happy halloween!
didn't go out tonite hehe went to the church to help out with the family nite or whatever it's called :)twas fun! gots to see sum of my vbs kids again and i dressed up as a lil kid HAHAHA i was like one of the only ppl dressed up but ohwellies! it was fun :) all the moms were going crazy at how *cute* i was HA right... =P joanna dressed up as some guy that got his ass kicked HAHA how appropriate for church ^_~ check out hers here.
anyhoo.. here i am... i was actually wearing pajamas but i have a coat on cuz i just got inside =P in my hand is my gigantic lollipop i made out of styrofoam plates =P yes i realize i am a freak and my moocow =)

Mikey's Eatery

if you've never been to Mikey's you are most certainly deprived. gogogo it's in lovely loo's university plaza next door to subway...
since kat's parents own the place, we frequent there often [it's the "hangout" HAHA] =P during our visits there there is this guy who dora kat jo and i have gotten to calling "Venice" .. kat coined it... i dont' know what the reason behind the name is but... WOW. mann.. this guy is *the* ideal (physically at least) most likely the hottest guy i've ever laid eyes on in my entire life.omgomgomg and he's SO NICE!!! everytime i see him he always talks to me and asks me how i'm doing and stuff even tho we don't know eachother's name he is so sos so hot. anyhoo... today i asked him his name and discovered that it is scott. he shook my hand. ahhhhhh.... this is so exciting for me you dont' understand... =D

i also met gabe chan today... he's really nice... not really what i thought... not that i didn't like him or somethign before... just....i dun't know... he seemed sort of cold but he's not. i dunno.

i love charlie. [sushi man] he gave me free food again today and he always calls me angel... awwww!!! why isnt' everyone that nice? haha :)

ghost of christmas past
i saw janice yesterday!!! we haven't seen eachother for like a year! :P i also still have her book oops... but yeah.... she graduated from uw like almost two years ago! we were talkign about how incredibly fast time passes ... it doesn't feel like it's been that long but it has... so anyhoo, she came up to loo yesterday for a party but she came over before it and we had bbt and just talked for like an hour in my living room... while we were talking about everything i was thinking about that one blog lyds put up about 'ketchup friends' =P j and i can still talk and talk and talk which is so great but it's a lot more catch up stuff which is to be expected of course :) gosh i wish ppl didn't have to leave. but yeah... it was so great seeing her again!

today i went to this children's ministry training thing at church run by the "Central Canadian District Cluster Training Seminar" -- it was really really really good! firstly, they gave us lots of stuff HAHA =P that's how you win me, give me things :P jk.. but yeah they gave everyone the GREAT BIG GOD TAPE!!!!!!!!! *^_^* the Great Big God album is this kids vineyard cd that has a few songs on it that we used at our vbs in the summer :) me and bonnie were freaking out cuz we can listen to "our" song hahaha which is "God You're Good to Me" ahhhh such a great great great song :) what they talked about was really good too! i learned alot. i can't really type all out tho... too much stuff. they were talking about learning styles...i think i'm a 'talker' haha

anyhoo... i'm goign to go take advantage of that extra hour of sleep [turn ur clocks back] but i'll leave you with me and bun's fave:
God You're Good to Me: Vineyard
[chorus:]God you're good to me,
you gave me life and set me free,
you heard me knock and opened up the door....
God you're good to me, you opened my eyes and let me see,
I could search but i won't find *anyone*..... like YOU!!!

i know i dont' deserve this love you have for me,
You sent your Son to die upon a tree,
and sometimes when i'm feeling, far away from you,
i hear your voice it's calling me and i begin to SIIIINNNNNNNGGGG...
[chorus]
i know you'll always be with me everyday,
your spirit in me is showing me the way,
and i will try to be the best that i can be,
cuz i know your love for me is deeper than the sea!!!
[chorus]
bah ha you should see us in action =)

enhance your vocabulary

most people are familiar with the term FOB [fresh off the boat]..... but how many people are familiar with the term FOP? hahaha well at the moment-- two :) according to my knowledge, Gen and I have started a legacy hahahahaha FOP is Fresh off the plane HAHAHA ... this is what genuine is. one of those misfits haha that cbc's think is a FOB and FOB's think is a cbc-- see the dilemna? by creating the new term FOP, we have de-misfitized the inbetweenies ^_^ secondly, i don't like banana's. but i get called a banana because i'm "yellow on the outside, white on the inside" but bananas are mushy and yucky . sooo... i should be better described as a TWINKIE ^_^ muahahaha twinkies are *sweet* and yummilicious unlike banana's :D yayayayay. everyone must be so enlightened by me and gen's intillect :P

i want modrobes.

did you know that the tubules of smooth ER also have enzymes embedded on the inner surface for processing macromolecules such as lipids? in addition to synthesizing phospholipids, smooth ER can have specialized functions in differnt cells. For example, the smooth ER produces testosterone (a lipid) in testicular cells. O_o dont' we all learn something new everyday :P
i'm going to die on my bio test tommorow.
cram cram cram .... O_-

yay WCI =) ra! .... but we lost the battle of waterloo again... i didn't go though... i was prevented by the incredible amount of crap i had to do... but our school is still better even tho it loses against bci every single year... hopefully tho... next year we'll win =)

i'm printing out this history thing that was the reason i didn't go last nite.

i just wanted to say.... that i dont'w ant to kill myself. i was reading over some archives and it sounds sort of like i do.... i will explain later... but i have got to go back to english ... i'll explain more later... i've discovered that i've been really freaking people out... but i'll explain later. i want some cookies mm....

fast blog then email check.. been overplaying this song a lot on my comp~ btw i'm not on icq much because my network got screwed over much like the rest of my life. ANyWAYS... yes i've been listening to this song a lot... thot to myself it reminded me a lot of struggling with sin and stuff but couldn't make out the words in the verses and when i looked it up i found the song *is* about that after all... ~ it describes a lot of what i've been feeling lately ... better than i can anyway.
~*~*~*
Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who or what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
It rocks me... and makes me... meet myself

'cause Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth, if I can't.. crawl to you?

I want to feel.. something SWEETER THAN THIS SIN
Cover me in leaves.. roll me over again
'cause I've been everybody else
Now I want to be something... closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'cause I'm so SICK and TIRED... of being SICK and TIRED
I know I can love you.. I know that I can!
[chorus]
[kendall payne - closer to myself]

me, myself, and i. [have i been spending too much time alone?]

me: gosh this day really really really sucked. *inhale* *exhale*
myself: yeah that's for sure. we've been to hell and back today.
i: no... we haven't experienced hell. i'm quite sure it's a lot worse than today was.
myself: shut up.
me: i can't take much of this anymore. it's like the whole world is against me. it's like no matter how hard i try to get things right i still do them wrong. i can never measure up i can never fix my own problems... i've screwed up so many things here... friendships, work, and just all sorts of things... i wanna scream!
myself: ya kno you're right. you can't do anything we should all just give up... give up and screw this shit hole.
i: please don't swear.
me: ugh shut up! stop telling me not to swear stop telling me what to do all the time!!! i've tried. i've tried to get it right i've tried to be a good person or do good things. now i realize that i can't. i'm just a stupid girl who really should stop wasting her time with trying. all people notice is the bad things i do anyways.
myself: right on!
me: i just want to get out. get out of this stupid place that reminds me only of the fact that i can't do anything. that rubs my problems in my face.
myself: then do it. it's not that hard. go.
i: why dont' you just pray about it...
me: i've only prayed about it about a bazillion times.
i: then pray a bazillion more times.
me: i wanna get out. then i'll pray a bazillion more times.
myself: so where are we going?
me: i don't know.

i can't stop thinking. thoughts are rushing through my mind like some crazy raging river.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTYCAKES AND LYDS =) =)
happy belated thanksgiving everyone! i'm thankful for you :)

hahahahahaha-- fwd i got below... suits my mood today. i'm really not having a good day at all. everyone is really pissing me off. and also, i can't stop thinking about how stupid i am because of something i did that has seemingly screwed up a friendship forever. i went for a walk today alone and sat in the park with my sketchbook, my dicsman and my scrapbook~ aloneness can be so therapeutic. especially when you just want to get away from your family.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes
I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me!

i finally put in my guestbook! :D i got it like months and months ago but was just too lazy to stick it up on the pg =P so now i did... soooo... sign it!! =D thanks muah*** ~
i went to the photography meeting today =) i'm so superdidooperly excited!! my dad's letting me use his camera too -- it's supposedly a nice camera that's like really expensive -- but old. but i can't use mine cuz mine uses APS film...
after the meeting today, jo and i walked home together-- twas a nice make up for our lack of weekly mcdonalds breakfast bonding time... also, ya know how i've been wanting to get away? hum.. maybe maybe not. anyways. i've been wanting to get away from the reality of my world for a bit. wanting to go back to pei or just disappear for a while... not have to be me or at least not have to think about being me. well today i got my wish. hahahahaa~*~*~ tis too funny :) if you were there u would be crackin up too =P ... well jo and i are walking down university and seeing all these uw pplz and whatever and jo's like "ugh. we don't look like we're in university."
and i was like "well maybe we could pass as frosh.." and right then these two girls [who we assumed were frosh] walked by and the one girl's like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!!!" so we started laughing our heads off and being like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!! there. now i'm a frosh hahaha." and i dun remember who it was that was like "oooh! let's pretend we're frosh and start talking about intelligent stuff!" so jo starts and the first intelligent thing that comes to her mind is --- fatty acids! hahahahaha so we became general science frosh! :) her name -- mckenzie lee and mine was ryanne chan or did i change it to dani or somethign i can't remember. anyhoo so we're just like "SOOOO... how are your classes going? it's *so* cool that we are in the same biology class! i'm *so surprised*! our prof is very nice.." blablabalbla and we started asking eachother "so... what highschool did you go to?" and all this omgoodness it was so funny and we were actually acting so serious about it as we passed people standing around and stuff and they *so* thought we were university students they did they did! and supposedly, i have a boyfriend named jordan that goes to western and "mckenzie" has a sister named Lucy who's in fourth year in pei hahaha... yes... i know we're strange but it was our hyper deed of the day =P but in a strange way it was not fun only because we were being silly but because i got to assume another identity and for an hour, become someone who didn't have to deal with any of the things in my life right now...
but on the other hand... it also made me think about [because mckenzie and ryanne's lives were sort of screwed up] how many amazing blessings i have and how great God is to me all the time. ... i was listening to Before Your Love by kelly clarkson and it's about a guy but part of it really reminds me totally of God's love [>]
"I wonder how I ever made it through the day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray?
When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don't know how
And I looked into your eyes
With the world stretched out in front of me and I realized
I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived before your love " [kelly clarkson]

everyone wash your instant noodles. [patty does too :)] wow i'm just discovering all these people who care about not eating wax! hoorah! :)

p.s. bo peep also washes her noodles heehee =)
pps. i don't like needles =( owie.

in the libraryagain... i signed out of study today:) goingto getmyTBskintest done in like 20min...so i'm chilling herefor 20minwhile i wait for my mom. it'sthis computer again. ahk! why is it that everytime i come to the lib i get stuckwith thestupid computer with the messed up keyboard? hmph.

Miss Vickie's Roasted GarlicandHerb chipsare really good... just picked myself up some :9 yum yum.they are loaded with msg...but SOOO good. at least no wax unlike instant noodles ... unless u wash them like tm does. but idon't think very many people do. boy oh boy i want more. by the way, sheepie, that is hilarious! who wrote that? hahahahahaha i'm guessing caleb hahahahahaha so funny. iknow it wasn't me. i wrote "for God so loved the world that He gave his oneand only son thatwhosoever believesin him shall not perishbut have ever lasting life." bORing. well no. it's really not boring, it'sthe actual thing. but i then, didn't make up an interperative dance to go with it either =P

excerpt from an email i wrote my friend today ==>>i miss you la!
[things have been really bleh. i've been really frustrated by my own incompetance compared to others lately ... today sort of set it off... i dunno ... i'm pmsing and then there's just all these ppl who are just pissing me off so much but i really wanna try to not be so reactive in every situation so i shut up and keep it inside like today with ********** and ********.. and then there's guitar which just proves how much better all my friends are than me and ughughguhguhguhgh i'm just so sick of it all and also i DON"T HTINK I HAVE A SPIRITUAL GIFT! *inhale* exhale* ... calm calm calm calm calm ... ]
need some midol.

having one of those days. one of those days where it's hard... hard to remember the significance of my existance. wait a sec. what significance? i'm not quite sure what is the matter with me these days. but i'm suddenly feeling this big insecurity that i usually do not displeasure of feeling. perhaps this is due to certain elements such as the weather or the time of the month. =P

i think it was lyds who once said that i never blog about my family. well here i go-- my mother was pissing me off so increduously much today i wanted to scream! as i said, i haven't had a great week and i was trying to talk to her about one of these insecurities that i've bee feeling. i was telling her about how this guy in my bio class came up to dora and i and asked dora for her contact info etc.. and how all these guys have been going for dora lately and bla bla bla... oh my goodness are mothers not supposed to care about your feelings? well i really don't think mine does because gosh she just was like "oh! did dora give him her info?" and i'm like "yeah.." and she's like "omg if someone asks you don't give them your info bla bla bal bla" and i was just like "OH MY GOSH! WHO FRIGGEN CARES!??!!" here i am trying to pour my heart out to her and all she cares abotu is stupid little details that are of no significance cuz if she can't tell the whole POINT to the story in the first place is about how these situations are NOT HAPPENING TO *ME*!!!!! why is it that she can't be just a bit more sensitive?! and then she gets all pissed and is like "that's important! you have such a bad attitude." well guess what? i dont' friggen care if i am the biggest bitch in the entire world right now. but of course my feelings come second to your ridiculous obsession with the unimportant details in my stories. i can't stand it when people do that. pick at the little tiny things i say and point out all my mistakes in my sentences... like when i'm going on a rant and they interupt me when i swear or say something that is not good enough for them. well gosh maybe just once in a while i'd like it if people could just listen to me. just listen and give their opinion at the end about the actual situation and not about how the car in my story should actually be blue not yellow or something. i've been finding this a lot with my mom lately. it's just been like... crazy. i was so happy last week cuz this girl that i was praying would come to church came and when i asked her if she'd help out with singsperation she said yes and i was so psyched so i started to tell my mom and i was like "oh my gosh! you know what happened? you know victoria?..." and she's like "why do you always have to say oh my gosh or whatever? you always say that. one of the people i work with said that's not good" [she always talks about the people she works with. they thing pissed off means something abotu a horse peeing or something O_o] and i just got so mad because i had the most greatest news and all she can do is pick at whatever doesn't matter and i was just like "forget it." and walked off cuz i just can't take it anymore.

anyways i could go on about my dad and my sister but i'll save that for another day. i'm already stressed out enuff. have worship practice tommorow :D so excited cuz i haven't done worship since summer... cept i'm also not excited at the same time because i dont' get to drum this term... but that's ok. i'm open for new experiences... we shall see how it goes :P ... gonna go catch up on some sleep. or something.

[this pic is soo cute :) it's from this amazing book of photography i got for my birthday from gen waiki and lue it's prolly one of my favourite things i own-- AHH! i love photography... ]


"hanging from the ceiling life's a mobile spinning round with mixed feelings crazy and wild... sometimes i wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD-- everything's changing when i turn around all out of my control i'm a mobile..."
summer's over. or so it seems... it got pretty hot again these past few days but i think it's pretty much settling into fall now... ahhhh i'm gonna miss my tan. the sun beating down on my bare skin-- mmmm. summer's my favourite season-- the season in which i have not a care in the world as i bask about in the sunlight soaking in the warmth of the rays contemplating what i'd like to do in the next spur of a moment. i flip my hair to the expectations of the world. now it's fall... i'm into the school *gag* mode now. dreading each day as it comes.. having only weekends as a motivation to move on with each passing hour, with each passing class. SAT meeting tommorow morning. will i go to school in the states? will i not? what are my future plans for my life? "what are you going to be when you grow up?" the "overkilled" question haunts my mind as even my subconcious is asking me. you know there's something unsettling about realizing that each grade you make is contributing to either helping or ruining your future. my gosh. i don't wanna deal with this right now. perhaps i will go to Devri [right dora? hahahaha] or perhaps gladys and i will get our cardboard box lol [along with our couch that was thrown out by someone in wcri and our keyboard-so we can make some moula] =) =P where will i be in two years time? i can't believe i have to decide in one. i'm sixteen-- i'm goign to university when i'm still seventeen-- ugh. where will all my friends be? where will everything i'm used to be?....



i feel like i need a hug right now. when i close my eyes i can just picture myself as that little girl *grin* so much is going on. hugs are for happy and sad...
happy: Waterloo Christian fellowship [aka Interschool C F] started today.. i'm hoping to get a lot more involved this year... last year i just showed up and sat around...
singsperation stuff is starting to get done..... starting...
i'm learnign guitar!!! omgomgomg yeah :) i'm hoping i'll be able to play good soon :D
this girl... who isn't a christian who i've been praying for is coming to church now.. it's more complicated then that so more happier but i dun feel like typing it all out...
sad: school
feeling betrayed. not gonna say by whom. but let's just say when people say something they should keep their word. when people say ur their friend they should act it. when people say they arent' goign to change due to certain circumstances they shouldn't. don't treat me like an inferior you dick [even tho you're not reading most likely] who the hell do you think you are? jsut because i'm a 16 year old girl doesn't mean what you say to me doesn't count. oh my goodness betrayed is not the word. more like stabbed.
i have zero love life right now... i have no boyfriend and no interests. nothing. ahhh :P that could be good too i guess. *sigh*

well that's all for now. hey lookie there's more happy things then sad things.... hoorah!

school---the pain of my existance.=P
mygoodness i wanna go home. it's 9:00am. i'm supposed tobe in english class...but my english teacher isa sweetheart and she doesn't carewhat i do=) ...yayay.butthat doesn't mean i'mhaving any more funhere inthelibrary AH!!! this stupid spacebar doesn't work properlyat all!!! =P
*sigh* i'm gonna go back to class this is pointless and email is firewalled. howabsolutelyretarded.