what is the matter with me?
i feel like a mix of myself and this totally different person. a stranger i have never really encountered except maybe a few times in distant memories which i can not recall whether they were dreams or reality.
it's like... half of me is full of anger and swearing and bitterness. and accusations. the deep desire to break out and defy anyone who dares stand in the way of my happiness... and the vengeful attitude that propels me to blaming them for future tragedies i have predicted in my head.
and then the other half is glancing down at my w.w.j.d. bracelet that i *just* bought yesterday and thinking of the song that's been in my head this whole day
"I feel You near me
You sooth me when I'm weary
Oh Lord, for all the worst and all the best
I am blessed"
and wanting to keep my word to people that i am so angry at right now. and wanting to follow God's commandments. and wanting to accept things.

i dunno. i'm so torn up. i dont' know why i keep doing the "right" things when it woudl be so much simpler to do the "wrong" things. i guess i'm glad in a way.
but i still dont' understand why this situation had to occur in the first place. they didn't have a reason. eight months is a really long time.
they dont' understand. or care to understand.
whatever.
just gotta pray and pray and pray.
at least i got to vent.
i don't know.
so hard.
*sigh*

i haven't blogged for almost a week...
it's pretty crazy =)
my baptism was a week ago today. i have been too swamped to be able to share about it on here =)... but i will take the time to do so soon...

having a sleepover with my aunt
ROFL ...

Dear Lord....
please give me amazing Cantonese skills for the next 24 hours,
Amen.
Love, jasy

hehe =) just kidding =P but that would be nice God =)

ahhh the joys of study/spare period...

i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P

ahhh the joys of study/spare period...

i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P

ahhh the joys of study/spare period...

i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P

ahhh the joys of study/spare period...

i haven't had like any time to blog these past few days...
* monday's tournament was really fun =) WCI girls placed 3rd overall WOOOT =) i am impressed with us.
andi dind't even die. =) keke pictures coming soon. i take pictures better than i play hahaha
* new links added well they are sort of new..i just have been reallylazy =P ... the luvalee nita =) going to auzzie soon and lammy jamz... aka jw luva boy kekeke =) clickclick
* pt brough skunkie over last night!!! ^_^ ... okay well skunkie isn't exactly hername anymore but untilthere is a new name found... skunkie it is. =P she's SOOOOO cute^_^ she wassleeping in my bedlast nite and every so often she'd getup and jump on to my dresser and look out thewindow with her tail hanging down... ohgosh it was like a painting i just wanted to paint when i saw her but imightsettle for some photography tonight =)
* today is my last day of school for the week as i have another tournament tommorow ... yayayayay!!! ^_^ andthen Good Friday andmy baptism...wow...i'm getting really jittery now... i'm really nervous about sayingmy testimony in chinese... prayerwouldbe much appreciated...if you've ever heard me try to speak chinese you'll know it's much needed as well=P

[saturday, april 12]


so much to talk abotu... but i wanna make this quick...

i had my baptismal interview today...
all morning i was having like a nervous breakdown getting so freaked abotu what they were gonna ask me or if i was gonna say the wrong thing... ak! ... luckily God provided me with friends to help me "practice" and tell me there was nothing to worry about =) ... right before i got into pastor henry's office i was madly madly praying for God to provide me with the words to express what i knew i knew.. and He did =) because the interview went great =) i didn't even say anything retarded or ramble on for too long about nothing hehe =) and also, i have been praying about saying my testimony after the baptism on Friday... asking God that if it is His will to let it happen... and so yeah =) i get to share! =) which is really exciting... except that i have to say it in english *AnD* cantonese O_o... yes. my chinese sucks haha
anyways i just had to blog about that because i'm really excited and really thankful to God for always hearing my prayers =)...
yup that's my story...

so it's 9:42 pm and i am 12 min. behind schedule!!!! lol
actually id ont' have a schedule =P
but ... i do have a rugby practice at 6:30 am tommorow.
it seems so .... unreal to me... but it will be real to me when i drag my limp body out of my warm bed tommorow morning at 5:45. and will also be real to me when i am running around at a time when i am not even concious.
gah!

anyways... we have a tournament on monday which is pretty exciting =)... i'm gonna take so many pictures since i'll mostly be sitting on the bench anyways HAHHA =)
going to bed now. don't laugh =P .. i was supposed to sleep 15 min ago =P nite

it's a baby!... fish.

so my dad says he'll pick me up at 10:30... at 10:57 g and i are still sitting at st. cin's talking about whatnot and wondering where he is... so i call to see what has made ppl forget about me annnnnnddddd.....
[ring ring] irina: hello?
jasy:hi... is dad coming to get me?
irina: he was going to... but my fish just had babies
jasy: uhhh... oh.....
irina: yeah so he'll leave now.. as soon as we catch them all... bye
jasy: seeya...
[click]
g: did you call?
jasy: yeah.... i've been abandoned for baby fish
g: take pictures!!!
---------------------------------------
so here they are.... :

baby fishies huddled in a corner

baby fishies swimming around

the proud parents O_o... gosh this is sad.
lol eumie this is all your doing lol ...

um. yeah. gonna go sleep.... we lose an hour tonight! =P

oh my heck oh my heck oh my heck......

NO SCHOOL!!!!! =) it's a snowday *grin*

the first snow of ... april. O_o
hahaha God is hilarious

me

who am i?

i'm a girl... who is confused. confused abotu what is right and wrong.
confused about what to do ... what to feel....
sometimes... i just think... if i disappeared, everythign would be better for everybody. and it's probably true since i seem to be the cause of all these problems...
if not for me... well... things would definitely be simpler.
i try. i really do. but... but somehow what i know i *should* do and what i am "capable" of doing doesn't quite match up. and the wound in my heart will never fully heal. it's like a cut that has formed a scab but the scab has been picked off again and again... so that it can't heal. i know that it will.. and i know God will heal and take care of me...
but my weak patience is contributing to my downfall... i guess ... it's just difficult because a lot of bad things are happening in a really short time and ... well it's hard to always be optomistic and looking towards the future. but i guess it's not about these things. what i have or what i don't. what i'm good at or what i'm not... whether i'm even good enough for people... and perhaps i am putting too much focus on these things... i am trying. i really am. but it's not really that easy. not so black and white.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." matt 6:19-21