praise God praise God praise God!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

i got into Laurier!! ^_^

like this HUGE weight off my back knowing i'll be going to university next year even if all seven other uni's reject me. :)

i need to learn to trust more. ....... God is so weird. this year is TOTALLY *themed* ... i swear it's on purpose. kinda cool though :) wow. early admissions. who woulda thought..

""For i know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

krystal (jing) aka dragonlady-arch-nemisis won the sr. poetry english award. ... yeah, i'm a poor sport. but cmon her poem was called "A Glass Flake" how interesting that one musta been. nah... i'm sure it was really good. *sigh* i can't write. i can't get into university (thankyou alyssa :P). i can't do anythingngngnngnggn.
i will never ever write again.

ever

EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

"how is this day unlike other days?" oc

today
- gave blood: so weak... my muscles were like all cramping up too ... but i knew why! wow. biology semi paid off.
- international business essay exam: was okay
- sat around during rugby practice cuz of my blood loss yayyyyy
-found out we have a 6:30 am practice on wed. : not so yayyyyy
-watched... the O-C!!!!!!!!!! (what else? :P )

this week
-wednesday: HALF DAY! - lunch with kreazeless, DP, kat's new place
-thursday: first pre-season tournament at RIM!
-thursnite: multicultural show @wci
-fridnite: ditto thursnite

on my mind

I feel like i need withdrawal, and yet, i want to be surrounded by people at the same time. The past few nights i've been sleeping early. Crawling under my comforter trying to focus my thoughts on movies and tv shows where things generally have a happy ending. Where values and morals displayed are those saying "if you work hard, things will work out in the end" or "everyone has someone who loves them".

but movies arent' real life.

and i can talk on the phone about it all i want, i can "logic" myself out of it all i want... but in the end i can't help but be frustrated with things in my life. i can't help but wonder what the point of working so hard to catch up in courses was if in the end all that happened was them screwing up my marks and then not sending in the change until the DAY before people started getting acceptances. so that it's really too late because all the universities have already looked at the marks anyways. and how, HOW is that my fault!??! is it because i dind't try hard enough? is it becuase i'm just not supposed to be happy?!?! i can't help but feel angry that all those universities saw my average as like a seventy eight when i worked my ass off to get that 81 average. maybe highschool is super easy for everyone else but i just switched into these courses in december. and i had to learn three months of material in a matter of two weeks for an exam and write 4 case studies on top of continuing work. and all for WHAT? for them to mess it all up. i hate guidance. and i hate teachers.

and what else... well, one of my best friends this year, see, well like, everyone suddenly is really obsessed with this year... i mean, *everyone* wants to hang out with this person. nto that they * didn't * want to before... but it's mORE now.. just people REALLLLLLLY like them. and it's great! i mean, considering they are one of my best friends i would obviously understand why people really like them right? and i never really thought much of it. except that now i just feel so shoved aside sometimes. not so much that they never have time for me. but that it hurts sometimes when certain people dont' even notice i'm there and my friend seems not to care. like the other week during c spare we went to watch the ofsaa volleyball game and you need your student card to get in right? so this guy that was with us was like "oh she's with me" about my friend so the girl just LET HER IN which was like okay so i thought considering i was "with them" as well i could just go in but no. she like made me scrounge out my grade NINE student card in order to get in and by the time i got in i had to look around for them becuase they didn'te ven freakin bother to wait for me. and then after we left the game we went down to the cafe and there were these two guys at this table and we decided to sit there and eveyrone sits down and there's NO space left for me. my friend goes "sit down" i'm like WHERE THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT!??!! except i dind't say this. becuas ei want to be nice and supportive and whatever the hell else i'm supposed to do. one guy who is a friend moved some stuff over for me so there was a bit of space on the table and i ended up sitting in a crack between two benches. and then the two guys started dealing out cards and dealing in EVERYONE except me. and by then honestly i was pretty pissed off so i got up to say hi to someone in the cafe and then grabbed my bag and started leaving. my friend's jsut like "where are you going?" i'm going somewhere where i dont' have to feel so shoved aside. like i dont' matter at all. i shrugged and left running into witmer and crying and telling him about all this and about how hurt i feel. not because i'm jealous, not because i need the attention from her blablabla but maybe if i coiuld be treated like a human being again that would be nice. so sad how i can tell a history teacher that but not my best friend.

someone offerred to go to prom with me "in case" i don't find a date. i thoguth i was supposed to do the asking for that. it was a nice gesture but it made me feel pretty gd ugly. i didn't even know what to say. i said thankyou. but honestly i dont' know how sincere i could be just because i jsut ... felt like it was just the wrong time the wrong place and just ... i dont; know... maybe i wont' even go to prom.

there's more but this blog is already like a gazzillion pages long.
and i'm sure no one wants to read me whining anymore.
i just.
i never expected this year to be like this. i never expected that i would feel like such a loser in every single aspect of my life. i'm not used to feeling like a loser at all, but you'd think i'd be able to take it. maybe it's just the being an "all around loser" all of a sudden that really bites.

it was all riding on that one
word
or two.

but it's easier to just forget it i guess.

so i was talking to colin about this and it sparked my memory of somehting i wanted to write about.

When i was at TC, COUNTLESS numbers of people thought i was in university. The conversations went mostly like this (during senior tc) :

person from toronto area: where are you from?

me: oh i'm from Waterloo..

person from toronto area: oh...

[a few seconds later]

person from toronto area: .. so why are you here if you're in university?

it's sort of funny... not really a big deal but after a while it got kind of O_o.. i mean really. how often is it when you introduce yourself you give your name and the school you go to? like "Hi my name is Joe and I'm from Western", "Hi my name is Jasmine and i'm from Waterloo Collegiate Institute"
like what is THAT? ........
yeeeeeeeeeahhh..

waterloo is a city too :P

so it's been a day back at school...
getting tired again. haha i think it's somewhat psychological... school just tires me out.

(doesn't help that bhanu is sitting here asking me a bazzillion questions... and tellling me to type more slowly and DELETING WHAT I WRITE. =_= and wasting all my camera batteries! :P )

o-c was soooooooo oooooooooooo oooooooooo good last night!!! *ahhhhhh*! i <3 you seth cohen!

nothing really interesting to write. besides.. i'm tired. i wish i had my g2 and a car.

post grad dinner reflection

there is always one of these

first off, i'd like to apologize that i neglected to mention ANDREW!!!!!!!! sorry man... andrew is one of the coolest people i know. but i always forget he's graduating because he's gonna be here in the fall. :P

i think a lot of thoughts were going through my head this year... just.. thoughts of how it's my last year and how i might not be back next year. how crazy it is. the fifth grad dinner i've been at. how over the years God's blessed me so immensely through the people in the ccf fellowship. i mean, i don't have an older brother or sister and through the years so many of these people have been exactly that to me. some of them have been amazing friends. mentors even. some all these things.
i dunno. we ran up to share because we had to leave .. school and all tomorrow.. but... it's just like... i was kind of scattered becuase i was like all "omg let's go we have to leave balbalabla" ... and i couldn't really figure out how to put it all into words. just the BLESSING that i feel. it's like ... it sucks that people continually leave around here. but EACH year each TERM even... God has not ceased in blessing me with these great people who have provided me with immense support, whose characters and experiences somehow coincide with what i need at that exact time.
at TC the theme was "Wait Up"... talking about unity in fellowship and about how God uses other brothers and sisters in Christ to speak to us. God has used these people to intercede in my life in more ways that i can possible say. from what the littlest boy problem to my entire LIFE. my EXISTENCE. and it's baffling!
and... i can't explain how thankful i am.
there really aren't enough words.

just... wow.

ottawa was really fun...but that will be included in my marchbreak update :P

a few things right now.

1. if you want to know something abotu me, ask me. ask ME.

2. it really really hurts to suddenly be "out of the loop"... discluded.

3. and billy joel said to me, "it's was all just a lie". and frank sinatra sang "nobody...". and the top of that girl's head started peeking out a bit.

...TC is over. wake up girl. back to this reality. how do i apply everything from there back here? back here where everything is so much harsher.

all the time, God is good.

wow. TC was powerful. it was inspiring. and rewarding.

going to ottawa in like three hours ... gonna go see the scrolls and stuff and possibly carleton and possibly meet LIL!!!! :D anyways. should sleeep.

HUGE march break update coming soon to a blog near you.

1 highlights
2 academic failure
3 social change
4 in views
5 of life
6 breakdown
7 turning heart
8 in an effort to understand
9 destiny
10 and God
11 love lost
12 and found invaluable
13 trying
14 decisions
15 endings near
16 and missing
17 still learning.

and a half.

frantically working to frantically shopping to frantically planning to frantically packing.
and soon to be leaving for four days of teeeeeceeeeeee :)

really glad to be leaving early to go pray... a good chance to wind down , regain my focus... i really dont' want to be a highstrung mess during the conference and get nothing out of it..

so tired slept a whole two hours last nite and had to teach ss today but luckily tania (my hero) basically taught the whole thing for me while i painted watercolour trees ;)

eeeee TC here i come :) please pray for our team (THOMAS!!!), esp for the eight non christians on it :) thanks!

happy 18thhhhhh to sabs and happy belated 18th to justin! yay for signing yourselves out and seeing passion without having to hunt around for someone to go with. :P

march break... is finally here.

went shopping with jo today.. got a pair of jeans and some stuff for tc....jo got some hooker boots for only $20- at transit. i <3 transit. there's a sale every single day.
then tiff came up and the three of us worked on tc stuff some more haha
yeah, that's gonna be my whole march break :P ;) but it'll be fun :)

hoping to go see passion tomorrow. unfortunately, i'm not 18 and so like my six months less requires me to search around for someone 18+ to take me. everyone's busy tomorrow. *pout*

i'm exhausted. and i think i ahve to get up early tomorrow to go move stuff out of the church. and then another full day of tc prep + i still have to do my sunday school prep. gonna go to bed bed bed.

a close call

funny how jo's blog and mine coincidentaly coincide in topic today. sort of.
taking people for granted. waiting until it's too late.

my dad was in a car accident today. Carpooling with a colleague, she was driving. They were coming back into waterloo from stratford. I picture it along a country road. There are quite a few of those between waterloo and stratford. The driver saw a space and decided to pass the car ahead of them. Then bam out of nowhere a huge truck pulls into the same spot and takes out the front of the car on the passenger side. my dad was sitting on the passenger side.

it missed him by a few inches from his face. the car was totalled, and he didnt' get home until six. But by the grace of God, both he and the driver weren't really injured. It's crazy though, to think of it... how close. how if the car had just gone a little faster, or the truck a tad slower... i probably wouldn't have ever seen my dad again.

How does God take care of us? Let me count the ways. Praise God. and let me be reminded not to take the people i love for granted.

all i can say is, i can't *wait* until march break next week.
school's been hectic... and at the same time becoming so mundane. day in day out.. every day is pretty much the same. get up ridiculously (and un-neccessarily) early--- i have a spare first thing every morning and yet i still go to school first period for lack of a ride later on :|, go to school, listen to the same old voices walk up the same old stairs. the only thing remotely out of the ordinary is when my business teacher screwed up my mark and it went into the universities as a 72. (luckily, it's changed now) but that is not by *far* an interesting or exciting occurrence. just added a bit of stress and misery to my dull days.
i am *very* ready for a break.

next week (well, starting friday at 1:30) will be so great ... go to toronto, see people i haven't seen for a while, TC!!!!!!!! captaining for the jr. conference and attending the senior one, soniccflood concert, shopshopshop, chill, eat, and above all--- absolutely not a SMIDGEN of school stuff. none. YAYYYYY!!!! :D just 3.5 more days to get through.

on an aside:
- i love the snow-- i get to wear my jacket. but after winter we should skip directly to summer. ew spring.
-i don't like when songs start with cheering. like shut up.

hahaha so funny and HORRIBLE! go do it.

FAIRY TALE

nce upon a time there was a young WAITRESS named SETH COHEN. He was VICIOUSLY GRAZING in the CRAZY forest when he met SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP, a run-away SOCIAL WORKER from the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER.

SETH COHEN could see that SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP was hungry so he reached into his TUPPERWARE and give him his BLUE SUSHI. SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP was thankful for SETH COHEN's SUSHI, so he told SETH COHEN a very CRISPY story about Queen SUMMER's daughter JASMINE. How her mother, the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER, kept her locked away in a TEMPLE protected by a gigantic UNICORN, because JASMINE was so UGLY.

SETH COHEN RAN. He vowed to SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP the SOCIAL WORKER that he would save the UGLY JASMINE. He would SING the UNICORN, and take JASMINE far away from her eveil mother, the GLISTENING Queen SUMMER, and SLIDE her.

Then, all of the sudden, there was a POUFY RAIN and SQUISHY JOHNNY DEPP the SOCIAL WORKER began to laugh. With a puff of smoke he turned into the gigantic UNICORN from his story. GLISTENING Queen SUMMER PICKED out from behind a BANANA and struck SETH COHEN dead. In the far off TEMPLE you could hear a MOOOOOOO.

THE END.

Make your own Fairy Tale at fuali.com

and OH how could i not be moved? You're here with me.
so
have Your way in me.
God first. above everything. above worries. above friends. above family.
impossible? seems that way.

aaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeee i got ma red and white coat! :D hehehe
thanks mom!!!!!! it's liek the EXACT one that i wanted too... it's not the roxy one that alot of ppl have it's a "girl" skateboarding one *smile*
Happy birthday Alex!!!!!! 19! oooooooo~*~*~*

kicking myself for having spent every last cent on a payphone
in that i can't and won't deal with this
becuase it isn't my fault becuase i didn't do anything to deserve this
the whole world's out to get me i swear
it's either nothing at all happens or something so
terrible like this.
and i just won't take it anymore. i won't.
maybe it's fate.
fate that i won't succeed and
that the cardboardbox theory will hold true.
in any case, it will be better than chance always kicking me when i'm down
better than being hounded
becuase of course I'm the one in a hundred some odd students who suffers from her ONE moment of disorganization and uncaring. How can i do anything get anywhere if everything is just against me?

it's period b and then goodbye. provided i can scrounge up the bus fare.

how love was

when i thought i knew what love was. when i thought i was in love. when it was fate that he would love me in return. when i knew these things.

the ninth grade.
a year of thinking i was in love with this guy, that even though he perhaps thought of me as more of a younger sister than a 'woman' lol that eventually he would discover his true feelings and on that day he would whisk me off my feet and carry me off into the horizon. the other day jo accused me of wanting to read other people's diaries but not sharing mine-- well here it is. kudos to anyone who can figure out/ remember who this guy is. (i blank it out only to save this guy face, but ask me if you want to know)

[Feb. 13, 2001.]
I cannot fathom a worse fate than this except death. ***** found out about me loving him. it didnt' seem like there was any chance but i guess i was wrong. This world is ruthless. obviously no one is trustworthy (except God). No one. I'm drowning in a sea of endless sorrow, there is no end. There is NO possible way he could speak to me normally again. our pathetic little friendship is OVER. poof! All gone. i just feel so sad. i wanna call him but at the same time i never want to speak to him again.

[Feb. 19, 2001.]
***** doesn't know! ^_^ i talked to him on the phone for 1.5 hrs last night =) *sigh* he made me feel SO much better.

pathetic i know, but at least now can provide me with some source of amusement :P

i may be literally talking
out of my
as my stiff fingers try to release
this grudge
into the jumbled plastic
a comment made
a comment read
finds me in red glasses
and pondering
the naivete of it all
'selfish bastard' indeed
perhaps
one should not judge
until one knows
i can see where it comes from and
agree
that selfishness plays a role
however
subconcious and unintentional
that role might be.
because sometimes
(you would know this if you had been there)
a life lost in the mind of the loser
is for the benifit of others
and is not
neccessarily
a spiteful play to cause
pain.

march.

i was looking forward to march. it's usually better than february.
all i can think about though is how great last march was. how much i miss those months. when everything was pretty near perfect. this march, i jsut feel like the february blues are goign to carry right through it.

i started a prayer journal last night. haven't done that for a really long while... not since like grade six... i'd have to say i really enjoy it. and i think i'm going to keep it going. there's something about writing your prayer down that makes it realer. maybe it's just that i dont' fall asleep in the middle of it or whatever haha but no really. i think it's the action of writing down your deepest darkest thoughts and secrets to God. it seems so much more vulnerable than just merely thinking it. more true.

the first official rugby practice is tomorrow. i'm going to DIE. i am so out of shape. but i know i can run the block at least.
it won't save me. i'm still going to die. *sigh* i remember the first practice last year.
it was totally snowstorming outside... and after, sitting at st. cin's my voice was pretty well gone.
why do i do this to myself? haha better get some rest :P

p.s. happy birthday wayne and auntie sandy :)
p.p.s. yay for return of the king winning all 11 oscars!