things.

after i write this blog, i will close this window, shut down my icq, and turn off my computer until friday night.
and from there i will bury my head into my books and fill my head with the knowledge that needs to be there.
i had a good day. i got to have lunch with deb (happy birthday! :) ) and it was really nice to chat.
i've had what i consider to be a rough month. where my perseverance has been challenged and my limit has been pushed. i've fallen again and again. indulging in temptations that if you only knew you would view me so differently than maybe how you view me now. and i have been ashamed. and hurt.
and i have struggled to trust God and give it all up to Him.
"Faith without deeds is dead." has my faith been dead?
i know that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
but i have fallen.
do you know how scary it is? to do things you know are so incredibly wrong and detestable in the eyes of the Lord? even in the eyes of man.
and in other areas of your life, trying to do things that are right. but having things fall apart anyways until you wonder-- what's the point?
and i have done nothing but complain and fall into sadness.
somebody said to me last night "YOU're the only one who thinks you can't do it! it's becuase you dont' even try!" and i wanted to say "YES I DO!" but really--- i don't.
not as hard as i can anyways. i need to get my butt back in gear.
i need to stop
whining
sighing
freaking
complaining.
and remember how blessed i really am.
i need to know that others care but not expect it.
and i need not to need them to care.
i STILL need to work on no expectations.
and humility.
i need to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,"
i need to be true to God and to myself.
i need to try harder.
and right now
i need to focus.

please pray for me. thanks.