HAPPY BDAy WAIKILEE :)
kekeke..
hope you had the best one ever :)

it is nice

it is nice to empty
out a bottle of seven days

HAPPY BDAY CLARA BO BEARA! :D

had dim sum w dora adrian and viv today :)
i love dimsum :)

crystal palace changed their spring rolls. it's gross now... it's got TARO inside of it *gag* *double gag*

so this morning ... like SO early...
jo kat tiff alex and i boarded the Go-Bus (train doesn't run on saturdays! :( ) to the t-dot for the Ontario University Fair :)
was quite cool got some bookies, asked some questions got some free stuf f:) ...
nippissing was really cool ... they took our picture with a poloroid camera so we could keep it as a souvineer even though none of us will go to north bay for university.
my second favourite display was queens... the had it with their campus set up as a life size back drop... and park benches displayed on a green with black street lamps teasing you as you walked by thinking "i'm at queens... but i'm inside heeee" it was definitely cool :) i want my room to look like that ... yeah... ran in to becky and amie! :)

after we finished getting everythign we walked back to Union Station to take the subway to the Eaton Centre (thanks aj!).... annnnnd we saw the WALK OF FAME!!!
HEEEE!!! okay shut up it's exciting for a bunch of looers :P so basically we spent the rest of the time shopping cept that jo and alex left early :( ... i bought some stuff :) including two novels -- Fall on Your Knees and White Oleander (which i am done 1/5 of and i think is already beginning to replace She's Come Undone as my fav novel) ... i've wanted to read white oleander for SO LONG. bah hanve't seen the movie either :)
so it was QUITE a fun day :) but veryvery tiring...

went to mikey's for dinner had my usual. heard sandra came to waterloo today. sipped my bubble tea. talked to amanda. dora came in with marius henry brendan and marius's friend kevin. left. came home. read white oleander. and am typing this blog now hoping my heart will not collapse in to a pile of dust. afraid of hatred like that of ingrid.

shiver. how creepy is ingrid man...

how is it that we have only one year left .. less than that and the four of us can't spend one freaking day all together? ... ugh. whatever.

umok so correction abraham wasn't going to *joyfully* kill his son
but like
i can't find a better example :P

grrrrrrr
okay so Concept results were posted thismorning. and having A spare i went to check them out... yeah i made it. but i'm in the freaking choir AGAIN!!!!
bah!! ...i guess i just have to face it. i'm just a choir girl, and i always will be.

had a good day today :)

chilled with adrian hahaha ... so funny... bbt and lots of laughs :)
while walking i remarked about how i could sorta see my breath a bit... coldness coming in ... waterloo weather is nice righ tnow... a little chilly but ... perfect. i love autumn crispness. this is the best season :) ... so gorgeous. with crackly leaves under your feet that you step on just to hear them crackle because it's such a beautiful sound. and you get to buy those new boots and classy new pants and tops because it's getting colder... oh the joys of fall... now if only there wasn't school to dread.

came to realize some things tonight while talking to mike... not going to explain the conversation but it was a big wake up call for my spiritual life... which i think is starting to lag without my knowing... so sneaky :P ... gotta get those devos going again... gotta get rid of some sins that are holding me back... and yeah gotta thing about some stuff...
"pretend that God is telling you to [give up something really important to you]
how do you react?if it's any other way than with joy, then we've got something to work on...if we obey God with anything less than joy, then we've got a problem"
it reminded me of Abraham and Isaac... that Abraham would hve (joyfully) killed his own son because God commanded him to...
how do i get that kind of love and submission to Him? and how do i get that kind of direction in life from God... how can i know His will at all times?
because i know that i want to follow Him.. and i want to do His will... but it is not always joyfully that i do it... i guess i hold too tightly still to wordly things... and sometimes i can't even distinguish what His will is!...
id unno.. that frustrates me ... but i guess ijust need to pray abotu it and in the mean time make sure that i am offering my WHOLE heart to God and not just part of it.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

i shut my eyes so tight and wish... wish a million paradise sushi rolls that i won't care.
that each day will be just another day. that each moment will be just another moment. that each person will just be another sillouhette in passing.

"from now on it will just be
me, standing at the edge glaring at
you, as if i didn’t care

when in fact i do
i want to hear you thinking
of me, even when i forget
to think back in return"
~kalypsobekka

R.I.P. chippy the chipmunk... :*(

happy birthday miss sandy kun!! :)

western rep came to school today ... kat and i went to see what western was all about hehe :P ...
id unno if i want to go there... mybe.. but it's not my first choice i dont' think...
OHHHHHH university is so stressful!

ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship) had it's first meeting this morning... :)
hehe was a pretty good turnout like 30 ppl :) niceway to start the day ...although earlY! ... something Jon said stuck out inmy head "If you light yourself on fire, people love to come see you burn" hehe

i have major cramps.i wanna go home.

hey so i just got this Friendster thing that vidaloca sent me
hehehe soooo cool! except that at the moment i only have two friends lol
loner...
so add me if u have it and ur my friend :P
i used jazzalicious07@hotmail.com

just talked to my like second mother haha
kee i'm happy :) good way to start the day ... :D
but apparently i'm not allowed to look at guys til after university HA..

God is so amazing!
so i've been freaking out about this unforgivable sin thing... freak,ing about how i might have committed it and stuff... and so i prayed so hard during service today for a sign... a sign to know whether it was real guilt or false guilt... and so i went to sunday school today and joseph's like "today we're going to talk about... guilt." and i just gaped at him. it was like wow. and i didn't even say anything about it and then the whole issue got resolved without me saying a word about it ... liek somebody else brought up the whole unforgivable sin thing and it wasn't even exactly the topic! and WOW.
that's jsut making a long story short but yeah... like God is so good :) and He sometimes answers prayers so quickly !!!! thankYou! :) it's nice to know that i'm not goign to hell :P

went to chill at tiff's tonight... talked ate played some soccer... watch some chinese movies hehe :) took pics :) nice way to end off the wknd :)
bah... school again tommorow...

chilled at dora's today with her, jo, viv, jon, and marius :)
i got a free skateboarding poster from boardzone :D
i love pics of people skateboarding!!!

i've decided i want to learn how to skateboard. :P
too bad i have NO balance :P

went to g's byebye bbq yesterday :) was fun ... got to chat and chill with a lot of people that haven't really talked to in a long time... really nice to be able to catch up and whatnot. i'm glad so many people are here this term :)

i heard Shania Twain's Forever and Always twice today ... twice! *shudder* i relalllly don't like that song... :P

my Concept audition was today... poopoo instrumental auditions were distracting me ... electric guitar... so loud. id unno. i just really hope i dont' end up in the choir again this year... i know i must sound like an ingrate having gotten in for the past two years but... i dunno! like...i just want a better part... to have to devote that much time to something..i guess it just makes it seem more worthwhile if your'e not singing with a gazzillion other people. but considering i dind't do the BEST i could possibly do... my fate in the choir is most likely sealed. :P unless i don't get in at all?

praylude tonight... talked about the abc's of salvation... it was cool to see all that subject compliment stuff actually come into play... and then after we all went to mikey's for some eats and some bbt :) .. fun times... had a good laugh over stuff we did in the summer of grade nine... wow... that was the best summer of my life for sure! :)

miss you.

it's happened.

your hand's gone at the crosswalk. hand's gone from the bike seat.
i'm inhaling sharply.
i want to sit on the curb and refuse to cross the street.
i want to squeeze the hand brakes and refuse to pedal. place my feet firmly on the ashfault unbudging.
as if by some miracle, *my* stagnancy will make time stand still with me. perhaps even rewind.

but i know that's not what it's like. life isn't like a movie as much as i'd like it to be... and it isn't a daydream in which i can twist situations to my liking.
can i cross the street by myself? yeah. i guess i can. i know how to look both ways, walk not run, quicken my pace as the hand flashes.
can i ride my bike alone? yeah. maybe i'll fall... scrape my knees up a bit... but somehow... i'll find the strength to get back on.

That same strength that gripped the tears forming behind my eyes. strength that was not there yesterday but was there today. strength that disappeared with the shutting of the door as i pressed my back into the wall letting it all flow out thinking i hate this i hate this i hate this.

but you've taught me much, and i don't forget. i do know some things... and i can do some things... and i can deal. just gotta dry my eyes, suck it up, and live life to the fullest. trust God that things are going to be okay, remember that everything is a blessing, and strive to be the best that i can possibly be.
i can maybe do that. but it doesn't mean i'm not scared. and it doesn't mean i won't miss you ... miss everything.

need to think about it. gonna go shove my face into my pillow and sleep it off.

waiting

not much longer now.
gripping the hand i hold so tightly, eyes shooting up to ensure it hasn't vanished.
pedalling vigourously, neck straining to see the hand hanging on to the seat.
i swallow.
very soon.
i shed a tear while waiting.
for your hand to disappear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem*
the o-c is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!! and ... it's gone for a month and a half!!! :*( *tears*
my current wallpaper:

seventeen

thankyou Father for these seventeen years. years that could have been taken away at any moment and almost were... years that have been filled with countless memories, countless blessings... years that i have come to treasure as they speed by faster and faster. I love You.

a week ago, maybe less, i was pretty miserable... thinking about all the things that were going wrong... thinking about how school was so different this year than the last... thinking about my classes and how everything seemed wrong and the stress of university coming overwhelming me a bit... thinking about my desire to serve God in Praylude with four of my best friends and the hurt i felt when i realized they would be serving on commitee together without me... thinking about my roles in life... how maybe i didn't fit them anymore. wondering... wondering whether if i was important anywhere at all anymore... wondering if i mattered. and so certain that i was not loved or valued by anyone. cared for yes, but loved and valued... no.

but then i got to thinking this weekend... how am i looking at this? g always says it's all about perspective. so last night i tried to percieve it in a different way. i wasn't excited about seventeen at all. in fact, i wanted to stay sixteen... yet this weekend was really really great. compared to last year's galla this weekend was very regular ... but i got to spend a lot of time with friends and family... people doing all these little nice things for me to show me how much they care... to show that they remembered.
time.
time is huge. it seems to pass more and more quickly every year... so precious... something only God can control. and you never really know how much you have left. the way you spend your time is like a vote. a vote as to what is important to you. this weekend a lot of time was devoted to me. and that meant alot... but what means even more is how much time is devoted to me regularily. the number of people who will spend their time talking to me, doing things for me, chilling out with me... is a great many more than i deserve. and over the years God has blessed me with countless friends ... friends that i am so lucky to have yet so often take for granted...
and i know that if that many people are will to invest so much time in me... then i must be pretty important to them :)-- valued. and VERY well cared for. and all these things exhibit love. can i say that i am certain that every single one of these people love me? no. but who cares? teh actions shown and the actual relationships are much mroe important than someone saying i love you.

also... i thought everything was going wrong ... but i'm sure everything that happens will be used by God in accordance with His plan for me... and everything will turn out in the end :)

and what have i done this year that's worth remembering?
i grew. i grew closer to God. I grew new relationships and deepened old ones. i discovered true friends. and friends that i could rely on for spiritual and emotional and physical support. i got baptised. i had fun. i laughed. and i made people smile.

i could not be more grateful for a year that could not have been better.

this is the last blog entry of my sixteenth year of my life...
35 minutes to go...
much to reflect upon but instead i think i'll sing the song one last time as Leisl:

Sixteen Going On Seventeen
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men will want to write on

[Liesl:]
To write on

[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older an wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

-- so long farewell.

i REALLY don't like period C spare on day 2 mornings.
i can deal with chilling out alone on period A for the rest of the week but period C mornings SUCK. so since period C is actually a spare for all juniors or lunch on the other days, the library is pretty full. It is also inhabited by teachers who have jr lunch off or certain senior students who have a similar situation as myself-- but only the ones i don't know of course since if i knew them i wouldn't be so tormented and of course that would never do. i tried hanging out in front of my locker but i got kicked out of the hall by a stupid meano teacher. so aside from having no friends to chill with first period i am also subject to lack of privacy and space. BAH. and the library is loud. like SHUT UP. it's the library! grrr~~ ...
also, i was shafted by ovaltine and her gr nine friends lol...DITCHED... jk viv haha...

10 more minutes... *breathe* and then biology -- oh the joys of cell growth :P

something i had to write for english...

It is a rare occasion that one has the privilege of experiencing that tremendous feeling. A feeling that starts as a tingle at the top of your stomach and runs like seeping ink through your body, filling it in such a manner that your insides yearn to burst, yet giving you a sense that you are incredibly small. Wonder.
This privilege came to me during a trip to Alberta a few years ago. I remember it exactly, standing at the edge of Lake Louise with my eyes resting above the horizon, completely mesmerized. At that moment, nothing and no one else existed save for the Rocky Mountains and myself. I was completely overtaken by the vastness of the megaliths before me. Rock, white and jagged, stretched my eyes higher than skyscrapers or any human accomplishment. Although still, they shocked me with the power they emitted and the cold splash of realization that human hands could not create such majesty.
Yet the feeling that empowers you is not only strong and serrated, but also soft, like a vast, unending canvas of a great painter that could only be God himself. His brush’s blending so fine that it is difficult to differentiate the peaks from the sky.
This canvas and this power engulfing you could only be described as wonder, a moment in time in which your significance is nothing.

5 days.


so yeah like the O.C. is the best show EVER! *all nod in agreement*
*GUSH*
i love this show sooooo much it's so good! ^_^ seth and ryan are both so hot! ...i didn't think ryan was that great iin the beginning but his personality makes him woww plus his body. :P ahem.
bah... i can't believe marissa and luke!!! NOOOOOOO... marissa's supposed to be with RYAN!!!! too bad he messed it up bLAH... anywayyyyyss.s.. this is SUCH a good show. honestly if you haven't seen it ... seriously seriously watch it. i'm addicted. hehe :)

bleh. it's picture day tommorow and i just grew a zit :(

the thing about having a spare first thing in the morning every single week where you have to go and can't sleep in because you have no other ride is... you spend a lot of quality time with yourself. i guess it's kinda nice... when i put it like that.. "quality time with me" but ... it sucks. i mean come *on* . why should i have to wake up and sit around while everyone else with this spare is sleeping? :P i want to get this changed around but i haven't seen my guidance counsellor ONCE yet and it's impossible to get an appointment. i just don't go at the right times i guess... i've been feeling so so so unlucky. i mean, i'm trying to trust God that this sis the way things are supposed to be and if He wants them to change He'll get me that chance to change it... it's been really in my face that that's what i'm supposed to do-- trust Him with all my heart. but i can't help but sulk a little because i'm tired and woudl much rather be at home in my bed. WAHHHH I WANNA SLEEP!!!! >_<

went to nsr last night with pt, chris, jo, and kat. i met some people... this one guy named Kai who when i saw his nametag i thought it said "KA!" and i was like WOW! can i call you KA!? and he's like "no... cuz it sounds bad when you say it twice" lolz.
also it's weird when people come back and you didn't miss them all that much over the term but when you see them you realize you did.

my "suk poh" aka tiff's grandma is having her surgery today... MAD MAD MAAAAAADDDD prayer power needed... it's at 10:30 am... please please pray hard...

oh wow. one week left. i wish time would just freeze.

smily:
i can't believe you're
gone. tears fall now that clung to my eyelids earlier.
i miss you already.
but at least you won't forget. at least you won't become like him.

Sept. 7, 2003. 2:05 am.

My room is dim, soft, white light bursts from the computer screen and Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight” is only whispering from the speakers so as not to wake my family. I would sleep but my attempts to do so are completely in vain. It’s like all these things are trying to cram themselves into my mind and I can hardly begin to focus on even one and yet I can’t stop thinking about any of them. o/~ tomorrow comes to take me away, I wish that I that I could stay… save tonight fight the break of dawn come tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be gone o/~ I have one week of 16 left… to many, it’s just another year… but 16 was a big deal to me. I had so many expectations for the 16th year of my life… I can’t remember whether they were fulfilled because I think some of these expectations have changed or rather I’ve changed and their importance has dissipated a great deal or almost completely. I remember one. I always thought I would get my first kiss at 16… and that hasn’t happened. Am I disappointed? Sometimes… but I guess more often I’m thankful. Thankful that something so important to me was preserved for the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I complain about it enough but really, I’m glad. But I’m not really thinking about past dreams… I’m thinking more along the lines of what I HAVE done… what made this year worth remembering…

In an attempt to organize my thoughts and properly reflect, I’ve slotted my life into a few areas:
1. relationship with God
2. relationships with others
3. praylude
4. school
5. character development?

I think I’m going to take the next week to think about each “section” as much as I can… I guess I’d like to think about development because even though I am not looking forward to turning 17, I’m gonna make it the best year it can possibly be and I’m going to grow and change and develop as much as I possibly can. I’m terrified of change but I will take charge of my own growth and pray to change in accordance with His plan in His time. It’s heartbreaking to see 16 go by in a blink of an eye, but perhaps it’s time for me to let go of the past a little and focus on today and on what’s to come… I wont’ be able to sing the song anymore but hey, 17 is the title of a magazine. =P

my first "in school" blog of the year!!!!...
we have an extended period A today ... so that means i have an extended spare :)
bah.. i wish i had a car so i didn't have to wake up so early for nothing...
but i only have 3 classes today so that puts me in a good mood :)

craP!!!.... BAHHHHH i just realized i forgot to bring the sunday school bag for kat to give to sherry since i'm switching weeks with her!!! >_< ohhhhhhh what am i gonna do nOWW?? :( maybe i'll ask dora if she can take me home? ... i dunno tho...

anyways there was just an announcement about "get off the computers because there is a deadly virus maybe" or something so i'm gonna publish this before i get kicked off...

only 5 hours and 45 min until my first official weekend of the year!
WHEEEE ^_^

school's going... well... it's going.

i wish for just some time to fix this up... but i don't have enough of it...

gotta learn to take things as they come. let the changes slide off my back and grin and bear it.
and trust trust trust in God... *sigh*

"29 Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. 30 The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, 31 and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." Deut. 1:29-31

the end is near. an hour and 18 min away to be exact.

i can't believe this... this... is goodbye. goodbye to the the joys of summer...

close my eyes. appear confident, appear collected.

home again :)

pictures coming soon

changes coming soon

school coming soon.

woe is me.