happy birthday nate and oh!!!

way WAYYYYY too hot

i thought i missed summer weather... uhh no. it is SO hot. i died at practice today cuz it was so freakin hot and now in my house we haven't turned on the a/c yet (and my mom refuses to turn it on for some reason) everything is hot and sticky. like the bottoms of my feet are hot. it's sticky in here. it doesnt'help to open the windows either.

oh and here's a pic (courtesy of jo) of me viv jo and tiff after the wci vs jhss game on fri... i look like O_o because i just played. and my shorts are white because the field wasn't muddy :P



i'm gonna go get some icecream.

song of the moment: Tension : Our Story ... tension is awesome. i. am. a. fob.

sob. haha

i had a good weekend and now it's back to school again... eeeeeeeee.. ok. not complaining.

we played tiff's team on friday which was really fun! :) score was 37-5 for us and i got my arm bent back weird i was totally running for a few seconds with no feeling in it...
went and saw Mean Girls later that night--- SO funny. everyone should see this movie... yeah good times hanging out with the girls and stuff :)

mm...saturday is in the previous post...

sunday-- wow. this was like TRAIN WRECK DAY. i somehow did something to my alarm clock and it just was stuck on 8:30 ... i wanted to get up at 9:00 seeing as i knew i was leading worship but every time i looked at my clock it said 8:30. ok ok i know that it should somehow register in my mind that it wasn't changing but i was sleepy! ... sooooo i got to church at like 10:10 only arriving to find it was technically okay that i was late because our powerpoint got ERASED! i have no idea how. we'd used it the night before cuz we did the same set for the yaf on sat nite... anyhow it was pretty embarressing having started late and just woken up basically 10 minutes prior.. when i started singing it was the first time i'd sang that morning. it was SO AWFUL. i apologize to those whose ears i hurt.. haha but i am sure God understands, knowing the circumstances :P
after service i went home to shower and then we went up to tiff's for a bbq :)

yeah... bought some white flip flops which some girl STEPPED on the back of them today!!!! brand new white flipflops already tainted haha :P

oh also-- if you're bored, take the FOB test ... i got 50% O_o

reasons

i started this weekend out in a really disappointed kind of attitude.. see, a bunch of us were supposed to go down to toronto to visit euming from fri nite to sunday afternoon... we were supposed to go to the zoo today (kinda funny cuz kreazeless has been trying to get to the zoo together since grade nine :P) but because of conflicts and incontrolable inconveniences, our plans fell through and we didnt' end up getting to go. and so yeah, i was really bitter and i guess i felt like i really needed this trip out and whatnot...

Tonight there was this joint fellowship thingy between young adult (our parents) and praylude. i'd heard about it for a week... and i really didn't want to go. i mean, i heard it was going to be some sort of panel discussion or somethign and i was just so bitter thinking how can i go to this thing when i *should* be in tdot visiting eumie?? .. but...i ended up going. and i'm really glad.

sometimes... God has all these reasons for things that you don't know until so much later. that's been happening to me a bit this year. and tonight too. PT did kind of a workshop type thingy and i felt like it really applied to me, got me thinking alot. although, perhaps i felt at first that it was a really lame exchange of plans for the weekend, it's where i feel God really wanted me to be. wanted me to hear these things firsthand. about humilty. about seeing ourselves the way He sees us. letting Him work instead of trying to 'fix' everything ourselves.

something that was said really hit me. something like "pride is when we become independant and think we can do things ourselves, think we have to fix things"... i'm not sure if that was the exact wording but something to that effect. i guess i started thinking about UW. about how maybe if i dont' get in, it could be because God wants to put me in a situation in which i'll have to rely completely on Him, instead of being somewhere where i feel like i'm still somewhat in control. not that i dont' want to go to UW still ... but it made me think about good reasons of why maybe God *could* choose a different path for me.

and it was good to have discussions with different people... fun even. and it was really good to be able to fellowship with my family. (well with my parents)... to pray with my family. we dont' really get the opportunity to do that alot. to share, to pray for eachother... and so, i think i understand the reasons why i wasn't in toronto this specific weekend. although i would have really liked to go. and although i miss people alot. and i wanted to go to the zoo... sometimes... it's not really up to me. i really have to recognize these things earlier. recognize these type of things before God displays before me the answer, the reasons His way is always so much better. i guess it's jsut hard becuase i *am* proud, and untrusting.

How humbling.

okay so i put up a poll on the side bar under "vote" because i'm having trouble deciding and i'd like some outside opinions soooooo everyone HAS to vote-- even if you don't know, just vote. dooooo it. okay? fenshoo! :)

oh and i added some new linkies : abe from lazarus, michellie, and shabba aka anita tong :)

"Is it fair to say i was lured away? By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will is the better one to blame for this familiar mess I've made again" nn

is there such thing as a 'neccessary evil'?
is it so bad to take the 'easy way out' of things when you know that you can do better after situations are fixed?
sometimes it's like there's so much pressure and then you'd jsut rather do one little tiny wrong thing that will make things pressure free as well as clear the slate for the future. i know it's not exactly good... but is there a little space for something like this as a Christian?
good gawd. what kind of a person am i? ......... one that just needs things to be okay *now*.

hm.. so had lunch with kare, heid, and jo today and then went back to kare's place for a bit geetared and stuff it was really good :) haven't had time with this specific group for a while :) reminded me kind of of old times .... cept without my tantrums haha went over to waiki's 'bachelor pad' for a bit after that had some chocolate icecream :9 oh and borrowed his nichole nordeman cd wheee so i've been listening to it over and over for the whole night haha

oh! and i finally saw love actually on fri nite after praylude--- SO GOOD!!!!! *gush*

may....

okay i'm back. bring it on. :P

my blog and i are breaking up temporarily.
temporarily means within the time span of a day and forever.
this place is just too... much for me lately. not too much to update but just too much in ways i can't explain.

in the meantime you can find me at http://jazzmoo.blogspot.com my new linkless, commentless, imageless, stream of conciousness blog... as i said it's commentless so if it so strikes you to comment feel free to drop me an email at my new email addy moomoobear@gmail.com.
be warned though, the idea of this one is that it's completely for myself and if you ahve the urge to tell me after reading it that i am completely self-absorbed, i can assure you that is my intent.

okay ciao until 'next time' :P

i had the desperate need to destroy myself in some way

sometimes when it all just comes down to your own inabilities... inadequacies... sometimes when you just can't trust right

no matter who you think hurt you or tore you down

it comes back here. to this place where i wanna rip my own heart out so no one else can. walk away from myself so no one else can anymore.

life is hard but God is good. but i'm not.

what is it i need to become that woman of God. to give that all that i haven't given, to gracefully retract my clenching will from it all? to surrender. to learn. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

happy birthday tara!

the first relaxing day in over a month

practice was cancelled today i'm pretty sure i stressed kat out by walking back and forth from the school getting stuff i'd left behind... i'm so incredibly absentminded. yesterday i left my bag on the bus when we got to grand river and then i left my vest on the field when we were leaving.. the assistant coach thinks i'm the biggest dork. well i am but still haha..

anyhow, chilled at mikeys, got some bbt at teashop saw eunie, went to eumie's and after dropping some stuff off at the kershaw place got dinner with eumie and eunie at golden mango (so full still), then went back to eumie's and talked and took down lights and stuff... it's crzy i'm never gonna see that place again it's kind of weird, until jo and i live there if we go to waterloo hahaha (i had dibs since grade 10~!!!) yeah but.. id unno it was nice to just chill and not do anyhting not worry about work ... say goodbyes... .kinda sad... okay really sad.

got home and found out i got into ryerson whee!... id unno.. okay i should be happier. maybe it's because i'm sad that eumie's leaving... or maybe it's just i dont' know how to decide between the three i've gotten accepted to.. the simplest solution would be to have uw accept me. or at least reject me so i know i have to decide. not htat i'm not thankful to get another acceptance! really i am... getting antsy i guess.

put up some christmas lights.

happy 18th jobanana!!!!!! cna't believe this. its' insane... 3- 18 .. gawd. YOu're not sick of me yet!! :D ... haha... things you can do now: vote, sign yourself out, sign forms, buy ciggies, rent porn, everything your parents say you can't do haha (irt the last three-- i said you CAN didn't say you WILL :P)

saltfleet was a blast :) i actually played despite my absences.. got my face stepped on good times good times

so i came home and a few seconds later lo and behold my parents are frantically telling me to open this letter from carleton and... i got in! :) praise God! i think he really knew how much i needed this right now. he does generally have very good timing. :P and with everything... just... this is a big encouragement :) thanks God.
hmm.. soo maybe i'll be in ottawa next year...

after tomorrow i will be FREE (pretty much)! INSTEAD of at home doing homework til ungodly hours of the night i will instead be found engaging in these activities:
- exhibition game at grand river tmrw
- shopping
- WATCHING THE O-C
- farewell dinners.......... :*(
- sleeping sleeping sleeping and more sleeping

basically-- NOT SCHOOL STUFF. ahhhhh :) i can almost taste it :)

p.s. YAY LEAFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha
my dad bought FOUR desks each for $3 and two chairs for $1 from that uw surplus place :P so crazy *four* desks!! what do we need four desks for??

saltfleet tourney tomorrow... should be interesting since i haven't been there for the past two things she's not goign to play me. ahhh wells. i'll be the photographer. i do that better anyhow :)

do you ever know things but pretend they aren't happening, and get really defensive when people spot them becuase you just really dont' want it to be happening so kind of by denying they're happening it's like they aren't happening even when they are? did that make any sense? lol

little plant

what's harder than doing everything you possibly can to change...

is doing nothing at all and letting God change you himself.

but maybe... it's time to let go of self-empowerment and and pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to work in the unworkable.

not a whiney post

not that i'm not allowed to whine here. it is *my* blog afterall. but i'm not gooiing to!

guess who called the other day? ... abel! :P
for those of you who don't know... that is my driving instructor that i stood up in december ¬_¬(oops) becuase of course switching stuff and never had the guts to call back. "it's been a long time..." he says... and apparently my lessons are going to expire soon so i have to get them done. so monday it's back to the driving lessons for me :P not that i haven't been driving ... but i forget how to park... eeek.

i got my hair rehilighted.. well it's the same colour just the top part isn't black now so it's all hilighted once again.. and i got a trim... nothing BAM .. like you migh tnot really notice if i didn't tell you or you werne't really paying attention. but i like it. the split ends are gone hair doesn't feel so much like straw.

i have valentines sitting on my desk and i don't have the heart to throw them out. i can't mail them now though-- i should really get into the habit of finishing things that i start.

everyone check out jo's blog it's nice she changed the layout so no scroll bars yay i think scroll bars are really annoying and i want to change my layout too though cuz i'm getting bored of it but of course, i'm too lazy.

i want a baby.

sometimes when something really bad happens and you know you can't do anything about it, wouldn't you rather just cry it out and not talk about it?
because you know that if you talk about it people are either going to criticize you or offer possible solutions when you know there is no solution. And even if there are technically solutions to your one problem, they are either unethical or spawn new problems...

so i think the best solution would be for me to mope under my covers and cry until my eyes fall out of my head. and then mope about it some more. unfortunately that will have to be detained until i finish prepping for this presentation. but if anyone wants to call me and tell me how wonderful of a person i am and that everything will be fine that would be appreciated haha jk ;)

what comes after

a good cry. it's surprising
really
how tiring sobbing under a comforter can be
and how easy it is to fall asleep and
forget,

waking to swollen eyes
but walking into a restaurant to find european
caring,
sticking up for you.
it's nice when people are on your side,

funny family, even though they didn't used to be
that,
they include you, as if you belong.
"our own people"

and finding the restaurant you hate for lunch makes an excellent dinner.

i like how i can spend a day thinking about this and that... about change people life wants hurt ... everything... and it really comes back to this. who cares.
who freakin cares?... :) it's so good to come back... i'm always knowing that He's all that matters... but not neccessarily KNOWING knowing. such a peace.

"Your love is better than all things/ Your love is better than all things/ And I don’t have the strength of words/ To tell You truly how I feel/
My God, You are the only one/ For me, the only one for me/ My God, Your love is better than all other loves/ And now You’re drawing me/ And I just want to be closer to You"

the 'm' word

i really haven't thought about 'm'aturity for quite a while. i think it's jsut becuase university is approaching and i'm afraid that i'm not ready. i used to give maturity a lot of thought, alot of time... i guess it used to matter to me a lot more.
mostly because when i was much younger and hanging around with older people i felt looked down on or judged because of my age, and i was determined to prove that i was more mature than they initially judged me to be before they knew me. which i guess is an immature thing to do in itself.
the thing about being younger though, is that people make up excuses for you for the stupider things you do... People used to tell me i was 5, 6 years more mature than my age... but i think it's because the immature things i did were brushed off because of my age. id unno. i guess i'm just used to getting away with things all these years that now it's like certain immature thoughts/things that i do are still here. but now i'm turning 18... no longer subject to agist judgements ... that i don't really care... and maybe i even try to be less mature sometimes because i think that's the way i'm "supposed" to act... and people don't make 'excuses' for me anymore...

in any case, last night someone told me i was "half and half" in htat sometimes my thoughts and reflections are really mature, but sometimes i act super immature... and it was weird thinking about this. i didn't realize i was such a flake :P i think i'm just really immature all the time hahaha... the point is......... i don't know what the point is, this is just on my mind and i felt like typing it out.
BLAH I HATE SCHOOL.

congrats jo on your baptism yesterday!!!!! :) :)

after that we had pho and then kreazeless+mo went to see ella enchanted hehe which was good! and really cute :) anne hathaway is cool. everyone should go see ella enchanted it's funny :) not to mention the guy is pretty cute too ;)

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an Old Rugged Cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the Old Rugged Cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

Oh that Old Rugged Cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that Old Rugged Cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the Old Rugged Cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

highlighter hands, highlighter nose, heavy feet ankles, weak
suppose for a moment that i didn't constantly fall, what a joke
it's that extra centimetre i couldn't jump foot or two
i couldn't run without
gasping
it's that basket i make when no one's looking
but those flustered fumbles that happen when all eyes are turned
around
it's that thing i never called poetry until i was
convinced
and then it's like i did something so wrong to feel remotely good about myself. and it's in my face again how i really can't... how it isn't.
what always happens
like i'm not allowed to be happy for too long, i hit myself
for telling people i want to go to uw next year
like that'll happen.
and then i'll have to live with everyone knowing i got rejected
again.
abandoned
as always.
and i wonder, why did You die for this piece of garbage?

my 'visual' has changed now to a slideshow instead of just one pic :P check it.
i didn't make up the code or anything it's from codelifter :P more coming but i'm too lazy to upload anymore imgs right now.

potpourri

- my business teacher cried today saying about how much she loved our class and was going to miss it. it was soo sad! i really like her, i mean, she's a good teacher despite her messing up of my mark. she keeps me interested. i like international business. but not this report i'm writing. all nighter? most likely. i will post when i go to bed.

- a saying i dont' believe in is : Absence makes the heart grow fonder
that's not true at all. sometimes people forget or sometimes there's jsut so much going on that if something's not right in your face you dont' really think about it. and the less you think about it the less it matters and the less it matters the even LESS you think about it and... andd... okay.

- rugby has been okay... i've toyed with the idea of quitting. ms. a is less understanding this year (most likely due to her pregnancy) and sometimes i just have work to do and can't go to practice. i mean on a balance-- university or practice, university or practice... hmmm. i think i pick university.
but it's been good. the team is great all except well, christine who i already didn't like last year. yesterday she tried to tackle ms. a. 8.5 months pregnant ms armatage!!! like HELLO i knew you were stupid but i didn't think you were THAT stupid. it was really funny though everyone was just standing there giggling. the tournament was fun too though, and i'm getting a sweater and pants with rugby and my name on them which is exciting :P

- i can not WAIT until after practice tomorrow. weekend = sleep.
btw, does anyone know how much it costs to get things bound at kinkos?

And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

Fragile, frail, and so far from who we wanna be.

it's too early. honestly, at the end of this year i'm going to go back in my archives and count up how many times i said "it's too early to be here". I admit though, i enjoy my alone time. in the beginning of the year i complained about how i hated that i was alone during A spare since eveyrone else slept in. now, although i welcome my friends' company, i find i appreciate the days when no one comes which are rarer lately. and i find i sometimes unconciously ignore people. all the same i would rather be sleeping. i'm so tired i didn't even put my contacts in today. eee glasses are so annoyyyyinnnggg!

had dinner in mississauga last night with tiff's fam which was cool becuase fiona's back so it was good to see her again.. the food at emerald is pretty good... fiona's mom bought us TEA!!!!!!!!!!!! umm.. not just any tea, the milk tea you can only get in hk that is SO GOOD and that we ran out of because i am so addicted.

not really much else to say except that after reading peoples' blogs i'm missing people alot. missing moments, missing voices. there's voices that make you feel so safe... feelings, words, just that particular way the sun comes off your back, the smell of the air, the moments i just stopped and breathed in to remember a smell a feeling that i can't recall anymore it's frustrating. breathed in contentment. i have this one specific moment that is honestly the picture of happiness for me. AHHH i wish i had it here but i will post it later. it's weird. i was alone at the time. but ... everytime i think about absolute contentment and peace, i pull this memory out.

okay enough of this. should go to class soon.. chocolate in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!

kat and i ran into eumie during c spare and ended up going out for lunch after picking up jo from school (dora was out at benny's)... was good being able to chat and stuff ... makes me miss the "girl's cell days" although we were missing three others...i've been missing that a lot lately. anyways that reminded me of my april banner and how it was april and i hadn't put it up yet :P the picture is from last april outside lailai oh how i miss those days.. the "sixteen" days where university was still seeming so far away.

Rugby tournament yesterday …eck I’m pretty sore today…but it’s a good sore…not as much in my legs like usual so I can walk. We came third overall in the tournament but second in our pool (there were two pools) I was confused though cuz I kept thinking we came second overall. But that would be the team who won the other pool… the only team we lost to was Sacred Heart who came first…we played them last year at cwossa and lost badly and apparently they won ofsaa before so I don’t’ feel bad haha..

Multicultural show started last night too… it went alright I guess but the mic was too high so basically no one could hear me anyways but shmeh! The song’s so high I don’t even want people to hear me singing so uglyish :P …

Not much else going on… waiting for acceptances/rejections… easter’s coming! Yay long weekend! And I still haven’t seen the Passion yet.

praise God praise God praise God!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

i got into Laurier!! ^_^

like this HUGE weight off my back knowing i'll be going to university next year even if all seven other uni's reject me. :)

i need to learn to trust more. ....... God is so weird. this year is TOTALLY *themed* ... i swear it's on purpose. kinda cool though :) wow. early admissions. who woulda thought..

""For i know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

krystal (jing) aka dragonlady-arch-nemisis won the sr. poetry english award. ... yeah, i'm a poor sport. but cmon her poem was called "A Glass Flake" how interesting that one musta been. nah... i'm sure it was really good. *sigh* i can't write. i can't get into university (thankyou alyssa :P). i can't do anythingngngnngnggn.
i will never ever write again.

ever

EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

"how is this day unlike other days?" oc

today
- gave blood: so weak... my muscles were like all cramping up too ... but i knew why! wow. biology semi paid off.
- international business essay exam: was okay
- sat around during rugby practice cuz of my blood loss yayyyyy
-found out we have a 6:30 am practice on wed. : not so yayyyyy
-watched... the O-C!!!!!!!!!! (what else? :P )

this week
-wednesday: HALF DAY! - lunch with kreazeless, DP, kat's new place
-thursday: first pre-season tournament at RIM!
-thursnite: multicultural show @wci
-fridnite: ditto thursnite

on my mind

I feel like i need withdrawal, and yet, i want to be surrounded by people at the same time. The past few nights i've been sleeping early. Crawling under my comforter trying to focus my thoughts on movies and tv shows where things generally have a happy ending. Where values and morals displayed are those saying "if you work hard, things will work out in the end" or "everyone has someone who loves them".

but movies arent' real life.

and i can talk on the phone about it all i want, i can "logic" myself out of it all i want... but in the end i can't help but be frustrated with things in my life. i can't help but wonder what the point of working so hard to catch up in courses was if in the end all that happened was them screwing up my marks and then not sending in the change until the DAY before people started getting acceptances. so that it's really too late because all the universities have already looked at the marks anyways. and how, HOW is that my fault!??! is it because i dind't try hard enough? is it becuase i'm just not supposed to be happy?!?! i can't help but feel angry that all those universities saw my average as like a seventy eight when i worked my ass off to get that 81 average. maybe highschool is super easy for everyone else but i just switched into these courses in december. and i had to learn three months of material in a matter of two weeks for an exam and write 4 case studies on top of continuing work. and all for WHAT? for them to mess it all up. i hate guidance. and i hate teachers.

and what else... well, one of my best friends this year, see, well like, everyone suddenly is really obsessed with this year... i mean, *everyone* wants to hang out with this person. nto that they * didn't * want to before... but it's mORE now.. just people REALLLLLLLY like them. and it's great! i mean, considering they are one of my best friends i would obviously understand why people really like them right? and i never really thought much of it. except that now i just feel so shoved aside sometimes. not so much that they never have time for me. but that it hurts sometimes when certain people dont' even notice i'm there and my friend seems not to care. like the other week during c spare we went to watch the ofsaa volleyball game and you need your student card to get in right? so this guy that was with us was like "oh she's with me" about my friend so the girl just LET HER IN which was like okay so i thought considering i was "with them" as well i could just go in but no. she like made me scrounge out my grade NINE student card in order to get in and by the time i got in i had to look around for them becuase they didn'te ven freakin bother to wait for me. and then after we left the game we went down to the cafe and there were these two guys at this table and we decided to sit there and eveyrone sits down and there's NO space left for me. my friend goes "sit down" i'm like WHERE THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT!??!! except i dind't say this. becuas ei want to be nice and supportive and whatever the hell else i'm supposed to do. one guy who is a friend moved some stuff over for me so there was a bit of space on the table and i ended up sitting in a crack between two benches. and then the two guys started dealing out cards and dealing in EVERYONE except me. and by then honestly i was pretty pissed off so i got up to say hi to someone in the cafe and then grabbed my bag and started leaving. my friend's jsut like "where are you going?" i'm going somewhere where i dont' have to feel so shoved aside. like i dont' matter at all. i shrugged and left running into witmer and crying and telling him about all this and about how hurt i feel. not because i'm jealous, not because i need the attention from her blablabla but maybe if i coiuld be treated like a human being again that would be nice. so sad how i can tell a history teacher that but not my best friend.

someone offerred to go to prom with me "in case" i don't find a date. i thoguth i was supposed to do the asking for that. it was a nice gesture but it made me feel pretty gd ugly. i didn't even know what to say. i said thankyou. but honestly i dont' know how sincere i could be just because i jsut ... felt like it was just the wrong time the wrong place and just ... i dont; know... maybe i wont' even go to prom.

there's more but this blog is already like a gazzillion pages long.
and i'm sure no one wants to read me whining anymore.
i just.
i never expected this year to be like this. i never expected that i would feel like such a loser in every single aspect of my life. i'm not used to feeling like a loser at all, but you'd think i'd be able to take it. maybe it's just the being an "all around loser" all of a sudden that really bites.

it was all riding on that one
word
or two.

but it's easier to just forget it i guess.

so i was talking to colin about this and it sparked my memory of somehting i wanted to write about.

When i was at TC, COUNTLESS numbers of people thought i was in university. The conversations went mostly like this (during senior tc) :

person from toronto area: where are you from?

me: oh i'm from Waterloo..

person from toronto area: oh...

[a few seconds later]

person from toronto area: .. so why are you here if you're in university?

it's sort of funny... not really a big deal but after a while it got kind of O_o.. i mean really. how often is it when you introduce yourself you give your name and the school you go to? like "Hi my name is Joe and I'm from Western", "Hi my name is Jasmine and i'm from Waterloo Collegiate Institute"
like what is THAT? ........
yeeeeeeeeeahhh..

waterloo is a city too :P

so it's been a day back at school...
getting tired again. haha i think it's somewhat psychological... school just tires me out.

(doesn't help that bhanu is sitting here asking me a bazzillion questions... and tellling me to type more slowly and DELETING WHAT I WRITE. =_= and wasting all my camera batteries! :P )

o-c was soooooooo oooooooooooo oooooooooo good last night!!! *ahhhhhh*! i <3 you seth cohen!

nothing really interesting to write. besides.. i'm tired. i wish i had my g2 and a car.

post grad dinner reflection

there is always one of these

first off, i'd like to apologize that i neglected to mention ANDREW!!!!!!!! sorry man... andrew is one of the coolest people i know. but i always forget he's graduating because he's gonna be here in the fall. :P

i think a lot of thoughts were going through my head this year... just.. thoughts of how it's my last year and how i might not be back next year. how crazy it is. the fifth grad dinner i've been at. how over the years God's blessed me so immensely through the people in the ccf fellowship. i mean, i don't have an older brother or sister and through the years so many of these people have been exactly that to me. some of them have been amazing friends. mentors even. some all these things.
i dunno. we ran up to share because we had to leave .. school and all tomorrow.. but... it's just like... i was kind of scattered becuase i was like all "omg let's go we have to leave balbalabla" ... and i couldn't really figure out how to put it all into words. just the BLESSING that i feel. it's like ... it sucks that people continually leave around here. but EACH year each TERM even... God has not ceased in blessing me with these great people who have provided me with immense support, whose characters and experiences somehow coincide with what i need at that exact time.
at TC the theme was "Wait Up"... talking about unity in fellowship and about how God uses other brothers and sisters in Christ to speak to us. God has used these people to intercede in my life in more ways that i can possible say. from what the littlest boy problem to my entire LIFE. my EXISTENCE. and it's baffling!
and... i can't explain how thankful i am.
there really aren't enough words.

just... wow.

ottawa was really fun...but that will be included in my marchbreak update :P

a few things right now.

1. if you want to know something abotu me, ask me. ask ME.

2. it really really hurts to suddenly be "out of the loop"... discluded.

3. and billy joel said to me, "it's was all just a lie". and frank sinatra sang "nobody...". and the top of that girl's head started peeking out a bit.

...TC is over. wake up girl. back to this reality. how do i apply everything from there back here? back here where everything is so much harsher.

all the time, God is good.

wow. TC was powerful. it was inspiring. and rewarding.

going to ottawa in like three hours ... gonna go see the scrolls and stuff and possibly carleton and possibly meet LIL!!!! :D anyways. should sleeep.

HUGE march break update coming soon to a blog near you.

1 highlights
2 academic failure
3 social change
4 in views
5 of life
6 breakdown
7 turning heart
8 in an effort to understand
9 destiny
10 and God
11 love lost
12 and found invaluable
13 trying
14 decisions
15 endings near
16 and missing
17 still learning.

and a half.

frantically working to frantically shopping to frantically planning to frantically packing.
and soon to be leaving for four days of teeeeeceeeeeee :)

really glad to be leaving early to go pray... a good chance to wind down , regain my focus... i really dont' want to be a highstrung mess during the conference and get nothing out of it..

so tired slept a whole two hours last nite and had to teach ss today but luckily tania (my hero) basically taught the whole thing for me while i painted watercolour trees ;)

eeeee TC here i come :) please pray for our team (THOMAS!!!), esp for the eight non christians on it :) thanks!

happy 18thhhhhh to sabs and happy belated 18th to justin! yay for signing yourselves out and seeing passion without having to hunt around for someone to go with. :P

march break... is finally here.

went shopping with jo today.. got a pair of jeans and some stuff for tc....jo got some hooker boots for only $20- at transit. i <3 transit. there's a sale every single day.
then tiff came up and the three of us worked on tc stuff some more haha
yeah, that's gonna be my whole march break :P ;) but it'll be fun :)

hoping to go see passion tomorrow. unfortunately, i'm not 18 and so like my six months less requires me to search around for someone 18+ to take me. everyone's busy tomorrow. *pout*

i'm exhausted. and i think i ahve to get up early tomorrow to go move stuff out of the church. and then another full day of tc prep + i still have to do my sunday school prep. gonna go to bed bed bed.

a close call

funny how jo's blog and mine coincidentaly coincide in topic today. sort of.
taking people for granted. waiting until it's too late.

my dad was in a car accident today. Carpooling with a colleague, she was driving. They were coming back into waterloo from stratford. I picture it along a country road. There are quite a few of those between waterloo and stratford. The driver saw a space and decided to pass the car ahead of them. Then bam out of nowhere a huge truck pulls into the same spot and takes out the front of the car on the passenger side. my dad was sitting on the passenger side.

it missed him by a few inches from his face. the car was totalled, and he didnt' get home until six. But by the grace of God, both he and the driver weren't really injured. It's crazy though, to think of it... how close. how if the car had just gone a little faster, or the truck a tad slower... i probably wouldn't have ever seen my dad again.

How does God take care of us? Let me count the ways. Praise God. and let me be reminded not to take the people i love for granted.

all i can say is, i can't *wait* until march break next week.
school's been hectic... and at the same time becoming so mundane. day in day out.. every day is pretty much the same. get up ridiculously (and un-neccessarily) early--- i have a spare first thing every morning and yet i still go to school first period for lack of a ride later on :|, go to school, listen to the same old voices walk up the same old stairs. the only thing remotely out of the ordinary is when my business teacher screwed up my mark and it went into the universities as a 72. (luckily, it's changed now) but that is not by *far* an interesting or exciting occurrence. just added a bit of stress and misery to my dull days.
i am *very* ready for a break.

next week (well, starting friday at 1:30) will be so great ... go to toronto, see people i haven't seen for a while, TC!!!!!!!! captaining for the jr. conference and attending the senior one, soniccflood concert, shopshopshop, chill, eat, and above all--- absolutely not a SMIDGEN of school stuff. none. YAYYYYY!!!! :D just 3.5 more days to get through.

on an aside:
- i love the snow-- i get to wear my jacket. but after winter we should skip directly to summer. ew spring.
-i don't like when songs start with cheering. like shut up.

hahaha so funny and HORRIBLE! go do it.

FAIRY TALE

nce upon a time there was a young WAITRESS named SETH COHEN. He was VICIOUSLY GRAZING in the CRAZY forest when he met SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP, a run-away SOCIAL WORKER from the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER.

SETH COHEN could see that SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP was hungry so he reached into his TUPPERWARE and give him his BLUE SUSHI. SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP was thankful for SETH COHEN's SUSHI, so he told SETH COHEN a very CRISPY story about Queen SUMMER's daughter JASMINE. How her mother, the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER, kept her locked away in a TEMPLE protected by a gigantic UNICORN, because JASMINE was so UGLY.

SETH COHEN RAN. He vowed to SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP the SOCIAL WORKER that he would save the UGLY JASMINE. He would SING the UNICORN, and take JASMINE far away from her eveil mother, the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER, and SLIDE her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a POUFY RAIN and SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP the SOCIAL WORKER began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic UNICORN from his story. GLISTENING Queen SUMMER PICKED out from behind a BANANA and struck SETH COHEN dead. In the far off TEMPLE you could hear a MOOOOOOO.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

and OH how could i not be moved? You're here with me.
so
have Your way in me.
God first. above everything. above worries. above friends. above family.
impossible? seems that way.

aaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeee i got ma red and white coat! :D hehehe
thanks mom!!!!!! it's liek the EXACT one that i wanted too... it's not the roxy one that alot of ppl have it's a "girl" skateboarding one *smile*
Happy birthday Alex!!!!!! 19! oooooooo~*~*~*

kicking myself for having spent every last cent on a payphone
in that i can't and won't deal with this
becuase it isn't my fault becuase i didn't do anything to deserve this
the whole world's out to get me i swear
it's either nothing at all happens or something so
terrible like this.
and i just won't take it anymore. i won't.
maybe it's fate.
fate that i won't succeed and
that the cardboardbox theory will hold true.
in any case, it will be better than chance always kicking me when i'm down
better than being hounded
becuase of course I'm the one in a hundred some odd students who suffers from her ONE moment of disorganization and uncaring. How can i do anything get anywhere if everything is just against me?

it's period b and then goodbye. provided i can scrounge up the bus fare.

how love was

when i thought i knew what love was. when i thought i was in love. when it was fate that he would love me in return. when i knew these things.

the ninth grade.
a year of thinking i was in love with this guy, that even though he perhaps thought of me as more of a younger sister than a 'woman' lol that eventually he would discover his true feelings and on that day he would whisk me off my feet and carry me off into the horizon. the other day jo accused me of wanting to read other people's diaries but not sharing mine-- well here it is. kudos to anyone who can figure out/ remember who this guy is. (i blank it out only to save this guy face, but ask me if you want to know)

[Feb. 13, 2001.]
I cannot fathom a worse fate than this except death. ***** found out about me loving him. it didnt' seem like there was any chance but i guess i was wrong. This world is ruthless. obviously no one is trustworthy (except God). No one. I'm drowning in a sea of endless sorrow, there is no end. There is NO possible way he could speak to me normally again. our pathetic little friendship is OVER. poof! All gone. i just feel so sad. i wanna call him but at the same time i never want to speak to him again.

[Feb. 19, 2001.]
***** doesn't know! ^_^ i talked to him on the phone for 1.5 hrs last night =) *sigh* he made me feel SO much better.

pathetic i know, but at least now can provide me with some source of amusement :P

i may be literally talking
out of my
as my stiff fingers try to release
this grudge
into the jumbled plastic
a comment made
a comment read
finds me in red glasses
and pondering
the naivete of it all
'selfish bastard' indeed
perhaps
one should not judge
until one knows
i can see where it comes from and
agree
that selfishness plays a role
however
subconcious and unintentional
that role might be.
because sometimes
(you would know this if you had been there)
a life lost in the mind of the loser
is for the benifit of others
and is not
neccessarily
a spiteful play to cause
pain.

march.

i was looking forward to march. it's usually better than february.
all i can think about though is how great last march was. how much i miss those months. when everything was pretty near perfect. this march, i jsut feel like the february blues are goign to carry right through it.

i started a prayer journal last night. haven't done that for a really long while... not since like grade six... i'd have to say i really enjoy it. and i think i'm going to keep it going. there's something about writing your prayer down that makes it realer. maybe it's just that i dont' fall asleep in the middle of it or whatever haha but no really. i think it's the action of writing down your deepest darkest thoughts and secrets to God. it seems so much more vulnerable than just merely thinking it. more true.

the first official rugby practice is tomorrow. i'm going to DIE. i am so out of shape. but i know i can run the block at least.
it won't save me. i'm still going to die. *sigh* i remember the first practice last year.
it was totally snowstorming outside... and after, sitting at st. cin's my voice was pretty well gone.
why do i do this to myself? haha better get some rest :P

p.s. happy birthday wayne and auntie sandy :)
p.p.s. yay for return of the king winning all 11 oscars!

had our last tc training out in toronto today ... was okay... found out who was on our team and stuff... heh i think the best thing was just seeing all these ppl like ivan alan alfred and sophia who were all counselling and the best best thing was seeing shabba and jeremy :)
but yeah, we got a bit of time to prepare stuff oh yeah our team name is Thomas now :) did you know!!!--- that Thomas felt SO guilty about doubting Jesus that he decided to choose the hardest missionary job and go to CHINA?? i jsut learned that today from PT and i think that's so cool... we totally didn't know that. eee anyways i'm pretty pumped for tc now... although a little nervous becuase a third of our team is nonchristian and just.. i dunno... i'm scared i'm going to say or do something wrong. *sigh* just gotta pray on it. hard.

watched "Elephant" with praylude tonight.. was weird cuz we just picked some random movie and it ended up being along the same theme as Bowling for Columbine which was the movie we were originally going to watch but were too lazy to go get. anyways Elephant really creeped me out.

things i want for my 18th birthday : 1 cartilage earring, 1 cat, 1 amazingly beautiful minolta camera.
that is all. haha so waht if it's still 6 months away? :P i'm sleepy.

clenching
and pangs
firm soreness.
is it fatigue
or
anticipation
just come and go
already.
like the future
past passed
like ones i thought i loved
come and go
like
happiness.

chips, chocolate, and grudges held

i didn't know hardly anything about lent until just this year... but talking to shabba about it and reading different stuff got me really thinking about it and whether maybe i should observe it this year. I knew that you generally give something up during lent. last night, i decided that should be chips and chocolate. which includes smart food popcorn. which i tholught was an adequate thing to give up considering i have chips and chocolate everyday. But then i was reading this article shabba sent me a few days ago btu i never visited until today.

"Lent is a time of self-denial, a time to give up something. But Jesus isn’t concerned with chocolate and CD’s – he’s concerned with what’s going on in our hearts. Lent is a time to give up those sins in our lives. It’s a time to give up the sin of hypocrisy – acting like a Christian on the outside, but being proud and self-centered on the inside. Lent is a time to give up the sin of duplicity – being a Christian on Sundays, but being an unbeliever on Fridays. It’s a time to give up the sin of being lethargic – “someday I’ll get my act together spiritually. Right now, though, I’m just too busy focusing on everything except God.” What is Lent? Lent is that man who stood in the back of the temple, and looked down at the ground, and prayed to God, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

kind of an eyeopener really. i never thoguht of it like that. i thought of lent as more of a time of self denial for the purpose of sharing in Jesus' sufferings to a miniscule degree, or practicing self-control. but perhaps it's both.

so i have decided to give up just one more thing, the grudges i hold. if you know me, you know i hang on fast to grudges and for a long time. i believe this to be something that is a barrier between God and myself... a stumbling block in my growth... and something that needs to be taken out. i just never really "got around to it" rather, i never made an effort becuase reality was, i wanted to hold those grudges. i have a multitude of sins to choose from... a crazy unending list of them... but i think this one is the most prominent and pressing beacuse how can i be close to Love when i hold so much hate and contempt in my heart?

so there you have it. forty days (and hopefully longer) of no chips, chocolate, or grudges. errr...'happy' ash wednesday?

another day

my brain is like mush. went out for unofficial rugby practice today which went alright. much better than last time. i can actually make it around most of the block nonstop now but i'll need to pick up a bit alot by monday when real practice actually starts. i'm dreading it so much actually. but there's no way i worked my ass off so much last year to just not go back.

i feel like i haven't blogged for a while... but it's only been like two days haha.. sunday was okay like a FULL day of church 8:45 - 3:00pm.. pretty crazy but worth it. i guess the only really frustrating thing is the children's ministry at kwcac. ugh. i can't really think about that right now. it jsut upsets me. well.. the canto ones mostly. it's frustrating because i really thought more of them than they displayed. i guess maybe i was just so blind to it until now. how do we bring passion and love for God into these people's lives? i somewhat blame myself. because i vowed i'd never make worship a chore for them. but have i somewhat turned it into more of a joke? ... i dunno. i just hope that not everyone decides to just walk out on this ministry. that's the LAST thing it needs and i think that's the last thing God is trying to say to us.

heidi's back for reading week this week! anddd blogskins and i touched up her blog a bit so go check it out : http://smiley-koala.blogspot.com

back to writing more applications for universities that aren't going to accept me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY P.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

finally got pics up!!!!!! from :
-formal
-vday
-feb. 15
- and today :)
-- click click on my imagestation link on the side (oh if you don't have imagestation login as KREAZELESS and the password is goldflower)

was fun today... went down to toronto for the tc training ... did the prestudy for the biblestudy which was really really good! the alvin guy who was leading it and wrote it suddenly decided to change the original one that they gave us-- but the new one was SO MUCH BETTER! and i'm really excited becuase it was really attention catching and really interesting :)

after the training got to chill for two hours with janey which was really cool because i liek never see her :) we went and took "card" pictures and had bbt :) hehehe fobbbyyy! afterwards, met back up with jo, tiff, and adrian at pacific mall... bought some CHINESE BUNS! and the washrooms are ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. O_O

so yeah, i had a really good day to end off a somewhat crappy week :)
i guess i'm just really having problems trusting lately. with all this university stuff. i just have it all in my mind of how i want it to be... and i just can't really let go of it and let God guide it all to where He knows i should be. i realize that. but i can't say i'm not struggling with it still. i dunno. more prayer.

anyayz to bed. it's actually 1:13 not 11:59 :P... nitenite

linked up nipple-head RAPHAEL--- http://-raphael-.blogspot.com

annnnnnnnd yeah. red and white red and white!

i realize it's more than halfway through feb :P

my eyes moisten. and i blink. as if holding it in will make it less real.
but i'm fooling myself because the reality is, all i hope for for next year is so lost.
already someone who doesn't want it has taken one spot. and i know of another who i'm pretty sure has one too. it's only february.
and there are less than 463 spots left.
there is no room for me.
there never is.

screw this. screw everything.
why do i even give a crap?

annoyed

so today wallace alex and i were talking on the bus ride home ...
and suddenly these two grade eleven guys were like "how old are you?" to alex and alex didn't want to answer them. so they "assumed" he was seventeen.

so the one guy says to the other "oh my gawd he looks like he's like 83 years old. he needs to lose weight. oh my gosh blabalbalabalbala" like HELLO i'm standing RIGHT there and alex wasn't too far away. and wallace (who used to be their friend) is also sitting right there. i dunno. i just got really mad.

maybe it was because i was really tired and irritable... becuase i'm not normally super confrontational when it comes to people i don't know. but i jsut felt my blood boil and i spun around and was like "is there a REASON you're being such a f--- asshole?? you don't even know him so maybe you should just leave him the hell alone."
and the guy was just like "uhh... whoa... "
i don't care if they say crap about me behind my back or whatever. like honestly. i can't STAND people like that. like WHO do you think you are??? they really are not the best looking people themselves. but no one stands there and talks about THEM like they're like a piece of gum under a table. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHGH.
i dont' know.
was i wrong? was i wrong to go off on them to swear at them?
maybe. but i wouldn't take it back if i could. becuase honestly people like that -- people like them ... or lynch or eric martin.... SOMEONE for GODSAKES needs to tell them how incredibly retarded they are. or else they're honestly gonna just keep thinking it's okay to say stuff like that.

[weekend pics and update coming but i gotta upload my pics first :P]

will you sell that

little excitement
or what about

that spontaneity
hurry up and make the deal

i'm impatient for life to

seduce me suprise me

pasty pale
wash

away.

with winter formal only a day away... and valentine's day two, and with people blogging about and conversing about love and relationships. i can't help but think about this past year in terms of these.

sometimes i trick myself into thinking that love hurting is better than love not existing at all. and that "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
after a while though, if you lose enough, feelings of inadequacy, of ugliness take a foothold.
so perhaps it would have been better to never have loved at all.

you can always tell when valentine's day is in the air.

the sky long since darkened,
skin illuminated
yellow.
and gentle tension released
as a hum
or wait
listen carefully
two.
as soft,
intricuit circuits collide
and beside, a box blinks bright
colour
burning pupils weary.

the scraping of a faded slide
was this 'poem' that i just wrote JUST WROTE and then when i published blogger ate it up! GRRRRRR. so now its lost becuase i cna't remember it. writing stuff liek that is too "trancey" to remember. >:(

so here's my weekend in point form.:
- went up to pt's parent's condo friday nite and had a lil slumber party" with jo, tiff and pt(well he wasn't int he same room :P) but yeah..
- tc training at 9:00 am bleeee.. coffee time coffee is yucky. and they sell chinese food in that coffee time O_o weeeeeeird.
- training was pretty good... informative but LONG. impossible to stay awake all eight hours. so i slept a bit during one of the talks opps :P
- saw michellie, winnie, matt, becky, and met some cool people such as JASMINE (there were three of us there :P) and ryan, keith, ada, and cindy
- had dinner at congee wong with pt, jo, tiff, g, nita, and ivan
-bought CHINESE BUNS at bigfarmland? biglandfarm? one or the other..
- cheesecake for nita's birthday at ivan's house (SO nice!) and me tiff and jo simutaneously decided ivan has THE coolest mom haha
- led worship on sunday and we did "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord" jazz bar style hehehehhe :) i was the lounge singer and jo was the black preacher ... errr not really...
- practiced iscf multicultural show song at trin -- i love that song. looooove.

oh! so me tiff and jo's TC team name has to start with the letter "T" and has to be either a person or a place from the bible... any suggestions???
make suggestions!

and uhhh NEW O-C TONIGHT!!!!!

insano last minute change of plans eeeK! heading out to tdot TONIGHT instead of tomorrow morning! gotta finish this stupid utsc app... and pack clothes
and stuff
so i leave you with the "girl's heartthrob" marco ^_^

what a day

went up to tdot today for our latin class trip thingy :) hahaha actually it was a lot of fun -- blog worthy! :)
my teacher brought her father and her son along... her dad usually comes every year and is the coolest funniest guy haha but i'd have to say, i MELT for marco (aka her son) who i got a chance to chill with today and he's just as cool and funny as he is adorable :P
the imax movies were actually really good.. the egypt one better than the volcano one... lol ws so funny.. during the volcano one my eyes started to close and i feel this tap on my arm and look at it's marco and he's like "are you sleeping??" and i'm just like "errrr... noooo..... ¬_¬"

got a chance to have lunch with alan at this really pretty egg restaurant hehe it's really cool inside they have these paintings of eggs... sort of funny but really classy. you couldn't tell by the outside. toronto's so weird like that. things are so ghetto on the outside and then thy're SO nice on the inside OR there's BEAUTIFUL buildings for like really unimportant things. anyhow, it was nice to catch up with and see him althouigh it was pretty rushed cuz i had to get back to the museum for our tour... lol sorry that i made u like run haha :P

the galleries were pretty cool.. nothing too notable... the tour guide really enjoyed talking about boobs and stuff though and was a little OVERLY excited when she was telling ms. hensel about "the newly opened ancient EROTIC ART galleries in rome!" ERR OKAYY... haha.. she was a pretty good guide though haha

played i spy and tictactoe on the way back :) and am really pooped but have been filling out apps ALL nite.

i got emails i got emails! :) mehehe ^_^ *happy sleep for me tonite* !
baiii!

Weird morning.

There’s actually capital letters in this entry because I’m at school and want to spend as little time on blogger as possible.
Okay so this morning there’s a burning smell throughout my house… like food burning… and my mom makes me run all around trying to find out what the smell is etc… and ends up… it’s my SISTER microwaving a ROLO and it burned and now my whole house smells like crap.

BHANU!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP DELETING WHAT I WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem. And in the MEAN TIME stop GOING TO FORMAL WITH KAT AND NOT ME!!!! Bum holeeeeeeeeeeee :P geeez. Not like I’m not dateless ENUFF no need for you to rub it in my face :P BUT you should still go. MY SEAL IS NOT A PREGNANT WHALE! …… clarAAAAAAAA bhanu says sirotan is a pregnant whale hahaha

[paragraph deleted]

Bhanu: I can hear your ass typing all the way from over there.

Ok. I’m done now. I hope the rest of this day is as amusing.

my incompetence

i can't write this. i'm trying to finish my Application Information Form for uw... and i just can't. everything i write isn't confident enough. it's frustrating. i *could* write a whole thing on how i know exactly where i want to be in five years and exactly what i need to do to get there. i could write about how i will never change my mind. but the fact of the matter is, it's a lie. sure, i want to do social work right now. but how on earth do i know if i'll be able to handle it emotionally in five years? i know right now, that i can't. how do i guarantee a certain type of growth? part of the reason i even want to go to waterloo is the security of it. the business background the program offers so that, if things don't end up working out, i have an alternative. i just find it difficult to write all confidently and visionary, when i'm really quite the opposite.

and on another completely different topic, i'm winning the bet. i thought i really wanted to win. i thought i really didn't want to hear anything they had to say. but i think i want more than anything to know that they still have a shred of care in them. i don't expect anyone to understand this. and even if i explained the whole situation, few would understand the hurt of it. Because you don't' know how highly i esteemed this person. how much influence they had on me in my middleschool and early highschool years. thinking about the pedestal i placed this person on makes me sick. i can't explain. this just cut a lot deeper than i thought it would. i almost wish i hadn't written it so that i wouldn't have to get nervous every time i check my email. so that i wouldn't have to feel my heart drop to my stomach every time there's no reply. not that i am surprised. but now, instead of a "sidelines" type of disappointment, it's much more upfront. i'm so so stupid. so. stupid.

-viv's bday party yesterday hehe dress trying on and radio was really good
-FORMAL IN LESS ThAN TWO WEEKS!! (need: new earrings, makeup arrangements, transportation. eep.and someone who can help me curl my hair.)

a day rolls by like a sad song, and i wonder why i couldn't say things. suddenly.
mute almost, to even you who i would leave my soul with. while i slept.
maybe because a part of me did die today.
and even as I laughed at the words
'inner child', they resounded.
ever more...becoming.
because i never believed my heart could be shattered in this angle. one i never thought existed. but was so mistaken about.
perhaps somehow, the shards that slashed my
childlike faith
intentionally,
accidentally caught my throat as well.
or perhaps they are connected.
because if my trust in you was a lie,
then who knows what else could be.

oh btw, --------->
i added this number guessy game thingy on the side
hahahaha
lancer@kp.planet.gen.nz made it...
i like lancer :) hehe

the last few days have been really good just relaxing :)
had a few days of quality kreazeless time. that was really nice. a lot of shopping which is always nice too...
not that i really bought much except-- VALENTINES :) i love valentines.
although i'm not such a fan of valentine's DAY. =P

ugh. the more time i spend with kreazeless the more i wish this year wouldn't end.
i don't want to go to university anymore.

finally finally finished exams :) really glad of that. wentokay i guess :P
four days to shop, sleep, bum, photoshop, and watch my soaps.
had fun eating and webcamming with jo and dora tonite hehe
prom dress looking up wheee gonna go shopping for a "corset" top for jo tomorrow :)
i want a new dress :P

question: in your opinion, is it rudER to :

a) refuse to extend plans with someone when those extended plans overlap/conflict with plans previously made with someone else?

or

b)agree to extend plans with someone and cancel those plans previously made with someone else?

just one left and it's tomorrow.
and it's calc.
and it's scary.

please please pray for me.

two down
latin's done. thankyou God for kicking my memory into gear.
last one tomorrow-- calculus. oh boy. OHHHHHHH boy.
after my latin exam jo and i grabbed some sushi and then headed over to dc only to find it totally packed full. (not to mention disgusting. the smell of oranges and ketchup).
so i ended up studying at eumie's (thankyou) for 3-4 hours... i'm pretty sure i understand everything ... just gotta do do do more questions. at least i don't have to work tonight unlike jo. and i figured out that absolute function graphs=piecewise function graphs. whew.
i am physically and emotionally exhausted.

ironic

thirteen days short of three months
later
burdened by the weight of books
lack of sleep
and bleeding
and things being pushed away because i need to study
i reached for the white inside the medicine cabinet.
"for the pain" i said outloud.
but my hand trembled ever so
slightly, because i wasn't sure
if i was lying.
and unscrewing my fate, i came to find
two smiling salmon-red, which was
just enough.

buiyee di nita and ivan did their auz presentation today and i fell in love with Nichole Nordeman's Legacy that was in their powerpoint... did i mention i dont' like nichole nordeman? :P but this is a really good song. really.

second last day of studying

met a guy named jason here at the library who i ended up sharing a group study room with which is great because it didn't seem like i was hogging a whole room and plus i could make noise and spread my stuff out more hehe :)yayyyy

going out to cambridge to have BT with tiff's fam and grandparents... eeee.... my mom wants me to say chinese new years blessings to them. erk. what if i say them wrong???? i can type out the phonetics better i think, although my grandma said i pronouced the stuff right haha aww i love my grandma.
i think for Suk Gung and Suk Poh i will select the following blessings:

-Gung hay fat choy (i refuse to spell it as "fat CHOI" because that can be taken as a crack about my weight :P)
-Sun tai geen hong

is two enough? i have little concept of these traditions as all my relatives live in hk and the only thing we do is call my grandma anyways... well, hopefully that will suffice :) i'm excited about pho! :9

another day of studying

when you come to the library everyday you start noticing things. like for example the bathrooms. i use the main davis centre bathrooms not the library ones because the ones inside the actual library are goosebumpenticingly disgusting. however, the toilet paper is the same. if you can even call it that. this is just about the THINNEST toilet paper i have ever encountered in my entire life. you can actually see your hand pretty clearly through this stuff! i basically have to wrap it around my hand six or seven times before it reaches somewhat of a normal thickness level. maybe i'm pampered with my quilted royale i have at home but i know one thing. next year, i'm packing my own toilet paper when i go off to university. you'd think such expensive tuition would pay for better toilet paper.

took a small study break and grabbed some coffee at williams with nita since her and ivan are up this weekend for the australia missions presentation. it was really great to catch up and nice to be reminded that people can leave for a long time and things are still the same afterward.

another observation. a few years ago i felt that the oriental population of the library was really high. but recently i've found there are a lot more brown people here than orientals. not that it matters. just something i noticed.

OH MY GOD. someone just let out the loudest wettest fart EVER lol everyone is laughing hahahaha this is so gross!

okay time to notice calculus again. :P oh exams, how i loathe thee.

study break

The english exam went alright this morning. I decided against writing him a note at the end thanking him for all his enriching teachings and etc because i thought that might be too obviously suck-upish and fake. But i do think i will tell him later that his thesis writing lesson was helpful to me during the exam. Though, of course, i knew how to write a thesis before he spent an hour talking about it while i read a newspaper clipping on the wall beside me.

Not that those skills were very present today as i stared at my exam paper.
"Discuss what the authors portrayed in (2) of the articles given and (1) other work discussed in class regarding choices and the way they affect change." Blink. OkAY, i thought we were doing Hamlet, not MacBeth... that never even crossed my mind as a potential topic and all the Hamlet quotes I had written on my supplementary article sheets did not correspond to this. What a waste of time trying to find stupid connections between the stories/articles.

In the end, i used Closing the Door, Guest something, and Fall on Your Knees to pull some nonsensical thesis out of my ass. I truly believe education today is biased toward those who are politically enriched. I for one, have practically nothing to say about the state of our country, the positives and negatives of our government? none. except how we're lucky to be able to make choices freely. that's it. and most of the articles given being political, i struggled. Therefore, i don't think the exam was really a test of our English skills, but rather, a test of the political knowledge we already had and the ability to form an opinion about something I have no clue about. GR. i need to start watching the news or taking politics or something. Well whatever. I managed to come up with something although it was neither right nor left wing.

okay back to calculus. stay tuned for more rants about the injustices of the public education system. O_o just kidding.

Happy Chinese New Year
haha year of the monkey, which is my mom my dad AND my sister btu not me :)

well it's certainly the truth that it hasn't been "my year" thus far.

the first snowday of the year...
lands on the first day of exams.

it's crazy. i have a picnic table in my backyard and it's like almost completely buried! and it's STILL snowing!

i normally like snow but this just screws me over. because i was going to spend all weekend on calc. but now that i have latin on monday, i'm going to have to do some latin because if not, i'll forget it all!
GRRR
this is horrible horrible horrible.
i think the weather shoudl make up fro it by having another snow day on WED. so that i have an extra day off. :P

less than a week until exams are over.
my exam schedule is as follows:

Thursday 8:30-10:30: English
Friday 11:00 - 12:30: Latin
Monday 11:00- 1:00 : Calculus

after this i have tues and wed off!! whee :)

prayer please please and thankyou :)

on friendship

"i am a circular saw."
-from Fred Cogswell's "Circular Saw"

In regard to my previous post, ecjunior made a comment that I think is very valid. I was going to just reply in the comments but I think that maybe a lot of people might have the same thoughts and so I thought I’d just clarify in a new post.

“i don't think people delibrately try and "NOT" care or talk to you... jasy, you have to understand that people still care about you even tho they don't talk to you or call you everyday...
sometimes ppl jus get tied down with work, midterms, finals and other stuff... i'm not saying that you're not important but sometimes it's just hard to balance everything.. you want them to succeed?? don't you?? we all sometimes get too involved witht the things that is right up our faces... but it doesn't mean we don't care”


I did not mean to say that I feel this way about “everyone” … rather I was venting my thoughts about select situations, select people. But as always, I did blow things out of proportion so that they accommodated “everyone”, when in reality I don’t even feel this way about everyone. It’s just a few people. Sorry…

But yes, even within these few people I should think about their lives, their whatever. (Whatever is just all inclusive of whatever matters in their lives not diminishing its importance.) I never asked for a call or conversation everyday… that is by FAR not what I want at all. I would have to be the biggest baby in the entire world to expect that. I don’t even have time to talk to everyone I know every single day, that would just be crazy.
But I guess referring to the person that blog post was mainly about, (because each post is mainly only about a few people, or a few people sparked the thoughts), I would ask the question of whether in like three months they have a single minute of time for me. I shouldn’t expect time I know, but in considering something to be a friendship, you would think that you would have at least one freakin’ minute of time for a “friend”. It’s not just not calling, not emailing, not seeing, it’s not calling BACK, not even picking up the phone, not emailing BACK, and not even bothering to see me when I’m in the same city somewhat close by. The last one, I didn’t care that much before. The first one, I didn’t care that much before, but tell me, how long does it take to write a one line email saying “I’m swamped I can’t talk to you for the next freakin three months”? I honestly haven’t talked to this person in three months and it’s not because I don’t care to try.

Okay so basically I’ve been shafted. This is just embarrassing. But I just wanted to clarify myself.

And do I want them to succeed in what they’re doing? Of course! And if their success is at the expense of our friendship so be it. But I’d appreciate them letting me know. maybe send me a one line email saying "i'll be busy fo the next three months". But I do apologize for overreacting, dramatizing, and thinking something of a friendship that perhaps never even existed. I guess this is just one of the situations of a bunch, but it’s the main one.

that's IT! that's totally it. i'm sick of trying to be "mature" sick of feeling like nothing.
i feel what jo feels except that it seems like people actually CARE that she feels that way.

i feel like i only matter what it's convenient for people. (aside from a select few).
only when it's convenient for them to care, only when it benifits them in some way.
then, and when i outburst, when i get visibly upset.
i've been trying to not care, not feel hurt, not resent that i just get brushed aside.
it's not just people far away forgetting about me. although yeah, that hurts too. hurts when people have made faulty promises. but it's not just that. it's feeling like i don't matter even here. it's like i have to yell and jump up and down in order for people to see that i'm around. and i wonder why the hell do i care? why do i care to call? why do i care to email? why do i care to say hello? i mean, it;'s notlike i dont' have enough friends. not like i have nothing else to do. but i'm sick of making all this effort and having people only respond when it's "convenient" for them. if they dont' care, then neither will i.

when jo and i were talkign about this earlier today she pointed out that if we stopped making the effort, then the other party woudl think we stopped caring. to clear up for anyone else who thinks "what if they think the same thing of you?" here's my response:
"WHy on earth should we be the ones crawling on the ground grovelling for a friendship that THEY don't care about?what RIGHT do they have to say we "stopped caring" when they haven't been doing anything all along?
good gawd. maybe then they can figure out whether or not this friendship actually means anything to them at all. and stop taking us for granted if it does."

and if they dont' care that i dont' care anymore all the better. then no one has to get hurt anymore. no one has to feel like yesterday's trash.

we had a worship night in a highschool today.
my highschool.
highschool where satan says no, Christianity is not allowed within these walls.
where it's too offensive.
where satan says no, if you want to worship in my school, you have to pay $300.
where satan says no, you'll have to pay more to use the piano too.
where satan says no, you can only put up ten posters.

but where God says yes, I will provide, you don't have to pay afterall.
where God says yes, the piano is free too.
where God says yes, I'll bring about a hundred people to this place to worship me.

where the Holy Spirit moved many to tears, joined many in fellowship, and united many in prayer.

i'm amazed. praise God.

forgot to mention---
PICS :) hehehe... on the right under the heading "and all that jazz..." click on my imagestation button :)
i have pics only from like christmas holidays (christmas, boxing day, dec. 27-29) but more are coming :)

and also -- WCI is having a worship nite in the aud at 7:00 pm on friday nite :) gonna be sickkk with mark walsh on base! so good! plus it's really amazing because originally iscf was told we'd have to pay a lot of money (like $300) to the board in order to have this worship night. but then after praying about it, we were informed that we didn't have to pay a cent! God answers prayer :)

formal's coming up.
yes. i'm going.
i guess more people are goign stag now that tiff is coming up for it, viv's goign, esther oha nd linette, jo and kat are stag for NOW.... so its' should be okay :)
getting ready is more fun than the actual thing anyways
and the theme "China town" is too cool to pass up. i mean, come ON this formal was MADE for kreazeless. china town. too too cool.
i'm not spending a cent though without a date.
aside from the ticket of course, so i'm gonna have to pick a dress out of the selection that i have. not sure which one yet. eek.

the o-c is amazing. i missed it on monday but i caught it tonight and OMG.
i AM summer. re: the part where she's freaking to marissa, i AM summer.
dora is marissa and ... either kat or jo is anna and good gawd we need a fourth girl.

blogging from kat's oh so sleek new laptop!
lucky bum!
ahhhH!!! i have to stop. i'm starting to like this!
even the mouse isn't bothering me anymore

so last nite, things were resolved with "scab". i got closure and i'm happy.
anyways it wasn't super nice to call him scab. :P not scab.
haha anyways i'm glad i don't have to think aboutthat anymore :)
in a way, i'm glad things were maybe slightly dramatized. because it gave us a chance to talk it out.
otherwise, it mayjust have never been resolved and bitterness would be eternally harboured.

anyhoo, going to get some sesame chicken-- go to mikeys!

life's highs gotten by
daydreams
of living television situations
or becoming movie personalities
and the giddyness pink
that becomes me
when these dreams
turn reality.
but sometimes i forget
when sitting in the thickest part
of the plot purple
that the glass slipper had to be lost
and Cinderella returned to rags
before she could live happily ever after,
forget that things can work
but only if the plot moves forward
only if Cinderella rushes down
shows her ash streaked face
unkempt hair
frightened that maybe her foot grew
that the slipper might no longer fit
vulnerable
but still stepping into it
that the story might close
the way
it was meant to.

Think Now and Then, Joy Luck Club, Little Women, and Days of our Lives, in a blender. only all chink and only one set of creases.

Think the best of friends.

think Kre3zeLE$$.


clickclick check it out :P

meet Norman :) haha
went with eumie and andy down to petcetera and got a new fishie :)
whee! :)

i'd have to admit... my previous post was a tad immature.
sorry.
jsut upset
just hurt

i don't hate scab. i hate myself more.

it's just... difficult.

instead of blogging about "Scab" i'm going to blog about clara instead.
i called clara after talking to Scab. because he hurt me and i had to cry.
and since clara is the best- after freaking out about how much of a dick he is we were just being silly and not thinking about retarded ass ugly grubbbbbbbbbbby boys.
i even got to laugh instead of cry. and you know what Scab? its not okay for guys to wear their clothes three days in a row before washing them.

anyways... i just wanted to say thankyou to kurara. i lub you!!
and i have other things to say to Scab.

to : scab

i hope you know i hate you,
i hope you know how much it hurts
and that you hurt twice as much
but i won't tell you that.

and i hope you know
it will never be the same.
and that all i trusted
you with is dead.

and i hope you know it's not okay for you to
bring up times when we were friends
or look at me.
because that never happened.

i'm not going to formal anymore.
i'm thinking i'm going to become a nun.

took a "relook" at my horrible grad photos with my parents... and found a few that are actually okay... well... the casual one i liked from the beginning... but there are two actual grad pics that are alright... so i'm getting the three... probably more convenient than retakes and stuff anyways which might not even turn out better. i would say tell me if you want one but i haven't ordered them yet so i'll do that later.

why are grad pics such a big deal? well... pretty much everything is a big deal to me, but they're a really big deal because... like what 20 something years down the road i don't want to be looking back on my highschool years and thinking "man i was so ugly" and i don't want others to look back and think that either. :P

can someone help me fix up my aa page?
it's messed up and i dont' know why i can't get it to look nice. nothing works.

it was a crappy week but a fast one. "today" is friday already whee!

and happy beelayted birthday to jefffffffo lammy! :)

new wishlist:
a formal date. winter formal is the day before valentines day.
i HATE valentines day. does anyone else hate valentines day? because it is definitely the worst day of the entire year for pathetically single me.
seventeen. graduating year and i dont' have a date to winter formal. gawd.
i hate myself so much right now.

my grad pictures sucked. no. more than sucked. i'm never eating again.

theme of the day? self loathing.

going back to school after a break is always tiring. i'm tired. i think i'm gonna sleep early tonight.

-links i added but forgot to say i added:alan aka bro 1 and jon aka bro 2haha
-got to see eumie today :) yay :) it ws nice to chat
-dc is REALLY COLD.
-caught in the "idea" of you. *sigh*

i. love. the . o. c.
AHHHH
oh seth *swoon*
it was SOOOO good tonight! i've been feeling so OC deprived for the past few weeks! ... hehe oh my goodness :)
they made a lot of references to the Golden Girls tonight and i've seen very little of the Golden Girls but Summer was singing the Golden Girls theme song and so i ended up downloading it hehe e:) i like the words :

Thankyou for Being a Friend

Thankyou for being a friend,
travelled down the road and back again,
your heart is true,
You're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party,
Invited everyone you know,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me,
and the card attached would say,
Thankyou for being a friend.

everyone watch the o-c. hehe.

oh four is born again.

I'm starting the year over. It started poorly and I refuse to have a bad year. There's too much to do without it being emotionally difficult as well.
For me personally, 2003 wasn't too bad... in fact, the first half .. three quarters was great... i think the "badness" of the year didn't begin until shortly after my seventeenth birthday. And counting "years" in terms of age, i'd say sixteen was amazing while seventeen holds a more difficult and painful place in my mind. Not trying to say seventeen is an "unlucky" age or whatever... but that's just how circumstances ended up in my case.

Since 2004 began, I've cried everyday, gotten myself into three disagreements in three days, fallen into temptation innumerable times, and until last night, i couldn't bring myself to pray. It's frustrating, ending off last year really well and then... coming into something so... crazy. or rather, becoming someone displaying characteristics i thought i'd left behind. not that i expect things to be perfect, myself to be perfect, but it's just scary that what is supposed to be a new beginning is taking off in such a negative manner.

so i'm starting over. two thousand and four is going to be amazing.
if there was ever a time for self-fulfilling prophesy it would be now.
you're going to see a new, better me. :)

five four three two one. happy new year.

misconception

pulling legs cross eachother,
not smoothly mind you,
and hair tainted by heartache and neglect away from skin
that rejects softness,
with fingers that are chewed away with worry
felt in the almost ferocious fluttering of a diaphragm
like a voice that refuses silence
a constant static clouding reception.
dark grapes and glass put away now and
auld lang sine read and back on the shelf
dusty.
these tattered hands flip three hundred and sixty five eternities,
already weary,
already wondering,
why we greet the new year
happy.

happy new year! :)

my last post of the year

i guess i dont' really know what to say.

but i can't believe the year's over so fast. but packed with such an incredibly heavy amount.
this year has been a lot of things. some bad, some good... but mostly,
a hell of a lot of growing up and learning. and blessing.

no resolutions this year. just to keep on riding. keep on running. keep on living. to "keep on keeping on".

peace out y'all! haha see you in the OH FOUR! :)

amidst the bustling aromas and chatter of dishes, the crinkle of tightly held bags and the five hundred heels hitting the tiles in rapid disarray and the adrenaline of the power shop, and the exclamations of excitement and embraces and the faces of so many, and the voices of the ones you love and the ones you missed and the smile that won't go away and the joy locked fast in your heart there is a

pause.

and there is a mourning.

there is always one of these.
because i know that these little chinese hors d'oeuvres of joy, these camera flashes of treasured memory, these smiles of love, this laughter of companionship, these beautiful red and green keepsakes will disappear so very quickly.
because this perfection will dissipate.
because i can't bear it.
because of my hope that this
pause
is something like a photograph
that can not be smudged
a drawing that can not be
erased.

that i could keep this feeling even when it isn't real anymore
something like that.

sunday:

- churchie :)
- wall's bday gathering-- TABOO and pizza :) mm
- pump tires with clara and andrew haha... black thingy lost and found
- bum around with clara
- turkey dindin at pt's YUMMO
- anotherrrr dinner (surprise) at jo's haha

fun day :)

had a boring day but a fun night chilling with clara nita ivan and andrew :) had dinner at bt (yummo) and shopped adn watched princess bride (love that movie)
so like now i'm definitely addicted to this GUY australian idol guy hehe especially the angel song and "my beautiful friend" some of it kind of reminds me of my term. he has a really nice voice.

you guys haven't changed at all :) what the heck was i all scared about?

guess who had like the best day ever :P :)

i was lucky enough (and my parents were nice enough to drive) to go up to tdot today and chill for the day :) ... honestly i dunno how long "wanting: a trip to toronto" has been on my "currently" or how long i've been complaining about missing everyone... but i finally got to go thanks to ina and my parents :) and see g, jeh, patty, ina, and unexpectedly minima, belly, maxima, and jonathan and christine :)
annnd i got to see dim sum get carted around (we dont' have that in loo) and buy cute stationary and chinese junk food (MSG cookies!!!!) mmmmm :) i also got a (what's it called again clara?) "steamed bun" pink string thingy for my new camera which i am superrrrr proud of :P :) and g was nice enuff to drive me back up to loo on her way to windsor so car riding was nice too haven't done that in a while ...

took lotsa pics-- thankyou bro2's dad for the batteries they worked!! :) and i got to take "night scene" pics hehehe :)

and then i get back to loo and go to auntie sarah's and who shows up ten minutes later but clara and anita!!! who i haven't seen in like SO long 1.5 years and 8 months!
and like wow. i just... even when we were talkign i was just like staring like it was SO surreal! so nice though :)

what a day !:) this is liek the BEST day. i just... AHHH i'm so happy cuz like i missed everyone so much and... i can't even form sentences i'm so happy :P

oh! and happy anniversary Auntie Maureen and Uncle Keith!! :)

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." luke 2:10-11

*merry christmas*~

hehehehehehe :) crossing like FIVE things off my wishies list :)
WHEE
THANKYOU everyone!!! :)

church christmas celebration was tonight :)
i'd have to say this was one of the most joyous nights of this year :)
laughter, friends, family, food... it was all so bright. colourful memories :)
and at the end of it all walking out into the dark, crisp night to find snowflakes like sparkle-dust sprinkling out of the sky and glistening with the street lights. so beautiful so magical.

what could make this more perfect?... if i wake up tomorrow christmas morn and it's a white christmas :)

praise God. every happy moment like this... i just have to pause and thank Him for this opportunity to live.