it's happened.

your hand's gone at the crosswalk. hand's gone from the bike seat.
i'm inhaling sharply.
i want to sit on the curb and refuse to cross the street.
i want to squeeze the hand brakes and refuse to pedal. place my feet firmly on the ashfault unbudging.
as if by some miracle, *my* stagnancy will make time stand still with me. perhaps even rewind.

but i know that's not what it's like. life isn't like a movie as much as i'd like it to be... and it isn't a daydream in which i can twist situations to my liking.
can i cross the street by myself? yeah. i guess i can. i know how to look both ways, walk not run, quicken my pace as the hand flashes.
can i ride my bike alone? yeah. maybe i'll fall... scrape my knees up a bit... but somehow... i'll find the strength to get back on.

That same strength that gripped the tears forming behind my eyes. strength that was not there yesterday but was there today. strength that disappeared with the shutting of the door as i pressed my back into the wall letting it all flow out thinking i hate this i hate this i hate this.

but you've taught me much, and i don't forget. i do know some things... and i can do some things... and i can deal. just gotta dry my eyes, suck it up, and live life to the fullest. trust God that things are going to be okay, remember that everything is a blessing, and strive to be the best that i can possibly be.
i can maybe do that. but it doesn't mean i'm not scared. and it doesn't mean i won't miss you ... miss everything.

need to think about it. gonna go shove my face into my pillow and sleep it off.