can go inside if they really want to... there was a donkey, goats, bunnies =) , turkies(so scary), and deer.. deer are my favourite they were following me =) and also tehy eat outta ur hand =) sooooo pretttyyyy =) ... the bunnies are really cute but they don't even come very close for very long so u can pet them =P we wandered down the path and ended up coming to the playground near the water park thingy... anyways this playground has FLAT SWINGS =) these being swings that are like... a big plate/ saucer... me and kat shared one and dora and kat shared one and di was taking pictures and yeah ...we were kinda chicken to stand up but jo and dora stood up =P twas soooo fun =) and tehnnnnnnn... i made a SNOWANGEL!! =D kekeke i jumped into the snow just to do that and it was awesome until dora was mean and wrecked it =P BLAH hahhaa... anyways i have fun with those girlies =) haven't doone something like that for a while =) go to waterloo park .. *see*? waterloo is the BEST .
Sunday, February 23, 2003
in memory of Pansy Lam
went to Auntie Pansy's memorial service today... i didn't know her taht well but she was a really really nice person and continued to have an amazing faith in God and a visible peace about her even as her life was slipping away... please take some time to remember the Lam family in your prayers especially my friend Jeff and his dad Henry. thanks
opposite day
lol had the opportunity to meet some ppl today... including a spunky girl named Jasmine she has so much pizazz u wouldn't guess that she's 7... unless u look at her that is =P but hey, age shouldn't draw judgement anyways =) and another 7 year old Sam, the kid of the pastor of London Chinese Alliance, who's so what grownups would call "gwie" no not strange.. =P more like "good" haha.. anyways these two are hilarious they're like best friends and yah... oh my goodness here is an amusing conversation they had with my friend Jeff today...:
[jasmine and sam are punching jeff]
jasmine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sam: does this hurt?
jeff: no... i mean yeah it hurts so much. stop . stop.
jasmine: nuh UHHHH... it's OPPOSITE DAY! hahahaha
sam: that means you said keep punching you!
jeff: WELLLL..... if it's opposite day and you say it's opposite day then that means it's not really opposite day
jasmine: well then it's not opposite day!
jeff: ok. then it's not opposite day.
lol lol lol
went to Auntie Pansy's memorial service today... i didn't know her taht well but she was a really really nice person and continued to have an amazing faith in God and a visible peace about her even as her life was slipping away... please take some time to remember the Lam family in your prayers especially my friend Jeff and his dad Henry. thanks
opposite day
lol had the opportunity to meet some ppl today... including a spunky girl named Jasmine she has so much pizazz u wouldn't guess that she's 7... unless u look at her that is =P but hey, age shouldn't draw judgement anyways =) and another 7 year old Sam, the kid of the pastor of London Chinese Alliance, who's so what grownups would call "gwie" no not strange.. =P more like "good" haha.. anyways these two are hilarious they're like best friends and yah... oh my goodness here is an amusing conversation they had with my friend Jeff today...:
[jasmine and sam are punching jeff]
jasmine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sam: does this hurt?
jeff: no... i mean yeah it hurts so much. stop . stop.
jasmine: nuh UHHHH... it's OPPOSITE DAY! hahahaha
sam: that means you said keep punching you!
jeff: WELLLL..... if it's opposite day and you say it's opposite day then that means it's not really opposite day
jasmine: well then it's not opposite day!
jeff: ok. then it's not opposite day.
lol lol lol
Friday, February 21, 2003
my future
went to Stratford General Hospital today... with my dad and jo =) ... my dad is like the boss of the pharmacy depmnt. so we got vip access to the physio and occ therapy depmts... actually they are just really nice and let us spend half the day with them ... it was really cool to be able to talk to some of the patients esp those who are living in the hospital due to the need to recover from stroke/ other problems... it's strange how complete strangers will open up to you about stuff that people you "know" won't even. just seems like ur presence gives them joy... especially this one lady i talked to for like 15 min Catherine... who had a very interesting story... but yeah... i can definitely see myself working in either physio / ot so i think i'm semi set! =) hoorah! =) now if people ask me what i'm "gonna be when i grow up" i don't have to shrug and change the subject =) i really like the environment of that hospital. especially the pharmacy deptmt which was the old pediatrics ward so there's disney characters painted all over the walls LOL ... my dad's office has mother goose. hahaha...
Raiden
i've been meaning to post these pictures for everyone to see jsut how adorable dora's new puppy raiden is =D kekeke =) :
dora with raiden in her kitchen
raiden *AWWWWW*
went to Stratford General Hospital today... with my dad and jo =) ... my dad is like the boss of the pharmacy depmnt. so we got vip access to the physio and occ therapy depmts... actually they are just really nice and let us spend half the day with them ... it was really cool to be able to talk to some of the patients esp those who are living in the hospital due to the need to recover from stroke/ other problems... it's strange how complete strangers will open up to you about stuff that people you "know" won't even. just seems like ur presence gives them joy... especially this one lady i talked to for like 15 min Catherine... who had a very interesting story... but yeah... i can definitely see myself working in either physio / ot so i think i'm semi set! =) hoorah! =) now if people ask me what i'm "gonna be when i grow up" i don't have to shrug and change the subject =) i really like the environment of that hospital. especially the pharmacy deptmt which was the old pediatrics ward so there's disney characters painted all over the walls LOL ... my dad's office has mother goose. hahaha...
Raiden
i've been meaning to post these pictures for everyone to see jsut how adorable dora's new puppy raiden is =D kekeke =) :
dora with raiden in her kitchen
raiden *AWWWWW*
Thursday, February 20, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR TIM!!!!!
tim's in hong kong rite now... and rite before that he was in auzzie with the short term missions team that he has named JIT(jessica ivan tim) hahhaa... so wish him a happy birthday online cuz u won't be able to see him in person til next week. =)
thanks for always being so supportive, fun, and cool =) miss you tons!
oh!!!!.. i completely forgot to mention about Russel Warrad and his family coming down last week!!!!!!! MY KIDS!!!!! me and kira, emily, and hannah had a good time playing chocolate factory, wall tag, and eating icecream while everyone else was at sunday school =) it was sooooperrrr! Russel's sermon was AWESOME and stimulated a lot of thought which i was gonna blog about but it slipped my mind... i'll write about it tommorow =P =)
actually i wanna sleep now... i can't believe it. it's not even 11:00pm yet hahaha plus i don't have to go to school tommorow PA DAY!!!!! WOOOT! =D oh yeah =)
tim's in hong kong rite now... and rite before that he was in auzzie with the short term missions team that he has named JIT(jessica ivan tim) hahhaa... so wish him a happy birthday online cuz u won't be able to see him in person til next week. =)
thanks for always being so supportive, fun, and cool =) miss you tons!
oh!!!!.. i completely forgot to mention about Russel Warrad and his family coming down last week!!!!!!! MY KIDS!!!!! me and kira, emily, and hannah had a good time playing chocolate factory, wall tag, and eating icecream while everyone else was at sunday school =) it was sooooperrrr! Russel's sermon was AWESOME and stimulated a lot of thought which i was gonna blog about but it slipped my mind... i'll write about it tommorow =P =)
actually i wanna sleep now... i can't believe it. it's not even 11:00pm yet hahaha plus i don't have to go to school tommorow PA DAY!!!!! WOOOT! =D oh yeah =)
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Thursday, February 13, 2003
i am disgusted with myself.
i feel so ... selfish.
you brat.
how is it that i can actually concieve the ideas that my problems are significant?
foolish. naive. ignorant child.
course selections. confusion of my future. lifelong friendships crumbling. little pebbles on my road of life i just happened to stub my toe on. yet why do i act as if they are giant boulders blocking my way? reminds me of our girl's cell bible study about Daniel... his trust in God and courage to face whatever came to Him acted as a witness to others. i am nothing like Daniel. he faced his problems head on. why do i turn so fast to grab the hand of the people i trust? not letting go. "lead me through this please! i don't know how to get around it..." i cry, gazing at the megalith i see before me... yet to those i cry to ... they must be gazing at my same megalith appearing as a pebble in their eyes. generously they hold my hand again and again. thankyou. and now... tears of shame flowing from my eyes... i see how compared to some i have the life of a princess. i must appear to people in the same light as a rich snob throwing a temper tantrum because i broke a nail. especially now. i feel like i'm helping sucking the life out of some of the people i care about most. and for what? for consolation from my completely insignificant life. i am so sorry. i don't even know what it's like to suffer... to struggle. i am completely blessed.
no more. i am putting down the phone and turning off the screen. no more chats no more whining no more. no more.
it is time i lived up to my claims of not being a child. grow up you retard. ...
falling in to the arms of the Father. time to remember to let it all go to Him again...
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
[Psalm 46:1-3]
i feel so ... selfish.
you brat.
how is it that i can actually concieve the ideas that my problems are significant?
foolish. naive. ignorant child.
course selections. confusion of my future. lifelong friendships crumbling. little pebbles on my road of life i just happened to stub my toe on. yet why do i act as if they are giant boulders blocking my way? reminds me of our girl's cell bible study about Daniel... his trust in God and courage to face whatever came to Him acted as a witness to others. i am nothing like Daniel. he faced his problems head on. why do i turn so fast to grab the hand of the people i trust? not letting go. "lead me through this please! i don't know how to get around it..." i cry, gazing at the megalith i see before me... yet to those i cry to ... they must be gazing at my same megalith appearing as a pebble in their eyes. generously they hold my hand again and again. thankyou. and now... tears of shame flowing from my eyes... i see how compared to some i have the life of a princess. i must appear to people in the same light as a rich snob throwing a temper tantrum because i broke a nail. especially now. i feel like i'm helping sucking the life out of some of the people i care about most. and for what? for consolation from my completely insignificant life. i am so sorry. i don't even know what it's like to suffer... to struggle. i am completely blessed.
no more. i am putting down the phone and turning off the screen. no more chats no more whining no more. no more.
it is time i lived up to my claims of not being a child. grow up you retard. ...
falling in to the arms of the Father. time to remember to let it all go to Him again...
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
[Psalm 46:1-3]
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
future shopping.
a.k.a. deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life. i was in a bit of a frizzle this afternoon thinking about courses and such... i don't even know where to begin ... luckily, once again g saves the day by discovering this miracle bookie thingy online that shows you all the courses and prereq. etc etc :
http://www.ouac.on.ca/info/index.htm -the "INFO 63 Fall 2002 edition booklet" click click..
i was so so so happy untiillllll.... i dunno what courses to take next year! what the heck they have so many of the same programs with different prerequisites. like... some need bio and some need physics. some need two maths and some need none. yet all this naming it the same program geez. [pause] *SCREAM*
ahhhh
and now that i'm a little bit more calm.... i finally added the links that i was gonna add.. one only recently, one a bit ago, and one a long time ago =P in no particular order Jedi Stranger (happy birthday dru!!!!) the guy i dont' actually know ie. have never met... click click and go to the map thingy kk cuz it's realllllllyyyy cool! =) i'm the puppy in hong kong.. Yomi being eumie/ing =P =) out of the "shadows" hehehe =) tis very cool she has kinda like a chain of blogs going on in her one .... like... ahhh just go see for yourself =P =) and also sign the guestbook because that's what you do of course! oh sign my guestbook to while ur at it =) and Ivan's (i+a=lf) blog =) i was gonna link his australia page but meh just go and click on it in his link he has from his normal blog. i'm so lazy right now =P so yeah. more links =) i dun think i am the first to link any of these tho... so whcih is why i'm not like "wow look what i discovered!" =) heh =) but yeah all three are part of my semi daily blog reading routine =) so go. go now. bai =)
a.k.a. deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life. i was in a bit of a frizzle this afternoon thinking about courses and such... i don't even know where to begin ... luckily, once again g saves the day by discovering this miracle bookie thingy online that shows you all the courses and prereq. etc etc :
http://www.ouac.on.ca/info/index.htm -the "INFO 63 Fall 2002 edition booklet" click click..
i was so so so happy untiillllll.... i dunno what courses to take next year! what the heck they have so many of the same programs with different prerequisites. like... some need bio and some need physics. some need two maths and some need none. yet all this naming it the same program geez. [pause] *SCREAM*
ahhhh
and now that i'm a little bit more calm.... i finally added the links that i was gonna add.. one only recently, one a bit ago, and one a long time ago =P in no particular order Jedi Stranger (happy birthday dru!!!!) the guy i dont' actually know ie. have never met... click click and go to the map thingy kk cuz it's realllllllyyyy cool! =) i'm the puppy in hong kong.. Yomi being eumie/ing =P =) out of the "shadows" hehehe =) tis very cool she has kinda like a chain of blogs going on in her one .... like... ahhh just go see for yourself =P =) and also sign the guestbook because that's what you do of course! oh sign my guestbook to while ur at it =) and Ivan's (i+a=lf) blog =) i was gonna link his australia page but meh just go and click on it in his link he has from his normal blog. i'm so lazy right now =P so yeah. more links =) i dun think i am the first to link any of these tho... so whcih is why i'm not like "wow look what i discovered!" =) heh =) but yeah all three are part of my semi daily blog reading routine =) so go. go now. bai =)
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
ice
it's so cold today... freezing cold. whatever has melted in the warm weather in the past few days has once again frozen a solid icy state. being the absolute klutz that i am, i have fallen on this ice a number of times in the past few days. it isn't pleasant but i've picked myself up repeatedly without getting overly emotional about it and continued to walk despite the knowledge that i may fall again. this is the world i live in. the past few terms have proven to be icy and many may have noticed the numerous times in which i could not keep myself standing. and i've fallen again and again. but i *have*, with the help of my wonderful heavenly Father and a few amazing people, gotten up each time. i do not cease to move through life. i try not to cower and hide my bruises from others... now and again though i need to sigh and cry a little and freak out.
now is one of those times.
i never posted this but i "lost" my best friend a bit before christmas. yeah some of you might roll your eyes .. yes we've done this before. but this time... well i'm pretty sure it's forever this time. we are still close of course you dont' jsut cease to be close with someone youv'e been tight with since you were three years old... and yeah it's okay that we're not best friends anymore because it was a mutual decision to not say it but not play the role. yet sometimes it frustrates me to see how we've grown apart in some aspects. we talk. yeah. but ... i dunno it's not the same. i dont' think we can share *everything* with eachother anymore. or at least she doesnt' seem to want to share everything with me anymore.. which of course is fine. she isn't always the first person i tell things to anymore either. and most days it's okay and it's not a big deal. but some days like today i'll look at it and think "what happened?" right now at this very moment we are having an icq conversation. if that's what you'd like to call it. a "conversation" consisting of no real depth whatsoever. our icq conversations are actually always like that. but lately ... our in person ones have been like that too. and that scares me. i know it must sound so weird like i broke up with my boyfriend or whatever =P EW. but no... i'm okay. i'm not falling apart and dying but it still makes me sad when i remininsce about a girl who used to be my best friend .. someone who would know almost ALL my secrets and i hers... and now... now i read her blog and i have absolutely no idea what she is talking about.
it's so cold today... freezing cold. whatever has melted in the warm weather in the past few days has once again frozen a solid icy state. being the absolute klutz that i am, i have fallen on this ice a number of times in the past few days. it isn't pleasant but i've picked myself up repeatedly without getting overly emotional about it and continued to walk despite the knowledge that i may fall again. this is the world i live in. the past few terms have proven to be icy and many may have noticed the numerous times in which i could not keep myself standing. and i've fallen again and again. but i *have*, with the help of my wonderful heavenly Father and a few amazing people, gotten up each time. i do not cease to move through life. i try not to cower and hide my bruises from others... now and again though i need to sigh and cry a little and freak out.
now is one of those times.
i never posted this but i "lost" my best friend a bit before christmas. yeah some of you might roll your eyes .. yes we've done this before. but this time... well i'm pretty sure it's forever this time. we are still close of course you dont' jsut cease to be close with someone youv'e been tight with since you were three years old... and yeah it's okay that we're not best friends anymore because it was a mutual decision to not say it but not play the role. yet sometimes it frustrates me to see how we've grown apart in some aspects. we talk. yeah. but ... i dunno it's not the same. i dont' think we can share *everything* with eachother anymore. or at least she doesnt' seem to want to share everything with me anymore.. which of course is fine. she isn't always the first person i tell things to anymore either. and most days it's okay and it's not a big deal. but some days like today i'll look at it and think "what happened?" right now at this very moment we are having an icq conversation. if that's what you'd like to call it. a "conversation" consisting of no real depth whatsoever. our icq conversations are actually always like that. but lately ... our in person ones have been like that too. and that scares me. i know it must sound so weird like i broke up with my boyfriend or whatever =P EW. but no... i'm okay. i'm not falling apart and dying but it still makes me sad when i remininsce about a girl who used to be my best friend .. someone who would know almost ALL my secrets and i hers... and now... now i read her blog and i have absolutely no idea what she is talking about.
Monday, February 03, 2003
Buddy
CHEWY GOT ADOPTED!!! =) yayayayay =)
so no more going to that link for chewy... buttttt... i met and fell in love with someone on the weekend. his name is Buddy =) he's beautiful and has three legs because he got hit by a car while saving a baby. i love him. we were *meant* to be together we really are . ohhh... i wanna adopt him so badly.. we're soul mates.
CHEWY GOT ADOPTED!!! =) yayayayay =)
so no more going to that link for chewy... buttttt... i met and fell in love with someone on the weekend. his name is Buddy =) he's beautiful and has three legs because he got hit by a car while saving a baby. i love him. we were *meant* to be together we really are . ohhh... i wanna adopt him so badly.. we're soul mates.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
by the way...
Do you have feelings? Do you like to do good things? Do you like animals?
if you answered yes to any of the above questions please click here for a chance to make a life better.
Do you have feelings? Do you like to do good things? Do you like animals?
if you answered yes to any of the above questions please click here for a chance to make a life better.
ahhhh my guestbook is messing up i can't post on it =P
this is what i was gonna write:
angee: LOL i didn';t realize u haven't seen how it looks like omg i'll take more and post them for your viewing pleasure kekeke i like our wallpaper! well... actually in the very beginning i wanted to tear it down and paint the walls baby blue but my parents were like "noooo!!! auntie rebecca has a *special interior decorator* that made this! it'll take to much time to take down blabalbla but i ended up growing attached to the wallpaper because some of the patters look like turtles (i'll show u a pic lol) and yeah. i don't like the blinds =P we actually got new ones for me but they didn't fit so we were liek oh we'll get more later but we never did =P i guess if i ended up tearing down the wallpaper and painting it bbblue i'd want wooden blinds =) i like wooden blinds =) but yeah... the red blinds clash so much lol what kind of special interior decorator is this person? =P haha...
[it's cool cuz i live in angee's old house in her old room lol yeahhh so that's what that's all about hehehe... ]
I'm DONEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *gush* soooooo happy i'm finally free and i'm booked my weekend completely full of no work hehehe =) my latin exam wenntt... alright i guess. it's funny... i used to hate my latin class in the beginning of the year... i don't hate it so much anymore. i mean, granted a lot of the ppl are.... well they dont' ahve much in common with me ... but they are always so sweet to me even if i think they are *so* annoying and they most likely have their preconceptions about me. also i have a tight group of me, adri, tams, fiona, and tiff so that's always nice too... but yeah... i guess it goes to show that even tho ppl might seem really... strange... they can actually be pretty cool when it comes down to it... i dont' mean cool as in "popularity" cool i mean... like when u get to know someone better what makes them creepy to you may turn out to be jsut something taht is really normal becuase they are who they are. i guess. i dunno. but there are still some of the ppl there that i *can't stand* but i will work on that. anyways. the exam was okay.
i'm starving. *so* excited about lunch --- I LOVE SUSHI =) mmmmm....
this is what i was gonna write:
angee: LOL i didn';t realize u haven't seen how it looks like omg i'll take more and post them for your viewing pleasure kekeke i like our wallpaper! well... actually in the very beginning i wanted to tear it down and paint the walls baby blue but my parents were like "noooo!!! auntie rebecca has a *special interior decorator* that made this! it'll take to much time to take down blabalbla but i ended up growing attached to the wallpaper because some of the patters look like turtles (i'll show u a pic lol) and yeah. i don't like the blinds =P we actually got new ones for me but they didn't fit so we were liek oh we'll get more later but we never did =P i guess if i ended up tearing down the wallpaper and painting it bbblue i'd want wooden blinds =) i like wooden blinds =) but yeah... the red blinds clash so much lol what kind of special interior decorator is this person? =P haha...
[it's cool cuz i live in angee's old house in her old room lol yeahhh so that's what that's all about hehehe... ]
I'm DONEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *gush* soooooo happy i'm finally free and i'm booked my weekend completely full of no work hehehe =) my latin exam wenntt... alright i guess. it's funny... i used to hate my latin class in the beginning of the year... i don't hate it so much anymore. i mean, granted a lot of the ppl are.... well they dont' ahve much in common with me ... but they are always so sweet to me even if i think they are *so* annoying and they most likely have their preconceptions about me. also i have a tight group of me, adri, tams, fiona, and tiff so that's always nice too... but yeah... i guess it goes to show that even tho ppl might seem really... strange... they can actually be pretty cool when it comes down to it... i dont' mean cool as in "popularity" cool i mean... like when u get to know someone better what makes them creepy to you may turn out to be jsut something taht is really normal becuase they are who they are. i guess. i dunno. but there are still some of the ppl there that i *can't stand* but i will work on that. anyways. the exam was okay.
i'm starving. *so* excited about lunch --- I LOVE SUSHI =) mmmmm....
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
my exam went okay =) thanks to everyone for ur prayers =) GOD IS GOOD =) [all the time!]
and here is a picture of the freak fish =P
*anddddd* i got my GEETAR on the weekend!!!!! =) yayayayayayayay =) kekeke here's a pic of my new "baby" =)hehehe she's better looking in person and she sounds absolutely AMAZING.
yupz =) have so much to write/talk about... but will do it later cuz it doesn't really fit in at all with these pics haha...
current mood: it's swinging violently.
and here is a picture of the freak fish =P
*anddddd* i got my GEETAR on the weekend!!!!! =) yayayayayayayay =) kekeke here's a pic of my new "baby" =)hehehe she's better looking in person and she sounds absolutely AMAZING.
yupz =) have so much to write/talk about... but will do it later cuz it doesn't really fit in at all with these pics haha...
current mood: it's swinging violently.
if i could pick a time to die it would be right now.
i feel like i've had all the energy sucked out of me.
my math exam is today. actually it's in less than 6 hours. i can't believe i'm up. i'm debating on whether three hours of sleep will do me more good or bad. the reason i am blogging at this insane hour of the morning is because i wanted to inform ppl about this exam cuz--mad mad prayer needed please pray for me! i think i'm prepared but... just pray.
spiderman is rebuilding his bubblenest again. this is a really big one. i think i need to sleep. i apologize to people i've been mean to in the past few hours or whatever. gosh. i am so tired. going to sleep.
i feel like i've had all the energy sucked out of me.
my math exam is today. actually it's in less than 6 hours. i can't believe i'm up. i'm debating on whether three hours of sleep will do me more good or bad. the reason i am blogging at this insane hour of the morning is because i wanted to inform ppl about this exam cuz--mad mad prayer needed please pray for me! i think i'm prepared but... just pray.
spiderman is rebuilding his bubblenest again. this is a really big one. i think i need to sleep. i apologize to people i've been mean to in the past few hours or whatever. gosh. i am so tired. going to sleep.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
invasion
my dad and sister went and bought more fish. they got another fighting fish ... my sister picked that one out not surprisingly it looks almost exactly the same as spiderman except it's blue and black instead of red and blue. the other one. *well* . my dad supposedly picked this one out according to my sister and it is the SCARIEST thing *ever* i am so freaked out. it's sort of a goldfish... well i'm not sure if it's a goldfish or not. i think so though but it's eyes are like... there are like... *things*.. *poooofs* growing out of the side of it's head/eyes... like two tumors on either side of it's head or something oh my GOODNESS it's so scary and it just stares at me i'm just like *shudder* . wow serioulsy, i am so freaked out by this fish i will post a picture of him later for your viewing pleasure when i am able to actually go near it. yes i know i am a wimp =P it's somewhat cute i guess but NOT.
my dad and sister went and bought more fish. they got another fighting fish ... my sister picked that one out not surprisingly it looks almost exactly the same as spiderman except it's blue and black instead of red and blue. the other one. *well* . my dad supposedly picked this one out according to my sister and it is the SCARIEST thing *ever* i am so freaked out. it's sort of a goldfish... well i'm not sure if it's a goldfish or not. i think so though but it's eyes are like... there are like... *things*.. *poooofs* growing out of the side of it's head/eyes... like two tumors on either side of it's head or something oh my GOODNESS it's so scary and it just stares at me i'm just like *shudder* . wow serioulsy, i am so freaked out by this fish i will post a picture of him later for your viewing pleasure when i am able to actually go near it. yes i know i am a wimp =P it's somewhat cute i guess but NOT.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
droop
oh how i loathe this thing they call school... a future? pshaw! i dunno how i will be able to wake up tommorow morning =P
which is *fine* because that means i will miss my biology test. >_<
random thoughts for the day....
-how much would someone be willing to sacrifice[*risk* is a better word] to do something they like ...?
-change is unavoidable but we don't have to dive into it either.
-who makes sushi with cooked vegetables in it??!! apparently uw cafe ppl =P *barf*
-oh on the topic of sushi... amused gy's handrolls =)... and rotational angles lol ..
-mmm sushi *drool*
-and back to biology....
oh how i loathe this thing they call school... a future? pshaw! i dunno how i will be able to wake up tommorow morning =P
which is *fine* because that means i will miss my biology test. >_<
random thoughts for the day....
-how much would someone be willing to sacrifice[*risk* is a better word] to do something they like ...?
-change is unavoidable but we don't have to dive into it either.
-who makes sushi with cooked vegetables in it??!! apparently uw cafe ppl =P *barf*
-oh on the topic of sushi... amused gy's handrolls =)... and rotational angles lol ..
-mmm sushi *drool*
-and back to biology....
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Mr. Raymond Chen passed away early this morning... let's all take comfort in the knowledge that he's finally home with our Heavenly Father.
"ur telling me that there's no hope, i'm tellign you you're wrong, NEVER UNDERSESTIMATE MY JESUS, when the world around you crumbles, He will be strong" rk i know but....
last night everyone was worried about him... everyone was visiting him. except me. i stupidly decided to stay home and wait until today so i could go see him just before my volunteer shift at the hospital.
i even left school early today around 1:45 to catch the bus and be there with plenty of time to spend seeing him. upon arriving at the hospital i contemplated going to the gift shop to get him something before going up but since i realized i didn't really know what to get anyways, i decided to go straight up to the 5th floor.
stepping into the intensive care unit i peeked into the divisions looking for him or mrs. Chen... this searching was to no avail. anxiety suddenly filled my gut.. as a nurse asked if she could help me i quickly spewed out his name and asked her if she could help me find him. "are you a family member?" she asked politely... "umm.. no... a close family friend." ... sadness filled her eyes.. "i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Mr. chen passed away late last night/early this morning... it was peaceful and his family was with him." i stood there for a few seconds unable to speak. "are you alright?" she said with concern.. i nodded, thanked her and headed back down to the third floor. i guess i was tearing and stuff... but i dunno... it didn't really hit me. and then i called G[thankyou...] and when i started talkign to her i just completely started sobbing. i guess out of sorrow, anger, shock, and worry all rolled into one. sorrow because he's gone, anger because i didn't go visit last night and waited til today, shock from finding out from the nurse like that, and worry abotu how Mrs. Chen must be feeling. it jsut seems liek there has been so much sadness everywhere lately. i mean, my friend's mom died a few days before christmas and now this?! .. Mr. Chen and i .. although we talked sometimes were not like really really close or anything... but i've always been pretty close with Mrs. Chen. i can't even begin to imagine what she must feel like right now. gosh to be married to someone for such a long time... and my friend sam (the chen's grandson) he doesn't get into 'loo from bc until midnight tonight. how must he feel? there's just been a lot of sadness lately. sometimes i get nervous abotu being sad because people have told me it signifies distrust in God. but i was talking to vidaloca and she said something that is so extremely true: "well being sad isnt controllable on ur part.. but God can control it.. its not an instant thing where you can totally just lift everything to Him and he'll suddenly make you not sad.. but its recognising that God has that plan.. although its hard to see.." so ... how do i feel *now*? still sorrow, anger, and worry... but less because i know whatever happens it is all part of a grand scheme of things that i can not see. be that as it may i have not lost faith in God for whatever reasons and i am convinced that He will take the misery we feel and turn it into something greater and more wonderful than we can ever imagine. we just have to hold on until then.. lift eachother up.. and focus on Him. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"ur telling me that there's no hope, i'm tellign you you're wrong, NEVER UNDERSESTIMATE MY JESUS, when the world around you crumbles, He will be strong" rk i know but....
last night everyone was worried about him... everyone was visiting him. except me. i stupidly decided to stay home and wait until today so i could go see him just before my volunteer shift at the hospital.
i even left school early today around 1:45 to catch the bus and be there with plenty of time to spend seeing him. upon arriving at the hospital i contemplated going to the gift shop to get him something before going up but since i realized i didn't really know what to get anyways, i decided to go straight up to the 5th floor.
stepping into the intensive care unit i peeked into the divisions looking for him or mrs. Chen... this searching was to no avail. anxiety suddenly filled my gut.. as a nurse asked if she could help me i quickly spewed out his name and asked her if she could help me find him. "are you a family member?" she asked politely... "umm.. no... a close family friend." ... sadness filled her eyes.. "i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but Mr. chen passed away late last night/early this morning... it was peaceful and his family was with him." i stood there for a few seconds unable to speak. "are you alright?" she said with concern.. i nodded, thanked her and headed back down to the third floor. i guess i was tearing and stuff... but i dunno... it didn't really hit me. and then i called G[thankyou...] and when i started talkign to her i just completely started sobbing. i guess out of sorrow, anger, shock, and worry all rolled into one. sorrow because he's gone, anger because i didn't go visit last night and waited til today, shock from finding out from the nurse like that, and worry abotu how Mrs. Chen must be feeling. it jsut seems liek there has been so much sadness everywhere lately. i mean, my friend's mom died a few days before christmas and now this?! .. Mr. Chen and i .. although we talked sometimes were not like really really close or anything... but i've always been pretty close with Mrs. Chen. i can't even begin to imagine what she must feel like right now. gosh to be married to someone for such a long time... and my friend sam (the chen's grandson) he doesn't get into 'loo from bc until midnight tonight. how must he feel? there's just been a lot of sadness lately. sometimes i get nervous abotu being sad because people have told me it signifies distrust in God. but i was talking to vidaloca and she said something that is so extremely true: "well being sad isnt controllable on ur part.. but God can control it.. its not an instant thing where you can totally just lift everything to Him and he'll suddenly make you not sad.. but its recognising that God has that plan.. although its hard to see.." so ... how do i feel *now*? still sorrow, anger, and worry... but less because i know whatever happens it is all part of a grand scheme of things that i can not see. be that as it may i have not lost faith in God for whatever reasons and i am convinced that He will take the misery we feel and turn it into something greater and more wonderful than we can ever imagine. we just have to hold on until then.. lift eachother up.. and focus on Him. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
Sunday, January 12, 2003
sunday lalala =) i love sunday =)
i got to hang out with timmie poo lol today =) well him and a lot of ppl but i mainly had a good conversation with him which was great .. great to see him too =) it was funny... i just realized that he was 28 meaning 12 years older than me LOL so he's like "1986!??! i remember my favourite song from 1986 and listening to it while iw asdoing my paper route!" lol so weird.. but it was cool what he said after he said he didn't feel the age gap and did i? no... i dont' feel it either.. and he goes you know why? cuz you're mature for your age and i'm immature so we meet somewhere in the middle lol =) we're both actually 22 =P hahaha... =) it was funny =) but i *still* dont' blelieve maturity is bound to age NOPE NOPE! maturity is somewhat bound to experience though.. which does connect to age somewhat.. although i have friends who are sixteen and have a great deal more experience than some people who is thirty or whatever..but i am reserving another entry to rant about age and maturity hehe
simple
i "taught" sunday school today hehehe twas fun hanging out with kadin, elizabeth, karen, and joshua =) it's cool they're ages 5, 6, 7, and 8 (josh, karen, kadin, lizzie) yes. small things amuse small minds =P .. but yeah we had some fun chilling and talking about loving your enemies.. i think i learned something. i think i know all the principles etc.. but josh, kare, liz and kadin are really good at applying it to real life.. i mean, right away elizabeth's like "i hate my teacher. she yells too much" and i'm just like "yay! that's a way you can practice loving ur enemy!" and stuff.. like.. for me.. i know "love your enemies" it's been drilled into my head over and over for how many years in the church but i still see myself struggling with it even today... getting really really testy with the children's service coordinator who seems to thing he rules the universe and expects me to take up his responsibilities last minute.. or with my family rushing to church in the morning ... or with the last person who made some stupid age remark...or with the people who i have been struggling not to hate for the past week .. hard to keep a fake smile on. but i realized something from sunday school. it's not about pretending to like them.. it's about loving them. "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." that's something we talked about.. one of the ways to love your enemies is to pray for them. in that way.. they sort of become your friends. because you care abotu them enough to want good to come to them. i think that if i turn my mentality in this way it'll be better. turn them into friends that i am concerned about instead of people who i despise. and somehow those ppl that i have been struggling to put a happy face on for change from being a struggle to something natural. =) simple. things are so simple. thankyou to kadin, liz, karen, and josh for showing me that today =)
i got to hang out with timmie poo lol today =) well him and a lot of ppl but i mainly had a good conversation with him which was great .. great to see him too =) it was funny... i just realized that he was 28 meaning 12 years older than me LOL so he's like "1986!??! i remember my favourite song from 1986 and listening to it while iw asdoing my paper route!" lol so weird.. but it was cool what he said after he said he didn't feel the age gap and did i? no... i dont' feel it either.. and he goes you know why? cuz you're mature for your age and i'm immature so we meet somewhere in the middle lol =) we're both actually 22 =P hahaha... =) it was funny =) but i *still* dont' blelieve maturity is bound to age NOPE NOPE! maturity is somewhat bound to experience though.. which does connect to age somewhat.. although i have friends who are sixteen and have a great deal more experience than some people who is thirty or whatever..but i am reserving another entry to rant about age and maturity hehe
simple
i "taught" sunday school today hehehe twas fun hanging out with kadin, elizabeth, karen, and joshua =) it's cool they're ages 5, 6, 7, and 8 (josh, karen, kadin, lizzie) yes. small things amuse small minds =P .. but yeah we had some fun chilling and talking about loving your enemies.. i think i learned something. i think i know all the principles etc.. but josh, kare, liz and kadin are really good at applying it to real life.. i mean, right away elizabeth's like "i hate my teacher. she yells too much" and i'm just like "yay! that's a way you can practice loving ur enemy!" and stuff.. like.. for me.. i know "love your enemies" it's been drilled into my head over and over for how many years in the church but i still see myself struggling with it even today... getting really really testy with the children's service coordinator who seems to thing he rules the universe and expects me to take up his responsibilities last minute.. or with my family rushing to church in the morning ... or with the last person who made some stupid age remark...or with the people who i have been struggling not to hate for the past week .. hard to keep a fake smile on. but i realized something from sunday school. it's not about pretending to like them.. it's about loving them. "bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." that's something we talked about.. one of the ways to love your enemies is to pray for them. in that way.. they sort of become your friends. because you care abotu them enough to want good to come to them. i think that if i turn my mentality in this way it'll be better. turn them into friends that i am concerned about instead of people who i despise. and somehow those ppl that i have been struggling to put a happy face on for change from being a struggle to something natural. =) simple. things are so simple. thankyou to kadin, liz, karen, and josh for showing me that today =)
Saturday, January 11, 2003
why?
and once again i am filled with false hope. like cherry coke you fill me with air that tricks me into believing i am satisfied and yet moments later you will dash my dreams and make me crave your presence once again.. the sweet taste only just lingering there reminding me of how much i want you to be there. i search everywhere for you. at every vending machine turning my head twice to see those black letters read your name. anticipating. waiting. waiting for the time that i will no longer be some sort of shadow in the back of your mind. why did you have to lift the reciever? like your hand has cast some sort of magic spell over me and as you spoke joy and relief rushed into me like a wave of moisture in the driest desert. and yet those few precious moments had to fade away so quickly... but not without a promise... the promise of return. at first, i could think of nothing more i wanted to do than to throw my arms around you in fond embrace however impossible but now... now i am just angry. "don't make me promises! baby you never did know how to keep them well" but your voice... i almost believe you. "is this how it ends with a simple telephone call?.. you leave me here, with nothing at all."
but still... "you know i'd walk a thousand miles if i could just see you..."
i miss you.
and once again i am filled with false hope. like cherry coke you fill me with air that tricks me into believing i am satisfied and yet moments later you will dash my dreams and make me crave your presence once again.. the sweet taste only just lingering there reminding me of how much i want you to be there. i search everywhere for you. at every vending machine turning my head twice to see those black letters read your name. anticipating. waiting. waiting for the time that i will no longer be some sort of shadow in the back of your mind. why did you have to lift the reciever? like your hand has cast some sort of magic spell over me and as you spoke joy and relief rushed into me like a wave of moisture in the driest desert. and yet those few precious moments had to fade away so quickly... but not without a promise... the promise of return. at first, i could think of nothing more i wanted to do than to throw my arms around you in fond embrace however impossible but now... now i am just angry. "don't make me promises! baby you never did know how to keep them well" but your voice... i almost believe you. "is this how it ends with a simple telephone call?.. you leave me here, with nothing at all."
but still... "you know i'd walk a thousand miles if i could just see you..."
i miss you.
yay for matt in saying diana krall is not infamous and beautiful! but i am not going to say anything else because i don't want to insult anyone =)
you know who *is* infamous and beautiful? and talented and sexy and wonderful? .. my future husband. yes that's correct...Ewan Macgregor. if you don't know who he is he happens to be in the best movie in the entire world.. Moulin Rouge. =) hehehe.. i've been sort of obsessive over him and moulin rouge lately... watched it like five times last week =P.. I LOVE IT! ^_^ "The greatest thing you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return!"
longing for love... =P
haha.. ahhhhh i want a formal date... =P i am having some love problems.. =P but i'm not the only one... Spiderman is also moping about with me about *his* love life which is sadly stopped by a barrier of glass.. =P twas interesting... cuz just yesterday jo, dora, kat and i were discussing fish mating and then at night while i was talking about Spiderman's bubbles [he's been blowing alot of bubbles] Euming somehow found this site that completely explains both the bubbles and the fish-mating it says [ this is for fighting fish]: The male's courtship display both intimidates rivals and attracts females. If he is unsure of the other fishes sex, the male waits for it to respond; if it is a female, she folds her fins to indicate interest, whereas if it is a male, he attacks. Before courting, the male builds a nest for the eggs by blowing sticky mucus bubbles that bind together and form a raft. The eggs stick to the underside of the raft, safe from predators and close to oxygen. After the male performs this display, he leads the female under the nest. He entwines himself around her and turns her on her back. She releases eggs into the water, which he then fertilizes. The eggs are laid in small batches, and as they are released, they sink down through the water. The male catches them in his mouth and blows them up into the sticky nest. He guards the nest until the eggs hatch. [ladywildlife] so anyways... that solves the "mystery" ... ew... i thought it was so cute that he was blowing bubbles before hahaha turns out he's just as lonely for love as me.. =P we've both been napping alot too =P .. i have so much in common with this fish. HAHAHA... =P
oh my goodness i forgot to mention this... ahhh this should really take a seperate entry on its own... but I GOT A NEW ENGLISH TEACHER! .. i know what you're thinking... "what's the big deal about that?" but .. i got Mr. Ball. *who* is mr. ball you ask?... WELLLL... let me tell you... Mr. Ball is seriously *the* most attractive man in the teaching business. He is *SO HOT* wow. well he has nice features.. nice brown hair... flawless skin... very cut body ... a smile that makes you want to MELT. *heartflutter* ... but it's really his personality that turns me on. i would *so* marry this guy if it was legal =P. he's really passionate about stuff.. sometimes when he talks he'll like semi yell cuz he gets really into it... he got 97% on his LSAT!!! smart guy! but he chose to go to teacher's college instead because he wants to help people! awwwwww... he said "if i can go to bed at night knowing i maybe helped one student... life is worth living" somethign like that anyways... *drool* ... he's coaching rugby too!! but... sadly sadly not the girls... =P ... at least he won't have to see me sweat like a pig. i respect him a lot... i mean aside from him knowing so much and being able to hold a great discussion with our normally unenthusiastic english class and him being so passionate about issues... he said this "I don't expect you to respect me until i have *shown* you i respect *you*. And until i have proven to you that i deserve your respect. I respect people who respect me and i respect people who speak their minds" OH MY GOSH!!! i love that! that's exactly how i think! like.. if a teacher respects me and shows me that s/he is worthy of my respect that's when i give it. and he has that very right in his mind. yayayayay and i SO respect him =) plus HI MR BALL I SPEAK MY MIND!!!!!!!! i speak my mind too much... but, hey, if he likes it... =) okay. now it is time to stop being giddy about my english teacher. Actually, please pray for my *old* english teacher Ms. Catherine Dewitte. she's gonna be gone til at least march maybe the end of the year becuase she's sick.. at first i thought it was her knee problem but the other day when someone was saying somethin abotu how she never taught anything Mr. Ball was like "yeah... cut her some slack.. she's a very sick woman and i think she's been like htis for quite some time which is probably why she didn't really teach" so i'm thinking it's her depression or whatever it is that she takes pills.. she's such a sweet lady... i think she's been through alot... or at least that's what i gather from my conversations with her. i';m sure God will take care of her though...
you know who *is* infamous and beautiful? and talented and sexy and wonderful? .. my future husband. yes that's correct...Ewan Macgregor. if you don't know who he is he happens to be in the best movie in the entire world.. Moulin Rouge. =) hehehe.. i've been sort of obsessive over him and moulin rouge lately... watched it like five times last week =P.. I LOVE IT! ^_^ "The greatest thing you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return!"
longing for love... =P
haha.. ahhhhh i want a formal date... =P i am having some love problems.. =P but i'm not the only one... Spiderman is also moping about with me about *his* love life which is sadly stopped by a barrier of glass.. =P twas interesting... cuz just yesterday jo, dora, kat and i were discussing fish mating and then at night while i was talking about Spiderman's bubbles [he's been blowing alot of bubbles] Euming somehow found this site that completely explains both the bubbles and the fish-mating it says [ this is for fighting fish]: The male's courtship display both intimidates rivals and attracts females. If he is unsure of the other fishes sex, the male waits for it to respond; if it is a female, she folds her fins to indicate interest, whereas if it is a male, he attacks. Before courting, the male builds a nest for the eggs by blowing sticky mucus bubbles that bind together and form a raft. The eggs stick to the underside of the raft, safe from predators and close to oxygen. After the male performs this display, he leads the female under the nest. He entwines himself around her and turns her on her back. She releases eggs into the water, which he then fertilizes. The eggs are laid in small batches, and as they are released, they sink down through the water. The male catches them in his mouth and blows them up into the sticky nest. He guards the nest until the eggs hatch. [ladywildlife] so anyways... that solves the "mystery" ... ew... i thought it was so cute that he was blowing bubbles before hahaha turns out he's just as lonely for love as me.. =P we've both been napping alot too =P .. i have so much in common with this fish. HAHAHA... =P
oh my goodness i forgot to mention this... ahhh this should really take a seperate entry on its own... but I GOT A NEW ENGLISH TEACHER! .. i know what you're thinking... "what's the big deal about that?" but .. i got Mr. Ball. *who* is mr. ball you ask?... WELLLL... let me tell you... Mr. Ball is seriously *the* most attractive man in the teaching business. He is *SO HOT* wow. well he has nice features.. nice brown hair... flawless skin... very cut body ... a smile that makes you want to MELT. *heartflutter* ... but it's really his personality that turns me on. i would *so* marry this guy if it was legal =P. he's really passionate about stuff.. sometimes when he talks he'll like semi yell cuz he gets really into it... he got 97% on his LSAT!!! smart guy! but he chose to go to teacher's college instead because he wants to help people! awwwwww... he said "if i can go to bed at night knowing i maybe helped one student... life is worth living" somethign like that anyways... *drool* ... he's coaching rugby too!! but... sadly sadly not the girls... =P ... at least he won't have to see me sweat like a pig. i respect him a lot... i mean aside from him knowing so much and being able to hold a great discussion with our normally unenthusiastic english class and him being so passionate about issues... he said this "I don't expect you to respect me until i have *shown* you i respect *you*. And until i have proven to you that i deserve your respect. I respect people who respect me and i respect people who speak their minds" OH MY GOSH!!! i love that! that's exactly how i think! like.. if a teacher respects me and shows me that s/he is worthy of my respect that's when i give it. and he has that very right in his mind. yayayayay and i SO respect him =) plus HI MR BALL I SPEAK MY MIND!!!!!!!! i speak my mind too much... but, hey, if he likes it... =) okay. now it is time to stop being giddy about my english teacher. Actually, please pray for my *old* english teacher Ms. Catherine Dewitte. she's gonna be gone til at least march maybe the end of the year becuase she's sick.. at first i thought it was her knee problem but the other day when someone was saying somethin abotu how she never taught anything Mr. Ball was like "yeah... cut her some slack.. she's a very sick woman and i think she's been like htis for quite some time which is probably why she didn't really teach" so i'm thinking it's her depression or whatever it is that she takes pills.. she's such a sweet lady... i think she's been through alot... or at least that's what i gather from my conversations with her. i';m sure God will take care of her though...
Thursday, January 09, 2003
amused
i am thankful for the things and people that made me laugh today ...
at lunch, to avoid a certain boy figuring out that we were talkign about him [i was talking about him and he walked over without my noticing and everyone was like shut up shutup!!] i began rambling about fish. it went a little something like this:
Jasy: so he walked in to my hist.... my room. and i was like "what are you doing here? this is my room."
Dora: oh you mean your ... ummm .. father?
Jasy: yes yes. he said he left his fish in my room. i was just like "you haven't come back since i was FIVE!!! why are you suddenly coming back into my life NOW?!?!"
Dora: yeah.. he left you and your mom and your baby.
Jo: that you had with your fish.
[at this point the guy leaves and we stop having a make believe conversation lol]
Jasy: so yeah he came into my history room this morning...
Dora: i can't believe you had a baby with a fish! you disgust me! lol ... do fish mate with their gills? [she was totally serious]
Jasy: NO!!!! they *breathe* with their gills! ... the male fish *shoots* it out and the female catches it with...
Jo: OH MY GOSH!!! NOOOO!!! the female LAYS the eggs and *then* the male fertilizes them!!! O_o
[INCONTROLABLE LAUGHTER]ditz day! anyways.. i dont' know why i thought the male shot it out. -_- but at least i didnt' think they used their gills =P
Dora: kat, what did *you* think?
Kat: i don't really think....
Dora: no you don't.
lol lol we are such weirdos . =)
i have so much more to say...but it's more serious so i'll post later to keep this entry as pure fun =)
i am thankful for the things and people that made me laugh today ...
at lunch, to avoid a certain boy figuring out that we were talkign about him [i was talking about him and he walked over without my noticing and everyone was like shut up shutup!!] i began rambling about fish. it went a little something like this:
Jasy: so he walked in to my hist.... my room. and i was like "what are you doing here? this is my room."
Dora: oh you mean your ... ummm .. father?
Jasy: yes yes. he said he left his fish in my room. i was just like "you haven't come back since i was FIVE!!! why are you suddenly coming back into my life NOW?!?!"
Dora: yeah.. he left you and your mom and your baby.
Jo: that you had with your fish.
[at this point the guy leaves and we stop having a make believe conversation lol]
Jasy: so yeah he came into my history room this morning...
Dora: i can't believe you had a baby with a fish! you disgust me! lol ... do fish mate with their gills? [she was totally serious]
Jasy: NO!!!! they *breathe* with their gills! ... the male fish *shoots* it out and the female catches it with...
Jo: OH MY GOSH!!! NOOOO!!! the female LAYS the eggs and *then* the male fertilizes them!!! O_o
[INCONTROLABLE LAUGHTER]ditz day! anyways.. i dont' know why i thought the male shot it out. -_- but at least i didnt' think they used their gills =P
Dora: kat, what did *you* think?
Kat: i don't really think....
Dora: no you don't.
lol lol we are such weirdos . =)
i have so much more to say...but it's more serious so i'll post later to keep this entry as pure fun =)
got some coffee with gy today at will's ... [was good to see u again] lol *loser sign* it's only been two weeks *roll eyes at myself*
i'm treasuring conversations lately... i think it's because i'm not having many "real" ones lately.. i mean, yes real conversations but less about more deeper things and more of those ones about "stuff" ya know.. i dunno lyds was blogging about it. like when you talk abotu computers or something. i guess that's a real conversation but i feel like i'm somewhat wasting my time because i'm not exactly developing my relationships much. although i supposed it could be argued that talking about computers is learnign about the person's interests. but i dunno. i'd rather talk about issues/feelings/etc... just me. i think i'm too "feely".
and... it's Geeko Freako Month! =P that's right... guess what i just did? i made myself an exam study schedule =P lol what a loser eh? well i'm taking my future into my own hands =P but yeah... i can't wait til this month is over.. i don't like school not one little bit. especially not around this time of year.
i'm treasuring conversations lately... i think it's because i'm not having many "real" ones lately.. i mean, yes real conversations but less about more deeper things and more of those ones about "stuff" ya know.. i dunno lyds was blogging about it. like when you talk abotu computers or something. i guess that's a real conversation but i feel like i'm somewhat wasting my time because i'm not exactly developing my relationships much. although i supposed it could be argued that talking about computers is learnign about the person's interests. but i dunno. i'd rather talk about issues/feelings/etc... just me. i think i'm too "feely".
and... it's Geeko Freako Month! =P that's right... guess what i just did? i made myself an exam study schedule =P lol what a loser eh? well i'm taking my future into my own hands =P but yeah... i can't wait til this month is over.. i don't like school not one little bit. especially not around this time of year.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
dumbos
this little bum grade nine just threw snow at my head. well it wasn't on purpose he was throwing it at his friend and missed.grrrr... i didn't like that one little bit. what was he doing outside anyways? GO TO CLASS haha.. well i guess i shouldn't talk i'm out of study again haha but i have a legitimate reason! ie. volunteering yo! =) but i don't have to catch my bus yet so i'm blogging keke =)
woes: formal is in a month...
i need a ... date, a dress, cash, shoes.
pathetic.
this little bum grade nine just threw snow at my head. well it wasn't on purpose he was throwing it at his friend and missed.grrrr... i didn't like that one little bit. what was he doing outside anyways? GO TO CLASS haha.. well i guess i shouldn't talk i'm out of study again haha but i have a legitimate reason! ie. volunteering yo! =) but i don't have to catch my bus yet so i'm blogging keke =)
woes: formal is in a month...
i need a ... date, a dress, cash, shoes.
pathetic.
Sunday, January 05, 2003
noooooo
guess where i get to go tommorow? O_o school. ahhhhhhhh....
feeling: dread.
i had a nice conversation with spiderman again today when i got home... i had a lot on my mind... i love how he swims right up to me or near the top of the tank in front of me like he's trying to hear me better through the water or something hehe... i'm gonna miss him so much i'm not being a freak i'm serious =P ... i play him songs too =) he likes Moulin Rouge just as much as i do. =)
don't like: life stages
i dont' like life stages. why? it separates people. how scary is it when you have close close friends who have moved on to a different life stage and suddenly... it's like things are changing. i always say... age doesn't matter. and it doesn't. and i dont' think life stages should matter if ur friendship is really strong either... but it's harder to stay as close as you are when they move away and go through totally different experiences you've never gone through... creates sort of a separation that was never there.. i feared this. now it's beginning. i miss you sometimes even when you're right next to me and i'm talking to you. am i a stranger to you?
should do devos and sleep... doing devotions every nite is one of my new years resolutions =) gnite
guess where i get to go tommorow? O_o school. ahhhhhhhh....
feeling: dread.
i had a nice conversation with spiderman again today when i got home... i had a lot on my mind... i love how he swims right up to me or near the top of the tank in front of me like he's trying to hear me better through the water or something hehe... i'm gonna miss him so much i'm not being a freak i'm serious =P ... i play him songs too =) he likes Moulin Rouge just as much as i do. =)
don't like: life stages
i dont' like life stages. why? it separates people. how scary is it when you have close close friends who have moved on to a different life stage and suddenly... it's like things are changing. i always say... age doesn't matter. and it doesn't. and i dont' think life stages should matter if ur friendship is really strong either... but it's harder to stay as close as you are when they move away and go through totally different experiences you've never gone through... creates sort of a separation that was never there.. i feared this. now it's beginning. i miss you sometimes even when you're right next to me and i'm talking to you. am i a stranger to you?
should do devos and sleep... doing devotions every nite is one of my new years resolutions =) gnite
winter wonderland
at long last... SNOWBOARDING today!!! =) LOL... not exactly what i anticipated =) ... bright and early tiff, ray, jo, and i set off in ray's rumbly car to chicopee hehehe =) so we got our snowboards and stuff the boots smelled SO BAD gosh man... u think they would like... somehow let them druy out or something before giving them back out to customers...so ... we got our boards and went out.. we walked up the bunny hill a bit and did a run... [i have never been on a snowboard in my life] so i'm gliding down the hill weeeeeee... wow man i'm actually okay at... AHHHH!!! BOOOOM! FLIP... CRASH! owwwwww..... this happened for like an hour and a half and then i finally decided to switch my board for skis cuz i can ski and i thot i'd have more fun than just falling falling falling all day and staying on the bunny hill all day =P =) plus i figured i'd just get buffy to actually teach me how to board later =) hehe.. thanks buffy =) so yeah.. i went to switch and they made me pay FIVE BUCKS just to switch! what a rip off especially since snowboards are already more expensive than ski rentals! =P geez.. and then when i finally got thru we decided to have lunch and jo, tiff and ray all decided to switch too .. jo got skis and tiff and ray got *snowblades* so cool =) tiff and ray didn't have to pay!!!!!!! [apparently because ray is "lang jie" hahahaha but jo had to pay 5.75!!! aiiiii... it's corrupt i tells ya.. =P .. so yeah we had a lot more fun the rest of the day cuz we actually got to go on some better hills such as Front HAHAHAH which we went on like 50 bazillion times ... tiff couldn't stop on her snowblades so when she was about to crash in to a fence ray caught her and some like 10 year old girls were giggling at them LOL so jokes =) ... anyways it was really fun =) had a really good time chilling with ray tiff and jo .. yeah .. went back to loo chilled at ray's for a bit had some pizza yummm and looked thru yearbooks and pics and stuff and then went to st. cinn's and met up with heidi kat[kat's back!!!!] dora wallace kare[karen's back!!!!] waiki and alex and then after went to heidi and jo's and me jo kat dora heidi and karen had some girl talk time =) hehehe haven't done that in a while =) ahhh we're all so weird i just realized =) okay not *just* realized but yeahhhh... we were "reminincing" too... back in the day when all of us weren't in university and so different than we are now... it's interesting to see how friendships develope.. anyways... that's my update.. will post chicopee pics soon =)
at long last... SNOWBOARDING today!!! =) LOL... not exactly what i anticipated =) ... bright and early tiff, ray, jo, and i set off in ray's rumbly car to chicopee hehehe =) so we got our snowboards and stuff the boots smelled SO BAD gosh man... u think they would like... somehow let them druy out or something before giving them back out to customers...so ... we got our boards and went out.. we walked up the bunny hill a bit and did a run... [i have never been on a snowboard in my life] so i'm gliding down the hill weeeeeee... wow man i'm actually okay at... AHHHH!!! BOOOOM! FLIP... CRASH! owwwwww..... this happened for like an hour and a half and then i finally decided to switch my board for skis cuz i can ski and i thot i'd have more fun than just falling falling falling all day and staying on the bunny hill all day =P =) plus i figured i'd just get buffy to actually teach me how to board later =) hehe.. thanks buffy =) so yeah.. i went to switch and they made me pay FIVE BUCKS just to switch! what a rip off especially since snowboards are already more expensive than ski rentals! =P geez.. and then when i finally got thru we decided to have lunch and jo, tiff and ray all decided to switch too .. jo got skis and tiff and ray got *snowblades* so cool =) tiff and ray didn't have to pay!!!!!!! [apparently because ray is "lang jie" hahahaha but jo had to pay 5.75!!! aiiiii... it's corrupt i tells ya.. =P .. so yeah we had a lot more fun the rest of the day cuz we actually got to go on some better hills such as Front HAHAHAH which we went on like 50 bazillion times ... tiff couldn't stop on her snowblades so when she was about to crash in to a fence ray caught her and some like 10 year old girls were giggling at them LOL so jokes =) ... anyways it was really fun =) had a really good time chilling with ray tiff and jo .. yeah .. went back to loo chilled at ray's for a bit had some pizza yummm and looked thru yearbooks and pics and stuff and then went to st. cinn's and met up with heidi kat[kat's back!!!!] dora wallace kare[karen's back!!!!] waiki and alex and then after went to heidi and jo's and me jo kat dora heidi and karen had some girl talk time =) hehehe haven't done that in a while =) ahhh we're all so weird i just realized =) okay not *just* realized but yeahhhh... we were "reminincing" too... back in the day when all of us weren't in university and so different than we are now... it's interesting to see how friendships develope.. anyways... that's my update.. will post chicopee pics soon =)
Thursday, January 02, 2003
2003
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! =) ... i forgot to post that i got over that last little spazz on the 31st teehee i do that too much =) overreact to little things. but at least i didn't say anything mean to anyone =) wow. i think that was my last spaz of 2002! here's some other lasts:
last thing i had to drink: sparkling grape juice hehehe alchohol subsititute ^_~ i'm underaged =P *goodygoody*
last song i listened to: Dance with Me : 112
last movie i saw: on video: Ice Age in theatres: Two Towers
last person i talked to: jo i think
hehe.. ummm... FIRSTS! of 2003...
first drink: sparkling grape juice again! haha..
first movie i watched: MOULIN ROUGE!!!!! [only the best movie in the entire world ... COME WHAT MAAAAAAYYYYY................] *^_^*
ooohh!!! forgot to put: Last accomplishment of 2002: I GOT MY G1!!!!!! FInALLLLLLLLYYYYY wei anyone wanna take me driving??! ^_^
[hint hint nudge nudge to you know who you are hehehee =P]
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! =) ... i forgot to post that i got over that last little spazz on the 31st teehee i do that too much =) overreact to little things. but at least i didn't say anything mean to anyone =) wow. i think that was my last spaz of 2002! here's some other lasts:
last thing i had to drink: sparkling grape juice hehehe alchohol subsititute ^_~ i'm underaged =P *goodygoody*
last song i listened to: Dance with Me : 112
last movie i saw: on video: Ice Age in theatres: Two Towers
last person i talked to: jo i think
hehe.. ummm... FIRSTS! of 2003...
first drink: sparkling grape juice again! haha..
first movie i watched: MOULIN ROUGE!!!!! [only the best movie in the entire world ... COME WHAT MAAAAAAYYYYY................] *^_^*
ooohh!!! forgot to put: Last accomplishment of 2002: I GOT MY G1!!!!!! FInALLLLLLLLYYYYY wei anyone wanna take me driving??! ^_^
[hint hint nudge nudge to you know who you are hehehee =P]
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