my very first "stalker"

hahaha :P...
well.. sort of. so i was sitting at mikey's today msning on herman's laptop and suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and puts this folded piece of paper on the table next to me and then leaves the restaurant. so i open the piece of paper up and on it are this guy's name, phone number, and msn hahahha ... omg i couldn't stop laughing haha...

anyways i was amused... creeped out... and slightly flattered :P... but yeah.. its' kind of creepy but doesnt' hold a finger to janna and her many stalkers during the year haha but janna's hot and i'm really not so this came as a shock haha

oh geez. haha tahnks to "sid" for some entertainment in my otherwise mundane life. :P

p.s. i'm loving the photo uploading from blogger. saves me so much time :D

the rain that once flourished the flower
has beaten it flat to the grass
its pinks weep across browns

except that i am not a flower
and perhaps
it was my hearing that was distorted
and not your words that flourished me

let me wish
bare like the moon for a minute
that i were more than a favour, company, spite
that i were
more to you (too)
even though i can never say

i'm lit like rain with hate and love. and no one has a clue.

perspective

"I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you got to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believ'e that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on." Rick Warren (PDL guy)

and i have so much to work on.
prayer requested:
... a servant-like heart and attitude.
... to be able to balance my emotions with rational thought haha
... a consistent desire to glorify God in all i do... not up down up down... but always...? is that possible?

this one was stolen from jo's blog... taken from Tuesdays With Morrie (which i have yet to read)...it's like... the author is talking TO me... haha...:

"Don't cling onto things, because eveyrthing is impermanent. detachment [from things] doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. ON the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. that's how you are able to leave it. Take any emotion. If you hold back on the emotions- if you don't allow yourself to goa ll the way through wthem, you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. Afraid of the pain, the grief, the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully. You KNOW what pain is, what LOVE is, what grief is. And only then, can you say "alright. I have experienced that emotion, i recognize it. Now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment..."

INCREDIBLE.
but ... HOW!??!?

excuse me

excuse me but i need to say

AHHHRHHGHHHGHHHGHGHGHGHH!!!!!!!!!

i'm struggling with myself. with balancing what i see with what others see with not caring too much what others see with accepting constructive criticism.
struggling with my desire to become more of a woman of God... with the part of me that is confused and angry about things that are happening in my life.
sometimes i want to be proactive. do something about things... look past whatever and strive to be a constructive person... look for what God wants to do-- how is this a part of His perfect plan?
and then there are other times, i jsut want to give up because i'm so overwhelmed and it seems like it wouldn't really make a difference if i just lay down and died.
i have a lot of fears. if you know me you know i'mlike terrified of everything... i'm scared of change. and of the future. and right now... I"M SCARED. is that a crime?!?!?...

i dont' really know what i am trying to say. maybe just that it hurts me when people i thought were close to me don't understand me at all... or when they seem to get angry when i'm not being the most "mature" about eveyrthing... or when my priorities aren't in line... or when i just need reassurance... or when...

oh . right. evyerthing i do seems wrong these days. i guess i just dont' understand why people get upset with me. and i'm not talking about one specific person, it's several people.

why do people get angry/frustrated/disappointed when i dont' think or do or say the right things? when i'm upset about how things are? or when i just want to give up?
maybe i just need a tiny bit of support. since when are you supposed to get MAD at your friends for having problems?!?!... i'm not doing anything to anyone.... i dunno .

i can't even word this properly i'm just so frustrated and sad and scared and ...
i dunno. is that wrong? it seems like eveyrone else has a right to be those things except for me.

time travel

this is Jeremy Tao. (dont' make fun of how ugly i look in this picture please its from a lonnnnnnng time ago.)

jer used to go to UW... i met him when i was nine and he graduated university when i was in grade SEVEN. in my old old old "yahoo photos" page where i found this picture, i gave it the caption "superman". cuz yeha. jeremy loves superman. and when i was a kid... he was my superman. my big brother. my hero. he went to kwcac and taught sunday school but NEVER to me but somehow he still gave me special attention and brought me kinder surprises and took time to talk to me and hang out with me. he'd remember my birthday, send me emails on valentine's day, and in the beginning after he graduated, jeremy visited. he always made me feel special and cared for. as a kid, i can truly say, i believed that jeremy was the COOLEST BEST guy in the entire world.

today, jeremy got married. (congratulations!!!!!!!!!)

and i was so nervous... SOOOOoooOOOOOOoo nervous to go. see the thing is, when i was a kid i hung around with a lot of university students... talked to a lot of them... treasured alot of them. these people (well some of them) watched me grow up for four/five years of my life. these people inspired me. built me up. there were people about whom i DECLARED as a child, "i want to be JUST like her when i grow up", poeple who inspired me to seek after God, people who took care of me, people who believed in me. people i grew really emotionally attached to.

(i saw all these people minus kat and jo(obviously) and jeanne tonite. three of them are married. gahhhh)

some of these relationships were actually errr real i guess... and some of them remain strong to this day... some of them, because of distance and time were somewhatly severed, and some of them i think were just not what i percieved them to be. and today, i knew i was going to see some of these epople again... some of whom i havent' seen in years ... and just... i guess i was afraid for old feelings to come back. old wounds? old attachments? ... or afraid to see that everything was a lie? ... especially since lately, i've been hanging on to the "old days" alot. the times where people actually thought i was worth something. what if i saw these people and realized they never thought that at all?.. then what?

so i saw people today. and i survived. i can't say that every encounter was so meaningful. and to be honest there were some that i was really disappointed with. and i couldn't really "be myself" around alot of these people. but i AM very very grateful for the relationships that God has allowed me to keep... namely my ga, alan, janice... ppl like that...
and i am so thankful for jeremy. RIGHT before we left he was saying "some of you i havent' seen in so long because of distance or busyness... but you've made an impact on my life". i'm so thankful for the impact that all of these people have had on my life. and i'm so thankful for the impact that JEREMY has had on my life. i found teh card he wrote me when he graduated the other day... he said "so how's jr. high? lots of cute guys? anway, it was really cool getting to know you! i still think its amazing how you can talk to everyone! dont' worry, you will find lots of people to talk to after i leave (but you can still write me). The kids at church really look up to you and i know that you will continue to be a good role model and 'Big sister' to them. well, hope school and life go well, write me sometime and let me know what you're up to okay? And happy birthday. hope it's a great one! Your Friend, Jeremy"
...look at us now.

annnnnnnnnd
a bazillion thanks to carson who drove all the way to stc to drive me to richmond hill for the reception and then waited with me while i freaked out about seeing people and where to put my bag. and also drove around in circles over and over and over. haha you're a gem.
and to devinka who came to save me from my strandedness at t3c and then shop with me for TWO hours just to find a dress. haha :P ... i lub you dev paivaaaaa :D

and now we know

- the reason why it is neccessary for me to obtain false identification.
- the priorities of our best friend
- your number on the list
- the pride in your soul
- the number of times i cried tonight (five.)

"is it a night for raspberry tears?"
says the moon in hidden betrayal
the sheen of rain cutting like a blade

and now we know.

1,2,3, thankyous...

jobanana

doing silly things like raspberry ladie and taking pictures in teapots. being a constant this term. oh not to mention the past 15 years. for rides everywhere. for non stingyness especially now. movies. we like movies. i dont' say it enough...

pink

calling again and again. sticking around despite my ... me-ness. distrupting your day for me. laughs. jojo aaron auntie helen uncle kin and patrick. full house. a taste of last term and some comfortability. "things are different now". <3

shabba

ga jeh. since i was a little kid... huge helpings of your "pie" haha. dinner. believing. the way we can talk away 3, 4, 5 hrs like its nothing at all. driving me all the friggin way back to loo. "God's raving!" haha. we fit. and i love that and i love YOU. haha mushmushmush blehhhh...

"light will guide you home... and ignite your bones... and i will try to fix you."

on "better"

i take it all back.

ha. i'm almost laughing at my stupidity.

"... her hazard signs are all out."

and today? i'm on another escape. i thought those were over but apparently not.
space. time. air.

breathe.

SUMMER!!!
i like summer lalala i like summerrrrrrrr
summer is great ladeedaaaa... i guess its already been "summer" for a month and a bit now but it actually FEELS like summer now :) and i remember how much i love it.
time to reconnect with highschool friends... tan... drink cold stuff... lalala

i like summer.

p.s. the song on my blog rocks. and it was sent to me by JIFFY ... who... doesn't rock. so i guess it balances out!! :D ...
muahahahaha...

a bit of life

my tutorial was cancelled... blahhhh i walked all the way to hagey hall in the scorching heat. it's liek DEATH. jsut to find that the discussion group was cancelled... so i didn't get to see the cute boy haha and i had to walk all the way back to slc haha i swear i'm gonna get a heat stroke or something. timmy's has run out of iced cappucinos. aghhhhh...

ernest is running an earth day booth thing at slc and i got a "the only cure for litter is you" sticker for emzhei.. it's so big too hahaha.. yayyyy emzhei is coming this wknd!!
and they are showing this caribou film here in the slc great hall it's kinda funny ... ewww... "warble flies that lay eggs under their skin" that's what they just said. ew!

shows i love and wish i could still watch:
- FULL HOUSE
- XENA
... AHHHH i want both on dvd... but i am too poor.


kalypsobekka

i haven't posted her stuff in a long while. but i still love it. the little pieces of yourself that you find in her words. myself. i. in the words of a stranger.

to love is not the accomplishment
but to keep loving - kb

to keep ... doing anything. not just once.. but to continue to do it ... continue to believe in things.. continue to ... yeah.

the "ugh" list

. not being able to sleep
. not being able to sleep cuz it's so damn hot
. when you'd like nothing more than to walk away but you would never want that either.
. relapses
. university ave. is closed for construction. i'd forgotten about waterloo construction. how pointless it is and how much hassle it causes.
. don't talk to me early in the morning asking me a million questions. i will not answer.
. i don't have enough change for an icedcap, which i desperately need.

ugh. ughughughughghughgh. :P... just slightly annoyed.


edit (10:40) : oh but it's a BEAUTIFUL day outside! :D ... haha sweet. and i managed to scrounge enough change to get a small iced cap... ANNDDDD haha.. i saw greyeyedsurferboy today in history... i dind't talk to him :P.,.. but he smiled at me as he left. lalala
haha... shut up i know my life is boring haha

better



home life is getting better. i'm adjusting and i do appreciate my family alot of the time. of course, it's weird thinking that i'll be living here for the next year but aside from the fact that its really far from everyone next year, home is okay.

my mom, haha, she is a worry wart but she does a lot of things for me without my asking... like the other week she cleaned my room for me while i was at campus challenge.. haha i think they just couldn't take it anymore but still, it was really nice... and i feel bad that i dont' tell her more that i appreciate the things that she does for me. i guess we often have personality clashes but i really appreciate the fact that she is always thinking of me. i think we're learnign from eachother... and that makes me smile.

my dad, well.. haha we usually get along because i am and always will be daddy's little girl haha... i'm a princess. i do really appreciate my dad becuase... i always feel like he really loves me. we get along him and i. we're similar. but his life was a lot more difficult than mine and i can always see the heart he puts into the things that he does. that's why any time anyone is mean to my father i cry haha. i cried last week becuase someone was joking aroudn about how joanna's dad's opinion was better than my dad's opinion or something. it was so idiotic but it pissed me off. haha. anyways. yeah. i like my father.

my sister... haha... i think its funny because my sister and i used to fight aLOT. well we still do.. but not as much. she's not bad sometimes.. haha she's in grade 7 now so she's more ... errr normal i guess. we can have conversations. skepticise at the women we think are hitting on our father hahahaha... she likes to tell me about stuff that's happening with the people at her school haha.. sometimes its kind of interesting to hear. she likes my friends. she's a hottie. haha she is! ... only, she needs to pluck her eyebrows. and also she needs to stop watching so much friggen american idol haha :P ..

anyways, my point? home is become more... home-ey. it's not PERFECT. dont' get me wrong. probably in about half an hour i will be fed up again, or something but i just wanted to write this down now. while i really am appreciating things. finally, better.

frustration

i can't think of any other word to describe my emotions at the moment.
and i recently made a committment to myself to try my best not to let my emotions control me... becuase i have seen what that can do to me... and it's not really pretty.

but right now its like... do you ever have all these things eating at you and they are just out of your control?.. and you just want to cry and yell and kick something and hug someone and punch someone and throw up and i dunno.. ALL AT THE SAME TIME???

ugh. i'm ok. really i'm okay but i'm just... frustrated i guess.

anyways, i came home and made myself some comfort food (KD!!!! wheee), curled up on my couch with it and watched some Golden Girls. :)

mmm doesn't kd just make everything sunny again? haha

hello june

what a way to start a month... and i mean that in a good way.

however, although events are far removed from me, it still seems like hardly a time to be giddy or excited... but i think it *is* a time to joyfully, and thankfully reflect.

useful thoughts:

. things are better when you don't need them, but still appreciate them
. action
. God's timing is perfect. ... it is. time and time again... it is.
. life. well, things get so much bigger when you don't feel so immortal. when you realize that time is limited. sometimes, things that happen to friends of friends can still serve as a reminder. don't waste precious things.
. CHANGE and JOY both come from being close to God. at least in me, these things dont' come any other way.

... so here's to my next breath. and to summer's highs*(flipflops and fruitfrenzies).