my blog and i are breaking up temporarily.
temporarily means within the time span of a day and forever.
this place is just too... much for me lately. not too much to update but just too much in ways i can't explain.

in the meantime you can find me at http://jazzmoo.blogspot.com my new linkless, commentless, imageless, stream of conciousness blog... as i said it's commentless so if it so strikes you to comment feel free to drop me an email at my new email addy moomoobear@gmail.com.
be warned though, the idea of this one is that it's completely for myself and if you ahve the urge to tell me after reading it that i am completely self-absorbed, i can assure you that is my intent.

okay ciao until 'next time' :P

i had the desperate need to destroy myself in some way

sometimes when it all just comes down to your own inabilities... inadequacies... sometimes when you just can't trust right

no matter who you think hurt you or tore you down

it comes back here. to this place where i wanna rip my own heart out so no one else can. walk away from myself so no one else can anymore.

life is hard but God is good. but i'm not.

what is it i need to become that woman of God. to give that all that i haven't given, to gracefully retract my clenching will from it all? to surrender. to learn. i don't know i don't know i don't know.

happy birthday tara!

the first relaxing day in over a month

practice was cancelled today i'm pretty sure i stressed kat out by walking back and forth from the school getting stuff i'd left behind... i'm so incredibly absentminded. yesterday i left my bag on the bus when we got to grand river and then i left my vest on the field when we were leaving.. the assistant coach thinks i'm the biggest dork. well i am but still haha..

anyhow, chilled at mikeys, got some bbt at teashop saw eunie, went to eumie's and after dropping some stuff off at the kershaw place got dinner with eumie and eunie at golden mango (so full still), then went back to eumie's and talked and took down lights and stuff... it's crzy i'm never gonna see that place again it's kind of weird, until jo and i live there if we go to waterloo hahaha (i had dibs since grade 10~!!!) yeah but.. id unno it was nice to just chill and not do anyhting not worry about work ... say goodbyes... .kinda sad... okay really sad.

got home and found out i got into ryerson whee!... id unno.. okay i should be happier. maybe it's because i'm sad that eumie's leaving... or maybe it's just i dont' know how to decide between the three i've gotten accepted to.. the simplest solution would be to have uw accept me. or at least reject me so i know i have to decide. not htat i'm not thankful to get another acceptance! really i am... getting antsy i guess.

put up some christmas lights.

happy 18th jobanana!!!!!! cna't believe this. its' insane... 3- 18 .. gawd. YOu're not sick of me yet!! :D ... haha... things you can do now: vote, sign yourself out, sign forms, buy ciggies, rent porn, everything your parents say you can't do haha (irt the last three-- i said you CAN didn't say you WILL :P)

saltfleet was a blast :) i actually played despite my absences.. got my face stepped on good times good times

so i came home and a few seconds later lo and behold my parents are frantically telling me to open this letter from carleton and... i got in! :) praise God! i think he really knew how much i needed this right now. he does generally have very good timing. :P and with everything... just... this is a big encouragement :) thanks God.
hmm.. soo maybe i'll be in ottawa next year...

after tomorrow i will be FREE (pretty much)! INSTEAD of at home doing homework til ungodly hours of the night i will instead be found engaging in these activities:
- exhibition game at grand river tmrw
- shopping
- WATCHING THE O-C
- farewell dinners.......... :*(
- sleeping sleeping sleeping and more sleeping

basically-- NOT SCHOOL STUFF. ahhhhh :) i can almost taste it :)

p.s. YAY LEAFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha
my dad bought FOUR desks each for $3 and two chairs for $1 from that uw surplus place :P so crazy *four* desks!! what do we need four desks for??

saltfleet tourney tomorrow... should be interesting since i haven't been there for the past two things she's not goign to play me. ahhh wells. i'll be the photographer. i do that better anyhow :)

do you ever know things but pretend they aren't happening, and get really defensive when people spot them becuase you just really dont' want it to be happening so kind of by denying they're happening it's like they aren't happening even when they are? did that make any sense? lol

little plant

what's harder than doing everything you possibly can to change...

is doing nothing at all and letting God change you himself.

but maybe... it's time to let go of self-empowerment and and pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to work in the unworkable.

not a whiney post

not that i'm not allowed to whine here. it is *my* blog afterall. but i'm not gooiing to!

guess who called the other day? ... abel! :P
for those of you who don't know... that is my driving instructor that i stood up in december ¬_¬(oops) becuase of course switching stuff and never had the guts to call back. "it's been a long time..." he says... and apparently my lessons are going to expire soon so i have to get them done. so monday it's back to the driving lessons for me :P not that i haven't been driving ... but i forget how to park... eeek.

i got my hair rehilighted.. well it's the same colour just the top part isn't black now so it's all hilighted once again.. and i got a trim... nothing BAM .. like you migh tnot really notice if i didn't tell you or you werne't really paying attention. but i like it. the split ends are gone hair doesn't feel so much like straw.

i have valentines sitting on my desk and i don't have the heart to throw them out. i can't mail them now though-- i should really get into the habit of finishing things that i start.

everyone check out jo's blog it's nice she changed the layout so no scroll bars yay i think scroll bars are really annoying and i want to change my layout too though cuz i'm getting bored of it but of course, i'm too lazy.

i want a baby.

sometimes when something really bad happens and you know you can't do anything about it, wouldn't you rather just cry it out and not talk about it?
because you know that if you talk about it people are either going to criticize you or offer possible solutions when you know there is no solution. And even if there are technically solutions to your one problem, they are either unethical or spawn new problems...

so i think the best solution would be for me to mope under my covers and cry until my eyes fall out of my head. and then mope about it some more. unfortunately that will have to be detained until i finish prepping for this presentation. but if anyone wants to call me and tell me how wonderful of a person i am and that everything will be fine that would be appreciated haha jk ;)

what comes after

a good cry. it's surprising
really
how tiring sobbing under a comforter can be
and how easy it is to fall asleep and
forget,

waking to swollen eyes
but walking into a restaurant to find european
caring,
sticking up for you.
it's nice when people are on your side,

funny family, even though they didn't used to be
that,
they include you, as if you belong.
"our own people"

and finding the restaurant you hate for lunch makes an excellent dinner.

i like how i can spend a day thinking about this and that... about change people life wants hurt ... everything... and it really comes back to this. who cares.
who freakin cares?... :) it's so good to come back... i'm always knowing that He's all that matters... but not neccessarily KNOWING knowing. such a peace.

"Your love is better than all things/ Your love is better than all things/ And I don’t have the strength of words/ To tell You truly how I feel/
My God, You are the only one/ For me, the only one for me/ My God, Your love is better than all other loves/ And now You’re drawing me/ And I just want to be closer to You"

the 'm' word

i really haven't thought about 'm'aturity for quite a while. i think it's jsut becuase university is approaching and i'm afraid that i'm not ready. i used to give maturity a lot of thought, alot of time... i guess it used to matter to me a lot more.
mostly because when i was much younger and hanging around with older people i felt looked down on or judged because of my age, and i was determined to prove that i was more mature than they initially judged me to be before they knew me. which i guess is an immature thing to do in itself.
the thing about being younger though, is that people make up excuses for you for the stupider things you do... People used to tell me i was 5, 6 years more mature than my age... but i think it's because the immature things i did were brushed off because of my age. id unno. i guess i'm just used to getting away with things all these years that now it's like certain immature thoughts/things that i do are still here. but now i'm turning 18... no longer subject to agist judgements ... that i don't really care... and maybe i even try to be less mature sometimes because i think that's the way i'm "supposed" to act... and people don't make 'excuses' for me anymore...

in any case, last night someone told me i was "half and half" in htat sometimes my thoughts and reflections are really mature, but sometimes i act super immature... and it was weird thinking about this. i didn't realize i was such a flake :P i think i'm just really immature all the time hahaha... the point is......... i don't know what the point is, this is just on my mind and i felt like typing it out.
BLAH I HATE SCHOOL.

congrats jo on your baptism yesterday!!!!! :) :)

after that we had pho and then kreazeless+mo went to see ella enchanted hehe which was good! and really cute :) anne hathaway is cool. everyone should go see ella enchanted it's funny :) not to mention the guy is pretty cute too ;)

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an Old Rugged Cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame;
And I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain.

So I’ll cherish the Old Rugged Cross,
Till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the Old Rugged Cross,
And exchange it some day for a crown.

Oh that Old Rugged Cross, so despised by the world,
Has a wondrous attraction for me;
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary.

In that Old Rugged Cross, stained with blood so divine,
A wondrous beauty I see,
For ’twas on that old cross Jesus suffered and died,
To pardon and sanctify me.

To the Old Rugged Cross I will ever be true;
Its shame and reproach gladly bear;
Then He’ll call me some day to my home far away,
Where His glory forever I’ll share.

highlighter hands, highlighter nose, heavy feet ankles, weak
suppose for a moment that i didn't constantly fall, what a joke
it's that extra centimetre i couldn't jump foot or two
i couldn't run without
gasping
it's that basket i make when no one's looking
but those flustered fumbles that happen when all eyes are turned
around
it's that thing i never called poetry until i was
convinced
and then it's like i did something so wrong to feel remotely good about myself. and it's in my face again how i really can't... how it isn't.
what always happens
like i'm not allowed to be happy for too long, i hit myself
for telling people i want to go to uw next year
like that'll happen.
and then i'll have to live with everyone knowing i got rejected
again.
abandoned
as always.
and i wonder, why did You die for this piece of garbage?

my 'visual' has changed now to a slideshow instead of just one pic :P check it.
i didn't make up the code or anything it's from codelifter :P more coming but i'm too lazy to upload anymore imgs right now.

potpourri

- my business teacher cried today saying about how much she loved our class and was going to miss it. it was soo sad! i really like her, i mean, she's a good teacher despite her messing up of my mark. she keeps me interested. i like international business. but not this report i'm writing. all nighter? most likely. i will post when i go to bed.

- a saying i dont' believe in is : Absence makes the heart grow fonder
that's not true at all. sometimes people forget or sometimes there's jsut so much going on that if something's not right in your face you dont' really think about it. and the less you think about it the less it matters and the less it matters the even LESS you think about it and... andd... okay.

- rugby has been okay... i've toyed with the idea of quitting. ms. a is less understanding this year (most likely due to her pregnancy) and sometimes i just have work to do and can't go to practice. i mean on a balance-- university or practice, university or practice... hmmm. i think i pick university.
but it's been good. the team is great all except well, christine who i already didn't like last year. yesterday she tried to tackle ms. a. 8.5 months pregnant ms armatage!!! like HELLO i knew you were stupid but i didn't think you were THAT stupid. it was really funny though everyone was just standing there giggling. the tournament was fun too though, and i'm getting a sweater and pants with rugby and my name on them which is exciting :P

- i can not WAIT until after practice tomorrow. weekend = sleep.
btw, does anyone know how much it costs to get things bound at kinkos?

And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I'm measured, but You know better

Fragile, frail, and so far from who we wanna be.

it's too early. honestly, at the end of this year i'm going to go back in my archives and count up how many times i said "it's too early to be here". I admit though, i enjoy my alone time. in the beginning of the year i complained about how i hated that i was alone during A spare since eveyrone else slept in. now, although i welcome my friends' company, i find i appreciate the days when no one comes which are rarer lately. and i find i sometimes unconciously ignore people. all the same i would rather be sleeping. i'm so tired i didn't even put my contacts in today. eee glasses are so annoyyyyinnnggg!

had dinner in mississauga last night with tiff's fam which was cool becuase fiona's back so it was good to see her again.. the food at emerald is pretty good... fiona's mom bought us TEA!!!!!!!!!!!! umm.. not just any tea, the milk tea you can only get in hk that is SO GOOD and that we ran out of because i am so addicted.

not really much else to say except that after reading peoples' blogs i'm missing people alot. missing moments, missing voices. there's voices that make you feel so safe... feelings, words, just that particular way the sun comes off your back, the smell of the air, the moments i just stopped and breathed in to remember a smell a feeling that i can't recall anymore it's frustrating. breathed in contentment. i have this one specific moment that is honestly the picture of happiness for me. AHHH i wish i had it here but i will post it later. it's weird. i was alone at the time. but ... everytime i think about absolute contentment and peace, i pull this memory out.

okay enough of this. should go to class soon.. chocolate in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!

kat and i ran into eumie during c spare and ended up going out for lunch after picking up jo from school (dora was out at benny's)... was good being able to chat and stuff ... makes me miss the "girl's cell days" although we were missing three others...i've been missing that a lot lately. anyways that reminded me of my april banner and how it was april and i hadn't put it up yet :P the picture is from last april outside lailai oh how i miss those days.. the "sixteen" days where university was still seeming so far away.

Rugby tournament yesterday …eck I’m pretty sore today…but it’s a good sore…not as much in my legs like usual so I can walk. We came third overall in the tournament but second in our pool (there were two pools) I was confused though cuz I kept thinking we came second overall. But that would be the team who won the other pool… the only team we lost to was Sacred Heart who came first…we played them last year at cwossa and lost badly and apparently they won ofsaa before so I don’t’ feel bad haha..

Multicultural show started last night too… it went alright I guess but the mic was too high so basically no one could hear me anyways but shmeh! The song’s so high I don’t even want people to hear me singing so uglyish :P …

Not much else going on… waiting for acceptances/rejections… easter’s coming! Yay long weekend! And I still haven’t seen the Passion yet.