ok, so now i wish i was back in t.o./sauga

i hate the 519. maybe it's just not wanting to be where there are expectations. thats' why i didn't want to go to toronto this wknd... dreading people and their expectations.
and now i'm back in waterloo and i'm just... i dunno. trying to hide away?...
i feel so anti-social it's weird. maybe it's pms or maybe the "social butterfly" has hidden away for good. i just ...dont' want to make any effort at all. i dont' want to pretend like i'm happy to see people if i'm not. and i don't want to talk to people about "what's been going on" ... there is nothing to tell. and even if there was. i don't feel like telling people useless facts about my life for the time that they were absent.

i had such a good weekend thoughhhh ... had spring rolls TWICE. went to hollister THREE times. saw bee, went to 'mean girls mall' with mamalaura, KREAZELESS reunited (which pretty much never ever happens), tried indian food, got sunglasses* from h&m hehe, anddddd had street meat!...

and then we drove into loo and i wanted to hide away.
(&watch cruel intentions && call jannamae)

between the goodbyes and hellos and the lazyness and the business
it's all kind of just blurry
it's like practically nothing is significant enough to put down into words
i just don't really care about much lately...?

(well) i did get an interview for wednesday so that's nice

and i'm on an escape to the toronto this weekend... although right about now i'm not sure if i'd rather just stay home... (and drive around and around and around a parking lot under the stars)
but at least i get to see doraaaaa! :)

"nothing to prove, cuz it's you and me (and all of the people)"

stalker?

i'm pretty sure someone thinks i'm stalking him. but i'm honestly, truly not.

He knows who i am, i'm sure of it. the way he looks at me in recognition, that ability to acknowledge someone but wait- you _don't_ actually know eachother. 'How is this possible?' you may ask-- i'm ashamed to say it but... facebook. he knows me from facebook. we have 8 friends in common and i'm pretty sure we know eachother's names. or maybe i just know his because he also ran for feds.

anyways... i always see him on campus. i ran into him at the movies the other day. i was standing behind him in line for yogen fruz. he looked at me as if to say something and then looked away. and then it was just awkward. and thennnn yesterday i was at dc and he was at the computer behind me and he kind of gave me this weird look.

so i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm following him. and i'm not. so i'm not sure whether to find this hilarious or be embaressed. :P

did i mention i'm done? :P

finished finals on tuesday and since then have been joyfully bumming around.
i went to Oasis the other day with kat and that was pretty cool so i think i'm going to volunteer there over the summer. just have to go in for the training sessions.
also, the other day, anna and i went to waterloo park and played guitar under the sun and blue sky ... it was really nice even though i suck at guitar to be able to spend a bit of time with anna and just relax in the beautiful spring weather. and marilyn came up to visit that night! and emz maril kat and i went to morty's .. mmm wings my happiest nighttime food. <3

and then on friday mel and lue got baptised! congrats! and we had lunch at thai viet and even though i dont' like the food, it was nice to be able to chill with kat alice steph and mel and the rest of ccf who was at kwcac for good friday.

tonight amanda kat and i went to see v for vendetta and it was awesome. dora was right about alot of good quotes. but i'm also a little disturbed. everytime i watch movies like that it makes me question the truth in what we percieve the world to be. and uncertainty like that makes me feel so unsafe.

anwyays-- it's EASTER. a time to remember. becca emailed out this quote that i really love. it kind of explains one of the reasons why i'm such a camera whore. :P

"Memory implies a certain act of redemption. What is remembered has been saved from nothingness. What is forgotten has been abandoned. If all events are seen, instantaneously, outside time, by a supernatural eye, the distinction between remembering and forgetting is transformed into an act of judgment, into the rendering of justice, whereby recognition is close to being remembered, and condemnation is close to being forgotten. Such a presentiment, extracted from man's long, painful experience of time, is to be found in varying forms in almost every culture and religion, and, very clearly, in Christianity." (John Berger, "Uses of Photography", p58)

anyhow, it may not be through photograph, but through the distinction of a DAY, that causes the world to remember the death and resurrection of Christ--- really, it is remembering the biggest, craziest, most unique love of all time and how it SAVED the world. Not that this shoud not be remembered daily, or without a holiday, i'm just saying that easter pushes this to where it shoudl be-- the focus.

and in remembering today, i hope i can also remember how to be grateful.

sorry for my rambling... sleepy time. gnite*

two thirds

took a BREAK today after my pacs final and went out for dinner with everyone for carson's bday (happy20th!carsnooo!) @ mcginnis =) ... good timess... a nice break from studying definitely! pics: mouse over to see description




on the other hand
i don't know what's wrong with me.. it hink i'm just mentally and physically exhausted? i jsut feel so down. every single little thing is getting to me. thank goodness for starbucks* and mae. but i'm just sitting around brooding. at least i can afford to do so tonight! and then tomorrow-- back to the books *sigh*

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! on EVERYONE AND EVERYTHINGGGGGG!

"well I have handed all my efforts in, I searched here for my second wind, 'Is there someone here to let me in?' I asked. So I slammed the doors they slammed at me..."

one third

the man of the moment is E.P. Taylor.
becuase i was able to identify him and describe his historical significance.

after the final laura and i just sat there FREAKING out about how we only RECOGNIZED 4 out of the 10 terms of which we need to i&s 6 of them. and then kat came out and we went to eat mikey's. honestly sesame chicken makes everything better. who the heck is william price anyways? IS he the airplane man? we shall never know.

you know what though? it's times like those - even in the midst of finals- that make me not want this term to end. i'm gonna miss our randomness.

dp9th day 2
characters: me kat jess carson and pat(at dinner) (oh! and laur through the window lol)
dp is:
- the mystery game lol
- fooooooooodies
- "loud whisper" giggling
- kinkysex? HAHA but mamalaura says "keep it out of the family" ... so we know where kat's going with THAT. ; )
- 2hr dinners everydayyyyy
- girltalk*

dp?
well i'm at DP with kat jess emz and anj and i think i may have chosen my finals study location for this term-- ninth floor? well, i might switch floors but who knows... i like this better than TC and it's not as crowded as slc...

the weather is just ridiculous.
yesterday: sunny! then 5 min later pouring rain... then five minutes later sunny ... and another spell of rain another 5 min later
today: cloudy... 5 min later light snow... 5 min later cloudy... 5 min later BLIZZARD... cloudy... blizzard... cloudy.... blizzard... SUNNY????

8 days ... 8 days.

april-- one year later. (gawd i miss "you")

here's my "things that are spring" list:

1. funinthesun with 210/214-- 040405 when janna laura kat and i ran outside and took about a mazillion pictures dancing around, making shadows, sitting on picnic tables making fishfaces, and of our reflections in the door... it was sunny.
2. taking randomshmandom walks outside
3. fliss beeee 032905-- me jo maril dev quyen aneta playing frisbee in the south quad and tossing it over the creek trying to see if it would go all the way acrosss lol
4. "i'm just a dreamer i dream my life away"(its a secret.)
5. strawberry daquiris 040605-- some bad stuff happened and the day after me and bee went to eastsides and split a strawberry daquiri and things were happy.
6. "studying" 041005 -- spring means finals but last year me jo and kat studied outside slc on a round concrete thingy that a tree grows out of and pretty much got nothing done that day =)
7. you are the reflection in my sunglasses*041105 -- to make studying outside better, alison and i went to aussies and got sunglasses*. hers were normal but mine were ridICULously large and buglike and i paid sixbucks for them because, you know, fun is priceless. =)

Let's rearrange / I wish you were a stranger I could disengage / Say that we agree and then never change / Soften a bit until we all just get along / But that's disregard / Find another friend and you discard / As you lose the argument in a cable car / Hanging above as the canyon comes between

listen to the song! (i love the fray)

-- and speaking of the above song.. i think it's important to spend time doing things with people who make you happy. the past few weeks, i've been extremely busy with school stuff and at the same time just using way too much energy being upset about this person and that person not giving me the time of day or changing or whatever. and then i realized that i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't handle the stress of school AND making all this effort trying to figure out what's wrong with this person and that person or wishing things were how they were. and i realized that i shoudn't have to.
so i started just trying to be around people who make me HAPPY. and DO things that make me happy. like eating breakfast with kat and laur, or having bbt/williams with emz/dev/kat, phone talking for hoursandhours in the middle of the night, or going to molly's with jess laura and clara.... stuff like that. being around people that dont' make me worry 24/7 what i did wrong or what i should do next. to just enjoy things.

not saying things don't affect me still. ("wish.. i could disengage") but i just feel so much.. lighter i guess. :)

oh and jess said the funniest thing today while we were walking through waterloo park! she goes "animals in the dark are really creeepy!!!" i have no idea how they are but now i feel like they are... and we kept peeking over our shoulders while we were walking and running across the bridge lol so amussseddd...

hello world!

LOOK! -- miss dora chang aka my best frienddd is a STARRRRrrrr-- well, she's written an article for the TORONTO Star!!!

-read the article here-

my baby is a JOURNALIST. awwww heart tear sigh

lol sorry but this is a proud moment.

geez.

(S.F.Y.!!)

computer whore

maybe it's just because i don't own a laptop, but i am EXTREMELY put off by people who have a laptop and yet, insist on using the school computers at the same time.

for example-- i am currently at DP, sitting next to a guy who is reading some notes off uwace on the library computer. conveniently beside him, is a very sharp-looking laptop, all silvery, small and thin but not TOO small... just sitting there with the screen saver going.

oh wait. it stopped.

now it's jsut his desktop.

i dont' GET it. like... if i had a bloody laptop i woudln't be sitting here in freaking DP trying to do work. why is it that i had to stand aroudn waiting for a computer for like ten minutes and you already HAVE a computer to take with you wherever you like but you have to take up that extra seat?

*muttermutter* ... i can't wait til i get a job in the summer so i can finally buy myself a freakin laptop.

... friends come and go.

but worse than having someone leave?

not really being sure whether their gone or not or why they're going.

the past week i was feeling really ... TIRED. tired of being taken for granted or treated like crap for no reason. tired of thinking about all the things i needed to do. tred of being brushed aside. tired of failure. tireddddd.

but then last night after grad dinner, things slowed down a little. gladys was up for grad dinner so we actually got to hang out and catch up for the first time in a long time. we went to sobeys and bought tv dinners and just bummed around like old times. and this morning gladys kat and i had brunch at Angie's =) and then i met up with Jiffy and we did our hmv thing hehe and we went to golden mango and second cup (mm caramel carretto) and tonight jo and i finally got some time to talk (even if it was jsut in the car for like 10 min.) before watching Walk the Line. and carson kat jo and i had some good jokes by the end of the slightly irritating night haha =) so all in all it was a pretty good weekend. grad dinner was fun too =) a bit stressful, but fun.

anyways, in the car on the way to angie's, i searched gladys's cd's for Caedmon's Call : In the Company of Angels.. this cd that we used to always listen to in the car wheni was in gr 11/12 ... and i found it. and found this song that helped me through a tough time in the 12th grade. and it's jsut really comforting to listen to so i just wanted to share it. It's called Oh Lord Your Love.

Oh Lord I give You all I have
But it seems so little
When You have given me so much
I come to You with empty hands
And a heart that's fragile
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord Your love
Is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
It gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that I am weary
Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light

And now I sing You songs of praise
But Your greatness is beyond me
I know I cannot comprehend
How You ancient of days
Stoop Yourself to call me
To be Your son, to be Your friend

is it ok to build walls simply to reciprocate other people's walls?

and i dont' ALWAYS want to be with people. as much as people like to think i do.
the key is being around the people who make you HAPPY.
but some days, sitting in my room alone, watching grey's anatomy and eating kd is perfectly satisfying as well.

i'm really enjoying our girls book study group thinggyyy =) we have really interesting discussion-- it's cool to hear different perspectives on th ings and see how God is working in eachother's lives and how we communicate with Him and see people who are SO smart and who can take all these things thye learn in school and apply them practically. it's so encouraging. and alsoerrrm.. bothersome in a good sense becuase it makes me evaluate myself and discover things that i need to give to God... and it's jsut cool to hang out and also get to know ppl betterr..
and i like listening to jenn read =)

why'm i such a black sheep?

"there are no solutions. no easy answers.
you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

most of the time pain can be managed--
but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it.

it's way below the belt and doesn't let up.

pain.

you just have to play it through,
becuase the truth is:

you can't outrun it...

and life always makes more."

(says meredith from grey's anatomy aka the best show ever)

wasted tears
everything i do is wrong. i'm even wrong about being wrong.
wasted tears, wasted night.

but i had fun with kat tonight afterrrr ccf =) we went to drop off emz at the bus station.
and then we went to see laur and sat around venting together for a while (people are dumbbb)
and then we went to sobeys and bought random stuff like tv dinners and hotstuffs and dow fu faaa and twix. and then we went back to my place and watched golden girlssss while we ate!

o/~ "thankyou for being a friend, travelled down the road and back again, you heart is true you're a pal and a confidente... and if you threw a party, invited eveyrone you knew-- you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thankyou for being a friend" !

what if you woke up one day and discovered you were two people at once?
or, rather, that the different parts that make up "you" could be split into two personalities?
i don't mean a DISORDER. just... like emotionally you're able to somewhatly seperate these things. i.e. your intillectual side and your artsyphartsy side (although this is not what i am referring to)

things i've realized:
1. they will always always be connected. no matter how seperate they seem to be.
2. we were all given ONE life for a reason
3. once' you've seperated it, it's very hard to put it back together.

and 4. in EITHER personality, i am STILL a drama queen.

He answers.
i posted BEFORE rehearsal (see below)... i was just like OH MY GOODNESS. so i just sat down before rehearsal tonite and prayed like insanely.

and then, at rehearsal, things just kind of fell into place. i got amy to sing with me so now i'm on beat and it sounds OKAY . i mean it's still a country song haha and it's not PERFECT but it's ok. and jon explained how it relates to the character in the script. and just... maybe it's like, for me, the "medium IS the message" kinda.
the song itself.... not what it says. but the fact that i DID have to take a lot of effort and time into finidng out what the heck it means... for me, that means pursuing God and meaning in every way i can but in the end, it's GOD who finds ME. and not the other way around.

i dunno if that makes any sense but that's how it's starting (finally) to speak to me.

lifesong -- friday march3 -- RCH101-- 7pm

no matter WHAT i do, it will always be wrong.

if i DON'T do it-- i'm not committed. a quitter.
if i DO -- i'm a hypocrite.
and now... i'm making it into a JOKE?

honestly all i can do is pray like hell .

BEFORE you try and use that "why do you care what everyone else thinks you shoudl jsut care what God thinks" line-- i DO care what God thinks. the problem is, that what eveyrone says is VALID.
yes. it IS bad of me to quit the DAY BEFORE (not that i didnt' try earlier).. it's irresponsible. *i* think.
but yes. it's also bad of me to get up and share something i dont' mean or understand.
and if people COULD interpret me as making something into a joke then maybe that isnt' such a good idea even if it isn't one.

so you see, everyone is right. so all i can do is pray and pray and pray.

please pray for me.