outside blue skies shine and wind kisses the trees. but exams are here and the rustling of papers and bustling in the halls shakes me. cardboard boxes being packed away, the sounds of sisters you will never really see again.

well, see, yes. but that's jsut not the same.

people just can't understand i guess. but i'm trying to. and it's not easy holding in screaming tears, swallowing them, like a bitter powder. your tongue dries like dust, it clings to the roof of your mouth as you try and smile.

for my own sake, and for the sake of others, i will try harder than hard to keep a happy face on. to live these last 3 weeks with anticipation and gratitude.

play on.

bestday tuesdays, yellow and blue
spring has arrived in waterloo...(?)



[me and my mother goose... wheee blue skies smiling][frisbee! quyen and marilyn][aneta]
[jo][across the water lol][dev, quyen, maril, jasy]

hockey night in waterloo!
emzhei: it's over??? who won?!?!?! (it's okay emz, i'm not much better)




[me anna lorna and betty][waiki filming betty][me and emz: hoodie buddies]
[anna and alex][roommies*][wheeeeeeee!!! go team!]

oh tuesdays never fail :)

"this time is the last time"
trying to make it great.

i LOVE my don.

how things are

a lot of people have been asking me whether or not things are okay. my mom's been calling me a lot to see if things are okay.
thing is, i don't even wanna talk about stuff to most people. i just want things to get better. not saying it's not nice when ppl ask cuz it's like whoa you notice that i'm alive. and the people i actually did talk to ... or trust.... the little worlds that i could go to ... those are falling apart becuase i've just become a burden.

everything is my fault so i have no right to complain.

so i'm going to disappear for a while. i will be "around" but not around. it'll be good. then maybe i can get back to before when i wasn't a pain in the ass. i think you know when to draw back when ppl just give up on you. when you're not worth the time anymore. and i'm really not bitter. honest. i just am glad i found the limits so i dont' cross them again.

happy things

trying to bring some cheer into this place...

today:
- rehearsed the skit for the convention (tomorrow at slc great hall at 6:30pm)haha was funny ... "but it's LUST ... not LOVE!" and "MI MA MOO MA MAYYYYYY" haha
- got floor wear!!!!... i got my black track pants :) they are so cute :) keeeee
- the girlies all came back! :) so nice. got to pseudo hang out with everyone for a bit :)
- carson's testimonial :)

repeat after me.-- "happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of travelling."

in terms of "comfortable"

i was merely stating that nothing stays the same. that things that become really important to me crumble not long after they have seemed to become "stable". it happens a LOT. anything could be a little world-- last term i thought that a bunch of girls on our floor would be my best friends for the rest of my life and this term we have to try REALLY hard to schedule eachother in for lunch. i thought my best friends from higshchool would be forever and we got split apart by distance and sometimes, sometimes we can sit there and have nothing in common anymore. that scares me. because i'll trust things and then they change. or fall apart.
i NEVER said i wanted anyone or anything to be perfect!
hell, why would i even think such a thing??? as unperfect as I am, i would never expect others to be the opposite or think things would not be hard sometimes but...
gawd. i am not wallowing in self pity or trying to create problems for myself to whine or complain about. if you think that, that all i do is whine and cry about nothing important then maybe you don't know me as well as i thought you did. and if you think that then why even bother talking to me?
i'm not complaining. all that post was abotu was that you have to stay on your toes. to be able to adapt to change instead of remaining comfortably stagnant in what you love. because things don't last forever.
and p.s. the post wasn't about any specific person, group, place, or incident.

i just needed to explain myself.

comfortable

she keeps forgetting not to get comfortable.
it happens often that whenever she does this, gets comfortable, things will up and change and get all like when you lose your page when you're reading.

and also that she can never run away. even when she's found a new little world that she can go to because it's not attached to the old one... eventually, she realizes that the problem is not so much the world that she was in, but it was her. and everywhere she goes, she carries this sort of disease with her. it just takes a little while for it to settle in.

"your love was comfortable and so broken in"

oh well.

realization

a realization that things are not right jsut because whoever says they are.
that i'm getting a little bit older as much as i would like to stay a baby.
there's a reason i prefer long yellow tables or greenyblue sheets to the sound of the callzone operator. there's a reason i dont' hang on to your every word anymore and relish with such intensity the prospect of seeing you again, drop everything for one minute in your presence.
i spin in my chair and smile because i have not done anything wrong.

my turn :P

its been a rough week... sometimes your'e just kind of hit. i know i'm not the only one who's been blah... i'm sure that i have the LEAST problems of anyone. my life is so small and so blessed. but things are not always easy anyways ... so i thought i'd jsut share what i have learned, relearned, and been reminded of. (thus far)

1. my SISTER (of all people) reminded me earlier this weekend that God has a plan. God has a plan that's bigger than me and bigger than all of this. and how could i have forgotten after all that stuff last year...:
"consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
james 1:2-4

2. i have this friend who was born on the same day as me but is a gazillion times wiser. "whisper words of wisdom" .. thanks to 'the mother goose' for unmatchable patience and understanding... for being a 'dreamer' with me haha (p.s. dont' forget to take your own advice. and take care of yourself).:
"make each moment countand really live each and every moment.. sometimes, it's not about what's coming next and what there is to look forward to.. it's about what's now, what's here, who's here.. and feeling good now.. not putting my happiness off until later.. but making myself live it now.. making myself find one positive thing each day and looking for the good things in the day and making sure that i decide to take care of myself, and try to keep myself happy.. because if i'm not happy, then how can i possibly make other people happy?"

3. i have this other friend who probably sees me the most out of anyone and still puts up with me (for now). "of all the crap we've been through...we're still friends. that MUST mean something." see, in life there are always downs. WAY lows. but then you bounce back up. "we have our off days" one moment you could be wearing all blue and feeling prickly and then the next moment you could be laughing so hard that you poke yourself in the eye... things happen. but you jsut have to continually learn and grow from them. and you come out stronger because of it.

4. one last thing, i talked to Chris tonite for the first time in a long while. it was good. really good. anyways background music was playing and this Amanda Marshal song came on:
"When this trouble passes over
You and I will walk away
Knowing that our love survived
Another test of faith
Cause you and I can walk on water
The river rises, we rise above
It may not look that way right now
But trust me, baby....this is love
One more mountain
Hey...so what
Trust me baby...this is love." (Trust me : Amanda Marshal)

... trying... for now, to 'travel in the manner of happiness'.

what's better?

what's better than being flopped out on a squishy bed attempting to draw, doing algebra, and listening to Dreamer, the sun streams through the window, it's getting to be the colour of tangerines and canteloupe...

"i'm living in a dream a fantasy"

problems disappear in the melancholy, lost in the smell of nail polish
and flickering of lamp light.

let's just freeze time. take some time and freeze it.

for one moment... i am content. no, happy.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i jsut wanna go *splat*
RIGHT NOW.

ugh.

what love is

really, it's not pretty
it isn't usually.

once in a long while,
it's champaigne roses and hearts
cut out and written on
which is lovely, but

more often, love is less chocolatey

love is two straws instead of one,
and lately
it is two or three in the morning long distance
phonecalls
tears stinging your face
after a day of lime-green humiliation
when you think you can never look into someone's eyes again
but they call you the very next day because nothing has changed
and talk about the better things that you are.
love is a blue bowl of instant noodles soup
eyes opened wide and a back flung against a door
love is a grilled-chicken wrap on white
it is the smell of
sitting on a bed wrapped up in
not your own blanket
and not saying a
thing
love is the sting of a smack
or the claw of a nail
or a scream
--you wince,
reminding you to wake up
or do better
love is the offering of an ear or some other body part
even though it knows it won't be taken,
love is an ab-workout laugh, a comment on a blog post,
cold icecream on your nose,
eeeeeeeee's and AHHHHH's, watching the same movie and listening to the same song
over and over and over
it is long yellow tables and desserts
pouring out your heart like apple juice.
sometimes love is a day of the week-- a tuesday. or a wednesday,
love is weird stuffed animals that you steal
and they let you
and it's discovering that you've been on the mind
of an old friend that's been on yours.
love is a lifetime. (forget the reason or the season)

note to self: sometime, when you're sad, come back to remember all these things.

sometimes, love isn't lovely. but at least it's there.

hi...! i like tuesdays. (except that our "routine" was slightly changed today. *eye twitch* i don't like change!!! hahaha jk... i'm ok)
... just a sec--

change of character:
hiiiii i just wanted all of you to go and listen to this song.. date rape by sublime. now, don't be scared by the name.. it's actually a story.. beginning, middle, climax, falling drama, conclusion ANNNNNNNNNNNND there's a moral.. "the moral of the date rape story, it does not pay to be drunk and horny". so, i made jasmine listen to this song the other day, and at first, she was like "you're such a freak" BUT by the end of she was laughing at the song. (she recommends it too! although she will tell you otherwise). no, i'm really NOT this weird, just bored at the moment. l8r days. -- L.

the interview

[first of all i do NOT recommend the date rape song lol]
but yes, the interview. haha...what an experience!!!
at first, it was okAYYY... i gave him a FIRM handshake, using EYECONTACT hahahha... and then he asked me a bunch of questions that i felt prepared to answer ...
then, all of a sudden, he looks at me and is like "well, since this is an interactive job, it's also an interactive interview!" and proceeds to pull out this shiny green GIFT BAG and inside are a bunch of RANDOM things:
- an octagon shaped mat
- a plastic mountain
- three bouncy balls
- a furby
- a plastic kinderegg flower
- a toy solar powered car (i had to ask him what this was)
- and a pair of goggles.

so the guy is like "you get to pick who i am, child, adult, teenager, senior, anything and what i want you to do is create an interaction between us using these objects" ... seriously my heart started racing. *what am i supposed to do with all these random random objects?!??!* especially since i told him one of my strengths was "creativity" ... AGHHh... well this was definitely "creative", to say the least:

him: so who do you want me to be?
me: ... a five year old child.
him: okay, what should i do?
me: ... okAYYYY ... so! today, we're going to pretend that we're scientists! so here, put these goggles on!
him: [puts on the goggles hahahahhaa] wow! what are these things???
me: [i put the mountain on the mat]this is... MARS! [set out the furby, flower, and car] you get to pick whether you want to be the [point at furby] ALIEN, martian flower, or the solar powered car!!
him: wow! i wanna be the alien!
me: cool! i'll be the car... [look at the balls, i have NO idea what they should be *what's round? what's round????* THESE... are BOMBS!! you get to throw your bomb at my car, and i will throw my bomb at your alien and we'll see which one bounces higher!

after doing that, he ended the interaction *whew* and the rest of the interview went smoothly. so i leave, and i think to myself "BOMB??? what was i THINKKING??? that is so VIOLENT!!!!!" i started thinking of other things i could have done instead. i get outside and i realize, i forgot my PURSE int he interview room. >.< so i had to go BACk to get it. and while waiting outside (because someone else was being interviewed) i txted alison and called janna to FREAK OUT. hahha felt good to go crazy. hahah... luckily, the guy was so nice about eveyrthing and i even told him another idea i had for the toys as i was picking up the purse hahaha...

so, i probably won't get this job, but hey! what an experience! and he'll probably remmeber me! :P .. whee...

the fight

the battle is over... i think. a fight between metal and physical states.. and mental wins hands down...
except that it too was defeated... by "mommy" and a grilled chicken wrap.
*sigh*

but in a sense though, actually in every sense.... i'm thankful. [thank you] because i think i scared myself a bit. not to mention others [i'm sorry].

i'm not saying things are okay. they are far from being okay. but i'm not gonna pull something like that again... kinda selfish and stupid. but wounds can really blind you. just goes to show how deep words can cut.

to all the froshies i hold *dear* (you know who you are)

janna posted this on her blog... and i just HAD to post it too... it makes me really sad though. shed a tear.

A year has passed and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything, and yet nothing being the same.

In two months we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we
hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends. We will go back to the places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before that. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even though it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday.

As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. The memories and the stories from school won't mean anything to anyone at home and yet you resent them for that, that they can't share that happiness with you.

Who will you call first? What will you do your first weekend home with your friends? How long before you actually start missing people barging in without calling or knocking? Who will get pizza at three in the morning with you now? How long until you adjust to sleeping alone in a room again?

Then you start to realize how much things have changed, and you realize the hardest part of university is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's travelling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:30am classes, and the perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we lived in it for eighteen years.

But it is different now. We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know who we have kept in touch with over the past year and who we hold dearest in our hearts. We've left our high school world to deal with the real world. We've had our hearts broken, we've fallen in love, we've helped our best friends overcome depression, stress and death, and we've stayed up all night on the phone just to talk to a friend in need. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families needed us, and there are times we know we have made a difference.

Two months from now we will leave. Two months from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random email and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world.

Two months from now we will arrive. We will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought
us to laughter and tears over the year. We will unpack old dreams and memories that have been put away for the past year. In two months we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in some way, we will find our place between these two completely different worlds.

Are you ready?

ugly noise

*makes ugly noise here.

(haha clara)

interview

i have an interview tomorrow for ontario science center...
i need a job for coop... so pray for me?

to God

i'm sorry.... but i'm scared. and a bit desperate.

have you ever been humiliated to the point of ...i dont' even raelly know what point that is. but you feel like your guts are gonna spill out on to the ground. you've just been made to feel like absolutely nothing. actually, you do feel like something. you feel stupid and ugly and unworthy. and all this by someone who's suppOSED to love you more than ANYONE ELSE.

... and you're made to feel like this... look like this in front of someone who you DO actually care about alot, someone whose opinion you really DO care about, someone who up until TODAY you were able to laugh with, talk to, eat with, grow with, without having to think every second that your'e not worthy to be their friend because you're like .. your'e just really not good enough for anyone.
i shouldnt' even be shopping in the same stores...

there is nothing to really do... i'm not going to go scream and shout at the person who made me feel like this. because, maybe they said it out of love? maybe they they didnt' realize how much it would hurt you... i dont' know. but i have to believe that. i have to. and maybe it's my fault. maybe if i just... made myself better, skinnier, ... i dunno.
all there is to do is say "next" like laura always says... "next." on to the next thing. life goes on. i just hate it that it has to go on with feeling like THIS.
all i've done is sobbed in my bed, screamed, skipped dinner, and thrown stuff around-- but what effect does that create? ... none.

because i'm still the same ugly, unworthy person.

on the number five

can i say how thankful i am for as far as i can count
on one hand?
for the ten eyes captured in a booth every four months,
look how things have changed,
can you feel it?
it's not just a digital image
it's real live 'stuff'
that's hard to physically pinpoint except
for if you pay some attention to
tears
that have stained and the ones that still flow.
Wounds? yes.
but ask yourself this,
can a flower grow without rain?(not to mention those tears that come out of incontrollable laughter
or movements of the heart),
for flatulence and cold icecream on five tongues,
for screaming and sharing,
and for roses and too many random moments
that i would draw but my sharpie's dead.

but mostly this "real stuff" can't be reduced to five senses,
"the best and most beautiful things in life can't be
seen or even heard, they must be felt with the heart"
helen keller says it best
because love is not something you can see
and neither is sisterhood.

if you really think about it,
i'm not merely talking about a hand, or even five points on a star,
i'm talking about how five petals have grown around a Center
and how its a pretty gorgeous flower.

on the number five plus One
on six.

"and it's a long way home, i've been searching for a long time"
and still searching.. plus can't get that song out of my hEADD..

are you ever jsut so annoyed and even angry about stuff... like "please don't comment until you actually UNDERSTAND what happened" or "is it neccessary for you to be so ... EXCESSIVE???" ... but then you just stop and think "Am i like that?"
i think i'm learning a little bit. now if only i could stop faster... sometimes my mouth is faster tahn my mind. alot.

...baby steps baby steps... i like to think that bit by tiny bit i'm growing up? that i've changed a little bit for the better?



this is what i wanted to do today but i had to study instead. and now there is no more packing snow. but i only have one mitten anyways *tear* so it probably would have been somewhat of a struggle to build a snowman *sigh* ...


and I LOVE HOOPS AND YOYO HOOPS AND YOYO! ... well i have for quite some time. but i jsut discovered the DOLLIES and i want one. and also i felt like sharing witht he rest of the world their funniness!

and i just have to say that, i like tuesdays. (generally)

wow. i cant' believe it's already march.

it's snowing more and more and MORE.

hey you know what's really great? ... laughing so hard that your eyes tear up and your eyeliner runs, until your stomach hurts and you can't breathe.
and your face hurts from grinning. and you forget anything that's been bugging you because you're just having too much fun... for hardly any real reason at all.

thanks :)