what a swell week(end)!

my dora came up on thursday, and that night a bunch of ppl went to kzone haha to sing and be stupid =) dora and i butchered when you believe and a whole new world, jane and karen did hardcore canto songs, chris and kev came which was awesome because i hardly ever get to hang out with them plus chris is hilarious, we sang offkey happy birthday to hannah, kat knocked over someone's drink, haha oh and christie kat dora and i did testtubebaby shots which were abso_lute_ly disgusting. they look like actual embryos.


for some reason, that night, dora and i started speaking to eachother in chinese accents. and then, for the _entire_ weekend, we couldn't stop. and we started infecting (and annoying) other people with it. and honestly even now i can't stop. my _thoughts_ have become in a chinese accent, and i am strugggling with grammar and intonations when i actually speak normal english. engrish. oh mah gaaahhd.

friday was PHIL'S. :) it was a good time seeing a bunch of highschool/elementaryschool friends and letting loose.



saturday was planning for camping and at night, chris's sister's stag&doe! goodtimes with the sAgirlies... i got PIED in the faceeee by rolvin and NOone helped me! sadness haha but it was funny. esp since dev and i got our revenge :) after the stag&doe, carson jo kat dora and i got a ridiculous amount of food from sobey's and ate and watched Shop Girl at kat's.


sunday we went to toronto bright and early for christie's baptism at grace gospel :) it was a really joyful service, and it was really cool to hear christie's testimony. christie challenges me alot in the sense that compared to her, i have a really "easy" time being a christian, and yet i take for granted the freedoms i have to spend with and for God. after the service, we all went out for dim sum haha the boys cheered for the sew mye and ha gow and then the waitresses ignored them and walked away. meanwhile, they were telling the girls how beautiful we are and begging us to eat more food. lol ... after dim sum dora jo kat carson and i went to commerce for bbt and met up with andrew and bee. after a time of chatting and dropping dora off at home, we picked up jacq and headed back to waterloo.




and so ends my practically perfect weekend. i'm sure i just bored everyone to death but i don't care! i am happy! :) and next wknd is SAUBLE! :D yayayayay.

special

i spent the better part of the afternoon at square1.
my mom and my sister went to go buy a grad dress and i got the chance to sit down with my dad at second cup and just chat.

i realized that i really appreciate just being able to share our lives with eachother. something i really admire about my dad is that he really loves God and loves our church and is passionate about his service to God and to others at our church. he's passionate about musical worship, yet, he doesn't seek only to serve in the ways that he finds the most enjoyable. he's always seeking ways to best serve other brothers and sisters, even when what the best thing is isn't the funnest or most exciting thing for him. A servant heart. yes. that's what he has.

and i think that's special.

oh the horror

what on earth is waterloo coming to? i am shocked and appauled!
of all the wastes of time and energy...

ten digit dialing???!
>=(

_not_ impressed.

girl talk with alex haha
nachos and a seabreeze at the keg with gladys
three dip bread and "forgetting i'm not in highschool"haha at moxie's with janey
disney store, starbucks, and laughs(always) at fairview with bee and andrew

let's not forget another date with my boyfriend, albeit, he slept through most of it.

and quality ME time. :) spent in the way we love most, shopping. <3
polka dot shirt from h&m
pink T from hollister
visited zara and seriously considered another polkadot top, but in the end, we sadly parted ways. & urban outfitters has stolen my heart. but not my wallet! =)

my heart feels like its had its chance to breathe.

i'm about to head out to catch the bus, but not before i grab my chicken pad thai from spring rolls *drooool*

things that waterloo needs to get:
1. h&m
2. hollister
3. urban outfitters
4. a subway system
5. the people i love who are not already there

i was going to say spring rolls, but i think part of its appeal, is having to travel to get it :P

tralala* i am happy. =)

can't do waterloo anymore
things are too fuzzy here. disappearing
and messy, sloshing all over
and my eyes are like cups filled to the very, very tip
and i've been tense, trying to carry them smoothly

don't spill

so i'm packing up my eyes
and my backpack
and taking them away for a very little while

escape r u n away.

deep thoughts by me

I work at the UW Call Centre. For those of you who don't know, it is located in South Campus Hall. During one of my shifts today, i went to the bathroom and when i flushed the toilet, the flush was SO violent.
Here is a phoenetic example of how it sounded: SHHHLLLLPPP!!!BAMMM!!!WHOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The water looked like aggressive rapids slash whirlpool whatever.
So I thought to myself after this dramatic occurance-- i should blog about how violent the toilets are at SCH! And about a milisecond after _that_ thought crossed my mind, i realized how ridiculous it was to blog about the violent toilets.

And THENNNN
i thought about how there are people who title their blog things like "Deep thoughts of blabalbal" or "My Deep Thoughts" or "Deep Inside my Mind" ... something to that effect. Pardon me if your blog is entitled in such a manner, but i am not thinking of _you_ because at this moment i can't even come up with an example of any specific blog! But, come on, really. I've always cringed whenever seeing such titles on people's blogs. Because!--

1. That means that whatever you post has to be super... "deep"!.. so to speak, and if you post silly things or trivial things, people will automatically assume that those, as the title indicates, are your deepest thoughts!

2. Why would people be so cocky as to proclaim their "deepness" to everyone? "Oh my gosh everyone, i am so deep. i post my deep deep thoughts online so everyone can be enriched by my deepness." ... i dunno. just something about that rubs me the wrong way.

by now, you are probably wondering why i lack such a great deal of a life to take the time to write all these shallow shallow things.
well this is what happens when i work at the call centre for eight hours straight!
but really! normally my thoughts are VERY deep! ... deeper than deep! Honest!!!

ok i am going to stop now. and go to bed before i hurt myself.

being boring

today, alan came up and we went to starbucks and somewhere in our conversation, the topic of "getting boring" came up. we both vowed never to be boring. not even if we got married. haha and when you get married, that is an easy trap to fall into.
but then i was thinking about it, and maybe i'm already starting to get boring. life used to be this big adventure for me. and everything that happened was a big deal, so exciting. nowadays, i don't really care about as many things. and i've been strangely antisocial this term, sticking only to the familiar and safe. things don't seem important and meaningful as much anymore. and that scares me. it makes me want to paint a giant mural. or write a book. or disappear to somewhere fabulous.

i love:
the olds.
the subway.
weddings.
dor.
the sunshine. the mall.
ga jeh.
taking p i c tur es.
spring rolls. my "boyfriend".
bubble tea.
toronto.

this is all i can say right now. (i know it's not much)

no matter how much you ignore Him, how much you go against Him, break His heart,
pretend He doesn't see things, doesn't care, doesn't know... it doesn't make any difference. just beucase i pretend God isn't there doesn't mean He's not sitting right beside me every second. just beucase i think He doesn't care doesn't make His love for me any smaller. and even though i've been ignoring Him for so long He hasn't and won't give up on me.

PRAISE GOD for that.

All I Can Say : David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now (i know it's not much)
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now (i know it's not much)
And this is all that I can give (yeah that's my everything)


Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

and now, to live...

ah la lala la life is wonderful

well at least it was these past two weeks. but now my dora has gone and it's back to the daily blahnesss ... although!! i DID end up getting that job at the uw call centre woohoo! and i trained today-- 9 to 5... making calls is actually really tiring.

recap of the past two weeks (starting last monday):
monday: fed, tuesday: fubar, wednesday: movie night, thursday:failed caesars, fubartake2, friday: my dora comes! ccf bbq, hostel movie night, saturday: BT lunch, fox&thefiddle, failed phil's, sunday: 'sauga, tiff sleepsover at kat's too-- midnight walk under the stars(spooky), monday: wings@morty's, molly's, tuesday: lunch with esther, visit highschool teachers, din with the cheung's, movienight-family stone+hoodwinked wednesday: mongolian + molly's take2, thursday: morty's, phil's (oops! heavy metal night O_o), caesar's, pizzaaar, friday: dor leaves :(

music of the week-- most definitely jason mraz and shakira... oh a bit of rihanna, mariah, and christina milian hahaha

quotable:
- "in our hearts a hopeless song we never hoped to heaaarrrr..." "NO HOPE!!!" *splash*
- "you are my best responsible friend"
- *whispers* "shakirashakirashakira"
- "what big ears you have!" "all the better to hear your many criticisms"
- " .. i don't drink coffee!" *smile*
- "an avalanche is coming and i do not feel prepared!"

there must be more but i am way too tired.

summer highs*

this has been SUCH a fun week!
i think i'm getting over my antisocialness a bit... at least when it comes to going out at night.
monday - fed103, tuesday - fubar, ... thursday is caesar's and friday rev.
saturday toronto? :\

and tonight i think kat jo jess and i are gonna have a girl's night in and eat pizza and icecream and stufff.. reLAXing :D

AND!!! i have an interview in 25 minutes!! *crosses fingers* i need this job.

ok, so now i wish i was back in t.o./sauga

i hate the 519. maybe it's just not wanting to be where there are expectations. thats' why i didn't want to go to toronto this wknd... dreading people and their expectations.
and now i'm back in waterloo and i'm just... i dunno. trying to hide away?...
i feel so anti-social it's weird. maybe it's pms or maybe the "social butterfly" has hidden away for good. i just ...dont' want to make any effort at all. i dont' want to pretend like i'm happy to see people if i'm not. and i don't want to talk to people about "what's been going on" ... there is nothing to tell. and even if there was. i don't feel like telling people useless facts about my life for the time that they were absent.

i had such a good weekend thoughhhh ... had spring rolls TWICE. went to hollister THREE times. saw bee, went to 'mean girls mall' with mamalaura, KREAZELESS reunited (which pretty much never ever happens), tried indian food, got sunglasses* from h&m hehe, anddddd had street meat!...

and then we drove into loo and i wanted to hide away.
(&watch cruel intentions && call jannamae)

between the goodbyes and hellos and the lazyness and the business
it's all kind of just blurry
it's like practically nothing is significant enough to put down into words
i just don't really care about much lately...?

(well) i did get an interview for wednesday so that's nice

and i'm on an escape to the toronto this weekend... although right about now i'm not sure if i'd rather just stay home... (and drive around and around and around a parking lot under the stars)
but at least i get to see doraaaaa! :)

"nothing to prove, cuz it's you and me (and all of the people)"

stalker?

i'm pretty sure someone thinks i'm stalking him. but i'm honestly, truly not.

He knows who i am, i'm sure of it. the way he looks at me in recognition, that ability to acknowledge someone but wait- you _don't_ actually know eachother. 'How is this possible?' you may ask-- i'm ashamed to say it but... facebook. he knows me from facebook. we have 8 friends in common and i'm pretty sure we know eachother's names. or maybe i just know his because he also ran for feds.

anyways... i always see him on campus. i ran into him at the movies the other day. i was standing behind him in line for yogen fruz. he looked at me as if to say something and then looked away. and then it was just awkward. and thennnn yesterday i was at dc and he was at the computer behind me and he kind of gave me this weird look.

so i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm following him. and i'm not. so i'm not sure whether to find this hilarious or be embaressed. :P

did i mention i'm done? :P

finished finals on tuesday and since then have been joyfully bumming around.
i went to Oasis the other day with kat and that was pretty cool so i think i'm going to volunteer there over the summer. just have to go in for the training sessions.
also, the other day, anna and i went to waterloo park and played guitar under the sun and blue sky ... it was really nice even though i suck at guitar to be able to spend a bit of time with anna and just relax in the beautiful spring weather. and marilyn came up to visit that night! and emz maril kat and i went to morty's .. mmm wings my happiest nighttime food. <3

and then on friday mel and lue got baptised! congrats! and we had lunch at thai viet and even though i dont' like the food, it was nice to be able to chill with kat alice steph and mel and the rest of ccf who was at kwcac for good friday.

tonight amanda kat and i went to see v for vendetta and it was awesome. dora was right about alot of good quotes. but i'm also a little disturbed. everytime i watch movies like that it makes me question the truth in what we percieve the world to be. and uncertainty like that makes me feel so unsafe.

anwyays-- it's EASTER. a time to remember. becca emailed out this quote that i really love. it kind of explains one of the reasons why i'm such a camera whore. :P

"Memory implies a certain act of redemption. What is remembered has been saved from nothingness. What is forgotten has been abandoned. If all events are seen, instantaneously, outside time, by a supernatural eye, the distinction between remembering and forgetting is transformed into an act of judgment, into the rendering of justice, whereby recognition is close to being remembered, and condemnation is close to being forgotten. Such a presentiment, extracted from man's long, painful experience of time, is to be found in varying forms in almost every culture and religion, and, very clearly, in Christianity." (John Berger, "Uses of Photography", p58)

anyhow, it may not be through photograph, but through the distinction of a DAY, that causes the world to remember the death and resurrection of Christ--- really, it is remembering the biggest, craziest, most unique love of all time and how it SAVED the world. Not that this shoud not be remembered daily, or without a holiday, i'm just saying that easter pushes this to where it shoudl be-- the focus.

and in remembering today, i hope i can also remember how to be grateful.

sorry for my rambling... sleepy time. gnite*

two thirds

took a BREAK today after my pacs final and went out for dinner with everyone for carson's bday (happy20th!carsnooo!) @ mcginnis =) ... good timess... a nice break from studying definitely! pics: mouse over to see description




on the other hand
i don't know what's wrong with me.. it hink i'm just mentally and physically exhausted? i jsut feel so down. every single little thing is getting to me. thank goodness for starbucks* and mae. but i'm just sitting around brooding. at least i can afford to do so tonight! and then tomorrow-- back to the books *sigh*

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! on EVERYONE AND EVERYTHINGGGGGG!

"well I have handed all my efforts in, I searched here for my second wind, 'Is there someone here to let me in?' I asked. So I slammed the doors they slammed at me..."

one third

the man of the moment is E.P. Taylor.
becuase i was able to identify him and describe his historical significance.

after the final laura and i just sat there FREAKING out about how we only RECOGNIZED 4 out of the 10 terms of which we need to i&s 6 of them. and then kat came out and we went to eat mikey's. honestly sesame chicken makes everything better. who the heck is william price anyways? IS he the airplane man? we shall never know.

you know what though? it's times like those - even in the midst of finals- that make me not want this term to end. i'm gonna miss our randomness.

dp9th day 2
characters: me kat jess carson and pat(at dinner) (oh! and laur through the window lol)
dp is:
- the mystery game lol
- fooooooooodies
- "loud whisper" giggling
- kinkysex? HAHA but mamalaura says "keep it out of the family" ... so we know where kat's going with THAT. ; )
- 2hr dinners everydayyyyy
- girltalk*

dp?
well i'm at DP with kat jess emz and anj and i think i may have chosen my finals study location for this term-- ninth floor? well, i might switch floors but who knows... i like this better than TC and it's not as crowded as slc...

the weather is just ridiculous.
yesterday: sunny! then 5 min later pouring rain... then five minutes later sunny ... and another spell of rain another 5 min later
today: cloudy... 5 min later light snow... 5 min later cloudy... 5 min later BLIZZARD... cloudy... blizzard... cloudy.... blizzard... SUNNY????

8 days ... 8 days.

april-- one year later. (gawd i miss "you")

here's my "things that are spring" list:

1. funinthesun with 210/214-- 040405 when janna laura kat and i ran outside and took about a mazillion pictures dancing around, making shadows, sitting on picnic tables making fishfaces, and of our reflections in the door... it was sunny.
2. taking randomshmandom walks outside
3. fliss beeee 032905-- me jo maril dev quyen aneta playing frisbee in the south quad and tossing it over the creek trying to see if it would go all the way acrosss lol
4. "i'm just a dreamer i dream my life away"(its a secret.)
5. strawberry daquiris 040605-- some bad stuff happened and the day after me and bee went to eastsides and split a strawberry daquiri and things were happy.
6. "studying" 041005 -- spring means finals but last year me jo and kat studied outside slc on a round concrete thingy that a tree grows out of and pretty much got nothing done that day =)
7. you are the reflection in my sunglasses*041105 -- to make studying outside better, alison and i went to aussies and got sunglasses*. hers were normal but mine were ridICULously large and buglike and i paid sixbucks for them because, you know, fun is priceless. =)

Let's rearrange / I wish you were a stranger I could disengage / Say that we agree and then never change / Soften a bit until we all just get along / But that's disregard / Find another friend and you discard / As you lose the argument in a cable car / Hanging above as the canyon comes between

listen to the song! (i love the fray)

-- and speaking of the above song.. i think it's important to spend time doing things with people who make you happy. the past few weeks, i've been extremely busy with school stuff and at the same time just using way too much energy being upset about this person and that person not giving me the time of day or changing or whatever. and then i realized that i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't handle the stress of school AND making all this effort trying to figure out what's wrong with this person and that person or wishing things were how they were. and i realized that i shoudn't have to.
so i started just trying to be around people who make me HAPPY. and DO things that make me happy. like eating breakfast with kat and laur, or having bbt/williams with emz/dev/kat, phone talking for hoursandhours in the middle of the night, or going to molly's with jess laura and clara.... stuff like that. being around people that dont' make me worry 24/7 what i did wrong or what i should do next. to just enjoy things.

not saying things don't affect me still. ("wish.. i could disengage") but i just feel so much.. lighter i guess. :)

oh and jess said the funniest thing today while we were walking through waterloo park! she goes "animals in the dark are really creeepy!!!" i have no idea how they are but now i feel like they are... and we kept peeking over our shoulders while we were walking and running across the bridge lol so amussseddd...

hello world!

LOOK! -- miss dora chang aka my best frienddd is a STARRRRrrrr-- well, she's written an article for the TORONTO Star!!!

-read the article here-

my baby is a JOURNALIST. awwww heart tear sigh

lol sorry but this is a proud moment.

geez.

(S.F.Y.!!)

computer whore

maybe it's just because i don't own a laptop, but i am EXTREMELY put off by people who have a laptop and yet, insist on using the school computers at the same time.

for example-- i am currently at DP, sitting next to a guy who is reading some notes off uwace on the library computer. conveniently beside him, is a very sharp-looking laptop, all silvery, small and thin but not TOO small... just sitting there with the screen saver going.

oh wait. it stopped.

now it's jsut his desktop.

i dont' GET it. like... if i had a bloody laptop i woudln't be sitting here in freaking DP trying to do work. why is it that i had to stand aroudn waiting for a computer for like ten minutes and you already HAVE a computer to take with you wherever you like but you have to take up that extra seat?

*muttermutter* ... i can't wait til i get a job in the summer so i can finally buy myself a freakin laptop.

... friends come and go.

but worse than having someone leave?

not really being sure whether their gone or not or why they're going.

the past week i was feeling really ... TIRED. tired of being taken for granted or treated like crap for no reason. tired of thinking about all the things i needed to do. tred of being brushed aside. tired of failure. tireddddd.

but then last night after grad dinner, things slowed down a little. gladys was up for grad dinner so we actually got to hang out and catch up for the first time in a long time. we went to sobeys and bought tv dinners and just bummed around like old times. and this morning gladys kat and i had brunch at Angie's =) and then i met up with Jiffy and we did our hmv thing hehe and we went to golden mango and second cup (mm caramel carretto) and tonight jo and i finally got some time to talk (even if it was jsut in the car for like 10 min.) before watching Walk the Line. and carson kat jo and i had some good jokes by the end of the slightly irritating night haha =) so all in all it was a pretty good weekend. grad dinner was fun too =) a bit stressful, but fun.

anyways, in the car on the way to angie's, i searched gladys's cd's for Caedmon's Call : In the Company of Angels.. this cd that we used to always listen to in the car wheni was in gr 11/12 ... and i found it. and found this song that helped me through a tough time in the 12th grade. and it's jsut really comforting to listen to so i just wanted to share it. It's called Oh Lord Your Love.

Oh Lord I give You all I have
But it seems so little
When You have given me so much
I come to You with empty hands
And a heart that's fragile
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord Your love
Is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
It gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that I am weary
Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light

And now I sing You songs of praise
But Your greatness is beyond me
I know I cannot comprehend
How You ancient of days
Stoop Yourself to call me
To be Your son, to be Your friend

is it ok to build walls simply to reciprocate other people's walls?

and i dont' ALWAYS want to be with people. as much as people like to think i do.
the key is being around the people who make you HAPPY.
but some days, sitting in my room alone, watching grey's anatomy and eating kd is perfectly satisfying as well.

i'm really enjoying our girls book study group thinggyyy =) we have really interesting discussion-- it's cool to hear different perspectives on th ings and see how God is working in eachother's lives and how we communicate with Him and see people who are SO smart and who can take all these things thye learn in school and apply them practically. it's so encouraging. and alsoerrrm.. bothersome in a good sense becuase it makes me evaluate myself and discover things that i need to give to God... and it's jsut cool to hang out and also get to know ppl betterr..
and i like listening to jenn read =)

why'm i such a black sheep?

"there are no solutions. no easy answers.
you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

most of the time pain can be managed--
but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it.

it's way below the belt and doesn't let up.

pain.

you just have to play it through,
becuase the truth is:

you can't outrun it...

and life always makes more."

(says meredith from grey's anatomy aka the best show ever)

wasted tears
everything i do is wrong. i'm even wrong about being wrong.
wasted tears, wasted night.

but i had fun with kat tonight afterrrr ccf =) we went to drop off emz at the bus station.
and then we went to see laur and sat around venting together for a while (people are dumbbb)
and then we went to sobeys and bought random stuff like tv dinners and hotstuffs and dow fu faaa and twix. and then we went back to my place and watched golden girlssss while we ate!

o/~ "thankyou for being a friend, travelled down the road and back again, you heart is true you're a pal and a confidente... and if you threw a party, invited eveyrone you knew-- you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thankyou for being a friend" !

what if you woke up one day and discovered you were two people at once?
or, rather, that the different parts that make up "you" could be split into two personalities?
i don't mean a DISORDER. just... like emotionally you're able to somewhatly seperate these things. i.e. your intillectual side and your artsyphartsy side (although this is not what i am referring to)

things i've realized:
1. they will always always be connected. no matter how seperate they seem to be.
2. we were all given ONE life for a reason
3. once' you've seperated it, it's very hard to put it back together.

and 4. in EITHER personality, i am STILL a drama queen.

He answers.
i posted BEFORE rehearsal (see below)... i was just like OH MY GOODNESS. so i just sat down before rehearsal tonite and prayed like insanely.

and then, at rehearsal, things just kind of fell into place. i got amy to sing with me so now i'm on beat and it sounds OKAY . i mean it's still a country song haha and it's not PERFECT but it's ok. and jon explained how it relates to the character in the script. and just... maybe it's like, for me, the "medium IS the message" kinda.
the song itself.... not what it says. but the fact that i DID have to take a lot of effort and time into finidng out what the heck it means... for me, that means pursuing God and meaning in every way i can but in the end, it's GOD who finds ME. and not the other way around.

i dunno if that makes any sense but that's how it's starting (finally) to speak to me.

lifesong -- friday march3 -- RCH101-- 7pm

no matter WHAT i do, it will always be wrong.

if i DON'T do it-- i'm not committed. a quitter.
if i DO -- i'm a hypocrite.
and now... i'm making it into a JOKE?

honestly all i can do is pray like hell .

BEFORE you try and use that "why do you care what everyone else thinks you shoudl jsut care what God thinks" line-- i DO care what God thinks. the problem is, that what eveyrone says is VALID.
yes. it IS bad of me to quit the DAY BEFORE (not that i didnt' try earlier).. it's irresponsible. *i* think.
but yes. it's also bad of me to get up and share something i dont' mean or understand.
and if people COULD interpret me as making something into a joke then maybe that isnt' such a good idea even if it isn't one.

so you see, everyone is right. so all i can do is pray and pray and pray.

please pray for me.

march
i dont' have TIME to talk about march.

overwhelmed
about a million things falling on top of me all at once and i'm glued to the ground.
step by step by step..

scary
why do people do such horrible things... to such good people?

song
t.y. mr. chris tsoi for the SONG :D (joey mcintyre : stay the same)
i love it. it cheered me up =) so i decided to make it my march song..
"don't you ever wish you were someone else. you were meant to be the way you are exactly. don't you ever say you don't like the way you are. when you learn to love yourself, your'e better off by far. and i hope you always stay the same, cuz there's nothign about you i would change."

learning from lifesong

i like to sing. music, it's like a PART of me. as cheesy and cliche that is it just flows out sometimes i dont' think about it and whatever comes out (even if it is incredibly horrible to listen to) is like part of my soul.
i don't like to perform in front of large groups of people. it kind of scares me so much that i shake. what's hardest is performing something that i dont' MEAN. something that i dont' relate to or feel at all. because at least when i'm singing something i mean, it 1. has a purpose for me and 2. allows me to escape into this "niche" where it's jsut stuff coming out of me and not really me controlling or thinking constantly about the timing or the dynamics or whatever .. it just HAPPENS.

i wanted to sing for lifesong because for the past few terms this event has allowed me to share my faith and express myself in one of the ways i know best. but this term, it's been quite a different experience for me. i dind't choose my own song. apparently a bunch of ppl complained about this, but i wanted to have a serving attitude. i wanted to be cooperative and not difficult. "oh i'll do whatever" i said. so two days before our first rehearsal and 6 days before DRESS rehearsal, i'm given a song. a song that i can NOT sing. it's country-- which is a genre i'm not familiar with so i can't keep time. FURTHERMORE, it's a song that i don't understand and dont' relate to at all. i tried to opt out of it but to no avail. we practiced for two hours and couldnt' get it down. i tried to get someone else to sing it. i tried to trade songs with someone. in the end, short of just walking out on the whole thing, i'm stuck with it.
lifesong. i'm thinking if i sing and it has nothign to do with me, it's no longer a LIFE song... it's jsut a song.

but i've been whining about thsi all week so i wanted to stop for a second and take a step back. here's what i realized.:
what God does is beyond ME. it is beyond my capabilities. it's beyond my understanding. it's beyond my judgements of how effective this song is in conveying any message. it's beyond my resentment of what i consider to be a lack of judgement in the song choice. yes, i can sit and complain about how i shoudlnt'be forced to sing a song that doensn't express my relationship with God... i can complain that i dont' want to invite my friends becuase i can't use this song to share with them. but after all that-- really, God knows what he's doing. and if he wants to use this song then who am i to stop him? who am i not to give him my all becuase i dont' liek the song or dwell so deeply on how MY incompetance will screw it up?
i am so small. why do i think i can push the train of the tracks?

maybe this is a lesson in faith... and in humilty?

(*grins* , and on ANOTHER note haha, i'm getting a cowboy hat this week. and maybe some boots? in kristina's words "if you can't sound good, or feel the song, at least you can LOOK good." muahaha)

reading week is the biggest load of bull ever.

weekend getaway*


1. haaaaaaaaaappy 20th jannamae! =)
2. janna&otto's 20/20 was funnnn =) ... dinner hotel limo club(Inside) *swwoooon* limo was my favourite haha i am such a dork.
3. best luck --- kat forgetting her ID and then janna saving the day by remembering that otto had her g1 :P
4. worst luck --- me not walking fast enough behind kris and her grabbing onto "my" hand only to discover that it was a random guy :|, OHHH wait-- falling down the stairs TWICE was pretty rotten luck too haha =P *bruised*
5. creeps -- the really fat random that kept coming over eww lol i love laur's "fat random guy" immitation
6. finding my inner philipino haha... "hello i am from manila by the mega mall"
7. sleeping like a hobo on the ground at indigo hahahha
8. dinner with my rooomiee @ sp-riingggg roollsss! (of course)

and of course there are pictures.

"i haven't felt like this in so many moons, you know what i mean?"

reactive. spontaneous. wreckless.

i'm not sure how healthy this is. but i'm glad to be getting away this wknd even if it's just to mississauga for barely two days. i need a change of environment.
i need to prove things to myself. thats' the only way i feel like i can cure this. this... tenseness. i don't know how to put it.

i need to learn how to trust noone but myself.

it's like the old me but new again. jumping in.

happy rubitinmyface day
in FACT, the day turned out to be happy "rose-getting/lesbian-dinnering" day! =)

1. rose-getting
miss joanna wu (thanks babe) went to the trouble of getting a bunch of us girls RED ROSES =) sweet. HAAHA the best part was that she had JT deliver them... lol we were so confused at first butthen it all made sense. we commented that it woudl have been funny if he'd delivered Auntie Sandy's (kat's mom's) rose though and she thought it was from him! lol or, as JT mentionned, if certain people's boyfriends had seen him giving their girlfriend the rose and gotten the wrong idea hahhaha poor JT


2. lesbian-dinnering
kat and i decided to go to go for viet dinner at ben tahn(sp?) tonight and we were like oh let's ask alison and emzhei to come but we called emz and she had a chem lab and alison wasnt' calling us back so on the way to the car kat's like "omg... what if people think we're lesbians?!?!?" i'm like "WHYYY would they think that and even if they did, who CARES!" and so eventually alison called us back and we went to pick her up and i told her the story in the car haha at that point, kat slid on some ice and we jolted forward a bit and i was like "OMG!!! we're gonna DIE before we get to our..." and alison cuts in and is like "our LESBIAN DINNER??" bahhahahahaha


THEN...we were driving to class and the radio guy goes "happy valentines day to those who have someone. and to all those who don't..... sorry."

also, my mom got me a white chocolate heart on a stick so that was sweet hehe =)

yessssssss --- this is what i did on valentines day. and it was much fun =) who needs poopie gross boys anyways?

UWSynchro Gets a New Member

kat and i went to go watch miss laura swim tonight at laurier and it was freakin cool!! =) well i've never watched synchro before so it was something new and crazy how together everything is and stuff ... and there was a "hot" guy sitting beside us that we discovered was only hot from the side *AHEM*

anyhow, at the end of the show, the coach was like "if anyone wants to join just go to the website blabalbla" and kat lights up, nudges me and is like "LET'S JOIN!!!!"
bahhahahaha--- kat doesn't even know how to swim.

i love it.

"deal with it"

as eric would say. or as alison would say "SUCK IT UP!!!" haha
it seems it's time again for me to do these things.
just seems like between family, school, and friends(some)... it's nonstop tension anger and conflict. i'm not going to complain about it. but gawd i wanna run. (is it *always* wrong to take the easy way out?)

strength
i've been thinking about strength recently. and i think there are many types. i think i can be "strong", and in some ways, i am. i think that jsut becuase you don't show your emotions or allow yourself to be vulnerable to others or show how things affect you, that doesn't mean you're stronger than i am. i think that i'm glad that i am generally aware of my weaknesses and i'm not afraid to show them to others -- beucase, in weakness, God is stronger. not ALL weakness is "bad" or in our control. but i do have many that are those things.

my problem? ... is actually DEALING with those "bad" weaknesses and consistently and persistently making an effort to change things in myself that hurt God or hurt others or hurt myself.

beeday
alison and i went down to toronto yesterday to celebrate miss bee's birthday =)
i like downtown alot. in the summer i would sometimes tell people i was leaving a lot earlier than i actually was and grab street meat and chill by myself with the pigeons and or a good book at indigo. =)
downtown is fun with PEOPLE too =) hehe ... it was fun just hanging out with bee alison and andrew =) .. it "works". i like when ppl fit together. we laugh. and i like bee. :)
goodtimes =)

God make me steadfast?

i don't doubt you

it's so nice to be able to say that and MEAN it entirely. even if in context it's about something of very little importance.
wow... me? trust? .. maybe.

p is for prom

hahha after ccf tonite at bubbletease alison jt jane amy johnny and kevin were talking about random things that led to the topic of PROM. hahhaa our conversation over bbt was quite entertaining in general but it was really fun to hear everyone's prom stories. i'll admit it. i'm a sucker for talking about prom... i guess becuase at mine, a silly girly dream was fulfilled and as well, it was some of the best times with my best friends.
and it's also funny, because pretty much *everyone* did the prom "drama" to a certain degree. so everyone's story is pretty good. haha

I'm BACKKKKKKKK!!!!
got a new camera. no more using a crappy slow easily dying camera!!! :D
i can take pictures of everything again!!! =)
hello new favourite thing.

why i'm not in science



hahaha visit www.nataliedee.com

i think i'm going to start my own drawing/comic page.

irony

this morning i did my informative speech for spcomm. i was actually supposed to go LAST class but i was last and we ran out of time.

my speech was about memory.

when i got into the room i realized, i forgot to bring my tape. irony number 1.
i was all panicking and frazzled which threw me off a bit. but eventually i figured out i could use someone else's tape and i was a little more calm.

so the girl who spoke before me was SOOOOO nervous. she kept pausing and forgetting things and just watching her made me super nervous as well i was almost shaking. my hands got all clammy and cold.

two wks ago, i'd forgotten to turn off my cell before class and i got a txt msg from alison during someone's speech and my phone vibrated loudly on the table. well, i'd decided to use this to start off my speech. as the "attention getter". i let my phone ring and snapped it shut saying "two weeks ago, when gerald was in the middle of his speech about stocks, i realized i'd forgotten to turn of my cellphone... i'm losing my memory!! i though to myself." and continuing on i used the example of remmebering to turn off your cellphone before class continuously through my speech to tie different points together. i even ended off the speech by thanking everyone for turning off their phones.

so the class went overtime. and five minutes after class was supposed to end ppl were still giving me feed back about my speech. someone made a comment "your attention getter was really great but i just wanted to point out that gerald dindt' speak about stocks. JEREMY did." oops. ... irony number2.

and irony number3? well it just so happened that alison called me (not knowing obviously that class had gone overtime) ... and once again, i'd forgotten to turn my phone off.

ohhh speech day blues....

when deciding which church to attend...

does your own spiritual growth come first? or does the well being of others come first?

new song
me and bee's valentine's song =)
hahha next wk shall be interestING! to say the least...

"this wait for destiny won't do..." *sigh*

flush-the-self-esteem-down-the-toilet week

someone said something not-so-nice to me on monday. not mean spiritedly. they may have even thought of it as an encouragement if i think about it hard enough and suppress my hurt well enough, but man it was like a kick in the gut. and the comment included in part something about myself and a close friend and that was like... ripping my heart out or something.

so maybe it's jsut that. maybe it;'s that eating away at me. and not having been consoled enough or something i just am believing more and more (even in anger) that it's true.
am i that unworthy? maybe.

maybe that's why i was so upset when dinner plans i thought were made were somewhatly cancelled by someone who i thought cared alot.

then tonight, at lunarfest --- OH MY GOSH--- hahahhaa... while alison and i were standing at the bar trying to get through and whatever, we spotted walter, eric man's dm from last year. On the last night eric was here we all went to kickoff and walter bought us all drinks and whatever. so alison's like "oh! maybe he'll recognize us and he'll buy us drinks!" ... SOOOO he pretty much just pushes past me not recognizing me at all and stands at the bar. what a let down. but THEN he turns to ALISON and is like "hey! your'e eric's friend right?! balbalabala" and starts reminiscing to her about last year and offering to buy her a drink which is actually for me.
SO . COMPLETELY . SHAFTED. but it's ok. i should come to expect these things if i'm gonna hang out with all the beautiful talented and smart ppl... i guess it just added a bit though to my feelings of worthlessness. even though who even cares about walter he was kind of weird last year anyways... but maybe it was jsut all that stuff it's just piling and every little thing just makes me see more and more how... ugh i am.

sorry for the depressingness. i just really needed to get that out.

REGARDLESS, lunarfest was still pretty fun =) ... andrew and haruka did an awesome awesome job!!!! and fj!!!! and there was a really sexybuffkarate guy =) chilled mainly with my giiiiirls who i went with -- that is, alice, alison, kat, and stephermie which was awesome becuase girls are so much BETTER than guys. ahha no offense guys. and ran into some highschool friends i.e. bryan and dave ... and ran into kristina and nicole tooo! =)

the best part of the night? a good friend waiting at the bar wth me for liek 20 min even though she dindt' even want a drink.. it kind of resolved things a bit for me. (i guess no matter what comment that person made on monday, our friendship is what it is. and who knows what it is? me and you. not that person. and it doesnt' matter whether or not freakin walter remembers who i am or not in the end becuase BETTER people such as you tell me that i'm worth your time and care wihtout even saying a word.)

and dj baby yu was pretty good regardless of why his name is baby yu hahaha

what goes through my head while preparing my speech for speech comm

oh my gosh my speech is tomorrow and i don't know anything
it's 12:00 already.
<...typing on msn>
today i had a big mac instead of a filet o fish! i think the sauce is made out of thousand islands dressing and tartar sauce. or relish. no, tartar sauce.
<... more typing on msn>
*look at mini martini shakers* pink silver blue red
i really wanna use my martini shakers... theyr'e jsut sitting there all shiny and pretty... and lonely.
<... more typing on msn>
dude. why is this guy online if he's not even gonna respond to his msgs. oh crap i gotta work on this thing.
<... type type type read msgs>
what DO we need to talk about for grad dinner... OH!
i can't BELIEVE i have so many freakin meetings!
i have to pick up my book from the bookstore tomorrow.
i haven't seen dev in like two weeks!
what should i wear to lunarfest?
i wanna buy something new to wear. yeah. something new.
i have no nice pants.

i REALLY have to get back to work now.

ugh.

apology

sometimes when i talk about things-- like, how i had a bad day for example-- i make myself out to be the victim. i think i protagonize myself in the stories i tell; the heroine who tries her hardest but just can't overcome those ill-fated odds.
and sometimes i might even antagonize the people i love the most. even though, in my mind, they're not the antagonist at all, i am.
i think extreme disappointment in myself often is defensively set up in my stories and rants to appear like extreme disappointment in the world and people around me.

really that's not the case.

not that i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong. and generally i even STATE blatantly that i dont' mean to antagonize ppl adn that it's actually my fault but i guess my extreme errrr emotional output covers over those efforts. because people hear the way you say things more than the actual words that you say.

i guess this is some sort of lame apology... i shall try and connect my brain to my tongue more.

(p.s. social psych is the BEST course everrrrrrrrrrr! everything is so applicable and sensical haha)

UNlearning helplessness

in socpsych we read about something called "learned helplessness"... after a person feels incompetant enough for a while or "helpless" for a while, they just kind of stop trying.
it's like they BECOME helpless becuase they're just so used to feeling that way.

here's to hoping there's a way out.
a remedy.

post winter retreat reflection

retreat was a great time of fellowship... seemed like people really connected. the games were actually fun haha there was a lot of small group time and the groups were really well made so it was a joy to be able to share and chill with these ppl more.. worship went pretty well (which i was originally really worried about bc there were some "issues")... the speaker was a cool guy who was in my smallgrp and was a pretty good speaker(lots of stories :P)...i actually LIKED my room this year =) the "early room" ppl who made me laugh even early in the mroning and latelate at night.. and saw coop faces such as CHRISTIE! :D ahem.

but ANYWAYS. winter retreat has kind of brought me to a conclusion of a few weeks journey of trying to figure some stuff out... ok not a conclusion, more liek a "game plan". i was feeling so estranged from God before ... and a 2 sundays ago at cfc the msg was about prayer and how you should pray with a clean heart because if you "cherish" sin in your heart God might not hear you. (psalm66:18). so i kind of errr realized that there were a lot of things in my life i wasnt' letting go of... and maybe that was why i was feeling so far from God.

then i had this conversation with mike about faith. how sometimes we need to take risks and jump in a DO something TRUSTING that God will work in us despite us and not to always have to be comfortable and have everything laid out exactly right for us beucase how is that trust at all then? if you don't have any risk then are you really trusting in God's ability? or jsut your own?

so i got to retreat thinking ok. i wanan DO smoething. i wanna take a chance and see what God wants to show me and how he wants to grow me and etc. ... but i was stuck. because i didn't know where to start. you can't just JUMP into oblivion. i wanted a little bit of direction as to how to know WHERE God wants me to trust him in, where he wants me to take action and stuff... i was so confused. so a bunch of ppl said things that i dont' wanna type out and then during one of the msgs the pastor was talking about this verse (romans 12 something)

Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's
mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy
and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of
worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of
this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So here's my "game plan". To "offer" every part of me to God wholeheartedly and fully. i'm gonna schedule out my time so that i can be more effective. cuz i'm really lazy and usually i end up wasting away hour after hour... i'm going to do my best in school... i'm gonna work out ... and i'm going to try and give of myself as much as i can to others incl family and friends and .. i guess even ppl i dont' like. and i'm going to try to love people more. but that's a whole other story that i dont' wanna get into right now ..anyways, when i get my LIFE in check... in FOCUS... maybe THEN i'll be able to see where God wants me to be.

sorry for boring you all for so long and still being so vague but this stuff is so hard to TYPE out. it's hard for me to talk about too. becuase somehow it jsut doesnt' sound as good in words as it does in my head or hopefully in action. so here goes.

i should stop letting other people treat me like they're better than me. and i should stop believing it.

today is good.

i'm making alone look pretty. =)

had a bad day

but lately, i've just been seeing how small my life is. and even though i can sit here and cry in my room right now... a part of me knows just HOW dumb i am becuase beucase i have so much more than i should even hope for.

i just don't take disappointments that well, ya know?

good things good things:
- miss jane huang is awesome.
- parts of retreat worship practice were really really funny -- swaying and the miner song haha

(to "someone i used to love": i don't even LIKE you anymore.)

will someone make the annoying girl in my socwk220 class shut uP?

kat and i are taking a socwk220 night class on tuesdays. for the MOST part, this class is really enjoyable. the prof Jon Boyd is interesting, nice, and says useful things in his lectures. i would really really love that class if not for "the annoying girl"!!!!!!

i have no idea what her name is. she was in my socwk120 class last term. i'd always come in late in the morning and there would only be ONE seat left-- front row CENTER. she sits front row, seat next to center. and therefore, i'd always end up sitting beside her.

This girl seems to think that the prof is having a private conversation with HER. as the prof speaks she will engage in conversation with him by making random comments about the professor's anecdotes such as "oh that's so nice!" and expressing agreement by saying "mmmHMMM mHMMMM yeah yeah" whenever she has an opinion about what he says (which is always). This little habit is slightly (extremely) distracting. She also enjoys asking QUESTIONS. while class participation is a positive thing and she has a right to ask questions, she talks SOOOOO MUCH. and asks questions SOOOOO often. sometimes after the prof answers her questions she will RE-ASK the question a few minutes later complaining that she still doens't get it. mind you, it's not that she doens't understand CONCEPTS, it's that she can't comprehend why the professor would make the ethical decision he made in a counselling situation (even though he explains that it is becuase of his own moral/personal reasons/decisions). she takes up many minutes debating with the professor on unbeneficial and unresolvable issues and contributes her own (probably INCORRECT) facts. today she corrected the prof on the rate of poverty in canada.

i usually draw pictures when i am annoyed. so today after grabbing kat's arm and hyperventalating a few dozen times i drew a cartoon of her. today, during the first half of class i swear she spoke at least once a minute. so after i finished the cartoon i realized we still had the second half of class.
ahem. so i decided to time how often she speaks hahaha here are the results (each asterix represents her speaking and the numbers are the time in minutes between each speaking moment not including the time she actually takes up speaking):

* 1min17s * 1min49s * 2min11s * 0min2s * 0min54s * 0min28s * 2min7s * 2min44s * 1min12s * 1min31s * 4min39s(here's where you get an irrational hope that she may have run out of things to say or worn out her vocal chords) * 0min31s *

and this was GOOD for her! first half of class was much MUCH worse.
thankyou for allowing me to relieve my built-up tension. until NEXT tuesday....

somewhere in between

it's like i've been stuck in a rut for so long that it didnt' seem like a rut anymore. it just seemed like normal life. not to jinx it or anything but i feel like the darkness is fading out, almost unnoticeably.

what puts my days together? (for the past few weeks at least) classes with kat-- giggling and writing notes, mon&wed with alison unable to find alone time but excited to see who's next to join us for random laughs, tues&thurs with laur after history walking aloooot and realizing we both talk like NONstop, moooovies (well, we try) with kat, mo, and carsno, midnight bbt runs/morning kd with devinka, shleeeepover with jess oh and voodoo with alison jess and bobby, "dinner"/chillage with andrew, chapters with him and miss bee, randomness with alison, betty, fanny, and anna, MEALS are good for catching up, going home and SLEEPING.

i haven't been brooding about rez much. tonight when i was telling laura's roomie about why i missed rez or whatever i dindt' feel that... fervor or whatever... i dunno how to explain. of course i'm still SAD, but it's a sadness that recognizes it was in the past. and i fail to find that broken part of me anymore.. i dunno, maybe its a temporary recess, or maybe i'm all cried out. whatever it is, i feel... happy. in a not-comparing way. i'm really appreciating things right now.

and i;'m excited. i'm excited (but scared) to explore what God wants to do in me. i DO want to stretch my faith a bit... take a dive... see what happens.. i dunno. i may be stuck in loo not having adventures, and i may not be in my safest happiest place that no longer exists, but today is NEW. and it seems i got up on the right side of bed.

2b is getting to me

in a good way, that is. =) somehow, this term is turning out much better than i thought it would. i'm just ... happier than i was last term. i like my courses better. and i'm spending more REAL time with people which i'm thankful for. and i guess events lately have shown me how blessed i really am. its so easy to take eveyrthign for granted. and then somethings just show you how small your life really is. at least SO FAR, i'm still having a good time. and i'm gonna milk this feeling as long as it lasts.

something you thought was on the other side of the world two seconds ago can suddenly feel so next to home. and you wonder how you ever didn't understand.

annoyed

i've been in toronto for the past four days just hanging out and seeing people. (since 95 percent of my friends live in the gta ..) For the most part its been a blast as usual...

however. i came on here to rant because i'm just really mad and i donm't know how to express it. i have difficulty actually TELLING the person that i'm upset because.. why bother if they dont' even seem to care how their actions affect me in the first place. i made plans to meet up with someone yesterday (thursday) at 10 a.m. Mind you, they picked the time. if you know me, you know i'm not a morning person.,.. i was also up late but i was up and ready in time. at 11 a.m. the person still hadn't called. so i was alittle worried so i call and they dont' answer the phone. so i'm like ok fine. so i just go out. and then at around 3:30 in the afternoon i get a call from them saying they slept in. so okay i'm like yeah its totally fine no worries. cuz i guess things happen and although i was a little bit annoyed, i've done stupid things in the past too. so THEN the person is like let's meet up tomorrow (today) instead. i'm like are you suuuure cuz if you're busy or you can't its totally fine. but the person insisted it would be fine and said we shoudl meet at the same time.
so just guess what happened. it is now 12pm and the person has not yet called.
at first i was like maybe i'm being unreasonable but the more i think about it NO. i have a right to be angry. chris tsoi gets mad when ppl are five minutes late haha becuase it just shows that the person has NO respect for me or my time. ALL my friends pretty much live in toronto i could spend my time being with OTHER ppl who actually care. or i could sleep IN!! ... but no.

i just don't think its fair that someone should be able to waste my time TWO DAYS in a row. ... i'm not some little kid anymore willing to wait for hours and hours just to spend two minutes with you. ... ARGH

yow mo gow choh ah!??!!?!

christmas boos

the holidays so far have been pretty good ... i enjoy being with my family around the holiday season. we amuse eachother and sometimes we have really great conversations. today i spent the entire day with my mother shopping and it was fun =) we had second cup(wheee)and we talked alot especially since my mom refuses to drive on the highway so the drive to and from fairview was pretty long and we had a pretty in depth and interesting conversation. and we had a few laughs too =)

but you know what i am HATING about this christmas?

for ONE thing. it's on SUNDAY. usually, our family "tradition" type thing is we get up around 10 something and my mom makes us this huge brunch with bacon and sausage and eggs and the works, and then we take turns opening presents and we take pics. it's all very picturesque actually. but THIS year, church is at 10/11 which means, in order to do that, we're gonna have to get up at like 7 am. everyone knows i am NOT a happy camper at 7 in the morning. NOR am i photogenic.

and number TWO, apparently, i am just not really a part of my family anymore.
ther'es this whole carolling thing a couple families from my church are doing. pretty much, asked my parents and my sister to be in it. my sister has a *special* part. i didn't even KNOW about it until like 1/2hr ago (which btw, its currently 2:00am on december 24th but i just dindt' want to make this my christmas eve post). people just dont' even remember that i'm part of my family anymore. RUDE!!!!
and my family dindt' really bother to tell me about this. they also failed to mention that on christmas we are going over to some family friend's house for dinner.
i guess i can see how my parents might just assume that i dont' want to come or want to know since yeah, i dont' go to alot of these functions anymore

but it's CHRISTMAS for goshsakes. and it hurts.

who's done?...whO'S WATCHING NARNIAAA TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

(...me =))

mormon's worst nightmare

doug's farewell dinner at the keg was supposed to be at 6pm. however there was a THREE hour wait, and in the end the dinner got moved to NINE pm instead. kat jo alison carson and i decided to go back to kat's house for the three hour wait.

we were just chilling and eating in kat's dining room/kitchen when alison and i both heard a rattling at the door. "errr i think there's someone at the door" i said. kat approached the door and indicated quite loudly that ther were two men standing outside. "should i open the dooor??!" we all rushed towards the door frantically peering out the side windows at the already baffled looking men. "don't open the door!!!!" "who IS it ??? is it herman???? no... they're white" "carson open the door!" "JUST OPEN THE DOOR!!!!" kat finally opens the door. "HI!" says one of the two smiling guys (in their mid20's or so) "my friend and i are missionaries from our church and..."

anndddddd the dog runs out the door. (fyi kat's family is looking after a friend's little white dog frosty during the holidays)

"OH NOOO!!!!!!!" screams Kat. "I FORGOT I HAD A DOG!!!!" omgomgomgomg everyone's frantic. kat looks at one of the guys as frosty runs past him. "CAN YOU GET HIM FOR ME!!???" The two guys just stand there frozen not knowing what to do. we are all screaming at the dog and at eachother. kat runs around the house trying to find treats and the leash. carson runs out of the house after the dog that he can't see because of his small small eyes "IT"S CAMOUFLAUGeD!!" says carson. joanna runs out on to the snow covered driveway BAREFOOT. (haha typical jo). Kat is screaming "WHERE IS THE LEASH!????!" Alison is repeatedly yelling "HERE! i'm HOLDING IT!!!" but kat doens't hear her for a while.. jo and carson come back in with the dog. "oh thank GOD!!!! omg" "what's WRONG with you frosty????!!!!" "you went out BAREFOOOT!?????!"

silence. "so ANYWAYS! hi!" i say to the guys STILL standing there.

"uhhh hi my friend and i are missionaries from our church... blablabla" Hands us a tract with a candycane attached. "errr... thanks!"

we close the door and laugh hysterically for like 20 min.

we read the tract and found out that they were mormons. hahaha i feel so bad for them hahaha but hopefully we created some err... humour? for them during their manditory evangelism.

snowlove*

for the past few weeks, other than crazy snow attacks when dropping carson off, i couldn't find anyone to play in the snow with me. it made me sad... NICE snow only lasts for so long. and this powdery stuff is perfect for making SNOWANGELS. i asked kat and jo a million times to make snow angels with me and they kept refusing only to make snow angels on like the ONE DAY taht i wasn't with them. needless to say, i was quite disappointed.
then, today-- steph, derek, and i were walking to v1 and i was like to steph "... wanna make snow angels?" and she's like "sure!" and throws her bag on the ground i'm like WHOAAAAAA duddddeeee!!! bahahhaa anyways it was fun =) and derek took pictures :D here's my first official snowangel making of the winter =) :



afterwards, we went to get princess alice and chilled in the cafe with simon ho, kevin (happy, and i forget his other namelol), and nate. there were no pizza fingers *sigh* but i had a spicy chicken wrap and maaaaan oh man it was good. and then went back to alice's room for a bit and just chatted. =) it was a nice break before going back to stUDYing again tomorrow *sigh* (thanks guys =))

(3/4... almost thereee!!!)

hello random
when i woke up this morning i found $120 on my desk along with my favourite pair of socks (black puma) that i'd lost for a long time.

on my way to narnia
2/4 tonight.. and then 3 tomorrow and thennnnnnnnnnn 4 on monday and NARNIA! *whee*

misplaced
i was so stupid. detach, detach, detach!!... even i need to learn some self defense.
i won't take pride in selfishness though. i'm not going to be ashamed of caring about other people. (granted, sometimes i am the most selfish person you will ever meet) my world does not revolve around "number one", and i don't charge ahead uncaring of the hearts i may be shattering on my way.
MY bit of selfishness? always being afraid that things are "about" me, even when i know full well they aren't. overanalysing. maybe stepping on other people's right NOT to give a damn about me.
so here i protect myself and i protect them from me. i'm waving and i won't cry i single tear.
shhh before you say anything. i think i'm allowed to express myself too.

on that note
It takes little strength to rely on others, moderate strength to rely on yourself, and great strength to let go of that whole strength and pride thing and fall into the arms of God.
current status? still a weakling.

i smell a mystery

hellohello we are at DP ... we, that is, kat and i.
howeverrrrrr...

half an hour ago, kat disappeared from the cubicle behind me. she didn't take her cell phone.
at first i thought she went to the bathroom but after a while... her whereabouts seemed a bit more fishy. i have been trying to solve the mystery with the help of laura janna and joanna.

here's what we've come up with so far.
Q: Where is Kathryn Cheung?
A:
a) she died.
b) she is taking a half hour long crap
c) is really gassy and cant' get up
d) is HIDING (it's a GAME!!!!) hahaha

AHHHHH!!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHA she's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and we were wrongggg... the answer to the mystery isssss.... she was practicing typing out her essay questions at the computers!

if you ask me, our solutions to the mystery were far more interesting.

janna says: take your cell phone next time but don't flush it!!!
bahhaaaa

so ... disposable. and pathetic.

red.blue?

why

it is important to know why.

i used to think maybe it wasnt' so important why. that constantly seeking out why was a waste of time, because no matter why, the who what when and where and how would most likely still be that way. therefore, why waste the effort into wondering why ... in a sense, certain things maybe i still dont' feel like questioning...
but there are three things i think are important:

1. why i believe in what i believe
recently someone who i consider to be really strong in their faith started questioning it. and at first i was like omg panic... doubt. is it "horrible"? ... honestly, i dont' think so. maybe its good. sometimes. maybe its good if it causes us to seek out God more and figure out WHY He is who He is. isn't that what He wants after all? for us to SEEK after him? to search for him... and thirst for more? should we be content in what we THINK we know and blindly walk in our naive faith?
i dunno. i can't say i am all theologically correct or know anything really ... but what i believe is that God wants us to have a firm faith, to know his heart and i dunno, if questioning things and digging helps us do that then i'm thinking its a good thing. and i think that if thats' what we're doing, trying to figure out why we believe, trying to REALLy find God .. that he'll provide those answers some way...

2. why other people are the way they are
we watched Crash tonight. really good movieee...
anyways the whole thing is all these people interconnected but what i thought was so crazy was one minute i would be liek omg i hate that person!!!! and then the next minute it would be like OHHHH no wonder they're like that. i dunno. i guess i talk too much smack. and i get angry really easily. maybe it would be better if i took the time to find out why people are the way they are ... and if i can't maybe even to just give them the benefit of the doubt...

annd i can't remmeber number 3 but i have to sleep so i'mma quit rambling.. gnite

and today...

today started off well =) kat and i went on a mcd's run and met up with mo there and chilled and talked about funny things that our families do. then kat and i went over to janna and laur's to drop off food and desperate housewives and ended up staying for a while just joking around and chatting. that was really nice =)
studying just kind of takes alot out of me though. its so hard to focus and to find a good place to do so. and today, i jsut felt a little bit unwanted. although jo and carson are fun to be with until jo had to go to work and we all got seperate rooms at tc. and then i read whitney's msn space and it was about how she went back to rev for dinner. and how she realized that she really missed first year.



that was september. its funny how little things have changed since. and the term ends in 2 weeks. crazy.

thursday was world AIDS day

"50 million people. This is the population of England. It’s also the number of AIDS orphans in Africa by 2010."

"I sat in the waiting room with the kids trying to tell them to sit on the bench in Siswathi, trying to hold the ones who fell asleep, and trying not to think about the reality that each and every one of these small beautiful children have a terrible virus raging in their veins."

"For the first time in my life, I glimpsed something deep into the heart of God, the heart of God the Father Who sent His Son so that we may live…I can honestly say that I wanted to give my life so that these children could live. I felt so hopeless as I realized that few of them will live to be older than my brother Colin, and none of them will be as old as my 16 year old brother Cody."

my don from last year is working in south africa trying to do something about all this. lately i've been moved to maybe go there myself.

in any case, go check out her blog http://masoyiafrica.blogspot.com and please support her in prayer and however else you can.

phone scare

so someone stole my phone from CIF today. and then they returned it like 10 hrs later. at least that's what i think happened. anwyays i'm just glad i have my phone back =)

studying at tc

studying at the coop building today with emz jo kat and carson haha.. so funny ... and lots of food... it was kinda gross but it was good =) i still can't decide between slc, dc, and now tc for finals. *sigh*

fun before finals

YAY! for:

annual mall escapades
fox & the fiddle* (celebrating seeing eachother;))
poutine and sweet dreams (scary waitress!!+cult)
voodoo wings and orchestral concerts (sitting in the front row hehe)
zehrs and chicken little
"wonders of winter" hehe not getting lost
jess's party

annnnnnnnnnd now it is time to study.

*sigh*

oh december....

my christmas spirit is being seriously threatened by fear, boydrama, jealousy, fatigue, confusion, expectations, disappointments

and right now, the hugest migraine ever.

"how do you cope when the one........ and there's nothing you can do about..... i gotta take it, though its heartbreaking, it's something that i have to do. but nobody said that it would hurt so bad"