thankyou! ... thanks dp for fixing my computer!!! although now i think i did something to wmp *sigh*

off to toronto ... my eumie's getting marrieeeeed!

what's worse? ... not saying anything becuase you know that's best but having them think you're just a jerk? or saying something so they know why you act the way you do but ruining everything at the same time?

haha yesterday jo kat and i went to stag shop... disturbed. deeply disturbed. and kat kept bumping into the penis piniata (sp?) lol

the downfalls of having a broken computer are ... well, for one you have to use your family's really really slow one for everything. and i have no lap top so i am just stuck in this room on this slow computer trying to finish this stupid paper. i think i've lost my touch. i need to take a break. if i didn't, i think i might have face planted into my book. losing it i tell ya... so sad. although, i enjoy english essays a lot more than history becuase english gives you mcuh more of an opportunity for bs. =)

the second thing is i have no music on this computer. so i use wm guide to listen to songs off the internet and since i am writing a paper and do not have the time to continually change the song, i have been listening to the same song for an hour straight. i know i usually overplay songs but it's different when you do it on purpose and when you don't.

and i can't photoshop. *death* ... and i miss rez allnighters becuase at least i had drinks RIGHT beside me in my fridge because i am way too chicken to go downstairs in the middle of the night to get a drink. *sigh* i miss our culligan. hehe

oh the laughs

kreazeless. sometimes i forget how much we just LAUGHED when we were together. seriously we are the dream team when it comes to entertaining eachother. never a dull moment.
last june, when we were at the beaches in toronto we decided to go see "The Notebook" (eeeee!!) and toniht we were trying to portray the "say i'm a bird scene" via our msn names hahaha (no lives noted.) my name was "say i'm a bird", dora's was "you're a bird", kat's was "now say you're a bird" and jo's was "if you're a bird, i'm a bird" haha the conversation goes as such:

-take one-
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
ok so gotta go in orderrrrr
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
me, dora, kat, jo
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
jasmine
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
ok
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
oh oops
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
start over
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
hahahhahahaha
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
*slams head on desk*
-cut-

-take 2-
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
jasmine
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
dora
[five min later...]
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
kat you suck
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
HAHHAHA
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
she sucks
Gigglypuss --> mikey's --- now say you're a bird says:
whahhhtGigglypuss --> mikey's --- now say you're a bird says:
ooh i get it
-cut-

-take 3-
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
jasmine
moomoobear : say i'm a bird. says:
jasmine
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
dora
Gigglypuss --> mikey's --- now say you're a bird says:
kat
[five min later...]
Dora dora bo bora ~ you're a bird. says:
*death*
-cut-

by the end of the night we FINALLY got it right. we even colour coordinated!! haha... so great:



reborn: i'm glad that humor comes to you on such a "close knit friend" level... (cuz, waiki, pt and myself were just looking at each other.... while kat laughed and laughed)
YOU said it herm! ... only kreazeless.
i miss my best friends in the whole world being all together.

loud and clear

alison always says that sometimes the only way to get through to me is just to yell at me. which is kinda sad but true considering i think God has to do that alot too... "Look at me!!! listen to me!!!! i'm HERE!!! why can't you see that??!?! why can't you see that no one else matters??!" i dunno.

all i know is that right now i feel as if everyone important to me is falling away from me... i feel more abandoned, displaced, unwanted, and alone than i have in a long while and you know what? i think i'm SUPPOSED to feel like this. the frickin creator of the universe loves the crap out of me and all i want to do is go and be with some guy who treats me like a piece of dog feces. or a guy who will never see the beauty that God sees in me. or even my best friends who do have their own lives and priorities no matter how tightly i try to hang on.

but why... why even knowing all of this can't i let go?

"It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone" g.o.

my new theme song... "dai goh" ... this "Janice" girl is awesome -- discovered by annato hehe ... she is soooooo goood!!! haha i feel so fob but i dont' care cuz she's GOOD. and this is like MY song. *sigh*

questions (the b word)

what do i want? what does he want? why don't his actions match his words? why am i such a girl? why do i care? why is he suddenly so into her? why was i so stupid? why did i push him away? why do i regret it so much now? why would i do anythign to keep him? why do i know i'm retarded but i still keep feeling like this? why are you here? why do we fit? why do i want him but i love you? why do i think i love you? why is everything so comfortable? why can't you just ....?

becuase of him, i get so upset whenever you say something jokingly mean... whenever you playfully hit me ... becuase i'm scared you're what he is...

why doesn't anyone want me? why do i need someone to?

why do i even bother?

lost
so last night i think i lost the person i trust most in the entire world. actually no i should say i just realized things weren't what i thought... it's my fault for being such a stupid kid. it just really hurts me when i realize that what i see in something isn't exactly reciprocated. i'm learning though. i'm putting walls back up. and maybe eventually i'll even learn how not to take them down in the first place.

sunglasses
i wore my new sunglasses today :) i like them but i still miss my superdork ones. awww those were soo... unique! haha 9/10 ppl i saw this morning were wearing sunglasses.
i wish it was sunny all the time but hte temperature was like... fall ish.

time for apologies

12:19 - i'm sorry for calling in the middle of the night. i'm sorry for putting burdens on you, for not being able to get it together. i'm sorry for telling you things that make you worry and for worry about and asking about you even though sometimes all you want is to be alone.

01:20 - sorry for going all psycho. really, i had/have no right. i dont' know what came over me. for an instant i found that 13-14 year old me coming back. i mean, who am i to want/expect to be before him right? who am i to expect antyhign really. i'm just some stupid kid who hates finding out she means a lot less to people than they do to her. oh wait, you already know that. in fact, you know almost everything about me. and yet... i'd better stop. this is getting embaressing. anywyas, you can stop wasting your time on me so this is great! :)

07:23 - i'm sorry for blaming you for so much of what's going wrong in my life. for taking everything you do and being so angry about it. i'm sorry that i make you mad and get you doing or saying things to me that you'd probably rather not say.

07:25 - i'm sorry that everytime we talk we have nothing to say or we fight. i dont' knwo what happened. i'm sorry for not growing up fast enough.

10:23-11:03 - sorry for not treating you guys better especially since you're pretty much the only ones i can even count on right now. maybe i'm pushing you guys away . and that's why things are going how they are going. i'm happy for you, i really am, but i can't help but question what the crap is wrong with me.

16:02 - i'm apologizing for something that you dont' know i did. you dont' know i feel. i love how things are, and i would wish they would stay like this forever... except .. somehow i screwed up and started wanting more. i'm sorry for falling.

my only consolation is HBA. =)

wound tight

i am so incredibly stressed out it's like... *pullhairout* kind of stressed... panic stress... everything is coming up so fast and maybe its that i have no time-management skills or maybe that i committed to too many things? ...
i dunno. i feel like alot of ppl do a lot more things than me but are not as stressed out.
there's coffeehouse promo stuff, coffeehouse insight cover and question thign, big insight cover and back cover, SCHOOL, and starting to think about frosh connexxions insight. oh, and getting a freakin job. and to top it all off-- my COMPUTER gets a flippin VIRUS so that it is impossible for me to do the insight stuff or print off my resume or type my stupid course stuff ... which i am now doing on my family's really slow computer.

i just wish i could run away and pretend that i didn't have to do any of these things becuase you know what? i think i'm proving everyone right. i can't do anything and i am incompetant.
just sometimes i get so overwhelmed like yesterday with worship i just could NOT lead. so i got victor to and nwo i just feel like certain ppl think i am a cop out or whatever. i dont' mean to disappoint i just ... maybe i am just not cut out for this kind of stuff.

God give me strength. gotta keep going. no giving up today. like laura says "you figure out what you have to do for you, and when you feel like giving up you tell yourself no and make yourself keep going"

move move move. i'm out.

out of the blue

pieces of me... "ohhh it feels like i can finally rest my head on something real, i like the way that feels. ohhh it's as if you know me better than i ever knew myself, i love how you can tell" ...
feeding my own friggin obsession. soooo stupiiidddd.

the new BT place doesnt' have smaller portions.. they just have smaller BOWLS. i actually think the portions are bigger.

... hard to believe. things will be so different around here without these faces.

... i like toronto. and old friends. and comfortableness. and david tao haha... only thing i dont' like is heat stroke. blahhhh on the crazy summer sun.

and now... back to nobody.

True Story : Ginny Owens

I am a gifted artist
I've learned to paint this canvas well
I work until I've finished
An ideal image of myself
But you know better

I am a storyteller
Quite brilliant, if I do say so
I tell them tales they want to hear
And they believe it's me they know
But you know better

Chorus:
You see my imperfections
Still You say I'm a masterpiece
A marvelous reflection
The image of Yourself in me
You paint with strokes of grace
Undoing my disguise
You say beauty lies in the true story

The world might think me foolish
If they could see beneath my mask
They might find my dreams laughable
Or be embarrassed by my past
But you know better

(Chorus)

Of where I've been
And where you've brought me to
Of who I am
All because of you

i'm a week late :P

but it's july.

i want to go to the backstreet boys concert!!!!!

and i wanna sleep.

but i can't seem to get there.

(oh.......... and if you see me, then show me.)

my very first "stalker"

hahaha :P...
well.. sort of. so i was sitting at mikey's today msning on herman's laptop and suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and puts this folded piece of paper on the table next to me and then leaves the restaurant. so i open the piece of paper up and on it are this guy's name, phone number, and msn hahahha ... omg i couldn't stop laughing haha...

anyways i was amused... creeped out... and slightly flattered :P... but yeah.. its' kind of creepy but doesnt' hold a finger to janna and her many stalkers during the year haha but janna's hot and i'm really not so this came as a shock haha

oh geez. haha tahnks to "sid" for some entertainment in my otherwise mundane life. :P

p.s. i'm loving the photo uploading from blogger. saves me so much time :D

the rain that once flourished the flower
has beaten it flat to the grass
its pinks weep across browns

except that i am not a flower
and perhaps
it was my hearing that was distorted
and not your words that flourished me

let me wish
bare like the moon for a minute
that i were more than a favour, company, spite
that i were
more to you (too)
even though i can never say

i'm lit like rain with hate and love. and no one has a clue.

perspective

"I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believ'e that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on." Rick Warren (PDL guy)

and i have so much to work on.
prayer requested:
... a servant-like heart and attitude.
... to be able to balance my emotions with rational thought haha
... a consistent desire to glorify God in all i do... not up down up down... but always...? is that possible?

this one was stolen from jo's blog... taken from Tuesdays With Morrie (which i have yet to read)...it's like... the author is talking TO me... haha...:

"Don't cling onto things, because eveyrthing is impermanent. detachment [from things] doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. ON the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. that's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to goa ll the way through wthem, you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. Afraid of the pain, the grief, the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully. You KNOW what pain is, what LOVE is, what grief is. And only then, can you say "alright. I have experienced that emotion, i recognize it. Now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment..."

INCREDIBLE.
but ... HOW!??!?

excuse me

excuse me but i need to say

AHHHRHHGHHHGHHHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!!!!!

i'm struggling with myself. with balancing what i see with what others see with not caring too much what others see with accepting constructive criticism.
struggling with my desire to become more of a woman of God... with the part of me that is confused and angry about things that are happening in my life.
sometimes i want to be proactive. do something about things... look past whatever and strive to be a constructive person... look for what God wants to do-- how is this a part of His perfect plan?
and then there are other times, i jsut want to give up because i'm so overwhelmed and it seems like it wouldn't really make a difference if i just lay down and died.
i have a lot of fears. if you know me you know i'mlike terrified of everything... i'm scared of change. and of the future. and right now... I"M SCARED. is that a crime?!?!?...

i dont' really know what i am trying to say. maybe just that it hurts me when people i thought were close to me don't understand me at all... or when they seem to get angry when i'm not being the most "mature" about eveyrthing... or when my priorities aren't in line... or when i just need reassurance... or when...

oh . right. evyerthing i do seems wrong these days. i guess i just dont' understand why people get upset with me. and i'm not talking about one specific person, it's several people.

why do people get angry/frustrated/disappointed when i dont' think or do or say the right things? when i'm upset about how things are? or when i just want to give up?
maybe i just need a tiny bit of support. since when are you supposed to get MAD at your friends for having problems?!?!... i'm not doing anything to anyone.... i dunno .

i can't even word this properly i'm just so frustrated and sad and scared and ...
i dunno. is that wrong? it seems like eveyrone else has a right to be those things except for me.

time travel

this is Jeremy Tao. (dont' make fun of how ugly i look in this picture please its from a lonnnnnnng time ago.)

jer used to go to UW... i met him when i was nine and he graduated university when i was in grade SEVEN. in my old old old "yahoo photos" page where i found this picture, i gave it the caption "superman". cuz yeha. jeremy loves superman. and when i was a kid... he was my superman. my big brother. my hero. he went to kwcac and taught sunday school but NEVER to me but somehow he still gave me special attention and brought me kinder surprises and took time to talk to me and hang out with me. he'd remember my birthday, send me emails on valentine's day, and in the beginning after he graduated, jeremy visited. he always made me feel special and cared for. as a kid, i can truly say, i believed that jeremy was the COOLEST BEST guy in the entire world.

today, jeremy got married. (congratulations!!!!!!!!!)

and i was so nervous... SOOOOoooOOOOOOoo nervous to go. see the thing is, when i was a kid i hung around with a lot of university students... talked to a lot of them... treasured alot of them. these people (well some of them) watched me grow up for four/five years of my life. these people inspired me. built me up. there were people about whom i DECLARED as a child, "i want to be JUST like her when i grow up", poeple who inspired me to seek after God, people who took care of me, people who believed in me. people i grew really emotionally attached to.

(i saw all these people minus kat and jo(obviously) and jeanne tonite. three of them are married. gahhhh)

some of these relationships were actually errr real i guess... and some of them remain strong to this day... some of them, because of distance and time were somewhatly severed, and some of them i think were just not what i percieved them to be. and today, i knew i was going to see some of these epople again... some of whom i havent' seen in years ... and just... i guess i was afraid for old feelings to come back. old wounds? old attachments? ... or afraid to see that everything was a lie? ... especially since lately, i've been hanging on to the "old days" alot. the times where people actually thought i was worth something. what if i saw these people and realized they never thought that at all?.. then what?

so i saw people today. and i survived. i can't say that every encounter was so meaningful. and to be honest there were some that i was really disappointed with. and i couldn't really "be myself" around alot of these people. but i AM very very grateful for the relationships that God has allowed me to keep... namely my ga, alan, janice... ppl like that...
and i am so thankful for jeremy. RIGHT before we left he was saying "some of you i havent' seen in so long because of distance or busyness... but you've made an impact on my life". i'm so thankful for the impact that all of these people have had on my life. and i'm so thankful for the impact that JEREMY has had on my life. i found teh card he wrote me when he graduated the other day... he said "so how's jr. high? lots of cute guys? anway, it was really cool getting to know you! i still think its amazing how you can talk to everyone! dont' worry, you will find lots of people to talk to after i leave (but you can still write me). The kids at church really look up to you and i know that you will continue to be a good role model and 'Big sister' to them. well, hope school and life go well, write me sometime and let me know what you're up to okay? And happy birthday. hope it's a great one! Your Friend, Jeremy"
...look at us now.

annnnnnnnnd
a bazillion thanks to carson who drove all the way to stc to drive me to richmond hill for the reception and then waited with me while i freaked out about seeing people and where to put my bag. and also drove around in circles over and over and over. haha you're a gem.
and to devinka who came to save me from my strandedness at t3c and then shop with me for TWO hours just to find a dress. haha :P ... i lub you dev paivaaaaa :D

and now we know

- the reason why it is neccessary for me to obtain false identification.
- the priorities of our best friend
- your number on the list
- the pride in your soul
- the number of times i cried tonight (five.)

"is it a night for raspberry tears?"
says the moon in hidden betrayal
the sheen of rain cutting like a blade

and now we know.

1,2,3, thankyous...

jobanana

doing silly things like raspberry ladie and taking pictures in teapots. being a constant this term. oh not to mention the past 15 years. for rides everywhere. for non stingyness especially now. movies. we like movies. i dont' say it enough...

pink

calling again and again. sticking around despite my ... me-ness. distrupting your day for me. laughs. jojo aaron auntie helen uncle kin and patrick. full house. a taste of last term and some comfortability. "things are different now". <3

shabba

ga jeh. since i was a little kid... huge helpings of your "pie" haha. dinner. believing. the way we can talk away 3, 4, 5 hrs like its nothing at all. driving me all the friggin way back to loo. "God's raving!" haha. we fit. and i love that and i love YOU. haha mushmushmush blehhhh...

"light will guide you home... and ignite your bones... and i will try to fix you."

on "better"

i take it all back.

ha. i'm almost laughing at my stupidity.

"... her hazard signs are all out."

and today? i'm on another escape. i thought those were over but apparently not.
space. time. air.

breathe.