i love SCH lunches with my ppic. : )

the answer

i think i've figured it out.

why have i been like this?

i was so confused because i just felt nothing but utter indifference. And usually, if you know me, you know that i am rarely indifferent. and usually i feel great extremes.

but finally, today, i got angry about something. And i'm so glad i did, because it actually felt pretty good to CARE about something. and then when i stepped back and took a look at it. I realized, maybe it wasn't even such a big deal, but it did hold possible answers to my "behaviour" over the past few weeks.

i think i just got sick of trying. i got sick of always being the one to bug people to go out and do this and that. i got sick of always being the one to call or message. of being the one who called around to get people together. of being the one who WANTED to spend time with my friends and feeling like i always had to take the initiative. I got sick of being "slotted" into people's plans. Got sick of caring all the time what other people wanted and what other people felt. Got sick of fulfilling other people's expectations. Maybe the birthday thing even factored into it a bit-- maybe that's when i realized "why should i even give a crap about other people anymore? why don't i just take care of myself?" becuase even when thinking about what was supposed to be MY day, i was still having it revolve around other people.
Maybe something subconciously snapped in me. And i just started reclusing. And i wont' lie, i've been enjoying it. Just being with ME. and hardly needing to worry about other people. Selfish? Maybe. but i know that usually, most other people do this. Take care of themselves and worry about other people second.

Thing is, i didn't do this on purpose. Maybe i just wanted to start protecting myself so badly... and i am a person of extremes... that i went from all to NOTHING. really fast. i just got very very ... jaded.

I just want to find a healthy balance.

as of late

i haven't posted much because i just really haven't really been much of a fan of ..errr.. communication or connection with anyone. HA! ... so sad.

My desire for social interaction has dissapated almost entirely.
Mostly i just havec indifference left.
On some days, desire is replaced with dread.

For now i will attribute it to my monthly visitor... although, this has been going on long before it came around...

other than that, it's freezing cold. i love joanna's laptop. and i bought a poster today.

adios.