oh btw, --------->
i added this number guessy game thingy on the side
hahahaha
lancer@kp.planet.gen.nz made it...
i like lancer :) hehe

the last few days have been really good just relaxing :)
had a few days of quality kreazeless time. that was really nice. a lot of shopping which is always nice too...
not that i really bought much except-- VALENTINES :) i love valentines.
although i'm not such a fan of valentine's DAY. =P

ugh. the more time i spend with kreazeless the more i wish this year wouldn't end.
i don't want to go to university anymore.

finally finally finished exams :) really glad of that. wentokay i guess :P
four days to shop, sleep, bum, photoshop, and watch my soaps.
had fun eating and webcamming with jo and dora tonite hehe
prom dress looking up wheee gonna go shopping for a "corset" top for jo tomorrow :)
i want a new dress :P

question: in your opinion, is it rudER to :

a) refuse to extend plans with someone when those extended plans overlap/conflict with plans previously made with someone else?

or

b)agree to extend plans with someone and cancel those plans previously made with someone else?

just one left and it's tomorrow.
and it's calc.
and it's scary.

please please pray for me.

two down
latin's done. thankyou God for kicking my memory into gear.
last one tomorrow-- calculus. oh boy. OHHHHHHH boy.
after my latin exam jo and i grabbed some sushi and then headed over to dc only to find it totally packed full. (not to mention disgusting. the smell of oranges and ketchup).
so i ended up studying at eumie's (thankyou) for 3-4 hours... i'm pretty sure i understand everything ... just gotta do do do more questions. at least i don't have to work tonight unlike jo. and i figured out that absolute function graphs=piecewise function graphs. whew.
i am physically and emotionally exhausted.

ironic

thirteen days short of three months
later
burdened by the weight of books
lack of sleep
and bleeding
and things being pushed away because i need to study
i reached for the white inside the medicine cabinet.
"for the pain" i said outloud.
but my hand trembled ever so
slightly, because i wasn't sure
if i was lying.
and unscrewing my fate, i came to find
two smiling salmon-red, which was
just enough.

buiyee di nita and ivan did their auz presentation today and i fell in love with Nichole Nordeman's Legacy that was in their powerpoint... did i mention i dont' like nichole nordeman? :P but this is a really good song. really.

second last day of studying

met a guy named jason here at the library who i ended up sharing a group study room with which is great because it didn't seem like i was hogging a whole room and plus i could make noise and spread my stuff out more hehe :)yayyyy

going out to cambridge to have BT with tiff's fam and grandparents... eeee.... my mom wants me to say chinese new years blessings to them. erk. what if i say them wrong???? i can type out the phonetics better i think, although my grandma said i pronouced the stuff right haha aww i love my grandma.
i think for Suk Gung and Suk Poh i will select the following blessings:

-Gung hay fat choy (i refuse to spell it as "fat CHOI" because that can be taken as a crack about my weight :P)
-Sun tai geen hong

is two enough? i have little concept of these traditions as all my relatives live in hk and the only thing we do is call my grandma anyways... well, hopefully that will suffice :) i'm excited about pho! :9

another day of studying

when you come to the library everyday you start noticing things. like for example the bathrooms. i use the main davis centre bathrooms not the library ones because the ones inside the actual library are goosebumpenticingly disgusting. however, the toilet paper is the same. if you can even call it that. this is just about the THINNEST toilet paper i have ever encountered in my entire life. you can actually see your hand pretty clearly through this stuff! i basically have to wrap it around my hand six or seven times before it reaches somewhat of a normal thickness level. maybe i'm pampered with my quilted royale i have at home but i know one thing. next year, i'm packing my own toilet paper when i go off to university. you'd think such expensive tuition would pay for better toilet paper.

took a small study break and grabbed some coffee at williams with nita since her and ivan are up this weekend for the australia missions presentation. it was really great to catch up and nice to be reminded that people can leave for a long time and things are still the same afterward.

another observation. a few years ago i felt that the oriental population of the library was really high. but recently i've found there are a lot more brown people here than orientals. not that it matters. just something i noticed.

OH MY GOD. someone just let out the loudest wettest fart EVER lol everyone is laughing hahahaha this is so gross!

okay time to notice calculus again. :P oh exams, how i loathe thee.

study break

The english exam went alright this morning. I decided against writing him a note at the end thanking him for all his enriching teachings and etc because i thought that might be too obviously suck-upish and fake. But i do think i will tell him later that his thesis writing lesson was helpful to me during the exam. Though, of course, i knew how to write a thesis before he spent an hour talking about it while i read a newspaper clipping on the wall beside me.

Not that those skills were very present today as i stared at my exam paper.
"Discuss what the authors portrayed in (2) of the articles given and (1) other work discussed in class regarding choices and the way they affect change." Blink. OkAY, i thought we were doing Hamlet, not MacBeth... that never even crossed my mind as a potential topic and all the Hamlet quotes I had written on my supplementary article sheets did not correspond to this. What a waste of time trying to find stupid connections between the stories/articles.

In the end, i used Closing the Door, Guest something, and Fall on Your Knees to pull some nonsensical thesis out of my ass. I truly believe education today is biased toward those who are politically enriched. I for one, have practically nothing to say about the state of our country, the positives and negatives of our government? none. except how we're lucky to be able to make choices freely. that's it. and most of the articles given being political, i struggled. Therefore, i don't think the exam was really a test of our English skills, but rather, a test of the political knowledge we already had and the ability to form an opinion about something I have no clue about. GR. i need to start watching the news or taking politics or something. Well whatever. I managed to come up with something although it was neither right nor left wing.

okay back to calculus. stay tuned for more rants about the injustices of the public education system. O_o just kidding.

Happy Chinese New Year
haha year of the monkey, which is my mom my dad AND my sister btu not me :)

well it's certainly the truth that it hasn't been "my year" thus far.

the first snowday of the year...
lands on the first day of exams.

it's crazy. i have a picnic table in my backyard and it's like almost completely buried! and it's STILL snowing!

i normally like snow but this just screws me over. because i was going to spend all weekend on calc. but now that i have latin on monday, i'm going to have to do some latin because if not, i'll forget it all!
GRRR
this is horrible horrible horrible.
i think the weather shoudl make up fro it by having another snow day on WED. so that i have an extra day off. :P

less than a week until exams are over.
my exam schedule is as follows:

Thursday 8:30-10:30: English
Friday 11:00 - 12:30: Latin
Monday 11:00- 1:00 : Calculus

after this i have tues and wed off!! whee :)

prayer please please and thankyou :)

on friendship

"i am a circular saw."
-from Fred Cogswell's "Circular Saw"

In regard to my previous post, ecjunior made a comment that I think is very valid. I was going to just reply in the comments but I think that maybe a lot of people might have the same thoughts and so I thought I’d just clarify in a new post.

“i don't think people delibrately try and "NOT" care or talk to you... jasy, you have to understand that people still care about you even tho they don't talk to you or call you everyday...
sometimes ppl jus get tied down with work, midterms, finals and other stuff... i'm not saying that you're not important but sometimes it's just hard to balance everything.. you want them to succeed?? don't you?? we all sometimes get too involved witht the things that is right up our faces... but it doesn't mean we don't care”


I did not mean to say that I feel this way about “everyone” … rather I was venting my thoughts about select situations, select people. But as always, I did blow things out of proportion so that they accommodated “everyone”, when in reality I don’t even feel this way about everyone. It’s just a few people. Sorry…

But yes, even within these few people I should think about their lives, their whatever. (Whatever is just all inclusive of whatever matters in their lives not diminishing its importance.) I never asked for a call or conversation everyday… that is by FAR not what I want at all. I would have to be the biggest baby in the entire world to expect that. I don’t even have time to talk to everyone I know every single day, that would just be crazy.
But I guess referring to the person that blog post was mainly about, (because each post is mainly only about a few people, or a few people sparked the thoughts), I would ask the question of whether in like three months they have a single minute of time for me. I shouldn’t expect time I know, but in considering something to be a friendship, you would think that you would have at least one freakin’ minute of time for a “friend”. It’s not just not calling, not emailing, not seeing, it’s not calling BACK, not even picking up the phone, not emailing BACK, and not even bothering to see me when I’m in the same city somewhat close by. The last one, I didn’t care that much before. The first one, I didn’t care that much before, but tell me, how long does it take to write a one line email saying “I’m swamped I can’t talk to you for the next freakin three months”? I honestly haven’t talked to this person in three months and it’s not because I don’t care to try.

Okay so basically I’ve been shafted. This is just embarrassing. But I just wanted to clarify myself.

And do I want them to succeed in what they’re doing? Of course! And if their success is at the expense of our friendship so be it. But I’d appreciate them letting me know. maybe send me a one line email saying "i'll be busy fo the next three months". But I do apologize for overreacting, dramatizing, and thinking something of a friendship that perhaps never even existed. I guess this is just one of the situations of a bunch, but it’s the main one.

that's IT! that's totally it. i'm sick of trying to be "mature" sick of feeling like nothing.
i feel what jo feels except that it seems like people actually CARE that she feels that way.

i feel like i only matter what it's convenient for people. (aside from a select few).
only when it's convenient for them to care, only when it benifits them in some way.
then, and when i outburst, when i get visibly upset.
i've been trying to not care, not feel hurt, not resent that i just get brushed aside.
it's not just people far away forgetting about me. although yeah, that hurts too. hurts when people have made faulty promises. but it's not just that. it's feeling like i don't matter even here. it's like i have to yell and jump up and down in order for people to see that i'm around. and i wonder why the hell do i care? why do i care to call? why do i care to email? why do i care to say hello? i mean, it;'s notlike i dont' have enough friends. not like i have nothing else to do. but i'm sick of making all this effort and having people only respond when it's "convenient" for them. if they dont' care, then neither will i.

when jo and i were talkign about this earlier today she pointed out that if we stopped making the effort, then the other party woudl think we stopped caring. to clear up for anyone else who thinks "what if they think the same thing of you?" here's my response:
"WHy on earth should we be the ones crawling on the ground grovelling for a friendship that THEY don't care about?what RIGHT do they have to say we "stopped caring" when they haven't been doing anything all along?
good gawd. maybe then they can figure out whether or not this friendship actually means anything to them at all. and stop taking us for granted if it does."

and if they dont' care that i dont' care anymore all the better. then no one has to get hurt anymore. no one has to feel like yesterday's trash.

we had a worship night in a highschool today.
my highschool.
highschool where satan says no, Christianity is not allowed within these walls.
where it's too offensive.
where satan says no, if you want to worship in my school, you have to pay $300.
where satan says no, you'll have to pay more to use the piano too.
where satan says no, you can only put up ten posters.

but where God says yes, I will provide, you don't have to pay afterall.
where God says yes, the piano is free too.
where God says yes, I'll bring about a hundred people to this place to worship me.

where the Holy Spirit moved many to tears, joined many in fellowship, and united many in prayer.

i'm amazed. praise God.

forgot to mention---
PICS :) hehehe... on the right under the heading "and all that jazz..." click on my imagestation button :)
i have pics only from like christmas holidays (christmas, boxing day, dec. 27-29) but more are coming :)

and also -- WCI is having a worship nite in the aud at 7:00 pm on friday nite :) gonna be sickkk with mark walsh on base! so good! plus it's really amazing because originally iscf was told we'd have to pay a lot of money (like $300) to the board in order to have this worship night. but then after praying about it, we were informed that we didn't have to pay a cent! God answers prayer :)

formal's coming up.
yes. i'm going.
i guess more people are goign stag now that tiff is coming up for it, viv's goign, esther oha nd linette, jo and kat are stag for NOW.... so its' should be okay :)
getting ready is more fun than the actual thing anyways
and the theme "China town" is too cool to pass up. i mean, come ON this formal was MADE for kreazeless. china town. too too cool.
i'm not spending a cent though without a date.
aside from the ticket of course, so i'm gonna have to pick a dress out of the selection that i have. not sure which one yet. eek.

the o-c is amazing. i missed it on monday but i caught it tonight and OMG.
i AM summer. re: the part where she's freaking to marissa, i AM summer.
dora is marissa and ... either kat or jo is anna and good gawd we need a fourth girl.

blogging from kat's oh so sleek new laptop!
lucky bum!
ahhhH!!! i have to stop. i'm starting to like this!
even the mouse isn't bothering me anymore

so last nite, things were resolved with "scab". i got closure and i'm happy.
anyways it wasn't super nice to call him scab. :P not scab.
haha anyways i'm glad i don't have to think aboutthat anymore :)
in a way, i'm glad things were maybe slightly dramatized. because it gave us a chance to talk it out.
otherwise, it mayjust have never been resolved and bitterness would be eternally harboured.

anyhoo, going to get some sesame chicken-- go to mikeys!

life's highs gotten by
daydreams
of living television situations
or becoming movie personalities
and the giddyness pink
that becomes me
when these dreams
turn reality.
but sometimes i forget
when sitting in the thickest part
of the plot purple
that the glass slipper had to be lost
and Cinderella returned to rags
before she could live happily ever after,
forget that things can work
but only if the plot moves forward
only if Cinderella rushes down
shows her ash streaked face
unkempt hair
frightened that maybe her foot grew
that the slipper might no longer fit
vulnerable
but still stepping into it
that the story might close
the way
it was meant to.

Think Now and Then, Joy Luck Club, Little Women, and Days of our Lives, in a blender. only all chink and only one set of creases.

Think the best of friends.

think Kre3zeLE$$.


clickclick check it out :P

meet Norman :) haha
went with eumie and andy down to petcetera and got a new fishie :)
whee! :)

i'd have to admit... my previous post was a tad immature.
sorry.
jsut upset
just hurt

i don't hate scab. i hate myself more.

it's just... difficult.

instead of blogging about "Scab" i'm going to blog about clara instead.
i called clara after talking to Scab. because he hurt me and i had to cry.
and since clara is the best- after freaking out about how much of a dick he is we were just being silly and not thinking about retarded ass ugly grubbbbbbbbbbby boys.
i even got to laugh instead of cry. and you know what Scab? its not okay for guys to wear their clothes three days in a row before washing them.

anyways... i just wanted to say thankyou to kurara. i lub you!!
and i have other things to say to Scab.

to : scab

i hope you know i hate you,
i hope you know how much it hurts
and that you hurt twice as much
but i won't tell you that.

and i hope you know
it will never be the same.
and that all i trusted
you with is dead.

and i hope you know it's not okay for you to
bring up times when we were friends
or look at me.
because that never happened.

i'm not going to formal anymore.
i'm thinking i'm going to become a nun.

took a "relook" at my horrible grad photos with my parents... and found a few that are actually okay... well... the casual one i liked from the beginning... but there are two actual grad pics that are alright... so i'm getting the three... probably more convenient than retakes and stuff anyways which might not even turn out better. i would say tell me if you want one but i haven't ordered them yet so i'll do that later.

why are grad pics such a big deal? well... pretty much everything is a big deal to me, but they're a really big deal because... like what 20 something years down the road i don't want to be looking back on my highschool years and thinking "man i was so ugly" and i don't want others to look back and think that either. :P

can someone help me fix up my aa page?
it's messed up and i dont' know why i can't get it to look nice. nothing works.

it was a crappy week but a fast one. "today" is friday already whee!

and happy beelayted birthday to jefffffffo lammy! :)

new wishlist:
a formal date. winter formal is the day before valentines day.
i HATE valentines day. does anyone else hate valentines day? because it is definitely the worst day of the entire year for pathetically single me.
seventeen. graduating year and i dont' have a date to winter formal. gawd.
i hate myself so much right now.

my grad pictures sucked. no. more than sucked. i'm never eating again.

theme of the day? self loathing.

going back to school after a break is always tiring. i'm tired. i think i'm gonna sleep early tonight.

-links i added but forgot to say i added:alan aka bro 1 and jon aka bro 2haha
-got to see eumie today :) yay :) it ws nice to chat
-dc is REALLY COLD.
-caught in the "idea" of you. *sigh*

i. love. the . o. c.
AHHHH
oh seth *swoon*
it was SOOOO good tonight! i've been feeling so OC deprived for the past few weeks! ... hehe oh my goodness :)
they made a lot of references to the Golden Girls tonight and i've seen very little of the Golden Girls but Summer was singing the Golden Girls theme song and so i ended up downloading it hehe e:) i like the words :

Thankyou for Being a Friend

Thankyou for being a friend,
travelled down the road and back again,
your heart is true,
You're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party,
Invited everyone you know,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me,
and the card attached would say,
Thankyou for being a friend.

everyone watch the o-c. hehe.

oh four is born again.

I'm starting the year over. It started poorly and I refuse to have a bad year. There's too much to do without it being emotionally difficult as well.
For me personally, 2003 wasn't too bad... in fact, the first half .. three quarters was great... i think the "badness" of the year didn't begin until shortly after my seventeenth birthday. And counting "years" in terms of age, i'd say sixteen was amazing while seventeen holds a more difficult and painful place in my mind. Not trying to say seventeen is an "unlucky" age or whatever... but that's just how circumstances ended up in my case.

Since 2004 began, I've cried everyday, gotten myself into three disagreements in three days, fallen into temptation innumerable times, and until last night, i couldn't bring myself to pray. It's frustrating, ending off last year really well and then... coming into something so... crazy. or rather, becoming someone displaying characteristics i thought i'd left behind. not that i expect things to be perfect, myself to be perfect, but it's just scary that what is supposed to be a new beginning is taking off in such a negative manner.

so i'm starting over. two thousand and four is going to be amazing.
if there was ever a time for self-fulfilling prophesy it would be now.
you're going to see a new, better me. :)

five four three two one. happy new year.

misconception

pulling legs cross eachother,
not smoothly mind you,
and hair tainted by heartache and neglect away from skin
that rejects softness,
with fingers that are chewed away with worry
felt in the almost ferocious fluttering of a diaphragm
like a voice that refuses silence
a constant static clouding reception.
dark grapes and glass put away now and
auld lang sine read and back on the shelf
dusty.
these tattered hands flip three hundred and sixty five eternities,
already weary,
already wondering,
why we greet the new year
happy.

happy new year! :)