Make It Go Away

My Daily Forcast says:
You're a loaded weapon right now. True, you can't officially be set on 'stun' -- but you could certainly wipe out an entire offending species, if you so choose.

I know it's kind of crap, but sometimes these things are so frighteningly accurate!

I have an interview at 9:30am and I'm sitting here listening to Holly Cole over and over and over again because I'm too hot, too sick, too uncomfortable, too... frustrated to sleep.

make it go away or make it better: isn't that what love is supposed to do?
make it go away or make it better: cause I would do either one for you.

i'm not angry, and i'm not crying. i'm just in over my head.
and you could be the angel who stays on my shoulder when all of the other angels left.

Getting back into the swing of things

I'm going to try and blog regularly again. Because I have a computer now. And because it helps me organize my thoughts.. for living, I guess.

I met up with Christie today. I probably wasn't much company because I'm disgustingly sick, but it was good to catch up and see each other again. It's funny because the way things have been going lately, I've been thinking about her a lot. And how Karma is reality. We had wings for old times' sake.

I want to learn and change. But is that possible with a crushed heart? (Drama queen, drama queen.) I'm just saying. It's difficult to be constructive/productive when you're overwhelmed by emotion.

Fevers are tricky too. Am I actually so hot that I'm perspiring? Or is it my body's joke and I'm actually cold like I should be?

Something's wrong with the power in our kitchen right now. The light won't turn on, and the fridge is dark. There's a pot of pasta sitting on the stove that I'm afraid is going to go bad over night or something... well I guess I'd better eat it? :P haaaaa like I mind. It was made by Not Me. and it has mushrooms in it. Mmmmm.

My mission tomorrow: Get well, sell some books, and start up my auction painting.

When you gon' get up?

(a shout out to Amel for asking that (above) fundamental question.)

(and a shout out to Beyonce for tapping into the emotional side of my crap.):

I'm in this fight, and I'm swinging
And my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time,
I'm sinking in the sand , And I can't barely stand,
I'm lost in this dream , I need you to hold me.

I am not a project. But I am still my own project.

(Excuse my emo-drama-self-motivating bull, but I need to visually talk myself into fixing everything.)

All we've got to do is be brave and be kind.

I read these lyrics from Baby, We'll be Fine by The National off a friend's facebook profile, and I haven't really been able to stop thinking about them.

"All we've got to do is be brave and be kind."

Shouldn't that be how it works?

I can't test this theory, because I'm not brave most of the time.

But I want to be.

It's funny the quotes that I keep close-- written on my board, propped on my dresser, written boldly on post-its. Things like:

"Courage, my love." or "No fear; just charm."

I never noticed how the theme of courage/fear-defiance played into everything when I'm the least brave person, almost ever. Maybe it's meant to be something I'm telling myself rather than a motto.

But hell, I wish I was brave right now.
I wish I was so many things that I'm just not.
I wish I could at least do a good job of pretending. At the very least.

I feel like a dead end road.

Oh, this is the cycle, love.

That cycle that explains why am I sitting awake at 4:30am cussing myself out instead of getting some goddamned sleep so I can get up, be productive, and prove that I give a crap.

I need to walk.

(I am. I can. I do. I will.)

midnight mehndi