I am serious about this blogging thing! I can't seem to figure out how to get the Blogger comments to appear, since Haloscan has been discontinued, but I'm not too torn up about it.
As far as productivity goes, I have never been a winning contender.
That is going to change.
Today, thus far, I have accomplished 3/11 tasks. The sun is still out. This is good news.
Plus, I'm wearing a neon yellow t-shirt that Alanna got me from NY. And since that is my favorite colour, I'd say it can only mean positive things.
I've decided to blog again! (The Waverly in me smiles confidently.)
Talking to myself, I realized, keeps me focused and less scattered. It makes things more manageable and designates significance to otherwise minor details.
I have a room now. Did I mention? Yes, my very own primary colored bedroom in a little bungalow with a spacious backyard and three lovely roommates. Two of whom cook very well and have fantastic taste in music and are human. What more could a girl ask for, really?
It's helpful make lists of What You Have and What You Can Do, when you're anxious.
This weekend is going to be a productive one!
And I think I might make Korean Glass Noodles if I get the chance!
Right now, I'm going to hop in the shower while it's still the middle of the night.
Rotating bodies, confusion of sound
Negative imagery, holding us down
Social delusion, clearly constructed
Human condition, morals corrupted
Trapped in reaction, lawlessness war
Dissatisfaction from bowels to core
Devil’s technology, strategy for
Human mythologies, urban folklore
Sick of psychology, counterfeit cure
Wicked theology, robbing the poor
Scheme demonology mislead the pure
Strictly strategically studying war
Light shown in darkness, image exposed
Few can see through the new emperor’s clothes
Lustful this hustle turn humans to hoes
When the blind lead the blind
Just more trouble and woes
It’s the mind that they chose
Its designed to stay closed
Standard of jokers, court just a logic
Sick looking cosmics, from schoolyards to college
Primitive man with civilize knowledge
System collapse and he still won’t acknowledge
God is the saviour, studies behavior
Trying to fix the mix mind that he gave ya
Stiff-necked scholars on prescription meds
Wishing their problems were all in their heads
Morale dilemma, pride is the root
Misguided from youth, heart divided from truth
Egyptians and Grecians, spiritually dead
Imperially led, by the gods in their heads
Motives and thoughts
Industrial wealth
Global economy, in it for self
Heart full of madness, covered with kind
Pleasure designed to take over your mind
Furnished in godliness, painted in good
This tainted priesthood got real saints misunderstood
While classes in government, set up the veil
And cultivate minds for more mythical tales
Typical Hollywood follies good girl
While vice and corruption take over the world
Motives and thoughts
Check your motives and thoughts
Blind with the wickedness, deep in your heart
Modern day wickedness is all you’ve been taught
Lied to your neighbors, so you get ahead
Modern day trickery is all you’ve been fed
Motives and thoughts
Check your motives and thoughts
Apparently sharks never sleep and if they stop moving they die. I'm a shark up until maybe 6am every bloody night this week. Besides tonight, because it's 7:30 now and I'm still up. This part is my fault though because I'm here blogging about it instead of actually trying to sleep even though I have a dentist appointment in 3.5 hours. Go me.
I've been entertaining myself well though, through the supposed sleeping hours. I caught up on all my youtube subscriptions. That hasn't happened in a long while. I forgot what a computer-person I can be, because 2009 was pretty low on the computer usage since the pos was broken for the majority of the year. But the guilty satisfaction I get from all my online social networking sites hasn't really worn off that much. I'm admittedly a bit disenchanted by blogging now, but not tonight so you probably don't believe me. I don't love Facebook but it sucks me in once in a while.
Other than watching the 5AG and the Vlog Brothers and Mememolly, I've been perusing lookbook.nu and a bunch of different 'fashion related' blogs. It's really unhealthy to look at fashion when you're as broke and as frivolous with your money as I am.
I also randomly decided to paint my nails. I have my nailpolish in this basket thing under my mirror and I don't have a lamp yet so I went off the light of my monitor and two tealights-- couldn't really see the colour of the nailpolish I grabbed properly, so yay! I'm going to wake up to surprise-colour, poorly done nailpolish in 3 hours. I felt phartsy about it so here are some pictures.
you say I only hear what I want to. you say I talk so all the time so.
and I thought what I felt was simple, and I thought that I don't belong, and now that I am leaving, now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you. yeah, I missed you.
and you say I only hear what I want to: I don't listen hard, I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running or to anyone, anywhere, I don't understand if you really care, I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.
so I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up, and this woman was singing my song: the lover's in love, and the other's run away, the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.
some of us hover when we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born. well, this is not that: I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.
and I thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
you try to tell me that I'm clever, but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
you said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong. I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave." but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
you said, "You caught me 'cause you want me and one day you'll let me go." "you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just so scared to lose. and you say, "stay."
I'm at the PO office waiting for checks. and later I'm ending canvasing early so I can come back to the office to do other admin stuff. It's pretty fabulous especially today because I'm inexplicably exhausted.
Tom Petty's Won't Back Down was playing in my cab this morning! The driver turned it up for me. Awesome guy.
Man, the one downside to sitting here waiting for these checks is that there is no coffee. and this morning it is necessary.
Working two jobs is tiring. But it's going to be worth it in a few months. It will.
Public Outreach is pretty cool-- besides standing outside all day (which actually hasn't been that bad given the nice weather we've been having) -- it's nice to fundraise for something I actually care about (Amnesty International). The call centre seems really warm in contrast now at nights too! And tomorrow we're going to Stratford. Hometown canvasing. Should be nice.
Plus I'm getting more hours at the good ol' call centre
Space We're getting a house! It has a giant backyard and sweet patio. And I will have a room. And Pooja is going to make me a tire swing.
Everytime I think about how much it sucks to work so much-- I just think of the tireswing and know that everything is going to be Okay.
"Paul Baribeau took me to the giant tire swing Gave me a push and he started singing I sang along while I was swinging The sound of our voices made us forget everything That had ever hurt our feelings"
I got the job I interviewed for. It's for Public Outreach which is this place where you stand on the street and fundraise for different organizations-- specifically Amnesty International and Green Peace at the moment.
Training starts today. Luckily it's only going to be for a few hours but this week it's going to be working at Public Outreach, and then immediate going to the call centre after.
Ah well. Girl's gotta do....
One good thing though-- I found this KW Society of Artists that meets monthly. I'm going to the meeting tonight. I'm hoping it'll be a good networking/learning opportunity. :)
My Daily Forcast says: You're a loaded weapon right now. True, you can't officially be set on 'stun' -- but you could certainly wipe out an entire offending species, if you so choose.
I know it's kind of crap, but sometimes these things are so frighteningly accurate!
I have an interview at 9:30am and I'm sitting here listening to Holly Cole over and over and over again because I'm too hot, too sick, too uncomfortable, too... frustrated to sleep.
make it go away or make it better: isn't that what love is supposed to do? make it go away or make it better: cause I would do either one for you.
i'm not angry, and i'm not crying. i'm just in over my head. and you could be the angel who stays on my shoulder when all of the other angels left.
I'm going to try and blog regularly again. Because I have a computer now. And because it helps me organize my thoughts.. for living, I guess.
I met up with Christie today. I probably wasn't much company because I'm disgustingly sick, but it was good to catch up and see each other again. It's funny because the way things have been going lately, I've been thinking about her a lot. And how Karma is reality. We had wings for old times' sake.
I want to learn and change. But is that possible with a crushed heart? (Drama queen, drama queen.) I'm just saying. It's difficult to be constructive/productive when you're overwhelmed by emotion.
Fevers are tricky too. Am I actually so hot that I'm perspiring? Or is it my body's joke and I'm actually cold like I should be?
Something's wrong with the power in our kitchen right now. The light won't turn on, and the fridge is dark. There's a pot of pasta sitting on the stove that I'm afraid is going to go bad over night or something... well I guess I'd better eat it? :P haaaaa like I mind. It was made by Not Me. and it has mushrooms in it. Mmmmm.
My mission tomorrow: Get well, sell some books, and start up my auction painting.
(a shout out to Amel for asking that (above) fundamental question.)
(and a shout out to Beyonce for tapping into the emotional side of my crap.): I'm in this fight, and I'm swinging And my arms are getting tired I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time, I'm sinking in the sand , And I can't barely stand, I'm lost in this dream , I need you to hold me.
I am not a project. But I am still my own project.
(Excuse my emo-drama-self-motivating bull, but I need to visually talk myself into fixing everything.)
I read these lyrics from Baby, We'll be Fine by The National off a friend's facebook profile, and I haven't really been able to stop thinking about them.
"All we've got to do is be brave and be kind."
Shouldn't that be how it works?
I can't test this theory, because I'm not brave most of the time.
But I want to be.
It's funny the quotes that I keep close-- written on my board, propped on my dresser, written boldly on post-its. Things like:
"Courage, my love." or "No fear; just charm."
I never noticed how the theme of courage/fear-defiance played into everything when I'm the least brave person, almost ever. Maybe it's meant to be something I'm telling myself rather than a motto.
But hell, I wish I was brave right now. I wish I was so many things that I'm just not. I wish I could at least do a good job of pretending. At the very least.
I feel like a dead end road.
Oh, this is the cycle, love.
That cycle that explains why am I sitting awake at 4:30am cussing myself out instead of getting some goddamned sleep so I can get up, be productive, and prove that I give a crap.
