well i was abotu to post pictures but it seems as if photobucket is having problems and i dont' want to use hello to post one picture at a time... so the pics will have to wait.

summer has been really great so far.. just a lot of time spent with friends especially kreazeless... times i'm treasuring as much as i can without getting too depressed about it being so close to our 'split'.. picnic tomorrow! :D

this is so stupid. i feel like i have nothing to write about. so i'll just leave you with a few random exerpts from quotes in my yearbook:

something old:
"funny how we both hated eachother in grade 9" m.r.
"I remember our common backpacks from Gap in gym class in grade 9. i love how we both got cooler ones the next year." r.s.

something new:
"have fun in university... but i don't think it will be that fun" w.w. [hahaha...]

something false:
"your so cute + so gentle... and so sweet!" a.k. [... gentle!?!!?]
"there will always be a biology hole in your life" Mr. Deruyter lol...

something true:
"and it was always fun making fun of dora when she wasn't at the lunch table" h.h.
"Jasmine I LOVE YOU!-Brad Pitt" [hahahaha]

something gross:
"try honey roasted irish baby it's a delicacy!" p.g.

words to hold on to:
"I couldn't have made it through these 4 years without you! You have been there through the stress and through the laughter. You have the spunk to go so far and don't forget that the power is all within you!" d.a. [i love you girl]
"Good luck at Waterloo. Don't lead Kathryn astray." MR. WESTOBY!!! hahahahhaa..

hahah okay i'm done trying to balance my yrbook on my desk :P pictures will be up tomorrow if photobucket is running :)

i will take some time this week to post pics from prom and tdot.. i had a really great week :)

however at this specific moment i'm two thirds hurt and one third mellowed out...
sometimes i don't know what to make of things. i get so confused. things appear to be one way but they are another. sometimes people make comments and you wonder what you exactly did wrong because you can't really think of something that bad as what they said. it hurts because you tried but it wasn't good enough.

so... sorry for all the things i did... the ways i acted that i wasn't aware of and maybe still am not aware of. never meant to disappoint/bother.

and on a totally different topic, if anyone knows where my cow is (i'm not saying i think i know in the SLIGHTEST who has it) but if anyone DOES have it... please give him back. because this is just getting ridiculous. i looked everywhere. i've been missing him for three weeks. it's stupid. give him back.

prom was... amazing.

in toronto now with my girlies :)

being ditzy talking it up laughing it up

beach tomorrowwwwww okay dial up. leaving now...

letting go

sometimes being angry feels so good because it leaves so little room for vulnerability.
and even though you say things are fine and you know in your heart that it is only right, and fair, to let go... Sometimes you don't' want to. because that leaves you open again for another hit, another chance at being let down so badly.
that maybe at hanging on to that bitterness for a while longer, it will give you the chance to say "i knew that was coming"... to be braced.

but then, that leaves no room for trust. or love. and, i suppose, on my part, can only be called hypocrisy.

grad lunch

praylude grad lunch today was so funny .. very... prayludish haha.. i'm gonna miss this fellowship. okay i am way too mellow righ tnow to write abotu this. will post pictures later.

omg. i can't believe this week is here. prom. toronto. zoo. finally.

this election chart [from bro1's xanga]is awesome awesome. i was gonna read all the platforms but i'm really lazy.

especially since-- i'm not allowed to vote!!!!!!! :( :( :( just because i'm two point five months under the voting age my opinion doesn't count. lovely.

i like :
- driving around aimlessly ending in girltalk with dora, kat, and tiff
- late night chats with old friends even when you're not sure if they're still awake haha
- angie's with gladys, jo, and kat
- white oleander and c&d with kat
- webcamming with vivvie
- worship with "the choir" (me, benny, amanda, viv), drew, jo, and pt ! hahaha.. .. oh and toby at the very end.

trying to sort out my thoughts on seeing old friends i didn't expect to see. ones who i expected something from and didn't get... and ones i didn't expect anything from and were pleasantly surprised with. or maybe it's better just not to think about it at all. jsut accept things. one for one. it balances out in the end.

anyhow, should sleep soon, gotta teach mando ss tomorrow-- 8:30!!!

testing, testing.. 

it's over :)
thanks God who helped me on my calc exam even though i had pretty much no faith whatsoever
it was easier than anticipated..

harry potter was brilliant~!!!! i LOVED it. WAY better than the first two .. joanna kept saying people toldher it wasn't as good as the first two they LIED cuz it was bloody amazing :) i loved it and i love british people and i love ron. it was a blast hanging out with kat and dawnieeee and amanda :) you girls are awesome :) it's so weird how the mcdonalds connects with the mikeys and boolieeboo lol

... wow... highschool is over...

goign to clean out my locker tomorrow..

studying sucks. but studying with kreazeless... is somehow meaningful. because next year it wont' be liek this. dora will be in ottawa. joanna will be in sciences. okay kat and i are stuck with eachother. but ... still. it won't be the same. and every minute now adays... i stick tight to my heart.

prom is gonna rock :) i have a date-- my date is dora yujie chang hahaha..
hopefully we can take the church bus (still gotta check with pt)
and we're gonna rock rev for an hour hahahaha and then LEAVE and have a slumber party at kat's where we'll toast to our highschool years with pear wine and Now and Then and a movie about university to get us psyched up.
this is what highschool's about. this is what i wanna remember.

calc exam tomorrow
praypraypray please? nites la

yearbook day tomorrowww... for some reason i dont' have the usual exhilaration.
i want the 10 people i'm closest to. the teachers i care about. and out.

i think i just dont' want to read through any scribblings of "have a good summer and a good life!" or "nice meeting you!" ... jsut so incredibly meaningless. reminders of relationships i chose not to build. i find i have so many of those. so many people who are my "friends" who say a hi in passing, an absent how are you. people i'll most likely never see again. not that those "relationships" aren't apprectiated. but sometimes i regret not being able to build them into more meaningful things.

i don't have enough grad pictures ARRRggggg. even though they are ugly i still wanna give them out. if you get one feel so priveledged hahaha... if not you prolly would have gotten one but i gave it away in the hallway on yearbook day.

at dp again-- 3 more days of this..

hehe stole this from eileenie... haha i *am* exhausting. not so sure about judicial though.

J	Judicial
A	Amazing
S	Special
M	Modern
I	Influential
N	Nutty
E	Exhausting

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

well i had my last day of official classes today... there's still yrbook day on monday and calc exam on wed... but no more highschool classes ever in my life. wow. (knock on wood) ...
nothing too too eventful. . . things have calmed a bit in the last two days.. just chilling... went to ccf bible study tonight... and then went and watched some hockey haha it was funny :P and cool too to see ppl who i didn't know played hockey play SO well! also justin taught me how to flip the puck so i could like lift it off the ground hehe so fun.. cept i wasn't doing this on ice or anything my skating skills are... nada and my balancing skills are also nada :P

so, question,what is the line? what is the line that defines when to get mad about something or when to just forget about and not even bring it up at all?

Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

just before I let go....

bits and pieces

[this is all exerpted from KREAzeleSS, if you care to read the rest in full context, this is just what i took that fits together to say exactly how i feel]

it was imagined to be the highlight of our highschool lives, the grande finale to this four year opus, what it is, is a disappointment. what gets to me is the pointlessness of it all. how you rejected me, proceeded to ask one of my best friends, and then after hour upon hour of soaking my notes and smearing my telephone in tears, a headache of stepping back and forth in indecision, resentment between close friends, and painful reconciliation-- you tell her you dont' want to go with her anymore. -me-

i think i've been punched in the gut one too many times over this prom business. this idea of "oooh i want a date" that's been instilled in my mind since day 1 has been the cause of my pain, the cause of the scattered pieces of my ego. -jo-

it turns out I don't have the strength I always thought I did. Now prom is coming up and all of a sudden I'm an ordinary ditzy teenager acting like my small-town problems are bigger than everything in the world. -dor-

prom has really done nothing to me but make me feel ugly and unwanted, hurt my friendships, and disappoint me. but one good thing. just one. the knowledge and comfort that when it comes down to it, the four of us are still there for eachother. and we still do put eachother first. and if we all go single (except kat haha)or if we all go with hot dates, we will go with the full intention of having a blast with eachother and ending this year off with the biggest frickin bang you can possibly imagine, regardless of what hurt whoever has caused us. -me-

but prom is supposed to be a time, where high school friends make memories.. one last time. to dress up, have fun, and just.... remember. -jo-

Prom is overated adn guys are just jerks, but most importantly, I love you all. -kat-


i have the best friends in the world.

P.S.
"Screw you and die, I hope you burn.
You think you're worth more than you earned.
You're nothing, you're worthless,
except for these verses.
Out with the new in with the old.
Die."
- Moneen [posted by dora]

But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
Buy why’d you have to go and make a mess like that

i need a shoulder.


i hate being put in a spot where *anything* i say is wrong. so i choose not to say anything at all.

it's like he just walked away... seriously...



and happyhappy bday smily emily :)

rantification

silent scream. breathe out.
i need this time, this time alone to sort out my thoughts to try to understand myself a little bit better. right now i believe my dependancy has hightened to new levels. that along side with my flakiness level.

like sometimes... even though nothing exacttttly happens, do you evr just really need to talk? do you ever call ppl like over and over again just becuase you need one minute of reassurance?
and do you ever get so upset over something and you know it's completely retarded but it just hurts so much and you THINK you want your friend to do somethign about it even if it hurts them becuase 'you would if you were in their case' and you just need that little bit of comfort, and again, reassurance taht they care fro you. that they value you.

and then they do, do somethign about it and it's like-- crap. that was stupid. i'm stupid. loser immature jerk asshole freak. i can never never never win.

HOW sad is it that i feel like the only person i can talk to is someone i've never even met. maybe that's why. maybe it's because they dont' know yet how retarded i am.

awards assembly was today, i got a plaque! cool. it has my name on it :P

oh and i got rejected from macmaster haha :P

the greater picture

i almost don't want to blog about this as i'm still trying to piece my thoughts together ... i'm kind of a mess... just marveling at God's... way.

i got into waterloo. and because of this, i took a step back today just reflecting while i was talking to my mom about the year and how crazily everything was planned out... so intricately... so perfectly.

it's been a crazy year. i say that a lot but it truly has. and i really didn't believe i would get into waterloo, and for a time i was so angry with God that it wasn't coming and all i could think was "WHY?! why after all this crap can't i just have this ONE BREAK. it's the ONLY thing i want" God's been trying to teach me about patience all year but it seems like i never learn, trying to teach me about trust all year but it seems as if i'll never get it. but then... this whole UW thing... was so beyond my control beyond my constant need to "DO" something... and i just HAD to give it to God and just keep reminding myself that His plan and His way were better than anything i had planned for myself. It's like, He's proved that to me so many times this year but i just kept on forgetting. and then with this uw thing eventually after just praying and praying and taking the TIME needed to understand... i think i did. waiting on this praying on this i think when i decided on carleton that God really broke me, that i was truly prepared and trusting that no matter what happened, it was in God's hands.

i am BEYOND happy that i got into UW... but what makes me even happier is that it was withheld from me for that long that this whole year has been lesson after lesson. what would have happened? what would have happened if everything had been so easy so simple... i would be even more prideful and untrusting than i already am today.
the song playing "Gratitude" i have sung to myself every day as i'd purse my lips after checking yet another fruitless mailbox. i think gratitude isn't something to be felt only when things turn out your way or even in looking at the bright sides of things... i think it's something i need to try to feel more of every day in knowing that every single thing is part of this huge picture that i can't see, molding me. He sees so much further. looking back to the beginning of this year i just have to cry because He saw all this and i didn't understand it then.. but now... oh but now...

seems as if He always gives it to me after i kinda figure it out. my main dilemma too was if i got in to uw but not into coop... but i got into coop. so i didn't have to make that decision. it's just so clear.
omg this is getting so long but i can't stop it's jsut so unbelievable.

i have so much to learn.

june is here.
june is here
...
JUNE IS HERE. 7 days til athletic banquet, 16 days til highschool is over, 23 days til prom.

oh! i 'revamped' kat and momanda's blogs for them so check it out :) and also added a couple links (eileenie and superpat)haha