changes

it's been three weeks.

how many things have changed in me since i got here i'm not quite sure... of course, as usual i'm hoping that while there are aspects of me i would like to improve, that my overall character doesnt' alter too much.

i find though, that every day things tht were so important to me getting less important and being replaced by different things. i find myself wanting less and less to know what others think about every decision i make. i'm picking up the phone less. and i'm venturing downt he hall more. i'm wanting freedom, but i'm also wanting accountability from my peers. but somewhere here within these three weeks where i keep thinking about this new start thinking about what's important to me... thinking about making my own decisions, being my own boss. i feel so stupid. i got so scared yesterday ...God is so HERE. like i'm reminded of Him all the time because i have so many christian friends, i have cell groups, ccf, church, etc etc... but i havne't really spent time with God. and i haven't given any of these things up to him. at ccf biblestudy on friday nite... what hit me the hardest was the verse where moses is questioning his own competancy:

"11 But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"
12 And God said, "I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you [1] will worship God on this mountain." "

this reminds me of the beginning of university when i was scared out of my pants that i couldnt' do anything. and now i'm not scared anymore. but everything is jsut *me* figuring out what's right for *me*.. i'm trying to "do" all these things but i get frustrated because even though i'm doing stuff i'm messing up stuff, i'm fighting with people, i'm doing alot of things that are a horrible witness ... why? because when moses asks God who he is to do anything... God doesnt' even *mention* moses' name in return. becuase everything is what He does through us. i've strayed far. i've been "doing" too much and trusting too little. i dunno. i dont' even know why i'm sharing this becuase it doesn't make any sense. but i just wanna get back. there's this starfield song jacqueline sent me that made me cry yesterday. everyone should listen to this song :

Can I Stay Here Forever

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I got to get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You