changes

it's been three weeks.

how many things have changed in me since i got here i'm not quite sure... of course, as usual i'm hoping that while there are aspects of me i would like to improve, that my overall character doesnt' alter too much.

i find though, that every day things tht were so important to me getting less important and being replaced by different things. i find myself wanting less and less to know what others think about every decision i make. i'm picking up the phone less. and i'm venturing downt he hall more. i'm wanting freedom, but i'm also wanting accountability from my peers. but somewhere here within these three weeks where i keep thinking about this new start thinking about what's important to me... thinking about making my own decisions, being my own boss. i feel so stupid. i got so scared yesterday ...God is so HERE. like i'm reminded of Him all the time because i have so many christian friends, i have cell groups, ccf, church, etc etc... but i havne't really spent time with God. and i haven't given any of these things up to him. at ccf biblestudy on friday nite... what hit me the hardest was the verse where moses is questioning his own competancy:

"11 But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"
12 And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you [1] will worship God on this mountain." "

this reminds me of the beginning of university when i was scared out of my pants that i couldnt' do anything. and now i'm not scared anymore. but everything is jsut *me* figuring out what's right for *me*.. i'm trying to "do" all these things but i get frustrated because even though i'm doing stuff i'm messing up stuff, i'm fighting with people, i'm doing alot of things that are a horrible witness ... why? because when moses asks God who he is to do anything... God doesnt' even *mention* moses' name in return. becuase everything is what He does through us. i've strayed far. i've been "doing" too much and trusting too little. i dunno. i dont' even know why i'm sharing this becuase it doesn't make any sense. but i just wanna get back. there's this starfield song jacqueline sent me that made me cry yesterday. everyone should listen to this song :

Can I Stay Here Forever

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You

things i didn't expect:

-my feet to be all blistered from walking so much
-that i could miss ppl so much even though you've only known them for 3 weeks and they are only gone for two days.

a mess of things

i feel likei havne't updated in a long time...i knowithasn't been long but everything i've been writing about is like "i did this...and then i did this"...

i don't know why but i thought i'd just automatically start growing up once i got into university .. of course, this isn'tthe case at all. i can't believe summer has been over for two weeks. i haven't done everythigni wanted to do... two books still stand unread, grad pictures still unwritten... and suddenly school's started.all i've really talked about is how fun everything is, and it has been! but i just wanna take some time to share my inner struggles.

accountability
i guess i wasn't prepared for accountability... even though i'vebeen praying for it for a while. there are a lot of temptations here. more so than in highschool... and i keep trying to figure out for myself what is right or wrong or inbetween... what is overstepping the boundaries for me? last year and years past all i'd do is call someone up and be like "is this ok? or is this not ok?" but i just feel like i need to just make my own decisions about certain things. i mean, some things are just a matter of opinion, and it's time i formed my own. but then what happens is there are things that i really misjudge becuase of the heat of the moment, surrounding influence, curiousity... etc.. And God placed someone there to hold me accountable to my actions. i thought that was what i wanted, but at the time i was frustrated. i wasnt' preparedfor someone to straight up tell me how stupid i was being, but now it's like wow. i am blessedwith such a good friend. unfortuneately, i went and made a different mistake instead...

ok i'm stopping here. trying to be vague is just like writing nothing. what i really just wanted to say is that praise God there are ppl here keepign me frommyself. and to my friend-- thanks.

eighteen

a big hug and thanks to everyone who remembered my "day" and took the time to send me an email or msn msg, or call me to say happy bday, or celebrated with me :) thanks for all the cards and gifts and well wishes ... being remembered and spending time with friends is what i wanted the most :)

special thanks to: gy who came all the way up from tdot to see me on mon nite and my floor girls for the cupcakes and the card and all the scrapbook stuff and everything love you girls and deb for seoul soul lunchie and floor girls, jacqueline, alison and jon for bbt :) (ok basically all the ppl i actually spent time with :P)

anywyas i have more to say but i'm so tired... i love you all :)

so first day of classes today... 9:30... so dev, aneta, and i walked down to slc to get timmy's and hten they headed over to mc and i went in the other direction to renison which i wasn't exactly sure where it was so i was sort of panicking :P thank God, i bumped into elsie who just so happened to be in my class so i got there okay :) Lifespan Processes: Normal Events... actually, i think i'm becoming a nerd on the first day becuase i am psyched to read this stuff and psyched to write my paper... it sounds really interesting and ok i'll stop there becuase my old slacker self is disolving off me... gawd please don't let me become a keener! lol just kidding :) i'm just really happy to be able to learn what i like learning about. its' really great :) ok i know it's jsut my very first class. but STILL!

i really need to stock up more on snack food... i was jsut down the hall at whitney's and she has those really good japanese crunchy msg party mix things hahah plus last nite dennis had those fizzy party inyour mouth candies.. gotta get me some of those... frosh 15 is looming.

a few more pics for your viewing pleasure :P dev developed a bunch for me over the wknd!! thanks dev! yay scrapbook!
1. jacqueline, me, kat, alison, and jo at bubble tease
2. rez frosh bbq ... mmmm burgers ;P
3. marilyn speeding up the treadmill on dev lol i love this pic

was gonna post pics but i just got home and my eyes are like drooping so i think i'll do it tomorrow.... this wk's been a blast... still not quite over yet!
everyone went home for the wknd :( :( :( haha at least marilyn's coming back tmrw.. i'm shortening every word.. i think it's text msging that's making me do this. :P

anyhow, adios amigos, bonne nuit.

rez life 101

soo... have the past two days been totally great? ... absolutely. :)
my internet's been messed or slooooooowwwwwww... bah. rez net is having some problems. we all keep getting kicked off msn and our explorer is like.. snail's pace. but i finally got on blogger so i can update everyone on the status on how university (or at least living) is going.

moved into REV yesterday(sunday)... there was a PARADE of ppl in here.. so random... but cool, lots of ppl to help haha.. my sister like put away all my clothes and stuff yayyyy :D here's (1) me and kat before we finished unpacking, you can see my FLOWER laundry hamper! :D (2) my family standing in our room

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ok so i heard horror stories about REV but man, i'm loving it here. i guess the thing is i'm on an all girls' floor so parties would be right diagonal (coed floor)... so it's nice becuase no one's too loud here so you can *choose* whether to party or not. not that there have been too many parties. i mean this is the first *real* day where everyone's actually moved in. so i'm in south a and it's just been really cool ... our don meaghan is uber nice and the ppl on our floor are uber nice :) everyone is really cool but we've formed a little tighter knit group already which is really cool ... basically with me, kat, and jo, emzhei, dev, and anetta (who all went to the same hs in tdot), and marilyn... it's super cuz they're all really fun and stuff :)

oh the a/c stuff is ok too cuz kat and i have TWO fans in our room :) sooo nice. tahnks mom and jiffy!

faculty frosh stuff and opening ceremonies was tonight ... so funny, the theme is "ciVILLAGEization" so like every section is a civilization and South is vikings... so we were painting like viking stuff our ourselves or whatever and i painted beards on me and kat lol ... the stuff was ok tonight... but it got a little long... but the cheering is fun :) kinda like TC only way way bigger :) check out some pics of (1) me and kat and our beards! YAAAAHH SOUTH! haha, and (2)me, kat, dev, jo, and marilyn about to get drinks

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anyways that's my update! gonna crash now, gotta get up at like 7 -_-

all my bags are (almost) packed, i'm ready to goo...

well this is it i guess... pretty insane how fast time goes by.
i figured out tonight that i have way too many clothes :P

so many butterflies in my stomach... but no matter, the show must go on.
going to pick up my key at 8:30 tomorrow

....... oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness...

too many goodbyes

tonight we had our praylude grad dinner thingy at mikey's... just a time to spend time together and thank people before we "head off" to our respective universities and new chapter in our lives... the great thing was just being able to get a chance to talk and say thankyou and just to hear everyone recount the way we saw God's love in eachother and for others to embark their wisdom upon us, perhaps one last time. I'm just filled with this huge overwhelming desire to jump up and praise God for this amazing fellowship and church i've had during highschool, this wellspring of support and love, the funness and closeness of our fellowship is... jsut really abundant.

of course it was an emotional time... our sharing sent most of the girls and some of the guys into tears, words touched me. and of course goodbyes are never easy. dora had to leave earlier to drive back into toronto... and i dunno what happened i think i was like demon-possessed for a bit there the amount i was crying.... i guess i've just never had to say goodbye to my best friend before not knowing when we'll see eachother next. ... life without the full unit of kreazeless this year is just unimaginable (and i mean that in a bad way)... anyways the pictures of me are pretty nasty considering i was totally bawling all night but i posted up a few group shots:

most of praylude (i look 300lbs in this one):




grads with PT and Chris (you can see my swollen eyes looovely):




grad girlies (aka: girl's cell bunch):




kreazeless for LIFE. and longer.:



i just wanna thank everyone again... great times, great everything. best of luck to everyone and stay close. <3