meow
last night after being scared completely out of my mind, i dashed into my empty house turning on all the lights. only after doing so did i close the front door. then i sprinted up to my room and huddled in the corner of my bed. grabbing my phone i proceeded to call gladys, patty, and janey .. yes in a row. leaving me little time to blog about... SKUNK(IE)... although i did share the story with the three people i called =P . ... see we were having a planning meeting for praylude... and we see this figure move across the window and pt is like "oh that cat has been here for a few days..." and so we opened the window and she was meowing loudly... crying... because it was so frigid and lonely out in the cold world. and of course we couldn't just *leave* her there so we brought her inside and gave her some tuna which she munched down crazily but yah... she is ADORABLE. i wanna keep this kitty... ccept that apparently she prolly has an owner. but if not...... yah. oh yeah... we named her Skunk(ie) .. actually wayne thought of it... and we thought it was PERFECT =D
for your visual enjoyment:

supposed to be in study right now...but i decided to come down here to blog... clear my thoughts a bit.
so many things hitting at me from all sides lately. so frustrated. so t i r e d. i got a chance to talk to alan last nite... he mentioned this verse: 2 Corinthians 4
8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

also, the new jaci velasquez cd is out!!! [unspoken] ... i used to be a semi "hardcore" jaci velasquez fan =P ... haha.. anyhow, i like her music and I WANT THAT CD!!! but i didn't tell tim so when he went to michells he bought it for jo but not me =( becuase she asked that is.. anyways she was nice enuff to lend me the cover and i am already really into the lyrics. a long long time ago, my dad bought me her book and her 1st cd and i really related to her type thing. well here's this song that WOW. i relate to so much...
-i've got my bad days and some are even worse i can be a blessing and you know, i can be a curse/ i tremble at rejection i'm scared to be alone sometimes i may be selfish but i always make it home/this is the real me am i the girl that you want me to be? this is the real me with flaws and fears of intimacy this is the real me/ i know that i'm demanding and sometimes insecure i think i've got the answers and then i'm not so sure/ i sometimes need attention a little more than i should but there is part of me that'd give the whole world if i could/ jaci velasquez.
i also really relate to "Lost without You" and "Glass House"...

HAPPY BIRFDAY LEXXIE!!!! [aka britney] actually it's belated now since it's past midnite =P ...

forgot to mention links added:
these being
tiff: my buddy tiffy : one of what kat's mom likes to call "mm fie fong yeep" or something (five maple leaves? i dunno...something like that" ... hahha.. i put up a pic for her she can't get it off =) lol... look while you still can =)

dawnie: dawnie my "unidentical twin seperated at birth" hehe =) she's also a few years older than me but hey =P a twin's a twin =P

and kurara: CLARAAAAAA =P =) hehehe =) muahahha i "coerced" her into blogging so GO READ! ... just as funny as ever =) eveyrone knos her she doesn't change =) miss u =P

.... "the grad special" this is something i want you to read. this is how people changed my life.

time: the most valuable thing in the world.
heh. ran out of it tonight. grad dinner goes on.. and i'm home. i ran up to the front five minutes before i had to leave, in a frenzy saying only... only the things that popped into my mind right then. i guess in a state of migraneous frustration i didn't get to express myself as well as i would have liked. people i would have liked to mention but did not have time... not to mention i took like 2 pictures. but hey, what can you do? except ......

what i would have said had i had more time
people wonder in life whether or not they have influenced others. encouraged others. changed others in some way. like... err... Mother Theresa? ... well good news, you don't have to be Mother Theresa to do that... in fact, to influence, encourage, or change someone ... all you need to do is... be open to getting to know them. and that means... the world. people touch your life in many many ways. little things impact people and you would never even know.

i grew up with nate yung and jon chin... these guys were part of Praylude (my fellowship now) when i was younger and yeah... we didn't talk so much but i looked up to them and hoped that someday, i'd be in that fellowship and able to make a difference in the church. thankyou for your influence. and then they got to university and they were always there greeting me with a smile and hello... also, jon and i like to discuss with eachother who's "hot or not" LOL... good times... =) let us not forget our childhood =p

speaking of smiles, let's not forget steve wong and his amazing perma-smile... i have never seen steve not smiling. honestly. wow. it is really an encouragement to see someone so joyful and friendly... and furthermore there's freddy ng who brightens up my days because somehow everytime we see eachother we like burst out laughing. and i'll be so down.. but see these people... and their joy will be spread to me.

even though i don't even know these people SUPER well... God has used them to influence and encourage me.

somebody important that i accidentally ommited because of my screwy time thing-- BONNIE. bonnie tam.... wow. she is always there with a smile and hug ... and i can go to her in tears and... she's there. me and bonnie helped out with vbs together in the summer and we have a song-- God You're Good to Me. ask us and we can sing it and do the actions for you =) even during vbs bonnie was such an encouragement to me showing me patience as she lead the kids especially this one who spoke only mandarin and never stopped crying... She taught me the pin yum for the chinese in songs so i could sing the chinese during joint service when we were leading worship... all these aunties and uncles now come up to me and tell me how great my chinese is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA =P thanks for your care and love. God truly is good to me by putting you in my life.

my "family"...[eunie calls these four her godsisters...for me, these people show me the most amazing love.. the most ... wow. they are like family. blood couldn't make these people show me more love.]

to my "see lai" friend emily law remember when we met and you had bangs.. and we were watching a reaaaaallly boring movie and eating burnt popcorn? hehe.. that was... wow. a long time ago. em has stuck it out with me for so so so long. i used to call her like alllll the time (housemates can testify to that) and talk about all these things. emily is the "sane" person ... she has a cool head about everything.. and is so controlled in her emotions ... after a bit .. i guess cuz of work terms and business we stopped hanging out and talking so much. but these past weeks we've really gotten back on track and wow. i wanna grab all that time back em... Em also teaches our highschool sunday school class. yesyes i'm a sunday school kid =P .. but you kno, she's made it something i really do look forward to ...a place i go to for real spiritual discussion and answers -not the same old bible stories. and em's stuck it out with us "cliquey" girls in the back crossed arms, legs on the desk in front of us gossipping about our latest crushes... she's stuck it out tho no one else wanted to teach with her... or when it was hard to get us to respond. in the same way, em has stuck it out in our friendship through the retarded things i've done to screw over her trust, to screw over many things. and each time i mess it up again she always lets me come back with open arms... she's never left... don't leave now =P (haha so corny) [favourite memory: ... i'd have to say either this past friday, or TIDE =)]

who is the only asian girl i know with NATURALLY curly hair? ... NITA! anita kwan my "classmate" from laurier for ...so many years that i've pretended to be a laurier student hahaha... anita was always there for me whether i asked her to be or not. she somehow lives with people i call alot of the time.. one term it was em, one term is was clara... and well she always would answer the phone with the most cheerful voice and ask me how i was doing... something i appreciated very much...but then i got to know anita... and WOW. i appreciate her more than ever now. nita is such a strong and patient person. she will push aside her problems that are so much more significant than mine and sit with me and listen to me say the same things again. always reassuring, always loving, never growing weary of me ( or at least she hides it well). she will dig through her stuff and find me crap to put on my face because i have disgusting hives and force me to go to the walk in clinic with her even though i don't want to because she cares. and she'll she will remind me over and over about how much God loves me, prepared someone for me, cares about me, and about how much she cares about me. she's always a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a hug to fall into. thankyou... [favourite memory: hehhehehehe writing things in the snow with our feet... IVAN + ANITA = LOVE 4EVA!! kekekeke... wish i got a picture =P]

euming chong is a name commonly heard... someone so many ppl know ... someone so many random guys "accidentaly" knock on the wrong door to see HAHAHA =) ... everyone wants to know eumie every guy wants to date her =)... and i have had the priveledge to get to know her.. and to have her know me. my skewed perceptions of her didn't prevent her from offering her presence in a time of frustration for me... she obviously didn't know she was getting herself into a whole daily phone call thing where her mom can now probably memorize my number and can automatically pick up the phone and be like "sorry euming's not home" haha.. but last year as i was struggling so much with temptations, euming was always there to listen. always there with advice. even though she makes fun of me that i like a new guy every day and she had never actually met me in person, eumie was there. and when she came back to loo, it was profound to see that this friendship i had developed over the phone was not superficial and fake but that she actually truly cared about me and she took the time in her busy busy schedule and even though she is vellllyy "high in demand".. she stil made such an effort to chill with me, help me with school, act like a big sister, encouraging me and challenging me to take charge of my own growth in God. i still have so much to learn but gosh eumie's inspired me so much.. thankyou for letting me know my life matters, that i matter. oh and spiderman =) gotta come back and teach me how to speak mandarin =P ... [favourite memory: after that strawberry daquiri at ur place and i made some noise and you were mocking me... that was pretty funny =) ... etiher that or chinese new year nite]
eumie and anita also started a cell grp for grade 11 girls... it's been.. wow. i speak for all 5 of us in saying that this has truly changed our lives and our friendships. and the fact that we can com etogether and talk about our spiritual lives to eachother... has made SUCH a difference. thankyou for showing me what i had all along.

Gee...Why? because gladys yam is cool that's why =) i automatically liked gladys the first time we hung out. for some reason, even though we didn't know eachother hardly, gladys kept asking me if i wanted to get together-- so we went out to williams one night and i remmeber her saying "i hope i never treat you like you're less or differently because you are younger. i respect you as a person and age shouldn't make a difference in that" and i was like WOW-- gosh this is the perfect person. why is everyone not like this? gladys has kept this promise. she has been over the past year, one of the *best* friends i have. making a point of actually getting together with me regularily to hang out she demonstrated from the start that she *really* cared about me... cuz as i discovered tonight, time is the most lacking and precious thing we have. and boy, even though she is insane in her schedule O_o... she always makes time for me. whether it's hanging out at whatever place, or sitting at her apartment drawing on sticky notes, or daily phone calls, or walking out in the freezing cold to st. cin's just to hear me whine about how crazy rugby practice was. i can call her sobbing, laughing, etc at allll times during the day and i mean all including at like 4 - 5 am and she'll be there for me. she knows more abotu me than anyone else in the whole world. she goes insane with me, counsels me, listens to me, shares with me about her life, and just wow. i couldn't be more blessed. and as hard as i try not to, or at least not to admit it.. i look up to her. i admire the way she carries herself, her funness, and her hardworkingness (even though we're gonna live in a cardboard box anyways haha), her culturedness, and her patience, her BALANCE =) if i would like to adopt any attitudes-- one of my top choices would be yours. thankyou for everything. don't leave without knowing that you mean the world to me.

so ... i think that's pretty much it... the point of it all is... these people showed me BIG love from God... and this love inspires me to love more and to grow and to become someone who can show more people love. and it is my hope that as you leave, you will not be leaving my life, but entering into someone else's who you can touch even more than you did mine. and that's a hell of a lot =P

"and everytime i feel afraid, i'll hold tight onto my faith, and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain." [m.c.]
another day.
[... of the day]
*sounds: the soft patter of the light drizzling rain on the ashfault, mike's dog boomboom's ... nasal congestion?
*smell: fleecy... as always =P ... [g i went in ur room and inhaled lol]
*taste: pina colada ... i wish i was somewhere tropical...
*addictions: payphones. oh my heck. "Through the Rain" by Mariah Carey

what is therapeutic?
*lying on my bed listening to "Through the Rain" at top volume... and singing along.
*a listening ear... going insane with your friends =)
* hugs. hugs are always therapeutic.

"i can make it through the rain, i can stand up once again, on my own and i know, that i'm strong enough to mend, and every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith, and i live one more day, and i make it through the rain....."

wow.
so this is what this feels like.
feelings. what are they really? ... a representation of the weak and very human person that is in you. undoubtedly a part of you, but not who you are as a whole. it's funny because i think i'm starting to realize why God placed this "horrible" situation in my life tonight. it's all sort of coming together. a week ago at tc, Dr. Dennis Ngien said this: "Maturity is the ability to control your emotions."
undoubtedly i am not very mature. those who know me know i express my emotions quite openly and fluctuate both physically and mentally with them. i've grown up being friends with people who are older than me ... like i was identifying with in my friend's blog, always wanting to catch up, always wishing i was in university too... wanting to grow up so fast. it's painful for me to see these people leave every year. especially now. people think it gets easier? it doesn't. it gets harder as i get older and treasure friendships more and more. it gets harder as you actually spend "a lot" of time with these people and get to know them on a much deeper level. they are actually a part of your life and not some voice on the other end of the wire once in a while. and you know, this year, like every year i told myself, "jasy, you're an emotional person. that's just the way it is. and that's how it's gonna be . your'e gonna be sad and that's it." somehow euming told me to read her blog and i'd read it ... but i only focussed on the parts of like being sad about leaving or the things where i was like "YEAH! i feel that too!" ... but i didn't listen.
tonight something completely unrelated and relatively traumatic happened. as i took in the words, took in the feelings every muscle on my body tensed up, my lips pursed, i closed my eyes for a second and ... i started crying so much. incontrollably. i have been crying for the past two hours. bitter and angry and sad and this feeling that is like devastation but worse and i can't describe it. despairity? ... i dunno. i'm not great with words. so i just cried and sat there thinking "so what now God? what do i do now?!" ... i ended up telling my parents what happened. well they said something that didn't hit me until now. and it was like *pop* that's it! ... they said "you know, this is just a part of God's plan... His big plan that you can't see right now... and He's prepared someone else for you that is gonna be so much better... there's a purpose that this happened and maybe He's even using it to show you something." and yeah i kinda brushed it off cuz i know all the parts abotu there being someone prepared for me that is perfect for me and i believe it. but i guess why this hurt me was not because of what i did and did not get. but it was because of my questioning of my worth, the questioning of the value of my friendship, and just... feeling like.... like nothing. and the knowing that it's no one's fault and the knowing that i should only want the best for such a close friend, knowing these things only hurt me more. becuase i realized how incredibly weak i am. but you know the part that hit me just now and made everythign come together? "maybe He's even trying to show you something." wow. how sad is it that God has to blow it up this much in my face in order for me to listen? . everything is in His plan. and He has a grand purpose for everything. that includes whether or not whatever guy likes me or not or whatever happens with my friends or whatever amazing people are leaving my life. and wow. should i not be rejoicing because maybe what happened tonight will make this guy a better person? or will build my close friend up perhaps? teach them both something too?... and maybe when these amazing people seem to be walking out of my life they are really just walking into someone else's. someone else that might build *them* up... and someone else that they may give just as much love to as they did me. should i not be rejoicing for them? and so that's where i am right now. i guess yah, i feel a little broken... a little cold... but... continually reminding myself that it's all under control ... God's control. and *everything* has a purpose. mr. ball said that something without meaning in writing is a slip of the author because it is a missed opportunity to do something great. God doesn't slip. whatever doesnt' kill me will make me stronger. i think He's trying to teach me to give it all up to Him. to trust Him all the more... "maturity is the ability to control your emotions" i think this means giving it all up to God. i think this means not letting your emotions control *you*, who you are, and what you do. i'm still learning... but hey, practice makes perfect.

humility
Lord grant me self control and humility.... fill my heart with love... replace this burning desire for hatred in me ...
i never realized how difficult it was to act with grace and humility... while your whole body is screaming "don't touch me! don't yell at me! don't talk about my family like that!" your whole body tensing up wanting so badly to swing that punch ... your lips pursing wanting to spew out four letter words... yet your mind and heart clinging on to the desire to act with respect and love in the house of the Lord and consistently praying for self control. i thought i had none. i was right but God was kind enough to give me some today. i am so thankful that in this mental war my "stubborn, big mouthed child" side didn't win out. maybe i am growing up a little =)
tears feel so good ...
thankyou for your love and comfort: jo, pt, bun, kat, mom, dad, and anyone else who offered a smile or a hug =)

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change... and to maintain self control . by loving him and not seeking revenge i will heap burning coals on his head. forgiveness will take a bit of time though....
much prayer needed.

God is good ... all the time...
i was not prepared for TC. i hadn't taken the time out to pray and ask God to open my heart and speak to me.
but once again... God showed me His grace, love, and mercy despite my shortcomings...
even though my stubborness caused me to be upset wtih not getting the workshop i picked, or being on the team with my friends that i knew, He showed me that sometimes when things don't seem to work out it's all jsuta part of His plan. and He spoke to me through the workshops, and He showed me that by not having the person on my team taht i wanted on my team, i was able to focus completely on Him and not be distracted by other things or people. not that He didn't allow me to meet many great people though, cuz indeed i did.
if there's two things i got out of this TC...
1) not my will but Yours oh lord... God knows what He's doing... no matter how "wrong" things seem to get i need to continue trusting Him, trusting in His wisdom and love ..
2) i am really motivated to change my life around. no, i don't go around doing crazy illegal things or whatnot... btu there are thingsi do that could be a stumbling block to others, things i do that don't reflect God's love in me... and i just want to let go and let God mold me into who He wants me to be. i'm afraid of change. afraid to grow up... but i trust Jesus enough to stop hanging on to the past and allow Him to guide me into being a better Christian, a better vessel for Him...
"oh God let us be a generation that seeks to seek your face oh God of Jacob..."

just got home from london...

i had the BEST few days =) was a complete blast =)... western is gorgeous.
funny thing... i went to three classes with di : calculus, chemistry, and biology ... and i only completely stayed awake for one: calculus! hahahaha =) .. lol....
so weird man. i thot bio would be the most interesting... maybe cuz i was worn outfrom the first two classes? ... or maybe it was the powerpoint presentation. -_-... no music or anything hahaha... plus the prof had a *really* nice soothing voice... lol unlike the calculus prof who was absolutely hilarious because he has a really thick accent causing me to hear "DA RE DADA" the whole time he was talking abotu derivitives... lol we did a bunch of stuff including having dinner with jeff (who lives in london)at jackasters YUm.. but sooo filling.
anyways i could go on and on about everthing we did.. but not get to the point at all. it was really mostly about spending time with heidi. what was so cool ws like...sort goign in a time machine.. i mean, we're from her "past" or whatever.. and just ... seeing what her life is like now... what she sees and walks through every day... the peopl that influence her and her life. it was really great. to be able to see what's helped her grow and shape her more =)... just. wow. i miss that girl . hung out with her and then now i miss her more. heh. i like cried as the bus pulled away from the terminal. wow guys. we're growing up.

that moment
was talking to my mom about guys i've dated and got me thinking about sweet home alabama ... "so i can kiss you any time i want" ... and... well... i've never kissed a guy.
i know the right guy is out there. I'm just not going to kiss a whole bunch of losers to get to him. i take kissing a little bit like sex. something i wanna keep for the best guy possible.
and i remembered something Josie said in Never Been Kissed ... about that "moment"... this is what i want when i finally meet him.:
"That thing. That moment. You kiss someone and it's like the world around you gets all hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this other person and you know that one person is the person you're meant to be kissing for the rest of your life. And for that one moment you've been given this amazing gift and you want to laugh and cry at the same time because you're so lucky you found it, and so scared that it will all go away."
also i want my foot to pop
.. no i do not live in a dream world =P it'll happen. i knoooowwwww it'll happen =)

p.s. why are the links not workin?... euniecorn*click click* ... eunie's blog... has really caused me to think a lot about my life... things around me and... life in general... check it out.

HAPPY 17th BDAY to my sexy friend TARYN ^_^ [hun you are amazing =) don't ever change thanks for being such a sweetie all the time luv ya lots and lots]
went to a surprise party tonite =) lol so much fun! a big "girl's nite" =) definitely dont' hang wit my school friends enuff ... forget sometimes what a blast they are =)
so yah ate a lot of chips and dip ( can still taste the garlic), danced to some SeanPaul (sp?) .. well actually i just played papparazzi because i can't dance whatsoever =P , and watched most of Sweet Home Alabama (so ooooo cute!) all the while laughing our asses off ... never a dull moment =) also got to chill with Taryn's ADORABLE 7mth yr old baby sister Summer Lynn Leslieanne Tumes ^_^ AWW
below:
1. the chip dip i couldn't get away from =P 2. LOL ... insano dora shakin her ass at annie,shauna, tara and taryn 3.lara and her special butt wiggle thing whatever it was called... 4. left to right : tara, kathy(taryn's mom), lara, taryn, susi, SUMMER, ian =) 5. ian giving taryn the cake... she's almost gonna blow out the candles 6.Taryn and her mom =)



below:
top row: lara, taryn, susi, shauna, liz
middle: jenn, steph, kat
on the ground: jo, dora, annie, jasy, tara
mia: em and erin! =P

bits and bites

i didn't realize cal wasn't on my links... he is linked on my failed attempt at a webpage =P ... but yah..
CAL: the perfect man LOL... too bad all the perfect guys are taken =) lol hahaha click on his name since there is something wrong with blogger links =P

is it better to have a completely sheltered life or a life that's not sheltered at all?
... i have a few thoughts but i want to think about it more... being completely sheltered may cause some sort of an imprisonment leading to a burst to break free... perhaps more chaos than someone who isn't sheltered at all... perhaps the will to do whatever will be spread out in smaller sections over time rather than a big build up and explosion... not sure tho...

thinking about women's rights relating to the Bible.... i've believed in completely equality for as long as i know.... i know God loves us all equally and gives us the same importance.. but.... i need to wrap my head around this "roles" thing.... hmm...

march break in 2 days. ... freedom... i can smell it already.

i ask ppl if they are mad at me too much. man it is completely unconcious. i dont' notice that i do this.
BAH.
gotta stop. but there is no real stop between my brain and my mouth... my filter has large holes. =P see and then when i realize it i just wanna be like "ar eyou mad at me for asking if you're mad at me too many times?" BLAH. >_<

i hurt.
yesterday was the first day of rugby practice.
i've decided nto to discuss as much of the actual things we did and more so what i felt about it.
there is something that i would like to mention though... two things actually.
1) in the two hours of practice we didn't stop running for more than 10 sec at a time... and these were few and far between...
2) the stairs. i will never gaze upon the stairs of my school in the same way ever again.
.... buttt... overall i had a lot of lot of fun!!! =) kekeke =)
the only parts where i didn't have fun were a) the stairs: honestly by the third time... i saw stars ... and nothing else. my legs were jelly ... and well yes. it wasn't exactly pleasant. not to mention that i was the last person to start and hence the last to finish... and ended up having to run to the weight room to catch up to everyone... by the end of that whole stairs ordeal (across second floor, up to fourth, across fourth down to second over and over and over...) my sinus's were all running, my throat was clenched and i had no voice, and my legs were complete jelly.
and if that wasn't enough.... b) when i got to the weight room only two seconds after the girl before me... i was met by my last year's careers teacher who loves me and is soooper nice to me all the time and gosh i was like "YES" in my head ... BUT ... he starts like yelling at me about how i should have gotten there quicker and like getting all pissy when i aksed to go to the bathroom to clear my sinuses =P ii was SOOOOOO upset. i think i learned something yesterday i dont' deal well with people yelling at me. actually i shoudl have noticed that before cuz i think about when i get mad ... a lot of the time it's a cause of ppl yelling at me . geez man. dont' yell at me! but i told myself to suck it up and i promised myself i was not gonna cry or whine during practice. and i didn't! =) of course when i met up with g afterwards, i whined a hell of a lot. but meh =P haha.. anyways i didn't realize how upset i was about the whole mr. ranton yelling at me thing until i saw him today to ask him about when i needed to figure out my course selections stuff.. i could hardly speak to him i was so mad and he's just like whoa... are you ok? and i was like whatever. you are so mean. and he's like huh? why am i mean? and i was like *glare* well yah you were just freakin yelling at me yesterday and blablablabla and honestly i got so upset i started crying HAHAHA... ahhhhh... =P ... soooo... yeah i was just in his office he was being SO nice to me... he's like oh my gosh i'm soooo sorry it was totally not personal bla;blabla... and he gave me chocolate =) *grin* ... i didn't want to be a wuss but honestly i just couldn't help it i cry when i'm mad. but he said he actually respects me for telling him and stuff which is cool.. plus i guess i am really sensitive because i've never really played on an intense sports team before (i dont' count dragon boating as intense lol sooo... yah... just came as a really big shock. but it felt really good to let it out.

everyone prolly thinks i'm a baby now =P .

i dont' care i am NOT =P i'm a big tuff rugby girl HAHAHA =)

*the weekend* =)
or .. well... most of it =)

friday... i did homework... heh. not much fun ... oh! but heidi and jo came over for a bit and we had fun with the sound recorder on my comp =) hehehehe =)i would post some of it up for your listening pleasure but.... it would be entirely too embarressing plus i dunno how =)

saturday... was the day of the big three ppl surprise party thingy hahaha =)[happy birthday auntie sandy, wayne and happy belated pastor tim!] was pretty cool =) turned out pretty well.. enuff food for everyone and enuff chairs for everyone =) yay .. haha... a day of firsts i'd have to say. in the afternoon we made sushi =) YUMMO =) brendan came over to help =) it was the first time brendan's come over =)prolly because i dunno brendan lol =) well not really anyways but he is hilarious and it was a lotta fun so me dora brendan and heidi and jo(later) made sum sushi for da partee... but i didn't take any pics of that. all i took pics of was dora and brendan eating pistaccio's in my room lol ... afterwards we headed off to mikey's to make wonton and spring rolls but after that we got a craving for bbls so brendan tiff dora and i went to sweet dreams ... it was tiff's first time trying bbl tea!! =) ... she didn't like it =P bah. hahah...

a lot of ppl showed up that were unexpectedbut it was cool =) nice nice nice =)... it was only semi surprising lol they all knew there was gonna be a surprise party just... they didn't know who it was gonna be for.. except pastor tim figured it out ... he always does lol =)... and being chinese they did this whole bday ppl have to kiss their spouse/girlfriend thing LOL ... and allthe ppl were jumping around (including me) playing paparazzi =) *ahem* for ur viewing pleasure haha: lol sorry jess =)


sunday... actually... it's still sunday =)but i am gonna end up just doing more homework... until 7:30 when i have a practice for multicultural show at church...
lead sings today... oh my gosh those kids make me so frustrated sometimes. .. i mean... like ppl are like tell them if they don't shut up that they have to come up to the front and lead with you. and i can't do that. i can't and won't turn worship into some sort of horrible punishment. *sigh* God... show me what to do... please... -_-
jeh jeh was up today! =) yay! haven't seen for a long time =)twas nice... went and met up with her at pita factory... pluss...... guess who i met finally?
vidaloca!!! kekeke =)yes it is a big deal cuz when u talk to someone so often online but never actually meet in person... well it's cool when u finally do =) *grin*


so that's my weekend in a nutshell =) oh wow what an "events" post =P... heh well i'm tired of just venting thoughts all the time events are cool once in a while =)... gonna go do some more homework =P

rugby ... starts on monday
i am SO SCARED. i'm gonna end up crying and throwing up too =P i *feel* it like.. i kno i'm gonna
supposedly the first week of practices are hell. oh my goooodnesss... *soooooo nervous*

so hard to come clean. i have the desire to be honest with ppl i care about. but yet... still so afraid... not because of lack of trust but just because... no matter how objective someone is ... knowing someone has O_o thoughts... can still change ur perspective of them.. i guess... *sigh* but i'm getting there. two down, one to go.

what is a definition of a close friend? -- i decided to make it the people i trust most. [disclaimer: i am not saying that they neccessarily view me as a close friend in return ... i am just saying that these are the types of people that are close to ME because they know parts of me i'd rather have in the dark.] i was thinking to myself... okay so my close friends are the ones i trust... well who do i trust then? i talk to so many people... abotu so many different things... hwo do i decifer whether or not i reallllly trust someone? (because i obviously do not walk around thinking about my level of trust for everyone all the time). i have come to this conclusion. i am pretty open about stuff generally because i do not like to be fake and i don't like to hide myself. how can u develope friendships if all u do is hide? ... so people tend to know things about me and the way i feel. two things exceed this -- these being my spiritual life and my dark side. i have a lot of trouble talking about my spiritual walk with people. sometimes people will be like "you seem to try to change the subject every time God comes up" ... it's just becuase it's so personal for me... id unno why but .. stuff like that is just SO personal... Jesus is really important to me. He is an *intimate* part of me. people think that all i think about is guys and crap and that guys are on my mind more than God is... but it's just because guys are less important and less close to me than God is which is why i so easily open up about it and i guess it gives off the impression that that is all it hink about. (altho i do admit boys *are* on my mind alot but come *on* i am still a girl =P) anyways that is why i tend to shy away from talks about God and my spiritual life.. this does not apply to questions about the bible etc which is fine for me to talk about...
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.

*thankyou*

p.s. eumie is cool and showed me how to put a song on here ... LISTEN =D
it only plays once because she said it is too annoying to have an infinite loop =P is *not* haha
anyways listen to my cool cool song =)

question:
why did John Mayer say he was 16 at the grammy's last night but when i looked it up apparently he is 25. O_o ...
i thought there was hope after all too... =P hahaha... his body is a wonderland kekekeke =P

winter wondersol
lol went to waterloo park today with dora kat jo heidi and ... yeah ok. just them haha =) twas sooo funn... dora read the "wonders of winter" as wondersol winter .. gotta go see those lights next year... used to go every year but i've been missing them for a couple...
anyways the animals are STILL OUT! =) well =) and =( becuase... well they must be somewhat cold but i guess they can go inside if they really want to... there was a donkey, goats, bunnies =) , turkies(so scary), and deer.. deer are my favourite they were following me =) and also tehy eat outta ur hand =) sooooo pretttyyyy =) ... the bunnies are really cute but they don't even come very close for very long so u can pet them =P we wandered down the path and ended up coming to the playground near the water park thingy... anyways this playground has FLAT SWINGS =) these being swings that are like... a big plate/ saucer... me and kat shared one and dora and kat shared one and di was taking pictures and yeah ...we were kinda chicken to stand up but jo and dora stood up =P twas soooo fun =) and tehnnnnnnn... i made a SNOWANGEL!! =D kekeke i jumped into the snow just to do that and it was awesome until dora was mean and wrecked it =P BLAH hahhaa... anyways i have fun with those girlies =) haven't doone something like that for a while =) go to waterloo park .. *see*? waterloo is the BEST .

in memory of Pansy Lam
went to Auntie Pansy's memorial service today... i didn't know her taht well but she was a really really nice person and continued to have an amazing faith in God and a visible peace about her even as her life was slipping away... please take some time to remember the Lam family in your prayers especially my friend Jeff and his dad Henry. thanks

opposite day
lol had the opportunity to meet some ppl today... including a spunky girl named Jasmine she has so much pizazz u wouldn't guess that she's 7... unless u look at her that is =P but hey, age shouldn't draw judgement anyways =) and another 7 year old Sam, the kid of the pastor of London Chinese Alliance, who's so what grownups would call "gwie" no not strange.. =P more like "good" haha.. anyways these two are hilarious they're like best friends and yah... oh my goodness here is an amusing conversation they had with my friend Jeff today...:
[jasmine and sam are punching jeff]
jasmine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sam: does this hurt?
jeff: no... i mean yeah it hurts so much. stop . stop.
jasmine: nuh UHHHH... it's OPPOSITE DAY! hahahaha
sam: that means you said keep punching you!
jeff: WELLLL..... if it's opposite day and you say it's opposite day then that means it's not really opposite day
jasmine: well then it's not opposite day!
jeff: ok. then it's not opposite day.

lol lol lol