i had my mind set on blogging about Christmas today. let's just say things took a turn of events. my feeling right now is... searing pain on the inside. i feel as if i have been ripped to pieces by the ones i care about. ripped to pieces and as each piece is carefully being inspected without my permission and then promptly being seen as unfit and disposed of in the trash. as i turn to pick up the pieces from out of the trash which have been ruled unworthy, i try to fit them back into myself... create myself again. done! i exclaim excitedly and this is me... but then i notice the stench. i have been covered by the stink of the garbage. because that's all i am to anyone. garbage. i know God made me and i know God loves me... so why do my family and friends all think i'm all wrong? what is it that is so horrible about me? why do they not even attempt to understand how i feel? by hurling insults at me is that helping me? NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this day has been pretty bad. as you can probably tell. i have concluded from the events of this day that:
(a) i should disappear
(b)i am the cause of all the problems
(c) i should become anorexic
(d) i'm ugly, stupid, proud, a show off, and insecure
(e) my room is a mess so that concludes that i'm messed up inside. (yes that is a direct quote)
(f) i'm insecure which means that i do stupid things for example swear and try to kill myself.
(g) did i mention that i'm insecure?
(h) i can't handle any of my problems i can't do anything right i have psychological problems

it's funny how almost all these things are almost direct quotes from my closest friends and family. actually i take that back it's not funny it's sad. it's sad how they think i have problems and don't believe in myself when really, they're the ones who don't believe in me. believe it or not, i say this after talking to someone who DOES understand. maybe not everything perfectly but he/she tries hard. and he/she cares about ME. i'm not perfect. that's for sure. but i am so grateful he/she loves me anyways. he/she told me that even though many of the things said to me today were unreasonable, they were most likely said out of care. after this rant and a bit of time to cool off i believe her. i thank my family and friends who care. but sometimes, insults are not the right way to show it. and sometimes, yelling isn't either. and sometimes when people stand up for me it is easier for me to step down from my pedistool of stubborness and pride and consider what they say out of concern. especially if they say it with an open mind and an open heart. not to mention open arms.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!
i feel anything but lonely today!!! :) i am so lucky to have so many family and friends... more like blessed actually! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS! i feel so joyful right now... there's this feeling in the air... i don't know quite how to describe it.. Christmas has been so wonderful so far. i got to spend time with my family and open lots and lots of presents! *grin* ^_~ and tonite we're having this huge Christmas feast with Jo and Heidi's family, Wall's family, Daniel's family, and Auntie Amelia and Uncle Alick's family :) that's gonna be fun-- friends and FOOD! :9 yum. but the feeling is so.. ummm magical... i know that's kinda corny.. but i think it's joy. :) i just can't stop singing! i'm listening to Jaci Velasquez's Christmas CD right now... she sings this song with the Chipmunks it's sooooo cute!!!!!

Anyhoo, i hope everyone is having an even more amazing Christmas than me :) i just wanna thank all my friends and family for being there for me and caring for me even when it's difficult. i know i take you for granted a lot and i'm sorry but i just wanna tell you how grateful i am. VERY. thanks. k. gotta jet!

barely anyone is left in waterloo... it feels sort of lonely i'm not sure why. many people are not going to leave :) yay! :)
tommorow is going to have to go by quickly... cuz i might die if it doesn't. i can't wait til the holidays .... it can't come soon enough for me. my friend yuki is moving back to japan on saturday :*( bai yuki! i guess... on the bright side of things, i can snail mail her ... :? yeah.... i'm feeling sort of empty right now... not like depressed empty... but like i don't have anything to say. it bothers me. i'm always supposed to have something to say about everything... at least that is usually the case. but right now. i only have something to say about not having anything to say. boy is that sad. i kinda wanna call someone. but ... i think i've called everyone there is to call tonight already. darn. and even if i did call, well... i don't have anything to say. :?

i had this weird dream last night...
a large group of people (myself included) were in this room with a big window.... this room was totally unfamiliar to me but i remember that it was night and there were pretty stars. i don't remember who was really there except joanna, my sister, euhan, and evelyn(the mandarin pastor's 9 yr old daughter) and there was a refrigerator in the middle of the room... don't ask me why. suddenly there was a great flash of light and i heard someone scream "THE SUN IS EXPLODING!" and then the earth began shaking and we all fell to the ground... the fridge fell on top of me as i screamed for help. but then... it was over and somehow we were suddenly teleported in some way to a large bedroom with a bathroom... i noticed that euhan was no longer there and that Karen Wong, Dawn (from ottawa), and the girl that was sitting two seats in front of me at joint service on sunday (ARGH!) were there and they were studying for an exam. they had a phone with them.... and i kept trying to get it but they wouldn't give it to me. i was quite frustrated but they explained they needed the phone to call euming so she could hep them with the questions on their exam O_o ... riight. so i stole the phone, ran into the bathroom and locked the door... then i decided i needed to call euhan so ii did but euming picked up the phone and i woke up.

yesterday i encountered a very evil guy in my accounting class. there has never been anyone i hate more in my entire life. the things he said... were... nevermind. but they were really mean. i can't explain how much it hurt.

bai bai to clara and waiki tommorow! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! *grin* and a happy new year!
i don't get it... but it's sad when people leave for like two weeks :P it really shouldn't be that big of a deal. but i'm kinda sad. oh wellies! such is life i guess (heehee^_^) or that's just the way i am. both work quite well. nite.

It's the last week of school before the holidays! YAY! ^_^ i am so excited about Christmas and everything! but i have to do mass shopping this weekend :P blah. some people are just too hard to shop for. :Þ yes. i think everyone should just write out some special list of everything they want for Christmas and distribute it... but then i guess it wouldn't be much of a surprise then would it? i guess the element of surprise is good...

What do I want for Christmas this year... well.. i've told different people different things... i told my parents i want a drumset or a punching bag... i told my friends i wanted clothes, YM, etc... but what do i REALLY want for Christmas? i've been contemplating this... i want all those things... but there are other things i want that people can't give me. Firstly, i want the Lord to grant me perseverance and continuing motivation to do things God's way. in my heart i really want to ... but it's so hard.. "I do not understand what i do for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate, I do. And if i do what i do not want to do, i agree that the law is good." Romans... something. but that's exactly how i feel. i dont' want to do wrong things. and i know i shouldn't... but i do anyways.It's hard. Secondly, i want to gain back what i have lost through the various stupid things i have done. And thirdly, i want the time to spend with my true friends who love me as i am. i guess of all three of those things, the second will be the least likely for me to get. why? well... i'm sure with continued prayer to the Lord, he will grant me strength.. and i will make time in the holidays to spend with everyone if i truly make an effort. but the second one is totally nonsensical and unrealistic. it is also entirely beyond my control. so i really doubt i will be able to get everything back. maybe in some areas that my stupidity has effected but definitely not all. but hey, what can i do? nothing. just pray i guess. praying does a lot though... because the Lord always listens. "though you turn away, i tell you still, dont' know you i'll always love you, and i always will" (Third Day) it is a great reassurance to know the Lord loves me no matter how many times i screw up. it never ceases to amaze me.

btw, as many of you know i've been thinking about baptism for the past long long while... something hit me hard on Sunday and i would really appreciate prayer about God's guidance in the matter... thanks so much! :) time to go... i'm gonna go get my tc form before i gets all filled up before i mail my registration form in or something! =P bai!

pho is sooooooo yummy!!! ^_^ i had #102 again as always... although Jo had to remind me of what number it was that matched with the stuff i always get. Tonight, Ben Em Jo Wall and I went to Ben Tham at ummm.... 6:30?? or was it 7:00? ... no it was six.. hahaha the time changed so many times-- at first it was seven then it changed to five thirty and then to six and then to six thirty *grin* and i think we ended up getting there at around seven :) hahaha what a coincidence Anyhoo, i was really glad to have the chance to get together with Ben and Em before Christmas... i think it was actually the first time this term (and the last) that i did something with both of them i guess because everyone is so busy and stuff but i was really good cuz well ... it reminds me of last last term which was fun and... i guess sometimes, when you spend time with people you realize how important friendship really is. i think that friendship is my second highest value next to God because as Pastor Tim said in his "Friendship Love" sermon, Felios is the only love you can actually control and choose-- you choose your friends and who to really love. so i guess it means a lot since it is not forced or instinct. there's been times this term when i've prolly come close to losing important people in my life who i really care about because of the stupid things i've done. even though i wish these things could disappear and never have happened i think i really gained a knowledge of how deeply i actually treasure my friendships with people. i guess i learned that if you're not careful with friendships they can shatter like glass or if you don't pay enough attention to it or communicate, these friendships will slip quickly out of your fingertips. i've discoverded these things through not only my experiences but through the experiences of others ... sometimes, even the greatest friendships in which the love between people is so strong and they are so close... things can still happen. And so, i guess we all need to just treasure our friends and our friendships while they last. not saying friendships will for sure break apart... but just in case... don't always assume there's a tommorow for everything... carpe diem! ^_^ so i just wanna say that to all my friends out there: i love you guys!!!!!! and you're really important to me and i wanna say thanks for being there mwa***
g'nite. oh! btw, did you know raw bean sprouts can be used to squirt people with? it's fun.. but i have not mastered the technique. :P i'll get you next time ben :)

"Respect your elders." most people have heard this phrase at some point or another in their lives. especially if you're Chinese cuz well... Chinese people i guess place a lot of importance on it. for example, you always call people older than you by the name "auntie or uncle, po po(grandma) or gong gong(grandpa), gaw gaw(older brother) or jeh jeh(older sister)" this applies not only to family but to complete strangers. i've resented this custom ever since before i can remember. deeply resented. why? because, for those of you who know me, know that i HATE AGISTS. agists are by my definition, those who look down on or treat people unfairly because of their age. also, if you know me, you know that i tend to socialize with people who are older than me... i'm not sure why. but it just happens that way. don't get me wrong, a LOT of my close friends are my peers, in fact my very very bestest friend jo is. but ever since i was little i just would hang out with people who were older. that's just the way i am. anyhoo, when i was little, people would try to get me to call my friends who were older than me "jeh jeh or gaw gaw" and i HATED it ... in fact, since i was a brat, i sometimes blew up in their face at the very suggestion of it. or, if they spoke of my friend in that way toward me, i would pretend not to know who they were talking about. actually, i would prolly do the same thing now. just because it's like my biggest pet peeve. i remember one time alexis called me a sunday school kid... and ... yeah. well i wasn't too happy with him. my point is-- why do we respect our elders? pour tea for them first, let them sit first, call them special names, let them have all the benifits... i mean, really old people i get it because of them being so old and frail and stuff ya know... no biggie at all... but how about people in their 40's, 30's, and even 20's? how are they entitled MORE to my respect than a six year old? a very wise friend of mine once told me "respect has to be earned" and i agree. by being born at a certain date are people entitled more respect than others? umm don't think so... we don't CHOOSE that remember? i think people, including myself, forget quickly what it's like to be a certain age and then don't give it the due respect. i think that if someone wants me to respect them, they should maybe do something that's really worth respecting. the older you are, that just means that you've had more time to do that something that's worth the respect society so blatantly expects.

that was my rant for the day. ^_^ i had an ok day ... Lozon was really nice to me today and i realized he has really nice blue eyes. NO i do NOT have a crush on my science teacher! ... i have a crush on Jo's history teacher... *sigh* what a hottie ^_~ anyhoo, this week, i've been trying to be less of a reactive person in situations as in a "don't bitch back" type thing. ... what that's resulted in is me crying twice in the past two days at school. GRRRRRRR i HATE crying in front of people it's so embarressing... i hate when people ask you what's wrong just cuz they want to know, not cuz they actually care. plus, my makeup runs when i cry :P but anyhoo, i decided i'm gonna keep trying... but this time instead of just trying to hold it in, i'm gonna try to either not care what happens or be optimistic about it. i also think i need to stop talking about people behind their back as much... it's not as if i do it intentionally... but it just happens but that's definitely something i'm gonna work on. (prayer please? *grin*) so yeah. this will be interesting i'm sure. anyhoo, time to sleep. this blog has been one whole ramble of thoughts. sorry if it's un understandable.. i will try to make it more better next time. i think i'm just too tired Christmas is coming!!!!!! ^_^_TWELVE MORE DAYS!!! we can start singing the twelve days of Christmas!!!! which by the way has these coolio hidden meanings.... nevermind. i'm going to sleep now. nite mwa***

wow. i haven't blogged in a long time. i was going to last nite... really i was... but i got sick. headache, tummyache, and a fever too :( :P it was not cool at all. i didn't go to piano. so i missed the duet practise joanna and i were supposed to have and now we have to go on saturday :P bleh.
these past few weeks have been pretty cool :) shabba came up last wednesday and we had lunch and caught up pretty much :) which was really nice cuz i haven't seen her in forever. and... lessie... praylude on friday and we talked about how some secular symbols have become the true meaning of Christmas to others and how we need to keep our eyes on the real meaning of Christmas.
i found this cute poem in one of my old brio's:
Lots of shopping at the mall
Family members come to call
Dozens of cookies yet to bake
Mysterious presents around to shake
A fragrant tree topped with a star
Christmas cards from near and far
But the real meaning of Christmas
when all's said and done
Is the love of God and the Gift of His son! ^_~

yuppers! Jesus is the reason for the season ^_^ i'm gonna try to remember that more this year... but i can still have fun with all the other things we do to celebrate the holidays! :) *grin* my weekend is so packed. Tommorow we're going Christmas shopping in Burlington at six... we're going to Ikea first ( I LOVE IKEA!) and then Burlington Mall for the Midnite Madness :) yay! and i think Dora and Jo are gonna sleep over tommorow nite afterwards... with Kat too maybe... and then on Saturday morning at 9:30 we're going horseback riding with Tara and Taryn and Jenn and ummm... yeah i think that's it it's gonna be soooo awesome!! i'm riding this horse called Princess and she's sooooo pretty! then at 4:00 i have my duet practise with Jo... and then at 8:00 we have Cantata practise at church cuz the Cantata's on SUNDAY O_o and also, on sunday is our piano recital. :P barf. but right now. i need to go study for my math test which is TOMMOROW. *sigh* i got offered marajuana today. i was like "ummm.. NO." yeah. gross man. oh. btw, i learned something today: the average woman eats about 8 pounds of lipstick a year. gross. what's lipstick made out of anyways?

concept is over :( poop. the show was sooo much fun !!!! i think friday nite was my fave since the audience was awesome!!! my closer friends and parents were there that nite and also, after the show a bunch of us went to Eastside Marios and had funnel cake and strawberry dacurees (sp?) hahaha.. mmm very very good stuff... i took a lot of pics :)

i am so happy!!! why? cuz someone i have missed in great extremity has returned... and well talked to her tonite and i had so much to say it was craaaazzzy but such a huge relief! i just like can't stop talking about everything that's gone on during these two and a half months... it's definitely been a crazy two and a half months i just realized after talking nonstop for about and hour and i still have lots more to say but her bro kicked her off the phone :P *sigh* but anyhoo, yes this past while has been crazy. and i realize that my spiritual life has been greatly lacking attention. yes, that's a prayer request :) please pray for me. thankyou. oh. and i got this forward from someone today and i love it so i'm posting it.
*~Happy Thoughts~*

Laughing so hard your face hurts.

A hot shower.

No lines at the Super Wal-Mart. Even better at Wonderland...

A special glance. (from brian)

Getting mail. (hint hint)

Taking a drive on a pretty road.

Hearing your favorite song on the radio. (the JASMINE SONG!)

Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

Hot towels out of the dryer.

Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half
price.

Chocolate milkshake. (yes that's right CHOCOLATE)

A long distance phone call.

A bubble bath.

Giggling.

A good conversation.

The beach. (i miss collingwood!)

Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.

Laughing at yourself. (mostly people just laugh at ME :P)

Midnight phone calls that last for hours. (i have many of these )

Running through sprinklers. (jo, we sweat in pattern! hahaha)

Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

Laughing at an inside joke. (we sweat in pattern)

Friends. (luv you all)

Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice
about you.

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours
left to sleep.

Making new friends or spending time with old ones

Playing with a new puppy.

Having someone play with your hair.

Sweet dreams.

Hot chocolate. (once again, notice it's chocolate NOT vanilla)

Road trips with friends. (dora, "OMG!!!!! SCARY PEOPLE!!!!!!!! DON'T WAVE!!!!!!"

Swinging on swings.

Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can
sing along without feeling stupid.

Going to a really good concert.

Watching the sunrise.

Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God
for another beautiful day.

yay! i love that forward! God is truly truly good to us all. nite.

opening nite!!! :) ... it was soooo much fun! but ... at the same time not. i looked really good.. well, as good as i can look just about i think. i had my hair in half up and i curled the ends out... ugh i can't really explain it... but i'll post pics when i get them developed... i had a lot of fun with friends and stuff and i sang well! yay! and i talked to the guy i like some... but i am not sure whether i will pursue my interest... prolly not since i know who he likes and she's like one of my best friends. :? oh well. well anyhoo, the bad part. while i was going down the stairs heading for the isle, my robe got caught on the WALL. and by the time i managed to get it free alison (the girl in front of me) was halfway up the isle so i had to run but my socks (we had to wear black socks) were slippery so i ended up almost smashing into a person. AK!~ thankfully this was in the dark.L=P well... what's new? just a typical klutz attack for me :P but i was really upset later on cuz well.. i really wanted it to be awesome... but now i'm good... besids, i have tommorow and saturday to get it PERFECT :) *teehee*

ps. sheena was amazing!!!! so were you erin!!!!! and tara and robyn and em and bryan and jason and amalia and everyone else!!!!!

Concept shows TOMMOROW!!! AK! i'm actually getting more nervous now although i have the tiniest part possible in the show i am worried about my hair. will people even be able to see my hair? i am not sure. but i am indifferent to that factor.. i will look good at any cost. ok not ANY cost but yeah... you get the point :P Why am i worried about looks and not my voice? well... i'm singing with like 12 other people i highly doubt anyone will actually have the "priveledge" of hearing my voice although i am now officially convinced that i SUCK! oh wellies. oh and... BUY CONCEPT TICKETS PEOPLE! that was my bit of advertising, i have done my part. :P

on the weekend, jo and i decided to do an experiment type excercise to observe how long we could endure not liking someone. i went in to this "experiment" with confidence... determined to prove myself independant and self controlling. as i dragged myself down the halls this week, passing some crushes of my distant past, instead of greeting my friends (oops sorry guys) my walk became a great deal more dignified. with my head held high and flipping my sleek shampoo model hair i put a smile on my face and sang Destiny Child's SURVIVOR in my head "now that you're outta my life, i'm so much better, thought that i'd be weak without you but i'm stronger...o/~" then today came. and now i realize i am not independant, self controlled or dignified, i don't have shampoo model hair :P darn (hey, well some days it's pretty damn close... while on the other 364 days of the year...) and also, i must have looked like a complete retard in the hallways :P hahaha ^_^ my new crush is a complete sweetie... he's stolen my heart ^_~ heehee

it was a P.A. day today... so we had praylude at 10 and then Tim, Jo, Heidi, Dora, Alex, and I went to mikey's for lunch and went to the mall and Jo and Dora and I went to galaxy!
Harry Potter was AWESOME! ^_^ i'm so excited! i can't believe i saw it on the first day it came out :) heehee Hogwarts is sooper cool and yeah it was really good... it's totally worth the money! :) i made a total fool out of myself though. yipes. hahaha we were going up the steps as the movie started ... a PRIVET DRIVE sign and darkness... some trees... i heard some people scream in glee and anticipation as it began... it wasn't a little kid either. :P so we're like going up the stairs and suddenly these people that are in the very back of the theatre are like "MOVE!!! sit down! the movie's starting we can't see!!!" they were quite frantic about the whole thing. and i was like "huh? there's people back there?" cuz well it was dark hello. O_o and yeah. so i plop down on the steps ready to enjoy the movie. ^_^ so it's starting and proffessor Dumbledore is walking around and putting out the lights on PRIVET DRIVE and i feel something nudging my arm. it's dora. and she's whispers.... "WHERE ARE WE GONNA SIT????!!!" it was quite a loud whisper... but much less aggressive than when she was trying to get these peoople to move down in their isle. (later on, we discussed why people don't just sit next to eachother in theatres and leave big gaps... :? who knows.) so anyhoo... she is like extremely focussed on seats every time there is enough light coming out of the movie to see them... and she spots these seats in the front and proceeds to promt joanna and i down the stairs. yeah... and we're all like afraid of the people in the back yelling at us so joanna crab walks while dora crouches and i... well... ya know when you're like a little kid and you sorta use the stairs as a slide.... yeah. that was me. i have no clue how funny we must have looked to everyone there. oh man. :P but hey, it was dark so meh and besides, we finally got to our seats which was lucky because the movie was amazing! and that totally googly (*cute*/hot) "quittich" player Oliver Wood contributed excellently to the success of the Harry Potter Movie in MY books ^_^ *teehee* *BIG SMILE*
i got a winter hat today :) it's a tuque ^_^ i kinda hope it starts snowing soon... and then... i can learn how to SNOWBOARD! woohoo!!!! craziness! i'm actually excited about winter!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEN!!!!!! (Abbas) thanks for being such a totally amazing bud! luv ya! mwa***

today i was at rehearsal til seven. actually, it's really fun if i don't think about all the stress and tiredness... :) i get to hang out with friends and watch the show and talk and eat and :) yeah :) i had McDonalds for supper too (it's a five minute walk from our school) and since we had like 3 and a half hours to wait til our song, me and erin had plenty of time to go get yummmy food :) heehee :)
before i used to think Sheena was sooooo annnoying and mean... and petra was nice... but now i luv sheena and petra is just mean. cuz she's a lot more understanding... and yeah. she's an AMAZING singer too!!! :) and she's not letting her stress get her all "pms"ey either :) yay! she drove me and ivan and tara home tonite in this silver punch buggy!!!!! ^_^ it's a loaner while her dad's car is getting fixed and he doesn't wanna drive it so he took her car and gave her the beetle!!! i have never been in one before tonite and it is soooo cool!!!! ^_^ ivan is sooooo cute! ^_^
at rehearsal today, i was presented with the opportunity to do something that i have been curious about for quite sometime. i took the opportunity and placed it in my pocket, unsure of what to do. luckily, when i called a wise friend of mine after rehearsal, after much pursuasion and promting, she convinced me to dispose of this opportunity.... soo.... i flushed it down the toilet. there are over 4000 reasons why. thanks to that friend who will remain nameless. ^_^
a request: please people, start acting what you say! i know i need to work on that... but it's something i really need right now. thanks.

i was at Concept rehearsal *til SIX PM today O_O mike clegg was really nice and bought me, erin and emily pizza while he was going to get his :9 YUM pizza ^_^ i was hungry too so *^_^* yeah... so we sat around ... watched act one. ummm... *Crocodile Rock* was the coolest song!!! heehee it's Andrew Botros and this other really cute guy and they are sooo funny and good!!! also, Ghetto Superstar is really good too... the court drama was funny and so was Days of Our Children ^_^ Kalfan is hilarious. yeah.. we actually only went through our song once. -_- *sigh* we were at the end of the act so.. yeah.
in Latin we had a seating change. i think this was the lowest part of my day since not only do i no longer sit with Doradee and Susi (well we still kinda sit close) and i'm not near Adri... but that's totally not the worst of it. the worst is that i have to sit extrememly close to a certain someone whom i will not name for the sake of being politically correct... or something. :? i just dun wanna be mean. but i really can't stand this person. s/he can't mind his/her own business and sticks her/his head in to every conversation and is just plain ANNNOYING!!!!!!! this person is the type of person most individuals would deem "too nice" aka: a sugary, suck up, desperate to fit in, kiss my ass type of individual. we better have another seating change soon or else. grrrr BOOM! i might hurt that someone... ok. not really. i am not the violent type ^_~

God is truly truly merciful and awesome!!! :) :) yesterday i was praying about this huge science test i have that he would help me be able to prepare for it in a non realistic time period... and seemingly, i could have pulled through if i totally crammed for the next two nights... but today in science, Lozon postponed the test til next week!!!! yippee! ^_^ plus, we get thurday's class as a study period! :) it's so awesome how the Lord cares about l*il things like this and l*il gurls like me ^_^ *smile*

I'm back after like 5 min... maybe less because i'm soooo excited!!!!! ^_^ mail mail mail :)
i got my chapman's tshirt!!! YAY! it's soooo cute! a bit big... but it's soooo cute! :) :) :) :) :) andi got two more postcards from elmo! which is crazy that's three in total... thanx elmomo ^_^ for some reason the second one came before the first but it's soooo coool i gotta go to europe. :) :)
also, i got an overdue thing from the library. :P i think it's been two months. ooops. O_o

Rememberance day.
we're learning about WW1 in history class and it's sad. really really sad. so remember. that is all.
i finally washed my moocowbaby last nite! :) he smells soooo good! like DOVE ^_^ body wash... it's cool stuff man.
it's getting so cold. :P today i was wearing my winter jacket outside.. (it's not even winter yet) and i was FREEZING! jumping up and down to keep myself warm! ok ok. i always jump up and down but still, this time it had a purpose :P
i'm actually kinda excited about winter coming and stuff cuz i'm gonna for sure learn how to snowboard this winter!!!! ^_^ yippee! and also, i can't wait to go shopping for winter clothes... gonna get really soft fuzzy mittens and maybe that hat i saw at susi sheer a while back (if it's still there) that dora said made me look like an anime character haha it had a pom pom on it :) gotta jet.

Lifesong... was for me really amazing... the funny/surprising thing of it was how relevant it was to me at this point in my life. Little things like drinking (something i've been thinking about lately) and relationships (^_~) and stress at school were all really relevant... but i think the big thing for me was that they talked about TRUST and about FAITH and when Simon felt like the more he tried to fix things the worse they got and that is EXACTLY how i have been feeling lately... a lot like he was feeling in the play... and the songs were amazing and Tim Ng's bro wrote one of them which is totally amazing too :) everyone was sooo great up there! :) heehee josiah was tres cute ^_^ and all the other ppl rocked as well but his pompous character really stood out to me ^_^ the sermon was really good talking about faith and the "stoppers" of it. (the speaker looked like Bryson from my latin class sorta but he wasn't as much of a ball heehee) yeah it was really really great and spiritually refreshing... cuz it made me realize exactly how far i had drifted from the Lord... and it's pretty far =P bleh. but i decided that i need to refocus and rededicate to Him. so *thanx* to Clara and Nathan and Tim and all the other ppl organizing it and in it and everything! :) the refreshments were also very good! mmmmmm creamy ball things ^_^ i'm very very full now :Pbut that didn't stop me, heidi, jo, karen, and alex from going to BUBBLE TEA afta ^_^ where we played this totally crazy game of jenga... it was SOOOO high! and when heidi pulled out her piece and i wasn't paying much attention the whole thing crashed and i screamed and the whole store that was really loud before went completely silent and everyone stared at us hahaha it was really embarressing but funny... nathan and anna and tim ng and gladys were all there too... but not with us. and not exactly together.. yeah :? just one question : WHERE was BEN? :P i didn't see that guy. :( also on a completely different note, i didnt' know you could play pool at Mel's.

I like to think i can take credit for what i have done. good or bad. i think that if i really did something wrong then i should own up to it. sometimes people make that difficult. everytime i talk to them i feel guilty and they act like they are mad but they say they aren't. so what is it they want? am i supposed to be like "oh yeah you're not mad it's all fine" or am i supposed to be like "ok. you are ACTING like you're mad so it's NOT fine"? will someone please tell me! or am i just supposed to sit there like a bump on a log and not really care that people who's opinion is important to me is sending me mixed messages and am i supposed to just sit there and let others take the blame for what i've done and chillax because afterall, people is "not mad anymore".
how do you gain back what you have lost? be it trust, conversation, comfortablility... i think i've lost all three with people in the past week. kinda of insane how stuff like that happens so fast when you don't think about what you say before you say it and the next hting you know, you've wrecked someone's life. or multiple lives. and not only that, you've wrecked friendships and trusts and conversation and comfortablility. and all you can do is sit there and wait until those things fix themselves... and it may be the next day or it may be never you just don't know. and you can't do ANYTHING. cept sit tick tock tick tock tick tock ... pretty soon, the waiting drivees you insane and you burst into tears.. or maybe it hasn't been that long... but it feels like an eternity when those things aren't there... and you burst in to tears. or maybe like right now at this precise moment you cry and cry a river inside you but the tears won't come out... and once again you sit and wait til they do... tick tock tick tock.. knowing, it's all your fault.

Em just sent me the strangest poem by Margaret Atwood... it's called They Eat Out... it's really weird.. and upon trying to offer my perspective on it... i really had none... the poem had me thinking it was about one thing and then suddenly switching topics reverted me to another without actually switching topics in reality. crazy stuff peeps!
one line in the poem "In restaurants we argue over who is going to pay for your funeral" which i interpreted as ppl arguing over who's paying for the food... which only ever happens in the Chinese world O_o it is SOOOO embaressing when you're like at a restaurant done eating this great food and you look up to see your mother/father madly trying to wrestle your friend's mother/father to get the bill!after the "big fight" is over, the loser auto matically tries to force great sums of money in to the hand/ purse of the winning party. and as if that wasn't enough, these are both done while screaming, yelling, and running around the restaurant...(i wonder what the non chinese speaking peeps are thinking when "we" do that! ... they prolly think we're all crazy lunatics trying to steal eachother's money or something... or it's some kinda game that we play at the family reunion since all chinese are related remember? hahaha my careers teacher can't tell any of the asians in our class apart.. he showed me dora's term mark today instead of mine :P) and finally it ends with the losing party taking back their great sum of money )which had it been offered to me, i would accept it greatfully haha ^_^ ) and heaving a great *SIGH* and saying "ho la hola! die yee chee do o bay la!"("ok ok! but next time I get to pay!") technically, i think this is actually a dramatic battle. whoever can act the most sincere about wanting to pay an extra fifty bucks fot the other family but ends up not having to pay wins. afterall, does anyone actually WANT to pay... in my opinion... why don't we just stick to paying for ourselves! unless it's someone's bday or something like that.. would prolly save plenty of commotion AND money... not to mention certain humiliation of your children :P

my firstest blog!

... ok. not really. cuz i HAVE had weblogs in the past... but not on a special site. *sigh* alas. i have abandoned the idea of trying to create a professional looking weblog on my own and even given up page builder! cuzz. i'm to lazzzy! but ohwellies~ here's my solution: TADA! i discovered this wonderfully easy way of blogging from the links on emzie's site! yay! (btw, i didn't read anyone's blog who i didn't know.)

it's strange. in my last entry on my old weblog i ranted about friendship and about how it's so important to me that i am able to trust my friends. i made this observation last nite in a conversation with someone who i had greatly wronged. in fact, while i had written about my longing for trustworthy friends i slipped up and became and untrustworthy friend to someone else. thankfully, this someone is not mad at me anymore and i am forever grateful! really i am. anyhoo, i learned from the situation... which i guess is improtant since nothing that has been done can be undone. but the one thing that can be gained is a lesson :) and from now on i'm gonna try to think more before i talk.. and not try to fix things myself all the time but rely on God cuz he's got a plan always and he's always in control! ^_^ *grin*

went to kfc for toonie tuesday today with ralala, tara, jo, kat and susi :) YUMMIE! it should be toonie everyday! not just tuesday :) dave was there much to susi's pleasant surprise... or was she surprised...^_~ it was his bday though... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE! it's weird because as of this month i'm starting to view a lot more of my school friends as true friends instead of just aquantances... just a thought... since last year i barely even considered some of these friends aquantances... i think that's a good sign... well anyhoo, gotta jet... so ends my firstest :) mwa*** luv, jasy