i got contacts!!!!! :D keekeekerker
yayay!no more squinting!!!

oh yeah!i forgot to post this link-- the Christian fellowship at my school...currently called ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship---tell me if you can think of something better... we're trying to come up with a new name):

http://wci-iscf.blogspot.com

checkit out..not much there yet butjust you wait!!! :)

HAPPY BDAy WAIKILEE :)
kekeke..
hope you had the best one ever :)

it is nice

it is nice to empty
out a bottle of seven days

HAPPY BDAY CLARA BO BEARA! :D

had dim sum w dora adrian and viv today :)
i love dimsum :)

crystal palace changed their spring rolls. it's gross now... it's got TARO inside of it *gag* *double gag*

so this morning ... like SO early...
jo kat tiff alex and i boarded the Go-Bus (train doesn't run on saturdays! :( ) to the t-dot for the Ontario University Fair :)
was quite cool got some bookies, asked some questions got some free stuf f:) ...
nippissing was really cool ... they took our picture with a poloroid camera so we could keep it as a souvineer even though none of us will go to north bay for university.
my second favourite display was queens... the had it with their campus set up as a life size back drop... and park benches displayed on a green with black street lamps teasing you as you walked by thinking "i'm at queens... but i'm inside heeee" it was definitely cool :) i want my room to look like that ... yeah... ran in to becky and amie! :)

after we finished getting everythign we walked back to Union Station to take the subway to the Eaton Centre (thanks aj!).... annnnnd we saw the WALK OF FAME!!!
HEEEE!!! okay shut up it's exciting for a bunch of looers :P so basically we spent the rest of the time shopping cept that jo and alex left early :( ... i bought some stuff :) including two novels -- Fall on Your Knees and White Oleander (which i am done 1/5 of and i think is already beginning to replace She's Come Undone as my fav novel) ... i've wanted to read white oleander for SO LONG. bah hanve't seen the movie either :)
so it was QUITE a fun day :) but veryvery tiring...

went to mikey's for dinner had my usual. heard sandra came to waterloo today. sipped my bubble tea. talked to amanda. dora came in with marius henry brendan and marius's friend kevin. left. came home. read white oleander. and am typing this blog now hoping my heart will not collapse in to a pile of dust. afraid of hatred like that of ingrid.

shiver. how creepy is ingrid man...

how is it that we have only one year left .. less than that and the four of us can't spend one freaking day all together? ... ugh. whatever.

umok so correction abraham wasn't going to *joyfully* kill his son
but like
i can't find a better example :P

grrrrrrr
okay so Concept results were posted thismorning. and having A spare i went to check them out... yeah i made it. but i'm in the freaking choir AGAIN!!!!
bah!! ...i guess i just have to face it. i'm just a choir girl, and i always will be.

had a good day today :)

chilled with adrian hahaha ... so funny... bbt and lots of laughs :)
while walking i remarked about how i could sorta see my breath a bit... coldness coming in ... waterloo weather is nice righ tnow... a little chilly but ... perfect. i love autumn crispness. this is the best season :) ... so gorgeous. with crackly leaves under your feet that you step on just to hear them crackle because it's such a beautiful sound. and you get to buy those new boots and classy new pants and tops because it's getting colder... oh the joys of fall... now if only there wasn't school to dread.

came to realize some things tonight while talking to mike... not going to explain the conversation but it was a big wake up call for my spiritual life... which i think is starting to lag without my knowing... so sneaky :P ... gotta get those devos going again... gotta get rid of some sins that are holding me back... and yeah gotta thing about some stuff...
"pretend that God is telling you to [give up something really important to you]
how do you react?if it's any other way than with joy, then we've got something to work on...if we obey God with anything less than joy, then we've got a problem"
it reminded me of Abraham and Isaac... that Abraham would hve (joyfully) killed his own son because God commanded him to...
how do i get that kind of love and submission to Him? and how do i get that kind of direction in life from God... how can i know His will at all times?
because i know that i want to follow Him.. and i want to do His will... but it is not always joyfully that i do it... i guess i hold too tightly still to wordly things... and sometimes i can't even distinguish what His will is!...
id unno.. that frustrates me ... but i guess ijust need to pray abotu it and in the mean time make sure that i am offering my WHOLE heart to God and not just part of it.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

i shut my eyes so tight and wish... wish a million paradise sushi rolls that i won't care.
that each day will be just another day. that each moment will be just another moment. that each person will just be another sillouhette in passing.

"from now on it will just be
me, standing at the edge glaring at
you, as if i didn’t care

when in fact i do
i want to hear you thinking
of me, even when i forget
to think back in return"
~kalypsobekka

R.I.P. chippy the chipmunk... :*(

happy birthday miss sandy kun!! :)

western rep came to school today ... kat and i went to see what western was all about hehe :P ...
id unno if i want to go there... mybe.. but it's not my first choice i dont' think...
OHHHHHH university is so stressful!

ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship) had it's first meeting this morning... :)
hehe was a pretty good turnout like 30 ppl :) niceway to start the day ...although earlY! ... something Jon said stuck out inmy head "If you light yourself on fire, people love to come see you burn" hehe

i have major cramps.i wanna go home.

hey so i just got this Friendster thing that vidaloca sent me
hehehe soooo cool! except that at the moment i only have two friends lol
loner...
so add me if u have it and ur my friend :P
i used jazzalicious07@hotmail.com

just talked to my like second mother haha
kee i'm happy :) good way to start the day ... :D
but apparently i'm not allowed to look at guys til after university HA..

God is so amazing!
so i've been freaking out about this unforgivable sin thing... freak,ing about how i might have committed it and stuff... and so i prayed so hard during service today for a sign... a sign to know whether it was real guilt or false guilt... and so i went to sunday school today and joseph's like "today we're going to talk about... guilt." and i just gaped at him. it was like wow. and i didn't even say anything about it and then the whole issue got resolved without me saying a word about it ... liek somebody else brought up the whole unforgivable sin thing and it wasn't even exactly the topic! and WOW.
that's jsut making a long story short but yeah... like God is so good :) and He sometimes answers prayers so quickly !!!! thankYou! :) it's nice to know that i'm not goign to hell :P

went to chill at tiff's tonight... talked ate played some soccer... watch some chinese movies hehe :) took pics :) nice way to end off the wknd :)
bah... school again tommorow...

chilled at dora's today with her, jo, viv, jon, and marius :)
i got a free skateboarding poster from boardzone :D
i love pics of people skateboarding!!!

i've decided i want to learn how to skateboard. :P
too bad i have NO balance :P

went to g's byebye bbq yesterday :) was fun ... got to chat and chill with a lot of people that haven't really talked to in a long time... really nice to be able to catch up and whatnot. i'm glad so many people are here this term :)

i heard Shania Twain's Forever and Always twice today ... twice! *shudder* i relalllly don't like that song... :P

my Concept audition was today... poopoo instrumental auditions were distracting me ... electric guitar... so loud. id unno. i just really hope i dont' end up in the choir again this year... i know i must sound like an ingrate having gotten in for the past two years but... i dunno! like...i just want a better part... to have to devote that much time to something..i guess it just makes it seem more worthwhile if your'e not singing with a gazzillion other people. but considering i dind't do the BEST i could possibly do... my fate in the choir is most likely sealed. :P unless i don't get in at all?

praylude tonight... talked about the abc's of salvation... it was cool to see all that subject compliment stuff actually come into play... and then after we all went to mikey's for some eats and some bbt :) .. fun times... had a good laugh over stuff we did in the summer of grade nine... wow... that was the best summer of my life for sure! :)

miss you.

it's happened.

your hand's gone at the crosswalk. hand's gone from the bike seat.
i'm inhaling sharply.
i want to sit on the curb and refuse to cross the street.
i want to squeeze the hand brakes and refuse to pedal. place my feet firmly on the ashfault unbudging.
as if by some miracle, *my* stagnancy will make time stand still with me. perhaps even rewind.

but i know that's not what it's like. life isn't like a movie as much as i'd like it to be... and it isn't a daydream in which i can twist situations to my liking.
can i cross the street by myself? yeah. i guess i can. i know how to look both ways, walk not run, quicken my pace as the hand flashes.
can i ride my bike alone? yeah. maybe i'll fall... scrape my knees up a bit... but somehow... i'll find the strength to get back on.

That same strength that gripped the tears forming behind my eyes. strength that was not there yesterday but was there today. strength that disappeared with the shutting of the door as i pressed my back into the wall letting it all flow out thinking i hate this i hate this i hate this.

but you've taught me much, and i don't forget. i do know some things... and i can do some things... and i can deal. just gotta dry my eyes, suck it up, and live life to the fullest. trust God that things are going to be okay, remember that everything is a blessing, and strive to be the best that i can possibly be.
i can maybe do that. but it doesn't mean i'm not scared. and it doesn't mean i won't miss you ... miss everything.

need to think about it. gonna go shove my face into my pillow and sleep it off.

waiting

not much longer now.
gripping the hand i hold so tightly, eyes shooting up to ensure it hasn't vanished.
pedalling vigourously, neck straining to see the hand hanging on to the seat.
i swallow.
very soon.
i shed a tear while waiting.
for your hand to disappear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem*
the o-c is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!! and ... it's gone for a month and a half!!! :*( *tears*
my current wallpaper:

seventeen

thankyou Father for these seventeen years. years that could have been taken away at any moment and almost were... years that have been filled with countless memories, countless blessings... years that i have come to treasure as they speed by faster and faster. I love You.

a week ago, maybe less, i was pretty miserable... thinking about all the things that were going wrong... thinking about how school was so different this year than the last... thinking about my classes and how everything seemed wrong and the stress of university coming overwhelming me a bit... thinking about my desire to serve God in Praylude with four of my best friends and the hurt i felt when i realized they would be serving on commitee together without me... thinking about my roles in life... how maybe i didn't fit them anymore. wondering... wondering whether if i was important anywhere at all anymore... wondering if i mattered. and so certain that i was not loved or valued by anyone. cared for yes, but loved and valued... no.

but then i got to thinking this weekend... how am i looking at this? g always says it's all about perspective. so last night i tried to percieve it in a different way. i wasn't excited about seventeen at all. in fact, i wanted to stay sixteen... yet this weekend was really really great. compared to last year's galla this weekend was very regular ... but i got to spend a lot of time with friends and family... people doing all these little nice things for me to show me how much they care... to show that they remembered.
time.
time is huge. it seems to pass more and more quickly every year... so precious... something only God can control. and you never really know how much you have left. the way you spend your time is like a vote. a vote as to what is important to you. this weekend a lot of time was devoted to me. and that meant alot... but what means even more is how much time is devoted to me regularily. the number of people who will spend their time talking to me, doing things for me, chilling out with me... is a great many more than i deserve. and over the years God has blessed me with countless friends ... friends that i am so lucky to have yet so often take for granted...
and i know that if that many people are will to invest so much time in me... then i must be pretty important to them :)-- valued. and VERY well cared for. and all these things exhibit love. can i say that i am certain that every single one of these people love me? no. but who cares? teh actions shown and the actual relationships are much mroe important than someone saying i love you.

also... i thought everything was going wrong ... but i'm sure everything that happens will be used by God in accordance with His plan for me... and everything will turn out in the end :)

and what have i done this year that's worth remembering?
i grew. i grew closer to God. I grew new relationships and deepened old ones. i discovered true friends. and friends that i could rely on for spiritual and emotional and physical support. i got baptised. i had fun. i laughed. and i made people smile.

i could not be more grateful for a year that could not have been better.

this is the last blog entry of my sixteenth year of my life...
35 minutes to go...
much to reflect upon but instead i think i'll sing the song one last time as Leisl:

Sixteen Going On Seventeen
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men will want to write on

[Liesl:]
To write on

[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older an wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

-- so long farewell.

i REALLY don't like period C spare on day 2 mornings.
i can deal with chilling out alone on period A for the rest of the week but period C mornings SUCK. so since period C is actually a spare for all juniors or lunch on the other days, the library is pretty full. It is also inhabited by teachers who have jr lunch off or certain senior students who have a similar situation as myself-- but only the ones i don't know of course since if i knew them i wouldn't be so tormented and of course that would never do. i tried hanging out in front of my locker but i got kicked out of the hall by a stupid meano teacher. so aside from having no friends to chill with first period i am also subject to lack of privacy and space. BAH. and the library is loud. like SHUT UP. it's the library! grrr~~ ...
also, i was shafted by ovaltine and her gr nine friends lol...DITCHED... jk viv haha...

10 more minutes... *breathe* and then biology -- oh the joys of cell growth :P

something i had to write for english...

It is a rare occasion that one has the privilege of experiencing that tremendous feeling. A feeling that starts as a tingle at the top of your stomach and runs like seeping ink through your body, filling it in such a manner that your insides yearn to burst, yet giving you a sense that you are incredibly small. Wonder.
This privilege came to me during a trip to Alberta a few years ago. I remember it exactly, standing at the edge of Lake Louise with my eyes resting above the horizon, completely mesmerized. At that moment, nothing and no one else existed save for the Rocky Mountains and myself. I was completely overtaken by the vastness of the megaliths before me. Rock, white and jagged, stretched my eyes higher than skyscrapers or any human accomplishment. Although still, they shocked me with the power they emitted and the cold splash of realization that human hands could not create such majesty.
Yet the feeling that empowers you is not only strong and serrated, but also soft, like a vast, unending canvas of a great painter that could only be God himself. His brush’s blending so fine that it is difficult to differentiate the peaks from the sky.
This canvas and this power engulfing you could only be described as wonder, a moment in time in which your significance is nothing.

5 days.


so yeah like the O.C. is the best show EVER! *all nod in agreement*
*GUSH*
i love this show sooooo much it's so good! ^_^ seth and ryan are both so hot! ...i didn't think ryan was that great iin the beginning but his personality makes him woww plus his body. :P ahem.
bah... i can't believe marissa and luke!!! NOOOOOOO... marissa's supposed to be with RYAN!!!! too bad he messed it up bLAH... anywayyyyyss.s.. this is SUCH a good show. honestly if you haven't seen it ... seriously seriously watch it. i'm addicted. hehe :)

bleh. it's picture day tommorow and i just grew a zit :(

the thing about having a spare first thing in the morning every single week where you have to go and can't sleep in because you have no other ride is... you spend a lot of quality time with yourself. i guess it's kinda nice... when i put it like that.. "quality time with me" but ... it sucks. i mean come *on* . why should i have to wake up and sit around while everyone else with this spare is sleeping? :P i want to get this changed around but i haven't seen my guidance counsellor ONCE yet and it's impossible to get an appointment. i just don't go at the right times i guess... i've been feeling so so so unlucky. i mean, i'm trying to trust God that this sis the way things are supposed to be and if He wants them to change He'll get me that chance to change it... it's been really in my face that that's what i'm supposed to do-- trust Him with all my heart. but i can't help but sulk a little because i'm tired and woudl much rather be at home in my bed. WAHHHH I WANNA SLEEP!!!! >_<

went to nsr last night with pt, chris, jo, and kat. i met some people... this one guy named Kai who when i saw his nametag i thought it said "KA!" and i was like WOW! can i call you KA!? and he's like "no... cuz it sounds bad when you say it twice" lolz.
also it's weird when people come back and you didn't miss them all that much over the term but when you see them you realize you did.

my "suk poh" aka tiff's grandma is having her surgery today... MAD MAD MAAAAAADDDD prayer power needed... it's at 10:30 am... please please pray hard...

oh wow. one week left. i wish time would just freeze.

smily:
i can't believe you're
gone. tears fall now that clung to my eyelids earlier.
i miss you already.
but at least you won't forget. at least you won't become like him.

Sept. 7, 2003. 2:05 am.

My room is dim, soft, white light bursts from the computer screen and Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight” is only whispering from the speakers so as not to wake my family. I would sleep but my attempts to do so are completely in vain. It’s like all these things are trying to cram themselves into my mind and I can hardly begin to focus on even one and yet I can’t stop thinking about any of them. o/~ tomorrow comes to take me away, I wish that I that I could stay… save tonight fight the break of dawn come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone o/~ I have one week of 16 left… to many, it’s just another year… but 16 was a big deal to me. I had so many expectations for the 16th year of my life… I can’t remember whether they were fulfilled because I think some of these expectations have changed or rather I’ve changed and their importance has dissipated a great deal or almost completely. I remember one. I always thought I would get my first kiss at 16… and that hasn’t happened. Am I disappointed? Sometimes… but I guess more often I’m thankful. Thankful that something so important to me was preserved for the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I complain about it enough but really, I’m glad. But I’m not really thinking about past dreams… I’m thinking more along the lines of what I HAVE done… what made this year worth remembering…

In an attempt to organize my thoughts and properly reflect, I’ve slotted my life into a few areas:
1. relationship with God
2. relationships with others
3. praylude
4. school
5. character development?

I think I’m going to take the next week to think about each “section” as much as I can… I guess I’d like to think about development because even though I am not looking forward to turning 17, I’m gonna make it the best year it can possibly be and I’m going to grow and change and develop as much as I possibly can. I’m terrified of change but I will take charge of my own growth and pray to change in accordance with His plan in His time. It’s heartbreaking to see 16 go by in a blink of an eye, but perhaps it’s time for me to let go of the past a little and focus on today and on what’s to come… I wont’ be able to sing the song anymore but hey, 17 is the title of a magazine. =P

my first "in school" blog of the year!!!!...
we have an extended period A today ... so that means i have an extended spare :)
bah.. i wish i had a car so i didn't have to wake up so early for nothing...
but i only have 3 classes today so that puts me in a good mood :)

craP!!!.... BAHHHHH i just realized i forgot to bring the sunday school bag for kat to give to sherry since i'm switching weeks with her!!! >_< ohhhhhhh what am i gonna do nOWW?? :( maybe i'll ask dora if she can take me home? ... i dunno tho...

anyways there was just an announcement about "get off the computers because there is a deadly virus maybe" or something so i'm gonna publish this before i get kicked off...

only 5 hours and 45 min until my first official weekend of the year!
WHEEEE ^_^

school's going... well... it's going.

i wish for just some time to fix this up... but i don't have enough of it...

gotta learn to take things as they come. let the changes slide off my back and grin and bear it.
and trust trust trust in God... *sigh*

"29 Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." Deut. 1:29-31

the end is near. an hour and 18 min away to be exact.

i can't believe this... this... is goodbye. goodbye to the the joys of summer...

close my eyes. appear confident, appear collected.

home again :)

pictures coming soon

changes coming soon

school coming soon.

woe is me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAT!!!! :D ... hm i guess belated since its 2:22 am... another seventeen leaving me in the dust ;)
- had breakfast with kat, kare, mo,auntie sandy and uncle michael at texas bbq yum!
- helped auntie juana move ... encountered some RUDE people... grrrr....
- dinnerat east sides w kat dora mo kare viv pt and jo wall and di came later for cake
- chatted with mo abouta lot of stuff :) twas nice ...

ok that was a really boring entry.

...waiting.

worth

mine is none.

just got up ... it's really nice in here... completely quiet save the whispers of the trees being aroused by the wind and the occasional groan of a car crawling up phillip street... the sun's hidden behind clouds so the light is dim filtering through the screens... it's so peaceful. i love it except for the fact that quietness like this causes me to think too much.

time.
one minute someone's here... and the next... you don't know if you'll be seeing them again. or worse, you know you won't be.
it's funny how much i think i'm such a "part of the family" until something like this happens and it's like bang. and i'm hit with the blunt realization of how much i'm not. i just really pray for peace and comfort for all of them...
but it's not just about that.
it[s so crazy. realizing how much you treasure people. how much they mean to you ... really. and you don't really treasure every single minute you have with them until... they're almost gone. it just seems so unfair. all of this. all of everything seems like utter unfairness.
and yeah maybe it's part of some intricate plan God has for me.. for everyone. but i find it difficult to see the big picture when it hurts so much.

steph: the pics on the side are my moo cow and underneath is me... i'll post more pics soon like tommorow :) so keep checking... hope u and my parents are having fun :)

crashing at g's tonight.. was just at the rec center and saw the MOST disgusting thing EVER
this woman comes out of the shower area COMPLETELy naked. i'm like sitting on a bench thing in front of the lockers.. and she stands like RIGHT in front of me. so naturally i look away onto the bench beside me... and then she comes over and sets her stuff down right beside me and starts drying herself -- still completely naked. and THEN.... she walks over to the hair dryers and is like drying her pubes or something i was like AGHHHHGGHHGHGH!!!! >_< oh the horror. she was like 50 years old or something likethat... wow man. that was just scarring.

wonderland was really fun :) ... it exeeded my expectations. old friends, new friends, far friends, and near friends... :)

will post pictures sooon :)
gotta get some time to sit around on my comp :)

it's been a fun week :) busy and fun :)
-finished drivers ed!! :) woot!
-picked up my bui yee from the airport and had a "sleep"over... hehe stayed up til 6:30 am catching up and stuff :) really great. missed u a lot tiffling.
-hung out with auntie maureen all day :) good to talk and stuff...
-went to ikea tonite! :D i lub ikea and sang with jo and di for the frist time in 3 months! :D

and above all-- the food has been great :D
hehe i had... homecooked, harveys, pizza, burger king, kin tin, swiss chalet and Ben than twice!! :) hehehe
yummalicious...

"you're fattening" LOL...

my family should be there by now...

the drivers ed in class teacher is SO MEAN! .. at first it hought he was just a nice old man... but today he just ....UGHHHHH!!!!
and yesterday with the frapp! like gimme a break! ... he doesn't like me for NO REASON.

hmph.

going up to jo's now... bahhhhh i can't carry all this stuff and my parents like hid the sleeping bags or something cuz they're gone.

i think ... finally... I'm over him. :)

today-- i broke my two week no swearing streak over a caramel frappucino. *sigh* :( ... ugh. it's hard. i'm worried because right now i'm not in an environment where someone cusses every two seconds unlike when i get back to school ... where it'll be even more difficult to maintain self control. :(

driving school was okay -- BORING -- but not as bad as i thought it would be. i have a nice old man teacher who is frazzled and tells a lot of stories ... but he doesn't lke people drinking inside :P bah. lauren (dumering!) and rachel jantzi accompanied me and jo to harvey's for lunch :) yummooo ...
it's nice cuz Canada Driving School is across the street from harveys and chapters-- STARBUCKS -- caramel frappucino :) so it's convenient to go get lunch and coffee... and yYA! we're a quarter done! :)

.... phone calls... freaking out... eminem... puppy sounds... laughing my head off...
i miss you.

and i miss vbs too. :(

wow... it's been almost a week since i last blogged....
it just seems like every time i go to blog something happens-- like the black out for example ...
it's crazy how much our society depends upon electricity... i myself slept at 10:30 for lack of anything better to do .... annnnnnnd i slept on the GROUND of my family room cuz it was SO hot upstairs since the ac was gone... "slept" is more accurate since i woke up like every 5 min. it was soooo uncomfortable... the highlight of the evening was when kat and mo and daniel and kadin came over and we took pictures to amuse ourselves after it got too dark to really even do much by candlelight... hahahaha...

for your viewing pleasure:

This one is my personal favourite.... HAHAHA







.... we're tryign to look scared... hahaha... because... well... it's a black out... sooo... id unno...

ontario place was a blast yesterday! :)
jon and jason met up with us which was really cool -- cool to see them both again! :)
skaters are cool!

SO tired... jo, g, dora and i were practicing vbs songs :P ... hahaha... soo funny...so EXHAUSTING!
honestly... our actions are extremely tiring :P ... it's like doing aerobics :P
twas fun tho :) my dad took pictures! O_o... *shudder* we look so weiiiiird~!

hey you know what?
i've been really happy these couple of days... i've noticed that i have very little "beef" with anyone or anything...
it's nice :). perhaps not *quite* as interesting... but nice.

kat jo dora viv and i are going to see Freaky Friday tonight LOL... :P ... cuz Tristan from GG is in it :P ...
but it actually looks kinda interesting... the Parent Trap girl is in it and i liked the Parent Trap :)

went to the church last night me and dora got the banner for the front door all done!

annnnnnnnnnnnd............. i'm goign to Ontario Place tommorow!!!!! WOOT! :D .. hehe :) sorry but man... when u haven't done liek ANYTHING all summer... its' like "fong gaam" ya kno? plus-- a certain boy will be there *GUSH*
hahaha......
oh it's always abotu the boy *grin*

went to the church tonight (wednesday) to paint the vbs banner and sharpie the backdrops which were WOWWWWWly painted btw!!! .. they did such a good job.. i wish i didn't have to miss out :( ... i mean, the kids are great but... i wish i didn' thave to go alonnnnne to church to do it but i couldn't expect anyone to come with me... but actually i was pleasantly surprised.

Paul (Wang) ended up staying with me and helping me ... and it was nice cuz we dont' seem to have much in common yet we had a really interesting conversation... about all sorts of stuff including the importance of children's ministry which i think is a really big deal... and abotu unity in the church and etcetc... it was really nice to be able to chat and to have help haha :)... we got the jungle and the sea doneee! :) ... also egypt was done from the other day... i added a few finishing touches... but yeah... they were painted so well!... i admire the colour coordination :)
check it [note: it looks better in person :P] :
Egypt

Jungle

Under the Sea/Finding Nemo

lazy summer days are really nice =) ...

yesterday shabba and jeremy showed up at my door-- it was like WOW. haven't seen those two for a long long while... and it was really nice. unbelievably nice :)

had sooo much fun prepping for vbs today :) hehe... after i crawled under a fence to get to church, dora jo viv and i walked down to zehrs and got some junk food to much on while we painted and -- SHORT STOP SELLS CHERRY COKE!!!! :)
on the way there my klutzyness prevails AGAIN ... me and viv were crossing hte street and i tripped over the one cm curb and fall FLAT on my face :P the lady int he car gave me a look :P hmph. lol at least she didn't run me over or burst out laughing like i would have if i'd been in her position haha.. yeah we laughed for a while abotu that :P and our sets actually look nice now!!!!! -- except for the first one we did that one is still ugly :P ...
i'm not painting anymore i'm filling in details and tracing with a black permanent marker... i'm better at drawing than painting in the lines :P :)

ladeeda...

apology


i can be the most knowledgable christian ever, know all the right answers, believe so strongly in Jesus... but if i am unwilling to shape my life to be more like Christ ... then what kind of Christian am i? ...


God usually sends me wake up calls in the form of either life lows or certain people. i'm guessing it's because He knows that's what gets to me the most. and at first i thought "kay this is not really a big deal"... but actually i just spent the past bit praying about it... and i think this is something that really needs to be changed. otherwise, i don't think God would let people bring this up-- repeatedly.
so i just wanted to apologize for the profanity that's somehow snuck itself into this blog. ok. no. i shouldn't say it like that. because in typing i have every ability to look and delete. yet, i always decide to myself that i want this to be a record of my unedited thoughts-- completely real. i never gave a second thought to how maybe it IS important to edit... important to edit our thoughts everyday important to edit our thoughts before they become actions that can cause those to stumble. if i proclaim myself to be a Christian then i really need to clean it up. not just in this aspect of my life of course but i think this is something so simple that has been neglected because of my stubborness and sometimes desire to be stagnant. I think God is really telling me not only about swearing but ... well really about editting my thoughts. i mean, i always think it's stupid to do so but really-- i SHOULD be always doing just that. naturally, i am a very very sinful person but that doesn't mean that i should remain sinful because that's how i "really" am. even if in the beginning changing these sins seems forced and unnatural, practicing this change, by prayer, petition, and effort is what makes it natural and what God can use to help me become a NATURALLY less sinful person. Likewise with this swearing on my blog. Just because it is naturally what i am thinking when i'm typing, taking a tiny bit of effort in editing these thoughts can prove to help me be more aware of this sin and perhaps make it more natural for me not to swear....
and so i'd really like to change. honest. i think swearing is somethingthat God really wants out of my system because it is a constant stumbling block for others and especially for myself in being a good witness and being the most Christlike person i can be.


"9With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. 10Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. 11Can both fresh water and salt[1] water flow from the same spring? 12My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. " james 3:9-12


so.. yeah. i prayed about it... and thought about it... and i'd like to be someone who produces fresh water, someone whose tongue is used as much as possible only to bring glory to God. so i apologize for the profanity that has occured in this blog and i will definitely refrain from that from now on. i'm sorry if it has caused anyone to stumble, or be offended... i'm sorry that you even had to lay eyes on it. this isn't easy... i mean, admitting that it's a problem isn't easy... but it shouldn't be. living a Christian life... shouldn't be easy. and i've known that. always known that. but God ... i'm willing to try really really really hard and struggle... because yeah, i'm really stubborn and whatnot but ... i really DO want to follow You completely.
and yeah...i know that there's a lot more to taming the tongue than just killing the profanity in my blog... but hey, baby steps.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DI!!!!
ur no longer a teennnnn ur a teeeee haha..
-did vbs prep at church today... sets were.. heh... ok they were really ugly after me esther and victoria started painting them...hahaa and right after victoria goes "jasmine youre' such an artist" LOL -- totally NOT. the sets are so ugly :P haha.. btu they look better from far away and that's what matters :P:)

oh the irony

if you could hear me laughing right now you'd hear this scornful breathy laugh and see eyes cast toward the grainy ceiling and black head shaking in disgusted yet pleased disbelief.
during a heated msn conversation with a friend about life, problems, and expectations i found myself launching into this shpiel [disclaimer: i am not displaying the context in respect for my friend so please don't think i'm cocky]:

*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
you know what? ...


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
i think ... its' all about perspective.


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
like... ok. i have a lot i complain about as well ... and so ... i have no business in saying you don't have a right ot complain about whatever


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
because yeah shit happens. but shit happens to everyone. and ... i dunno i think i myself... well... i've been moping alot lately. becuase of stuff that isn't seemingly goign my way..


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
and i think..."gosh this sucks. my life sucks. blabalbla" but does it really? i mean, how many good things do i have going for me that others dont' have? and not only that but if i decide that i'm goign to focus on everything negative... maybe i'm not as "important" seemingly as others, maybe people i htink are amazing and whatever dont' love me or love me as much as i'd like... but who the hell am i to expect anything from anyone? [especially those i regard in such high esteem]


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
or anything from God even? and if i regard everything in a negative way then that's just what it's going to be-- negative. because i wont find anything in anything. it's like... a self fulfilling prophesy.


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
Philippians 2
Imitating Christ's Humility
1If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus


*moomoobear*--- all wrong. says:
i'm not saying i actually do all these things that i just said... i think that was just more of a self reflection actually wow.


i think i take to heart more than i think i do. sitting on a park bench kicking at the sand or clutching the phone against my ear i sometimes thought "it's logical but inapplicable" but on the outside looking in it seemed so obvious to me -- and then looking upon my own life... my own feelings, it all makes so much more sense now. i think i have an idea of where i need to start in my own life... where to start to discover my purpose-- something i've been thinking about alot.

i think in order to understand what i percieve success as for myself, i need to first understand who i am completely as a person... not grasping at what i think i want because of whatever seems to me as "the norm"... but what is REALLY valuable to me. and to place God above all these wants and all these values... and when i've TRULY made God the head of my life it is obvious that He will have an easier time revealing His plan for me, and what my purpose is. Becuase if He were to reveal it to me NOW... i would most probably try to shape it into something that fits my own worldy views and values... until it became something undesirable.

Considering God made me i think He knows better what i REALLY want, what i TRULY need much much better than i do. and instead of praying for material possessions, the love of others, a boyfriend... etc... i shoudl really be praying for wisdom and guidance and the ability to be humble and to love others regarding them as better than myself, and for focus in knowing Him and loving Him with all of my heart and soul and mind. It's so much easier said than done... but i think that's what i really want to achieve... i think that's what i think is real maturity...

i don't know how to end this suitably, but that was a really good reflection of sorts...

had viet noodles with patty and g tonite yumyumyum :) ... food and talk was good :)
tommorow vbs prep-- painting!! :Dkeke
also i added WALL's BLOG!!! check it out!! -- this is at the bottom of a huge long post so i will most likely elaborate tommorow so ppl will actually read it maybe :P

went to viv's today and watched "Marry a Rich Man" lol... yes. a chinese flick :P ..
strange-- last night tiff had me dling Jay Chow, then today i watch a chinese movie and borrowed a Sammi Che(u)ng cd from benny lol
i'm currently addicted to the song Glass Slipper.
hahaha anyways i don't care if i'm "crossing over" hahaha had so much fun :)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


"And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you It's true
I'm stuck on you"
stuck, s.o.

added a link to gisela's blog-- a friend from summer school who likes moulin rouge too!!! :)
heading out to viv's soon... yay! abandoning the bumming :)... nice to have something to :)

i miss
the sound of my pen on
paper rustling
mind spinning
heart and soul spinning out of my fingertips.
the craft of writing.

a little colour




kat and dora came over tonight and helped me dye my hair :) i like it...
you can't really see it good in the pic esp since my webcam is really crappy.... but it's purple. :)
i mean... it's black... but when the light shines on it it's purple!! ^_^
i'm sooooo happy! i've wanted to get this for SO long :)

lalalalalalala :)

also today...
- talked to eumie
- me, kat, jo, dora watched Just Married for lightheartedness but... it turned out to be more of a depressant
- chilled with em -- got tcby and packed

shouldn't you be at church?

10:10- jasy : can you drive me to church?
mom : i said i wasn't goign to drive you.
jasy : what?! no you didn't... when did you say that?
mom : at 9:30 when i was tryign to wake you up and you wouldn';t get up and you said "why should i get up now"
jasy : huh?! you tried to wake me up at 9:30??... can you please just drive me to church?

[five minutes later]
i am still being ignored by my mother chopping up cucumbers for my sister's birthday party.
honestly i don't remember any of that stuff that happened at 9:30

so that's why i'm not at church.

to you

you think you're the only one who ever feels insecure? the only one who looks in the mirror and thinks 'God this is wonderfully made?'?
the only one who thinks their friends can do everything and you yourself can only observe wishing... wishing you could somehow measure up?

well think again.

have you ever sat and watched every guy come by and be interested in your best friends instead of you? having them talk to you only to get closer to your friends? having the guy you like date your best friend. and loving it and hating it at the exact same time... but i'm not the only one.
and maybe, just maybe... it wasn't that big of a deal. But somehow yeah-- i'm freakin jealous of your body. the fact that you can wear a strapless dress and i can't. maybe that was the real issue. black. who cares? but maybe i just wanted something... something... nice.
i know it's stupid. i do.
which is why i didn't say anything!
because i myself knew how retarded i was being.

but no you just can't leave it can you? and then it's my fault. it's me who's making YOU feel unloved and stupid and ugly.

well i'm sorry. because you aren't any of those things. but none of this matters. i was just annoyed. and you know, you didn't have to ask me over and over and over and over... because if you hadn't i wouldn't have told you and we would be on a lot better terms right now.

so just drop it ok?

one day left of summer school....

it's so bitter sweet...
lil was right. :P
i'm still glad i get to party it up after this but..... i'm gonna miss those people! :( gonna take so many pics tommorow! or rather "today". :)

got a chance to talk to tiff, nita, and di on the phone tonight! :) definitely the highlight of my week so far... i miss you guys.

oh btw!-- if u didn't notice... i decided to change things around a bit... it's not super interesting :P but i like a new look once in a while :)
i also added some new links :)... my testimony is on the side and Helen Keller Quotes(i'm doing her for my isu) and Lil's thotstoo :) also shouts are coming soooooon... as soon as i finish summer schooL!

anyways back to my isu.. nitenite!

change

hmm..

leisure


choorch picnic was today! twas a fun time in the sun :) went canoeing! -- got completely soaked. actually more by simon dumping a bucket of water on my head then anything else ... but muahahaha i got my revenge ;) keke..
the funniest thing when jo, em, and i were walking to the bus to change (no smelly outhouses for us!--except i ended up having to pee in one anyways) joanna goes "hmm.. i really have to pee... maybe we should have gone to the outhouses afterall..."
and em goes "go pee behind that bush. we'll watch you."
lol of course... that's not what she meant :P ... or WAS IT? haha.. jk :)
yes i liked that. everyone should have gone on the church picnic :P but the main ppl from english that were there were em, jo, victoria, wall, simon, joseph, and i :) also i met benny and dan who are new and they are both really cool :) plus their dog frosty is too :)

after the picnic we had another "family thing" at tiff's grandparents' place who btw i found out the other day i'm supposed to call them "suk gong and suk poh" ... but i guess.. i dunno... i think i'll get used to it because we seem to be seeing them alot more now.. but just it sounds like a very close name and although i like them alot it i seem to have to make a lot of effort to address them like that because it doesn't seem natural. but anyways it was nice cuz we stayed for dinner so me fiona iris and irina went to the cambridge centre and shopped ^_^ i didn't buy anything but it's always nice to shop u kno :P
other than that i had a chance to talk to fiona for a really long time which was nice too :) the only UNnice thing about tonight was that tiff was mentionned alot-- hey girl supposedly i talk like you according to ur grandma hahaha which i totally don't hehe but owell-- and I MISS TIFF! i miss yououuuuuu and your mom goes "tiff said she doesn't want to come back" i'm like "=_= she's coming back. :P" come back.

fiona and i are going to see Pirates of the Caribbean tommorow !!!!!!! SOOO EXCITED :) i lub johnny depp :)

[FRIDAY]





had dinner with my family at east side's last night [thursday] for my sis's bday :)
it was a fun time enjoying and being extremely embarressed over my family's idiosyncrasies... my dad showed the waiter his kenker. and after i ordered my daquiri (yes anita it was a virgin one :P :)) my mom RE-emphasized to the hot waiter that it was a "VIR- GIN" daquiri HAHAHA..
but it was fun :)
and the hot waiter asked me whether or not i was 19 :) kekekeke....

had a really interesting discussion at praylude about the "nature" of spiritual gifts and their essence... in the end it was a very simple definition but ... one that requires a lot of thought and debate to take something so large and make it as specific as possible.

church picnic tommorow :)
fun in da sun :D for the FIRST time this summer O_o :P

HAPPY 17th DORA!!! and HAPPY 11th IRINA!!!

eeek. trying to find a famous person to do for my isu. can't. heh surprise surprise... can't do *much*.

tidbits

i have 89% in summer school right now! :D i'm excited. i haven't been so excited abotu marks for a while :P :) God is really great in helping me with this... i mean, there's been assignments that i've just stared at for so long wondering how i'm going to go abotu writing them (i'm taking writers craft) and yeah, my time management skills are not super -- but they've been pretty good for summer school so far :) God's really helped me stay more disciplined.

gotta go shopping tommorow nite ... will hopefully be able to pick up presents for dora's and irina's bday on thurs and a dress *^_^* for the chung's 25 anniversary party! :) sooo excited :) hoping for a sleek black dress with mini sleeves :)

no matter how many times i practice saying "let's bounce" it just never sounds "cool" coming out of my mouth.

one of the pics from the Kreazeless "photoshoot" hehe :)
nice job wallace :) i look bad but i think it's a nice picture..it's one of the only two "un candid" shots...

i can't believe i only have one year left with jo dora and kat. three of the four goodbyes i can not bear to say.

it was really refreshing to talk to u ...
but i almost wish i hadn't... cuz i miss you so much more.

lub u eu.

"family dinner" was nice :)
auntie katie made some sweet ass cake topped with fresh cream, strawberries, and white chocolate :9...
fiona is really cool -- nice to have someone to chat with since someone *cough* tiff *cough* was missing in action :P ;)
iris is sleeping over (with my sister) :) ... came out of my room to say hi and realized they went to bed while i was on the phone.

self evaluation:

i need a makeover -- inside-out.

this place needs a makeover.

"little pleasures of life" that brightnened my otherwise incredibly dreary day:
- kreazeless girls.

- walking in the rain.
-- God knows when to send a nice shower :)... at first the rain reflected my unshed tears and the clouds the grey of my heart, then it caressed me as i moped in it. soaking my sneakers to the roots of my hair- sympathizing with my sadness. allowing me to be unhappy, yet leaving me lighter than before i went out.

- my unexpected walk/talk w bun :) thankyou.

-elizabeth's untainted laughter. loud, rambunctious, contagious. :) pixie laughter to go with pixie ears. she's really fun to talk to :) hahahaha she told simon he was an old man :) lol low gung gung simon lol :) ...

-POSTCARDS! :D [fyi, i have a ridiculous obsession with postcards] anyways-- tWO came today! :)... double the excitement! ^_^
thanks jeh and matt!!! :) *kekekeke* more postcards for my wall :) ...

thankyou God for the blessings and the trials in life... thanks for "coincidences" to cheer me up :)

finally got around to updating my links :

1. di down in aussie... how God's been working through her and in her down there :)

2. my little sister's debut!!!
hehehe :)-- Tales of a Fifth Grade Nothing
a while back in my week of doing absolutely nothing i felt like starting a new blog.. but i dind't have any ideas so i was like "irina can i start you a blog?"
so i did.
and so here it is-- a grade five perspective in the blogging world. not that age makes a difference -- but i think it's interesting because the things she observes and goes through are fresh-- invigorating memories of the past :)
so check it out :)

i didn't think it was possible to spend too much time with people i like so much. but through out the day there are minutes in which i think i am doing just that. and then other hours in which i change my mind.

and don't even talk to me about being second place.

murder she wrote

finally finished writing my short story for summer school thanks to pearl who helped me get over my writers block :)...
it had to be horror with the theme of insanity.
i dont' like writing horror because i scare myself picturing what i write. my hands usually end up shaking at the keyboard.
anyways-- here it is. ... it's not very good... but the best i can do :P
not for the faint hearted. and i don't have a title yet... :

It was still. So quiet you could hear the spiders spinning their cobwebs in little corners too long neglected. The sky was dark, not stormy, just darkened by large grey clouds that concealed the nakedness of the sky beneath. He sat in the living room in that chair. That old, brown, leather chair, ragged from all those times him and his girlfriends would fuck in it. I never saw but I heard. And that disgusting carpet, stained from ketchup, nosebleeds, and smelling of putrid intoxication. The small amount of light through the blinds fell in an eerie pattern of lines over the small television. Lines over the nearly invisible coffee table. Lines cutting across my father’s silhouetted figure in that chair.

I hated him. It was his unfaithfulness and crude nature that had driven my mother to the reckless driving that caused her death seven years ago when I was only ten. She told me herself. She tells me a lot of important things. The only things he tells me are how sexy I look or asks me if he can touch me in certain places.
“Ignore him.” She tells me.
So I wear baggy t-shirts and long, loose fitting pants, and hoped that by ignoring him, this sick reality of mine would become nothing more than a horrible nightmare.

“Hey Taylor, baby, be a doll and grab me another beer! And while you’re at it take off your shirt! Hehheh” He called with his gnarled laughter and slurred tones. I sucked my stomach in concentrating on the way my insides folded against my ribs and the way my feet hit the carpet as I turned to grab his empty beer can from the coffee table.

Suddenly, as if by impulse my entire body tensed up, but it did so belatedly as I felt his hand land on my breast. Slap! I stood frozen for a second. An imprint of my hand appeared across his stunned cheek. Without getting up his arms lunged toward me. Grabbing. Ripping. And then his arms changed their mind and pushed me away. “Just get me that beer.” His eyes focused on a red spot in the carpet. I tore out of that room as the tears came and blurred the walls as I ran as fast as I could through the kitchen doorway. I stopped. My mother stood in the doorway, eyes hollow and a knife laid in her palms.
“Go back in there Taylor. Take this. Go back in there and finish him.” For the first time in my life her voice sounded so foreign to me. I stared. “Aren’t you angry?” She asked.
I nodded, then shook my head. “You don’t love me.” She whispered. “He killed me, he touched you. He ruined BOTH our lives and you aren’t even angry! You wicked girl! You ungrateful daughter, you don’t love me!” She was screaming now. “No!” I begged her with my tears. “I am angry. I do love you.” In response she stuck the kitchen knife in my face once again.

She was right. My mother was right. Before he looked up I had already made two red lines across his body. Lines, lines. That was all my mind could hold. Lines of revenge. “You killed her!” I began screaming. “If it wasn’t for you she wouldn’t have driven so recklessly! You took everything from me!” And then there was silence. “Your mother died of a heroine overdose. I lied about the accident. She died of an overdose.” The last word was barely audible and his body gave way to death. And I, I sat motionless looking at the woman who stood at the corner of the room, wondering who she was.

the end.

summer school is O-kay... my teacher is a hottie but i don't like how bluevale has no windows. it's like a prison or something.
anyways chilling at dora's today and watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (so funny!) over some Little Caesar's was a really nice way to kick back after three days of hardcore writing for the entire day nonstop :)

Maid in Manhatten (which is an amazing movie i dont' care what anyone says haha) has made me the biggest fan of Tyler Garcia Posey what a cutie!! for your viewing pleasure:



*melt* this sweetie has stolen my heart *^_^*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!!! : D

went to watch the fireworks at columbia lake this year as per tradition :)
they were so gorgeous ^_^ i especially like the ones that go straight up in a line and then fan out like an angel or something beautiful such as that.
and sitting there drowning in "What a Wonderful World", my head laid back in the grass, with the smell of Tiger balm in the air and surrounded by kat, jo, g, patty, and all the accounting people... i thought. wow. it IS a wonderful world. the sky is lighting up in breathtaking lights and colours, i have a few hours left of completely free summer fun to enjoy, i have amazing friends who love me, and i live in the greatest country ever.
God has blessed me with so, so much... words just couldn't say ... i can't wipe this grin off my face :D

*and* i got a glowstick!!!!!!!!!!!
hehe!

health and fitness





went running tonight. first time since rugby season ended...
i have managed to lose much of the "fitness" i gained over the season. i got a cramp. i stopped getting cramps at the end of the season and now they're back. bleh. maybe it's just cuz i suddenly started running again ... maybe no cramps tommorow. but still, there's something about running by yourself at night. even with cramps... it's refreshing.

i am on a "no starch" diet. no bread, potatoes, rice.... etc.
of course, i sucks, but if i want to achieve my summer goal (lose 30lbs) ... i gotta stick to it.
it's not really about the numerical weight... more about the "look".
but no worries i'm not going anorexic... :P



tiff- it was great to hear from you... lighted up my evening

the secret garden


it's just an old gazebo.
but sometimes, more often than not i like to picture that it's a secret garden.
i'll walk through it pretending it isn't somewhere i go almost every week
and imagine my overwhelming enchantment in finding a secret garden of my very own.
a place where i can get away and be someone completely different.
where no one has any preconceptions about my character.
where past mistakes do not exist.
where no one even knows my name.
and there, no one tells me to grow up, no one tells me what i can't do right.
i'm not a burden.
and i'll stand there and take it all in and come out
refreshed...
back in the real world thinking maybe things aren't so bad... maybe ... maybe...

but anyways, it's just an old gazebo.

goodbyes said.

becoming empty memories.

goodbyes already begun.

but have not yet been said.
... ... ... ...

on a happier note-- i got a chance to talk to eumie for like 2 min :)
it may not seem like a long time but just hearing her voice was so good enough.
i miss you. thanks for making my day :)

it hit me in the middle of dinner.

free at last!!! :)

chilled with kat and dora after our exam .. jo was eating lunch with her dad... and so we came back to my place and talked for a bit... and then we made a cd... it's called the "Freedom Mix" LOL... the title attributed to our relief from the horrible thing called exams :P ..
i'm so addicted to this cd it rocks:

1. Blinded : Third Eye Blind
2. Summertime : Moonpools and Caterpillars
3. The Way I Feel : Twelve Stones
4. Bring Me to Life : Evanessence
5. Girl-Girfriend : Babysitters Club [this is the best song on the entire mix haha we took like an hour to find it lol :)]
6. Swing Swing : The All-American Rejects
7. The Remedy : Jason Mraz
8. Here's to the Night : Eve 6
9. Irene : Toby Mac
10. Braided Hair : Neneh Cherry and Speech
11. I Want You : Third Eye Blind
12. Inside Out : Eve 6
13. The People : The Music
14. Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble : Delirious
15: Steve McQueen : Sheryl Crow

after that we went to the mall resolving to blast Girl-Girlfriend on the way there lol...
ate some pitas, checked out some hotties (esp. Hass from the Gap who happens to be dora's bro's friend), and that's abotu it :).. dora bought some sunglasses. i didn't get anything. cept for the pita of course.
anyways -- was a fun day :) but i guess the feeling of freedom didn't really hit me until the middle of dinner. i jsut started grinning really big and rocking back and forth in my chair my parents were staring at me like O_o.. lol

i have been reading http://kalypsobekka.blogspot.com lately... no i don't know this person. but she writes amazingly...
i just can't resist good writing =P anyways this girl is majorly talented if you wanna read good poetry-- that's where it's "at". haha.

finally with exams over.. i now have time to catch up with people.. and fix some problems...
YAY! :D

it is saturday. most likely the hottest day yet this year.

and i am sitting in dc library which has been my home away from home for the past week.

it's not so bad... i mean... i concentrate alot better here than when i'm at home and stuff.. and the archetechture of the ceiling is really nice ... and the guy in the cubicle thing across from me is wearing swiss army cologne...

but honestly. I'm SUPPOSED to be at wonderland NOT studying for biologY!~!!!!!
*inhale* *exhale*
and i'm about to keel over from cramps. -_-

i wake up this morning and i'm like. oh gosh.
my one w.eek free just like the commercial.

ugh. anyways. i'm going to get back to studying now.
next week-- starting at 10:00 am on monday i am going to PARTY for a week straight!

well i'm pretty sure i just failed my physics exam.

goodbye honor roll.

"18 I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him"Isaiah 57:18

i am going to die.
i absolutely loathe exams.
i got four hours of sleep last night and i will get none tonight. 2 at best.
i'm getting sick... sneezing and my nose is runny. ew. and i'm dibbly breaking out. double ew.

i can not wait until next monday is over.
my only comfort?... knowing that i dont' need to be on the honor roll this year to get a white w at the end of highschool.

here's my exam schedule this week:
[i will prolly not blog for until next monday unless something extrememly traumatizing happens]
Wed. June, 18: English: 11:00 am , World History 1:30 pm
Thurs. June, 19: Physics 1:30 pm
Fri. June, 20: Math 1:30 pm
Mon. June 23: Biology 8:30 am

i'm out. going home to cram cram cram.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

i love you dad

happy birthday janey!!! :)
~
congrats to everyone who convocated esp gy, em, and bun :)
~
other thoughts

people always tell what's done is done and there isn't any way to change the past... all you can do is grow from it.
i think i'm really seeing how true that is today.
i guess things are always a matter of perspective and ..
well... sometimes things can seem desolate and we can view ourselves as failures.
and we can do that if we want.
but how much more productive is it if we just take whatever happened as something that happened and just use it to grow.
it may not even be something we have done wrong...
what's done is done. and in the end no matter what the outcome, character has been built from the situation.
and everyone still loves you.
~ i love you mom.

you know what i'm missing suddenly?
well it's not really out of the blue cuz i just talked to becca on icq for the first time in like a year..
i miss waterloo + kingston get togethers...!!!!
i miss becca, jon, crystal, pat, jenn, and them! (haha sorry kare and waiki but i see u :P )
ohhhh.... i remember back in the day when i used to have a seperate icq group for the kingston groupie and how we used to go to wonderland together every year and how me and jon always got into waterfights like every time we saw eachother... [that's me and a stream of water and jon's arm @ ccayc 2000]
and when waiki lent me those batteries, and becca loved ikea... rememebr when you lost your watch at ccayc99? and crystal and sebastian hehe platypus :) and pat and the tangy zip of miracle whip... and oh! that time we were at market village haha and i was shooting tapioca pearls at everyone and i accidentaly shot mango bubble tea at kare ... you smelled like mango the whole day :P ... and becca bought me this tare panda address book thingy =) i still have that. and JMC .. we played alot of soccer and went to mac's a lot... that was so fun! .. and chilling with pat and crystal at emmanual bible college when they came down here and we went to wimpy's and the burgers were the size of a personal pan pizza!.. and trampolining at waiki's and that big waterfight at becca and jon's hahaha that was so fun!... oh and your plays!... jenn being vashti, and crystal was esther and jon was king xerxes.. lol i forget who everyone else was :P
oh and your presents! :P the duct tape wrapped box remember that!? hahaha that was so much fun... we had an entire room full of duct tape, masking tape and newspaper :P ...
kare and me used to get into fights SOOO much of the time... O_o how retarded. it's funny cuz everyone always did their best to "help" ... these guys put up with a lot of crap from me. it was cool though.. we were always there for eachother even though we lived 4 hours apart... i always had a shoulder to cry on... and an ear to listen... i rememebr when i didnt' bring my bathing suit to jmc becca diddn't go and she chilled with me instead i forget what we did but that meant a lot.

OH MY GOODNESS I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!
we were like this one big family...
i think we should have a family reunion :P .

Non Sequitur: Wiley Miller

miss vickies makes the best chips ever.
esp sweet chilli and sour cream-- OMG. so good =P,,,

i suddenly really feel like reading Purpose Driven Life...
i have the book but i lent it to my dad so i haven't started it. but apparently it's really good according to a lot of people so maybe i'll start it as soon as exams end.

i don't enjoy how the new blogger has this "lofi" version for "web browsers that lack robust Stylesheet and/or DHTML capabilities." obviously the school web browsers lacks these things.. i don';t like this lofi business.

btw, g u were right garnier fructis is VERY nice =) ... not only does its smell make me almost pass out in the shower but my hair feels LOVELEEE today :D
yay :)

i got 83% on my math test!!!!!!!!
ok yes. i know some of you are going "is that good?" ... *cough*dru *cough* ... but for me in MATH that's like... AwESOME :D
ahhhhh i'm so happy :) thanks God for helping me out =) cuz obviously an 83 in math for me is definitely divine intervention :) hehe
oh! also....

i have found my soulmate.

wow. i was goign thru my ym today telling eunie everything i saw that i wanted...
but if there is one thing i want -- the nokia 3650 is it.
oh *drool*... [please click on 'soulmate' to enjoy =P]

the power of prayer

something really cool happened today...

i am exerpting this from an icq convo because i'm too lazy to retype it out:

well there's this girl ... and shecame to our church for the first time last summer... her aunt brought her... she's not a christian... and at first when she came we weren't very nice to her... and then after i felt bad so i made a commitment to call her regularily and be really ncie to her and invite her to church things... and stuff and for a while i did and she came a lot more often..
but then somehow i stopped calling as much and stuff and she hasnt' come for like 4 months.. she called me like 2 weeks ago but i was out and i lost her # so couldn't call her back
and so today the sermon was abotu spreading the gospel etc... and so i thot of her and i was like crap... so i prayed and was liek "God... sorry for compeltely forgetting about her.. if you could give me another chance to reach out to her that would be really great and i'll try my hardest..." so after service i go downstairs to the kitchen and there she is standing right there after 4 months.

and i was like "wow God that was super fast."

anyways... i thoguth that was really cool i mean... God answers prayers btu usually for me the reply isn't so... abrupt..
which was a really cool experience =) so yeah thanks God :)

just created this new picture page thingy ...
check it out

also... i finally figured out how to change font size from this funky chickens html help site yay!!! =) thankyou chickens. i'm addicted.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EM!!!!!!!! =D

i just logged into blogger and found that..... i've been switched over to the new version! =) i like. =) i wanna make some changes soon too..

i haven't blogged for days.. i just haven't really been in the mood i guess..
but this long, terrible week is finally over and i think things should take a turn for the better from here.

in regards to Lynch... after i wrote that blog entry i was in tears and went down the hall as i was going to make a phone call... i ran into my guidance cousellor aka my ex careers teacher mr. ranton who asked me what was wrong and i guess i really needed to talk abotu it cuz i splurged and told him everything... and basically he was like "oh my gosh ... that makes me so mad! that's sexual harrassment... you know... we have a zero tolerance policy for that..." and well i was reluctant to tell the vp at first but then ranton was like "why don't we call dora down here and talk abotu it and then you can decide" so we did and basically i decided to tell the vp and .. yeah. so it's out of my hands now. but i told because i dont' want him thinking he can get away with it and have it happen to someone else. last i heard, Lynch denied it and said that it was his friend who did it. ha some friend he is. but dora saw with her very own eyes. and i'm sure his friend is not going to admit to something he didn't do .. sooo.. i dunno. i haven't really been thinking about it too much. trying not to. thanks to all my great friends who were there makin sure i was ok :) love you

rugby party on thursday was a blast =) jenn's house is SOOOOOO nice -- INDOOR POOL! ... plus a hot tub and a sauna... and it was a lot of fun hanging out with the team again.. i really missed it.

bunches of ppl here and there


playing chubby bunny-- mel, court, durst


just being weiiirdd.... -- nikki, jenn --- elba --- amy, nikki

i haven't been so overwhelmingly angry in such a long time.
i remember just last week ranting to g about how much i despised ryan lynch
who for refrence is the BIGGEST loser in the entire world.
*steeaaaaammmm*
also for reference i am NOT used to sexual harrassment nor am i one of those kids that gets picked on or anything or has no friends. although it really doesn't matter whether i am or am not... these events should NOT have occured.
ryan lynch is this grade twelve guy who thinks he owns the school. but i guess the only reason he hasn'tbeen ridiculed until his ass waskicked into the streets is because he is too gay for people to bother with him and because of a select few who think he is in some way attractive. i guess... in a movie he'd be one of those dumb athletic guys who pick on people for fun and to fulfil their lack of self esteem... but unlike the movies he doesn't specifically target the people who can't seem to defend themselves-- he does it to EVERYONE. and gosh it pisses me the hell off!! i mena, i've never liked him since i heard him and his friend yell racist comments out of their car at a bunch of arabic people... but i just happen to be in the wrong places in the wrong times i guess because i have stumbled into his disgusting path a number of times. the first time... i was walking to mikey's up hickory. and as i was at the intersection of hickory and ... i forget the name of the street... their car turned the corner and he screamed out the window at me. i friggin jumped and screamed .. and i was a bit pissed but at the same time it *was* sorta funny and he didn't really do anything. but then him and his stupid friends made fun of kat becuase she took a book out of the library! liek what the fack!?!?! (as kat would say) . and then last week when he retardedly stuffed stuff in his shirt to make his arm look muscular and then came up to me and put his arm in my face.. i was soooo pissed especially after him having been staring at my chest... i was like "FUCK OFF" and kept walking. yes i know i know the language.. but gosh! i just ... he made me so mad. and JUST NOW... dora and i were walking up the stairs from the caf and i felt liek a pushing from behind me. i thought itw as jsut the crowd so i turn around and see his ugly face and i'm just like "oh my God" and turned back around. for some reason i thought he solution was to ignore him. but that was dumb considering he TOUCHED MY ASS!!!! he FREAKING TOUCHED MY ASS! .. i was gonna turn around and push him down the stairs .. but concern for the people behind him prevented me from doing so. and as he walked past me he wa slike "it wasn't me".
yeah whatever you retard only my BEST FRIEND was standing stagerred and SAW YOU DO IT you asshole.
and he has the audacity to turn to dora and grin at her. she gave him the dirtiest look.
who does he think he is?!
i have never been sexually harrassed before.

i'm gonna cry. this has been the WORST day.

a big congrats to eunie!!!

on the topic of university....
tiff and i were talkign about where we were gonna go after next year....and how it would be cool if we both went to the same university namely waterloo. i was amused. here's how it went:

tiff: it would be cool if we both went to waterloo! we could be roomates!

jasy: yeah! ... we could live at WRCI..... we could live at b1-06! haha..

tiff: WE COULD BE EUMING AND ANITA!!!!!

rofl.

oh btw, i quirked around tiff's blog a little so go check it out and sign her guestbook :)

saw auntie rebecca today! haven't seen her for such a long time!!! =) she is still the exact same so that was cool =) hehe...

met up with adrienne (aka b1) at st. cin's today =) twas cool to get a chance to catch up, eat cinnamon buns and discuss how the male population of waterloo is well... *anyways*... hahaha..
yes.. i am in a boy crazyish mood today =P

di called!!!! =) velly nice to talk... see how things are going in aussie =) .. and also nita woke up in the nick of time so i got to chat with her for a bit too which was super cuz i haven't talked to her on da fone in like SO long and ... yeah. i was happy :)

mmm.. that's all the happy and semi interesting things that happened today =) niteynite

today while talking to ellyssa (sp?) ... i was talking about how if i could part with moocow for the summer, i was gonna give him to tiff so he could see australia =) and have pictures take then there and stuff ... and she was saying about how in amelie, the girl gave a gnome to her friend and did the same thing! .. i was going to borrow amelie from yuling last term to watch but i forgot...so i haven't seen it yet but i wanna see it even more now..
oooohhh i do hope i am able to let go of moocow for a while cuz that would be so fun for him!! and amusing for me =) hehe

did you see that? "i do hope.." haha .. i was reading anne of the windy poplars while soaking in my bubble bath... i love anne of green gables ... everytime i read it i get into such a *romantic* mood after wards.. and i just swoon over the tiniest things =)
ok i usually do swoon over the tiniest things but i do it so much more poetically after having read it.

i finally uploaded tc pics... yes i know tc was 2 and a half months ago but i never thought of it until just today... =P there's still a lot more but i am too lazy to put them all up... HERE sign in as moomoobear and the password is smileyface.

PLUS



EQUALS

non stop laughter and kat screaming =P also i think i screamed a bit too when the shark came =P

i give this movie a 5 out of 4 it was SOOOOO good =)
lol... THE best =)
made me forget about all the poopie things that went on today... =) nice to hang out with my girls =) and since dora has her g2 now we were able to not squish in the car and sing Dumb Girls at the top of our lungs =) and talk about most everything without having to whisper or speak chinese haha...
anyways .. go see Finding Nemo!!! =)

also i got a haircut today... ntohign too drastic just more layers ... yeah. tried the new korean place ... it's actually pretty good but not as good as my hairdresser.. but she wasn't available today...

"15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[3] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Rom. 7: 15-20

my apologies to anyone who was offended by my previous post.
did i mean everything i said? no.
do i ever when i'm ranting? no.
but i do reserve the right to be frustrated.
i did say it was a rant didn't i?
and i dind't say i hated anyone.
and no. this person doesn't even know i have a blog.
at least not to my knowledge.

thanks kreazeless gurlz... you three are the best.

"I can't talk to you right now, I'm late for a meeting with my guidance counselor"

i don't know how many times i have fumed and raved about how much i despise just being "the friend" all the time.
well... yeah. i guess i dont' only frown on it when guys ask me about my friends... i just generally dislike when people repeatedly make certain comments about them. i mean it's nice to hear someone say "wow! your friend *** is so gorgeous!!!" once in a while =) i'm happy for my friends yeah. but then ... when it becomes like a routine thing. like every time someone sees them or their picture "oh wow she's so pretty!" then it just gets annoying. like yes. i know she's pretty whoopdeedoo. and yes i also know she is smart and amazing at sports and can do this and this and this and this . and yeah? she can also bullsh** and kiss your ass pretty well too huh?!
grr.
like freakin get to know someone before "you" *(you being people in general) judge them. i mean, granted i don't look like Quasimodo but shoot me if i can't feel a little hurt because my friend can just stand there and have whatchamever people flocking towards her or asking me gazzillions of questions about her because of her "amazing beauty". people just *assume* that she is also intelligent, spiritual, and mature. well yah you forgot athletic and "has everything".

and you know what? maybe she seems to have everything. but what you see there on the surface.. isn't the real deal. not all of it anyways. and maybe she knows how to slap on a dumpload of make up and keep her mouth shut except to say all the right thngs and kiss butt-- but newsflash! so can i. i just choose not to. i'd rather be this real live flaw-filled girl anyday than a perfect fake.

ending rant now.

rugby




what an amazing experience.
it's crazy how much i'm gonna miss rugby now that the season's over ... our second year team fought hard to get into playoffs and continued to fight hard to win waterloo county quarter finals and semi finals... at finals we faced the only team we'd lost to all season-- the undefeated Grand River people.. and lost again =P .. however the top two teams of each county continued on to face all the top teams of central and western ontario yesterday at cwossaa in hopes of moving on once more to ofssaa to play against the top teams of all of ontario...
i think we were pretty proud of being a second year team at cwossaa yesterday, and playing the Walkerton Trojans who won bronze in ofssaa last year, we didnt' really expect to win... and we didn't =P but we walked away from that knowing we had played hard and had a great time =) ...

i still remember back to the beginning of the season. the first practice was insane. it hit me like a thousand pound boulder being dropped on my head of how out of shape i really was. by the end of that practice my voice was completely gone and i was seeing splotches of random colour flashing in my eyes. desperately calling g to meet me at st. cins i remember just freaking out to her so much in between gulps of water and gasps of air of how it would be impossible for me to make it through the season...
there were ups and downs... dreading practice, trying to get more fit, being completely frustrated about not being able to do thigns right... but then there was the team. the team made it all one of the best experiences ever. just knowing that no matter how skilled or not skilled someone was at whatever... whether someone was having a good day or a bad day... everyone was there supporting her. cheering her on. for some people it was the tackling or the scrums or the kicks .. for me it was the running. gosh man. i suck so much at running. and yeah i was pretty slow and wanted to give up so much in the beginning .. but when everyone runs together as a team and your friends are all around you cheering you on or the best player on the team is running beside you grabbing your arm and dragging you that extra 20 m to the end... it's ... quite an experience. At first.. very humbling because i rarely do things that i can't do well for the sake of my pride... but then... just a great feeling in knowing you have so much support and that no one really cares whether you can run or etc or not. rugby this season has taught me about perseverance and teamwork and has been the subject of many conversations, laughter, and tears, and has been the basis upon which i have built many amazing friendships that i truly treasure. =)
and when we are all in a big bunch with our hands piled up and we cheer "family", that means something.
and i wouldn't trade that for all the days i missed sitting on my couch watching Passions. =)

poooooop!
blogger deleted my template!!!
>_< had to start all over =P

happy *actual* birthday jess! =) hehe =)

CWOSSAA at Walkerton tommorow lol baha.. bringing lots of water =P
prolly last day of rugby this season *tear*

yay for eunie! who loves sunset beach like me =D
fyi, Sunset Beach was only *the* best soap ever until it ended =P

thanks for the cheesecake tiff =) it was yummy

gonna go to bed so i can get up tommorow... bus leaves at SEVEN!? O_o.
nite.

[saturday]
happy birthday jess!!! =) ... or is it tommorow?... =P

chilled at em's all day =) ate alot =)

bball - jo tiff mo wall simon and alex... my exercise for the weekend before cwossaa!!!!... oh btw, did i mention we lost finals? =P
so we're second best in Waterloo County... but considering we're only a second year team i think that's pretty darn good =) hehe ..
anyways monday we have cwossaa and that'll be it for the season... unless we win at cwossa which is ... highly unlikely. but we made it there at least! =) i'm gonna miss my team...

gray

i see gray.
this city is so dull right now. even the sky was gray today... thunder clouds looming overhead... sharp breeze and soon rain.
the weather seemed to eat up the city as if it was so sick of the monotony of it all, it decided to envelope it in its own version of gloom.
waterloo is so cold...
waterloo is so boring-- i complained to alexis on the phone, who happens to be in toronto. lucky duck. also i'm a lucky duck for him coming to the rescue as i was slowly being eaten away to death by the big gray monster called Melancholy.
i dunno. i supposed i have been feeling pretty blah for a few days. admist the extreme dullness, a few things have happened this week. none really significant or interesting or still existing enough to mention... other than Heid called yesterday =) it was nice to be able to catch up since she's in aussie and all ...
nice that she thought of me. made me feel really good considering i've been overwhelmed with feelings of insignificance lately i guess. you kno what's hard? feeling like a bother. it's always up to your own interpretation i suppose which is why it's so frustrating... cuz sometimes you'll think "i'm being a nuisance" and then you'll be like "oh no i shouldn't think that. that's so mean to think that so and so is treating me like a bother." i've tried to avoid the feeling but i guess now that i have some moments to spare i realize i feel very inconsequential. i'm not sure if that word is being used in the correct context.i don't know. just doesn't seem like people care very much anymore. not that God isn't good enough for me or i think i am going to die alone or whatever... but it still hurts.
meh.
so anyways... things like heidi calling and alexis letting me bug him while he's reading his comics has really brightened things up a little =)
unfortunately neither of them are here.
and so i'm back to how waterloo is the most boring place on the face of the earth.

a few things i've had on my mind a bit:
- is it possible to have no expectations whatsoever?
doesn't seem to be working for me. i mean... i do try. but there's jsut certain things that i do expect and ... well can you force yourself not to expect something that you do? and isn't it even MORE impossible when wants are considered expectations? like.. i can maybe want something and not expect it but if a want is considered an expectation then that's jsut .. well i am not at that level of maturity for sure. i guess maturity would be the word to use. self control?

- when we pray for something like... the weather being nice..
and say you're camping and you pray for no rain and it doesn't rain and you're like "PRAISE GOd! it didn't rain on me!" and it's like all incorporated into this big plan that God has for it not to rain on you. but if it rains then it has nothing to do with God ... i can't think of a better example off the top of my head but it seems like .. alot of the time it's like that.. when good things happen it's always God but when bad things happen it's never God. i'm not saying i blame God for the bad things that happen to me... or not even bad things more like good things *not* happenning.. but i dont' understand ... can it actually be adjusted like that? deciding what God does and does not affect?...i'm not really sure .. i have to think about it more. but yeah. just curious if anyone knows "the answer".

ps. my archives disappeared =( and blogging is too stupid to let me replublish them =(

purpose

sometimes things are so confusing because you don't know what is the right*est* thing to do..
i mean, more than one thing can be the "right" thing... but each has its downfalls...
but when you've figured it out finally, you have to do it.. even though it may break someone's heart and your own.
i'm so proud of you.

and at the same time i'm also stunned. i stand and look at the craziness i ... we went through.
and all for what?...
it seems like it was all for broken dreams.

but then i think again.
and no. maybe it was for the new found strength we have gained through this experience, or the lesson in considering eachother before ourselves, or the bond that is so much stronger between us because we know we made it.
maybe God was trying to show us something.

maybe that's what it was for.

30 hour was great =)
well... besides the hunger part =).. a great time of fellowship with everyone!
and in the end it was nice to have reflected on how certain people feel everyday... and how blessed we truly are to be able to have such abundant "supplies"... and how we shoudl really be thanking the Lord SO much everyday..
below: [left to right] top row: wayne, esther, jeff, wall, jasy, alex, caleb, dora
2nd row: jo, victoria, cyndi, simon, flo, kat, tiff



specially thanks to wayne =) thanks for chilling with us for 24 hours and helping everything work =) much appreciated =)