i take it back


i would just like to publically renounce ANYTHING i've said in the past while about any of the following topics:
- ditching
- being pushed aside
- weddings
- prom
... i'm being sincere. really. nothing happened, just sometimes you realize how stupid you're being.

oooh and on the topic of weddings a big congrats to irenie on her big day! :D

dana porter

my first encounter with dp and i like it immensely... it's waYYY cleaner than dc ... and they sell swedish berries here too... very nice. my only beef is tha tit's like GRAVEYARD quiet, which i guess can be a good thing.
anyways i'm actually glad to be back in library mode, there's like a part of sketchbook peace to it although obviously memorizing business terms doesn't exactly provide me wiht the intense joy that scratching out a sketch does ... but it's peaceful none the less.

now if only i had remembered to bring a black pen. *sigh* gonna go eat my berries.

rrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate stupid annoying people who do things PURELY out of spite
things that don't even benefit them but are for the SOLE purpose of bringing others down
and when that fails to work for them they go and cry about it.

shut the hell up!

i can't take this anymore. i can't wait til next year.

took away my poll becuase i've made a decision... it wasn't actually based on the results of this poll but it was interesting to see what people thought :)

[question: If i get rejected from UW, which university should i attend?]
Carleton - for social work 30%
York - for social work 27%
Laurier - for sociology 21%
Ryerson - for social work 12%
UTSC - for social science 9%

i've decided carleton. but lol dont' think i'd be so stupid to pick it based on the results of a poll :P i read, prayed, talked to people... etc... i think i learned this weekend that really, the only reason i didn't decide carleton was because i'm just really scared to go so far away.. and yeah, if i get into waterloo i'm THERE but i think that i need to be open to the possibility that maybe i am supposed to get away.. 6 hours away and trust God that much more. or at least trust Him enough now to make a decision that isn't hindered by my lack of trust. other factors such as campus size and location also contribute.

but i'm still crossing my fingers for waterloo :P

wow i feel like i haven't updated for such a long time... even though really it's only been a few days... :P i'd have to say i'm not really glad to be back...
from the weekend that is. i heart long weekends and holidays and such :)

hmm soo... yeah, went to the United Live concert on friday night which was REALLY good :) they are so much better than the older hillsongs !!! and after that went back to kwcac for 30 hr famine... i guess i was pretty tired after the concert though so i pretty much just went and slept in the nursery with amanda and clara instead of playing video games (although i had a crappy sleep because ppl were playing DDR *downstairs* ALL NIGHT LONG, not to mention screaming whcih was weird becuase i awoke frantically thinking the church was burning down...id unno why) but yeah saturday was spent watching Family Guy episodes at kat's and having long awaited lasagna and perogies for supper :9 after which a bunch of us went and watched shrekII which was really funny :) (click to enlarge pic... i have a lot more pictures so if you want some tell me and i'll send them to you)



on sunday karen was nice enuff to drive me to the bus terminal with the help of joanna's directions so i could bus out to tdot to visit eumie lol it was bad though cuz there was a mix up with stuff and whatever but she eventually found me :P it was scary though, i mean, i get off the bus and there's ALL these thug girls and here i am this little hick from waterloo, ontario with a stuffed purple cow under my arm i was scared i was gonna get beat up so i stuffed him in my bag :P but yeah the two days was really nice... really relaxing. i needed some time away and i got just that. i forgot about everything even the hugs and hellos i'd promised other ppl i'd give eumie for them. i think it was about *here* that the forgetting settled in. something about buildings disappearing into the fog that likened to me this weekend, just out of focus enough. forgive my poor photography skills.



other pics....:



so yeah :) i had a great great weekend and now i'm back -- but it's okay cuz at least there's a half day tomorrow! :D

so i'm in a GREaT mood this morning... i think it's that there are only... errrm 5 hours til the weekend!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

heidi slept over last night and it was really good to chat and share :) my parents left for long island this morning so heidi was my human alarm clock (a position normally filled by my mother haha).. yeah my parents were actually supposed to leave at 9 last nite and hten they postponed it to 6 this morning and didnt' end up leaving until like 7:30 ... which is VERY typical for my family haha

mm.. i stop eating for thirty hours at 1:00 today! >.< pray for me that i survive and that i get something out of this. every year it's the getting something out of it that i struggle with but joanna tiff kat and i were planning on spending some time in sharing and in prayer tomorrow... so that should be good... :)

oh and i got into western yesterday... which changes nothing for me haha but i dunno... htis week i've seen God make things happen for people. maybe He'll be making something happen for me soon.

in any case, i'm just too excited about the weekend to even really care ;)

congrats tiff on getting into westernnnnn!!!!! *EeeeEe*
tick tock uw... tick tock...

i'm becoming irritable. frustrated.
intolerant. with things in my life, in all aspects i guess, every little thing seems to be making me tick ... but the top three things are:

1. people nagging me or being pissed at me for things i can NOT control. what exactly would you like me to do??!
2. people who hardly know me continually asking me questions about/lecturing me about things that i have VERY CLEARLY stated i do not want to talk about and that are of absolutely no concern to them. not annoyed because they bring it up to begin with but that they don't respect me when i ask them not to say anything about it becuase i dont' want to talk about it.
3. checking the mail has become the most dreaded but most neccessary part of my day.

i need a break. i need to get away from things here. honestly if i don't get some time away i'm gonna blow, breakdown, it wont' be pretty.
luckily i see victoria day weekend and a GETAWAY not too far in the horizon:

- 30 Hour Famine -- anyone wanna sponsor me? :D email me :)
- hillsongs concert
- visit eumie in toronto! :)

and luckily i'm not in sciences or accounting so i don't really have exams to worry about! whee!.. what's everyone else doing this wknd?

mmm :9 home from a much much MUCH needed hot pot night at westcourt

had some good laughs and some good food :) and good company (mostly, haha jk)
.. sometimes that's all you need.

i'm not going to prom.

i just can't now. not after that. i feel like the ugliest person in the world. i know her words were unintentional... and in part not even serious. but every joke holds it's truths and those truths really hurt too much that the most i can do right now is not cry.

it's like i can't even really talk about it to anyone either it's just too embarressing too shameful... i'm afraid that i'll say something and people will be comforting me with their words but inside they'll be thinking "well i kind of agree with that... that's not too far fetched"... it' sjust like one of those things you don't really forget ever.

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent but i FEEL INFERIOR. i can't NOT consent. and i can say and logic out everything possible but i will never stop wondering whether or not these things are true. if i really am that.

so unless i find some amazing guy who suddenly wants to go to prom with me-- i'm not going. i really dont' think my heart can take another kick.

happy birthday nate and oh!!!

way WAYYYYY too hot

i thought i missed summer weather... uhh no. it is SO hot. i died at practice today cuz it was so freakin hot and now in my house we haven't turned on the a/c yet (and my mom refuses to turn it on for some reason) everything is hot and sticky. like the bottoms of my feet are hot. it's sticky in here. it doesnt'help to open the windows either.

oh and here's a pic (courtesy of jo) of me viv jo and tiff after the wci vs jhss game on fri... i look like O_o because i just played. and my shorts are white because the field wasn't muddy :P



i'm gonna go get some icecream.

song of the moment: Tension : Our Story ... tension is awesome. i. am. a. fob.

sob. haha

i had a good weekend and now it's back to school again... eeeeeeeee.. ok. not complaining.

we played tiff's team on friday which was really fun! :) score was 37-5 for us and i got my arm bent back weird i was totally running for a few seconds with no feeling in it...
went and saw Mean Girls later that night--- SO funny. everyone should see this movie... yeah good times hanging out with the girls and stuff :)

mm...saturday is in the previous post...

sunday-- wow. this was like TRAIN WRECK DAY. i somehow did something to my alarm clock and it just was stuck on 8:30 ... i wanted to get up at 9:00 seeing as i knew i was leading worship but every time i looked at my clock it said 8:30. ok ok i know that it should somehow register in my mind that it wasn't changing but i was sleepy! ... sooooo i got to church at like 10:10 only arriving to find it was technically okay that i was late because our powerpoint got ERASED! i have no idea how. we'd used it the night before cuz we did the same set for the yaf on sat nite... anyhow it was pretty embarressing having started late and just woken up basically 10 minutes prior.. when i started singing it was the first time i'd sang that morning. it was SO AWFUL. i apologize to those whose ears i hurt.. haha but i am sure God understands, knowing the circumstances :P
after service i went home to shower and then we went up to tiff's for a bbq :)

yeah... bought some white flip flops which some girl STEPPED on the back of them today!!!! brand new white flipflops already tainted haha :P

oh also-- if you're bored, take the FOB test ... i got 50% O_o

reasons

i started this weekend out in a really disappointed kind of attitude.. see, a bunch of us were supposed to go down to toronto to visit euming from fri nite to sunday afternoon... we were supposed to go to the zoo today (kinda funny cuz kreazeless has been trying to get to the zoo together since grade nine :P) but because of conflicts and incontrolable inconveniences, our plans fell through and we didnt' end up getting to go. and so yeah, i was really bitter and i guess i felt like i really needed this trip out and whatnot...

Tonight there was this joint fellowship thingy between young adult (our parents) and praylude. i'd heard about it for a week... and i really didn't want to go. i mean, i heard it was going to be some sort of panel discussion or somethign and i was just so bitter thinking how can i go to this thing when i *should* be in tdot visiting eumie?? .. but...i ended up going. and i'm really glad.

sometimes... God has all these reasons for things that you don't know until so much later. that's been happening to me a bit this year. and tonight too. PT did kind of a workshop type thingy and i felt like it really applied to me, got me thinking alot. although, perhaps i felt at first that it was a really lame exchange of plans for the weekend, it's where i feel God really wanted me to be. wanted me to hear these things firsthand. about humilty. about seeing ourselves the way He sees us. letting Him work instead of trying to 'fix' everything ourselves.

something that was said really hit me. something like "pride is when we become independant and think we can do things ourselves, think we have to fix things"... i'm not sure if that was the exact wording but something to that effect. i guess i started thinking about UW. about how maybe if i dont' get in, it could be because God wants to put me in a situation in which i'll have to rely completely on Him, instead of being somewhere where i feel like i'm still somewhat in control. not that i dont' want to go to UW still ... but it made me think about good reasons of why maybe God *could* choose a different path for me.

and it was good to have discussions with different people... fun even. and it was really good to be able to fellowship with my family. (well with my parents)... to pray with my family. we dont' really get the opportunity to do that alot. to share, to pray for eachother... and so, i think i understand the reasons why i wasn't in toronto this specific weekend. although i would have really liked to go. and although i miss people alot. and i wanted to go to the zoo... sometimes... it's not really up to me. i really have to recognize these things earlier. recognize these type of things before God displays before me the answer, the reasons His way is always so much better. i guess it's jsut hard becuase i *am* proud, and untrusting.

How humbling.

okay so i put up a poll on the side bar under "vote" because i'm having trouble deciding and i'd like some outside opinions soooooo everyone HAS to vote-- even if you don't know, just vote. dooooo it. okay? fenshoo! :)

oh and i added some new linkies : abe from lazarus, michellie, and shabba aka anita tong :)

"Is it fair to say i was lured away? By endless distractions and lovelier attractions then
Or fairer still, my own free will is the better one to blame for this familiar mess I've made again" nn

is there such thing as a 'neccessary evil'?
is it so bad to take the 'easy way out' of things when you know that you can do better after situations are fixed?
sometimes it's like there's so much pressure and then you'd jsut rather do one little tiny wrong thing that will make things pressure free as well as clear the slate for the future. i know it's not exactly good... but is there a little space for something like this as a Christian?
good gawd. what kind of a person am i? ......... one that just needs things to be okay *now*.

hm.. so had lunch with kare, heid, and jo today and then went back to kare's place for a bit geetared and stuff it was really good :) haven't had time with this specific group for a while :) reminded me kind of of old times .... cept without my tantrums haha went over to waiki's 'bachelor pad' for a bit after that had some chocolate icecream :9 oh and borrowed his nichole nordeman cd wheee so i've been listening to it over and over for the whole night haha

oh! and i finally saw love actually on fri nite after praylude--- SO GOOD!!!!! *gush*

may....

okay i'm back. bring it on. :P