doing this right now is almost a form of meditation. crazy? maybe... but my mind is completely and utterly filled to the brim right now and over flowing into my fingers that i just can't stop typing right now or at least that's what it feels like.
do you ever think about your life.. no not just your life... your being. step back and look at the big picture of you and realize wow. and you're breathless. at least that's how i feel right now-- breathless. like every breath i'm taking is signifigant-- though normally overlooked as something just completely normal it suddenly seems like such a miracle. and the fact that right now i'm chillaxing in my pajamas (yes my pj's still :P), surrounded by junk and the wallpaper i used to hate when i moved here and listening to Mandy Moore's "Crush" seemingly everyone and everything has disappeared except for myself and my thoughts. i just sit and feel so content in everything.

well i took a good look at myself and my life today. especially since all my many plans were cancelled today i just had time to be alone and think. although a lot of this time was spent on the phone. :) it was nice though because i got to talk to a really good friend of mine-- we haven't really actually talk talked in a while :( but yeah ... somehow throughout our conversation she suddenly asked me how many times a week i actually talk on the phone. and i was confused but answered. i'm not going to tell the whole world that answer except that it's a lot of times.*blush*...and well, she pointed out that whenever i'm drowning in troubles or maybe if i'm only ankle deep in them, my first reaction is to tell someone. and she said it worried her because one day i'm going to turn around and find that there is no one there to talk to because everyone is occupied. "no way" i said. "that'll never happen" i paused. "but what if it does?" she said "what then?" another pause.. "i'd freak" i admitted. so from now on i am going to try and pray about the "traumatic event" first, secondly i'l think about past experiences/advice i have stored in my head and see if the problem is fixable by myself, and THEN talk to someone about it. *grin* that way, i won't be needy forever. hahahahaha
but that conversation struck up a thought in my brain-- the fact that i am SO LUCKY. God's blessed me with so much in life it's crazy. how i deserve such grace is beyond me... i don't actually. God is just so good. i guess that's just unconditional love for ya :) i realized that i'm so lucky to live in this life. that everything around me is so comforting and safe. where new experiences are exciting and no matter what happens it seems there's always someone for me to turn to. if one person's not there i'll got to another, if that person's not that then i'll go to another ... and so on and so forth. i'm so lucky to live here where i'm loved, accepted, and cared for. where i can call people up to drive me places, or people will just offer to do me these huuuuuge favors that just make my life experience so wonderful because i just have a place in the insane world and people that love me and care about me and when i face troubles or rejection, there's always people to stand by me. sometimes, i really do feel like a Princess even though technically... i'm not... but hey, afterall, i AM His Girl! "cuz i'm His girl, i'm an heir to His kingdom, and i'm justified and purified by the cleansing of His blood. i'm His girl and He's made me a Princess and He calls me beautiful and i think that's enough..." ~Fear of God~
i guess i'm really really scared to go to university ... especially when i realize i have only two years left. it's like a *whoa* when i think omg i'm gonna go off to some strange place where i don't know anyone and i'm gonna be living by myself and i think omg i don't even do my own laundry and what if i dont' meet people and i'll have no friends and pretty soon i'm just hyperventalating cuz wow. geez i'm just a baby.

O_o i'm such a drama queen.

new experiences are good once in a while. i went to clara's today at 11:00 supposedly for lunch but ended up staying there til 4:00 O_o how we managed to burn that much time surprises me...but yeah, i tried something i said i'd never ever ever ever touch. ... but i did. and it was soooper good! i tried sushi hahaha yeah all look at me in confusion... the reason it's so weird for me (if you don't know) is because for one thing, i barely eat seafood let alone RAW seafood. and i told my parents and friends that i would never ever eat it. but yeah the sushi man was scary but the sushi was good :9 yum!

i'm really really really excited about the formal! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~ that is an illustration of my excitement i can't put it into words!

oh! and also, i realized that i really appreciate it when people DON"T tell me how much they miss being old and being an adolescent. it doesn't help it makes me feel like an ingrate and like i should be enjoying the emotional rollercoasters i am going through so thanks for not saying it if you don't. and also, would everyone please just stop leaving?! :P

dress shopping tommorow... sleep time... nite. *

i'm FREEEEEE!!!!! ^_^ hahahaha exams are OVER yes! i'm a little overexcited about this coming week of doing NOTHING absolutely nothing mwahahahahahaha except bumming and shopping for the FORMAL! which is next friday! omg! :) :) *grin*

i made an interesting observation this morning as joanna and i were attempting to concentrate on math review for our exam that was only an hour away... opps.:P it's kind of weird but two of my friends are a lot alike! i commented to them when we were at Harvey's that from a semi side view, a looked like a miniature b... i guess they have some of the same outer traits: both chinese, short ;) . have glasses, skinny :P , same kind of hair style, yeah... ok that's a lot of the same outer traits... but today i came to the realization that many of their inner traits and interests, etc are alike as well... they are both computer literate, both like to read and are amazing at writing, both are quite technical about stuff, they both kinda are "undramatic" unlike myself.. they don't tend to make a huge deal outta everything that happens, both don't miss people very easily, both kind of don't really express their deep feelings a lot... kinda don't show everything they feel... yeah., ummm... yeah there's more but i am tired and i dont feel like typing anymo0re :P :) btw, i'll let you ppl guess for yourselves who they are just cuz i wanna see if other ppl agree :) teehee... and if you have no clue that either means i'm totally wrong or you don't know these two buddies of mine and in that case it's prolly doesn't matter does it? :) haha ok i'm out-- muah***

guess what?
Jasmine Choi CHANGED her HAIR! ^_^ yes it is a big step for me if you didn't know. i normally won't even cut it let alone cut it this short! anyhoo, i don't really have pics of it... but there are some on em's site if you know her and if you don't then... you can come see me in person. :) :) also, dora and i decided that the "adulturous" owner of the place we go to cut our hair loves money and Angel is fake and has an evil plan to steal Mye's customers. hahahaha yyyyyessss...

guess what else? i'm going to the formal!!!! ^_^ why? because it's not my fault that Mo moved to mississauga and i shouldn't have to mope around by myself all nite just cuz of that. Also, because Dora is now going alone too... and plus, it's ok to go alone because clara did and she is definitely not a loser so there.

i had the worst day today. i have decided not to explain in detail but part of it included wiping out and falling down the stairs where the like hottest guy in the whole school was standing. yeah. the day sucked. but tommorow may be better :?

Ever had something special... just for a second... and then it just disapates? "Before the setting sun has disappeared the moon is rising high... and time waits for no man seasons come and go... in the midst of an ever changing world, this one thing i know. You've got to live every moment, as though it was your last, before the theif of always steal tommorow from your grasp.." Jaci Velasquez
How true those words are. There are so many things that people should just DO because ... there's not ALWAYS gonna be a "tommorow" to do it.

As many of my friends know, as of late, the object of my stress has not been on next week's exams but on the upcoming formal. Mainly, getting a date. I thought at the beginning that i would go no matter what... i was like a child on christmas eve waiting for santa to come or something. my friends were making plans with me and i with them... i just... didnt' really think about how i really liked this one guy and really wanted to go with him to this grand social event. this guy is a total sweetheart and i guess ... i admit now that i've liked him for some time... like a few months. but i guess i was too chicken to admit it or make a move. so yesterday, i FINALLY got the nerve to ask him to go to the formal with me. he said no. well actually he said yes but no because he was going to his dad's in missisauga. oh. i said. ok. today... i found out that my assumption about him going to his dad's for that weekend of the formal was incorrect. in fact, he's moving out to mississauga to live with his dad this weekend. i have a hug and an email address to remember this guy by. After school today while i didn't notice that jo karen heidi alex and karen's floormate were leaving, i was talking to the guy's friend. he'd overheard me talking about the guy and asked me if i liked him. i replied yes and he said he thought the guy maybe liked me back too. which i am not positive it was true though so... dunno. and then he asked me if i wanted him to ask the guy out for me. too late. ya know, if i hadn't waited so long to say something, he'd maybe have been my bf. :? whatever.
also, another comment. never ever ever ever wait to communicate. you could lose someone you love love love love love.

On a brighter note, karen came up today for ccf winter retreat and got together with us after school for some nice chilling at Sweet Dreams :9 yum satisfying my craving for bbtea :) :) (see previous blog) it was jo, em, kare, heidi, and i. and also alex at the very end ... but before he came we were playing boggle. it's this game that's like word racer on yahoo... anyhoo, it was funny because karen really really sucked :) but i wasn't too much better:) hahaha em of course, being the English buff of the group won by far ... well... by far from me... i think the ending score was kare=1 jasy=10 heidi=20 jo=25 and em=27 ... something like that. anyhoo, i found some profanity in the boggle thing. that was interesting. and also, today after school i wiped out going up the stairs. boy was that NOT FUN. :P note to self: always hold the railing when going up slippery wet stairs so as not to make self look like fool O_o

I have a sudden craving for bubble tea. i'm not sure why but i do. It's soooooo good. especially since the straws can be used to launch the tapioca pearls at others :) heehee which reminds me of the time when heidi, jo, becca, karen, waiki, and i ...were at Market Village having bubble tea and waiki was talking about how the straw make great pea shooters... well, if you know me, you know i had to try it out. and pretty soon we were having this tapioca fight which ended in my splashing karen with mango flavoured tea all over her fleece.. oppps. some tea was in my straw without me knowing ok? :P

it's cool when you ask someone how their love life is every time you talk to them always getting the same "nonexistant" answer and suddenly it changes :) heehee specially if you can totally guess who has made it existant ^_~

it is monday.
exciting day... sort of. marx FINALLY said yes to kat... he wasn't even going to tell (dumb shyness) her but when he was walking by me and kat at the end of the day i yelled "MARX!" and he turns around and then goes up to kat and is like "kat will you go to the formal with me?" ^_^ which was SOOSOOOOOO cute!!!!! ^_^ omg wow. and kat's like "sure" and he left and me and kat were freaking out so much :) it was amazingly cool... i'm worried though... i don't have a date yet :*( *sigh* i prolly won't get one.... i am praying about it too which is maybe dumb... does God care about me getting a date for the formal? :?

wow. i'm on icq right now and i'm talking to pat and he just made my day. he told me never to change because i'm perfect just the way i am. lately i've been feeling like EVERYONE wants me to change. cuz no one is ever satisfied with ME. but that just made me feel so amazing and loved thanks pat you're so awesome ... you have like no idea how much that meant just now even though it might seem not that big of a deal. it is.

you know what's weird? when you find out you have all this stuff in common with another person you thought you had nothing in common with... and it's like all at the same time... it's kinda weird. i mean it just is. not that it's really bad or anything just never really happened to me before. O_o :)

"The Poplars" by Claude Monet is so pretty ... it reminds me of the beginning of the "Sound of Music".

my greatgrandfather (my dad's grandfather on his father's side) passed away. he was ninety eight years old. he was a really nice guy. well... what i knew anyways. my grandmother(his son's exwife) took care of him til the last day. and now those stupid relatives of his that never showed up while he was living are coming back and insisting on this buddhist burial thing. my grandma just recently became a Christian (Praise God! :) ) but he wasn't. :*( i guess that's what troubles me the most ... i never knew him well... i remember him but we weren't at all close him being in HK and me being here.. he was 98 that's pretty old... but it's just.. doesn't seem like it's fair. why couldn't he die after he maybe became a Christian? my grandma did so could have he! i feel so .... sad. it just seems so unfair... *sigh* i don't know.

i think i know how cinderella must have felt while she was anticipating the night of her life at that ball of hers. but perhaps not. cuz well ... she had a prince charming waiting for her there. and i guess a formal isn't exactly a BALL but hey, closest thing I"VE ever been to and i am so umm... i dunno. mixed feelings. my friends at school are all getting psyched and ready and i am right along with them :) nudging them to JUST ASK HIM or assuring them that he's say yes ... so in a way it's really happy. in another way ... i'm nervous. no one's asked me to go to the formal with them yet... and i can't ask anyone because i dont' like anyone! i wouldn't know who to ask! but i really really really want a date still... just to go with someone as friends :? i guess. dunno. and in yet another way i'm terrified. terrified that if i go i'll trip or something and look like a total geek and *sigh* i can't believe i'm going insane about this. it's not in another month. :P

Verbal Diarhea

There is a hole from my brain to my mouth and sometimes to my fingers. that's why this blogging stuff does me so much good... i can let it out without actually saying exactly what i mean... like, speak in code so i don't hurt anyone but still get it all out... sometimes i can't even hold it all in til then though. :P blah. sometimes i catch myself in mid speaking and suddenly stop and studder and act like i didnt' know what i was saying when in reality i know exactly what i was going to say. but sometimes i realize i should have thought more about it before saying it because well... i guess sometimes you just shouldn't say certain things. wow. this is a revolution. i never used to care at all... i would just speak everything on my mind. but i think now i know it's important to keep a little bit of stuff unsaid if it's for the greater good. afterall, speaking my mind gives me only temporary satisfaction and sometimes it can lead to pretty devastating consequences.

The difference between like and love is when you're in like, you want to live with the object of your like... but when you're in love, you can't live without them. and then i guess, after today, there is an in between ... a really like ... or something like that. i have been in like many times... i kinda have like a flavour of the week :P opps not cool. but i think the only time i've been in love was... well... that one time that i thought this guy was my soulmate and that we would meet in a restaurant one day in the future and get married *sigh* i really could not live without this person at the time... but maybe... it was infatuation :? who knows, i thought i was love. but it's over now anyways so meh. speaking of marriage... people are starting to move into a different life stage... marriage. i have friends getting married in august... and i have another friend who's already married as of last year and has a BABY (so cute!) as of this year... i feel so young. i mean, i'm in highschool still and they are getting married and having kids ... settling down ¬_¬ oh my. kind of scary. but i think i'm kind of starting to like being the age that i am... next year will be better though ...
15 reasons why 16 is better than 15:
1. DRIVING! oops i meant driving LEGALLY. ^_~
2. I can sing "I am sixteen going on seventeen" and actually BE sixteen going on seventeen! ^_^
3. no more T.A.P. (Teacher Advisory Period... GAYNESS!)
4. I'll be one year closer to actually for real being in second year university.
5. it'll be a "sweet" year
6.sixteen is the year where everything happens to people in books and movies and t.v. eg. Ariel (little mermaid) is 16 when the movie happens and she meets her Prince.
7.Miguel is sixteen.. mmmm Miguel (from Passions which i like now by the way.)
8. It's got seven letters in it and seven is my lucky number.
9. People make a bigger deal of it then your 15th birthday... because well it's your "Sweet Sixteen"
10. Did i mention driving?
11. One more candle on my birthday cake :) pretty fire ...
12. Grade eleven is more fun than grade ten since seniors are treated SO much better than Juniors :P
13. People treat you more like an adult but you can still act like an idiot all the time :P :)
14. ummmm....
15. sixteen is a multiple of four. so... dunno. four leaf clovers are lucky ya know?
LOL i'm such a geek.

it's the last weekend before school starts AGAIN. i swear it's like neverending. school is so dumb dumb dumb dumb ok. i wish there was some way to just stall time............................. like that. but that might be brutally boring.

Anyhoo, last nite a bunch of us (pastor tim, heidi, jo, wayne, dora, kat, caleb, tiff, simon, dexter, alex, and myself) went up to Chris's niece's mansion in Burlington :) yay! i love that place so much cuz everytime they go somewhere tim and chris babysit their house and we get to go there and do stuff like in the summer we went swimming in their big backyard pool... and last nite we stepped in to the house on their HEATED TILES O_O and we had supper and watched Moulin Rouge which is now officially my FAVOURITE movie of all time! :) it's the best! i cried and cried and cried. :P i'm a wimp but it was soooooo amazing and sad. and i love musicals haven't watched one in a long time... the songs are so pretty (most of them) i love the "I hope you don't mind" song... i wish a guy would sing that to ME :P i went home and downloaded the songs from the movie :) hahahaha the duke was SO MEAN. i remember him from another movie but i'm not sure what one. i hate him i hate him... i like the guy that doesn't really talk much but keeps saving Satine from things like falling and being raped by the duke. he's so sweet! and Ewin Macguire (sp?) is SOOOOOO CUTE! *sigh* why can't i be in his world? :P
going to see Lord of the Rings today... O_o hope i actually understand it :P hobbits are so weird.

i am reallllyyyyy bored. can you tell? i don't even know what an autobot is :)

the thing about icq that i don't like is the fact that you never know for sure. you never know if the person you're talking to is REALLY the person you think you're talking to. and also, you never know if someone else is reading over their shoulder. it scares me to think of all the important thinks i talk about to ppl on icq... just trusting that no one is there or it's really the person. i have had the "enlightening" experience of talking to someone about something important on icq and then finding out someone else was sitting right next to them the whole time... it does get quite uncomfortable expecially if the person sitting there is involved in the stuff you were saying :P opps. i get this sorta weird feeling when i know there's someone right there.. even when i'm not talking about anything of a private degree... but it helps when i know so i won't start :)

i might go to the formal. i'm not sure. i don't have a dress. and i don't have a date-- yet. but i might get one-- or i mean both. it might be fun... but i am just a tiny bit nervous of the process of getting either. if no one asks me it'll be sad. :( but i've got my fingers crossed

do you ever feel like someone's mad at you? but they just won't say anything... or they are really different... and you wanna tell them cuz it's like annoying you... but you just can't. i am aggreviated and i can't even explain it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! 2002 is gonna be i blast i can feel it! ^_^ i was just outside and i looked up in the sky and the moon is sooooo pretty right now. it's a perfect circle and there's like a haze of yellow around it and then purple and blue... i dunno really how to describe it but it's really beautiful. new year's eve was fun! :) it was nice to be able to spend time with those prolly closest to me. :)
As i reflect on the last moments of 2001...
the last song i sang: Rasberry Ladie ( a song i composed today at work in a state of craziness. for those who don't know, Rasberry Ladee is a lady who is terribly smee ^_~ and crazee! basically she's me when i'm in that state of mind :P) o/~rasberry ladiee is so smee woo wa wee wooooooo :) hahahahaha anyhoo... O_o
the last word i said: one! :)
the last group of people i was with: mom, dad, jo, heidi, irina, alex, auntie maureen, and uncle keith! :)
the last game i played: taboo! :)
i can't think of anymore last things...
oh! the last drink i had was apple cider :9
so.... what of new year's resolutions? i barely ever keep them but this year i really want to have some persaverance in my resolutions. cuz well, what's the point if i don't keep them :? wellll... i think these are it. but this is sorta a rough draft. i need to think some more about it before they are for sure for sure.
1) no more swearing or saying "oh my God"
2) to stop talking about people behind their backs... i wanna be more upfront i guess, if i really dont' like someone i think they deserve to know cuz well, that's what i'd want... :?
3)do devotions EVERY day... no excuses ^_~
4)think before i speak. (hmmm... impossible? maybe.)
i think i will stop there. that's plenty enough for me. at least for now :) *grin*
anyhoo, gonna go now... luv you all ( you know who you all are) oh btw, i'm thirsting for some email coffeecutie_jc@yahoo.ca email me if you have time? :) thanks a bunch! hugs*~*~*