i had my mind set on blogging about Christmas today. let's just say things took a turn of events. my feeling right now is... searing pain on the inside. i feel as if i have been ripped to pieces by the ones i care about. ripped to pieces and as each piece is carefully being inspected without my permission and then promptly being seen as unfit and disposed of in the trash. as i turn to pick up the pieces from out of the trash which have been ruled unworthy, i try to fit them back into myself... create myself again. done! i exclaim excitedly and this is me... but then i notice the stench. i have been covered by the stink of the garbage. because that's all i am to anyone. garbage. i know God made me and i know God loves me... so why do my family and friends all think i'm all wrong? what is it that is so horrible about me? why do they not even attempt to understand how i feel? by hurling insults at me is that helping me? NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this day has been pretty bad. as you can probably tell. i have concluded from the events of this day that:
(a) i should disappear
(b)i am the cause of all the problems
(c) i should become anorexic
(d) i'm ugly, stupid, proud, a show off, and insecure
(e) my room is a mess so that concludes that i'm messed up inside. (yes that is a direct quote)
(f) i'm insecure which means that i do stupid things for example swear and try to kill myself.
(g) did i mention that i'm insecure?
(h) i can't handle any of my problems i can't do anything right i have psychological problems

it's funny how almost all these things are almost direct quotes from my closest friends and family. actually i take that back it's not funny it's sad. it's sad how they think i have problems and don't believe in myself when really, they're the ones who don't believe in me. believe it or not, i say this after talking to someone who DOES understand. maybe not everything perfectly but he/she tries hard. and he/she cares about ME. i'm not perfect. that's for sure. but i am so grateful he/she loves me anyways. he/she told me that even though many of the things said to me today were unreasonable, they were most likely said out of care. after this rant and a bit of time to cool off i believe her. i thank my family and friends who care. but sometimes, insults are not the right way to show it. and sometimes, yelling isn't either. and sometimes when people stand up for me it is easier for me to step down from my pedistool of stubborness and pride and consider what they say out of concern. especially if they say it with an open mind and an open heart. not to mention open arms.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!
i feel anything but lonely today!!! :) i am so lucky to have so many family and friends... more like blessed actually! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! i feel so joyful right now... there's this feeling in the air... i don't know quite how to describe it.. Christmas has been so wonderful so far. i got to spend time with my family and open lots and lots of presents! *grin* ^_~ and tonite we're having this huge Christmas feast with Jo and Heidi's family, Wall's family, Daniel's family, and Auntie Amelia and Uncle Alick's family :) that's gonna be fun-- friends and FOOD! :9 yum. but the feeling is so.. ummm magical... i know that's kinda corny.. but i think it's joy. :) i just can't stop singing! i'm listening to Jaci Velasquez's Christmas CD right now... she sings this song with the Chipmunks it's sooooo cute!!!!!

Anyhoo, i hope everyone is having an even more amazing Christmas than me :) i just wanna thank all my friends and family for being there for me and caring for me even when it's difficult. i know i take you for granted a lot and i'm sorry but i just wanna tell you how grateful i am. VERY. thanks. k. gotta jet!

barely anyone is left in waterloo... it feels sort of lonely i'm not sure why. many people are not going to leave :) yay! :)
tommorow is going to have to go by quickly... cuz i might die if it doesn't. i can't wait til the holidays .... it can't come soon enough for me. my friend yuki is moving back to japan on saturday :*( bai yuki! i guess... on the bright side of things, i can snail mail her ... :? yeah.... i'm feeling sort of empty right now... not like depressed empty... but like i don't have anything to say. it bothers me. i'm always supposed to have something to say about everything... at least that is usually the case. but right now. i only have something to say about not having anything to say. boy is that sad. i kinda wanna call someone. but ... i think i've called everyone there is to call tonight already. darn. and even if i did call, well... i don't have anything to say. :?

i had this weird dream last night...
a large group of people (myself included) were in this room with a big window.... this room was totally unfamiliar to me but i remember that it was night and there were pretty stars. i don't remember who was really there except joanna, my sister, euhan, and evelyn(the mandarin pastor's 9 yr old daughter) and there was a refrigerator in the middle of the room... don't ask me why. suddenly there was a great flash of light and i heard someone scream "THE SUN IS EXPLODING!" and then the earth began shaking and we all fell to the ground... the fridge fell on top of me as i screamed for help. but then... it was over and somehow we were suddenly teleported in some way to a large bedroom with a bathroom... i noticed that euhan was no longer there and that Karen Wong, Dawn (from ottawa), and the girl that was sitting two seats in front of me at joint service on sunday (ARGH!) were there and they were studying for an exam. they had a phone with them.... and i kept trying to get it but they wouldn't give it to me. i was quite frustrated but they explained they needed the phone to call euming so she could hep them with the questions on their exam O_o ... riight. so i stole the phone, ran into the bathroom and locked the door... then i decided i needed to call euhan so ii did but euming picked up the phone and i woke up.

yesterday i encountered a very evil guy in my accounting class. there has never been anyone i hate more in my entire life. the things he said... were... nevermind. but they were really mean. i can't explain how much it hurt.

bai bai to clara and waiki tommorow! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! *grin* and a happy new year!
i don't get it... but it's sad when people leave for like two weeks :P it really shouldn't be that big of a deal. but i'm kinda sad. oh wellies! such is life i guess (heehee^_^) or that's just the way i am. both work quite well. nite.

It's the last week of school before the holidays! YAY! ^_^ i am so excited about Christmas and everything! but i have to do mass shopping this weekend :P blah. some people are just too hard to shop for. :Þ yes. i think everyone should just write out some special list of everything they want for Christmas and distribute it... but then i guess it wouldn't be much of a surprise then would it? i guess the element of surprise is good...

What do I want for Christmas this year... well.. i've told different people different things... i told my parents i want a drumset or a punching bag... i told my friends i wanted clothes, YM, etc... but what do i REALLY want for Christmas? i've been contemplating this... i want all those things... but there are other things i want that people can't give me. Firstly, i want the Lord to grant me perseverance and continuing motivation to do things God's way. in my heart i really want to ... but it's so hard.. "I do not understand what i do for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate, I do. And if i do what i do not want to do, i agree that the law is good." Romans... something. but that's exactly how i feel. i dont' want to do wrong things. and i know i shouldn't... but i do anyways.It's hard. Secondly, i want to gain back what i have lost through the various stupid things i have done. And thirdly, i want the time to spend with my true friends who love me as i am. i guess of all three of those things, the second will be the least likely for me to get. why? well... i'm sure with continued prayer to the Lord, he will grant me strength.. and i will make time in the holidays to spend with everyone if i truly make an effort. but the second one is totally nonsensical and unrealistic. it is also entirely beyond my control. so i really doubt i will be able to get everything back. maybe in some areas that my stupidity has effected but definitely not all. but hey, what can i do? nothing. just pray i guess. praying does a lot though... because the Lord always listens. "though you turn away, i tell you still, dont' know you i'll always love you, and i always will" (Third Day) it is a great reassurance to know the Lord loves me no matter how many times i screw up. it never ceases to amaze me.

btw, as many of you know i've been thinking about baptism for the past long long while... something hit me hard on Sunday and i would really appreciate prayer about God's guidance in the matter... thanks so much! :) time to go... i'm gonna go get my tc form before i gets all filled up before i mail my registration form in or something! =P bai!

pho is sooooooo yummy!!! ^_^ i had #102 again as always... although Jo had to remind me of what number it was that matched with the stuff i always get. Tonight, Ben Em Jo Wall and I went to Ben Tham at ummm.... 6:30?? or was it 7:00? ... no it was six.. hahaha the time changed so many times-- at first it was seven then it changed to five thirty and then to six and then to six thirty *grin* and i think we ended up getting there at around seven :) hahaha what a coincidence Anyhoo, i was really glad to have the chance to get together with Ben and Em before Christmas... i think it was actually the first time this term (and the last) that i did something with both of them i guess because everyone is so busy and stuff but i was really good cuz well ... it reminds me of last last term which was fun and... i guess sometimes, when you spend time with people you realize how important friendship really is. i think that friendship is my second highest value next to God because as Pastor Tim said in his "Friendship Love" sermon, Felios is the only love you can actually control and choose-- you choose your friends and who to really love. so i guess it means a lot since it is not forced or instinct. there's been times this term when i've prolly come close to losing important people in my life who i really care about because of the stupid things i've done. even though i wish these things could disappear and never have happened i think i really gained a knowledge of how deeply i actually treasure my friendships with people. i guess i learned that if you're not careful with friendships they can shatter like glass or if you don't pay enough attention to it or communicate, these friendships will slip quickly out of your fingertips. i've discoverded these things through not only my experiences but through the experiences of others ... sometimes, even the greatest friendships in which the love between people is so strong and they are so close... things can still happen. And so, i guess we all need to just treasure our friends and our friendships while they last. not saying friendships will for sure break apart... but just in case... don't always assume there's a tommorow for everything... carpe diem! ^_^ so i just wanna say that to all my friends out there: i love you guys!!!!!! and you're really important to me and i wanna say thanks for being there mwa***
g'nite. oh! btw, did you know raw bean sprouts can be used to squirt people with? it's fun.. but i have not mastered the technique. :P i'll get you next time ben :)

"Respect your elders." most people have heard this phrase at some point or another in their lives. especially if you're Chinese cuz well... Chinese people i guess place a lot of importance on it. for example, you always call people older than you by the name "auntie or uncle, po po(grandma) or gong gong(grandpa), gaw gaw(older brother) or jeh jeh(older sister)" this applies not only to family but to complete strangers. i've resented this custom ever since before i can remember. deeply resented. why? because, for those of you who know me, know that i HATE AGISTS. agists are by my definition, those who look down on or treat people unfairly because of their age. also, if you know me, you know that i tend to socialize with people who are older than me... i'm not sure why. but it just happens that way. don't get me wrong, a LOT of my close friends are my peers, in fact my very very bestest friend jo is. but ever since i was little i just would hang out with people who were older. that's just the way i am. anyhoo, when i was little, people would try to get me to call my friends who were older than me "jeh jeh or gaw gaw" and i HATED it ... in fact, since i was a brat, i sometimes blew up in their face at the very suggestion of it. or, if they spoke of my friend in that way toward me, i would pretend not to know who they were talking about. actually, i would prolly do the same thing now. just because it's like my biggest pet peeve. i remember one time alexis called me a sunday school kid... and ... yeah. well i wasn't too happy with him. my point is-- why do we respect our elders? pour tea for them first, let them sit first, call them special names, let them have all the benifits... i mean, really old people i get it because of them being so old and frail and stuff ya know... no biggie at all... but how about people in their 40's, 30's, and even 20's? how are they entitled MORE to my respect than a six year old? a very wise friend of mine once told me "respect has to be earned" and i agree. by being born at a certain date are people entitled more respect than others? umm don't think so... we don't CHOOSE that remember? i think people, including myself, forget quickly what it's like to be a certain age and then don't give it the due respect. i think that if someone wants me to respect them, they should maybe do something that's really worth respecting. the older you are, that just means that you've had more time to do that something that's worth the respect society so blatantly expects.

that was my rant for the day. ^_^ i had an ok day ... Lozon was really nice to me today and i realized he has really nice blue eyes. NO i do NOT have a crush on my science teacher! ... i have a crush on Jo's history teacher... *sigh* what a hottie ^_~ anyhoo, this week, i've been trying to be less of a reactive person in situations as in a "don't bitch back" type thing. ... what that's resulted in is me crying twice in the past two days at school. GRRRRRRR i HATE crying in front of people it's so embarressing... i hate when people ask you what's wrong just cuz they want to know, not cuz they actually care. plus, my makeup runs when i cry :P but anyhoo, i decided i'm gonna keep trying... but this time instead of just trying to hold it in, i'm gonna try to either not care what happens or be optimistic about it. i also think i need to stop talking about people behind their back as much... it's not as if i do it intentionally... but it just happens but that's definitely something i'm gonna work on. (prayer please? *grin*) so yeah. this will be interesting i'm sure. anyhoo, time to sleep. this blog has been one whole ramble of thoughts. sorry if it's un understandable.. i will try to make it more better next time. i think i'm just too tired Christmas is coming!!!!!! ^_^_TWELVE MORE DAYS!!! we can start singing the twelve days of Christmas!!!! which by the way has these coolio hidden meanings.... nevermind. i'm going to sleep now. nite mwa***

wow. i haven't blogged in a long time. i was going to last nite... really i was... but i got sick. headache, tummyache, and a fever too :( :P it was not cool at all. i didn't go to piano. so i missed the duet practise joanna and i were supposed to have and now we have to go on saturday :P bleh.
these past few weeks have been pretty cool :) shabba came up last wednesday and we had lunch and caught up pretty much :) which was really nice cuz i haven't seen her in forever. and... lessie... praylude on friday and we talked about how some secular symbols have become the true meaning of Christmas to others and how we need to keep our eyes on the real meaning of Christmas.
i found this cute poem in one of my old brio's:
Lots of shopping at the mall
Family members come to call
Dozens of cookies yet to bake
Mysterious presents around to shake
A fragrant tree topped with a star
Christmas cards from near and far
But the real meaning of Christmas
when all's said and done
Is the love of God and the Gift of His son! ^_~

yuppers! Jesus is the reason for the season ^_^ i'm gonna try to remember that more this year... but i can still have fun with all the other things we do to celebrate the holidays! :) *grin* my weekend is so packed. Tommorow we're going Christmas shopping in Burlington at six... we're going to Ikea first ( I LOVE IKEA!) and then Burlington Mall for the Midnite Madness :) yay! and i think Dora and Jo are gonna sleep over tommorow nite afterwards... with Kat too maybe... and then on Saturday morning at 9:30 we're going horseback riding with Tara and Taryn and Jenn and ummm... yeah i think that's it it's gonna be soooo awesome!! i'm riding this horse called Princess and she's sooooo pretty! then at 4:00 i have my duet practise with Jo... and then at 8:00 we have Cantata practise at church cuz the Cantata's on SUNDAY O_o and also, on sunday is our piano recital. :P barf. but right now. i need to go study for my math test which is TOMMOROW. *sigh* i got offered marajuana today. i was like "ummm.. NO." yeah. gross man. oh. btw, i learned something today: the average woman eats about 8 pounds of lipstick a year. gross. what's lipstick made out of anyways?