Truth Beauty Freedom....

... and above all things LOVE.
all around me it seems that love has been quite in the air. it's as if eros has a certain fragrance that lingers near me but never with me like the scent of homemade cookies from home ec down the hall that i can never taste becuase i'm stuck in chemistry. or perhaps it's what i see... like that outfit from abercrombie that i just *need* to have but can't becuase aside from the fact that abercrombie isn't in canada, it is also too expensive. perhaps i just don't have the "money".. don't have what it takes for love anymore. not that i'm saying the past relationships i'vehad were love. i guess maybe i've never experienced true love. i haven't. the one time i thought i loved someone so much that it must have been deep and the truest love there ever was... faded a year and a half later. i still can't decide whether that was really love or not. some people tell me it was infatuation. maybe maybe not but i know that if it was it's not becuase i am incapable of being in love with someone.... but perhaps i *am* incapable of having a relationship with someone whom i love that deeply and who loves me just as deeply back. it's ok. i shoudl be ok with this. i tell myself "jaz u dont' need a boyfriend, you don't. u have everything. who wants to waste time on a stupid boy?" but i think i'm lying to myself as i walk down the hallways of my school and see people making out in front of the vending machine and i'm suddenly not hungry anymore and maybe slightly upset or when a couple in my biology class starts kissing while sitting in front of me and i wonder to myself why they can have it and i can't. gosh this is retarded.... does that ever happen to you though? you *kno* what you "should" be feeling but in your heart you're really longing for something else? there's this guy. i shouldn't like this guy i shouldn't. why? becuase he is someone i care a lot about... in a friend way. and i go and develop this retarded crush (cuz that is what it is a crush) on him and man it is so stupid. i never thot.. but see... i know what i *should* feel which is nothing and yet... what i do feel is my knees growing weak when i see him... my stomach doing a flip flop when i hear his voice onthe phone... i want it to stop.

trapped.