what goes through my head while preparing my speech for speech comm
oh my gosh my speech is tomorrow and i don't know anything
it's 12:00 already.
<...typing on msn>
today i had a big mac instead of a filet o fish! i think the sauce is made out of thousand islands dressing and tartar sauce. or relish. no, tartar sauce.
<... more typing on msn>
*look at mini martini shakers* pink silver blue red
i really wanna use my martini shakers... theyr'e jsut sitting there all shiny and pretty... and lonely.
<... more typing on msn>
dude. why is this guy online if he's not even gonna respond to his msgs. oh crap i gotta work on this thing.
<... type type type read msgs>
what DO we need to talk about for grad dinner... OH!
i can't BELIEVE i have so many freakin meetings!
i have to pick up my book from the bookstore tomorrow.
i haven't seen dev in like two weeks!
what should i wear to lunarfest?
i wanna buy something new to wear. yeah. something new.
i have no nice pants.
i REALLY have to get back to work now.
ugh.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
apology
sometimes when i talk about things-- like, how i had a bad day for example-- i make myself out to be the victim. i think i protagonize myself in the stories i tell; the heroine who tries her hardest but just can't overcome those ill-fated odds.
and sometimes i might even antagonize the people i love the most. even though, in my mind, they're not the antagonist at all, i am.
i think extreme disappointment in myself often is defensively set up in my stories and rants to appear like extreme disappointment in the world and people around me.
really that's not the case.
not that i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong. and generally i even STATE blatantly that i dont' mean to antagonize ppl adn that it's actually my fault but i guess my extreme errrr emotional output covers over those efforts. because people hear the way you say things more than the actual words that you say.
i guess this is some sort of lame apology... i shall try and connect my brain to my tongue more.
(p.s. social psych is the BEST course everrrrrrrrrrr! everything is so applicable and sensical haha)
sometimes when i talk about things-- like, how i had a bad day for example-- i make myself out to be the victim. i think i protagonize myself in the stories i tell; the heroine who tries her hardest but just can't overcome those ill-fated odds.
and sometimes i might even antagonize the people i love the most. even though, in my mind, they're not the antagonist at all, i am.
i think extreme disappointment in myself often is defensively set up in my stories and rants to appear like extreme disappointment in the world and people around me.
really that's not the case.
not that i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong. and generally i even STATE blatantly that i dont' mean to antagonize ppl adn that it's actually my fault but i guess my extreme errrr emotional output covers over those efforts. because people hear the way you say things more than the actual words that you say.
i guess this is some sort of lame apology... i shall try and connect my brain to my tongue more.
(p.s. social psych is the BEST course everrrrrrrrrrr! everything is so applicable and sensical haha)
Thursday, January 26, 2006
UNlearning helplessness
in socpsych we read about something called "learned helplessness"... after a person feels incompetant enough for a while or "helpless" for a while, they just kind of stop trying.
it's like they BECOME helpless becuase they're just so used to feeling that way.
here's to hoping there's a way out.
a remedy.
in socpsych we read about something called "learned helplessness"... after a person feels incompetant enough for a while or "helpless" for a while, they just kind of stop trying.
it's like they BECOME helpless becuase they're just so used to feeling that way.
here's to hoping there's a way out.
a remedy.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
post winter retreat reflection
retreat was a great time of fellowship... seemed like people really connected. the games were actually fun haha there was a lot of small group time and the groups were really well made so it was a joy to be able to share and chill with these ppl more.. worship went pretty well (which i was originally really worried about bc there were some "issues")... the speaker was a cool guy who was in my smallgrp and was a pretty good speaker(lots of stories :P)...i actually LIKED my room this year =) the "early room" ppl who made me laugh even early in the mroning and latelate at night.. and saw coop faces such as CHRISTIE! :D ahem.
but ANYWAYS. winter retreat has kind of brought me to a conclusion of a few weeks journey of trying to figure some stuff out... ok not a conclusion, more liek a "game plan". i was feeling so estranged from God before ... and a 2 sundays ago at cfc the msg was about prayer and how you should pray with a clean heart because if you "cherish" sin in your heart God might not hear you. (psalm66:18). so i kind of errr realized that there were a lot of things in my life i wasnt' letting go of... and maybe that was why i was feeling so far from God.
then i had this conversation with mike about faith. how sometimes we need to take risks and jump in a DO something TRUSTING that God will work in us despite us and not to always have to be comfortable and have everything laid out exactly right for us beucase how is that trust at all then? if you don't have any risk then are you really trusting in God's ability? or jsut your own?
so i got to retreat thinking ok. i wanan DO smoething. i wanna take a chance and see what God wants to show me and how he wants to grow me and etc. ... but i was stuck. because i didn't know where to start. you can't just JUMP into oblivion. i wanted a little bit of direction as to how to know WHERE God wants me to trust him in, where he wants me to take action and stuff... i was so confused. so a bunch of ppl said things that i dont' wanna type out and then during one of the msgs the pastor was talking about this verse (romans 12 something)
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's
mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy
and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of
worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of
this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So here's my "game plan". To "offer" every part of me to God wholeheartedly and fully. i'm gonna schedule out my time so that i can be more effective. cuz i'm really lazy and usually i end up wasting away hour after hour... i'm going to do my best in school... i'm gonna work out ... and i'm going to try and give of myself as much as i can to others incl family and friends and .. i guess even ppl i dont' like. and i'm going to try to love people more. but that's a whole other story that i dont' wanna get into right now ..anyways, when i get my LIFE in check... in FOCUS... maybe THEN i'll be able to see where God wants me to be.
sorry for boring you all for so long and still being so vague but this stuff is so hard to TYPE out. it's hard for me to talk about too. becuase somehow it jsut doesnt' sound as good in words as it does in my head or hopefully in action. so here goes.
retreat was a great time of fellowship... seemed like people really connected. the games were actually fun haha there was a lot of small group time and the groups were really well made so it was a joy to be able to share and chill with these ppl more.. worship went pretty well (which i was originally really worried about bc there were some "issues")... the speaker was a cool guy who was in my smallgrp and was a pretty good speaker(lots of stories :P)...i actually LIKED my room this year =) the "early room" ppl who made me laugh even early in the mroning and latelate at night.. and saw coop faces such as CHRISTIE! :D ahem.
but ANYWAYS. winter retreat has kind of brought me to a conclusion of a few weeks journey of trying to figure some stuff out... ok not a conclusion, more liek a "game plan". i was feeling so estranged from God before ... and a 2 sundays ago at cfc the msg was about prayer and how you should pray with a clean heart because if you "cherish" sin in your heart God might not hear you. (psalm66:18). so i kind of errr realized that there were a lot of things in my life i wasnt' letting go of... and maybe that was why i was feeling so far from God.
then i had this conversation with mike about faith. how sometimes we need to take risks and jump in a DO something TRUSTING that God will work in us despite us and not to always have to be comfortable and have everything laid out exactly right for us beucase how is that trust at all then? if you don't have any risk then are you really trusting in God's ability? or jsut your own?
so i got to retreat thinking ok. i wanan DO smoething. i wanna take a chance and see what God wants to show me and how he wants to grow me and etc. ... but i was stuck. because i didn't know where to start. you can't just JUMP into oblivion. i wanted a little bit of direction as to how to know WHERE God wants me to trust him in, where he wants me to take action and stuff... i was so confused. so a bunch of ppl said things that i dont' wanna type out and then during one of the msgs the pastor was talking about this verse (romans 12 something)
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's
mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy
and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of
worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of
this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
So here's my "game plan". To "offer" every part of me to God wholeheartedly and fully. i'm gonna schedule out my time so that i can be more effective. cuz i'm really lazy and usually i end up wasting away hour after hour... i'm going to do my best in school... i'm gonna work out ... and i'm going to try and give of myself as much as i can to others incl family and friends and .. i guess even ppl i dont' like. and i'm going to try to love people more. but that's a whole other story that i dont' wanna get into right now ..anyways, when i get my LIFE in check... in FOCUS... maybe THEN i'll be able to see where God wants me to be.
sorry for boring you all for so long and still being so vague but this stuff is so hard to TYPE out. it's hard for me to talk about too. becuase somehow it jsut doesnt' sound as good in words as it does in my head or hopefully in action. so here goes.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
had a bad day
but lately, i've just been seeing how small my life is. and even though i can sit here and cry in my room right now... a part of me knows just HOW dumb i am becuase beucase i have so much more than i should even hope for.
i just don't take disappointments that well, ya know?
good things good things:
- miss jane huang is awesome.
- parts of retreat worship practice were really really funny -- swaying and the miner song haha
(to "someone i used to love": i don't even LIKE you anymore.)
but lately, i've just been seeing how small my life is. and even though i can sit here and cry in my room right now... a part of me knows just HOW dumb i am becuase beucase i have so much more than i should even hope for.
i just don't take disappointments that well, ya know?
good things good things:
- miss jane huang is awesome.
- parts of retreat worship practice were really really funny -- swaying and the miner song haha
(to "someone i used to love": i don't even LIKE you anymore.)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
will someone make the annoying girl in my socwk220 class shut uP?
kat and i are taking a socwk220 night class on tuesdays. for the MOST part, this class is really enjoyable. the prof Jon Boyd is interesting, nice, and says useful things in his lectures. i would really really love that class if not for "the annoying girl"!!!!!!
i have no idea what her name is. she was in my socwk120 class last term. i'd always come in late in the morning and there would only be ONE seat left-- front row CENTER. she sits front row, seat next to center. and therefore, i'd always end up sitting beside her.
This girl seems to think that the prof is having a private conversation with HER. as the prof speaks she will engage in conversation with him by making random comments about the professor's anecdotes such as "oh that's so nice!" and expressing agreement by saying "mmmHMMM mHMMMM yeah yeah" whenever she has an opinion about what he says (which is always). This little habit is slightly (extremely) distracting. She also enjoys asking QUESTIONS. while class participation is a positive thing and she has a right to ask questions, she talks SOOOOO MUCH. and asks questions SOOOOO often. sometimes after the prof answers her questions she will RE-ASK the question a few minutes later complaining that she still doens't get it. mind you, it's not that she doens't understand CONCEPTS, it's that she can't comprehend why the professor would make the ethical decision he made in a counselling situation (even though he explains that it is becuase of his own moral/personal reasons/decisions). she takes up many minutes debating with the professor on unbeneficial and unresolvable issues and contributes her own (probably INCORRECT) facts. today she corrected the prof on the rate of poverty in canada.
i usually draw pictures when i am annoyed. so today after grabbing kat's arm and hyperventalating a few dozen times i drew a cartoon of her. today, during the first half of class i swear she spoke at least once a minute. so after i finished the cartoon i realized we still had the second half of class.
ahem. so i decided to time how often she speaks hahaha here are the results (each asterix represents her speaking and the numbers are the time in minutes between each speaking moment not including the time she actually takes up speaking):
* 1min17s * 1min49s * 2min11s * 0min2s * 0min54s * 0min28s * 2min7s * 2min44s * 1min12s * 1min31s * 4min39s(here's where you get an irrational hope that she may have run out of things to say or worn out her vocal chords) * 0min31s *
and this was GOOD for her! first half of class was much MUCH worse.
thankyou for allowing me to relieve my built-up tension. until NEXT tuesday....
kat and i are taking a socwk220 night class on tuesdays. for the MOST part, this class is really enjoyable. the prof Jon Boyd is interesting, nice, and says useful things in his lectures. i would really really love that class if not for "the annoying girl"!!!!!!
i have no idea what her name is. she was in my socwk120 class last term. i'd always come in late in the morning and there would only be ONE seat left-- front row CENTER. she sits front row, seat next to center. and therefore, i'd always end up sitting beside her.
This girl seems to think that the prof is having a private conversation with HER. as the prof speaks she will engage in conversation with him by making random comments about the professor's anecdotes such as "oh that's so nice!" and expressing agreement by saying "mmmHMMM mHMMMM yeah yeah" whenever she has an opinion about what he says (which is always). This little habit is slightly (extremely) distracting. She also enjoys asking QUESTIONS. while class participation is a positive thing and she has a right to ask questions, she talks SOOOOO MUCH. and asks questions SOOOOO often. sometimes after the prof answers her questions she will RE-ASK the question a few minutes later complaining that she still doens't get it. mind you, it's not that she doens't understand CONCEPTS, it's that she can't comprehend why the professor would make the ethical decision he made in a counselling situation (even though he explains that it is becuase of his own moral/personal reasons/decisions). she takes up many minutes debating with the professor on unbeneficial and unresolvable issues and contributes her own (probably INCORRECT) facts. today she corrected the prof on the rate of poverty in canada.
i usually draw pictures when i am annoyed. so today after grabbing kat's arm and hyperventalating a few dozen times i drew a cartoon of her. today, during the first half of class i swear she spoke at least once a minute. so after i finished the cartoon i realized we still had the second half of class.
ahem. so i decided to time how often she speaks hahaha here are the results (each asterix represents her speaking and the numbers are the time in minutes between each speaking moment not including the time she actually takes up speaking):
* 1min17s * 1min49s * 2min11s * 0min2s * 0min54s * 0min28s * 2min7s * 2min44s * 1min12s * 1min31s * 4min39s(here's where you get an irrational hope that she may have run out of things to say or worn out her vocal chords) * 0min31s *
and this was GOOD for her! first half of class was much MUCH worse.
thankyou for allowing me to relieve my built-up tension. until NEXT tuesday....
Saturday, January 14, 2006
somewhere in between
it's like i've been stuck in a rut for so long that it didnt' seem like a rut anymore. it just seemed like normal life. not to jinx it or anything but i feel like the darkness is fading out, almost unnoticeably.
what puts my days together? (for the past few weeks at least) classes with kat-- giggling and writing notes, mon&wed with alison unable to find alone time but excited to see who's next to join us for random laughs, tues&thurs with laur after history walking aloooot and realizing we both talk like NONstop, moooovies (well, we try) with kat, mo, and carsno, midnight bbt runs/morning kd with devinka, shleeeepover with jess oh and voodoo with alison jess and bobby, "dinner"/chillage with andrew, chapters with him and miss bee, randomness with alison, betty, fanny, and anna, MEALS are good for catching up, going home and SLEEPING.
i haven't been brooding about rez much. tonight when i was telling laura's roomie about why i missed rez or whatever i dindt' feel that... fervor or whatever... i dunno how to explain. of course i'm still SAD, but it's a sadness that recognizes it was in the past. and i fail to find that broken part of me anymore.. i dunno, maybe its a temporary recess, or maybe i'm all cried out. whatever it is, i feel... happy. in a not-comparing way. i'm really appreciating things right now.
and i;'m excited. i'm excited (but scared) to explore what God wants to do in me. i DO want to stretch my faith a bit... take a dive... see what happens.. i dunno. i may be stuck in loo not having adventures, and i may not be in my safest happiest place that no longer exists, but today is NEW. and it seems i got up on the right side of bed.
it's like i've been stuck in a rut for so long that it didnt' seem like a rut anymore. it just seemed like normal life. not to jinx it or anything but i feel like the darkness is fading out, almost unnoticeably.
what puts my days together? (for the past few weeks at least) classes with kat-- giggling and writing notes, mon&wed with alison unable to find alone time but excited to see who's next to join us for random laughs, tues&thurs with laur after history walking aloooot and realizing we both talk like NONstop, moooovies (well, we try) with kat, mo, and carsno, midnight bbt runs/morning kd with devinka, shleeeepover with jess oh and voodoo with alison jess and bobby, "dinner"/chillage with andrew, chapters with him and miss bee, randomness with alison, betty, fanny, and anna, MEALS are good for catching up, going home and SLEEPING.
i haven't been brooding about rez much. tonight when i was telling laura's roomie about why i missed rez or whatever i dindt' feel that... fervor or whatever... i dunno how to explain. of course i'm still SAD, but it's a sadness that recognizes it was in the past. and i fail to find that broken part of me anymore.. i dunno, maybe its a temporary recess, or maybe i'm all cried out. whatever it is, i feel... happy. in a not-comparing way. i'm really appreciating things right now.
and i;'m excited. i'm excited (but scared) to explore what God wants to do in me. i DO want to stretch my faith a bit... take a dive... see what happens.. i dunno. i may be stuck in loo not having adventures, and i may not be in my safest happiest place that no longer exists, but today is NEW. and it seems i got up on the right side of bed.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
2b is getting to me
in a good way, that is. =) somehow, this term is turning out much better than i thought it would. i'm just ... happier than i was last term. i like my courses better. and i'm spending more REAL time with people which i'm thankful for. and i guess events lately have shown me how blessed i really am. its so easy to take eveyrthign for granted. and then somethings just show you how small your life really is. at least SO FAR, i'm still having a good time. and i'm gonna milk this feeling as long as it lasts.
in a good way, that is. =) somehow, this term is turning out much better than i thought it would. i'm just ... happier than i was last term. i like my courses better. and i'm spending more REAL time with people which i'm thankful for. and i guess events lately have shown me how blessed i really am. its so easy to take eveyrthign for granted. and then somethings just show you how small your life really is. at least SO FAR, i'm still having a good time. and i'm gonna milk this feeling as long as it lasts.
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