happy beeelated mikeymike :)

had a good day today.. taught sunday school again. my older class.. and yeah it was really fun hanging out with the girls (cuz it was all girls today)..
we had a lot of interesting conversations goign .. kinda all at once... i learn a lot every time i talk to these people.

some things made me think though... for example even though we had perfectly normal conversations and stuff like that... when they disagreed with eachother they would look to me to see who was right..
and for another example last week i had my pencil case there and they were going through it and i have this eraser from like grade seven that says "yes" on one side and "no" on the other and last week they were asking it questions and flipping it :P (no i don't do that anymore)
and yujie's like "hey! i wrote yes no on my eraser! and everyone at school is fighting over it now!" and stuff..
okay. i don't know what i'm trying to say. just that... it seems like they want to do what i do. and they seem to think i know things.. and i feel this... overwhelming sense of responsibility.. even though these people are normal friends to me... but at the same time... they aren't. because it seems to matter what i do. i don't know how to explain. but it's just kind of scary. id ont' know....

whatev haha.. we might have a christmas party yay funfun:)

concept

was really good! ... most of it anyways...
so sad... i wish i hadn't quit.. *sigh*
lol but my name is still on the program and the tshirt! wheee :)

kudos to erin, esther, robyn, henry, justin, nate, amalia, brandon, allyssa, rob, jase, tams, lara, annndd all the other people i am forgetting :P you guys were awesome :)

we got there so late tonite-- 7:25 the show starts at 7:30 cuz we were at mikey's and all of a sudden this HUGE rush came and kat couldn't leave it was so crazy. we had planned to get there by 7:00.. anyways okay yeah we were kinda bleh... cuz ya it's a drag and this happens kind of often.. but something was cool to see.

In the spirit of getting there as quickly as possible, and helping out a friend :P the three of us (jo dora and i) got behind that counter and took over the til (that would be jo), washing trays and wiping tables and taking out orders... and as i was stacking trays and wondering if we were gonna miss the first act a really nice feeling filled me as a realized, as much as we sometimes are bratty princesses... we really are there for eachother. :) i'm so blessed to have friends like that. :) and we did it with VERY little complaining. i dunno. just made me happy. yay kreazeless :) LUCKILY, lara saved us seats :) so we sat right near the front anyways and heather came! (my friend from grade six hehe)

so now i'm gonna go dl concept songs and make a cd! :D

happy birthday superman aka jeremy :)

when i woke up

Sometimes you don't mean to seem like you're trying to get attention but you seem like it anyways. even if you only tell one person. because you've got to get it out. even if it's completely immature and you know it.
but it's still true.
And you feel bad because you wanted to be... bigger.

And you wonder if someone can or will stop loving you because the reason they did, maybe doesn't exist anymore.

woke up repeating "trust God" over and over adn over and over.
and you know what? He's trustworthy :) thanks :)

by word of mouth

yesterday... my best friends and i found out about one of our "used to be" good friends saying some crap abotu us to someone about how she actually really doens't like us. apparently she hates me. some stuff fell into place hearing tghat... some stuff i was confused abotu why she did things like she did last year.
and i think back to before.. when we used to laugh our heads off ALL the time at everythng, tell eachother everything, sing, scope, skip, sit.
because its hard to believe someone would just make up something like that. especially when they have the exact words of what you said.

but i decided to ask you abotu it anyways. because i wanted to give you a chance to explain. because as much as i hurt as much as i hated you i wanted you to prove them wrong.
and you denied it. and you said it wasn't true... and you said some pretty convincing things. but i don't know.
becuase it doens't make sense to me why someone would jsut make it all up.

and now,
i dont' know what to believe.
all i know is that it hurts. and that one of my friends is lying to me. to all four of us.
and i don't know what to say or do.

i'm not trying to make a pattern with this poetry thing...
but i guess some news kinda slapped me in the face today...hurt me... and i just had to freak out somehow... so scribbled this down and felt a bit better.

amie faux

i've been confused
disillusioned
taken for the
fool. correctly so, how
could i look
at the velvet stripper
and see the virgin Mary
how did your lies
poison my wine and
i didn't taste it
how
did i allow your smiles
your gifts
to intoxicate me
senseless
forgetting betrayals of
yesterday's night
and now,
left cold,
hung over.

happy birthday squiffyy!!!! :D welcome to 17 land hahaha

cliche

are you there?
are you thinking of me
as you get on your armour, on your stallion
white
i always wondered how the prince knows the princess is
locked in the tower
and how
he knows she's the one he's supposed to save
because there are so many.
i thought i found you but
i couldn't see past his thick steel helmet
and when he didn't look at me the way i looked
at you,
i realized that it was because he was looking at a different damsel
climbing a different tower the whole time.
sometimes
i wonder if you'll ever find me
seeing as we've never met.
if you'll recognize my cream coloured hankerchief
(breathing in the wind and
screaming silently)
amongst the sea of white (which you can see when you stand on a very tall hill).
anyways
i dont' need you to save me
that's all too dark ages for me really
i'll just slide down a vine or
jump.
but please,
if you see,
if you're sure,

catch me.

wowed

i taught mandarin sunday school for the first time today... well... in english :P ...
i was frustrated last night while i was prepping because i just looked at the material and felt so helpless. it was about trust. about trusting God with everything and giving up every inch of your life to Him. and the passage was taken from Gen. 22... the passage about God asking Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. and i was just like "HOW! how can i possibly teach this... i can't even begin to say that i can do it."

but it went beautifully today. i guess i was able to share about my experiences with how its really difficult to trust God when all this stuff is going wrong in your life... and it ws cool cuz they actually were talking alot and i had a few girls be like right away at the beginning before i even said anything about how they find it really difficult to trust God because they'll pray about something and it seems like He doesn't answer they're prayers or doesn't answer for a really long time.. and we got to talking about prayer and "why doesn't God do miracles anymore?" and just sharing a lot about our experiences. and i felt really blessed to be able to relate to them spiritually and to hear about their spiritual lives and struggles. there was this one guy Chen who i'd have to say i think is amazingly cool and the most biblically knowledgable fifth grader i have ever met. he could like pull scripture out of his head and he told me he reads a chapter everyday... currently he's reading acts and thinking alot about repentence. he reads the King James Version. i really admire him and his desire to know God better. he realllllyyyy wants to learn. its really cool. and also there were a couple people in my class who said they weren't really Christians because they sometimes weren't sure if they really believed God existed because He seems not to answer their prayers and stuff...and there's a guy Leo who just immigrated here from China like on Halloween... and he totally doens't know who God is at all. and he doens't understand a word i say either hahaha... but i got yujie shuxin ev connie and chen to talk to him about it in mandarin and like chen grabs the bible flips quickly to a page and puts his finger on this passage and starts reading it and states so matter-of-factly "basically, that's who God is." but it was in english O_o but wowowowowoww.
i just i'm overflowing with this really blessed feeling of being able to share in these people's lives, especially spiritually. i only pray that God can really use me despite all my weaknesses.

after we finished i was talking a bit to Leo... haha "talking" laughing was more like it and saying like the few mandarin phrases that i knew. i duno. i think i just felt SO bad that i couldn't talk to him and stuff. stupid stupid. why do i have to be cantonese speaking? =P eumie come back and teach me!!!!!!!!!!
but it seemed like he was happy and he waved to me when i left so that was nice :)

God is so good.

stop
STOP
profanities streaming
relentlessly into my head
music screaming
bass blaring
like veins clenched in my neck
pulsing
no.
that's not the ceasing i desire.
its something
else.
give it up
i wish
i was the only one.
only only only
lips quiver a prison
the prisoners eating me inside
out.
dirt at my mouth hate at my eye balls pain at my chest
fear at my stomach the run in my ankles
i only wish it would eat faster.
cause there isn't much more, much longer
six times the sun
rises the worry more intense
at my sides and soon
to be consumed
from the outside
in.

annoyed.

-stupid mean librarian is walking around peeking over shoulders again. i don't know her name but i'm making a connection between her and this science teacher people had in grade nine that was racist. i think its the same woman. but i'm not sure.

-i left my cover up at home and my mom wouldn't go back for me to get it. ughughguhgugh. nowi'm gonna look poopie all day.

-so today in the car my mom tells me AS we pull into jo's driveway that daniel and kadin are coming home with irina after school. i'm just like "uhh well i won't be there." and she's like "why not?" and i'm like "i'm going to see adrian" and she's like "why do you have to go see him today???" why NOT!!! if you didn't freakin tell me the morning OF i might not have made plans! my goodness! dont' get pissed off at me because you told me something last minute! grrrr~~

- the library is FULL of noisy juniors. the one closest to me is counting to ten over and over and over again. O_o somebody kill me now.

kay so i'm pretty sure i feel SO refreshed right now
*ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* --_--
i just took like a half an hour shower... i got my YM last week (and oh yeah did i mention the O-C is on the cover?!?! ^_^) and like in the ever so practical section of things to do in the winter is this thing about dry hair.
i don't have dry hair ... but after i got my hilights i've been feeling like my hair is about to dry out... on the VERGE. it just doesn't seem as securely moist! i dont' know why.
so in my YM there's this thing about how to not let your hair get dry in the winter-- "lather your conditioner over your damp hair and then blow dry for a minute" supposedly this opens up some things in your hair that lets all the conditioner particles and vitamins in and "un dry's" your hair. WHEE :D so i'm happy becuase i am not scared about my hair drying out anymore :) i need to redo my hilights soon too... they're growing out :(

so yah. i took a HOT shower and then i used this exfoliating stuff i borrowed from tiff.. its this face wash with little tiny microbeads that you rub on your face and all the yucky stuff and dead skin falls off and it leaves you feeling uber smooth :) SO GOOD!

i'm debating on whether or not to save the self heating facial mask for tommorow morning :P haha i dont' know what's wrong with me. i wanna go to a spa.

i don't really have anything ot write today.

does that mean that my life is becoming less dramatic?

for a day.
just for today.

so yah if anyone saw that minishouts thing its just something i was doing during a spare data period ... didn't get to finisha nd i think its dumb anyways i can't remember all these people. so i deleted it

this has been *such* a lovely day so far :D
yesterdays thing is resolved
and today has been great :)
timbits and not much work :D
and driving
i just went driving...
i can parallel park! whee!

"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. " Psalm 4:4

for the past few weeks all i could *really* feel was hurt. hurt because of this, sadness because of that. i mean, even if i said i was mad, i wasn't i was just hurt.
but today, and yesterday probably... there was an anger inside of me that i haven't felt for what seems like a while. this emotion that tugs at my stomach and my eyelids instead of my heart. where for a moment i dont' care whether the person whom my anger is directed to lives or dies. all i care about is how i refuse to take anymore of their crap. or be hurt by them any longer. and for a moment i don't want to do things to myself to make it stop, but i want to do things to them to make it stop. well not really "do" things... but just somehow make them feel as bad as i have been feeling.

i know this is a really selfish emotion. and i know that this is not something that God wants. but it's just so hard. and i know its not supposed to be easy... but...
i dunno. i need to breathe. pray. wipe out the vengeance that begs so convincingly. let the silent tears flow and stop feeling like a child who craves to be held.

unsure
sometimes i get
confused
like now
and i wonder why the world
is so
inverted.
but really,
its me that's upside down.
and all the kicking and screaming won't change that.

i saw this song on jo's aa and downloaded it... i don't know why... cuz i used to really hate this song. it was so overplayed. but i guess i never paid attention to the words and when i read them on her aa it made me wonder if anyone hoped these things for me.. and... i dunno. i'm hooked on this song and i can't explain it. i'd have to say my favourite part is the second verse:
"hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"

I Hope You Dance: Leanne Womack(sp?)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

[chorus]
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

mac n cheese, nemo, and jay chou

was at tiff's for her early birthday gathering today ^_^ :) happy early bday squiff! ^_^
was really great to eat. omg i stuffed myself sooo much. i'm so sure that all my whatever diet efforts have been wiped out from this one meal alone :P
was great to chill with everyone too :) lots and lots of laughs hehe :) watched finding nemo again and sang kareoke!!! =d :D jay chou is uglier than edison but HOTTER :P BLAH! haha... good times =)

this past week has been a real reflection on life.
i developed a list. list of stuff i want to do before i die.. or rather ... accomplish in my lifetime. it's just started but it's linked on the sidebox under "and all that jazz" as "the list"...check it out :P

had lunch with patty, gladys, jo, and kat today at golden mango :) was nice to chat and eat ... yummo i had something different than what i always get heee and it was yummy too! an example of good change :P

"family dinner" tonight at "suk poh and suk gung's" aka-- tiff's grandparents. it's interesting cuz we were talkign abotu how we actually feel related now... except not to eachother. because.. we've just been friends for too long to feel like that. at most cousins. it's cool though. to see how our families have gotten closer through this distant relation thing. i feel really blessed to have been able to get to know these people better. to feel like i have extended family nearby. cuz all my "other" relatives life in hk.

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
Matt 5:29 ohhhhh... but i can't let go of you.

lifesong
wow.
what a much needed refresher. thought provoker.
kudos to my buddy dave for sharing!
... something he said really stuck out to me. "i saw [the Christians at fellowship] and saw how they seemed to handle everything. they knew that no matter what happened, no matter how bad it was, that it was all part of a big plan that God has for their lives and that eventually it would all be to their benifit."
God help me remember. help me always draw my strength from You.

btw-- WHO'S idea was it to throw my cow across the stage??!?! ... =P MEEEEANN!!!
but haha it was kind of funny afterward thinking about my reaction. dave like threw him and i was like *GASP* and sat there open mouthed for like 15 seconds... alex was laughing his head off.

it was a good time of socializing after lifesong last night... got to talk to a bunch of people i haven't talked to in a long while... got to meet a few new faces... and got to spend time with jo tiff alex and... HEIDI! up from western :) lol we stood out in the cold for like an hour cuz every single place in the plaza was closed or full :P so funny tho...

conversation
as i was talking to a last night something he said really hit me. he said something to the effect of "i was thinking about how God loves us so much... every single one of us so unimaginably... and he *knows* that alot of people are going to put him as their second choice or not love him back at all and that hurts him... but he still loves everyone that much. His love is so unconditional.. and i just want to get there. i want to be able to love my friends with all of my heart even if i know they dont' love me back or make me their second choice.."
something else i'd like to be able to do.
keep working on setting my expectations aside.
keep trying to be more Christ-like.
keep loving, harbouring no bitterness.
a you always challenge me. thanks. :)

gonna go have lunch now... BAI!

finally friday

friday finally.
i was so afraid that when i woke up all the pretty snow would be melted but it's still here! :) i wanna go buy some mittens and a hat after school maybe. the only thingi dont' likeabout this weather change is that my skin is reacting poorly to it :(

winter wonderland

so yesterday it was pouring rain.
and today i get up and i'm freezing cold, i grew a zit, and my lips are completely chapped.
so i look out the window and ... it's blizzarding!!!!!!!!!! ^.^
yayYYY! (sorry to all snowhaters) but omg do you knwo what this means???
SNOWMEN! SNOWANGELS!.... and above alll SKKKIIIII TRRIIIPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm soooooo dibbly excited about this ski trip see. :P i'll hopefully get to learn how to snowboard as well ^_^ and live a winter collingwood experience ! heeeeeeeeeeee
loook look look!
but the bad side of things is... even though it's blizzarding out-- school is still on.
WHY!? i mean, the lights are flickering. since i've been in the library the power has gone off and back on. and the STREET LIGHTS aren't working!
do they WANT us to die? apparently so. even if it *wasn't* snowing and the street lights weren't working i'd think they might cancel school-- but a blizzard + no street lights?
that to me, is unquestionable.

i actually got my butt to iscf today! :) ... late. but i went :P :)
was good times :) nice prayer and fellowship :)
a good way to start a day that shouldn't be starting. :P

in light of the new white christmas weather, i think i'm gonna make a wish list. :D

what was different

i got up and i didn't pause by the top kitchen cabinet.
and i didn't rush by avoidingly either.
i just forgot.
and i got to school, and took a breath in.
as i sat in my physics chair and katelyn commented about how the people in front of us smelled like bad b.o.
and they did.
but i didn't care.
and breathing in made me smile.
and maybe grimace a little.
but i smiled in my head.
and i looked up a bit and said a little thankyou.
and i closed my eyes and looked back a few days and i said a little thankyou.

thankyou.

happy birthday joseph and liz! :)

In flanders fields the poppies blow, between the crosses row on row, that mark our place, and it the sky, the larks, still bravely singing fly, scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the dead, short days ago, we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow. Loved, and were loved, and now we lie in flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe, to you from failing hands we throw, the torch be yours to hold it high, if ye break faith with us who die, we shall not sleep though poppies grow in flanders fields.

rememberance day.
i think it's really important to remember what happened before. the lives that were given and taken for what we have today. so that we don't take for granted the peace we are so blessed to live in today.

oh and lookat the picture above- if there was any doubt that the inside of the poppy is actually black-- let it be clarified. :P i like the poppies with the black inside better than the ones with green inside. i mean, for one thing it's actually accurate. secondly, it doesn't look so "happy" or "christmassy". and also, the green is ugly :P

we had a remembrance day assembly today at school... i thought it was pretty well done... i'd have to say that Justin and wallace and alex and the rest of the orchestra's Schindler's list piece had me moved almost to tears... full body goosebumps at least as is usually the case when i hear Justin play violin... or see him play. *AH!* sooo good! i love watching him play because he always looks like he's totally engulfed in the music, unaware of anything or anyone else around him. that was definitely my favourite part of the assembly. ahhhhh!!!! and wallace's quartet was really good too!! although i guess i didn't specifically like the piece as much as the schindler's list.. but it was still so good! so together!! (wall, liz, justin, and daryl) wowowowoww. i like orchestra now. i think maybe i'll go to TWO symphonies in my lifetime :D .. hahhaa... or more as long as either wall or justin plays in them.
and ROB!!! i didn't even know my buddy rob had that kinda talent- i can't believe he WROTE that song he sang! plus the violin and piano parts too-- ppl this wasn't like a sissy song it was a NICE song. not cheesy or anything either.

it's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe it it's finally over-- this crazy hell week is over... this week will die down from here... and the weekend will be a blast :) AND i'm gonna get a full 8 hours of sleep tonite :Dwheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... no more bags under the eyes!
a BIG thankyou and xoxoxo to g, jo, mike, patty, jeh, adrian, pearl, bro,and jon.
without you, well... this week would have been much much much worse. esp g and jo. and ESPECIALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY GOD!!!! :P :) for all the answered prayers, for the love, for the comfort, for lessons learned. please help me trust You more, love You more. thankyou and much love.

things i'm looking forward to
- wed nite O-C!!!!!!!!!!!!! *AHHHHHHHHHHH*
- thurs nite-- sunday school teacher training thingy
-fri nite-- lifesong, plus see patty and heidi and g!
-sat-- breakfast? and operation christmas child
-sun-- tiff's bday thing!!!
-CHRISTMAS! -- i had this down under my "currently" thing a few weeks ago as what i was looking forward to... and i was thinking it was really far away but reallyy-- it's NOT! i mean, we're already mid nov! that means only a montha nd a bit left!!

it's over. "hell day" is over!!!! *cheer*!
i have BAGS under my eyes-- ew! and i am gonna miss the o-c tonite cuz i have to do so much crap O_o
after tommorow-- i will do NOTHING. i will sleep for 13 hours. i will bask in the finale of it all....
and then i will get up again. because i have a chem quiz and an english assignment to do. *sigh*

i quit concept today. i can't believe it. it was something i really wanted to do in my last year. but i had to quit becaus ei jsut don't have the time to be staying after school until 5 or 6 everyday. just can't. so i guess i'm gonna be sitting in the crowd again this year-- at least i was "in it" most of the way through so i can maybe still write it down in my resume. :P and there's always rugby and multi for that i guess... and robyn wasn't pissed off or anything.
ARGH. it's so frustrating though!!! yet another thing i fail in, *another* thing i can not handle.

the weekend is only 4 days away. -_-

happy belated bday caleb!!!
added Ina to my links-- lol someone i don't know lol but is a super cool chickie knowledgable about interesting things such as "clicking" hehe :) if you were to lock me up in a room with this girl, i think we'd have a lot to talk about. plus we have a bunch of mutual friends :)

things that tugged my heart strings and made me smile today:
waking up to a 14k email, love, worship, abercrombie!! (thanks jeh), jerky (thanks adrian), "hold my hand... TAKE IT!" hahahahahaha....

my new favourite from the "canadian tire" album. :P (haha)
this song says... everything.

Oh Lord Your Love - Caedmon's Call

Oh Lord i give You all i have,
but it seems so little,
when You have given me so much.
I come to You with empty hands,
and a heart that's fragile,
You come to me with wealth of Love.

Oh Lord Your love,
is new with every morning,
Your faithfulness,
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that i am weary,
Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is light.

And i will sing You songs of praise,
but Your greatness is beyond me,
i know i cannot comprehend
how You ancient of days,
stoop Yourself to call me,
to be Your son,
to be Your friend.

[chorus]

i was cleaning my room and went through some baptismal cards... actually thinking about my baptism a lot last night... thinking about what i knew then and how sure i was that God would sustain me through everything. and how i need to get back there. back in His arms where He holds me so tight i can't possibly fall. i need to regain that passion. anyways this one card- from someone who has been one of the most supportive people in my life- said this:

"Do not lose sight of the joy of the Lord, and remember, his timing is perfect. Our only job is to trust in Him."

*how* perfect it is... i think i only understand now.

went to the uw open house today... thinking kin is actually prolly more suited to me than health sciences... but we'll see.

had brunch with g at angie's mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :) yummo breakfast =)

and studying.

"He restores my soul and guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and staff they comfort me."

i know i said i wsn't gonna post til fri nite..
but it's gonna be short :P
happy bday to will and eunie! :)
yo will eighteen guy!!! :) sicksicksick :)

speaking of sick. i was sick at home with a tummy ache today.

and i have decided to forget. from now on. my life is a life of disregard and forgetting. we'll see how i like it.

things.

after i write this blog, i will close this window, shut down my icq, and turn off my computer until friday night.
and from there i will bury my head into my books and fill my head with the knowledge that needs to be there.
i had a good day. i got to have lunch with deb (happy birthday! :) ) and it was really nice to chat.
i've had what i consider to be a rough month. where my perseverance has been challenged and my limit has been pushed. i've fallen again and again. indulging in temptations that if you only knew you would view me so differently than maybe how you view me now. and i have been ashamed. and hurt.
and i have struggled to trust God and give it all up to Him.
"Faith without deeds is dead." has my faith been dead?
i know that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
but i have fallen.
do you know how scary it is? to do things you know are so incredibly wrong and detestable in the eyes of the Lord? even in the eyes of man.
and in other areas of your life, trying to do things that are right. but having things fall apart anyways until you wonder-- what's the point?
and i have done nothing but complain and fall into sadness.
somebody said to me last night "YOU're the only one who thinks you can't do it! it's becuase you dont' even try!" and i wanted to say "YES I DO!" but really--- i don't.
not as hard as i can anyways. i need to get my butt back in gear.
i need to stop
whining
sighing
freaking
complaining.
and remember how blessed i really am.
i need to know that others care but not expect it.
and i need not to need them to care.
i STILL need to work on no expectations.
and humility.
i need to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,"
i need to be true to God and to myself.
i need to try harder.
and right now
i need to focus.

please pray for me. thanks.

erased
because it wasn't about you.

coke can

i am just like that
coke can.
that was sent falling from my arms as i ran to the door.
too much
rocking
sloshing
jerking
seething
too much.
and that one little drop. thud.
made me cascade into violent spins
dizzy releasing tears and stains over the walls
over the floor.
twisting and turning until finally
stopping.
broken.
when will i stop?

a big thankyou to waiki and lex. i owe any bit of goodness in this day to you.

PINK!
hahaha
a new happier less scary "interface" :P
i tried to insert this code where when you click the mouse confetti pops up but it didn't work... so here it is. :P

i wish i was erica.
then maybe i could hit the notes!!!! >_<
*gr*