pieces of the home that i miss

i know it's gone. it's really hard to accept. but i know.
nothing i do will ever make it come back.
but i'm still scrambling around trying to grasp the pieces.

519 went to 905 yesterday hehe :) me and kat went up to sauga to see laur and janna and we ate and shopped and drove and watched lacrosse and chilled and took pictures hehe but mostly ... mostly i BASKED in that little bit of "home" that i miss so much.

you know what the problem is though? now i miss them more than ever. i miss EVEYRHING more than ever. and woopdie doo kat is now leaving too. i pick up one piece and then all the others go missing. i'm scrambling.

so it's me and miss wu fending for ourselves. we can do it.

oh guess what? at 10:10pm on april 28th rolvin tallud became my BEST FRIEND!!! why?? becauuuuuuuse : DRUM ROLL PLEASE: he's a XENAFAN!!!!

oh baby. :D

kay. going for the raspberry now... wheeeeeeeeeeeee home home home

ty to jmn for this <3... becuase tonight i needed it more than every other night since i've been back here. please be right.:

I know you've been going through some things
The pain you hold inside's written on your face
I know you bout tired of the rain,
well, baby, so am I,
but I know things can change
Well, you can die, you can sigh,
you can cry til youre midnight blue
But that's not you, no, no
Cause I know you're stronger
It's apparent to me, so to you

If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
I know, but baby, give it some time
Things will go your way, my love
If you just hold on
I swear everything'll be okay
I know that you're nervous
Baby, give it some time
Things will go your way

You should just believe in yourself.

- try to believe.
stepmommy =) | 04.19.05 - 5:19 pm | #

and i'm wishing i could sit, unmoving, crying like i did that night. instead of having to bite my lip and keep walking. walking but not strong enough to keep my cheeks dry.

was gonna write about like stuff that i've learned over the past year but right now all i can think about is the people.

the people who have molded me and who i miss excruciatingly.

anyways, reflections to come. first on the faces, and then we'll see.

the answer to the question

today i said goodbye to my don. and rev south a for the very last time. there's no reason to go back now... no one to help pack or bid farewell to...
and i said goodbye to my ericman. i really dont' know what i am to you, but to ME, you are my brother, my dear friend, who is stuck so close to my heart no matter how far away you are. over in bc it's still yesterday and i wish it was still last week here so i wouldn't have to say so many freakin goodbyes.

what pisses me off about myself is my lack of .. importance i guess. probably my don will go to africa and do AMAZING things (i know she will :) ) and i will be but a speck in her mind if there at all. and eric will be in bc shining his big heart everywhere he goes jsut like he did here... and soon, i will disappear from him. and all the girls will come back in the fall and all those tears we shed... what will they be? maybe some frosh folly brushed aside as nonsense. i dont' have trust. i tried i really really tried but i jsut... can't. you know why?? becuase i'm not memorable. becuase i'm NOT important and i dont' AFFECT anyone. i dont' make enough of an impression on anyone to be actually rememebered or valued. all i've done this year is take and take and take and really, i just dont' give enough to be held in people's hearts. so i'm done.

i'm just sorry i have to care so much about and hold so highly people that woudlnt' rememebr i was around if i didn't jump in their faces all the time.

officially missing you

the past few days have been really hectic... between writing my last final and saying goodbyes... just haven't really gotten a break. janna left on wednesday... alison, bee, and clara all gone on thursday... each one i meant to come on here and write about how great they all are and how much i'll miss them... but i did not have one spare moment. thursday nite was spent with sA girlies and jacq :) so incredibly fun haha we went to PAS to play hide and seek and had a sleepover in the lounge... i guess, over this past term we've drifted a little... but coming back, this clickage, this bond we all had never ever left.

and then today. wow. carson was like "wow... it's really depressing to see 10 girls cry at the same time" haha... one by one i just watched people i love SO much walk out the home that we had here. emzhei, dev, aneta, marilyn, chris, quyen. nothing will ever be the same again. all i wanted to do was shut it out or scream. but instead, i clenched my teeth and packed my life into boxes and bags.

i'm officially missing you.

the second goodbye

i miss t.m.g.

trying to... bestrong.begood.workhard.smilebig.holdtears.singalong.behere.runhard.trust.

breathe. already way enough crying.



p.s. "wow... WOW!" ewwwww! dooooon't check out my mommyyyyy! lol

so it's today.

and despite all my efforts to stop it from coming, it came. well did i expect any less? i guess not... oh but i hoped.

so here i sit with my swollen eyes and heavy head reflecting on the bits and pieces of last night that i have. really just trying to figure out which one came first and what exactly some of the whisperings meant.

while showering some of the memories rushed back on me like the steady flow of the water... guess i can kick myself all i want but it happened. it's so sad how jsut a couple drops can make you burst out every feeling you have... make you grab on so tightly even though you KNOW you should let go. impaired judgement really is only not letting you stop yourself from doing what you want to do but know you shouldn't do.

just a question though, what happens when our little "dysfunctional family" disappears? who the crap is gonna push my damp hair behind my ears and mop up my tears?

i'm sorry.

a refusal

i won't do it.
i won't say goodbye. i'd rather walk away. why should i have to take all this bloody heartache when it hurts you not even half as much? my heart on a platter.
no. gonna put my headphones on and eveyrthing will be blocked out.

(but i say this knowing full well...)

already had to say one goodbye last night. boy did i screw THAT goodbye up... i'm so useless. but ericman i will never ever EVER forget you. thankyou for late night chats, psych studying, hot chocolate, chocolate milk, cheese haha... for movies, for laughs, even for your crazy freaky laughs and scaring the crap out of me that time. thankyou for caring about our *family* ... for always trying to hold it together. caring about how we care about eachother. thanks for being such an incredible friend... brother... <3


thankyou
pink and blue... for taking care of me last nite... there are few constants lately, and you two are SELECT.
6 chicks... for keeping me in and lifting me up with your prayers. these friendships. tears can't tell how much they mean. it was good to be together again. :)


(4/5)

my heart in a milkshake

when i came back from studying tonight we had our very last floor meeting ever. ... it was really difficult just facing the reality of "the end" ... maeghan (my don) started crying and just... my heart broke as people began pulling pictures off the board... moments had that are becoming only memories.

earlier this week i was looking at some random person's pictures (procrastination at its best) and almost every single picture was of a bunch of people getting trashed and whatnot. and i thought to myself, wow. i HARDLY drank at all this year... hardly partied... which, to be honest, i thought first year would be a lot of partying... but it wasn't. and i thought "wow... did i waste my first year?"

but then tonight, laur and i went over to v1 and got milkshakes and came back and ended up talking away three hours... about trials, happiness, hopes... everything. about our pasts... highschool... about how that night after prom with jo kat dor and tiff..when we sat around talking away, sipping wine and five alive, being silly... how i realized THAT was how i wanted to remember highschool. REAL friends, not dicking off but REAL time with REAL people.

and tonight, i just realized how i want to remember first year, how i am GLAD that my time was not spent much on insane parties and drinking so much that you can't remmeber anything the next day... but i wanted to remember it as learning and growing from the things that God has taught me and continues to teach me, as songs of the week, movie nights, bedtime chatter with the roomie, sunglasses, puddle-splashing, tears that teach you things, laughing so hard your tummy hurts,
chocolate milkshakes just sharing yourself. real times, with real people that i know will always mean something to me. i breathe out a sigh of thankfulness and contentment.

i.l.u.(t.m.g.)

(2/5)

thank you God for crazy friends, beautiful weather, and *sunglasses*.
"you are the reflection in my sunglasses"*
me and the pink partner in crime on a beautiful... MONDAY??? *confused face*
hehe
(even during exam time... God can give you something to SMILE about)--click:

lately
"... just sitting away watching the days go by."

finals are upon us. and on finishing this race, running as hard as i can, i also feel like i'm just sitting here not able to enjoy the last moments i have much... this home that has been built... it's gonna disappear in 11 days. (or so)

i get so frustrated because i'm TRYING to "be here now" but being here is just studying for finals right now, it's looking outside at the beautiful weather and not really being a part of it. it's trying not to be a distraction. and i'm TRYING not to dwell on things i can't change but that's hard too because everywhere around me are elements of this "home" that i can not leave behind right now. pieces of my being that provoke tears, even just the shadows of the glass tunnel birds.

(1/5)

sometimes the stupid things you do teach you alot of things.

sometimes you jsut can't believe HOW stupid you were...

but afterward... it causes you to really reflect on a lot of things. i guess i'm taking comfort in knowing you can learn from your mistakes.

jmn, bee, kat, and emz--- thankyou, sorry, and love you forever.
i am blessed with the most amazing friends that i don't deserve.

gotta finish this race.... two weeks and OUT. wow... *bittersweet*.

on a side note: talked to an old friend from higschool today... we used to be like best friends way back when ... gr 9-10... remembering the laughs and the promises we made to eachother... pretty crazy. this girl is now still following her dreams. erin i'm proud :) check out her site and her tunessss : www.erincollins.com
kinda made me think about what tmg said about how you can drift so far but you never really stop caring. i think i'm slowly learning.

growing up. but INCHINGLY.

go listen to: Starfield - Can I Stay Here Forever
that's my current theme song.

mourning the last bestday tuesday ever.

and now the threads are unwravelling one by one until this blanket that was home falls at my feet as unrecognizable string.

getting cold and seeking understanding.

spring in waterloo <3

210 and 214 outside rev on this beeeeeeeeauteeeful day :) (kat, laura, janna, jasy)


"omg kat your butt is SO BIG!!!!!!" hahaha...


shadows :)


fish face!!


one two three


reflections in the door

*family*

got to spend the night out with "the family" tonight :) ... i love being with these three. seems like whenever we're together i always come home with a smile on my face. doesn't matter what we do, be it grocery shopping, watching movies, sitting around and bumming, wandering aimlessly around p-mall, EATing, splashing in puddles, whatever... it's still always crazy fun :)

i'm really going to miss these times.

"But there is not enough time, And there is no, no song I could sing, And there is no combination of words I could say, But I will still tell you one thing, We're better together." (jj)

{bubble tease-- bee and alison}{ewww black currant!-- jasy and eric}{foodies!}{dinosaur and eric}{ dinosaur and jasy}{dinosaur eating alison's head}{limbo under the ... thing!}{splashing in puddles of slush eeek!}{alison all wet! oops!}{shadow family}{eric's head is like a balloon haha}{eric eavesdropping on alison's phone conversation lol}

...Yeah, it's always better when we're together.

look
, it's

april

better yet, listen.