my last post of the year

i guess i dont' really know what to say.

but i can't believe the year's over so fast. but packed with such an incredibly heavy amount.
this year has been a lot of things. some bad, some good... but mostly,
a hell of a lot of growing up and learning. and blessing.

no resolutions this year. just to keep on riding. keep on running. keep on living. to "keep on keeping on".

peace out y'all! haha see you in the OH FOUR! :)

amidst the bustling aromas and chatter of dishes, the crinkle of tightly held bags and the five hundred heels hitting the tiles in rapid disarray and the adrenaline of the power shop, and the exclamations of excitement and embraces and the faces of so many, and the voices of the ones you love and the ones you missed and the smile that won't go away and the joy locked fast in your heart there is a

pause.

and there is a mourning.

there is always one of these.
because i know that these little chinese hors d'oeuvres of joy, these camera flashes of treasured memory, these smiles of love, this laughter of companionship, these beautiful red and green keepsakes will disappear so very quickly.
because this perfection will dissipate.
because i can't bear it.
because of my hope that this
pause
is something like a photograph
that can not be smudged
a drawing that can not be
erased.

that i could keep this feeling even when it isn't real anymore
something like that.

sunday:

- churchie :)
- wall's bday gathering-- TABOO and pizza :) mm
- pump tires with clara and andrew haha... black thingy lost and found
- bum around with clara
- turkey dindin at pt's YUMMO
- anotherrrr dinner (surprise) at jo's haha

fun day :)

had a boring day but a fun night chilling with clara nita ivan and andrew :) had dinner at bt (yummo) and shopped adn watched princess bride (love that movie)
so like now i'm definitely addicted to this GUY australian idol guy hehe especially the angel song and "my beautiful friend" some of it kind of reminds me of my term. he has a really nice voice.

you guys haven't changed at all :) what the heck was i all scared about?

guess who had like the best day ever :P :)

i was lucky enough (and my parents were nice enough to drive) to go up to tdot today and chill for the day :) ... honestly i dunno how long "wanting: a trip to toronto" has been on my "currently" or how long i've been complaining about missing everyone... but i finally got to go thanks to ina and my parents :) and see g, jeh, patty, ina, and unexpectedly minima, belly, maxima, and jonathan and christine :)
annnd i got to see dim sum get carted around (we dont' have that in loo) and buy cute stationary and chinese junk food (MSG cookies!!!!) mmmmm :) i also got a (what's it called again clara?) "steamed bun" pink string thingy for my new camera which i am superrrrr proud of :P :) and g was nice enuff to drive me back up to loo on her way to windsor so car riding was nice too haven't done that in a while ...

took lotsa pics-- thankyou bro2's dad for the batteries they worked!! :) and i got to take "night scene" pics hehehe :)

and then i get back to loo and go to auntie sarah's and who shows up ten minutes later but clara and anita!!! who i haven't seen in like SO long 1.5 years and 8 months!
and like wow. i just... even when we were talkign i was just like staring like it was SO surreal! so nice though :)

what a day !:) this is liek the BEST day. i just... AHHH i'm so happy cuz like i missed everyone so much and... i can't even form sentences i'm so happy :P

oh! and happy anniversary Auntie Maureen and Uncle Keith!! :)

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord." luke 2:10-11

*merry christmas*~

hehehehehehe :) crossing like FIVE things off my wishies list :)
WHEE
THANKYOU everyone!!! :)

church christmas celebration was tonight :)
i'd have to say this was one of the most joyous nights of this year :)
laughter, friends, family, food... it was all so bright. colourful memories :)
and at the end of it all walking out into the dark, crisp night to find snowflakes like sparkle-dust sprinkling out of the sky and glistening with the street lights. so beautiful so magical.

what could make this more perfect?... if i wake up tomorrow christmas morn and it's a white christmas :)

praise God. every happy moment like this... i just have to pause and thank Him for this opportunity to live.

post it notes - check!
a big hug and thankyou to waiki for postit notes hehehehee :) *muah*

went shopping in cambridge with my family today.. and we had BT before!! :) YUMMMO
i had my usual #102 and spring rolls soososososso good :) mmmmmmmmmmm

i don't often write about how great my family is. well now i am. i love my family. they are a freakin coolcat bunch of people.

scribblings of a weak spirit

that pull
the glinting crimson has on Eve
that even as her heart turns away
away
her eyes
unblinking
fingers long, hungry
and snatching
align with the black slither against the brown of the bark
and the sound of its smooth sibilance
drawing her into lustful inebriation.
crispness consumes and
tangy foam trickles off an oblivious chin
jagged pearls sinking into forbidden flesh
down to the core.
and then
oh and then,
the jar of waking realization, of panic,
the undoubted pain of fear and disappointment
wiping out all previous pleasures.
and how I must have wailed.

snowboarding with jo, kare, becca, jon, buffy, clarence, leona and audrey was super yesterday! :) thanks to buffy for showing me how!
even tho i sucked hahaha... but i managed to be able to stay up for like 5-10 sec without falling! wheeee! it was fun hanging out with becca and jon again who i haven't seen for SO long and fun meeting clarence, leona, and audrey!

manohman i think the funniest thing was goign around taking pictures with other people's things. i took a picture with an abandoned snowmobile and someone else's snowboard. :P

the drive back proved to be...errr.. interesting... an adventure! haha we got lost in collingwood. of course, i was no help considering i have no sense of directiona nd i can't read a map. :P when we finally got home we had golden mango tho so that was good :)

today i got a chance to chill with and bake cookies with jess :) we were both so hyper hehehe i liked our shapes :) good times :)

annnnnd....... i dont' have to go to school tomorrow! yippeee!!! :)

btw, linked up clarence's blog he has more pictures :)

winter hat-- check. i broke my GAP boycott today :P
went on our annual burlington shop, got a few presents but i'm not done :(

skiing/snowboarding tomorrow! ^_^ ... cept i have to get up in less than 4 hours. so i should probably sleep or something.

oh yeah, i forgot to mention-- saw Return of the Kings last nite and i just have to say that it was SOOOO GOOOOOD!!!! AHHHHHHH
i love aragorn :) but frodo annoys the CRAP out of me.

errr... so i'm applying to EIGHT universities..? O_o
haha

you know you're stupid when....

davis centre

i'm usually never at dc at this time of year... usually it's only during the end of january and the end of june that you'll find me plugging away behind one of the lit wooden carrells(sp?). But due to my course changes I've found myself with more catching up to do in terms of studying today than usual. just got a crapload of latin to do today which i'm hoping to mostly finish tonight.-- LOTR tomorrow!! haha...

ahhh well, a preview of what's to come i guess... maybe?
apps go in friday... *STRESS*
although i'd have to say, i'm liking school a hell of a lot better these days :) you can actually see me smiling in the halls :)

i am oh so sick :(
can't stop coughing, sneezing, sniffling :( booo. i don't want to be sick for the holidays!
at least i didn't get scarlet fever like meghan... i think that's scary cause in little women, beth dies from scarlet fever and in little house on the prarie mary goes blind from scarlet fever! :( piles and piles of kleenex also suck though :P

things are going really smoothly with course changes, i'm almost all caught up basically! :)

there was something i wanted to say but i forget. that's been happening alot lately. sorry this is so boring. my life is just so DULL right now. *sigh*

I LOVE THE O-C. aaaaaaaaaH!! sooo good! i'm sure i've said this at least 100 times on this blog but *AHHH* :) plus i love Touched by an angel, always makes me cry :(

"The world sees faces that are beautiful or ugly,
the world sees bodies that are strong or weak,
the world sees people who succeed or fail.
But God sees hearts. God sees the love in your soul.
He sees the beauty in your spirit. And that's the only thing that finally matters.
That's the only thing that lasts-- the person that you are, not the body you are in."
-Touched by an Angel

congrats to Di on your baptism!!! :)

btw, if anyone wants a copy of the video of today's service-- msg/call/email me and i can prolly burn you a copy hahaa :P ...

two things:

1. if you don't want to talk to me, i don't want to talk to you.
2. Saddam Hussein got captured today... but what are they going to do with him?

i really love waterloo right now.

check THIS out :

http://www.wingmusic.co.nz/listen.html

this is for REALS O_O

ONE WEEK!!!!!
six days til kurara's back and seven til eumie and nita are back !!! *^_^*
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

my rivalry with the AV lady
she always always watches me. eveyrone around me can be online gaming and she'll shut down my blogging. so yesterday she does this and i got so annoyed and i started typing in a notepad file so that i could take it and post it on my blog.

me: what the heck!!!! the guy on the computer next to me is GAMING and you shut off my HTML script!!!! [i was screwing with my template]
yeah OKAY.

so i turn it back on... and ... she shuts me down AGAIN!
so back to notepad i go...

me: and i repeat myself again.

suddenly, the curser moves down two lines and ALL ON IT'S own starts typing:

And I repeat myself. This is against school board policy!!!! Please read your AUP.

Needless to say i was deathly freaked out, and resisted all temptation to make some smartass comment back at her. :P i REALLY hope she doesn't know who i am in person!! :( so scary!! but i really do think it's unfair that she only watches me.

amnesia

remind me again
how to
relax,
smile with my teeth,
go crazy,
laugh and try hard to stop but
can't.
how do i
tell jokes
get excited
really excited for more than
just a minute to remember how not to
sigh loudly
rub the back of my neck and my temples
stare off into nowhere for hours
call and cry and complain at weird times

and then remember i have nothing to say because
i'm happy.
remind me again,
how to be
carefree.

questions answered

on monday morning i awoke from my two-three hours of sleep as nervous as i had been when i'd hit the pillow the night before. i'd spent most of the night freaking out and praying and reading scripture, scared that what i thought was God's will wasn't. and asking God to close the doors if it really wasn't His will and it was just some self motivated idea. But God opened the doors wide and the transition from sciences to arts went really smoothly! the teachers were open and supportive, the courses fit into my timetable, and i was able to get it switched THAT day :)

It's crazy cuz now i know it must be God's will for sure. even more sure than before this happened. i just think it was something really cool to have to trust Him... even though i knew what i wanted. i guess i was most afraid that even though i THOUGHT it was God's will, that it wouldn't be. but i think it was a learning experience to ask for the doors to close... to ask for Him to do it His way and not mine.

this term has been ... insane. beyond insane. this one day i asked g "why?? why is perseverance so important??!" and now i think i know. because if i hadn't persevered i would never have experienced this, i would never have gotten this contentment in being happy with what i was doing, and in knowing God's will. because if i hadn't HAD to persevere to get here, i would have taken it for granted. i wouldn't have placed this in His hands, and i wouldn't have known what a difference this is from where i was before.

For me... with perseverance came the ability to tell of God's grace, and the understanding that i DO need ot draw my strength from Him, and i DO need to trust not only His provision, but also His TIMING.

I praise God not only for my newly aquired happiness, but also for the lessons learned through the hardships throughout this term, the knowing of amazing people who support me, and the deepening of my relationship with Him.

praise God!!

"With man this is impossible,
but with GOD all things are possible."
Matt 19:26

You are now looking at THE one and only new and improved-- arts and business major -- Jasmine Choi. :) heeeeee!

it was all worth it. having to be patient is worth it.
God is undoubtedly always watching over me.

Thanks for all the prayers! *hugs*! i gotta go study for my calc test-- will blog more about what happened later :P

bahH!! i can't sleep without my moocow!!!!

=======

i'm scared.
so scared. so so so so so scared. mad prayer needed.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Prov. 3:5-6

decisions

A need for decisions has come with a realization that where I am now is not where I am supposed to be, or rather, this is not the path I am supposed to be taking. This term has been a jostling ride full of confusion, hurt, and questions of life. This is a journey I believe I was meant to take, in that whatever trials life throws at you, God will use the circumstances in order that your character be molded, and your experiences be a testimony of His goodness. However, through prayer, and ways I believe God has spoken to me, and even just by the simple parable of the talents, I think He is showing me another way. A way in which I can serve Him better with the gifts He's given me.

That being said, I can not say i know exactly where I'm being led, or what exactly will happen. But i do know this- that God wants me to be happy, God wants me to use what He's given me, and that God will provide for me.

In the end I can only just pray. Stay on my knees and pray for guidance, strength, and the support, TRUE support, of the people I love. Your prayer would be greatly appreciated too. Thanks. :)

thankyou

for your care today and,
even though our eyes have barely touched,
our beings barely connected, you
reached out your hand.

for wanting to know me, or
at least seeming to,
for punching out the numbers and
giving me your voice, listening to my sighs, and
allowing me to say stupid, immature things means more

than you can know tonight.

becuase it's hard you know,
to draw my strength from Him, to
think logically and
walk a straight line, and to learn.
He has to shout so loud
in order to get my attention, and maybe
you're right. maybe He's tryign to say something
with this too. i just find it so difficult to grow up because... well... i'm not really sure why actually. change takes so much heart and soul and tears and blood. when God is saying so many things to you all at once. it's hard to know what to do first and when you fail repeatedly to change to be
better. well... i guess i don't have the patience i KNOW i don't have the patience to ...
anyhow, i will learn. i hope.

just wanted to say thankyou.

i just

miss you so much right now
and even though
you can't hear me
is there
a chance
that
maybe
we're both looking at the same patch
of sky right now

wonder if in some subconcious surreal way
we actually
are
connected. heart to
heart.

wish that things had been
different.

want you to be the one who sees the cream
in the sea of white.

hate reality.

so i'm pretty sure i love my relatives :D they sent over allllll this stuff! i got an mp3 player, lots and lots of tops-- ABERCROMBIE :D and a tare panda graduating dolly haha (even tho that is sort of depressing) whee :)

i drove into the curb today O_o

a christmas makeover :P :)

uhhhhhhhhhhhh did he just ask me out?!
nnnnnnnno.

so it's finally december. :)
24 days til christmas :) wheeeeeeeeeeeee
starting a count down box on the side :P
new "do" for this place tomorrow, expect snow :)

something

it's a gentle
coolness
not blowing
nor wafting
but simply
floating from the right touching
the bridge of my nose (the right side)
the place right above my eyelashes (the right ones)
around my ear and
in (but still, just from the right)
the funny thing
it doesn't even rustle my hair
but it's there
and realer than anything else
my senses or my heart allow.

sorry-- allyssa is actually spelt A-L-Y-S-S-A :P
alyssa. you are very special. hahaha :P

happy beeelated mikeymike :)

had a good day today.. taught sunday school again. my older class.. and yeah it was really fun hanging out with the girls (cuz it was all girls today)..
we had a lot of interesting conversations goign .. kinda all at once... i learn a lot every time i talk to these people.

some things made me think though... for example even though we had perfectly normal conversations and stuff like that... when they disagreed with eachother they would look to me to see who was right..
and for another example last week i had my pencil case there and they were going through it and i have this eraser from like grade seven that says "yes" on one side and "no" on the other and last week they were asking it questions and flipping it :P (no i don't do that anymore)
and yujie's like "hey! i wrote yes no on my eraser! and everyone at school is fighting over it now!" and stuff..
okay. i don't know what i'm trying to say. just that... it seems like they want to do what i do. and they seem to think i know things.. and i feel this... overwhelming sense of responsibility.. even though these people are normal friends to me... but at the same time... they aren't. because it seems to matter what i do. i don't know how to explain. but it's just kind of scary. id ont' know....

whatev haha.. we might have a christmas party yay funfun:)

concept

was really good! ... most of it anyways...
so sad... i wish i hadn't quit.. *sigh*
lol but my name is still on the program and the tshirt! wheee :)

kudos to erin, esther, robyn, henry, justin, nate, amalia, brandon, allyssa, rob, jase, tams, lara, annndd all the other people i am forgetting :P you guys were awesome :)

we got there so late tonite-- 7:25 the show starts at 7:30 cuz we were at mikey's and all of a sudden this HUGE rush came and kat couldn't leave it was so crazy. we had planned to get there by 7:00.. anyways okay yeah we were kinda bleh... cuz ya it's a drag and this happens kind of often.. but something was cool to see.

In the spirit of getting there as quickly as possible, and helping out a friend :P the three of us (jo dora and i) got behind that counter and took over the til (that would be jo), washing trays and wiping tables and taking out orders... and as i was stacking trays and wondering if we were gonna miss the first act a really nice feeling filled me as a realized, as much as we sometimes are bratty princesses... we really are there for eachother. :) i'm so blessed to have friends like that. :) and we did it with VERY little complaining. i dunno. just made me happy. yay kreazeless :) LUCKILY, lara saved us seats :) so we sat right near the front anyways and heather came! (my friend from grade six hehe)

so now i'm gonna go dl concept songs and make a cd! :D

happy birthday superman aka jeremy :)

when i woke up

Sometimes you don't mean to seem like you're trying to get attention but you seem like it anyways. even if you only tell one person. because you've got to get it out. even if it's completely immature and you know it.
but it's still true.
And you feel bad because you wanted to be... bigger.

And you wonder if someone can or will stop loving you because the reason they did, maybe doesn't exist anymore.

woke up repeating "trust God" over and over adn over and over.
and you know what? He's trustworthy :) thanks :)

by word of mouth

yesterday... my best friends and i found out about one of our "used to be" good friends saying some crap abotu us to someone about how she actually really doens't like us. apparently she hates me. some stuff fell into place hearing tghat... some stuff i was confused abotu why she did things like she did last year.
and i think back to before.. when we used to laugh our heads off ALL the time at everythng, tell eachother everything, sing, scope, skip, sit.
because its hard to believe someone would just make up something like that. especially when they have the exact words of what you said.

but i decided to ask you abotu it anyways. because i wanted to give you a chance to explain. because as much as i hurt as much as i hated you i wanted you to prove them wrong.
and you denied it. and you said it wasn't true... and you said some pretty convincing things. but i don't know.
becuase it doens't make sense to me why someone would jsut make it all up.

and now,
i dont' know what to believe.
all i know is that it hurts. and that one of my friends is lying to me. to all four of us.
and i don't know what to say or do.

i'm not trying to make a pattern with this poetry thing...
but i guess some news kinda slapped me in the face today...hurt me... and i just had to freak out somehow... so scribbled this down and felt a bit better.

amie faux

i've been confused
disillusioned
taken for the
fool. correctly so, how
could i look
at the velvet stripper
and see the virgin Mary
how did your lies
poison my wine and
i didn't taste it
how
did i allow your smiles
your gifts
to intoxicate me
senseless
forgetting betrayals of
yesterday's night
and now,
left cold,
hung over.

happy birthday squiffyy!!!! :D welcome to 17 land hahaha

cliche

are you there?
are you thinking of me
as you get on your armour, on your stallion
white
i always wondered how the prince knows the princess is
locked in the tower
and how
he knows she's the one he's supposed to save
because there are so many.
i thought i found you but
i couldn't see past his thick steel helmet
and when he didn't look at me the way i looked
at you,
i realized that it was because he was looking at a different damsel
climbing a different tower the whole time.
sometimes
i wonder if you'll ever find me
seeing as we've never met.
if you'll recognize my cream coloured hankerchief
(breathing in the wind and
screaming silently)
amongst the sea of white (which you can see when you stand on a very tall hill).
anyways
i dont' need you to save me
that's all too dark ages for me really
i'll just slide down a vine or
jump.
but please,
if you see,
if you're sure,

catch me.

wowed

i taught mandarin sunday school for the first time today... well... in english :P ...
i was frustrated last night while i was prepping because i just looked at the material and felt so helpless. it was about trust. about trusting God with everything and giving up every inch of your life to Him. and the passage was taken from Gen. 22... the passage about God asking Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. and i was just like "HOW! how can i possibly teach this... i can't even begin to say that i can do it."

but it went beautifully today. i guess i was able to share about my experiences with how its really difficult to trust God when all this stuff is going wrong in your life... and it ws cool cuz they actually were talking alot and i had a few girls be like right away at the beginning before i even said anything about how they find it really difficult to trust God because they'll pray about something and it seems like He doesn't answer they're prayers or doesn't answer for a really long time.. and we got to talking about prayer and "why doesn't God do miracles anymore?" and just sharing a lot about our experiences. and i felt really blessed to be able to relate to them spiritually and to hear about their spiritual lives and struggles. there was this one guy Chen who i'd have to say i think is amazingly cool and the most biblically knowledgable fifth grader i have ever met. he could like pull scripture out of his head and he told me he reads a chapter everyday... currently he's reading acts and thinking alot about repentence. he reads the King James Version. i really admire him and his desire to know God better. he realllllyyyy wants to learn. its really cool. and also there were a couple people in my class who said they weren't really Christians because they sometimes weren't sure if they really believed God existed because He seems not to answer their prayers and stuff...and there's a guy Leo who just immigrated here from China like on Halloween... and he totally doens't know who God is at all. and he doens't understand a word i say either hahaha... but i got yujie shuxin ev connie and chen to talk to him about it in mandarin and like chen grabs the bible flips quickly to a page and puts his finger on this passage and starts reading it and states so matter-of-factly "basically, that's who God is." but it was in english O_o but wowowowowoww.
i just i'm overflowing with this really blessed feeling of being able to share in these people's lives, especially spiritually. i only pray that God can really use me despite all my weaknesses.

after we finished i was talking a bit to Leo... haha "talking" laughing was more like it and saying like the few mandarin phrases that i knew. i duno. i think i just felt SO bad that i couldn't talk to him and stuff. stupid stupid. why do i have to be cantonese speaking? =P eumie come back and teach me!!!!!!!!!!
but it seemed like he was happy and he waved to me when i left so that was nice :)

God is so good.

stop
STOP
profanities streaming
relentlessly into my head
music screaming
bass blaring
like veins clenched in my neck
pulsing
no.
that's not the ceasing i desire.
its something
else.
give it up
i wish
i was the only one.
only only only
lips quiver a prison
the prisoners eating me inside
out.
dirt at my mouth hate at my eye balls pain at my chest
fear at my stomach the run in my ankles
i only wish it would eat faster.
cause there isn't much more, much longer
six times the sun
rises the worry more intense
at my sides and soon
to be consumed
from the outside
in.

annoyed.

-stupid mean librarian is walking around peeking over shoulders again. i don't know her name but i'm making a connection between her and this science teacher people had in grade nine that was racist. i think its the same woman. but i'm not sure.

-i left my cover up at home and my mom wouldn't go back for me to get it. ughughguhgugh. nowi'm gonna look poopie all day.

-so today in the car my mom tells me AS we pull into jo's driveway that daniel and kadin are coming home with irina after school. i'm just like "uhh well i won't be there." and she's like "why not?" and i'm like "i'm going to see adrian" and she's like "why do you have to go see him today???" why NOT!!! if you didn't freakin tell me the morning OF i might not have made plans! my goodness! dont' get pissed off at me because you told me something last minute! grrrr~~

- the library is FULL of noisy juniors. the one closest to me is counting to ten over and over and over again. O_o somebody kill me now.

kay so i'm pretty sure i feel SO refreshed right now
*ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh* --_--
i just took like a half an hour shower... i got my YM last week (and oh yeah did i mention the O-C is on the cover?!?! ^_^) and like in the ever so practical section of things to do in the winter is this thing about dry hair.
i don't have dry hair ... but after i got my hilights i've been feeling like my hair is about to dry out... on the VERGE. it just doesn't seem as securely moist! i dont' know why.
so in my YM there's this thing about how to not let your hair get dry in the winter-- "lather your conditioner over your damp hair and then blow dry for a minute" supposedly this opens up some things in your hair that lets all the conditioner particles and vitamins in and "un dry's" your hair. WHEE :D so i'm happy becuase i am not scared about my hair drying out anymore :) i need to redo my hilights soon too... they're growing out :(

so yah. i took a HOT shower and then i used this exfoliating stuff i borrowed from tiff.. its this face wash with little tiny microbeads that you rub on your face and all the yucky stuff and dead skin falls off and it leaves you feeling uber smooth :) SO GOOD!

i'm debating on whether or not to save the self heating facial mask for tommorow morning :P haha i dont' know what's wrong with me. i wanna go to a spa.

i don't really have anything ot write today.

does that mean that my life is becoming less dramatic?

for a day.
just for today.

so yah if anyone saw that minishouts thing its just something i was doing during a spare data period ... didn't get to finisha nd i think its dumb anyways i can't remember all these people. so i deleted it

this has been *such* a lovely day so far :D
yesterdays thing is resolved
and today has been great :)
timbits and not much work :D
and driving
i just went driving...
i can parallel park! whee!

"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. " Psalm 4:4

for the past few weeks all i could *really* feel was hurt. hurt because of this, sadness because of that. i mean, even if i said i was mad, i wasn't i was just hurt.
but today, and yesterday probably... there was an anger inside of me that i haven't felt for what seems like a while. this emotion that tugs at my stomach and my eyelids instead of my heart. where for a moment i dont' care whether the person whom my anger is directed to lives or dies. all i care about is how i refuse to take anymore of their crap. or be hurt by them any longer. and for a moment i don't want to do things to myself to make it stop, but i want to do things to them to make it stop. well not really "do" things... but just somehow make them feel as bad as i have been feeling.

i know this is a really selfish emotion. and i know that this is not something that God wants. but it's just so hard. and i know its not supposed to be easy... but...
i dunno. i need to breathe. pray. wipe out the vengeance that begs so convincingly. let the silent tears flow and stop feeling like a child who craves to be held.

unsure
sometimes i get
confused
like now
and i wonder why the world
is so
inverted.
but really,
its me that's upside down.
and all the kicking and screaming won't change that.

i saw this song on jo's aa and downloaded it... i don't know why... cuz i used to really hate this song. it was so overplayed. but i guess i never paid attention to the words and when i read them on her aa it made me wonder if anyone hoped these things for me.. and... i dunno. i'm hooked on this song and i can't explain it. i'd have to say my favourite part is the second verse:
"hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"

I Hope You Dance: Leanne Womack(sp?)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted,
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed,
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I hope you dance....I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin',
Lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin',
Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

[chorus]
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance.

mac n cheese, nemo, and jay chou

was at tiff's for her early birthday gathering today ^_^ :) happy early bday squiff! ^_^
was really great to eat. omg i stuffed myself sooo much. i'm so sure that all my whatever diet efforts have been wiped out from this one meal alone :P
was great to chill with everyone too :) lots and lots of laughs hehe :) watched finding nemo again and sang kareoke!!! =d :D jay chou is uglier than edison but HOTTER :P BLAH! haha... good times =)

this past week has been a real reflection on life.
i developed a list. list of stuff i want to do before i die.. or rather ... accomplish in my lifetime. it's just started but it's linked on the sidebox under "and all that jazz" as "the list"...check it out :P

had lunch with patty, gladys, jo, and kat today at golden mango :) was nice to chat and eat ... yummo i had something different than what i always get heee and it was yummy too! an example of good change :P

"family dinner" tonight at "suk poh and suk gung's" aka-- tiff's grandparents. it's interesting cuz we were talkign abotu how we actually feel related now... except not to eachother. because.. we've just been friends for too long to feel like that. at most cousins. it's cool though. to see how our families have gotten closer through this distant relation thing. i feel really blessed to have been able to get to know these people better. to feel like i have extended family nearby. cuz all my "other" relatives life in hk.

"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
Matt 5:29 ohhhhh... but i can't let go of you.

lifesong
wow.
what a much needed refresher. thought provoker.
kudos to my buddy dave for sharing!
... something he said really stuck out to me. "i saw [the Christians at fellowship] and saw how they seemed to handle everything. they knew that no matter what happened, no matter how bad it was, that it was all part of a big plan that God has for their lives and that eventually it would all be to their benifit."
God help me remember. help me always draw my strength from You.

btw-- WHO'S idea was it to throw my cow across the stage??!?! ... =P MEEEEANN!!!
but haha it was kind of funny afterward thinking about my reaction. dave like threw him and i was like *GASP* and sat there open mouthed for like 15 seconds... alex was laughing his head off.

it was a good time of socializing after lifesong last night... got to talk to a bunch of people i haven't talked to in a long while... got to meet a few new faces... and got to spend time with jo tiff alex and... HEIDI! up from western :) lol we stood out in the cold for like an hour cuz every single place in the plaza was closed or full :P so funny tho...

conversation
as i was talking to a last night something he said really hit me. he said something to the effect of "i was thinking about how God loves us so much... every single one of us so unimaginably... and he *knows* that alot of people are going to put him as their second choice or not love him back at all and that hurts him... but he still loves everyone that much. His love is so unconditional.. and i just want to get there. i want to be able to love my friends with all of my heart even if i know they dont' love me back or make me their second choice.."
something else i'd like to be able to do.
keep working on setting my expectations aside.
keep trying to be more Christ-like.
keep loving, harbouring no bitterness.
a you always challenge me. thanks. :)

gonna go have lunch now... BAI!

finally friday

friday finally.
i was so afraid that when i woke up all the pretty snow would be melted but it's still here! :) i wanna go buy some mittens and a hat after school maybe. the only thingi dont' likeabout this weather change is that my skin is reacting poorly to it :(

winter wonderland

so yesterday it was pouring rain.
and today i get up and i'm freezing cold, i grew a zit, and my lips are completely chapped.
so i look out the window and ... it's blizzarding!!!!!!!!!! ^.^
yayYYY! (sorry to all snowhaters) but omg do you knwo what this means???
SNOWMEN! SNOWANGELS!.... and above alll SKKKIIIII TRRIIIPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm soooooo dibbly excited about this ski trip see. :P i'll hopefully get to learn how to snowboard as well ^_^ and live a winter collingwood experience ! heeeeeeeeeeee
loook look look!
but the bad side of things is... even though it's blizzarding out-- school is still on.
WHY!? i mean, the lights are flickering. since i've been in the library the power has gone off and back on. and the STREET LIGHTS aren't working!
do they WANT us to die? apparently so. even if it *wasn't* snowing and the street lights weren't working i'd think they might cancel school-- but a blizzard + no street lights?
that to me, is unquestionable.

i actually got my butt to iscf today! :) ... late. but i went :P :)
was good times :) nice prayer and fellowship :)
a good way to start a day that shouldn't be starting. :P

in light of the new white christmas weather, i think i'm gonna make a wish list. :D

what was different

i got up and i didn't pause by the top kitchen cabinet.
and i didn't rush by avoidingly either.
i just forgot.
and i got to school, and took a breath in.
as i sat in my physics chair and katelyn commented about how the people in front of us smelled like bad b.o.
and they did.
but i didn't care.
and breathing in made me smile.
and maybe grimace a little.
but i smiled in my head.
and i looked up a bit and said a little thankyou.
and i closed my eyes and looked back a few days and i said a little thankyou.

thankyou.

happy birthday joseph and liz! :)

In flanders fields the poppies blow, between the crosses row on row, that mark our place, and it the sky, the larks, still bravely singing fly, scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the dead, short days ago, we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow. Loved, and were loved, and now we lie in flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe, to you from failing hands we throw, the torch be yours to hold it high, if ye break faith with us who die, we shall not sleep though poppies grow in flanders fields.

rememberance day.
i think it's really important to remember what happened before. the lives that were given and taken for what we have today. so that we don't take for granted the peace we are so blessed to live in today.

oh and lookat the picture above- if there was any doubt that the inside of the poppy is actually black-- let it be clarified. :P i like the poppies with the black inside better than the ones with green inside. i mean, for one thing it's actually accurate. secondly, it doesn't look so "happy" or "christmassy". and also, the green is ugly :P

we had a remembrance day assembly today at school... i thought it was pretty well done... i'd have to say that Justin and wallace and alex and the rest of the orchestra's Schindler's list piece had me moved almost to tears... full body goosebumps at least as is usually the case when i hear Justin play violin... or see him play. *AH!* sooo good! i love watching him play because he always looks like he's totally engulfed in the music, unaware of anything or anyone else around him. that was definitely my favourite part of the assembly. ahhhhh!!!! and wallace's quartet was really good too!! although i guess i didn't specifically like the piece as much as the schindler's list.. but it was still so good! so together!! (wall, liz, justin, and daryl) wowowowoww. i like orchestra now. i think maybe i'll go to TWO symphonies in my lifetime :D .. hahhaa... or more as long as either wall or justin plays in them.
and ROB!!! i didn't even know my buddy rob had that kinda talent- i can't believe he WROTE that song he sang! plus the violin and piano parts too-- ppl this wasn't like a sissy song it was a NICE song. not cheesy or anything either.

it's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe it it's finally over-- this crazy hell week is over... this week will die down from here... and the weekend will be a blast :) AND i'm gonna get a full 8 hours of sleep tonite :Dwheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... no more bags under the eyes!
a BIG thankyou and xoxoxo to g, jo, mike, patty, jeh, adrian, pearl, bro,and jon.
without you, well... this week would have been much much much worse. esp g and jo. and ESPECIALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY GOD!!!! :P :) for all the answered prayers, for the love, for the comfort, for lessons learned. please help me trust You more, love You more. thankyou and much love.

things i'm looking forward to
- wed nite O-C!!!!!!!!!!!!! *AHHHHHHHHHHH*
- thurs nite-- sunday school teacher training thingy
-fri nite-- lifesong, plus see patty and heidi and g!
-sat-- breakfast? and operation christmas child
-sun-- tiff's bday thing!!!
-CHRISTMAS! -- i had this down under my "currently" thing a few weeks ago as what i was looking forward to... and i was thinking it was really far away but reallyy-- it's NOT! i mean, we're already mid nov! that means only a montha nd a bit left!!

it's over. "hell day" is over!!!! *cheer*!
i have BAGS under my eyes-- ew! and i am gonna miss the o-c tonite cuz i have to do so much crap O_o
after tommorow-- i will do NOTHING. i will sleep for 13 hours. i will bask in the finale of it all....
and then i will get up again. because i have a chem quiz and an english assignment to do. *sigh*

i quit concept today. i can't believe it. it was something i really wanted to do in my last year. but i had to quit becaus ei jsut don't have the time to be staying after school until 5 or 6 everyday. just can't. so i guess i'm gonna be sitting in the crowd again this year-- at least i was "in it" most of the way through so i can maybe still write it down in my resume. :P and there's always rugby and multi for that i guess... and robyn wasn't pissed off or anything.
ARGH. it's so frustrating though!!! yet another thing i fail in, *another* thing i can not handle.

the weekend is only 4 days away. -_-

happy belated bday caleb!!!
added Ina to my links-- lol someone i don't know lol but is a super cool chickie knowledgable about interesting things such as "clicking" hehe :) if you were to lock me up in a room with this girl, i think we'd have a lot to talk about. plus we have a bunch of mutual friends :)

things that tugged my heart strings and made me smile today:
waking up to a 14k email, love, worship, abercrombie!! (thanks jeh), jerky (thanks adrian), "hold my hand... TAKE IT!" hahahahahaha....

my new favourite from the "canadian tire" album. :P (haha)
this song says... everything.

Oh Lord Your Love - Caedmon's Call

Oh Lord i give You all i have,
but it seems so little,
when You have given me so much.
I come to You with empty hands,
and a heart that's fragile,
You come to me with wealth of Love.

Oh Lord Your love,
is new with every morning,
Your faithfulness,
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that i am weary,
Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is light.

And i will sing You songs of praise,
but Your greatness is beyond me,
i know i cannot comprehend
how You ancient of days,
stoop Yourself to call me,
to be Your son,
to be Your friend.

[chorus]

i was cleaning my room and went through some baptismal cards... actually thinking about my baptism a lot last night... thinking about what i knew then and how sure i was that God would sustain me through everything. and how i need to get back there. back in His arms where He holds me so tight i can't possibly fall. i need to regain that passion. anyways this one card- from someone who has been one of the most supportive people in my life- said this:

"Do not lose sight of the joy of the Lord, and remember, his timing is perfect. Our only job is to trust in Him."

*how* perfect it is... i think i only understand now.

went to the uw open house today... thinking kin is actually prolly more suited to me than health sciences... but we'll see.

had brunch with g at angie's mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm :) yummo breakfast =)

and studying.

"He restores my soul and guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and staff they comfort me."

i know i said i wsn't gonna post til fri nite..
but it's gonna be short :P
happy bday to will and eunie! :)
yo will eighteen guy!!! :) sicksicksick :)

speaking of sick. i was sick at home with a tummy ache today.

and i have decided to forget. from now on. my life is a life of disregard and forgetting. we'll see how i like it.

things.

after i write this blog, i will close this window, shut down my icq, and turn off my computer until friday night.
and from there i will bury my head into my books and fill my head with the knowledge that needs to be there.
i had a good day. i got to have lunch with deb (happy birthday! :) ) and it was really nice to chat.
i've had what i consider to be a rough month. where my perseverance has been challenged and my limit has been pushed. i've fallen again and again. indulging in temptations that if you only knew you would view me so differently than maybe how you view me now. and i have been ashamed. and hurt.
and i have struggled to trust God and give it all up to Him.
"Faith without deeds is dead." has my faith been dead?
i know that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
but i have fallen.
do you know how scary it is? to do things you know are so incredibly wrong and detestable in the eyes of the Lord? even in the eyes of man.
and in other areas of your life, trying to do things that are right. but having things fall apart anyways until you wonder-- what's the point?
and i have done nothing but complain and fall into sadness.
somebody said to me last night "YOU're the only one who thinks you can't do it! it's becuase you dont' even try!" and i wanted to say "YES I DO!" but really--- i don't.
not as hard as i can anyways. i need to get my butt back in gear.
i need to stop
whining
sighing
freaking
complaining.
and remember how blessed i really am.
i need to know that others care but not expect it.
and i need not to need them to care.
i STILL need to work on no expectations.
and humility.
i need to "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,"
i need to be true to God and to myself.
i need to try harder.
and right now
i need to focus.

please pray for me. thanks.

erased
because it wasn't about you.

coke can

i am just like that
coke can.
that was sent falling from my arms as i ran to the door.
too much
rocking
sloshing
jerking
seething
too much.
and that one little drop. thud.
made me cascade into violent spins
dizzy releasing tears and stains over the walls
over the floor.
twisting and turning until finally
stopping.
broken.
when will i stop?

a big thankyou to waiki and lex. i owe any bit of goodness in this day to you.

PINK!
hahaha
a new happier less scary "interface" :P
i tried to insert this code where when you click the mouse confetti pops up but it didn't work... so here it is. :P

i wish i was erica.
then maybe i could hit the notes!!!! >_<
*gr*

happy birthday adrian!!! :)

and happy halloween! :)

praylude organized the kids section of the family nite at kwcac this year so that's where i was for halloween :) lol was fun :) and got a lot of cute pics of the kids and stuff :) --well on jo's cam :). and joseph's too i think?
i had costume block this year. so horrible. i ended up goign as a princess/queen. so cliche. *sigh* but--- i got to wear my gr. 10 formal dress haha! so that was fun :P :)
i like that dress. lol i've only worn it one other time--gr. 10 formal-- it still has the pizza grease dot on it (remember clara, jo, kat, dora, and nita? lol) anyways i'm not going ot talk about my costume flop anymore.. but i'll post a pics up tommorow if i can get my hands on some... :P

dora came over after and we went insane and took like 50 webcam shots...
haha it was nice to laugh . talk. chill. everything.

bah! i ate so much today!!! starch and carbs and all that jazz... lol
actually i didn't eat much == but what i did eat was basically junk :P
well whatev. back on the "anorexic diet" tommorow :P
(- 3.5 lbs and counting)

hahaha so definitely adrian is my favourite person of all time now lol
because he gave me JUU YUK GON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D (pork jerky)

SO good!!! --- ANNND i can actually eat it!!! muahahhhaha no starch ^_^

another day.
but i feel awake
because
i talked to God last night
really
talked to God
and so
i know
He's got everything under control.

is it true?

i slept in through iscf (interschool Christian fellowship) again today.
tired from lack of blood. tired from the sleep that drags you down in the mornings.
i guess it's the one day of the week that my sleeping in doesn't affect a car pool much... and it is always nice to sleep in since i have the first period of every morning off but i never get to anyways. but while my mom was driving me to school she commented:

"why dont'; you ever go to iscf anymore?"

"i dunno i can't get up"

"well it seems weird that you go to the events at night but you dont' go in the mornings... like you're unwilling to suffer for Christ."

is it true? i never thought of it in that context. i don'tthink about whether or not i am suffering for Christ when i shove my face into my pillow in the morning. i just think about how tired i am. i suppose that if i as a Christian am unwilling to get up a bit earlier to fellowship and to pray... then why should those who are non Christian see the value in doing so? and it is good. it's relaly great to start the day off with that... but oh the joys of sleep! but i'm reminded of something deb said last night about how we are so priveledged in this country to be able to pray and meet together openly and freely. and how we really shouldn't take it for granted. i guess if we're lucky enough to have it we shoudl use it. i don't think i am unwilling to suffer for Christ if i sleep in ... but i think i will make an effort to drag my butt out of bednext week.

five things that made me smile today:

- i got 8/10 on my biology quiz.
- dc talked to me
- i realized that i get half the day off on wednesday
- i realized that the O-C is on tonight
- pictures in my locker.

it's strange.
sometimes you can be sitting right next to someone but missing them crazily much.
because it's hard to do the right thing. and then when you think you did, you lose something you value so much. and it's hard to gain it back. because sometimes they hold it out in front of you so mockingly that you think you have it back for a second but you really dont' because it's all fake. and also sometimes you think someone is saying one thing but they're really saying something totally different. because you're not good enough. never good enough. and whatever they do whatever he does whatever she does- it's all skin deep. like a cut. little cuts everywhere. cuts shaped like the candy you can't get in waterloo, cuts shaped like laughter and condoms. all over.
you just can't see them.

woohoo! my team (kat tiff victoria pauline alice elaine and i) won for iron chef hahha :) yayyyyyyyy yay for no skillz and still winning :) hehe

congrats to vic for being in the paper and to justin for winning provincials for violin!! wow. justin is the best violinist in all of ontario.. coolio

stupid door

my stupid door won't shut without being slammed. the notch won't click into place.
like doors in life that just refuse to shut. and even when i slam them, come unclicked.
bouncing back to hit me in the face.

had a pretty eventful day :) it was nice to be up and about :) although my feet hurt alot from standing in my boots too long and it was cccold! *shiver*
but i had a good day nonetheless :)
went to a bunch of postconvocation picture sessions hehe :)
congrats to g, patty, jackson, and steve!!!! :)
also got a chance to chill with a bunch of pplz at cameron for dim sum :)
it was fun to hang out :) waiki makes me laff :)
and it was dibbly nice to see g, jeh, and patty... missed them alot...

after that jo and i headed over to pt's for iron chef nite hehe :) twas fun !!!! lol although our cooking skills had something to be desired i think my group (tiff, kat, victoria, pauline, elaine, and alice) did a really good job hehe :) our dishes had a movie theme >> American Pie (apple crisp lol), scary noodles, and Once upon a Time in Mexico lol (nachos) .... i dont' actually know who won but whatever :) it was a really good time chilling with ppl and eating *grin*

OH! and i finally gave blood yesterday!!! *wheee* :)

i'm having one of those mornings
in which my heart misses people so
writhingly. This is because i would like nothing more than to curl up on a big comfy sofa surrounded by you ande your love
and to cry.
and to have you tell me that it's all going to be okay.
plenty of fish in the sea.
don't worry.
or to take a walk in the rain
with a dog
or to sit inside a coffee shop and drown my sorrows with iced cappucinos
or it doesn't even have to be a coffee shop.
it coulgd be swiss chalet.
that's good too.
or maybe tcby. or in a room where we reminince on our past. past loves. bitter about how he has forgotten but delighted in his healing. "My heart may never mend
And you’ll never get to love me again" but "i will maeke it through the rain." hoorah! he'll make it through the rain... and for a moment everything else is forgotten save that joy.
or perhaps to dance in a mist of Ralph lightheaarted and lightheaded.
or stuff inhumanly large piecces of sushi into my mouth and laugh incontrollably.
but it's not the same without you.

but what i want more than anything else is not so extravagant as all that.
i just want a hug.
to be enveloped in safety and in love. so tight that my heart can't possibly fall to pieces
like it's doing slowly
i miss
you.

*btw, the spelling errors are intentional.

cure for boredom : random strange facts.

- In the theme song from "The Flintstones" the line after "Let's ride with the family down the street" is "Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet."

-Chewing gum while cutting onions will prevent crying

-In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes when you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase, "Goodnight, sleep tight."

-WHO IS THE MOST MARRIED PERSON IN HISTORY?

Mongkut of Siam - the king in The King and I - had 9,000 wives and concubines. Solomon, by contrast, had only 700.

ANYWAYS... gonna go read Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya sisterhood :P

tommorow is the grade 10 literacy test =) which meanss.... i dont' have to go to class til 11~!!! :D
and on thursday i dont have to go til one! :)
maybe it'll relieve some stress-- MANn... i am breaking out. and also i got a cold sore.
so gross. :(

i don't have anything to write.

i'm so sickened. my blog is turning into an event log. today i did this, today i did this.
have i no passion anymore? don't i get angry? scared? consumed?
actually i do... but maybe my outbursts have not been so dramatic. or maybe i've been getting too lazy to type out every detail of my soul. or maybe my quality of writing has decreased.

i've been reading my archives. this blog is nearing it's two year anniversary. and i can see that i've changed. that i've grown.
i think it's kind of cool.. but also kind of sad.
like a farewell.
or looking at a photograph of someone you used to know really well.

stay off the road

hehe had my first in car driving lesson today... it was my first time on the road... SO SCARY! ... apparently i drove past pt's house and he waved at me but i didn't see him lol hahaha i think it went okay though... i only almost ran into the curb once. :P but abel said for my first time on the road it was good! :D whee! driving is fun! :)

shop shop shop all my worries awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy !! :)
----
---
--
-
i got SHOES =D!!! ... white puma runners with a navy stripe and suede boooots =)
i love shoes.

iscf party at oh's was really fun!:) ... lots of laughs and yummy food-- coffeecakes!! mmmmmmm ---_--- ........ hehe and balderdash and guess who and bathroom seeing haha lol... those peeps are a blast :)

good day :)

"Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous; and it pricks like thorn."

feeling ditched on all sides.

i wanna know if we click. well... i think we do... but i dont' want to jinx it by saying we do and then what if we don't?
AH how stressful.
gr~

going to aj's today... we're gonna play geetar :)

i am not

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before
my Father.."

I Am Not Ashamed. Pass this on only if
you mean it. "Yes, I do Love
God. He is my source of existence and
Savior. He keeps me functioning each
and everyday. Without Him, I will be
nothing. Without him, I am nothing,
but with Him I can do all things through
Christ that strengthens me."
Phil 4:13)

no. i am not ashamed. but i am so sick of ppl sending me all these forwards abotu "if you love God, if you're not ashamed of God send this to this certain amount of people".
come ON. my love for God is not dictated by how many people i can forward an email to. and i dont' need to prove it to everyone or show off how much i love Him.
*rolls eyes*

battle of waterloo

battle of waterloo tonite!!!-- aka wci v.s. bci annual football game that we haven't won for 15 years
was gonna go but now i'm not anymore.

bye

bai bun :*( hope you have oodles of fun in kaz :D

One way to show that you're not talking to someone is to ditch them at lunch.

We started off highschool with three. Perhaps that is how we will end.

scatterbrain


good things
it's nice to know people remember who you are. even if it's okay with you now if they don't. i think it's even better this way.

*but i dont' think that's going to happen now :)
not so good things
at least i know i did something. said something. even if i spend the rest of my life mournign the loss of our friendship.*

i dont' know if i think this is good or bad


Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much to smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drownLet me down
I say its all because of you
And here I go
Losing my control
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinately true

Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you

And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everythings turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apartAnd now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

monomers and polymers
BAHHH
bio now :(
ttyl

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTY AND LYDS! :)


back at school again :( *sad face*
luckily this is my day with only three classes... so woot :)

also since poopie theguestbook.com is shutting down it's free service-- i added a haloscan comment thingy ... :) use it! :P

happy thanksgiving :)

got a chance to hang out with bun today before she leaves ... was really nice to be able to chat and eat and drink lotsa tea :)hehe... gonna miss her lots... but it'll be *such* a cool exciting adventure :) (for her not me)

what am i thankful for?

love.
i'm thankful for love.
that's all that matters to me.
i'm thankful most of all for the endless, saving, incomparable love of God that i have the undeserved priviledge of basking in every single day.
secondly, i'm thankful for the love of my family and friends that i have been blessed with. your love and support means so so so so so so much. you have no idea. in whatever way it's shown... it's understood. and it's recieved with much gratitude. i dont' deserve it but you guys are all there for me anyways.

hope everyone ate lotsa turkey and pie.
-_- mmmmmmmmm.........

*tummy rumble*
i can smell turkey creeping around my house ... turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce *drool*
Going to auntie sarah's in like ten minutes for thanksgiving dinner ^_^
pumkin pieeeeeeeeeeeee :)
AHHHHHHHHHHH i lovelovelove thanksgiving! :D i'm thankful for FOOOOD! hehehe

rockton was OHkay... well it was cool but mega expensive!!! you had to pay admission and THEN inside you had to pay for basically everything too O_o so i'm out like $25 :P *bah* but all inall it was a good time :) only me dora tiff viv and roger went tho everyone else was in toronto, or sick, or had a piano lesson :P and i didn't get my baked potato :(

but hopefully there will be lots of potatoes at the dinner i'm going to now! seeyaz! :)

i keep waking up. i can't seem to stay sleeping.
eyes and body hot and hair damp i've been shoving my head into my pillow to blunt the ache in my head.
i think maybe this is because i took a four hour nap in the afternoon, just can't sleep much more. i'm going to rockton fair in four hours.

mmm -_- baked potato.

so it's finally friday.
friday finally.
and i am once again reminded of how much i don't like period c spare on day two mornings... the library is filled with bustling juniors who are oblivious to the fact that theyare in the library or that there are other people around.
i've seated myself next to the quietest person i can find. he reminds me of the little boy from sixth sense, the character not the actor that's why i can't remember his name. But he looks as if he sees dead people all the time.
on the other side of me, anna from rugby has seated herself. O_o... she has a really gross sneeze that seems to be aimed somewhat in my direction, i say bless you and try not to flinch.

i realize... i've grown used to first period peace and quiet. me time.

ugh. this retarded "substitute" librarian was just like
"uhhh is thta school stuff?"
"no.."
"make sure you're doing school stuff"
"oh ok"

actually it's NOT okay what the heck?? .. she thinks i'm like in grade nine i bet ... no . actually i'm in grade 12 in my spare. sorry that it urks you that not even all the computers are filled and i'm not doing school stuff. i'd understand if there was someone needing to get on to do school stuff but there really isn't so please screw off because i'm not in the greatest of moods and i am using this freaking blogging time whether you like it or not!.

*breathe*

this hasn't been a great week.

perhaps if i tell you why, it will defeat the whole purpose.
or perhaps it is because i refuse to get down on my knees and beg like a dog.

ultimately, it's all about respect. give it, and it will be returned.
if you don't respect me then don't be surprised by a cold stare or a reluctance of words.

i had the best day yesterday :)
God is amaziiiiiing!!!! He answers prayers :)
my two tests ended up actually being good!... it hink i did well anyways and questions i sat puzzling over came to me in time for me to finish :D woooot! :)
and today i got my chem quiz back and i got 80% and ditto with my physics group lab which i didn't think we were gonna do taht well on! :)

adrian came over for dinner last nite hahahaha... twas so funny ... and we sat around and he played guitar -- mad skillz! :) anyways he played this song which i completely fell in love with:

Come Home Running : Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, Daughter and Son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

kaykay gotta go-- eye appointment in .5 hr... bahhhh

calc and data management tests today..
both. yes both.
pray hard. please pray hard...

*screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

i hate school.

yes yesterday was a good day.. today... not so much. so far..
one goodthing... the computers at our school have miraculously sped up over the weekend... i am now able to blog in the normal blog "interface" thingy instead of the lite version :) yayyyyyyyyyy ......
-leaving my contacts in for 8 hrs today :P
-concept rehearsal after school--CHOIRGIRL-- oh how i wish i could quit.. but alas i need extracurriculars *sigh* at least it's only for half an hour.

good day

- eumie was the *best* upon hearing about spiderman... :)
- worship was so good... plus david dente spoke :)
- so many ppl here to visit!! :)
- my kids were cute -- although insane O_o
- esther's bday lunch was yummy and fun :) -- happy beeelated shter!!
- got to chill with g :D :D :D ... miss that. bumbum daniel is crazy-- two weeks is HUGE.

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :)

and i need to stop thinking about him. stopstopstop.

goodbye.

one of my best friends just died. all i can do is like cry and sit and try not to look at him.
spiderman.

i cna't believe this... it's like... today at olivia's she was saying "the problem with fish is that they die so easily" and i was thinking to myself "spiderman must be some sort of superfish he's awesome he'll never die" and ... then now... is life trying to freakin prove something to me?

if you think he's just a fish shut up. well whatever. think what you want but i don't wanna hear about it if you think that. spiderman was amazing.

contrary to popular belief fish can have personalities.
spiderman had hobbies..
he liked blowing bubbles some that stayed for a while and some that jsut popped at the surface. also he liked to swim around.
he had a favourite place..
underneath his flower where he'd sit, sleep, or ponder.
he was love sick...
he'd sit and daydream about girls from before and always make bubble nests just in case she came around his bowl and wanted to reproduce with him.

he was a really good friend...
he'd swim over to my side of the bowl to greet me...
listen to me belt out songs ... christmas carols... everything...
listen to me cry when i was upset about whatever happened...
listened to me talk about my problems...
sympathized with my lack of love life...

and no matter how stupid it sounds i always felt like he cared. he cared when i'd talk or whatever... the way he'd sit there intently... and no he wasn't getting ready to attack because he didn't puff up... he was a gentlemanly fish... and like... when no one seemed to give a crap when i felt like i couldn't tell anyone things... or no one really wanted to listen i could talk to him..

whatever.
i can't change it. he's gone.
i'm a fish killer. a friend killer.

my dad just said i look korean. O_o i think not. :P

hi! lights :D



hehehehe just got them today :P

trying to brainstorm a name for praylude's newspaper/newsletter thingy...
ideas?

disappointments can be opportunities.

i want to be his *best* friend not his girlfriend. and no this doesn't relate to the above statement.

ummmmmmmmmmmm........ it's SNOWING!
erh!??!
i dont' get it... it's october second. the SECOND DAY OF OCTOBER and it's SNOWING!
i dont' know whether to feel happy or sad...
i mean... on one hand i'm like "WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!" :D funfunfun
but then on the other hand i'm like "boo we kinda missed fall jsut a bit"
haha this is just so weird... all the gr. 10s in the library are all like "OH MY GOSH! SNOW OH MY GOSH!!!!!!" haha so funny...
although i must admit... it IS strange.
but haha nothing is never a surprise in terms of waterloo weather... :P

hahahha
so i was reading over my guestbook entries and realized that it only displays up to page ten ---
the oldest entry visible was by g on nov. 27, 2002.
http://www.theguestbook.com/vgbook/437497.gbook?9
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FINALLY --- "guest" has been deleted hehehehehe :)
for those of you who dont' remember who "guest" is. he/she was someone who anonomously posted on my guestbook about something i wrote... i don't actually remember what they wrote but it was pretty harsh... and i guess i was really hurt by it because it was the first time in my "blogging history" that someone had ever remarked so fiercely abotu something i wrote. i couldn't remember what it was that i wrote so i decided to look it up:
sooooo...
go click on my Nov. 2002 archives and you will see that there were A LOT of interesting posts that month... *ahem* i can see that a number of them could have caused "rebuke" ... so i'm not quite sure which one it was ... crap :P ... if u remember kindly tell me cuz i can't stop trying to remember.
hahha
wow i was a really interesting person then... have i deteriorated in my interestingness?

i got contacts!!!!! :D keekeekerker
yayay!no more squinting!!!

oh yeah!i forgot to post this link-- the Christian fellowship at my school...currently called ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship---tell me if you can think of something better... we're trying to come up with a new name):

http://wci-iscf.blogspot.com

checkit out..not much there yet butjust you wait!!! :)

HAPPY BDAy WAIKILEE :)
kekeke..
hope you had the best one ever :)

it is nice

it is nice to empty
out a bottle of seven days

HAPPY BDAY CLARA BO BEARA! :D

had dim sum w dora adrian and viv today :)
i love dimsum :)

crystal palace changed their spring rolls. it's gross now... it's got TARO inside of it *gag* *double gag*

so this morning ... like SO early...
jo kat tiff alex and i boarded the Go-Bus (train doesn't run on saturdays! :( ) to the t-dot for the Ontario University Fair :)
was quite cool got some bookies, asked some questions got some free stuf f:) ...
nippissing was really cool ... they took our picture with a poloroid camera so we could keep it as a souvineer even though none of us will go to north bay for university.
my second favourite display was queens... the had it with their campus set up as a life size back drop... and park benches displayed on a green with black street lamps teasing you as you walked by thinking "i'm at queens... but i'm inside heeee" it was definitely cool :) i want my room to look like that ... yeah... ran in to becky and amie! :)

after we finished getting everythign we walked back to Union Station to take the subway to the Eaton Centre (thanks aj!).... annnnnd we saw the WALK OF FAME!!!
HEEEE!!! okay shut up it's exciting for a bunch of looers :P so basically we spent the rest of the time shopping cept that jo and alex left early :( ... i bought some stuff :) including two novels -- Fall on Your Knees and White Oleander (which i am done 1/5 of and i think is already beginning to replace She's Come Undone as my fav novel) ... i've wanted to read white oleander for SO LONG. bah hanve't seen the movie either :)
so it was QUITE a fun day :) but veryvery tiring...

went to mikey's for dinner had my usual. heard sandra came to waterloo today. sipped my bubble tea. talked to amanda. dora came in with marius henry brendan and marius's friend kevin. left. came home. read white oleander. and am typing this blog now hoping my heart will not collapse in to a pile of dust. afraid of hatred like that of ingrid.

shiver. how creepy is ingrid man...

how is it that we have only one year left .. less than that and the four of us can't spend one freaking day all together? ... ugh. whatever.

umok so correction abraham wasn't going to *joyfully* kill his son
but like
i can't find a better example :P

grrrrrrr
okay so Concept results were posted thismorning. and having A spare i went to check them out... yeah i made it. but i'm in the freaking choir AGAIN!!!!
bah!! ...i guess i just have to face it. i'm just a choir girl, and i always will be.

had a good day today :)

chilled with adrian hahaha ... so funny... bbt and lots of laughs :)
while walking i remarked about how i could sorta see my breath a bit... coldness coming in ... waterloo weather is nice righ tnow... a little chilly but ... perfect. i love autumn crispness. this is the best season :) ... so gorgeous. with crackly leaves under your feet that you step on just to hear them crackle because it's such a beautiful sound. and you get to buy those new boots and classy new pants and tops because it's getting colder... oh the joys of fall... now if only there wasn't school to dread.

came to realize some things tonight while talking to mike... not going to explain the conversation but it was a big wake up call for my spiritual life... which i think is starting to lag without my knowing... so sneaky :P ... gotta get those devos going again... gotta get rid of some sins that are holding me back... and yeah gotta thing about some stuff...
"pretend that God is telling you to [give up something really important to you]
how do you react?if it's any other way than with joy, then we've got something to work on...if we obey God with anything less than joy, then we've got a problem"
it reminded me of Abraham and Isaac... that Abraham would hve (joyfully) killed his own son because God commanded him to...
how do i get that kind of love and submission to Him? and how do i get that kind of direction in life from God... how can i know His will at all times?
because i know that i want to follow Him.. and i want to do His will... but it is not always joyfully that i do it... i guess i hold too tightly still to wordly things... and sometimes i can't even distinguish what His will is!...
id unno.. that frustrates me ... but i guess ijust need to pray abotu it and in the mean time make sure that i am offering my WHOLE heart to God and not just part of it.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

i shut my eyes so tight and wish... wish a million paradise sushi rolls that i won't care.
that each day will be just another day. that each moment will be just another moment. that each person will just be another sillouhette in passing.

"from now on it will just be
me, standing at the edge glaring at
you, as if i didn’t care

when in fact i do
i want to hear you thinking
of me, even when i forget
to think back in return"
~kalypsobekka

R.I.P. chippy the chipmunk... :*(

happy birthday miss sandy kun!! :)

western rep came to school today ... kat and i went to see what western was all about hehe :P ...
id unno if i want to go there... mybe.. but it's not my first choice i dont' think...
OHHHHHH university is so stressful!

ISCF(interschool Christian fellowship) had it's first meeting this morning... :)
hehe was a pretty good turnout like 30 ppl :) niceway to start the day ...although earlY! ... something Jon said stuck out inmy head "If you light yourself on fire, people love to come see you burn" hehe

i have major cramps.i wanna go home.

hey so i just got this Friendster thing that vidaloca sent me
hehehe soooo cool! except that at the moment i only have two friends lol
loner...
so add me if u have it and ur my friend :P
i used jazzalicious07@hotmail.com

just talked to my like second mother haha
kee i'm happy :) good way to start the day ... :D
but apparently i'm not allowed to look at guys til after university HA..

God is so amazing!
so i've been freaking out about this unforgivable sin thing... freak,ing about how i might have committed it and stuff... and so i prayed so hard during service today for a sign... a sign to know whether it was real guilt or false guilt... and so i went to sunday school today and joseph's like "today we're going to talk about... guilt." and i just gaped at him. it was like wow. and i didn't even say anything about it and then the whole issue got resolved without me saying a word about it ... liek somebody else brought up the whole unforgivable sin thing and it wasn't even exactly the topic! and WOW.
that's jsut making a long story short but yeah... like God is so good :) and He sometimes answers prayers so quickly !!!! thankYou! :) it's nice to know that i'm not goign to hell :P

went to chill at tiff's tonight... talked ate played some soccer... watch some chinese movies hehe :) took pics :) nice way to end off the wknd :)
bah... school again tommorow...

chilled at dora's today with her, jo, viv, jon, and marius :)
i got a free skateboarding poster from boardzone :D
i love pics of people skateboarding!!!

i've decided i want to learn how to skateboard. :P
too bad i have NO balance :P

went to g's byebye bbq yesterday :) was fun ... got to chat and chill with a lot of people that haven't really talked to in a long time... really nice to be able to catch up and whatnot. i'm glad so many people are here this term :)

i heard Shania Twain's Forever and Always twice today ... twice! *shudder* i relalllly don't like that song... :P

my Concept audition was today... poopoo instrumental auditions were distracting me ... electric guitar... so loud. id unno. i just really hope i dont' end up in the choir again this year... i know i must sound like an ingrate having gotten in for the past two years but... i dunno! like...i just want a better part... to have to devote that much time to something..i guess it just makes it seem more worthwhile if your'e not singing with a gazzillion other people. but considering i dind't do the BEST i could possibly do... my fate in the choir is most likely sealed. :P unless i don't get in at all?

praylude tonight... talked about the abc's of salvation... it was cool to see all that subject compliment stuff actually come into play... and then after we all went to mikey's for some eats and some bbt :) .. fun times... had a good laugh over stuff we did in the summer of grade nine... wow... that was the best summer of my life for sure! :)

miss you.

it's happened.

your hand's gone at the crosswalk. hand's gone from the bike seat.
i'm inhaling sharply.
i want to sit on the curb and refuse to cross the street.
i want to squeeze the hand brakes and refuse to pedal. place my feet firmly on the ashfault unbudging.
as if by some miracle, *my* stagnancy will make time stand still with me. perhaps even rewind.

but i know that's not what it's like. life isn't like a movie as much as i'd like it to be... and it isn't a daydream in which i can twist situations to my liking.
can i cross the street by myself? yeah. i guess i can. i know how to look both ways, walk not run, quicken my pace as the hand flashes.
can i ride my bike alone? yeah. maybe i'll fall... scrape my knees up a bit... but somehow... i'll find the strength to get back on.

That same strength that gripped the tears forming behind my eyes. strength that was not there yesterday but was there today. strength that disappeared with the shutting of the door as i pressed my back into the wall letting it all flow out thinking i hate this i hate this i hate this.

but you've taught me much, and i don't forget. i do know some things... and i can do some things... and i can deal. just gotta dry my eyes, suck it up, and live life to the fullest. trust God that things are going to be okay, remember that everything is a blessing, and strive to be the best that i can possibly be.
i can maybe do that. but it doesn't mean i'm not scared. and it doesn't mean i won't miss you ... miss everything.

need to think about it. gonna go shove my face into my pillow and sleep it off.

waiting

not much longer now.
gripping the hand i hold so tightly, eyes shooting up to ensure it hasn't vanished.
pedalling vigourously, neck straining to see the hand hanging on to the seat.
i swallow.
very soon.
i shed a tear while waiting.
for your hand to disappear.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*ahem*
the o-c is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLD!!!! and ... it's gone for a month and a half!!! :*( *tears*
my current wallpaper:

seventeen

thankyou Father for these seventeen years. years that could have been taken away at any moment and almost were... years that have been filled with countless memories, countless blessings... years that i have come to treasure as they speed by faster and faster. I love You.

a week ago, maybe less, i was pretty miserable... thinking about all the things that were going wrong... thinking about how school was so different this year than the last... thinking about my classes and how everything seemed wrong and the stress of university coming overwhelming me a bit... thinking about my desire to serve God in Praylude with four of my best friends and the hurt i felt when i realized they would be serving on commitee together without me... thinking about my roles in life... how maybe i didn't fit them anymore. wondering... wondering whether if i was important anywhere at all anymore... wondering if i mattered. and so certain that i was not loved or valued by anyone. cared for yes, but loved and valued... no.

but then i got to thinking this weekend... how am i looking at this? g always says it's all about perspective. so last night i tried to percieve it in a different way. i wasn't excited about seventeen at all. in fact, i wanted to stay sixteen... yet this weekend was really really great. compared to last year's galla this weekend was very regular ... but i got to spend a lot of time with friends and family... people doing all these little nice things for me to show me how much they care... to show that they remembered.
time.
time is huge. it seems to pass more and more quickly every year... so precious... something only God can control. and you never really know how much you have left. the way you spend your time is like a vote. a vote as to what is important to you. this weekend a lot of time was devoted to me. and that meant alot... but what means even more is how much time is devoted to me regularily. the number of people who will spend their time talking to me, doing things for me, chilling out with me... is a great many more than i deserve. and over the years God has blessed me with countless friends ... friends that i am so lucky to have yet so often take for granted...
and i know that if that many people are will to invest so much time in me... then i must be pretty important to them :)-- valued. and VERY well cared for. and all these things exhibit love. can i say that i am certain that every single one of these people love me? no. but who cares? teh actions shown and the actual relationships are much mroe important than someone saying i love you.

also... i thought everything was going wrong ... but i'm sure everything that happens will be used by God in accordance with His plan for me... and everything will turn out in the end :)

and what have i done this year that's worth remembering?
i grew. i grew closer to God. I grew new relationships and deepened old ones. i discovered true friends. and friends that i could rely on for spiritual and emotional and physical support. i got baptised. i had fun. i laughed. and i made people smile.

i could not be more grateful for a year that could not have been better.

this is the last blog entry of my sixteenth year of my life...
35 minutes to go...
much to reflect upon but instead i think i'll sing the song one last time as Leisl:

Sixteen Going On Seventeen
[Rolf:]
You wait, little girl, on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life, little girl, is an empty page
That men will want to write on

[Liesl:]
To write on

[Rolf:]
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

You are sixteen going on seventeen
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads and rogues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken

You need someone older an wiser
Telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen
I'll take care of you

[Liesl:]
I am sixteen going on seventeen
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe

I am sixteen going on seventeen
Innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies
What do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen
I'll depend on you

-- so long farewell.

i REALLY don't like period C spare on day 2 mornings.
i can deal with chilling out alone on period A for the rest of the week but period C mornings SUCK. so since period C is actually a spare for all juniors or lunch on the other days, the library is pretty full. It is also inhabited by teachers who have jr lunch off or certain senior students who have a similar situation as myself-- but only the ones i don't know of course since if i knew them i wouldn't be so tormented and of course that would never do. i tried hanging out in front of my locker but i got kicked out of the hall by a stupid meano teacher. so aside from having no friends to chill with first period i am also subject to lack of privacy and space. BAH. and the library is loud. like SHUT UP. it's the library! grrr~~ ...
also, i was shafted by ovaltine and her gr nine friends lol...DITCHED... jk viv haha...

10 more minutes... *breathe* and then biology -- oh the joys of cell growth :P

something i had to write for english...

It is a rare occasion that one has the privilege of experiencing that tremendous feeling. A feeling that starts as a tingle at the top of your stomach and runs like seeping ink through your body, filling it in such a manner that your insides yearn to burst, yet giving you a sense that you are incredibly small. Wonder.
This privilege came to me during a trip to Alberta a few years ago. I remember it exactly, standing at the edge of Lake Louise with my eyes resting above the horizon, completely mesmerized. At that moment, nothing and no one else existed save for the Rocky Mountains and myself. I was completely overtaken by the vastness of the megaliths before me. Rock, white and jagged, stretched my eyes higher than skyscrapers or any human accomplishment. Although still, they shocked me with the power they emitted and the cold splash of realization that human hands could not create such majesty.
Yet the feeling that empowers you is not only strong and serrated, but also soft, like a vast, unending canvas of a great painter that could only be God himself. His brush’s blending so fine that it is difficult to differentiate the peaks from the sky.
This canvas and this power engulfing you could only be described as wonder, a moment in time in which your significance is nothing.

5 days.


so yeah like the O.C. is the best show EVER! *all nod in agreement*
*GUSH*
i love this show sooooo much it's so good! ^_^ seth and ryan are both so hot! ...i didn't think ryan was that great iin the beginning but his personality makes him woww plus his body. :P ahem.
bah... i can't believe marissa and luke!!! NOOOOOOO... marissa's supposed to be with RYAN!!!! too bad he messed it up bLAH... anywayyyyyss.s.. this is SUCH a good show. honestly if you haven't seen it ... seriously seriously watch it. i'm addicted. hehe :)

bleh. it's picture day tommorow and i just grew a zit :(

the thing about having a spare first thing in the morning every single week where you have to go and can't sleep in because you have no other ride is... you spend a lot of quality time with yourself. i guess it's kinda nice... when i put it like that.. "quality time with me" but ... it sucks. i mean come *on* . why should i have to wake up and sit around while everyone else with this spare is sleeping? :P i want to get this changed around but i haven't seen my guidance counsellor ONCE yet and it's impossible to get an appointment. i just don't go at the right times i guess... i've been feeling so so so unlucky. i mean, i'm trying to trust God that this sis the way things are supposed to be and if He wants them to change He'll get me that chance to change it... it's been really in my face that that's what i'm supposed to do-- trust Him with all my heart. but i can't help but sulk a little because i'm tired and woudl much rather be at home in my bed. WAHHHH I WANNA SLEEP!!!! >_<

went to nsr last night with pt, chris, jo, and kat. i met some people... this one guy named Kai who when i saw his nametag i thought it said "KA!" and i was like WOW! can i call you KA!? and he's like "no... cuz it sounds bad when you say it twice" lolz.
also it's weird when people come back and you didn't miss them all that much over the term but when you see them you realize you did.

my "suk poh" aka tiff's grandma is having her surgery today... MAD MAD MAAAAAADDDD prayer power needed... it's at 10:30 am... please please pray hard...

oh wow. one week left. i wish time would just freeze.