rugby ... starts on monday
i am SO SCARED. i'm gonna end up crying and throwing up too =P i *feel* it like.. i kno i'm gonna
supposedly the first week of practices are hell. oh my goooodnesss... *soooooo nervous*

so hard to come clean. i have the desire to be honest with ppl i care about. but yet... still so afraid... not because of lack of trust but just because... no matter how objective someone is ... knowing someone has O_o thoughts... can still change ur perspective of them.. i guess... *sigh* but i'm getting there. two down, one to go.

what is a definition of a close friend? -- i decided to make it the people i trust most. [disclaimer: i am not saying that they neccessarily view me as a close friend in return ... i am just saying that these are the types of people that are close to ME because they know parts of me i'd rather have in the dark.] i was thinking to myself... okay so my close friends are the ones i trust... well who do i trust then? i talk to so many people... abotu so many different things... hwo do i decifer whether or not i reallllly trust someone? (because i obviously do not walk around thinking about my level of trust for everyone all the time). i have come to this conclusion. i am pretty open about stuff generally because i do not like to be fake and i don't like to hide myself. how can u develope friendships if all u do is hide? ... so people tend to know things about me and the way i feel. two things exceed this -- these being my spiritual life and my dark side. i have a lot of trouble talking about my spiritual walk with people. sometimes people will be like "you seem to try to change the subject every time God comes up" ... it's just becuase it's so personal for me... id unno why but .. stuff like that is just SO personal... Jesus is really important to me. He is an *intimate* part of me. people think that all i think about is guys and crap and that guys are on my mind more than God is... but it's just because guys are less important and less close to me than God is which is why i so easily open up about it and i guess it gives off the impression that that is all it hink about. (altho i do admit boys *are* on my mind alot but come *on* i am still a girl =P) anyways that is why i tend to shy away from talks about God and my spiritual life.. this does not apply to questions about the bible etc which is fine for me to talk about...
my dark side... i think... it's hard for me to discuss my bad points... well ... not my failures. whatever i don't care if ppl know i fail in things... but more my "evil" thoughts. like sometimes i'll feel somethings... and i *know* it's wrong to feel or think them... i know it's stupid and retarded and just wrong. but i can't "help" but feel it if you know what i mean... despite the crazy efforts i make to suppress those thoughts it seems like i cna't change them and the only thing i can really do is to not act on them. it becomes sort of a burden keeping some of those things inside since i so readily let out much of my other thoughts and feelings. but there's just this huge fear inside me that if ppl find out they will judge me and hate me and... yeah... so if i really trust someone ... i am able to let go a lot more easily. i am much more confident in the knowledge that this person will luv me no matter what ... and so ... i am able to share with them a lot more of the crap that goes through my brain. i guess i had a really good experience with that today. there's been this thing i've been holding inside me for a couple weeks ... buggin the crap out of me trying to push it out of my head and suppress it... ii told no one. not even the person who i normally tell *everything* to. it is jsut a really big deal to me because i just think that this feeling is SO bad.. so anyways... i was able to talk to one friend about it. honestly it felt like this huge huge huge weight being lifted completely off my chest like wooooosh! like all this bottled up hatred being poured out of me finally... i mean, i already knew i trusted this person but i was so afraid still... this is just a big deal to me. i just couldn't fathom anyone knowing and being able to understand and not hate me but this person did. and i guess... i was just like wow. i guess it takes time though. becuase i dont' think i would jsut be abel to tell anyone out of the blue this kind of stuff and expect them to be able to understand or trust them to know these type of feelings. but it takes someone being a real friend. making a real effort. sitting. being patient. listening. actually seeming to care what i have to say lol... Russel Warrad said something that is SO true "the importance of a relationship is reflected in your availablity" there have been a few people who have made themselves completely available to me. and... wow. wow is the only word i can use to describe how blessed i feel.

*thankyou*

p.s. eumie is cool and showed me how to put a song on here ... LISTEN =D
it only plays once because she said it is too annoying to have an infinite loop =P is *not* haha
anyways listen to my cool cool song =)

question:
why did John Mayer say he was 16 at the grammy's last night but when i looked it up apparently he is 25. O_o ...
i thought there was hope after all too... =P hahaha... his body is a wonderland kekekeke =P

winter wondersol
lol went to waterloo park today with dora kat jo heidi and ... yeah ok. just them haha =) twas sooo funn... dora read the "wonders of winter" as wondersol winter .. gotta go see those lights next year... used to go every year but i've been missing them for a couple...
anyways the animals are STILL OUT! =) well =) and =( becuase... well they must be somewhat cold but i guess they can go inside if they really want to... there was a donkey, goats, bunnies =) , turkies(so scary), and deer.. deer are my favourite they were following me =) and also tehy eat outta ur hand =) sooooo pretttyyyy =) ... the bunnies are really cute but they don't even come very close for very long so u can pet them =P we wandered down the path and ended up coming to the playground near the water park thingy... anyways this playground has FLAT SWINGS =) these being swings that are like... a big plate/ saucer... me and kat shared one and dora and kat shared one and di was taking pictures and yeah ...we were kinda chicken to stand up but jo and dora stood up =P twas soooo fun =) and tehnnnnnnn... i made a SNOWANGEL!! =D kekeke i jumped into the snow just to do that and it was awesome until dora was mean and wrecked it =P BLAH hahhaa... anyways i have fun with those girlies =) haven't doone something like that for a while =) go to waterloo park .. *see*? waterloo is the BEST .

in memory of Pansy Lam
went to Auntie Pansy's memorial service today... i didn't know her taht well but she was a really really nice person and continued to have an amazing faith in God and a visible peace about her even as her life was slipping away... please take some time to remember the Lam family in your prayers especially my friend Jeff and his dad Henry. thanks

opposite day
lol had the opportunity to meet some ppl today... including a spunky girl named Jasmine she has so much pizazz u wouldn't guess that she's 7... unless u look at her that is =P but hey, age shouldn't draw judgement anyways =) and another 7 year old Sam, the kid of the pastor of London Chinese Alliance, who's so what grownups would call "gwie" no not strange.. =P more like "good" haha.. anyways these two are hilarious they're like best friends and yah... oh my goodness here is an amusing conversation they had with my friend Jeff today...:
[jasmine and sam are punching jeff]
jasmine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
sam: does this hurt?
jeff: no... i mean yeah it hurts so much. stop . stop.
jasmine: nuh UHHHH... it's OPPOSITE DAY! hahahaha
sam: that means you said keep punching you!
jeff: WELLLL..... if it's opposite day and you say it's opposite day then that means it's not really opposite day
jasmine: well then it's not opposite day!
jeff: ok. then it's not opposite day.

lol lol lol

my future
went to Stratford General Hospital today... with my dad and jo =) ... my dad is like the boss of the pharmacy depmnt. so we got vip access to the physio and occ therapy depmts... actually they are just really nice and let us spend half the day with them ... it was really cool to be able to talk to some of the patients esp those who are living in the hospital due to the need to recover from stroke/ other problems... it's strange how complete strangers will open up to you about stuff that people you "know" won't even. just seems like ur presence gives them joy... especially this one lady i talked to for like 15 min Catherine... who had a very interesting story... but yeah... i can definitely see myself working in either physio / ot so i think i'm semi set! =) hoorah! =) now if people ask me what i'm "gonna be when i grow up" i don't have to shrug and change the subject =) i really like the environment of that hospital. especially the pharmacy deptmt which was the old pediatrics ward so there's disney characters painted all over the walls LOL ... my dad's office has mother goose. hahaha...

Raiden
i've been meaning to post these pictures for everyone to see jsut how adorable dora's new puppy raiden is =D kekeke =) :
dora with raiden in her kitchen


raiden *AWWWWW*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PASTOR TIM!!!!!



tim's in hong kong rite now... and rite before that he was in auzzie with the short term missions team that he has named JIT(jessica ivan tim) hahhaa... so wish him a happy birthday online cuz u won't be able to see him in person til next week. =)
thanks for always being so supportive, fun, and cool =) miss you tons!

oh!!!!.. i completely forgot to mention about Russel Warrad and his family coming down last week!!!!!!! MY KIDS!!!!! me and kira, emily, and hannah had a good time playing chocolate factory, wall tag, and eating icecream while everyone else was at sunday school =) it was sooooperrrr! Russel's sermon was AWESOME and stimulated a lot of thought which i was gonna blog about but it slipped my mind... i'll write about it tommorow =P =)
actually i wanna sleep now... i can't believe it. it's not even 11:00pm yet hahaha plus i don't have to go to school tommorow PA DAY!!!!! WOOOT! =D oh yeah =)

reminder
was surfing around and noticed this banner ad:against a yellow background it read:
Friends change. People leave. Pictures remain.
if you see me walkign around with a camera more often that's why =P

addiction

i am disgusted with myself.

i feel so ... selfish.

you brat.

how is it that i can actually concieve the ideas that my problems are significant?

foolish. naive. ignorant child.
course selections. confusion of my future. lifelong friendships crumbling. little pebbles on my road of life i just happened to stub my toe on. yet why do i act as if they are giant boulders blocking my way? reminds me of our girl's cell bible study about Daniel... his trust in God and courage to face whatever came to Him acted as a witness to others. i am nothing like Daniel. he faced his problems head on. why do i turn so fast to grab the hand of the people i trust? not letting go. "lead me through this please! i don't know how to get around it..." i cry, gazing at the megalith i see before me... yet to those i cry to ... they must be gazing at my same megalith appearing as a pebble in their eyes. generously they hold my hand again and again. thankyou. and now... tears of shame flowing from my eyes... i see how compared to some i have the life of a princess. i must appear to people in the same light as a rich snob throwing a temper tantrum because i broke a nail. especially now. i feel like i'm helping sucking the life out of some of the people i care about most. and for what? for consolation from my completely insignificant life. i am so sorry. i don't even know what it's like to suffer... to struggle. i am completely blessed.


no more. i am putting down the phone and turning off the screen. no more chats no more whining no more. no more.

it is time i lived up to my claims of not being a child. grow up you retard. ...
falling in to the arms of the Father. time to remember to let it all go to Him again...
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
[Psalm 46:1-3]

i want strawberry cheerios.

uhh.. yeah i spelled stranger wrong =P hahaha

future shopping.


a.k.a. deciding what i want to do for the rest of my life. i was in a bit of a frizzle this afternoon thinking about courses and such... i don't even know where to begin ... luckily, once again g saves the day by discovering this miracle bookie thingy online that shows you all the courses and prereq. etc etc :
http://www.ouac.on.ca/info/index.htm -the "INFO 63 Fall 2002 edition booklet" click click..
i was so so so happy untiillllll.... i dunno what courses to take next year! what the heck they have so many of the same programs with different prerequisites. like... some need bio and some need physics. some need two maths and some need none. yet all this naming it the same program geez. [pause] *SCREAM*

ahhhh

and now that i'm a little bit more calm.... i finally added the links that i was gonna add.. one only recently, one a bit ago, and one a long time ago =P in no particular order Jedi Stranger (happy birthday dru!!!!) the guy i dont' actually know ie. have never met... click click and go to the map thingy kk cuz it's realllllllyyyy cool! =) i'm the puppy in hong kong.. Yomi being eumie/ing =P =) out of the "shadows" hehehe =) tis very cool she has kinda like a chain of blogs going on in her one .... like... ahhh just go see for yourself =P =) and also sign the guestbook because that's what you do of course! oh sign my guestbook to while ur at it =) and Ivan's (i+a=lf) blog =) i was gonna link his australia page but meh just go and click on it in his link he has from his normal blog. i'm so lazy right now =P so yeah. more links =) i dun think i am the first to link any of these tho... so whcih is why i'm not like "wow look what i discovered!" =) heh =) but yeah all three are part of my semi daily blog reading routine =) so go. go now. bai =)

ice
it's so cold today... freezing cold. whatever has melted in the warm weather in the past few days has once again frozen a solid icy state. being the absolute klutz that i am, i have fallen on this ice a number of times in the past few days. it isn't pleasant but i've picked myself up repeatedly without getting overly emotional about it and continued to walk despite the knowledge that i may fall again. this is the world i live in. the past few terms have proven to be icy and many may have noticed the numerous times in which i could not keep myself standing. and i've fallen again and again. but i *have*, with the help of my wonderful heavenly Father and a few amazing people, gotten up each time. i do not cease to move through life. i try not to cower and hide my bruises from others... now and again though i need to sigh and cry a little and freak out.

now is one of those times.

i never posted this but i "lost" my best friend a bit before christmas. yeah some of you might roll your eyes .. yes we've done this before. but this time... well i'm pretty sure it's forever this time. we are still close of course you dont' jsut cease to be close with someone youv'e been tight with since you were three years old... and yeah it's okay that we're not best friends anymore because it was a mutual decision to not say it but not play the role. yet sometimes it frustrates me to see how we've grown apart in some aspects. we talk. yeah. but ... i dunno it's not the same. i dont' think we can share *everything* with eachother anymore. or at least she doesnt' seem to want to share everything with me anymore.. which of course is fine. she isn't always the first person i tell things to anymore either. and most days it's okay and it's not a big deal. but some days like today i'll look at it and think "what happened?" right now at this very moment we are having an icq conversation. if that's what you'd like to call it. a "conversation" consisting of no real depth whatsoever. our icq conversations are actually always like that. but lately ... our in person ones have been like that too. and that scares me. i know it must sound so weird like i broke up with my boyfriend or whatever =P EW. but no... i'm okay. i'm not falling apart and dying but it still makes me sad when i remininsce about a girl who used to be my best friend .. someone who would know almost ALL my secrets and i hers... and now... now i read her blog and i have absolutely no idea what she is talking about.

Buddy
CHEWY GOT ADOPTED!!! =) yayayayay =)
so no more going to that link for chewy... buttttt... i met and fell in love with someone on the weekend. his name is Buddy =) he's beautiful and has three legs because he got hit by a car while saving a baby. i love him. we were *meant* to be together we really are . ohhh... i wanna adopt him so badly.. we're soul mates.