as of late

i haven't posted much because i just really haven't really been much of a fan of ..errr.. communication or connection with anyone. HA! ... so sad.

My desire for social interaction has dissapated almost entirely.
Mostly i just havec indifference left.
On some days, desire is replaced with dread.

For now i will attribute it to my monthly visitor... although, this has been going on long before it came around...

other than that, it's freezing cold. i love joanna's laptop. and i bought a poster today.

adios.

hold that thought

alright so the birthday plans are on hold again.

it's just that sometimes-- i wear blinders. i have my mind and heart set on something and i just look right straight ahead. i kind of kill my peripheral vision. i dont' look at any options because all that i can see and think about is that. whatever that is.

I've had a "voice of reason"less summer-- which, is a person by the way. But then i just spoke with that voice... and, not saying i'm changing my mind on things... but i do see the need to take off the blinders and give it a good, fair, thinking-through. Otherwise, i may do something i regret later.

It's just confusing sometimes.. because i'm not always sure what is important. In fact, i'm often not.

birthday plans (attempt 2)

So here's what i'm thinking i want to do for my birthday-- it's not set in stone obviously, but i'm getting a bit excited about it (which is probably bad because i'll most likely end up bitterly disappointed but i just wanted to give it a chance) ...

well! During the day (this is Saturday, September 16th)... I want to go back to Grand Bend!
I want to lie on the beach and swim and eat cake and drink pina coladas. =) (obviously this means good weather must hold out, but *crossing my fingers* sept 15th usually is still pretty warm)

and then at night, i want to go to Phil's.

*smiling proudly at my newly formulated plan*

i believe in the sand beneath my toes

just got back from a cottage in grand bend for a few days with my sA girlies! --- what an EXCEPTIONAL three days!!!! :D

It was SO, SO good to just be able to all be together and relaxed-- no one stressing about school or other committments-- just allowing ourselves to enjoy eachother's company, eight girls lazy and laughing. :) Well, not TOO lazy considering we did all help cook four fantastic feasts. FEASTS. seriously, we were always so stuffed! The first night we had cheeseburgers with like lettuce and tomato and we had corn on the cob and baked potato... the next day for brunch we had eggs, bacon, potatoes, grilled cheese, toast, fruit salad (like apples, pineapple, pears, grapes, all chopped up together... last night for dinner we marinated and skewered chicken, mushrooms, onions, green pepper, and cucumbers and bbq'd them, plus we bbqed hotdogs, and corn on the cob, made baked potato again and we made our own margaritas... and then this morning we had the baked potato from the night before along with some failed pancakes, cucumber and bologna sandwiches, cheerios, milk, and fruit salad, and regular salad! TADAAAAAA!!!! I am so impressed by us. Quyen was soooo skilled with her working the grill and all haha i dubbed her the "dad" of the wknd-- and of course, maril's always the mother of the bunch-- eating her corn very clean and helping me put on afterbite and stuff lol... Our meals were very picturesque. We ate outside on a picnic table by the bbq, with really pretty johnson&johnson candles burning to keep away the mosquitos, and at night with a lamp in the middle of the table to light it, with music playing through the window, and with our food spread out in front of us, honestly it was awesome.

Other than stuffing our faces-- our cottage was a one minute walk from the beach, so we spent a lot of time there, swimming and suntanning to our hearts' delight-- listening to katrina read, playing with the "fun ball", hanging on to the green floaty thing for dear life while being knocked around by waves, making foot prints in the sand and hearing maril scream bloody murder when the waves destroyed them, taking a million pictures...that kinda stuff.-- and there was a strip mall by the beach so we went shopping there too and we all bought the same ring (plus one for kat and emz too who were mia), we also went to goderich yesterday beucase it was raining out and we went shopping haha, we lay around the cottage listening to music and braiding eachother's hair, and we watched a LOT of Grey's Anatomy (i think we were up til 6am today watching grey's... but h'ray! i'm caught up!!!). Surprisingly, other than the margaritas there was no alcohol consumption lol which i originally DID want to play "I Have Never" but now i'm glad we didn't drink because it reminded me of first year, when we could just chill a whole lot and not drink at all and laugh hysterically and love eachother and have a blast without going anywhere or doing anything special.

Some of my favourite moments:

- maril's freaky scream hahaha
- me jo and maril posing as "charlie's angels" and trying to photograph our shadows and having chris and dev staring at us from afar being like "what the..."
- all meals.
- quyen's baywatch imitation && "I LOOK ONCE MORE!" hahaha
- sitting on the pull out couch with chris and dev and maril, and Graduation by Vitamin C playing and everyone incl jo katrina and aneta swaying lol -- well, actually i'm not sure kat and aneta were swaying .. but they were helping us keep time haha

- STARGAZING-- we went out to the beach around 11pm last night and honestly it was BEAUTIFUL. we could see all the constelations-- and the big dipper was RIGHT in front of us over the water, you barely had to look up. it was like looking at the painting of the water and the sky and the big dipper was huge right above the water...

- CAKE-eating.... okay so quyen's bday is on friday and so we had cake for her-- but it was special beucase we at it ON the beach. we had our mat spread out, and the cake was right in the middle and the 8 of us we lay all around it, and just ate it directly out of the tray with our forks right on the beach with the sun shining down on us. :) "i have never"...

there were more fun things too but those are the ones that come to mind right now :) the stargazing and the cake on the beach was pretty sweet and i'm hoping people send pics fast becuase i want to paint those two things i think... :) ... anyways now i'm back and i'm sad. goodbye's are really hard (chris is going to pharmacy at ut in the fall) and i guess things aren't going to be the exact same. but ya know, these girls, they're like sisters. and we stick by eachother. so i know that things are going to be okay.

*finger wiggle* (lol maril)

august's first "note to self"

something everyone knows but, that i myself often do not put into practice-- someone gave me this advice yesterday and i thought i'd jot it quickly down:

"Never say anything to anyone about anyone that you would not be willing to say to that person's face."

Simple. Yet saves you so, so much trouble.
Gossip is a snowball.

riddle

the stronger she gets, the weaker i get
she's getting beyond arm's reach, yet her hand is fastened onto my heart
it's scary how much alike we are, but how different,
almost as frightening as her adamant resolve to stay.

sloppy seconds

there are two days in the year i anticipate greatly-- christmas and my birthday.
christmas time is jsut a really happy time. and eveyrone's really happy and giving and everything around is just joyous. Although this past christmas was a total flop complete with conflicts and tears.
why do i like birthdays? because, for me, i don't feel special or appreciated very often. and on my birthday it's like the one day where i can feel cared about and like no one's gonna have excuses on why not to be with me. i can pick whatever i want to do and people will do it with me. i get to spend all this time with my friends and feel like i really matter. and everyone gets ONE of these every year. ONE day. and that ONE day that i get, is really important to me.
so, me being me, i started getting really excited months ahead of it and planning out what i'm going to do and stuff and telling people who will not be in waterloo to come up on the 16th (saturday, day after my bday) to celebrate with me. i chose saturday becuase the 15th is a friday and since a bunch of my friends attend ccf on friday nights i felt it would be okay to celebrate on the saturday instead especially since i share my birthday with my friend laura who would probably want to celebrate on the 15th as well. i had all these ideas and plans on how to make my 20th, worthy of a two decade celebration.

but there's no point in celebrating something when the reason you're celebrating no longer exists.

and there was a point tonight where i was just so boiling mad. but now, i'm not. i'm just hurt and sad.

so my birthday is cancelled. that is all.

three things:

WINGS + CAESAR'S = LOVE

secondly, i dont' care what anyone says-- pms exists. it deeply and truly exists. haha i have cried so often for no reason in the past week its just ridiculous.

lastly-- i think i need to quit being such a ... i dunno snob? i dunno what's wrong with me .. sometimes just word vomit comes out and i feel like i'm saying things that should really be left unsaid.

haloscan

there are several things i love about the commenting system i use. first of all, it allows me to ban people from commenting. and therefore, i am able to ban those individuals who cause me discomfort.
and! before, haloscan used to delete comments that were over four months old, but last night i discovered it restored to me all of my comments so i can go back to several years ago and read comments from back then yayyy =) what an effective time-waster!

july

can't believe july is half over.

i hate when you have so much to say that you can't say anything at all.

random goodtimes of july:
- sauble of course
- weekly WINGSnights* with christie jo kat carson (and this wk jacq!)
- waiki's visit
- weddingcrashers with kwcac girls
- mikey's "milkshake" chats
- practical jokes (cough)
- coffeehouse
- alison, alice, and steph visit! =)
- bbt with aaron ryan carson jess alice steph alison (i suck at slapjack)

... and other than that, i just can't believe how abruptly things end. it's hard to know how to deal with goodbyes.. how not to make things so *final*, but yet, to treasure the time you have left. i should take more pictures.

kreazeless meets sauble : canada day wknd 06


[in chronological order]:

"a doe!... a deer!" shouts dora, on the way there upon spotting a deer. haha which caused us to start this whole "i sing everything i say" bit bahaha

finally found an lcbo and then beach towels at giant tiger

first day everything seemed like it was going to go SO well! we got the tent up so perfectly, spent a few hours at the beach sunbathing, started to grill our burgers on our japanese hot pot grill and then....
...it breaks. so we had to build a fire (skillz) and roast the rest of the burgers on there. haha but it was okay. it dindt' ruin the night. we sat back on our "tarp" (becuase we forgot to bring lawn chairs :P) and drank and ate and were crazy. =) drove to the bathroom a couple times ya know...

'course, the morning comes very quickly. we're greeted by a very cross dora. (mind you, everyone except me was in their "time of the month" or premenstrual)
"GET up." says dora. "what timmme is it?" says kat. "is it 1:30?"

it was 7:30am.
haha so then we drove to the bathroom and got to the beach by 8:30 which was actually really nice beucase we pretty much had it to ourselves.
we made a sandcastle. a very practical one at that!
dora: the royal family put ME in charge of the defenses! these are the arrow towers.
jasy: what are we defending against?
dora: you'll be sorry when i make an army to attack the castle.
...i made some stairs for the interior. jo made a giant squirrel crawling up on the castle. and kat made a turd-looking tower. we made tuna and chicken salad sandwiches for lunch and ate on the beach :)

for the rest of that entire day we really did nothing except lie on the beach and that's how i got SO burnt and dark. until dinner time when we walked SO far for dinner, and everyone was in a crap crap mood except for me who was excessively nervous and trying to "keep the peace" even when there wasn't any peace to be kept. and we ended up eating at this family restaurant beucase it started pouring rain.
then we went back to the beach and sat in the car for hours and hours. no one talked. i got fed up and decided to go to a little cafe called Two Chicks Cafe which i decided is one of my favourite places in the world. i got an iced cap (thye have the BEST icedcaps ever) and checked my email. i debated seriously on buying everyone drinks to cheer them up, then headed back and slept some more. we were waiting for the fireworks. the fireworks were scheduled to start at 10. we'd finished dinner at 6. so at like 9ish. suddenly, it's very urgent for us to go back to the campsite to get a this flashlight that died the night before to charge it. hahahahhahaa i'm actually laughing outloud as i write this. so we LEAVE our "spot" that we've hogged and sat waiting in for the past 3 hours. and drive back to the campsite. of course, we get LOST. and that makes everyone that much more grumpy. then we get back to the campsite and ask the people whether or nto we can get our deposit back if we leave a night early... then we grab the flashlight-- only to find-- it works! so we didn't charge it afterall. then as we're driving back to the beach it starts pouring rain. and when we get there, all the cars are leaving.
no fireworks.
so we sit in the car agaIN. the sunset is beautiful so i go out and take a couple pictures and get back into the car. there are some people playing with their own fireworks or sparklers. i ask everyone if they wanna get some. they say no. if i get some will you play with me? maybe. so i get out of the car and decide to buy some stuff. i get all excited cuz the stuff is pretty cheap. but of course when i go to pay for it, i ahve no money left on my debit.

i get back into the car finally defeated. "wanna go talk in the tent?" someone says. okay. so we head back to the campsite again. of course, everyone there is completely wasted and we'd not planned ahead enough to remember that lcbo would be closed on canada day so we jsut drank what we had left over. there were some girls that were ummm "winning beads" and asked dora if she'd like to win some. that was freakish.

so we get into the tent and end up playing Truth (you know, like truth or dare but with no dares.. pretty much you just have to tell everyone everything they ask you haha) but it ended up being really good! because we had some SERIOUS girl talk. and laughs and secret revealing and we're finally all acting like best friends happy on vacation again. so you think that would've saved the night right?

wrong! kat wanted to lie down so we all started trying to open up our sleeping bags, only to reveal-- they were SOAKED!! except kat's. so all night i lay away shivering my butt off. i gave dora my sweater. and the people outside were screaming and setting off fireworks the entire night. at one point of the night, some fireworks went off and kat goes "it's raining!" and then went back into her peaceful warm slumber. dora and i just started laughing incontrollably "i dont' know whether to laugh... or cry!" Luckily, joanna ended up giving us some of her sweaters. so i didnt' die of hypothermia.

the next morning i'd slept maybe 2 hours, and we were talking about how we got no sleep and how it was freezing cold. and kat goes "_i_ slept great!!" yeah kat. great. thanks. so we got up and packed up all our stuff (we'd decided it would be suicide to stay another night). it took us like fifty billion tries to pack up the tent. i think this is where i finally kinda snapped. cuz i'd been trying to stay really really positive the whole time. but then in the car dora goes "so! we're going to the cafe! right? the cafe!!" looking at me and i just cheered right up again. hahaa it's jsut so easy. what the hell. hahaha
but i do love that cafe. and we went there, got icedcaps and hot water for our instant noodles and ate instant noodles and spam mmmm :)
after that we went to the used bookstore and got books! =) dora go eight. jo and kat each got two and i got one. The Secret Life of Bees. So we spent the day lying on the beach again reading our books. =) it was SUCH a happy day! dora started crying in tuesdays with morrie. kat yelled at us for singing beat of my heart haha and jo tried to drown herself in the lake! but we were all relatively happy hahaha

in the evening, we drove back to toronto to dora's place. we SHOWERED which was painful but heavenly. we cooked the rest of our food that we couldn't make and settled in front of the tv and watched Bride and Prejudice. then we lay around in dora's room and laughed incontrollably for hours about how ridiculous our trip was and how fun it was even though it was a disaster. and how sad and hilarious pms is.

we spent monday watching three movies before we (sadly) had to head back to waterloo. without dora. :(

but yeah. the weekend was incredible. and then it was so incredibly horrible that it was funny. and then it was awesome again. :) one bad day out of four-- that's not bad!

but what have we learned about ourselves? we are NOT camping people.
next year's canada day? -- ottawa.
but the beach was lovely. :)

best no-pledge ever

when we do calls and don't get a pledge, we have to write down the reason why the person decided not to pledge, be it finances or their dog died or whatever.
today when i was working, a guy gave me the best reason ever for not pledging (or at least the most creative i've gotten compared to the usual sub-par "I have three kids in university" bit). Essentially he told me that he believes that the government should be supporting universities, and not relying on fundraising to do so. It's a vicious cycle, he says. The government says that if tax payers support the universities by donations, they will increase their support for the university. However, once they see that more people are giving, they will want to support universities less and less thinking that tax payers will just make donations to their post secondary institution of choice (of course he went into GREAT length about this extrapolating to elementary schools selling chocolate bars and the united states and stuff for around 20 minutes).
THEREFORE, he concluded, i can not possibly give you money, beucase by doing this, i am contributing to the deterioration of our supposed socialistic society and encouraging the quickening steps of this country towards capitalism.

haha! made my night.

what a swell week(end)!

my dora came up on thursday, and that night a bunch of ppl went to kzone haha to sing and be stupid =) dora and i butchered when you believe and a whole new world, jane and karen did hardcore canto songs, chris and kev came which was awesome because i hardly ever get to hang out with them plus chris is hilarious, we sang offkey happy birthday to hannah, kat knocked over someone's drink, haha oh and christie kat dora and i did testtubebaby shots which were abso_lute_ly disgusting. they look like actual embryos.


for some reason, that night, dora and i started speaking to eachother in chinese accents. and then, for the _entire_ weekend, we couldn't stop. and we started infecting (and annoying) other people with it. and honestly even now i can't stop. my _thoughts_ have become in a chinese accent, and i am strugggling with grammar and intonations when i actually speak normal english. engrish. oh mah gaaahhd.

friday was PHIL'S. :) it was a good time seeing a bunch of highschool/elementaryschool friends and letting loose.



saturday was planning for camping and at night, chris's sister's stag&doe! goodtimes with the sAgirlies... i got PIED in the faceeee by rolvin and NOone helped me! sadness haha but it was funny. esp since dev and i got our revenge :) after the stag&doe, carson jo kat dora and i got a ridiculous amount of food from sobey's and ate and watched Shop Girl at kat's.


sunday we went to toronto bright and early for christie's baptism at grace gospel :) it was a really joyful service, and it was really cool to hear christie's testimony. christie challenges me alot in the sense that compared to her, i have a really "easy" time being a christian, and yet i take for granted the freedoms i have to spend with and for God. after the service, we all went out for dim sum haha the boys cheered for the sew mye and ha gow and then the waitresses ignored them and walked away. meanwhile, they were telling the girls how beautiful we are and begging us to eat more food. lol ... after dim sum dora jo kat carson and i went to commerce for bbt and met up with andrew and bee. after a time of chatting and dropping dora off at home, we picked up jacq and headed back to waterloo.




and so ends my practically perfect weekend. i'm sure i just bored everyone to death but i don't care! i am happy! :) and next wknd is SAUBLE! :D yayayayay.

special

i spent the better part of the afternoon at square1.
my mom and my sister went to go buy a grad dress and i got the chance to sit down with my dad at second cup and just chat.

i realized that i really appreciate just being able to share our lives with eachother. something i really admire about my dad is that he really loves God and loves our church and is passionate about his service to God and to others at our church. he's passionate about musical worship, yet, he doesn't seek only to serve in the ways that he finds the most enjoyable. he's always seeking ways to best serve other brothers and sisters, even when what the best thing is isn't the funnest or most exciting thing for him. A servant heart. yes. that's what he has.

and i think that's special.

oh the horror

what on earth is waterloo coming to? i am shocked and appauled!
of all the wastes of time and energy...

ten digit dialing???!
>=(

_not_ impressed.

girl talk with alex haha
nachos and a seabreeze at the keg with gladys
three dip bread and "forgetting i'm not in highschool"haha at moxie's with janey
disney store, starbucks, and laughs(always) at fairview with bee and andrew

let's not forget another date with my boyfriend, albeit, he slept through most of it.

and quality ME time. :) spent in the way we love most, shopping. <3
polka dot shirt from h&m
pink T from hollister
visited zara and seriously considered another polkadot top, but in the end, we sadly parted ways. & urban outfitters has stolen my heart. but not my wallet! =)

my heart feels like its had its chance to breathe.

i'm about to head out to catch the bus, but not before i grab my chicken pad thai from spring rolls *drooool*

things that waterloo needs to get:
1. h&m
2. hollister
3. urban outfitters
4. a subway system
5. the people i love who are not already there

i was going to say spring rolls, but i think part of its appeal, is having to travel to get it :P

tralala* i am happy. =)

can't do waterloo anymore
things are too fuzzy here. disappearing
and messy, sloshing all over
and my eyes are like cups filled to the very, very tip
and i've been tense, trying to carry them smoothly

don't spill

so i'm packing up my eyes
and my backpack
and taking them away for a very little while

escape r u n away.

deep thoughts by me

I work at the UW Call Centre. For those of you who don't know, it is located in South Campus Hall. During one of my shifts today, i went to the bathroom and when i flushed the toilet, the flush was SO violent.
Here is a phoenetic example of how it sounded: SHHHLLLLPPP!!!BAMMM!!!WHOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The water looked like aggressive rapids slash whirlpool whatever.
So I thought to myself after this dramatic occurance-- i should blog about how violent the toilets are at SCH! And about a milisecond after _that_ thought crossed my mind, i realized how ridiculous it was to blog about the violent toilets.

And THENNNN
i thought about how there are people who title their blog things like "Deep thoughts of blabalbal" or "My Deep Thoughts" or "Deep Inside my Mind" ... something to that effect. Pardon me if your blog is entitled in such a manner, but i am not thinking of _you_ because at this moment i can't even come up with an example of any specific blog! But, come on, really. I've always cringed whenever seeing such titles on people's blogs. Because!--

1. That means that whatever you post has to be super... "deep"!.. so to speak, and if you post silly things or trivial things, people will automatically assume that those, as the title indicates, are your deepest thoughts!

2. Why would people be so cocky as to proclaim their "deepness" to everyone? "Oh my gosh everyone, i am so deep. i post my deep deep thoughts online so everyone can be enriched by my deepness." ... i dunno. just something about that rubs me the wrong way.

by now, you are probably wondering why i lack such a great deal of a life to take the time to write all these shallow shallow things.
well this is what happens when i work at the call centre for eight hours straight!
but really! normally my thoughts are VERY deep! ... deeper than deep! Honest!!!

ok i am going to stop now. and go to bed before i hurt myself.

being boring

today, alan came up and we went to starbucks and somewhere in our conversation, the topic of "getting boring" came up. we both vowed never to be boring. not even if we got married. haha and when you get married, that is an easy trap to fall into.
but then i was thinking about it, and maybe i'm already starting to get boring. life used to be this big adventure for me. and everything that happened was a big deal, so exciting. nowadays, i don't really care about as many things. and i've been strangely antisocial this term, sticking only to the familiar and safe. things don't seem important and meaningful as much anymore. and that scares me. it makes me want to paint a giant mural. or write a book. or disappear to somewhere fabulous.

i love:
the olds.
the subway.
weddings.
dor.
the sunshine. the mall.
ga jeh.
taking p i c tur es.
spring rolls. my "boyfriend".
bubble tea.
toronto.