had our last tc training out in toronto today ... was okay... found out who was on our team and stuff... heh i think the best thing was just seeing all these ppl like ivan alan alfred and sophia who were all counselling and the best best thing was seeing shabba and jeremy :)
but yeah, we got a bit of time to prepare stuff oh yeah our team name is Thomas now :) did you know!!!--- that Thomas felt SO guilty about doubting Jesus that he decided to choose the hardest missionary job and go to CHINA?? i jsut learned that today from PT and i think that's so cool... we totally didn't know that. eee anyways i'm pretty pumped for tc now... although a little nervous becuase a third of our team is nonchristian and just.. i dunno... i'm scared i'm going to say or do something wrong. *sigh* just gotta pray on it. hard.
watched "Elephant" with praylude tonight.. was weird cuz we just picked some random movie and it ended up being along the same theme as Bowling for Columbine which was the movie we were originally going to watch but were too lazy to go get. anyways Elephant really creeped me out.
things i want for my 18th birthday : 1 cartilage earring, 1 cat, 1 amazingly beautiful minolta camera.
that is all. haha so waht if it's still 6 months away? :P i'm sleepy.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
chips, chocolate, and grudges held
i didn't know hardly anything about lent until just this year... but talking to shabba about it and reading different stuff got me really thinking about it and whether maybe i should observe it this year. I knew that you generally give something up during lent. last night, i decided that should be chips and chocolate. which includes smart food popcorn. which i tholught was an adequate thing to give up considering i have chips and chocolate everyday. But then i was reading this article shabba sent me a few days ago btu i never visited until today.
"Lent is a time of self-denial, a time to give up something. But Jesus isn’t concerned with chocolate and CD’s – he’s concerned with what’s going on in our hearts. Lent is a time to give up those sins in our lives. It’s a time to give up the sin of hypocrisy – acting like a Christian on the outside, but being proud and self-centered on the inside. Lent is a time to give up the sin of duplicity – being a Christian on Sundays, but being an unbeliever on Fridays. It’s a time to give up the sin of being lethargic – “someday I’ll get my act together spiritually. Right now, though, I’m just too busy focusing on everything except God.” What is Lent? Lent is that man who stood in the back of the temple, and looked down at the ground, and prayed to God, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
kind of an eyeopener really. i never thoguht of it like that. i thought of lent as more of a time of self denial for the purpose of sharing in Jesus' sufferings to a miniscule degree, or practicing self-control. but perhaps it's both.
so i have decided to give up just one more thing, the grudges i hold. if you know me, you know i hang on fast to grudges and for a long time. i believe this to be something that is a barrier between God and myself... a stumbling block in my growth... and something that needs to be taken out. i just never really "got around to it" rather, i never made an effort becuase reality was, i wanted to hold those grudges. i have a multitude of sins to choose from... a crazy unending list of them... but i think this one is the most prominent and pressing beacuse how can i be close to Love when i hold so much hate and contempt in my heart?
so there you have it. forty days (and hopefully longer) of no chips, chocolate, or grudges. errr...'happy' ash wednesday?
i didn't know hardly anything about lent until just this year... but talking to shabba about it and reading different stuff got me really thinking about it and whether maybe i should observe it this year. I knew that you generally give something up during lent. last night, i decided that should be chips and chocolate. which includes smart food popcorn. which i tholught was an adequate thing to give up considering i have chips and chocolate everyday. But then i was reading this article shabba sent me a few days ago btu i never visited until today.
"Lent is a time of self-denial, a time to give up something. But Jesus isn’t concerned with chocolate and CD’s – he’s concerned with what’s going on in our hearts. Lent is a time to give up those sins in our lives. It’s a time to give up the sin of hypocrisy – acting like a Christian on the outside, but being proud and self-centered on the inside. Lent is a time to give up the sin of duplicity – being a Christian on Sundays, but being an unbeliever on Fridays. It’s a time to give up the sin of being lethargic – “someday I’ll get my act together spiritually. Right now, though, I’m just too busy focusing on everything except God.” What is Lent? Lent is that man who stood in the back of the temple, and looked down at the ground, and prayed to God, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.”
kind of an eyeopener really. i never thoguht of it like that. i thought of lent as more of a time of self denial for the purpose of sharing in Jesus' sufferings to a miniscule degree, or practicing self-control. but perhaps it's both.
so i have decided to give up just one more thing, the grudges i hold. if you know me, you know i hang on fast to grudges and for a long time. i believe this to be something that is a barrier between God and myself... a stumbling block in my growth... and something that needs to be taken out. i just never really "got around to it" rather, i never made an effort becuase reality was, i wanted to hold those grudges. i have a multitude of sins to choose from... a crazy unending list of them... but i think this one is the most prominent and pressing beacuse how can i be close to Love when i hold so much hate and contempt in my heart?
so there you have it. forty days (and hopefully longer) of no chips, chocolate, or grudges. errr...'happy' ash wednesday?
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
another day
my brain is like mush. went out for unofficial rugby practice today which went alright. much better than last time. i can actually make it around most of the block nonstop now but i'll need to pick up a bit alot by monday when real practice actually starts. i'm dreading it so much actually. but there's no way i worked my ass off so much last year to just not go back.
i feel like i haven't blogged for a while... but it's only been like two days haha.. sunday was okay like a FULL day of church 8:45 - 3:00pm.. pretty crazy but worth it. i guess the only really frustrating thing is the children's ministry at kwcac. ugh. i can't really think about that right now. it jsut upsets me. well.. the canto ones mostly. it's frustrating because i really thought more of them than they displayed. i guess maybe i was just so blind to it until now. how do we bring passion and love for God into these people's lives? i somewhat blame myself. because i vowed i'd never make worship a chore for them. but have i somewhat turned it into more of a joke? ... i dunno. i just hope that not everyone decides to just walk out on this ministry. that's the LAST thing it needs and i think that's the last thing God is trying to say to us.
heidi's back for reading week this week! anddd blogskins and i touched up her blog a bit so go check it out : http://smiley-koala.blogspot.com
back to writing more applications for universities that aren't going to accept me.
my brain is like mush. went out for unofficial rugby practice today which went alright. much better than last time. i can actually make it around most of the block nonstop now but i'll need to pick up a bit alot by monday when real practice actually starts. i'm dreading it so much actually. but there's no way i worked my ass off so much last year to just not go back.
i feel like i haven't blogged for a while... but it's only been like two days haha.. sunday was okay like a FULL day of church 8:45 - 3:00pm.. pretty crazy but worth it. i guess the only really frustrating thing is the children's ministry at kwcac. ugh. i can't really think about that right now. it jsut upsets me. well.. the canto ones mostly. it's frustrating because i really thought more of them than they displayed. i guess maybe i was just so blind to it until now. how do we bring passion and love for God into these people's lives? i somewhat blame myself. because i vowed i'd never make worship a chore for them. but have i somewhat turned it into more of a joke? ... i dunno. i just hope that not everyone decides to just walk out on this ministry. that's the LAST thing it needs and i think that's the last thing God is trying to say to us.
heidi's back for reading week this week! anddd blogskins and i touched up her blog a bit so go check it out : http://smiley-koala.blogspot.com
back to writing more applications for universities that aren't going to accept me.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY P.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
finally got pics up!!!!!! from :
-formal
-vday
-feb. 15
- and today :)
-- click click on my imagestation link on the side (oh if you don't have imagestation login as KREAZELESS and the password is goldflower)
was fun today... went down to toronto for the tc training ... did the prestudy for the biblestudy which was really really good! the alvin guy who was leading it and wrote it suddenly decided to change the original one that they gave us-- but the new one was SO MUCH BETTER! and i'm really excited becuase it was really attention catching and really interesting :)
after the training got to chill for two hours with janey which was really cool because i liek never see her :) we went and took "card" pictures and had bbt :) hehehe fobbbyyy! afterwards, met back up with jo, tiff, and adrian at pacific mall... bought some CHINESE BUNS! and the washrooms are ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. O_O
so yeah, i had a really good day to end off a somewhat crappy week :)
i guess i'm just really having problems trusting lately. with all this university stuff. i just have it all in my mind of how i want it to be... and i just can't really let go of it and let God guide it all to where He knows i should be. i realize that. but i can't say i'm not struggling with it still. i dunno. more prayer.
anyayz to bed. it's actually 1:13 not 11:59 :P... nitenite
finally got pics up!!!!!! from :
-formal
-vday
-feb. 15
- and today :)
-- click click on my imagestation link on the side (oh if you don't have imagestation login as KREAZELESS and the password is goldflower)
was fun today... went down to toronto for the tc training ... did the prestudy for the biblestudy which was really really good! the alvin guy who was leading it and wrote it suddenly decided to change the original one that they gave us-- but the new one was SO MUCH BETTER! and i'm really excited becuase it was really attention catching and really interesting :)
after the training got to chill for two hours with janey which was really cool because i liek never see her :) we went and took "card" pictures and had bbt :) hehehe fobbbyyy! afterwards, met back up with jo, tiff, and adrian at pacific mall... bought some CHINESE BUNS! and the washrooms are ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. O_O
so yeah, i had a really good day to end off a somewhat crappy week :)
i guess i'm just really having problems trusting lately. with all this university stuff. i just have it all in my mind of how i want it to be... and i just can't really let go of it and let God guide it all to where He knows i should be. i realize that. but i can't say i'm not struggling with it still. i dunno. more prayer.
anyayz to bed. it's actually 1:13 not 11:59 :P... nitenite
Friday, February 20, 2004
linked up nipple-head RAPHAEL--- http://-raphael-.blogspot.com
annnnnnnnd yeah. red and white red and white!
annnnnnnnd yeah. red and white red and white!
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
my eyes moisten. and i blink. as if holding it in will make it less real.
but i'm fooling myself because the reality is, all i hope for for next year is so lost.
already someone who doesn't want it has taken one spot. and i know of another who i'm pretty sure has one too. it's only february.
and there are less than 463 spots left.
there is no room for me.
there never is.
screw this. screw everything.
why do i even give a crap?
but i'm fooling myself because the reality is, all i hope for for next year is so lost.
already someone who doesn't want it has taken one spot. and i know of another who i'm pretty sure has one too. it's only february.
and there are less than 463 spots left.
there is no room for me.
there never is.
screw this. screw everything.
why do i even give a crap?
Monday, February 16, 2004
annoyed
so today wallace alex and i were talking on the bus ride home ...
and suddenly these two grade eleven guys were like "how old are you?" to alex and alex didn't want to answer them. so they "assumed" he was seventeen.
so the one guy says to the other "oh my gawd he looks like he's like 83 years old. he needs to lose weight. oh my gosh blabalbalabalbala" like HELLO i'm standing RIGHT there and alex wasn't too far away. and wallace (who used to be their friend) is also sitting right there. i dunno. i just got really mad.
maybe it was because i was really tired and irritable... becuase i'm not normally super confrontational when it comes to people i don't know. but i jsut felt my blood boil and i spun around and was like "is there a REASON you're being such a f--- asshole?? you don't even know him so maybe you should just leave him the hell alone."
and the guy was just like "uhh... whoa... "
i don't care if they say crap about me behind my back or whatever. like honestly. i can't STAND people like that. like WHO do you think you are??? they really are not the best looking people themselves. but no one stands there and talks about THEM like they're like a piece of gum under a table. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHGH.
i dont' know.
was i wrong? was i wrong to go off on them to swear at them?
maybe. but i wouldn't take it back if i could. becuase honestly people like that -- people like them ... or lynch or eric martin.... SOMEONE for GODSAKES needs to tell them how incredibly retarded they are. or else they're honestly gonna just keep thinking it's okay to say stuff like that.
[weekend pics and update coming but i gotta upload my pics first :P]
so today wallace alex and i were talking on the bus ride home ...
and suddenly these two grade eleven guys were like "how old are you?" to alex and alex didn't want to answer them. so they "assumed" he was seventeen.
so the one guy says to the other "oh my gawd he looks like he's like 83 years old. he needs to lose weight. oh my gosh blabalbalabalbala" like HELLO i'm standing RIGHT there and alex wasn't too far away. and wallace (who used to be their friend) is also sitting right there. i dunno. i just got really mad.
maybe it was because i was really tired and irritable... becuase i'm not normally super confrontational when it comes to people i don't know. but i jsut felt my blood boil and i spun around and was like "is there a REASON you're being such a f--- asshole?? you don't even know him so maybe you should just leave him the hell alone."
and the guy was just like "uhh... whoa... "
i don't care if they say crap about me behind my back or whatever. like honestly. i can't STAND people like that. like WHO do you think you are??? they really are not the best looking people themselves. but no one stands there and talks about THEM like they're like a piece of gum under a table. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHGH.
i dont' know.
was i wrong? was i wrong to go off on them to swear at them?
maybe. but i wouldn't take it back if i could. becuase honestly people like that -- people like them ... or lynch or eric martin.... SOMEONE for GODSAKES needs to tell them how incredibly retarded they are. or else they're honestly gonna just keep thinking it's okay to say stuff like that.
[weekend pics and update coming but i gotta upload my pics first :P]
Thursday, February 12, 2004
with winter formal only a day away... and valentine's day two, and with people blogging about and conversing about love and relationships. i can't help but think about this past year in terms of these.
sometimes i trick myself into thinking that love hurting is better than love not existing at all. and that "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
after a while though, if you lose enough, feelings of inadequacy, of ugliness take a foothold.
so perhaps it would have been better to never have loved at all.
you can always tell when valentine's day is in the air.
sometimes i trick myself into thinking that love hurting is better than love not existing at all. and that "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
after a while though, if you lose enough, feelings of inadequacy, of ugliness take a foothold.
so perhaps it would have been better to never have loved at all.
you can always tell when valentine's day is in the air.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Monday, February 09, 2004
the scraping of a faded slide
was this 'poem' that i just wrote JUST WROTE and then when i published blogger ate it up! GRRRRRR. so now its lost becuase i cna't remember it. writing stuff liek that is too "trancey" to remember. >:(
so here's my weekend in point form.:
- went up to pt's parent's condo friday nite and had a lil slumber party" with jo, tiff and pt(well he wasn't int he same room :P) but yeah..
- tc training at 9:00 am bleeee.. coffee time coffee is yucky. and they sell chinese food in that coffee time O_o weeeeeeird.
- training was pretty good... informative but LONG. impossible to stay awake all eight hours. so i slept a bit during one of the talks opps :P
- saw michellie, winnie, matt, becky, and met some cool people such as JASMINE (there were three of us there :P) and ryan, keith, ada, and cindy
- had dinner at congee wong with pt, jo, tiff, g, nita, and ivan
-bought CHINESE BUNS at bigfarmland? biglandfarm? one or the other..
- cheesecake for nita's birthday at ivan's house (SO nice!) and me tiff and jo simutaneously decided ivan has THE coolest mom haha
- led worship on sunday and we did "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord" jazz bar style hehehehhe :) i was the lounge singer and jo was the black preacher ... errr not really...
- practiced iscf multicultural show song at trin -- i love that song. looooove.
oh! so me tiff and jo's TC team name has to start with the letter "T" and has to be either a person or a place from the bible... any suggestions???
make suggestions!
and uhhh NEW O-C TONIGHT!!!!!
was this 'poem' that i just wrote JUST WROTE and then when i published blogger ate it up! GRRRRRR. so now its lost becuase i cna't remember it. writing stuff liek that is too "trancey" to remember. >:(
so here's my weekend in point form.:
- went up to pt's parent's condo friday nite and had a lil slumber party" with jo, tiff and pt(well he wasn't int he same room :P) but yeah..
- tc training at 9:00 am bleeee.. coffee time coffee is yucky. and they sell chinese food in that coffee time O_o weeeeeeird.
- training was pretty good... informative but LONG. impossible to stay awake all eight hours. so i slept a bit during one of the talks opps :P
- saw michellie, winnie, matt, becky, and met some cool people such as JASMINE (there were three of us there :P) and ryan, keith, ada, and cindy
- had dinner at congee wong with pt, jo, tiff, g, nita, and ivan
-bought CHINESE BUNS at bigfarmland? biglandfarm? one or the other..
- cheesecake for nita's birthday at ivan's house (SO nice!) and me tiff and jo simutaneously decided ivan has THE coolest mom haha
- led worship on sunday and we did "I will sing of the mercies of the Lord" jazz bar style hehehehhe :) i was the lounge singer and jo was the black preacher ... errr not really...
- practiced iscf multicultural show song at trin -- i love that song. looooove.
oh! so me tiff and jo's TC team name has to start with the letter "T" and has to be either a person or a place from the bible... any suggestions???
make suggestions!
and uhhh NEW O-C TONIGHT!!!!!
Friday, February 06, 2004
Thursday, February 05, 2004
what a day
went up to tdot today for our latin class trip thingy :) hahaha actually it was a lot of fun -- blog worthy! :)
my teacher brought her father and her son along... her dad usually comes every year and is the coolest funniest guy haha but i'd have to say, i MELT for marco (aka her son) who i got a chance to chill with today and he's just as cool and funny as he is adorable :P
the imax movies were actually really good.. the egypt one better than the volcano one... lol ws so funny.. during the volcano one my eyes started to close and i feel this tap on my arm and look at it's marco and he's like "are you sleeping??" and i'm just like "errrr... noooo..... ¬_¬"
got a chance to have lunch with alan at this really pretty egg restaurant hehe it's really cool inside they have these paintings of eggs... sort of funny but really classy. you couldn't tell by the outside. toronto's so weird like that. things are so ghetto on the outside and then thy're SO nice on the inside OR there's BEAUTIFUL buildings for like really unimportant things. anyhow, it was nice to catch up with and see him althouigh it was pretty rushed cuz i had to get back to the museum for our tour... lol sorry that i made u like run haha :P
the galleries were pretty cool.. nothing too notable... the tour guide really enjoyed talking about boobs and stuff though and was a little OVERLY excited when she was telling ms. hensel about "the newly opened ancient EROTIC ART galleries in rome!" ERR OKAYY... haha.. she was a pretty good guide though haha
played i spy and tictactoe on the way back :) and am really pooped but have been filling out apps ALL nite.
i got emails i got emails! :) mehehe ^_^ *happy sleep for me tonite* !
baiii!
went up to tdot today for our latin class trip thingy :) hahaha actually it was a lot of fun -- blog worthy! :)
my teacher brought her father and her son along... her dad usually comes every year and is the coolest funniest guy haha but i'd have to say, i MELT for marco (aka her son) who i got a chance to chill with today and he's just as cool and funny as he is adorable :P
the imax movies were actually really good.. the egypt one better than the volcano one... lol ws so funny.. during the volcano one my eyes started to close and i feel this tap on my arm and look at it's marco and he's like "are you sleeping??" and i'm just like "errrr... noooo..... ¬_¬"
got a chance to have lunch with alan at this really pretty egg restaurant hehe it's really cool inside they have these paintings of eggs... sort of funny but really classy. you couldn't tell by the outside. toronto's so weird like that. things are so ghetto on the outside and then thy're SO nice on the inside OR there's BEAUTIFUL buildings for like really unimportant things. anyhow, it was nice to catch up with and see him althouigh it was pretty rushed cuz i had to get back to the museum for our tour... lol sorry that i made u like run haha :P
the galleries were pretty cool.. nothing too notable... the tour guide really enjoyed talking about boobs and stuff though and was a little OVERLY excited when she was telling ms. hensel about "the newly opened ancient EROTIC ART galleries in rome!" ERR OKAYY... haha.. she was a pretty good guide though haha
played i spy and tictactoe on the way back :) and am really pooped but have been filling out apps ALL nite.
i got emails i got emails! :) mehehe ^_^ *happy sleep for me tonite* !
baiii!
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Weird morning.
There’s actually capital letters in this entry because I’m at school and want to spend as little time on blogger as possible.
Okay so this morning there’s a burning smell throughout my house… like food burning… and my mom makes me run all around trying to find out what the smell is etc… and ends up… it’s my SISTER microwaving a ROLO and it burned and now my whole house smells like crap.
BHANU!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP DELETING WHAT I WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem. And in the MEAN TIME stop GOING TO FORMAL WITH KAT AND NOT ME!!!! Bum holeeeeeeeeeeee :P geeez. Not like I’m not dateless ENUFF no need for you to rub it in my face :P BUT you should still go. MY SEAL IS NOT A PREGNANT WHALE! …… clarAAAAAAAA bhanu says sirotan is a pregnant whale hahaha
[paragraph deleted]
Bhanu: I can hear your ass typing all the way from over there.
Ok. I’m done now. I hope the rest of this day is as amusing.
There’s actually capital letters in this entry because I’m at school and want to spend as little time on blogger as possible.
Okay so this morning there’s a burning smell throughout my house… like food burning… and my mom makes me run all around trying to find out what the smell is etc… and ends up… it’s my SISTER microwaving a ROLO and it burned and now my whole house smells like crap.
BHANU!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP DELETING WHAT I WRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem. And in the MEAN TIME stop GOING TO FORMAL WITH KAT AND NOT ME!!!! Bum holeeeeeeeeeeee :P geeez. Not like I’m not dateless ENUFF no need for you to rub it in my face :P BUT you should still go. MY SEAL IS NOT A PREGNANT WHALE! …… clarAAAAAAAA bhanu says sirotan is a pregnant whale hahaha
[paragraph deleted]
Bhanu: I can hear your ass typing all the way from over there.
Ok. I’m done now. I hope the rest of this day is as amusing.
Monday, February 02, 2004
my incompetence
i can't write this. i'm trying to finish my Application Information Form for uw... and i just can't. everything i write isn't confident enough. it's frustrating. i *could* write a whole thing on how i know exactly where i want to be in five years and exactly what i need to do to get there. i could write about how i will never change my mind. but the fact of the matter is, it's a lie. sure, i want to do social work right now. but how on earth do i know if i'll be able to handle it emotionally in five years? i know right now, that i can't. how do i guarantee a certain type of growth? part of the reason i even want to go to waterloo is the security of it. the business background the program offers so that, if things don't end up working out, i have an alternative. i just find it difficult to write all confidently and visionary, when i'm really quite the opposite.
and on another completely different topic, i'm winning the bet. i thought i really wanted to win. i thought i really didn't want to hear anything they had to say. but i think i want more than anything to know that they still have a shred of care in them. i don't expect anyone to understand this. and even if i explained the whole situation, few would understand the hurt of it. Because you don't' know how highly i esteemed this person. how much influence they had on me in my middleschool and early highschool years. thinking about the pedestal i placed this person on makes me sick. i can't explain. this just cut a lot deeper than i thought it would. i almost wish i hadn't written it so that i wouldn't have to get nervous every time i check my email. so that i wouldn't have to feel my heart drop to my stomach every time there's no reply. not that i am surprised. but now, instead of a "sidelines" type of disappointment, it's much more upfront. i'm so so stupid. so. stupid.
-viv's bday party yesterday hehe dress trying on and radio was really good
-FORMAL IN LESS ThAN TWO WEEKS!! (need: new earrings, makeup arrangements, transportation. eep.and someone who can help me curl my hair.)
i can't write this. i'm trying to finish my Application Information Form for uw... and i just can't. everything i write isn't confident enough. it's frustrating. i *could* write a whole thing on how i know exactly where i want to be in five years and exactly what i need to do to get there. i could write about how i will never change my mind. but the fact of the matter is, it's a lie. sure, i want to do social work right now. but how on earth do i know if i'll be able to handle it emotionally in five years? i know right now, that i can't. how do i guarantee a certain type of growth? part of the reason i even want to go to waterloo is the security of it. the business background the program offers so that, if things don't end up working out, i have an alternative. i just find it difficult to write all confidently and visionary, when i'm really quite the opposite.
and on another completely different topic, i'm winning the bet. i thought i really wanted to win. i thought i really didn't want to hear anything they had to say. but i think i want more than anything to know that they still have a shred of care in them. i don't expect anyone to understand this. and even if i explained the whole situation, few would understand the hurt of it. Because you don't' know how highly i esteemed this person. how much influence they had on me in my middleschool and early highschool years. thinking about the pedestal i placed this person on makes me sick. i can't explain. this just cut a lot deeper than i thought it would. i almost wish i hadn't written it so that i wouldn't have to get nervous every time i check my email. so that i wouldn't have to feel my heart drop to my stomach every time there's no reply. not that i am surprised. but now, instead of a "sidelines" type of disappointment, it's much more upfront. i'm so so stupid. so. stupid.
-viv's bday party yesterday hehe dress trying on and radio was really good
-FORMAL IN LESS ThAN TWO WEEKS!! (need: new earrings, makeup arrangements, transportation. eep.and someone who can help me curl my hair.)
Sunday, February 01, 2004
a day rolls by like a sad song, and i wonder why i couldn't say things. suddenly.
mute almost, to even you who i would leave my soul with. while i slept.
maybe because a part of me did die today.
and even as I laughed at the words
'inner child', they resounded.
ever more...becoming.
because i never believed my heart could be shattered in this angle. one i never thought existed. but was so mistaken about.
perhaps somehow, the shards that slashed my
childlike faith
intentionally,
accidentally caught my throat as well.
or perhaps they are connected.
because if my trust in you was a lie,
then who knows what else could be.
mute almost, to even you who i would leave my soul with. while i slept.
maybe because a part of me did die today.
and even as I laughed at the words
'inner child', they resounded.
ever more...becoming.
because i never believed my heart could be shattered in this angle. one i never thought existed. but was so mistaken about.
perhaps somehow, the shards that slashed my
childlike faith
intentionally,
accidentally caught my throat as well.
or perhaps they are connected.
because if my trust in you was a lie,
then who knows what else could be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)