2013

Well, we've survived the Mayan-predicted apocalypse and barrelled through another holiday season!

So with the fervor that only comes but once a year (on January 1st) I blow the digital dust of my beloved blog and begin to write again.

2012 was by far this blog's saddest year, with the alarmingly low post-count of ... *coughs* two. One post relaying a conversation I had with a co-worker emphasizing the extremely dismal nature of my job (which, I have since quit to pursue art school)! And the other, I have to confess, I just wanted some place to upload a photo to. It doesn't even contain any words.

I feel like I should apologize. Like I've been awful with keeping up with a friend or something, and the blog's like "what, now it's new year's resolution time and you're calling me so you can feel productive?". Though let's be honest, blogging is not really even productive.

But I do miss it. I miss you, old friend, who was ever-present through my teenage angst and was a joyful assistant to my university procrastination!

I should tell you where I am these days:

The company moved to Toronto - and me along with it! I have a tiny studio apartment in the downtown core which I adore! And I have two new kitties (Ebby and Ponyo)! We make a cozy little family.

In August, I finally had enough of that god-awful place I called work for a year. Really, there comes a point where you realize you have to stop complaining and hating something but never doing anything about it, I guess. And you have to realize what your inability to function properly in an environment where you sit in a purple box day in and day out selling meaningless shitty software, in an office where literally nobody will tell the truth about anything, and where management continuously rapes you in the ass and then demands that you smile and like it... well you have to realize what it says about you as a person. That job made me this angry and bitter person. Vengeful, even. There was one day where I was sitting outside the office rage-crying and cursing terrible things upon those by whom I'd been wronged - and it hit me, like, this is how villains are born!! I think that's what finally got me to think it over properly. It wasn't just that it was a terrible place devoid of human kindness or logic. (Which it was.) But it's also that at the heart of myself, I am not a water-cooler-cubicle-office kind of girl. I'm an artist. And if I didn't kick my ass into gear to make that REALLY happen, it never would. And I would be stuck in awful places like that for the rest of my life. So I found the Toronto School of Art and applied for their Portfolio Development Program, and quit the craphole in September when I was accepted.

TSA was one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had. And despite my fearfulness, I _thrived_ there. I made a lot of art and had some incredible teachers. I really made the right move on that one.

My life is now in a bit of a limbo again. I'm applying for proper art programs for fall and am on the hunt for a new job in the meantime. Hopefully something that pays the bills but doesn't suck the soul out of me. Wouldn't that be nice? ;)

Moving Forward:

I really want to get in gear this year. I want to take destiny by the motherfucking horns and be experience-filled and productive. I need to find a job, get into art school (again), develop a strong online portfolio/presence, learn to cook and start a food blog, be involved in a book club (check!), become physically fitter, save to travel... so many things! I just have to make sure I actually STAY motivated because I know I have this weird bi-polar nature about 'doing stuff'.

I wish no longer to be a "a great gasping fish, either squirming away from some uncomfortable distress or flopping hungrily toward ever more pleasure" as Elizabeth Gilbert so accurately and unintentionally described me, but I want to swim toward my desired destinations, despite obstacles, with strong gills and hard scales.

Are you sorry you asked?

 Person:  Are you really that unhappy about what you do?

 me:  Honestly?

 Person:  yeah

 me:  If your 'career' was saying the same thing over and over and over again every day to get people to see demonstrations of software, would you be happy?

 Person:  no, but i wouldnt see that as my career.

are you seeing that as your career?

 me:  I'm funner, smarter, more interesting. I have dreams that thankfully span farther than sitting inside a cubicle uttering mind-numbing things that I care very little about.

No, that's the thing -- I have to convince myself DAILY that this is a temporary thing. A stepping stone.

But it's not like I have opportunities to move positions, and it's not like I am becoming a famous artist any time in the forseable future. So it gets a little soul-crushing.

It's not this place necessarily. It's not that this is a horrible job for what it is. It's just that it is depressing to think that this is what I have achieved so far, and what I do for the majority of my time.

I am really nothing but a wage-slave, a cubicle dog, a peon in the drone of 'the system' of the 'corporate' world. It makes me so sad because I used to think I was special, but the more you're told to sit down and shut up by the world, the more I realize I'm very much 'nobody'. And it makes me really sad.

Eggnog Lattes and Me-Time

Eggnog Latte's are back at Starbucks, harkening back to days of sitting in this establishment for many an unproductive hour. These days, I prefer smaller cafes that are quieter and less frequented by stressed out students. And I have to say, their Christmas cups this year aren't really that impressive. But there's still something comfortable about sitting here blogging and sipping my latte. It gives me the silly illusion that I won't have to get up and go to work tomorrow. And that I'm somehow tech savvy.

I like being by myself, but I miss coffee dates.

That's what places like this are good for, really. Wrapping cold hands around warm cups, catching up with a friend you pretty much see every day anyway. It's too bad my main coffee-shop squeeze is down under! (Hi Bee!)

Aside: Today at work, an old man 'wink and gun'ed me. I think my main question would be ... why do people think it's acceptable to do such things?

Only two days until the weekend comes again.

Weekend Culture

Work was actually okay today-- which, I think was in part because it's Friday and the momentum of weekend-anticipation gave me adrenaline. Isn't it funny, the culture of the weekend? For a while, I really wasn't understanding what the buzz was all about seeing as my weekends were the same as my weekdays. I miss having more time but it's also kind of nice to have motivation to do interesting things on the weekend since I can't during the week.

Also, we had free work breakfast at the Daily Grill this morning and I got a ride to work. I'm not sure whether it was eggs and homefries (fantastic homefries!) that made me happy or just the fact that I didn't have to trek through the frigid fall air at 7:30 in the morning because I got a ride there. Probably both. Also, sometimes funny things happen at work and that cuts through the drudgery a little.

I'm also fairly certain I'd make a pretty damn good personal assistant now judging by the intense calling and tact I had to employ to book certain appointments. ha...

At the moment, I'm sitting in Coffee Culture in Kitchener, which, is not a location I typically enjoy. But there is free wi-fi. I'm waiting for my 7:30 bus to Toronto! Now that I'm employed, I can afford to go places again. No longer shall I be trapped in Waterloo!

I miss Kitchener sometimes, the dirty bastard. I think I'm going to go get a Philly Cheesesteak for dinner. Mmm.

Work Rants

I'm working again.

Really, it's about time after two months of being unemployed and pretty much laying around on my broke ass. And honestly, maybe it's just Wednesday, and raining (again) and I'm just feeling frustrated with the drudgery and the forced standards society imposes... or that I'm tired and JUST got home because I got stuck in a call and missed my bus and have no other way of getting home.

But today I feel a little crushed by 'the man'. 

I should think of things I enjoy about work-- forget about the early mornings, the jolt of the city bus, the cold the people carry around with them and radiate (fucking Canada), the lack of sunlight, the monotonous and tireless phone calls, the perky coworker, the disgusting catch-phrases.... 

Things I like about work: 

- free breakfasts (quiche and bagels) 

- cubicle decorating 

- snacks 

- coffee 

- money. money, money, money, money! Sustenance-- yippee! 

Here is a picture of free breakfast that slightly dulls my despair about where my life is right now:

Still, I don't understand how people are 'fulfilled' by their jobs. I don't understand how people define working as success, how people take the MEANINGLESS bullshit they do every bloody day and esteem and define themselves by it. Nothing you do matters. Nothing I do matters. 

Funny how when I have NO time, that's when I suddenly wish for time to paint. 

Herein lies the flawed nature of this beast.

Unrelated: I'm loving the new layout options for Blogger-- perfect for a lazy comeback for my one year anniversary! Thank you, Blogger! 

Patience

I haven't had the patience to figure out how to re-format my blog... I might need some help. I'm not well-versed with xml (?) and I pretty much hate the new default templates blogger's providing now. I used to get so much enjoyment in high school out of tinkering with my blog. And now I just feel frustrated. I think it's also because I have no photoshop or like-program on my macbook, so it's really just difficult to do anything.

Patience is something I feel too tired for lately in general, and I'm not sure how one overcomes this.

I spent last night in with Irina and Jo, watching Ramona and Beezus, which I loved and which made me cry! I know it's just a kids movie, but besides how dear the classic Ramona books are to me, the on-screen version just spoke to the overwhelmingness in my life right now. I feel a bit like I'm just 9 years old sometimes, wondering why every single thing goes wrong, why every single thing I DO is wrong. And when Picky Picky died, it brought the whole thing just too close to home. I miss Chancho so many times a day, nowadays. Animals can give you a kind of love people can't.

Back to you...

Somehow when life is a shithole, I always come back to you, dear bloggy.

And since life is pretty much at the bottom of shitholes, I think we're due for a little revamp for our tenth anniversary year! haha

Isn't it nice to give yourself the illusion of some semblance of control and ownership over something? :)

Take it from Donny-- someday, we'll all be free.

Gotta find some way to amuse myself at work...

educational worksheets..

Not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.

-- I find it tragically hilarious, the things people perceive as Sacred. Just because you choose to label something as everlasting and important doesn't mean it is. Labels and promises are not tangible-- only people are. And the only person's actions you can reliably predict and control are your own. Therefore, only your own choices and commitments are sacred if you choose to deem them so, and not the institutions that society creates to bond us to certain patterns of life that we pretend to abide by.

Touchdown in Korea-town

Landed in Seoul and killing time before we take off with Dennis and co. Dennis is our perky tour guide who keeps calling me Joanna. Talk about throw-back.

It's 6am HK time but 7am here, and I'm running on one hour of bad sleep on a plane near a couple of annoying spider-lashed girls. But nevermind them, I'm in Corea! :) 

Spotted a Dunkin' Donuts and had to try it (finally)-- asian dunkin' donuts is adorable! 

Pre-Corea Prep

I fly at midnight tonight!

And though I'll only be there five days, I'm excited to get to see a new piece of the world.

Testing out BB creams to gage which ones to buy. The coverage is actually more adequate than I thought it would be!

Paris in HK

I'll be hard-pressed to ever save enough dough to finally hit euro soil. And with my recent re-charged excitement for fashion, I took myself to K11 (http://www.k11concepts.com/en/) after work tonight to see their tribute to Paris fashion week which is at its tail end.

It's pretty cool, actually! They have three exhibits that are dedicated to three Chinese designers who had their work out at Paris Fashion Week, they're playing French music (haha), and Parisian-esque decor is scattered throughout the mall.

I've been running around the exhibits, awkwardly taking self photos with my laptop because I forgot my memory card for my camera at home. After running away from a South African gentleman who wanted to take my 'very beautiful' ass to LKF, I found the largest outdoor/indoor exhibit and awkwardly (but hilariously) ran into Steph who along with her fiance's entire family spotted me boothing with my arm fulls of stuff. Poor girl has to spend five days in Seoul with this loser-- woot!

Right now, I'm having my first taste of macarons from Paul Lafayet to go with the theme, along with a Cafe Creme to perk myself up for the subway home.

Vive l'Hong Kong!

Sai Kung Public Pier

I am here.

Exploriversity!

Apparently, I'm blending right back into the student culture. Sipping a mocha from a flimsy plastic cup and Facebooking from my Mac. Sounds about right.

Honestly, HKUST's campus-life-feel isn't too far from being at Waterloo at all-- disproportionate number of Chinese people v.s. Non-Chinese people included! (haha)

Of course the campus is FAR superior, with a mountain view of the water, and islands and eagles. There's a dim sum restaurant here. And everything looks far newer and prettier. But the right-most side past the sundial is suspiciously reminiscent of a certain Davis Centre look-- Waterloo architecture grad at work?

I need to get out of here if I'm going to finish exploring the residential areas I need to see, but I'm leaving behind this blast from the past:

I'd forgotten until my sister posted this photo, that 15 years ago, I was right back here in the same spot -- minus the mocha, and dressed head to toe in burgundy under the hideous vest that my fifth grade counterparts told me they wouldn't be caught dead wearing (even if it WAS Calvin Klein). (hahahaa..) Welcome back, subway kid.

She could make alone look pretty

I'm really starting to learn to embrace my solitude.

It's not that life doesn't give you a choice in the matter, but sometimes it's important to take steps away from companionship in order to better yourself or better others. Or to allow life to take its course and develop a better situation-- at least, I hope so. I've learned that things change, I guess. That I change. And that change isn't always negative-- not that heartache is never involved.

Vague much? ha...

I'm learning to enjoy my own company very much, though. Besides not having to compromise/wait/consider, it allows for a great deal of music-listening, and a lot of walking around in my own mind, and I consider this time to be a blessing even if it's sometimes lonely.

At the moment, I'm sitting atop a crowsnest at Life Cafe in SoHO, on a pile of pillows patterned suspiciously like our couch at Regina/Erb (a little gift of home?), and I've just finished a huge bowl of pumpkin-carrot soup with sunflower seed bread and a delicious organic smoothie called "Sunshine Shake". There's a little latin music playing overhead and below me are many British guests chattering away. The cheers of sports (soccer? rugby?) fans in pubs on the streets below occasionally erupt through the large open windows. Light for my soul!

Here is a little visual (Thank you, Photobooth.)

Flash Fiction

At work today, a student came in with an assignment from school to write a Flash Fiction story. I didn't actually even know what it was, but basically it's a very short short with a twist at the end. I decided to secretly give it a go too, partly because I find sixth grade homework fun (apparently) and partly because it's more fun than typing out a pdf.

My story is inspired by the nasty curry I had for lunch in which I found a piece of ginger shaped suspiciously like a finger. It's actually a bit long (it's only supposed to be 100 words)-- but I've already pared it down 50 words.

Mystery Meat

"You cut too smoh! Customa comprain! Must eat eet all!"

"Aiya, big enough, la!"

He chopped the pieces bigger now though, slicing with the white grain of fat-lines, each chunk subsequently seared in a nearby pan. The heavy bones, he pushed into a grubby garbage bag.

"Curry done yet?"

It was. The pot bubbled, thick and coloured by the fragrant yellow powder with a smattering of bright vegetables. In slid the meat, bobbing momentarily before sinking into the mixture.

The scowling woman ladled it into styrofoam containers of steamy white rice.

The last box was consumed by a hungry businessman after work, considering himself lucky to find such a cheap meal-- what a deal!

It was dark now and the perfect time for the last step. The woman hastily checked the garbage bag.

"Good," she nodded as the two silhouettes carried the loot into the night, "deedun fohget hees head. Teach heem cheat on me!"

Another quickie brought to you by Tony Chan

28 degrees today, thickest fog I've ever seen up on the 33rd floor. 

Normally, you can see mountains and the harbour from here... today, just white. Crazy!

And I have to go back to work tomorrow... le sigh. 

Wireless Wins

Tony Chan has not one but two wireless networks-- one titled Tonyhome and one called Tony Chan's Guest Network. The generous bastard's guest network is within range from the right most seat on the living room couch by the bay window. True, the guest network is secured by a password but I've cracked the code-- tonyguest. Mastermind, I know.

Thanks Tony! :)

This morning as I left behind nine dragons
on my way over to an incense filled harbor,
my gaze fell on a middle-aged wife counting her rosary beads
which reminded me of the rhythm of my sneaker soles thudding
against night-chilled sidewalks
and stiffened fingers stuffed into sleeves--

When I would listen to Jewel.

In a kingdom oceans away.

All to deafen the achey thumps

(waves?)

in my chest.

A religion in and of itself.

I laughed at myself then,
because I remembered that I'd promised (for the most part)
not to be so affected.