bestday tuesdays, yellow and blue
spring has arrived in waterloo...(?)



[me and my mother goose... wheee blue skies smiling][frisbee! quyen and marilyn][aneta]
[jo][across the water lol][dev, quyen, maril, jasy]

hockey night in waterloo!
emzhei: it's over??? who won?!?!?! (it's okay emz, i'm not much better)




[me anna lorna and betty][waiki filming betty][me and emz: hoodie buddies]
[anna and alex][roommies*][wheeeeeeee!!! go team!]

oh tuesdays never fail :)

"this time is the last time"
trying to make it great.

i LOVE my don.

how things are

a lot of people have been asking me whether or not things are okay. my mom's been calling me a lot to see if things are okay.
thing is, i don't even wanna talk about stuff to most people. i just want things to get better. not saying it's not nice when ppl ask cuz it's like whoa you notice that i'm alive. and the people i actually did talk to ... or trust.... the little worlds that i could go to ... those are falling apart becuase i've just become a burden.

everything is my fault so i have no right to complain.

so i'm going to disappear for a while. i will be "around" but not around. it'll be good. then maybe i can get back to before when i wasn't a pain in the ass. i think you know when to draw back when ppl just give up on you. when you're not worth the time anymore. and i'm really not bitter. honest. i just am glad i found the limits so i dont' cross them again.

happy things

trying to bring some cheer into this place...

today:
- rehearsed the skit for the convention (tomorrow at slc great hall at 6:30pm)haha was funny ... "but it's LUST ... not LOVE!" and "MI MA MOO MA MAYYYYYY" haha
- got floor wear!!!!... i got my black track pants :) they are so cute :) keeeee
- the girlies all came back! :) so nice. got to pseudo hang out with everyone for a bit :)
- carson's testimonial :)

repeat after me.-- "happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling."

in terms of "comfortable"

i was merely stating that nothing stays the same. that things that become really important to me crumble not long after they have seemed to become "stable". it happens a LOT. anything could be a little world-- last term i thought that a bunch of girls on our floor would be my best friends for the rest of my life and this term we have to try REALLY hard to schedule eachother in for lunch. i thought my best friends from higshchool would be forever and we got split apart by distance and sometimes, sometimes we can sit there and have nothing in common anymore. that scares me. because i'll trust things and then they change. or fall apart.
i NEVER said i wanted anyone or anything to be perfect!
hell, why would i even think such a thing??? as unperfect as I am, i would never expect others to be the opposite or think things would not be hard sometimes but...
gawd. i am not wallowing in self pity or trying to create problems for myself to whine or complain about. if you think that, that all i do is whine and cry about nothing important then maybe you don't know me as well as i thought you did. and if you think that then why even bother talking to me?
i'm not complaining. all that post was abotu was that you have to stay on your toes. to be able to adapt to change instead of remaining comfortably stagnant in what you love. because things don't last forever.
and p.s. the post wasn't about any specific person, group, place, or incident.

i just needed to explain myself.

comfortable

she keeps forgetting not to get comfortable.
it happens often that whenever she does this, gets comfortable, things will up and change and get all like when you lose your page when you're reading.

and also that she can never run away. even when she's found a new little world that she can go to because it's not attached to the old one... eventually, she realizes that the problem is not so much the world that she was in, but it was her. and everywhere she goes, she carries this sort of disease with her. it just takes a little while for it to settle in.

"your love was comfortable and so broken in"

oh well.

realization

a realization that things are not right jsut because whoever says they are.
that i'm getting a little bit older as much as i would like to stay a baby.
there's a reason i prefer long yellow tables or greenyblue sheets to the sound of the callzone operator. there's a reason i dont' hang on to your every word anymore and relish with such intensity the prospect of seeing you again, drop everything for one minute in your presence.
i spin in my chair and smile because i have not done anything wrong.

my turn :P

its been a rough week... sometimes your'e just kind of hit. i know i'm not the only one who's been blah... i'm sure that i have the LEAST problems of anyone. my life is so small and so blessed. but things are not always easy anyways ... so i thought i'd jsut share what i have learned, relearned, and been reminded of. (thus far)

1. my SISTER (of all people) reminded me earlier this weekend that God has a plan. God has a plan that's bigger than me and bigger than all of this. and how could i have forgotten after all that stuff last year...:
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
james 1:2-4

2. i have this friend who was born on the same day as me but is a gazillion times wiser. "whisper words of wisdom" .. thanks to 'the mother goose' for unmatchable patience and understanding... for being a 'dreamer' with me haha (p.s. dont' forget to take your own advice. and take care of yourself).:
"make each moment countand really live each and every moment.. sometimes, it's not about what's coming next and what there is to look forward to.. it's about what's now, what's here, who's here.. and feeling good now.. not putting my happiness off until later.. but making myself live it now.. making myself find one positive thing each day and looking for the good things in the day and making sure that i decide to take care of myself, and try to keep myself happy.. because if i'm not happy, then how can i possibly make other people happy?"

3. i have this other friend who probably sees me the most out of anyone and still puts up with me (for now). "of all the crap we've been through...we're still friends. that MUST mean something." see, in life there are always downs. WAY lows. but then you bounce back up. "we have our off days" one moment you could be wearing all blue and feeling prickly and then the next moment you could be laughing so hard that you poke yourself in the eye... things happen. but you jsut have to continually learn and grow from them. and you come out stronger because of it.

4. one last thing, i talked to Chris tonite for the first time in a long while. it was good. really good. anyways background music was playing and this Amanda Marshal song came on:
"When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
Cause you and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that way right now
But trust me, baby....this is love
One more mountain
Hey...so what
Trust me baby...this is love." (Trust me : Amanda Marshal)

... trying... for now, to 'travel in the manner of happiness'.

what's better?

what's better than being flopped out on a squishy bed attempting to draw, doing algebra, and listening to Dreamer, the sun streams through the window, it's getting to be the colour of tangerines and canteloupe...

"i'm living in a dream a fantasy"

problems disappear in the melancholy, lost in the smell of nail polish
and flickering of lamp light.

let's just freeze time. take some time and freeze it.

for one moment... i am content. no, happy.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i jsut wanna go *splat*
RIGHT NOW.

ugh.

what love is

really, it's not pretty
it isn't usually.

once in a long while,
it's champaigne roses and hearts
cut out and written on
which is lovely, but

more often, love is less chocolatey

love is two straws instead of one,
and lately
it is two or three in the morning long distance
phonecalls
tears stinging your face
after a day of lime-green humiliation
when you think you can never look into someone's eyes again
but they call you the very next day because nothing has changed
and talk about the better things that you are.
love is a blue bowl of instant noodles soup
eyes opened wide and a back flung against a door
love is a grilled-chicken wrap on white
it is the smell of
sitting on a bed wrapped up in
not your own blanket
and not saying a
thing
love is the sting of a smack
or the claw of a nail
or a scream
--you wince,
reminding you to wake up
or do better
love is the offering of an ear or some other body part
even though it knows it won't be taken,
love is an ab-workout laugh, a comment on a blog post,
cold icecream on your nose,
eeeeeeeee's and AHHHHH's, watching the same movie and listening to the same song
over and over and over
it is long yellow tables and desserts
pouring out your heart like apple juice.
sometimes love is a day of the week-- a tuesday. or a wednesday,
love is weird stuffed animals that you steal
and they let you
and it's discovering that you've been on the mind
of an old friend that's been on yours.
love is a lifetime. (forget the reason or the season)

note to self: sometime, when you're sad, come back to remember all these things.

sometimes, love isn't lovely. but at least it's there.

hi...! i like tuesdays. (except that our "routine" was slightly changed today. *eye twitch* i don't like change!!! hahaha jk... i'm ok)
... just a sec--

change of character:
hiiiii i just wanted all of you to go and listen to this song.. date rape by sublime. now, don't be scared by the name.. it's actually a story.. beginning, middle, climax, falling drama, conclusion ANNNNNNNNNNNND there's a moral.. "the moral of the date rape story, it does not pay to be drunk and horny". so, i made jasmine listen to this song the other day, and at first, she was like "you're such a freak" BUT by the end of she was laughing at the song. (she recommends it too! although she will tell you otherwise). no, i'm really NOT this weird, just bored at the moment. l8r days. -- L.

the interview

[first of all i do NOT recommend the date rape song lol]
but yes, the interview. haha...what an experience!!!
at first, it was okAYYY... i gave him a FIRM handshake, using EYECONTACT hahahha... and then he asked me a bunch of questions that i felt prepared to answer ...
then, all of a sudden, he looks at me and is like "well, since this is an interactive job, it's also an interactive interview!" and proceeds to pull out this shiny green GIFT BAG and inside are a bunch of RANDOM things:
- an octagon shaped mat
- a plastic mountain
- three bouncy balls
- a furby
- a plastic kinderegg flower
- a toy solar powered car (i had to ask him what this was)
- and a pair of goggles.

so the guy is like "you get to pick who i am, child, adult, teenager, senior, anything and what i want you to do is create an interaction between us using these objects" ... seriously my heart started racing. *what am i supposed to do with all these random random objects?!??!* especially since i told him one of my strengths was "creativity" ... AGHHh... well this was definitely "creative", to say the least:

him: so who do you want me to be?
me: ... a five year old child.
him: okay, what should i do?
me: ... okAYYYY ... so! today, we're going to pretend that we're scientists! so here, put these goggles on!
him: [puts on the goggles hahahahhaa] wow! what are these things???
me: [i put the mountain on the mat]this is... MARS! [set out the furby, flower, and car] you get to pick whether you want to be the [point at furby] ALIEN, martian flower, or the solar powered car!!
him: wow! i wanna be the alien!
me: cool! i'll be the car... [look at the balls, i have NO idea what they should be *what's round? what's round????* THESE... are BOMBS!! you get to throw your bomb at my car, and i will throw my bomb at your alien and we'll see which one bounces higher!

after doing that, he ended the interaction *whew* and the rest of the interview went smoothly. so i leave, and i think to myself "BOMB??? what was i THINKKING??? that is so VIOLENT!!!!!" i started thinking of other things i could have done instead. i get outside and i realize, i forgot my PURSE int he interview room. >.< so i had to go BACk to get it. and while waiting outside (because someone else was being interviewed) i txted alison and called janna to FREAK OUT. hahha felt good to go crazy. hahah... luckily, the guy was so nice about eveyrthing and i even told him another idea i had for the toys as i was picking up the purse hahaha...

so, i probably won't get this job, but hey! what an experience! and he'll probably remmeber me! :P .. whee...

the fight

the battle is over... i think. a fight between metal and physical states.. and mental wins hands down...
except that it too was defeated... by "mommy" and a grilled chicken wrap.
*sigh*

but in a sense though, actually in every sense.... i'm thankful. [thank you] because i think i scared myself a bit. not to mention others [i'm sorry].

i'm not saying things are okay. they are far from being okay. but i'm not gonna pull something like that again... kinda selfish and stupid. but wounds can really blind you. just goes to show how deep words can cut.

to all the froshies i hold *dear* (you know who you are)

janna posted this on her blog... and i just HAD to post it too... it makes me really sad though. shed a tear.

A year has passed and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything, and yet nothing being the same.

In two months we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we
hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends. We will go back to the places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before that. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even though it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday.

As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. The memories and the stories from school won't mean anything to anyone at home and yet you resent them for that, that they can't share that happiness with you.

Who will you call first? What will you do your first weekend home with your friends? How long before you actually start missing people barging in without calling or knocking? Who will get pizza at three in the morning with you now? How long until you adjust to sleeping alone in a room again?

Then you start to realize how much things have changed, and you realize the hardest part of university is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's travelling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:30am classes, and the perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we lived in it for eighteen years.

But it is different now. We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know who we have kept in touch with over the past year and who we hold dearest in our hearts. We've left our high school world to deal with the real world. We've had our hearts broken, we've fallen in love, we've helped our best friends overcome depression, stress and death, and we've stayed up all night on the phone just to talk to a friend in need. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families needed us, and there are times we know we have made a difference.

Two months from now we will leave. Two months from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random email and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world.

Two months from now we will arrive. We will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought
us to laughter and tears over the year. We will unpack old dreams and memories that have been put away for the past year. In two months we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in some way, we will find our place between these two completely different worlds.

Are you ready?

ugly noise

*makes ugly noise here.

(haha clara)

interview

i have an interview tomorrow for ontario science center...
i need a job for coop... so pray for me?

to God

i'm sorry.... but i'm scared. and a bit desperate.

have you ever been humiliated to the point of ...i dont' even raelly know what point that is. but you feel like your guts are gonna spill out on to the ground. you've just been made to feel like absolutely nothing. actually, you do feel like something. you feel stupid and ugly and unworthy. and all this by someone who's suppOSED to love you more than ANYONE ELSE.

... and you're made to feel like this... look like this in front of someone who you DO actually care about alot, someone whose opinion you really DO care about, someone who up until TODAY you were able to laugh with, talk to, eat with, grow with, without having to think every second that your'e not worthy to be their friend because you're like .. your'e just really not good enough for anyone.
i shouldnt' even be shopping in the same stores...

there is nothing to really do... i'm not going to go scream and shout at the person who made me feel like this. because, maybe they said it out of love? maybe they they didnt' realize how much it would hurt you... i dont' know. but i have to believe that. i have to. and maybe it's my fault. maybe if i just... made myself better, skinnier, ... i dunno.
all there is to do is say "next" like laura always says... "next." on to the next thing. life goes on. i just hate it that it has to go on with feeling like THIS.
all i've done is sobbed in my bed, screamed, skipped dinner, and thrown stuff around-- but what effect does that create? ... none.

because i'm still the same ugly, unworthy person.

on the number five

can i say how thankful i am for as far as i can count
on one hand?
for the ten eyes captured in a booth every four months,
look how things have changed,
can you feel it?
it's not just a digital image
it's real live 'stuff'
that's hard to physically pinpoint except
for if you pay some attention to
tears
that have stained and the ones that still flow.
Wounds? yes.
but ask yourself this,
can a flower grow without rain?(not to mention those tears that come out of incontrollable laughter
or movements of the heart),
for flatulence and cold icecream on five tongues,
for screaming and sharing,
and for roses and too many random moments
that i would draw but my sharpie's dead.

but mostly this "real stuff" can't be reduced to five senses,
"the best and most beautiful things in life can't be
seen or even heard, they must be felt with the heart"
helen keller says it best
because love is not something you can see
and neither is sisterhood.

if you really think about it,
i'm not merely talking about a hand, or even five points on a star,
i'm talking about how five petals have grown around a Center
and how its a pretty gorgeous flower.

on the number five plus One
on six.

"and it's a long way home, i've been searching for a long time"
and still searching.. plus can't get that song out of my hEADD..

are you ever jsut so annoyed and even angry about stuff... like "please don't comment until you actually UNDERSTAND what happened" or "is it neccessary for you to be so ... EXCESSIVE???" ... but then you just stop and think "Am i like that?"
i think i'm learning a little bit. now if only i could stop faster... sometimes my mouth is faster tahn my mind. alot.

...baby steps baby steps... i like to think that bit by tiny bit i'm growing up? that i've changed a little bit for the better?



this is what i wanted to do today but i had to study instead. and now there is no more packing snow. but i only have one mitten anyways *tear* so it probably would have been somewhat of a struggle to build a snowman *sigh* ...


and I LOVE HOOPS AND YOYO HOOPS AND YOYO! ... well i have for quite some time. but i jsut discovered the DOLLIES and i want one. and also i felt like sharing witht he rest of the world their funniness!

and i just have to say that, i like tuesdays. (generally)

wow. i cant' believe it's already march.

it's snowing more and more and MORE.

hey you know what's really great? ... laughing so hard that your eyes tear up and your eyeliner runs, until your stomach hurts and you can't breathe.
and your face hurts from grinning. and you forget anything that's been bugging you because you're just having too much fun... for hardly any real reason at all.

thanks :)

study break

reading week is over... poooop. didnt' really do all that much that's soooo exciting to get into but got to chill and catch up with a bunch of ppl and just bum around. which is really fun.

spent all day at slc "studying" ... tryign to study... whatever. any idea how boring CS is??? it's like.. DEATH. which btw, the sermon at cfc yesterday kinda made me laugh cuz the speaker (crap, what's his name?) was talkign about how when you don't like to do certain things that are right, it feels liek death hahaha.. and i always say "it's like... death". soooo yeah.

anyways now my brain is fried because i'm sick of reading about things that don't really matter like cpu's and search engines and stuff. *snore* ... at least i got to see maril, dev, and quyen and hang out a bit while studying... cuz i never see those girls anymore. sucks.

you know what else sucks? ... the fact that EVERYONE is in science. writing a genetics exam is mad suffering but at least everyone's suffering together. sitting reading cs ALL BY YOURSELF bites. BITEEEEESSSSSSS.

kay meeting bee for dinner now whee! oh btw, bee and i watched Punch Drunk LOve yesterdaya dn i hated it. never watch that movie. eeeeek.

reading week so far has been really really fun :)
spent a couple days down in tdot and hung out with a few cool ppl... saw some old faces... saw my best friend who i haven't seen for two months :D ... who came down with me back to loo :)
there's been some serious girl time in the last few days.
but it's good to be back :)... went sledding and had hotpot at westcourt today mmmm foodies...

i don't even know. i had such a great few days and now it's like i'm all blah again. just.. reading something JUST retriggered my thoughts on the things i'm unsure of. my summer... and my fall. especially fall. i hate housing. it exposes things. creates tension amongst "friends" ... but really, who IS a friend and who is merely a friendly acquaintance nowadays? the line is so blurred.
it's scary how you can be so crushed and so angry but you still can't walk away.
i dunno.. i dont' think i'm angry really, more just really really reaALLLYYYY hurt and CONFUSED. confused confused. i dont' know what i'm going to be doing... i feel so helpless and unwanted.

thinking over

sometimes, like now, i'm caught in this weird spot where i feel as if i'm sitting outside myself looking on. trying to kind of see why i am the way i am... take myself apart a bit... this is what i see right now:

1. I see a girl who is s l o w.
--people make fun of me about being slow alot... 1. i'm always late...and 2. yeah i'm just not really a hurried kinda girl... i just take things "man man day" ... it drives some people bananas. even my mom was making fun of me on sunday about how my turtle mittens represented my slowness :P blah.
but i'm not talking about that kind of slow. i'm talking about being slow at learning.
slow at growing up. slow at figuring out who i bloody AM.
i just keep screwing up numerous times, repetitively screwing up... and i wonder, WHY??? WHY can't i just LEARN!??!!... i thought i'd grow up when i got to university. but i just am falling further and further behind. WHY is it taking me so LONG???

which points to the next characteristic...

2. a girl who is STUBBORN.
-- maybe i just dont' care enough... maybe i just dont' want to walk faster because THIS is the pace i believe that i should be allowed to walk at ... maybe i can only take SO FEW people's criticisms and for the rest i go out of my way to prove that i dont' ahve to listen to them. why am i so immature? i have no idea.
maybe that's what contributes to my slowness.. the fact that i can only let so few people into this little heart of mine. so little shakes me.
God pretty much has to SCREAM in my face half the time for me to learn anything and He has to stick people in my life who will jsut continually shake me and be like GET UP and DO SOMETHING about yourself!!!!
and even when He sends people... i only listen to 1 in a million.

i think the stubbornness and the slowness really overtake the listening most of the time though. and then because i do let so few in and becuase i do care about what so few people say taht if someone affects me then they REALLY affect me. and i just end up not wanting to disappoint them instead of what i should REALLY be doing which is improving myself, learning, doing things for GOD!... which really, is what everything in life should be...

... and also what i wanted to do ... but i failed, miserably... and then worsened it by trying to cover my tracks so as not to disappoint people... which in turn is again, not doing things for the glory of God (and also was probably even MORE disappointing than just screwing up)... wow this is like a cycle eh?

i dunno what the point of this was. i just needed to think about things.
i guess i just have to take bigger strides. i know God hasn't, and will never give up on me, no matter how slow i am.

but has everyone else?

p.s. new links added and rearranged into alpha order :P

i love prayluders. missing the highschool days.

tonite viv had her really late bday gathering thingy... just got to hang out with some of the prayluders, plus some of the new prayluders aka old juniors... (yeeeahhhhh) ... was so fun and jsut brought back memories about how things used to be.
these people are so completely fun and funny. they make me feel amazing about myself whenever i'm with them. seriously. they rock my world. they make me feel like a superstar.

they are all superstars. hehe

group shot... lots of people mia tho...


me and my sister

procrastination

really, anything at ALL can be a form of procrastination.
sit down to study, and you suddenly really want to do your dishes. or insert pictures into a photo album, or go to the bathroom. or stare at a dent in your wall.

or in this case, blog.

AHHh crap. i need to study.

went to lunarfest last nite at fed haha when it comes to convincing people (aka a bunch of upper year ccf boys and others) to do stuff they dont' normally do, alison and i make a great team! haha it was fun :) check out pics:
http://spaces.msn.com/members/jasy

okay. going to study again now.... right after i go to the bathroom :P

lent

i've been thinking about lent again this year.. seems like a lot of ppl are doing it... "i'm giving up this thing and that thing" ... someone who was doing it asked me what lent WAS yesterday and i was jsut like "why would you do it if you dont' even know what it means??" but yeah i guess it came back to this article shabba sent me last year -- http://www.sermoncentral.com/sermon.asp?SermonID=42857&ContributorID=6699

"Jesus speaks to us through his Word, and he tells us that Lent is a time of self-denial, a time to give up something. But Jesus isn’t concerned with chocolate and CD’s – he’s concerned with what’s going on in our hearts. Lent is a time to give up those sins in our lives."

i may have posted the exact same thing last year, can't remember. but i think it's importnt to remind myself why i'm doing this.
so here's what i'm giving up for lent :P :

1. deep fried foods. haha this is my "material" thing... gonna try to stretch my self control a bit... and be a bit healthier at the same time ...

2. swearing and talking smack about ppl ... hahaha.. umm yeah...
okay . so here's something i know i do . and that i can hopefully stop doing. not jsut for 40 days.. but forever. :P

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." James 3:9-12

it's pretty bad. this verse is so blatant. like "you praise God and then you talk crap about ppl who HE made and loves." "you praise God and then you curse"
my stupid mouth is what i've found impossible to tame ... but i think now, more than ever... i understand its importance.... AHh ..

Please keep me accountable. BUT here are the ground rules haha:
1. i am allowed say things about people if they have done something TO me .. i think it's ok to talk about what happened to me and to react to things that affect me. jsut not things that ppl cant' control that has nothing to do with me :P
2. i am allowed to use word substitutes... like "sugar" or etc... BABY STEPS!!!

startinggg.... NOW. haha

some pics from winter retreat:

'6chicks' -- jo, me, jackie, laur, kat, alison *heart*


cabin 5 froshie girls :D -sarah, laura, kat, bee, me, and liz



our small group! (the FUNBOYS haha) -- jiffy, joyce, herm, josie, joseph, pam, and i


dinner table sat nite -- brian, derek, dawnie, alison, maril, me, and jo


for more pics visit http://spaces.msn.com/members/jasy

How GREAT is our God...
SING WITH ME... how GReaT... is our God and ALL will see
how GREAT
how GREAT is our GOD.

retreat was ... well it was "good" ... but i'm still trying to process a lot of stuff right now. i wanna make sure it wasnt' jsut a fun time and that's the end.

pictures and thoughts to follow.

'All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all.'
Acts 4:32-33

'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'
Phil 4:6-7

What does GOD want?

what a great day! :)

... what a contrast from the past week i've had in general... except for i think sunday was good... i was just getting so tired of not so good days.
but today was both pleasurable and productive!

- i finished volumes 1 AND 2 of my english novel!! woohooo! i think it's cuz i was with alison for the entire day, she motivates me to be productive :P

-in the afternoon, i actually SAW marilyn, chris, dev, and quyen! and had a few conversations :)

-and then at nite saw JACQUELINE!!! at dinner and also took pics of her trying on different purses hahaha..

-and thennnnnn went on grocery run with alison, bee, and eric :) ... the four of us never hang out anymore.. like this term, we have't actually done anything together. but tonight was a good reminder of the crazy laughs that being with these three bring. it's like this chorus of constant jestful bickering and interesting noises that leave my eyes teary and my stomach weak from laughter... i've missed it.

-after i got back to rev i got to hang out with laura and janna for a bit and just chat and eat cake :)

-and then i talked to gladys on the phone for the first time in a long while :)

so yeah. this was the BEST day. aside from the fact that i am SICK :( hehee
here's a few visuals from grocery run :P :


me, eric, alison, and bee *cheese*


eric and his men's DEPENDS hahaha...


the girls... freezing our butts off in the van!!! :P

quotable

"It's the little things that get to you, but sometimes, it's the little things that make you smile." -little chris :P

little things that made me smile today:
- 'two straws instead of one.' i dont' know why, but that has meant the world to me.
- my english prof's really thick glasses
- toffees
- laughing with my floor girls. times like those are few and far between now adays.
- viv's blog
- seeing mike and waiki at rev
- random msn conversations
- "I wanna love you more than anyone" Gavin Degraw

the other night i remembered something my friend said to me once some time in highschool. "i understand... and i'm not upset... but one day you're gonna not think and do or say something and you're going to lose a friendship because of it. so learn, and be careful." ... i dunno why, but when i was just sitting there not knowing what to do, those words just popped into my head. i had friends in highschool like this... good friends who were both friends and older sisters to me.

all i wanted to say is that since university began, i have never missed highschool so incredibly as i do now. it was so much easier. i didn't feel this constant pressure to need to grow up. people hoped for me to better myself, but IN MY OWN TIME. maybe it stemmed from always being "the baby" ...

i pretty much stopped calling some of these friends in the fall... i dunno why. everyone's busy. and i was too. but here's a shout out to those girlies who took care of me in hs... you knwo who you are. i love you guys. your words are always in my heart even if you're not here.

There are questions i seem to always be asking myself.
One of them is, "Why must i always learn things the hard way?"
The thing is, i've always been a mega screw up... i thought that would change in university but it hasn't.

i made a HUGE mistake last nite. i made an assumption and flew into a fury... i accused someone i considered as one of my closest friends to be not a friend at all. rumours have this way of getting messy i guess... miscommunications thrive because of the stresses of school and housing and maybe in part because there are so many freakin girls here. and i can truthfully say taht things were miscommunicated to me... but that gives me no excuse for making the assumptions taht i did.

I love this person so much. They've held me together these five months... they've been my confidante, my 'mom', my person i knew i could always count on despite whatever little bickerings or arguments. they've been there for me through my MOST annoying or immature moments. i've done things i thought would make them leave but they never did. and without saying that they even cared... it was so clear. i guess i was so sure that our friendship, although not perfect, was REAL.

but because i AM such a collossal screw up... i heard a rumour ... "logically" pieced things together in my head, and because of my extreme shock and hurt and confusion, just ... lost it.
i lost whatever self control i thought i had. i was bitter, scarcastic, and mean... even if all my accusations had been true, i had no right to act in that way. but i didn't think. and i didn't clarify (although it was because of a promise i made to someone else)... but that was wrong of me. especially since i did place such a huge trust on this person. i dunno what happened. it jsut hurt so much i dind't evne know what to say or do or... i'm not making excuses i'm just saying that you were one of the best friends i've ever had and i can't even tell you how sorry i am.

i know that a simple sorry doesnt' mend things. and it scares me that because of this character flaw i have never mended all these years... i find myself in a place where i have hurt someone i care about SO much and where i have taken one of the friendships i care most about and pretty much tossed it out the window. all i could say last nite was "ugh i wanna die i wanna die.. " but that's stupid. maybe becuase of my mistake, i have lost a piece of my heart... and things might never be the same.. but what's said and done is said and done. the only thing left to do is learn from this thing that i wish never happened.

"My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." James 1:19-20

"the more i learn, the more i learn, the more i cry, the more i cry... And i see You standing there... wanting more from me.. and all i can do is TRY."

what it comes down to

the thing that's annoying is that after a while when you spend enough time with the same people they get to thinking you're a certain way and treat you as such. makes sense. but it gets tiring. with some people it's like they dont' take you seriously. with others it's like your'e CONSTANTLY screwing up. ugh. you get SICK OF IT. like you get sick of... well *I* get sick of having to friggin... justify everything i do sometimes. omg. you know what pisses me off?? when people bring stuff up THEMSELVES and then when you bring it up they get all mad and be like "oh you keep on bringing this thing up" when really, it was alreayd out of your mind and ARGH... why do you get to make "jokes" and i'm not?? ... and like when ONE MINUTE they're like all caring SO MUCH about what you do and what you don't do and then the next they're like omg go away. like shut UPPP good LORD. like make up your MIND! i dont' like people telling me where i should live. i dont' like people telling me how i should spend my time. AHHHHHHHHH... actually, i shouldnt' say that. because truthfully, even though SOMETIMES, it either makes me feel like an eight year old or makes me wanna fly into some sort of fury demanding to know why people are telling me what to do ... with CERTAIN people (not all people) it shows that they care and i wouldn't want to trade that away. and sometimes yes. i do need certain people to say things or even yell things before i listen. but it jsut gets to be too much. maybe it's that level of comfortability ... or sometimes just spending so much time with someone that everything they do is wrong to you or annoying to you. this is sucha mess of thought. of all these different people and different scenarios but I JUST NEED SOME TIME AWAY! i need to spend some time with DIFFERENT people. i was telling people that last week.. jsut... ARGH.
what it comes down to is that i just need a bit of time with less familiar faces. girl. boy. older. younger. whatEVER.
someone who's not constantly annoyed with me. either that or rollercoasterly with me.
someone who doesn't cahnge their mind about me every two seconds.
someone who has less preconceptions.
someone who isn't so set in their own mindset that it becomes impossible to converse with them.

it was so good to hang out with bee today. i guess i talk to bee a lot ... but maybe i see her less than some.. and well it ws jsut so so good to be able to talk and catch up and laugh about random things and jsut be ...ME. it was really good to talk to clara too. me, clara, and bee at timmy's that was new. that was REFRESHING. i felt like i regained some of that part of me i had in highschool a bit... that confidence in what i said. not a wavering questionning always bracing myself for attack...

please dont' get me wrong. i love all the people i was thinking of two paragraphs ago... maybe love them the MOST even... but assumptions, weariness, cliqueyness?, half-truth jokes, and unending arguments just make me wanna step back from the "circle" for a little while. maybe let our tolerances build back up a little for eachtoher. let the ego heal a little.

just *breathe*.

welcome new week

WHY is it that the week has BARELY begun and ALREADY i feel like i've screwed up in some way???... actually this time, i dont' know waht i did wrong. not really anyways. nothing SO bad that yeah... okay. *breatheeee*

it's okay. calm.

the sermon at kwcac was really good today. "Be A High Impact Christian"... pretty cool. i like "applicable" sermons. well i guess they all are.. but ones that FOCUS more on application. as well, the powerpoint always does well to keep your focus. focus. one ofthe characteristics of a high impact person. ...

welps, i've finally made a few "resolutions".. i won't call them "new years" resolutions. but thye are more things i would like to see happen in myself.

1. stop biting my nails... (i think this one has been here for a while.... so.. a plea... DO NOT LET ME BITE MY NAILS.)
2. look for the best in people. no bashing (unless PERSONALLY offended... cough. i have to take it slowly :P)
3. try not to need reassurance from my friends of their care all the time. just let things be how they are. ... have a little more trust?
4. "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." James 1:19-20 ... be less sensitive... SIMMER DOWN.
5. PUT GOD FIRST. before i call whomever, talk to HIM. before i go off to go out or to do homework... spend time with HIM. in everything... to make Him my centre and my "one pure and holy passion"...
6. take some risks. i'm so afraid to do things sometimes cuz i'm afraid i'll get shot down. i wanna step up and do what i wanna do. who knows, i might learn osmething.
7. kick the self esteem up a notch or two... i'm thinking grade 10 - 11 level. :P... i dunno. i jsut find my self esteem and self assurance sinking lower and lower since i got to university. there's no real reason for that. i want it back.

sooooo... please pray for me and hold me accountable... thanks :)

AHHHHH ...praying for a better week than last. >.< hopefully that "bad start" was jsut some ... misunderstanding? ugh.

how the mind works

during the day
when the sun blares loudly and
the air grabs at bare skin so violently,
four hundred and twenty two fragments
of shatterred conversation rush
through eardrums and then, as
if realizing their mistake, saunter
away.
and when the mind is too preoccupied
with accents, accounting, academic jabber
and trying to figure out what that smell
is
is it you?
and what's for lunch
and haha
what is that you just
said? what does mundane
mean?
it is easy not to think.

tick tock

the sky is black save for
Orion's glistening belt and a queen on her throne
a jacket is unneccessary
it smells like a florida evening
near the beach
you can hear the snow melt.
and then
it is almost impossible not to notice that perhaps
"the way i laugh may be getting annoying
my boobs are too big
should i eat less
am i becoming boring
he didn't add me to his msn list
i made a fool out of myself
she made a fool out of me and i let her
do i bother people when they are having private conversations
why can't i change
do i disappoint you
do i disappoint You"
and much easier not to think
"i am wonderful".

the end of a less than satisfactory day

a layer of frigid night air still clings to my body
and unsettledness creaks between my back and the chair as my roommate turns in slumber,
her breathing a hum over the groans of the heater,
weary.
a sigh is heaved as the last car signals 3 a.m. with a woosh.
I know without pulling back the heavy blinds that the headlights are reflecting off the pavement, slickened by grey snow.
and somewhere despite all the trying and failing and
sometimes not trying,
between the crying and the being yelled at and
disappointing,
turquoise comforters and the aftertaste of chocolate milk beckons dreams and escape.

i feel two things

tonight after ccf a bunch of us went to bbtease and afterwards jt and mike were trying to give alison a ride home because she's sick but she was trying to leave because she wanted to walk. (for the full story read Alison's blog)...
anywyas we ended up walking and we were approaching DC we saw this black figure sitting on the curb... we were like "whoa.. that's so creepy.. is that a person? is that a firehydrant?" but when we got closer we saw it was a girl. she was hugging her legs, sobbing. Alison asked her if she was okay and we ended up staying to wait with her for her ride as she cried and vented about how she had a fight with a guy and he just left her in the dark and the cold "you're not supposed to do that!" she kept saying... she was a total wreck. she was in such a state that it seemed like her whole world had been torn apart because of this guy walking away from her. she seemed so alone. gosh she wanted us to be there so bad i could tell. she wouldnt' tell us to leave. when alison asked her if she wanted us to wait with her she cried harder.

you know what pissed me off though? the fact that i was so useless the entire time. i jsut stood there. like i didn't know what to say at all.. i dind't know whether to stand or sit. i didn't have any words of comfort. i was just like this blah standing there. it's like this girl is a total wreck. and i wanted to do something to help but i could think of no words. no actions. the only words that even came to mind was "boys are crap" ... like woohoo. it's like God places this perfect opportunity in front of your face to show His love... and i blank out.

i'm starting to believe more and more in my uselessness. it's like i feel like i can never really do anything to help anyone. not even my friends when they seem like they need something. not even the people who are always there to help me. sometimes not evne your best friend, what you say is just... not right. i dunno. it's so frustrating. becuase really, sometimes you just want to either shine a light in, or lend a hand, or jsut be a good friend. but i come out empty. so useless. I pray for opportunities to show His love, and i get them. i get a girl sitting on a curb crying her eyes out. and i help zero. nilch. it's lucky that alison was there ... with her kleenex and ready words...

the situation was thought stimulating. after the girl was picked up by her friend, we walked into dc and prayed. it was hard to be calm and jsut pray because there were just all these things running through my head. i guess concern for the safety of the girl and this overwhelming sense of gratitude in having His love in my life. it's so abundant and constant.He never leaves you in the cold darkness. but you know, there's so many people who don't haev that and they won;'t always be sitting on a curb waiting for you to show them His love. i guess i need to keep my eyes wider open.. and my ears... and my heart. cuz as long as we're blessed enough to have this amazing gift we need to share it. and also just thinking about how incredibly blessed i AM.. and i need to think about that more. blessed iwth His love and also blessed with friends who would never jsut leave me standing in the cold in the middle of the night no matter what kind of fight we were in.

i dunno. i guess just some food for thought. i kept thinking to myself "wow... God totally meant for us to walk that way and jsut be there for that girl..." but now i think maybe God brought us that way to show us something. give us a wakeup call. people who need Him are all around. and it's time i stopped being so self centred and be PREPARED to give of myself when the opportunities are shown.


on a totally seperate note.... herman made me something!!!! thanks herman!!!! :D boohahaha

These first few days of the term have been really fun :) ... nice to catch up with friends ... most of the boys arent' here this term :*( ... but it's always nice to have GIRLTIME!
shopping... chilling... eating... sharing... etc. it's always funness :)

i'd have to say that my favourite class so far is engl102B... mostly because alisona nd i get to admire a cuuuuute boyyyyy in the class!! haha but also because it's novels and poetry... and i love stuff like that... really looking forward to reading.

so many laughs already... so many PICS already! hehe

p.s. i strongly dislike housing.


alison, bee, emzhei @ conestoga


me n bee ... mmm yogen fruz


jackie, me, kat, alison, jo... 1B ... "progression"!


+ clara and maril ... ccfgirlies @ bbt :)


me, alison, marilyn... why do we have so many bubble tea pics?


south a girlies (aneta, quyen, marilyn, emzhei, dev, jo, kat, chris, et moi) stuffies!


taboooooo!


still playing taboo :)


the losing team's "punishment" hahaha you brought it on yourselves!!! haha

looking forward to the rest of this term :)

happy 2005.

blessed to be alive.

resolutions?...
to be a FAT christian... faithful, available, and teachable...
if i were to take all the time that i spend thinking, talking, freaking, crying, about dumb old boys and used it to know God more... how much more would i grow?

new pictures coming...

*merry christmas*

I’m home. Back to the familiar sights and smells … a few things changed… but my family is still my family =) and my laundry smells so much better at home than at rez. I can change in my bedroom without telling someone 10 times not to turn around hehe…
I can’t believe 1A is over… what a term. Four months gone just like that… When I was in high school/jr. high my older friends would always tell me how amazing university was, how you build the most amazing friendships and how God shows you so much. And I couldn’t have possibly understood that. This term, God blessed me and showed me so much through so many amazing people. Today, I got so frustrated. I thought to myself, ‘what was the point of all this if it’s just gonna end??? People just leave and everything that was built must be rebuilt’… but a wise friend reminded me that each term is not a separate entity. Instead, life is like this novel, and each ‘section’ (in this case, each semester) is like a chapter. The next term, things change, but the characters still remain… they don’t disappear… it’s still the same story. So perhaps I only have a glimpse of what God will bless me with over the next few years. But I’d like to share a few of His blessings for me in 1A. And at the same time, say a little *thank you* to those of you who have been “main characters” in this chapter of my life. [note: all names under each heading are in alphabetical order]

Kreazeless
Maybe we’re not all in the same city but we’ll be best friends for life. Sorry girls, you’re stuck with me. I thank God for holding this bond strong… coming into university, one of my biggest fears was that kreazeless would fall apart… but I should have trusted that nothing could come between us…


Dora: I missed you so much this semester… but you were still always there with our crazy phone calls that racked up my long distance bills lol you’re the one with whom I can say anything lol we’re always saying what other people are thinking but are too afraid to say. :P I think everyone here is sick of hearing about this “dora” … but too bad because you’ll always be my best friend. … hardly anything has changed…. the laughs will continue…
Jo: my oldest friend. Our friendship has grown stronger in many ways this term… and yet, it’s been stretched further than ever before. Just because you live next door to someone doesn’t mean you talk all that much. But I praise God that the conversations we DID have were beneficial and that we have only grown closer this term despite the fact that we’re not together 24/7 like we were before. It doesn’t matter what people see or think … we’ll be best friends forever. From preschool to the first days of kindergarten/elementary, jr. high, highschool, and university. We’ve shared so much of our lives together. I’m glad to be able to continue to grow with you now…
Kat: can’t believe we’re roommates hahaha… didn’t so many people tell us we would kill each other?? And we didn’t! ha! .. thankyou for your patience. What’s been cool is some of the conversations we’ve had late at night, you’ll be reading and I’ll be fooling around on my computer … and all of a sudden we’ll just delve into thoughtful discussion. You challenge me with your sometimes random spurts of “I need to start doing devotions more regularly”… and encourage me with our sharing of how the friendships we’ve made this term are more Christ centered… you are considerate in how you leave me your eyeliner when you go home for the night… you make me laugh with your random emotions and falling off the bed and stuff hahaha… it’s been good times girlfriend, looking forward to another term with you. A less messy one? ;)

South A
South A is my floor at Ron Eydt Village where I’ve been living for the past four months. I was excited about the experience but scared too… living on an all girls floor I was like whoa.. it’s gonna be so catty and stuff… communal bathrooms? How can that be home? Home is where you make it. Let me tell you—this place has been like home to me because of all of you. I’ve been beyond blessed with a bunch of girls who have been like my “family” (most of them MOMish haha) at rev. Jo and Kat are included in here but they’ve already been afore mentioned.




Aneta: WHERE IS THE LOVE????... hahaha thanks for this term… remember when we would just flop around (before exams started) and talk about whatever? Haha Costco… you freaked out so much when you found out I knew NO songs hahaha but soon enough you had me singing along to Carl Henry – hey we met our goal! Haha I know all the words =) … we bicker a lot… disagree about a lot… it’s sort of funny :P but in the end we both know we’re still great friends. That means a lot. Next term we must have more of those days where we just feel the urge to look good and sing in the showers… too funny =P
Dev: how do you put up with me? You’re one of the most patient people I have ever met in my entire life. You just sit and listen to me whine and whine and whine and cry and whatever else. I can flip out at you and you don’t get mad. You’ve assured and reassured me again and again that you care. I guess that’s why that “best friends” things goes beyond a frosh week joke. Fun times girl—night talk, freaking out about boys, scrapbook!, song of the week!, last beautiful day of November, eating brown food and drinking tea, Halloween weekend (being stared down at a SriLankan grocery store! Haha), your “mom”ness, squirt and your bed is so freakin soft! … there’s more but i would eventually like to finish this blog entry :P thanks devinkapaiva.
Chris: it’s been amazing getting to know you so much better … I remember the first time the “quiet” chris spazzed out I was like “whoa… who IS this girl” but now I know that’s just how you are hahaha… I means a lot when I just need to get OUT of the building and get some air.. to take things off my chest that we can go walk around outside … admire the prettiness and just talk about everything. We’ll both miss people next term but throw in a little bit of karaoke, accidentally in love, sociology… we’ll still have a blast heehee.. thanks.
Emzhei: my hakka sister. Seriously, before you I have never met anyone I’m not related to who is hakka. Man.. I don’t need to write this, you already know what you mean to me. You challenge me every day with your selflessness and perseverance… all this crap can be going on in your life but you shove that aside and you’re right there for everyone—especially me. How many times this term were you up til 3:30 when you had 8:30 class just listening to me rant about everything? So many . I can always cry with you. We had some fun times though eh?... remember the guitar playing haha and making fun of marilyn, and our cartilage piercing!!! And so much more… I dunno where the future’s going but I feel so blessed to have you as a friend here and now.
Laura: Laura you’re like the clear head of the hall… floor.. whatever. Everything I confide in you, you think out rationally, simply, as if the answer was so obvious. Ok maybe it was, just not in my crazy frazzled brain haha… you’re never letting me put myself down and helping me up when I am. If only you were around more but you sleep at like 10pm hahahaha joking joking :P … thanks for your hugs babe.
Janna: there’s something you said to me that really made me smile… you say this a lot but it’s actually really encouraging—“I believe in you”… I guess we haven’t had super much time to talk about everything but I guess this past term I’ve had a lot of self doubt and whatever and when you say that it just gives that little *=)* to put me back on track. Boy talking with you and laura is always so much fun—it’s so sad. I live vicariously through you guys with your hot boyfriends hahaha… cough cough. Hopefully they don’t somehow stumble upon this and think I am a freak. =P
Marilyn: maril you are just this wonderful person in a tiny package :P .. it’s crazy how much people make fun of you and you take it and take it hahaha I mean, if someone told ME I had broad shoulders and hairy fingers… lol jk jk… I probably got to know you better before anyone else this term, since you were the only one who stayed weekends because of your Saturday labs haha… too bad.. but we had fun didn’t we? Just talking about random things, walking to random places, almost getting hit by trains, and gushing about whatever boy… you were one of the few that shared both my “floor” life and “ccf” life and that means so much to me. Because both groups of friends mean the world to me and the fact that you were there through it all … well I’m just so thankful. Thanks for being such a great friend to me all the time listening to me bch and moan and letting me fall asleep on your bed all the time haha stop shining lights into my eye you psycho :P
Quyen: babe you crack me up. Seriously, whenever I need a lift you’re there. You fob me up too hahaha … thanks for the tension songs… I guess we didn’t get much of a chance to talk about every single little thing this term—seeing how you don’t stay weekends and you’re all the way on the other side of the hall haha jk … but you’ve been an amazing friend to me. Offering to help me clean my extremely messy room even though I KNOW you hate mess. Haha… you’re always so fun to chill with and joke around about randomness. Thanks for lightening up the place. It can sometimes get too … dramatic. Especially with ME around :P
Whitney: my ARTS friend!!!!! Wits… I don’t see you that often… but when I do it’s always nice to have midnight heart to hearts … good to get an artsy perspective on things haha jk but yeah… it’s really awesome having you to talk to about stuff…and just bum around and eat jap snacks and candies from a tin hahaha… those are so good and from a good movie … even though your friends think I can’t speak Chinese I CAN. Thanks for being there. We need to go to pacific and take card pictures yayyyyy!

6Chicks
Don’t make fun. I just needed a nice heading for these girls so I could make a blurb about this. … six girls from ccf… the ones I grew closer with earlier on I guess, started meeting up with each other weekly to share and pray with each other. Seriously, you know how people say that friendships that are Christ centered last and are so meaningful? I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that to its full extent until this year. I can’t tell you all how much it meant to be able to meet up and just be so open and to just lift everything up in prayer. Even before that whole prayer thing started, we were still there always keeping each other accountable. Even when we disagreed on stuff we wouldn’t just keep it inside but we cared enough to talk about it… to make sure issues were resolved and the right things were done. You girls are like sisters to me. I remember this one time when Alison was praying (and everyone was crying again hahaha) and she was like “we’re not blood… but we’re close enough”. Jo, Kat, Alison, Jacqueline, Laura--- thanks for being like family.


CCF Frosh
I keep hearing people say “the frosh this term were really close”… and we were! So praise God for this amazing group of brothers and sisters =)




ccfGirls
The “6Chicks” weren’t the only CCF girls that meant a lot to me this term… with time, God blessed me with even more girlies that are really amazing. It was awesome to see God grow a small group of girls bigger especially the few times toward the end of the term where we all got together to pray at slc… and kat flushed her phone down the toilet and bee said we were “interesting” haha sorry had to add that in somewhere.
Hey, it’s pretty much just gonna be us girls next term. Thanks for all your prayers and funness (especially around exam time). Emzhei, Jo, Marilyn, and Kat are included but have already been mentioned.

Alison: what to say… are there words to describe this strange relationship of ours? … I guess kat referred to it as a “love hate relationship” but it’s so much more… :P … you keep being super mean to me all the time but I still keep “coming back”… why? Because I know you care anyways. Because you’re this amazing friend who ‘wastes’ her time on me and who tells me I’m like Kleenex when I’m sobbing thinking I’m good for nothing. Because you’re not afraid to kick me in the butt when I’m doing something stupid and tell me to wake up. We can argue a lot about all this crap and then two seconds later sit there and laugh and laugh (sometimes about the same crap). You challenge me to evaluate myself, question my motives, and lead a God centered life. And we have fun. Whatever this friendship is I know it’s not fake or superficial. Thanks for everything.
Bee: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… EeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEe hahaa.. sorry that I shafted you in the beginning of the term. My loss. I missed out on monthssss of hanging out with an insane but beyond cool chickie named Bernice. Freaking out with you is always therapeutic and fun haha… you make me forget about stuff when we do silly things like run around and build baby snowmen and do “photography” shots and draw pictures and eat breakfast (grr to the person who sneezed in my EGGS!) haha and yet you’re there to really talk when I need to and give good advice –thanks!… stay the way you are bee, we’re gonna have a blast next term!
Clara: clara keh keh keh .. hahahha… you crack me up girlfriend… it’s been fun getting to know you more … “studying” at slc, taking crazy pics, singing Christmas carols, shopppppinnnng!, watching movies... fun times =) … thanks for your encouraging note =) I like notes! And for your prayers both with just the girls and at the 10oclock prayer meetings, those meant a lot especially before/during exams. Oh! And for your words of wisdom you left on my desktop :=)… hahaa sorry about my “habits” that you don’t approve of ;) hopefully I can modify them or they’ll grow on you by next term ;) haha …
Jackie: I remember in the beginning of the term when I used to confide in you for every little thing. We used to mega hang out… remember walking outside mikey’s just talking and talking and crying but .. then it got cold?... thanks for that. You were the first friend at UW I considered to be even remotely close to knowing me. You were like the first new “real” friend I had. I guess we both got busier and more distant during the term, but I don’t consider you as any less of a friend than you were back in September… that meant and still means a lot. Maybe we’re getting “back” now. I’ve enjoyed the conversations we have … you inspire me to continually seek after a stronger and closer relationship with God daily. Your honesty and openness is treasured and your prayers all the more. Thanks for your song sharing hehehe yay michelle branch and starfield!!!! We will be forever more, soulmates!—even though we’ve figured out that we don’t have *everything* in common ;)
Laura: laura you’re awesome. Thanks for always looking out for me and keeping me accountable (even though you abuse your power!!! Haha)… I remember that time me you and kat went out and just shared our testimonies with eachother at Williams, that was really cool to be able to talk about stuff like that. I guess there was a point where we didn’t agree on certain things and I thought that maybe you didn’t like me anymore because of it… but it was totally nothing like that because you were just being the caring sister that you are. I’m so glad you got us all to talk about it because I guess it’s really important and awesome to be able to be open and honest about stuff like that. Thanks for your funness… too bad those lights went out on us eh? We still gotta get jon back for his snowjobs—winter retreat? Hehe…

ccfBOYS
It was a blessing to have a lot of closer Christian guy friends this term. Never had that much before… nice to have some “testosterone” in the mix… except.. most of these guys had more estrogen than some of the girls hahaha jokes jokes (sort of).

Andrew: Andrew TSOI!... you are one crazy guy. Probably the first guy I really got to know this term. Econ was fun … us and our many variations of tic tac toe and our note writing… livened up Larry’s class (not that larry smith needs to be livened) =) … thanks for our heart to hearts on the way back from class, at timmy’s, and etc… it’s good to see the deeper side of Andrew sometimes =) But also good to see the funny dorky side who makes fun of marilyn all the time and makes stupid but funny jokes and plays yanni on the piano. Thanks for a great term. Stay that way, I’m actually on stream with you!
Bily: your cheerful cartoon face makes me smile =) guess that’s why every time I saw you I’d just get so happy and “HI BILY!!!”ish hahaha… it was fun having fun with you! I have many memories of you captured in my camera considering you stick your head into every possible picture hehehehe =) it’s a good thing! (most of the time haha) it was nice actually having serious’er’ conversations with you nearer to the end of the term. Nice to have guy friends to confide in ya know?... it’s nto the same as girltalk, sorry man. But I respect that you are very in touch with your feminine side ;) thanks for the origami rose, and for spending all day TRYING to figure out how to make us each something different. Missing you already bilyboy… you’d better fly down from bc and visit!
Chris: sorry that I didn’t get to hang out with you much this term… but that “allnighter” at slc was fun … I enjoyed watching you fart on everyone while they were sleeping and taking pics of it hahaha how old are we like five? =P… you are cool because you like cows. Better chill with us more next term!!!
Eric(frosh real frosh): eric you know what’s really fun? Hahhaa screwing with your mind lol .. just kidding. Although you have to admit, the whole “hating” thing was pretty good. Thanks for your friendship this term man, our all-nighters for psych, actually hanging out with you was mostly very late at night… next year you better not try to kick me out of the “group” haha just because I am on co-op, anyways I DRAW THE PICTURES and we both know that the pictures determine everything. Haha thanks for all the foodies and the chocolate milk. For caring enough to trek all the way across campus to bring us stuff. I gained like a gazillion lbs from drinking 2 packs of hot chocolate a night. See you next term.
Herm: oh herman…thanks for your friendship this term. Thanks for times where we’d just sit and talk about stuff. For webcam conversations. For prayer. It’s hard to know what to say… but you’re just always THERE for me. And that meant so much. Means so much. i know you’re in montreal.. and I miss you already but I know we’ll be friends forever in the Lord. Fun times with snowball fights, movies, nights at your place, night at my place haha… it meant a lot to be able to spend your last night here with you. Thanks for that amazing powerpoint. It summed things up so well. Put in audiovisual how much this term meant and the strength of our friendships. Powerful stuff man. Visit me, we’ll go shopping.
Jon Lau: little jon!!...you make me laugh hehe It was really fun just chilling, singing K... haha (i love your boyband singing), did you get some fingerless gloves for Christmas? :) I’m glad to have gotten to know you and have you as a friend even if we didn’t get to hang out as much as i would’ve liked :P But it’s quality not quantity time that matters right? You still have to finish your story... you know what i mean. Miss you—visit!
Jon Lo: Wow... the crazy quartet was back together again for a term!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve never spent THIS much time in the same city as you before, but it proved to be a lot of fun. I’ve missed the old K-camp/tc/wonderland times, but this term at UW has proved to be really amazing... to be able to grow, fellowship and pray with you haha and do silly things like toga party, “study”, and have snowball fights haha almost as good as our old water fights :) with the four of us around we can never run out of fun- glad to share this new era with you.
Kevin: KEVING! I hardly saw you at all this term. But i like you! I wish we hung out more this term. Thanks for the chats and jokes we DID share =)
Victor: qwoei ujdfiwop awdkjrtlisut jd sdfie wmoifdg [ 8394820 k9wer wekr9wi0 wwpe9r8 w –i know you can read elvish, so you must’ve understood that sentence. Hahaha just kidding it’s a very cool trait… hahaha it was fun chilling with you this term.. especially those “interesting” conversations we had at slc on msn even tho we were sitting across from eachother. I love that your guitar is named after me. And that you have the most insanely strong memory of anyone I’ve ever met. Will miss you next term =( but hey, you live in Toronto so you can visit us! =) continue to charm the ladies with the elvish! (good luck with that)

upperYEARS
Just wanted to say a short thank you to the upper years of ccf that were there for me this term… I guess I a lot of the people in ccf that I was closer with graduated these past few years and I felt like I knew a lot of the upper years but only superficially. But these people have been REALLY supportive of the frosh. Doing random nice things for us, praying for and with us, giving guidance, just chilling with and getting to know us. Especially the prayer meetings during exam time at slc… whoever started that is my hero. That was so needed and appreciated. Means a lot.

Andrew: you’ve been like a big brother to me these past few years. We go “way back” hehe but this term in itself was so much fun… especially being able to worship with you… thanks for showing me the ropes with that eh?... and for your last words of wisdom. Will hold them in my heart.
Dave: my buddy dave!... we’ve known eachother for a few years.. but never truly talked until this term. Thanks for listening to me freak out especially in the beginning about my insecurities. Thanks for your brotherly advice and for driving us around in your sexy blue car… LIZ PHAIR! P.s. don’t be influenced by Alison, you are a NICE GUY.
Deb: deb… thanks for your friendship these past few years =) thanks for always taking the time to make sure I was doing okay this term and for inviting me out to women’s cell even though I came so few times (never thought it would be so busy)… it’s always fun to hang out and chat =)
Eric (frosh not frosh eric): ericcheng! Thanks for your caring and considerateness… your cheerful smile always rubs off on everyone hehe… it’s nice hanging out with you more since you are a frosh now… sort of haha thanks for driving me around and having us over at westcourt for dinners and stuff =)
Jenny and John: Thanks for leading frosh cell… it was the group that began the foundation for a bunch of the friendships I treasure so much. you guys are God-sent =)
JT: You took the time to spend with a lot of us this term.. just to chill with us and get to know us… you studied with us and you jabbed me with a pen so I would get up and study (maybe) and not fail my exams hahaha… you’re a real pal =) except when you helped mike almost kill me during the snowball fight ;) hehe
Mike: Michael!! You finally added me to your msn list!!!! I win! =D Haha thanks for always doing nice things for people… for having us over for dinner at westcourt all those times. Way to throw me on the ground and kick snow at my faceeeeeee haha you are so mean. but in the end, you’re a cutie patootie anyways! Whee… keep that cheerful disposition, it’s contagious.
[to both you and JT: I’ll EAT my CRUST okayyYYYY?? Hahaha, if you throw bread at me at winter retreat I will CRY. =P]
Ray: It was cool being able to chill with you again this term in econ… thanks for helping me out and landing me that 87 on the first midterm… God knows I needed that mark considering how badly I did on the second one eeeEEEE.. sorry man, but you will never convert me into a fitness freak like you hahaha props for trying though! =D

peoplewhoSTAYEDclose
One of my biggest fears going into university was that I would lose touch with everyone from my “past”. I guess I’m really blessed to have a lot of people who kept in touch. But I just wanted to say a few thankyou’s to people who stayed close. Dora is included but she was already mentioned before.

Gladys: I never have reason to doubt but I do. I won’t even apologize because I feel like I might do it again. *sigh* … but thanks for being there. You’re like family to me. I may not always see you but I know you’re always there whenever I really need something.
Ina: We didn’t even talk much this term… it’s been so busy. But I just wanted you to know that it meant a lot to me that you’d message me all the time to make sure I was doing okay and to see if I ever needed anything. Thanks.
Janey: Thanks for the calls… the emails… the calling me to hang out or eat when you came up to loo. It means a lot to know that someone remembers I’m alive and actually takes an effort to stay close. Thanks for being there.
Shabba: You will always be my big sister. Since I was nine years old you’ve stuck around for me… thanks for the advice… you were a constant this term. Something I really needed. Things seem unstable a lot, but you were always there. Thanks.
Tiff: my girl and aunt tiff hahaha… we had some fun times this term even though we were two hours apart =) … your visits, wayne and jess’s wedding… hey… these all seem so THEMED =P I’ll leave that up to your interpretation haha you always make me laugh babe. Glad we could stay tight.
Viv: I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you that much this term… I could have definitely called more …hung out more. Guess it’s just so easy to get caught up. But you continually took the effort and that means so much to me. Good to see you around at timmy’s and chill once in while … sorry that it leads to you doing “rebellious” things hahaha it’s okay. You can live on the edge a little ;)

Okay it’s finally over. I have nothing to say except after writing this… I realize that the term was kind of themed—it seems that prayer was huge. It IS huge. The power of prayer is huge. And God’s blessings for me this term were HUGE. ThankYOU =)
p.s. if i forgot to thank anyone, i'm really sorry. REALLY. i'm sure you're important in my heart even if your name wasnt' on the tip of my tongue.

the editor apologizes for the delay in the promised post ...

never thought i would have so much to say about this term.. about the amazing people that i've met/grown with...

that's right. i said you're amazing okay? ... OKAY???? cut me a break guys ;) hahaha... the post will be up in time for CHRISTMAS :D

on the agenda today:
- much much muCHHHHh last minute christmas shopping
- KWCAC christmas dinner -- prayluder reunion :D <3 i'mreally looking forward to that.
- finish up that post :D

miss everyone so much. merry christmas eve!

already there have been too many goodbyes said...
gotta wait one more day til i can scream as loud as they can.

see you soon (?) ... you will be missed.

tomorrow... a big huge huge huge huge HUGE blog post coming. seriously.

life is a gift

what is there to take from tragedy?
"And time waits for no man... seasons come and go.. in the midst of an ever changing world, this one thing i know...
you've got to LIVE every moment as though it was your last
before the thief of always steals tomorrow from your grasp
before the chance to know His love, has somehow passed you by... let your heart reach out, right here right now, for the LOrd to touch your life" jaci velasquez

--- my deepest sympathies and heartache.

cookies
i tried to "bake" cookies today... (the precut pillsbury kind of course) ... i didn't know that i had to preheat the oven. and in the end so many of them were charred black. and a few undercooked. i have problems. :P

jacqueline leung
i saw jackie today and it made my day. :) you are special and very existant in my blog hahaahaha ^_^

"pk"
i experienced true "pk"ing today... PK is a new term i learned from alison this term. i won't type what it stands for here because i am not sure who reads this anymore sometimes.... i'll say it's chinese and i'll leave it to your imaginations. anyways pretty much it means like wiping out or falling on your face. well thanks once again to alison i got to physically try out the newfound term :P hahaha slipped and slid down a little hill on ice ... my backpack like flipped over my HEAD and a boy was there that i don't know very well. HOW EMBARRESSING. i am sure he was thinking "what a dork" ahh well. i'm a klutz what can i say? not that it helps when your friends ask whether they can PUSH you though :P haha..

sleepover
me, jo, maril, emzhei, JT, herman, and chris are camping out on the third floor of slc for the night. it's now four and JT, herman, marilyn, and emzhei are all sleeping :P sleep is for the weak lol i wonder who of me jo and chris will last the longest haha You know exams need to end WHEN.... oh.. and guess what? joanna doesn't even have an exam tomorrow... you know you're a nerd WHEN...
*jo says: i just didn't wanna be ALOOOONE at rez tonight.... and this is where eveyrone is :P*
you know you have no friends WHENNNN hahhhahahahaha... jk

okay back to chinese. can't wait to see the sunrise from up here.

i miss when we had time to play like this...
(by jess's request ;) )

jo, jess, alison, justin, oops i forget his name, and i on "cube" night lol


my roommate is a nervous wreck
hahahhaaha... first of all, she has been crying SO easily this week ... just now i was playing the song "I Give You My Heart" and she turns around on her bed and goes "this song is REALLY MOVING" and her voice was like shaking. she cries everytime we have sharing/prayer time. tonight we were talkinga bout how the boys are all leaving next term and then i was like "you know what's weird? we won't see alison for a whole year next year" and kat goes "... she'll visit... SHE'LL VISIT!!!!!" i swear she was gonna cry. BAH she makes ME want to cry. lol last night she flushed her cellphone down the toilet. and she cried and laughed at the same time... hahahhahahahaha

prayer
it's so good to lift eachother up in prayer even during this crazy time.
how blessed am i? so very.

some visuals (i have no idea why some of the pictures came out bigger tahn others)
pretty much living at the slc this past week

sometimes when we get bored of doing this:
(1. marilyn and chris hard at work 2.bee studying and keeping warm at the same time 3. jo and herman sleeping on the job lol)





we get .... "creative":





AHhhhh... back to studying... will post more pics after exams are done.

congrats to my best kat on your baptism!!! :)

aaaahHAHHHh.. i'm such a spaz. i think i'm manic depressive aka bipolar. seriously. i can get so easily saddened. it's liek WHEEE!!!! cry... WHEEE!!!! ... uh yeha. ok .
speaking of bipolar-- my psych final went really well i think! i finished in 45 min because i knew almost all the answers and yeah.

it's snowing!!!!!! so pretty outside and the snow is stay on the ground packing snow!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........ me and bee made an itty bitty snowman and then we made another one but it fell to it's death. : (

okay i should study econ now *cry*...

it's really funny because i basically have no concept of time anymore..
i eat breakfast between 2 and 4:30 am every day
i live at the slc and fresh air is breathed only by walking between home and slc
i have like 5 cups of tea every day...surprisingly no coffee!
i haven't talked to dev and aneta (two of my best friends on my floor)for over a week.
when i met up with bernice for breakfast at 4:30, some random girl sneezed on my eggs. it was so gross. haha
I'M gross. today i forgot whether i showered yesterday or not... i did. but i forgot. how gross is that?
i'm getting a "wakeup call" from alison in two and a half hours.
but i'm still studying more... possibly until 6:30 or 7.

one hour of sleep seems adequate to me. ok. back to studying.

and every time i try to fly i fall... i feel so small.

mini-rant

i'm not saying that i want, as clara put it at prayer meeting tonite, "Fairweather Friends"... but there are times, like now, where what i want the most is for someone to just sit there and tell me they care about me and that everything will be a-ok. i find myself really frustrated.
like, i can be sitting there crying and i won't get a hug or a "dont' worry... it's okay" ... i get "you shouldn't feel like this, you're doing this wrong, you think wrong in this way " stuff to that kind of effect. or i'll be stressed out over something and instead of getting a "dont' worry, everytihng will work out" i get a "you should have done it this way, if you had done this-- this situation wouldn't have happened" or a "hwy are you thinking about this, it's not important"

it's seems like people lately just love to tell me what i need to improve upon.

CLARIFICATION: i DO appreciate people's constructive criticism, helpful hints, and caring advice...

but when that's all you ever hear... it gets to be... too much? maybe i want to hear some words of encouragement or SOMEthing, because to be honest i feel like no one loves me for me anymore!!
maybe i'm jsut a baby. i need to be stronger. i need to grow up.

right now-- seriously, all i need is a hug.

once upon a time there was a jug. so this jug figured out that people don't like jugs. jugs spill things everywhere. jugs pour drinks for people that don't want them. jugs try to pour without thinking about it and then end up splashing and stuff. everyone can just peer into the jug and see exactly what's inside... well that's what they thought because they could see a certain colour and consistency. so eventually the jug got sick and tired of disappointing people and being a problem. so it became a bottle.

so the bottle sits. it's a tinted, ribbed bottle... so you cant' see what's inside clearly. it has a cap so nothing spills. it's sure of itself. and it's always "half full". always.

people seemed to like the bottle. so the jug decided never to change back.

the end.

i'm writing a paper on second generation immigrants...
i never hated research so much ever in my entire life. in highschool i could do a paper the night before and get 90% on it.
what's wrong with me now? ...

<3 jackie got a bunch of us girls long stemmed roses.. SO NICE :D ... thanks babe, you made my week. <3

on that note... imma gonna get back on the paper *grumble* ... can't believe tomorrow is december... WHERE DID THE TIME GO!??!?!

proactive

michelle nurin's roommate gave me her proactive today!! apparently she doens't use it anymore so she gave it to me and it's pretty much brand new so yeah! the stuff costs like $60 right?a nd i've wanted to get it for so long but now i get to try it out for free! woot

accountability

before university people kept telling me to think about and figure out where i stood in terms of alchohol and stuff like that before i got to university. i guessi never really took the time to do that..i should have... i guess not really thinking about it left me feeling pretty stupid. because of certain events, the issue of alchohol consumption was brought into the light this past week, and it was interesting to discover the contrasting views about it even within the small group of ccf girls i spend the most time with. kat, jo, marilyn, emzhei, alison, jacqueline, laura, and i got together tonight and just talked about our views and just shared with eachother... i was a bit afraid beforehand... i guess scared that there would be all this tension and that we would be judging eachother or whatever. but it proved to be a pretty beneficial evening and it showed that we all care for eachother and are willing to listen and hold eachother accountable for the boundaries we set for ourselves. i guess it was good for me to think about my own boundaries too some more. sometimes you dont' think about things in a certain angle until it's brought to light. but yeah.. i dunno it also meant alot that emzhei and marilyn came even though emzhei wasnt' there that night and marilyn wasn't that comfortable. they knew my fears and that i wasn't sure how much i trusted ppl and etc... and they came to support me. which means the world. God has really blessed me with incredible friends -- both to hold me accountable, and to give me loving support. all these girls have in some way shown these things to me and for that i am truly thankful.

linkiessss

i added new links :) checckiiit

sometimes i want to know...

What do I mean to you?

is it so wrong to ask... or wonder...

"For you formed my inmost parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise you, for I am FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE; *marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:13-14

and when i fall down on my knees and pray... my heart is captured when i hear you say... come with Me my child to a secret place... I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.

late night / early morning

Kat's alarm clock went off for the fiftieth time this morning and she calls over sleepily at me:

Kat: for some WEIRD reason.... my alarm clock says it's 10:45...
Me: really??? that IS weird... [check my alarm clock] oh weird... so does mine!

our late night psych study group... i look like a retard but hey it was really late and we were really tired... :