Christmas is in 5 days

Last year, Christmas was a BUST. This year it just seems to be slipping right by me.
I haven't done a single bit of Christmas shopping, i just noticed that our Christmas tree has been half set up, sometime when i wasn't home (probably studying or writing finals). There are only about three houses on our whole street with their lights up.
My blog banner is STILL November as i write this-- but hopefully i'll change it tonight.

Even the weather is forgetting Christmas. The lawns are green. The temperature -- 2 degrees?

I'm finding it difficult to aquire any Christmas spirit whatsoever. It's slipping by me, it's slipping by everyone else too by the looks of it.

I will just DIE if someone types in my comments "you're missing the meaning of christmas". I am not missing the meaning of christmas-- i am simply stating that the festivities and excitement, the bustle and cheer that are generally associated with this season are amiss.

Studying economics at SLC with a tin of Shanghai noodles.

Me: Omg these are so good! I haven't had them in forever! Remember when they used to have these on the steam table? That was the best time of my life!

Kat: Yeah. It was too much work.

Me: Yeah but it was still the best time of my life!

Kat: .... we were young and naive.

Did you know?

did you know this was what happened to candy canes when you put them in hot chocolate for a little while?



I didn't.

The human version of Roz from Monster's Inc. is sitting across the room from me. Not joking. Just change her hair from grey to brown.

turkey cold cuts

Turkey in a cold cut tastes like PAPER.

I keep trying to find something to compare it to but paper is the closest thing i can think of. The texture is like paper. The taste is like paper plus something else i can't put my finger on.

Real turkey is way better. I wished i was American over this past weekend.

Okay, maybe not American but IN America? Absolutely!

I wish i was there for turkey on thursday and then I wish i was there for Black Friday.

Pause for Melodrama!

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

Yes i'm talking about procrastination.

*giggle*

Back to the profiling and analyzing of the White Rose movement!!!

my inner child

my inner child likes to skip.

monday aka the day from hell

sometimes i truly believe that mondays were sent from the depths of hell for the soul purpose of torturing me and perhaps drive me insane.
My time on campus on mondays extend from 8:30 am to 10pm -- that's 13.5 hrs. over half the day including sleep.

OOOOOH! :D a TURNAROUND!

i CAME on here to whine about how my mondays suck and i fell in the mud and i want to cry!

but then Jess comes in and yayyyyy and then Alison calls and now i am going to ML for Tims. :)

Hope for monday!!! (yes, i'm a dork shut up)

my return to humanization

hi. i'm back. (oh look, it's november!)

world vision
I'm part of the world vision UW chapter and we did this One Life Experience event on monday... basically its like you walk through this replica of places in an African village while listening to the life of a child affected by AIDS in Africa... and there's like a photo exhibit and a prayer wall at the end and some fundraising stuff... we're trying to raise 15 000 to build a well and also raise some money to stock medical clinics and purchase medication to prevent mother to child HIV transmission... i think the event went pretty well... i dunno.. i like doing stuff liek this. i feel like i'm actually using my time to do something i really care about. and i'm meeting some cool people too :)

i met this one girl whose first year roommate told her she was going to hell for reading cosmo!!! LOL "meet you there" was her response *snickers* (so thankful for kat)

dooly's

is way, WAY nicer on the inside than on the outside! chris, dev, maril, and katrina came up from toronto on friday to visit :) and along with kat and emz, we decided to do something "new" lol and go play pool! ok, so i didn't really play pool. me and chris just sat at the bar "grey's anatomy style" and ranted about life :) it was nice. i really miss her. damn pharmacy stealing my friends haha ;) ... after that, we went to sweet dreams and had bbt and a very violent game of errrrmm whatsitcalled that game where you slap the deck when the card and the number called match? and THEN we went back to my place and watched Uptown Girls haha even though me and emz were the only two who stayed away.

I miss first year. (oh, and someone left their bra in my basement! its still an unsolved mystery :P probably funnier left unsolved :P)

today
Today two very happy things happened to me-- me and kat got starbucks and i got my dearly beloved caramel machiatto ... AND!!!! i bought the Fray cd, finally. mmmm nothing like the smell of new cd :D

and one more happy thing is going to happen in an hour:
Janna, Laura, and i are going to have lunch at V1!!!!
HRAYYY!!!! RES FOOOOD!!!!!

Spicy chicken here i come!

ahhh, it's good to be social again. ;)

oh no WAY!!!

it's SNOWING.

montreal madness

This past weekend, the cheungs, jo, herman, and i headed up to montreal in a packed van for Jackson and Rebecca's wedding (congrats you guys!!!). The wedding was beautiful and it was fun running around like fools in downtown montreal and shopping too!

several highlights from this weekend:

While sitting at the banquet, i decided i didnt' want to finish my salad. Of course, i'm sitting beside Eric Cheng so he's going on at me about how i shouldn't waste it so impusively, i turn around to the random guy sitting behind me and i'm like "Hey! Want some more salad?" and he goes "Sure!" and takes the plate from me, finishing up my salad. Apparently, for the rest of the night the guy was looking over my shoulder at every course! LOL .. and by dessert, he goes to me "hey... i can help you finish that if you want" -- i'm like DUDE this is chocolate mousse! well, i didnt' say that but i was like "umm no... i want this... but you can have this if you want" Pointing at the yellow berry garnish. And he goes "OKAY!" and snatches the berry off my plate and eats it!! lol best dinner ever.

We wanted to stop and get poutine before heading back to waterloo--

Uncle Michael: Should we go get PO-tine?
Auntie Sandy: No!! that isn't how you say it!! Say it like me-- PRO-tine.
LOL

I had a good weekend. :) and now i am going to go eat thanksgiving dinner! tata

i love SCH lunches with my ppic. : )

the answer

i think i've figured it out.

why have i been like this?

i was so confused because i just felt nothing but utter indifference. And usually, if you know me, you know that i am rarely indifferent. and usually i feel great extremes.

but finally, today, i got angry about something. And i'm so glad i did, because it actually felt pretty good to CARE about something. and then when i stepped back and took a look at it. I realized, maybe it wasn't even such a big deal, but it did hold possible answers to my "behaviour" over the past few weeks.

i think i just got sick of trying. i got sick of always being the one to bug people to go out and do this and that. i got sick of always being the one to call or message. of being the one who called around to get people together. of being the one who WANTED to spend time with my friends and feeling like i always had to take the initiative. I got sick of being "slotted" into people's plans. Got sick of caring all the time what other people wanted and what other people felt. Got sick of fulfilling other people's expectations. Maybe the birthday thing even factored into it a bit-- maybe that's when i realized "why should i even give a crap about other people anymore? why don't i just take care of myself?" becuase even when thinking about what was supposed to be MY day, i was still having it revolve around other people.
Maybe something subconciously snapped in me. And i just started reclusing. And i wont' lie, i've been enjoying it. Just being with ME. and hardly needing to worry about other people. Selfish? Maybe. but i know that usually, most other people do this. Take care of themselves and worry about other people second.

Thing is, i didn't do this on purpose. Maybe i just wanted to start protecting myself so badly... and i am a person of extremes... that i went from all to NOTHING. really fast. i just got very very ... jaded.

I just want to find a healthy balance.

as of late

i haven't posted much because i just really haven't really been much of a fan of ..errr.. communication or connection with anyone. HA! ... so sad.

My desire for social interaction has dissapated almost entirely.
Mostly i just havec indifference left.
On some days, desire is replaced with dread.

For now i will attribute it to my monthly visitor... although, this has been going on long before it came around...

other than that, it's freezing cold. i love joanna's laptop. and i bought a poster today.

adios.

hold that thought

alright so the birthday plans are on hold again.

it's just that sometimes-- i wear blinders. i have my mind and heart set on something and i just look right straight ahead. i kind of kill my peripheral vision. i dont' look at any options because all that i can see and think about is that. whatever that is.

I've had a "voice of reason"less summer-- which, is a person by the way. But then i just spoke with that voice... and, not saying i'm changing my mind on things... but i do see the need to take off the blinders and give it a good, fair, thinking-through. Otherwise, i may do something i regret later.

It's just confusing sometimes.. because i'm not always sure what is important. In fact, i'm often not.

birthday plans (attempt 2)

So here's what i'm thinking i want to do for my birthday-- it's not set in stone obviously, but i'm getting a bit excited about it (which is probably bad because i'll most likely end up bitterly disappointed but i just wanted to give it a chance) ...

well! During the day (this is Saturday, September 16th)... I want to go back to Grand Bend!
I want to lie on the beach and swim and eat cake and drink pina coladas. =) (obviously this means good weather must hold out, but *crossing my fingers* sept 15th usually is still pretty warm)

and then at night, i want to go to Phil's.

*smiling proudly at my newly formulated plan*

i believe in the sand beneath my toes

just got back from a cottage in grand bend for a few days with my sA girlies! --- what an EXCEPTIONAL three days!!!! :D

It was SO, SO good to just be able to all be together and relaxed-- no one stressing about school or other committments-- just allowing ourselves to enjoy eachother's company, eight girls lazy and laughing. :) Well, not TOO lazy considering we did all help cook four fantastic feasts. FEASTS. seriously, we were always so stuffed! The first night we had cheeseburgers with like lettuce and tomato and we had corn on the cob and baked potato... the next day for brunch we had eggs, bacon, potatoes, grilled cheese, toast, fruit salad (like apples, pineapple, pears, grapes, all chopped up together... last night for dinner we marinated and skewered chicken, mushrooms, onions, green pepper, and cucumbers and bbq'd them, plus we bbqed hotdogs, and corn on the cob, made baked potato again and we made our own margaritas... and then this morning we had the baked potato from the night before along with some failed pancakes, cucumber and bologna sandwiches, cheerios, milk, and fruit salad, and regular salad! TADAAAAAA!!!! I am so impressed by us. Quyen was soooo skilled with her working the grill and all haha i dubbed her the "dad" of the wknd-- and of course, maril's always the mother of the bunch-- eating her corn very clean and helping me put on afterbite and stuff lol... Our meals were very picturesque. We ate outside on a picnic table by the bbq, with really pretty johnson&johnson candles burning to keep away the mosquitos, and at night with a lamp in the middle of the table to light it, with music playing through the window, and with our food spread out in front of us, honestly it was awesome.

Other than stuffing our faces-- our cottage was a one minute walk from the beach, so we spent a lot of time there, swimming and suntanning to our hearts' delight-- listening to katrina read, playing with the "fun ball", hanging on to the green floaty thing for dear life while being knocked around by waves, making foot prints in the sand and hearing maril scream bloody murder when the waves destroyed them, taking a million pictures...that kinda stuff.-- and there was a strip mall by the beach so we went shopping there too and we all bought the same ring (plus one for kat and emz too who were mia), we also went to goderich yesterday beucase it was raining out and we went shopping haha, we lay around the cottage listening to music and braiding eachother's hair, and we watched a LOT of Grey's Anatomy (i think we were up til 6am today watching grey's... but h'ray! i'm caught up!!!). Surprisingly, other than the margaritas there was no alcohol consumption lol which i originally DID want to play "I Have Never" but now i'm glad we didn't drink because it reminded me of first year, when we could just chill a whole lot and not drink at all and laugh hysterically and love eachother and have a blast without going anywhere or doing anything special.

Some of my favourite moments:

- maril's freaky scream hahaha
- me jo and maril posing as "charlie's angels" and trying to photograph our shadows and having chris and dev staring at us from afar being like "what the..."
- all meals.
- quyen's baywatch imitation && "I LOOK ONCE MORE!" hahaha
- sitting on the pull out couch with chris and dev and maril, and Graduation by Vitamin C playing and everyone incl jo katrina and aneta swaying lol -- well, actually i'm not sure kat and aneta were swaying .. but they were helping us keep time haha

- STARGAZING-- we went out to the beach around 11pm last night and honestly it was BEAUTIFUL. we could see all the constelations-- and the big dipper was RIGHT in front of us over the water, you barely had to look up. it was like looking at the painting of the water and the sky and the big dipper was huge right above the water...

- CAKE-eating.... okay so quyen's bday is on friday and so we had cake for her-- but it was special beucase we at it ON the beach. we had our mat spread out, and the cake was right in the middle and the 8 of us we lay all around it, and just ate it directly out of the tray with our forks right on the beach with the sun shining down on us. :) "i have never"...

there were more fun things too but those are the ones that come to mind right now :) the stargazing and the cake on the beach was pretty sweet and i'm hoping people send pics fast becuase i want to paint those two things i think... :) ... anyways now i'm back and i'm sad. goodbye's are really hard (chris is going to pharmacy at ut in the fall) and i guess things aren't going to be the exact same. but ya know, these girls, they're like sisters. and we stick by eachother. so i know that things are going to be okay.

*finger wiggle* (lol maril)

august's first "note to self"

something everyone knows but, that i myself often do not put into practice-- someone gave me this advice yesterday and i thought i'd jot it quickly down:

"Never say anything to anyone about anyone that you would not be willing to say to that person's face."

Simple. Yet saves you so, so much trouble.
Gossip is a snowball.

riddle

the stronger she gets, the weaker i get
she's getting beyond arm's reach, yet her hand is fastened onto my heart
it's scary how much alike we are, but how different,
almost as frightening as her adamant resolve to stay.

sloppy seconds

there are two days in the year i anticipate greatly-- christmas and my birthday.
christmas time is jsut a really happy time. and eveyrone's really happy and giving and everything around is just joyous. Although this past christmas was a total flop complete with conflicts and tears.
why do i like birthdays? because, for me, i don't feel special or appreciated very often. and on my birthday it's like the one day where i can feel cared about and like no one's gonna have excuses on why not to be with me. i can pick whatever i want to do and people will do it with me. i get to spend all this time with my friends and feel like i really matter. and everyone gets ONE of these every year. ONE day. and that ONE day that i get, is really important to me.
so, me being me, i started getting really excited months ahead of it and planning out what i'm going to do and stuff and telling people who will not be in waterloo to come up on the 16th (saturday, day after my bday) to celebrate with me. i chose saturday becuase the 15th is a friday and since a bunch of my friends attend ccf on friday nights i felt it would be okay to celebrate on the saturday instead especially since i share my birthday with my friend laura who would probably want to celebrate on the 15th as well. i had all these ideas and plans on how to make my 20th, worthy of a two decade celebration.

but there's no point in celebrating something when the reason you're celebrating no longer exists.

and there was a point tonight where i was just so boiling mad. but now, i'm not. i'm just hurt and sad.

so my birthday is cancelled. that is all.

three things:

WINGS + CAESAR'S = LOVE

secondly, i dont' care what anyone says-- pms exists. it deeply and truly exists. haha i have cried so often for no reason in the past week its just ridiculous.

lastly-- i think i need to quit being such a ... i dunno snob? i dunno what's wrong with me .. sometimes just word vomit comes out and i feel like i'm saying things that should really be left unsaid.

haloscan

there are several things i love about the commenting system i use. first of all, it allows me to ban people from commenting. and therefore, i am able to ban those individuals who cause me discomfort.
and! before, haloscan used to delete comments that were over four months old, but last night i discovered it restored to me all of my comments so i can go back to several years ago and read comments from back then yayyy =) what an effective time-waster!

july

can't believe july is half over.

i hate when you have so much to say that you can't say anything at all.

random goodtimes of july:
- sauble of course
- weekly WINGSnights* with christie jo kat carson (and this wk jacq!)
- waiki's visit
- weddingcrashers with kwcac girls
- mikey's "milkshake" chats
- practical jokes (cough)
- coffeehouse
- alison, alice, and steph visit! =)
- bbt with aaron ryan carson jess alice steph alison (i suck at slapjack)

... and other than that, i just can't believe how abruptly things end. it's hard to know how to deal with goodbyes.. how not to make things so *final*, but yet, to treasure the time you have left. i should take more pictures.

kreazeless meets sauble : canada day wknd 06


[in chronological order]:

"a doe!... a deer!" shouts dora, on the way there upon spotting a deer. haha which caused us to start this whole "i sing everything i say" bit bahaha

finally found an lcbo and then beach towels at giant tiger

first day everything seemed like it was going to go SO well! we got the tent up so perfectly, spent a few hours at the beach sunbathing, started to grill our burgers on our japanese hot pot grill and then....
...it breaks. so we had to build a fire (skillz) and roast the rest of the burgers on there. haha but it was okay. it dindt' ruin the night. we sat back on our "tarp" (becuase we forgot to bring lawn chairs :P) and drank and ate and were crazy. =) drove to the bathroom a couple times ya know...

'course, the morning comes very quickly. we're greeted by a very cross dora. (mind you, everyone except me was in their "time of the month" or premenstrual)
"GET up." says dora. "what timmme is it?" says kat. "is it 1:30?"

it was 7:30am.
haha so then we drove to the bathroom and got to the beach by 8:30 which was actually really nice beucase we pretty much had it to ourselves.
we made a sandcastle. a very practical one at that!
dora: the royal family put ME in charge of the defenses! these are the arrow towers.
jasy: what are we defending against?
dora: you'll be sorry when i make an army to attack the castle.
...i made some stairs for the interior. jo made a giant squirrel crawling up on the castle. and kat made a turd-looking tower. we made tuna and chicken salad sandwiches for lunch and ate on the beach :)

for the rest of that entire day we really did nothing except lie on the beach and that's how i got SO burnt and dark. until dinner time when we walked SO far for dinner, and everyone was in a crap crap mood except for me who was excessively nervous and trying to "keep the peace" even when there wasn't any peace to be kept. and we ended up eating at this family restaurant beucase it started pouring rain.
then we went back to the beach and sat in the car for hours and hours. no one talked. i got fed up and decided to go to a little cafe called Two Chicks Cafe which i decided is one of my favourite places in the world. i got an iced cap (thye have the BEST icedcaps ever) and checked my email. i debated seriously on buying everyone drinks to cheer them up, then headed back and slept some more. we were waiting for the fireworks. the fireworks were scheduled to start at 10. we'd finished dinner at 6. so at like 9ish. suddenly, it's very urgent for us to go back to the campsite to get a this flashlight that died the night before to charge it. hahahahhahaa i'm actually laughing outloud as i write this. so we LEAVE our "spot" that we've hogged and sat waiting in for the past 3 hours. and drive back to the campsite. of course, we get LOST. and that makes everyone that much more grumpy. then we get back to the campsite and ask the people whether or nto we can get our deposit back if we leave a night early... then we grab the flashlight-- only to find-- it works! so we didn't charge it afterall. then as we're driving back to the beach it starts pouring rain. and when we get there, all the cars are leaving.
no fireworks.
so we sit in the car agaIN. the sunset is beautiful so i go out and take a couple pictures and get back into the car. there are some people playing with their own fireworks or sparklers. i ask everyone if they wanna get some. they say no. if i get some will you play with me? maybe. so i get out of the car and decide to buy some stuff. i get all excited cuz the stuff is pretty cheap. but of course when i go to pay for it, i ahve no money left on my debit.

i get back into the car finally defeated. "wanna go talk in the tent?" someone says. okay. so we head back to the campsite again. of course, everyone there is completely wasted and we'd not planned ahead enough to remember that lcbo would be closed on canada day so we jsut drank what we had left over. there were some girls that were ummm "winning beads" and asked dora if she'd like to win some. that was freakish.

so we get into the tent and end up playing Truth (you know, like truth or dare but with no dares.. pretty much you just have to tell everyone everything they ask you haha) but it ended up being really good! because we had some SERIOUS girl talk. and laughs and secret revealing and we're finally all acting like best friends happy on vacation again. so you think that would've saved the night right?

wrong! kat wanted to lie down so we all started trying to open up our sleeping bags, only to reveal-- they were SOAKED!! except kat's. so all night i lay away shivering my butt off. i gave dora my sweater. and the people outside were screaming and setting off fireworks the entire night. at one point of the night, some fireworks went off and kat goes "it's raining!" and then went back into her peaceful warm slumber. dora and i just started laughing incontrollably "i dont' know whether to laugh... or cry!" Luckily, joanna ended up giving us some of her sweaters. so i didnt' die of hypothermia.

the next morning i'd slept maybe 2 hours, and we were talking about how we got no sleep and how it was freezing cold. and kat goes "_i_ slept great!!" yeah kat. great. thanks. so we got up and packed up all our stuff (we'd decided it would be suicide to stay another night). it took us like fifty billion tries to pack up the tent. i think this is where i finally kinda snapped. cuz i'd been trying to stay really really positive the whole time. but then in the car dora goes "so! we're going to the cafe! right? the cafe!!" looking at me and i just cheered right up again. hahaa it's jsut so easy. what the hell. hahaha
but i do love that cafe. and we went there, got icedcaps and hot water for our instant noodles and ate instant noodles and spam mmmm :)
after that we went to the used bookstore and got books! =) dora go eight. jo and kat each got two and i got one. The Secret Life of Bees. So we spent the day lying on the beach again reading our books. =) it was SUCH a happy day! dora started crying in tuesdays with morrie. kat yelled at us for singing beat of my heart haha and jo tried to drown herself in the lake! but we were all relatively happy hahaha

in the evening, we drove back to toronto to dora's place. we SHOWERED which was painful but heavenly. we cooked the rest of our food that we couldn't make and settled in front of the tv and watched Bride and Prejudice. then we lay around in dora's room and laughed incontrollably for hours about how ridiculous our trip was and how fun it was even though it was a disaster. and how sad and hilarious pms is.

we spent monday watching three movies before we (sadly) had to head back to waterloo. without dora. :(

but yeah. the weekend was incredible. and then it was so incredibly horrible that it was funny. and then it was awesome again. :) one bad day out of four-- that's not bad!

but what have we learned about ourselves? we are NOT camping people.
next year's canada day? -- ottawa.
but the beach was lovely. :)

best no-pledge ever

when we do calls and don't get a pledge, we have to write down the reason why the person decided not to pledge, be it finances or their dog died or whatever.
today when i was working, a guy gave me the best reason ever for not pledging (or at least the most creative i've gotten compared to the usual sub-par "I have three kids in university" bit). Essentially he told me that he believes that the government should be supporting universities, and not relying on fundraising to do so. It's a vicious cycle, he says. The government says that if tax payers support the universities by donations, they will increase their support for the university. However, once they see that more people are giving, they will want to support universities less and less thinking that tax payers will just make donations to their post secondary institution of choice (of course he went into GREAT length about this extrapolating to elementary schools selling chocolate bars and the united states and stuff for around 20 minutes).
THEREFORE, he concluded, i can not possibly give you money, beucase by doing this, i am contributing to the deterioration of our supposed socialistic society and encouraging the quickening steps of this country towards capitalism.

haha! made my night.

what a swell week(end)!

my dora came up on thursday, and that night a bunch of ppl went to kzone haha to sing and be stupid =) dora and i butchered when you believe and a whole new world, jane and karen did hardcore canto songs, chris and kev came which was awesome because i hardly ever get to hang out with them plus chris is hilarious, we sang offkey happy birthday to hannah, kat knocked over someone's drink, haha oh and christie kat dora and i did testtubebaby shots which were abso_lute_ly disgusting. they look like actual embryos.


for some reason, that night, dora and i started speaking to eachother in chinese accents. and then, for the _entire_ weekend, we couldn't stop. and we started infecting (and annoying) other people with it. and honestly even now i can't stop. my _thoughts_ have become in a chinese accent, and i am strugggling with grammar and intonations when i actually speak normal english. engrish. oh mah gaaahhd.

friday was PHIL'S. :) it was a good time seeing a bunch of highschool/elementaryschool friends and letting loose.



saturday was planning for camping and at night, chris's sister's stag&doe! goodtimes with the sAgirlies... i got PIED in the faceeee by rolvin and NOone helped me! sadness haha but it was funny. esp since dev and i got our revenge :) after the stag&doe, carson jo kat dora and i got a ridiculous amount of food from sobey's and ate and watched Shop Girl at kat's.


sunday we went to toronto bright and early for christie's baptism at grace gospel :) it was a really joyful service, and it was really cool to hear christie's testimony. christie challenges me alot in the sense that compared to her, i have a really "easy" time being a christian, and yet i take for granted the freedoms i have to spend with and for God. after the service, we all went out for dim sum haha the boys cheered for the sew mye and ha gow and then the waitresses ignored them and walked away. meanwhile, they were telling the girls how beautiful we are and begging us to eat more food. lol ... after dim sum dora jo kat carson and i went to commerce for bbt and met up with andrew and bee. after a time of chatting and dropping dora off at home, we picked up jacq and headed back to waterloo.




and so ends my practically perfect weekend. i'm sure i just bored everyone to death but i don't care! i am happy! :) and next wknd is SAUBLE! :D yayayayay.

special

i spent the better part of the afternoon at square1.
my mom and my sister went to go buy a grad dress and i got the chance to sit down with my dad at second cup and just chat.

i realized that i really appreciate just being able to share our lives with eachother. something i really admire about my dad is that he really loves God and loves our church and is passionate about his service to God and to others at our church. he's passionate about musical worship, yet, he doesn't seek only to serve in the ways that he finds the most enjoyable. he's always seeking ways to best serve other brothers and sisters, even when what the best thing is isn't the funnest or most exciting thing for him. A servant heart. yes. that's what he has.

and i think that's special.

oh the horror

what on earth is waterloo coming to? i am shocked and appauled!
of all the wastes of time and energy...

ten digit dialing???!
>=(

_not_ impressed.

girl talk with alex haha
nachos and a seabreeze at the keg with gladys
three dip bread and "forgetting i'm not in highschool"haha at moxie's with janey
disney store, starbucks, and laughs(always) at fairview with bee and andrew

let's not forget another date with my boyfriend, albeit, he slept through most of it.

and quality ME time. :) spent in the way we love most, shopping. <3
polka dot shirt from h&m
pink T from hollister
visited zara and seriously considered another polkadot top, but in the end, we sadly parted ways. & urban outfitters has stolen my heart. but not my wallet! =)

my heart feels like its had its chance to breathe.

i'm about to head out to catch the bus, but not before i grab my chicken pad thai from spring rolls *drooool*

things that waterloo needs to get:
1. h&m
2. hollister
3. urban outfitters
4. a subway system
5. the people i love who are not already there

i was going to say spring rolls, but i think part of its appeal, is having to travel to get it :P

tralala* i am happy. =)

can't do waterloo anymore
things are too fuzzy here. disappearing
and messy, sloshing all over
and my eyes are like cups filled to the very, very tip
and i've been tense, trying to carry them smoothly

don't spill

so i'm packing up my eyes
and my backpack
and taking them away for a very little while

escape r u n away.

deep thoughts by me

I work at the UW Call Centre. For those of you who don't know, it is located in South Campus Hall. During one of my shifts today, i went to the bathroom and when i flushed the toilet, the flush was SO violent.
Here is a phoenetic example of how it sounded: SHHHLLLLPPP!!!BAMMM!!!WHOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
The water looked like aggressive rapids slash whirlpool whatever.
So I thought to myself after this dramatic occurance-- i should blog about how violent the toilets are at SCH! And about a milisecond after _that_ thought crossed my mind, i realized how ridiculous it was to blog about the violent toilets.

And THENNNN
i thought about how there are people who title their blog things like "Deep thoughts of blabalbal" or "My Deep Thoughts" or "Deep Inside my Mind" ... something to that effect. Pardon me if your blog is entitled in such a manner, but i am not thinking of _you_ because at this moment i can't even come up with an example of any specific blog! But, come on, really. I've always cringed whenever seeing such titles on people's blogs. Because!--

1. That means that whatever you post has to be super... "deep"!.. so to speak, and if you post silly things or trivial things, people will automatically assume that those, as the title indicates, are your deepest thoughts!

2. Why would people be so cocky as to proclaim their "deepness" to everyone? "Oh my gosh everyone, i am so deep. i post my deep deep thoughts online so everyone can be enriched by my deepness." ... i dunno. just something about that rubs me the wrong way.

by now, you are probably wondering why i lack such a great deal of a life to take the time to write all these shallow shallow things.
well this is what happens when i work at the call centre for eight hours straight!
but really! normally my thoughts are VERY deep! ... deeper than deep! Honest!!!

ok i am going to stop now. and go to bed before i hurt myself.

being boring

today, alan came up and we went to starbucks and somewhere in our conversation, the topic of "getting boring" came up. we both vowed never to be boring. not even if we got married. haha and when you get married, that is an easy trap to fall into.
but then i was thinking about it, and maybe i'm already starting to get boring. life used to be this big adventure for me. and everything that happened was a big deal, so exciting. nowadays, i don't really care about as many things. and i've been strangely antisocial this term, sticking only to the familiar and safe. things don't seem important and meaningful as much anymore. and that scares me. it makes me want to paint a giant mural. or write a book. or disappear to somewhere fabulous.

i love:
the olds.
the subway.
weddings.
dor.
the sunshine. the mall.
ga jeh.
taking p i c tur es.
spring rolls. my "boyfriend".
bubble tea.
toronto.

this is all i can say right now. (i know it's not much)

no matter how much you ignore Him, how much you go against Him, break His heart,
pretend He doesn't see things, doesn't care, doesn't know... it doesn't make any difference. just beucase i pretend God isn't there doesn't mean He's not sitting right beside me every second. just beucase i think He doesn't care doesn't make His love for me any smaller. and even though i've been ignoring Him for so long He hasn't and won't give up on me.

PRAISE GOD for that.

All I Can Say : David Crowder Band

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you set it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now (i know it's not much)
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now (i know it's not much)
And this is all that I can give (yeah that's my everything)


Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

and now, to live...

ah la lala la life is wonderful

well at least it was these past two weeks. but now my dora has gone and it's back to the daily blahnesss ... although!! i DID end up getting that job at the uw call centre woohoo! and i trained today-- 9 to 5... making calls is actually really tiring.

recap of the past two weeks (starting last monday):
monday: fed, tuesday: fubar, wednesday: movie night, thursday:failed caesars, fubartake2, friday: my dora comes! ccf bbq, hostel movie night, saturday: BT lunch, fox&thefiddle, failed phil's, sunday: 'sauga, tiff sleepsover at kat's too-- midnight walk under the stars(spooky), monday: wings@morty's, molly's, tuesday: lunch with esther, visit highschool teachers, din with the cheung's, movienight-family stone+hoodwinked wednesday: mongolian + molly's take2, thursday: morty's, phil's (oops! heavy metal night O_o), caesar's, pizzaaar, friday: dor leaves :(

music of the week-- most definitely jason mraz and shakira... oh a bit of rihanna, mariah, and christina milian hahaha

quotable:
- "in our hearts a hopeless song we never hoped to heaaarrrr..." "NO HOPE!!!" *splash*
- "you are my best responsible friend"
- *whispers* "shakirashakirashakira"
- "what big ears you have!" "all the better to hear your many criticisms"
- " .. i don't drink coffee!" *smile*
- "an avalanche is coming and i do not feel prepared!"

there must be more but i am way too tired.

summer highs*

this has been SUCH a fun week!
i think i'm getting over my antisocialness a bit... at least when it comes to going out at night.
monday - fed103, tuesday - fubar, ... thursday is caesar's and friday rev.
saturday toronto? :\

and tonight i think kat jo jess and i are gonna have a girl's night in and eat pizza and icecream and stufff.. reLAXing :D

AND!!! i have an interview in 25 minutes!! *crosses fingers* i need this job.

ok, so now i wish i was back in t.o./sauga

i hate the 519. maybe it's just not wanting to be where there are expectations. thats' why i didn't want to go to toronto this wknd... dreading people and their expectations.
and now i'm back in waterloo and i'm just... i dunno. trying to hide away?...
i feel so anti-social it's weird. maybe it's pms or maybe the "social butterfly" has hidden away for good. i just ...dont' want to make any effort at all. i dont' want to pretend like i'm happy to see people if i'm not. and i don't want to talk to people about "what's been going on" ... there is nothing to tell. and even if there was. i don't feel like telling people useless facts about my life for the time that they were absent.

i had such a good weekend thoughhhh ... had spring rolls TWICE. went to hollister THREE times. saw bee, went to 'mean girls mall' with mamalaura, KREAZELESS reunited (which pretty much never ever happens), tried indian food, got sunglasses* from h&m hehe, anddddd had street meat!...

and then we drove into loo and i wanted to hide away.
(&watch cruel intentions && call jannamae)

between the goodbyes and hellos and the lazyness and the business
it's all kind of just blurry
it's like practically nothing is significant enough to put down into words
i just don't really care about much lately...?

(well) i did get an interview for wednesday so that's nice

and i'm on an escape to the toronto this weekend... although right about now i'm not sure if i'd rather just stay home... (and drive around and around and around a parking lot under the stars)
but at least i get to see doraaaaa! :)

"nothing to prove, cuz it's you and me (and all of the people)"

stalker?

i'm pretty sure someone thinks i'm stalking him. but i'm honestly, truly not.

He knows who i am, i'm sure of it. the way he looks at me in recognition, that ability to acknowledge someone but wait- you _don't_ actually know eachother. 'How is this possible?' you may ask-- i'm ashamed to say it but... facebook. he knows me from facebook. we have 8 friends in common and i'm pretty sure we know eachother's names. or maybe i just know his because he also ran for feds.

anyways... i always see him on campus. i ran into him at the movies the other day. i was standing behind him in line for yogen fruz. he looked at me as if to say something and then looked away. and then it was just awkward. and thennnn yesterday i was at dc and he was at the computer behind me and he kind of gave me this weird look.

so i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm following him. and i'm not. so i'm not sure whether to find this hilarious or be embaressed. :P

did i mention i'm done? :P

finished finals on tuesday and since then have been joyfully bumming around.
i went to Oasis the other day with kat and that was pretty cool so i think i'm going to volunteer there over the summer. just have to go in for the training sessions.
also, the other day, anna and i went to waterloo park and played guitar under the sun and blue sky ... it was really nice even though i suck at guitar to be able to spend a bit of time with anna and just relax in the beautiful spring weather. and marilyn came up to visit that night! and emz maril kat and i went to morty's .. mmm wings my happiest nighttime food. <3

and then on friday mel and lue got baptised! congrats! and we had lunch at thai viet and even though i dont' like the food, it was nice to be able to chill with kat alice steph and mel and the rest of ccf who was at kwcac for good friday.

tonight amanda kat and i went to see v for vendetta and it was awesome. dora was right about alot of good quotes. but i'm also a little disturbed. everytime i watch movies like that it makes me question the truth in what we percieve the world to be. and uncertainty like that makes me feel so unsafe.

anwyays-- it's EASTER. a time to remember. becca emailed out this quote that i really love. it kind of explains one of the reasons why i'm such a camera whore. :P

"Memory implies a certain act of redemption. What is remembered has been saved from nothingness. What is forgotten has been abandoned. If all events are seen, instantaneously, outside time, by a supernatural eye, the distinction between remembering and forgetting is transformed into an act of judgment, into the rendering of justice, whereby recognition is close to being remembered, and condemnation is close to being forgotten. Such a presentiment, extracted from man's long, painful experience of time, is to be found in varying forms in almost every culture and religion, and, very clearly, in Christianity." (John Berger, "Uses of Photography", p58)

anyhow, it may not be through photograph, but through the distinction of a DAY, that causes the world to remember the death and resurrection of Christ--- really, it is remembering the biggest, craziest, most unique love of all time and how it SAVED the world. Not that this shoud not be remembered daily, or without a holiday, i'm just saying that easter pushes this to where it shoudl be-- the focus.

and in remembering today, i hope i can also remember how to be grateful.

sorry for my rambling... sleepy time. gnite*

two thirds

took a BREAK today after my pacs final and went out for dinner with everyone for carson's bday (happy20th!carsnooo!) @ mcginnis =) ... good timess... a nice break from studying definitely! pics: mouse over to see description




on the other hand
i don't know what's wrong with me.. it hink i'm just mentally and physically exhausted? i jsut feel so down. every single little thing is getting to me. thank goodness for starbucks* and mae. but i'm just sitting around brooding. at least i can afford to do so tonight! and then tomorrow-- back to the books *sigh*

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! on EVERYONE AND EVERYTHINGGGGGG!

"well I have handed all my efforts in, I searched here for my second wind, 'Is there someone here to let me in?' I asked. So I slammed the doors they slammed at me..."

one third

the man of the moment is E.P. Taylor.
becuase i was able to identify him and describe his historical significance.

after the final laura and i just sat there FREAKING out about how we only RECOGNIZED 4 out of the 10 terms of which we need to i&s 6 of them. and then kat came out and we went to eat mikey's. honestly sesame chicken makes everything better. who the heck is william price anyways? IS he the airplane man? we shall never know.

you know what though? it's times like those - even in the midst of finals- that make me not want this term to end. i'm gonna miss our randomness.

dp9th day 2
characters: me kat jess carson and pat(at dinner) (oh! and laur through the window lol)
dp is:
- the mystery game lol
- fooooooooodies
- "loud whisper" giggling
- kinkysex? HAHA but mamalaura says "keep it out of the family" ... so we know where kat's going with THAT. ; )
- 2hr dinners everydayyyyy
- girltalk*

dp?
well i'm at DP with kat jess emz and anj and i think i may have chosen my finals study location for this term-- ninth floor? well, i might switch floors but who knows... i like this better than TC and it's not as crowded as slc...

the weather is just ridiculous.
yesterday: sunny! then 5 min later pouring rain... then five minutes later sunny ... and another spell of rain another 5 min later
today: cloudy... 5 min later light snow... 5 min later cloudy... 5 min later BLIZZARD... cloudy... blizzard... cloudy.... blizzard... SUNNY????

8 days ... 8 days.

april-- one year later. (gawd i miss "you")

here's my "things that are spring" list:

1. funinthesun with 210/214-- 040405 when janna laura kat and i ran outside and took about a mazillion pictures dancing around, making shadows, sitting on picnic tables making fishfaces, and of our reflections in the door... it was sunny.
2. taking randomshmandom walks outside
3. fliss beeee 032905-- me jo maril dev quyen aneta playing frisbee in the south quad and tossing it over the creek trying to see if it would go all the way acrosss lol
4. "i'm just a dreamer i dream my life away"(its a secret.)
5. strawberry daquiris 040605-- some bad stuff happened and the day after me and bee went to eastsides and split a strawberry daquiri and things were happy.
6. "studying" 041005 -- spring means finals but last year me jo and kat studied outside slc on a round concrete thingy that a tree grows out of and pretty much got nothing done that day =)
7. you are the reflection in my sunglasses*041105 -- to make studying outside better, alison and i went to aussies and got sunglasses*. hers were normal but mine were ridICULously large and buglike and i paid sixbucks for them because, you know, fun is priceless. =)

Let's rearrange / I wish you were a stranger I could disengage / Say that we agree and then never change / Soften a bit until we all just get along / But that's disregard / Find another friend and you discard / As you lose the argument in a cable car / Hanging above as the canyon comes between

listen to the song! (i love the fray)

-- and speaking of the above song.. i think it's important to spend time doing things with people who make you happy. the past few weeks, i've been extremely busy with school stuff and at the same time just using way too much energy being upset about this person and that person not giving me the time of day or changing or whatever. and then i realized that i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't handle the stress of school AND making all this effort trying to figure out what's wrong with this person and that person or wishing things were how they were. and i realized that i shoudn't have to.
so i started just trying to be around people who make me HAPPY. and DO things that make me happy. like eating breakfast with kat and laur, or having bbt/williams with emz/dev/kat, phone talking for hoursandhours in the middle of the night, or going to molly's with jess laura and clara.... stuff like that. being around people that dont' make me worry 24/7 what i did wrong or what i should do next. to just enjoy things.

not saying things don't affect me still. ("wish.. i could disengage") but i just feel so much.. lighter i guess. :)

oh and jess said the funniest thing today while we were walking through waterloo park! she goes "animals in the dark are really creeepy!!!" i have no idea how they are but now i feel like they are... and we kept peeking over our shoulders while we were walking and running across the bridge lol so amussseddd...

hello world!

LOOK! -- miss dora chang aka my best frienddd is a STARRRRrrrr-- well, she's written an article for the TORONTO Star!!!

-read the article here-

my baby is a JOURNALIST. awwww heart tear sigh

lol sorry but this is a proud moment.

geez.

(S.F.Y.!!)

computer whore

maybe it's just because i don't own a laptop, but i am EXTREMELY put off by people who have a laptop and yet, insist on using the school computers at the same time.

for example-- i am currently at DP, sitting next to a guy who is reading some notes off uwace on the library computer. conveniently beside him, is a very sharp-looking laptop, all silvery, small and thin but not TOO small... just sitting there with the screen saver going.

oh wait. it stopped.

now it's jsut his desktop.

i dont' GET it. like... if i had a bloody laptop i woudln't be sitting here in freaking DP trying to do work. why is it that i had to stand aroudn waiting for a computer for like ten minutes and you already HAVE a computer to take with you wherever you like but you have to take up that extra seat?

*muttermutter* ... i can't wait til i get a job in the summer so i can finally buy myself a freakin laptop.

... friends come and go.

but worse than having someone leave?

not really being sure whether their gone or not or why they're going.

the past week i was feeling really ... TIRED. tired of being taken for granted or treated like crap for no reason. tired of thinking about all the things i needed to do. tred of being brushed aside. tired of failure. tireddddd.

but then last night after grad dinner, things slowed down a little. gladys was up for grad dinner so we actually got to hang out and catch up for the first time in a long time. we went to sobeys and bought tv dinners and just bummed around like old times. and this morning gladys kat and i had brunch at Angie's =) and then i met up with Jiffy and we did our hmv thing hehe and we went to golden mango and second cup (mm caramel carretto) and tonight jo and i finally got some time to talk (even if it was jsut in the car for like 10 min.) before watching Walk the Line. and carson kat jo and i had some good jokes by the end of the slightly irritating night haha =) so all in all it was a pretty good weekend. grad dinner was fun too =) a bit stressful, but fun.

anyways, in the car on the way to angie's, i searched gladys's cd's for Caedmon's Call : In the Company of Angels.. this cd that we used to always listen to in the car wheni was in gr 11/12 ... and i found it. and found this song that helped me through a tough time in the 12th grade. and it's jsut really comforting to listen to so i just wanted to share it. It's called Oh Lord Your Love.

Oh Lord I give You all I have
But it seems so little
When You have given me so much
I come to You with empty hands
And a heart that's fragile
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord Your love
Is new with every morning
Your faithfulness
It gets me through the night
You bid me come
You know that I am weary
Your yoke is easy
Your burden is light

And now I sing You songs of praise
But Your greatness is beyond me
I know I cannot comprehend
How You ancient of days
Stoop Yourself to call me
To be Your son, to be Your friend

is it ok to build walls simply to reciprocate other people's walls?

and i dont' ALWAYS want to be with people. as much as people like to think i do.
the key is being around the people who make you HAPPY.
but some days, sitting in my room alone, watching grey's anatomy and eating kd is perfectly satisfying as well.

i'm really enjoying our girls book study group thinggyyy =) we have really interesting discussion-- it's cool to hear different perspectives on th ings and see how God is working in eachother's lives and how we communicate with Him and see people who are SO smart and who can take all these things thye learn in school and apply them practically. it's so encouraging. and alsoerrrm.. bothersome in a good sense becuase it makes me evaluate myself and discover things that i need to give to God... and it's jsut cool to hang out and also get to know ppl betterr..
and i like listening to jenn read =)

why'm i such a black sheep?

"there are no solutions. no easy answers.
you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

most of the time pain can be managed--
but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it.

it's way below the belt and doesn't let up.

pain.

you just have to play it through,
becuase the truth is:

you can't outrun it...

and life always makes more."

(says meredith from grey's anatomy aka the best show ever)

wasted tears
everything i do is wrong. i'm even wrong about being wrong.
wasted tears, wasted night.

but i had fun with kat tonight afterrrr ccf =) we went to drop off emz at the bus station.
and then we went to see laur and sat around venting together for a while (people are dumbbb)
and then we went to sobeys and bought random stuff like tv dinners and hotstuffs and dow fu faaa and twix. and then we went back to my place and watched golden girlssss while we ate!

o/~ "thankyou for being a friend, travelled down the road and back again, you heart is true you're a pal and a confidente... and if you threw a party, invited eveyrone you knew-- you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say thankyou for being a friend" !

what if you woke up one day and discovered you were two people at once?
or, rather, that the different parts that make up "you" could be split into two personalities?
i don't mean a DISORDER. just... like emotionally you're able to somewhatly seperate these things. i.e. your intillectual side and your artsyphartsy side (although this is not what i am referring to)

things i've realized:
1. they will always always be connected. no matter how seperate they seem to be.
2. we were all given ONE life for a reason
3. once' you've seperated it, it's very hard to put it back together.

and 4. in EITHER personality, i am STILL a drama queen.

He answers.
i posted BEFORE rehearsal (see below)... i was just like OH MY GOODNESS. so i just sat down before rehearsal tonite and prayed like insanely.

and then, at rehearsal, things just kind of fell into place. i got amy to sing with me so now i'm on beat and it sounds OKAY . i mean it's still a country song haha and it's not PERFECT but it's ok. and jon explained how it relates to the character in the script. and just... maybe it's like, for me, the "medium IS the message" kinda.
the song itself.... not what it says. but the fact that i DID have to take a lot of effort and time into finidng out what the heck it means... for me, that means pursuing God and meaning in every way i can but in the end, it's GOD who finds ME. and not the other way around.

i dunno if that makes any sense but that's how it's starting (finally) to speak to me.

lifesong -- friday march3 -- RCH101-- 7pm

no matter WHAT i do, it will always be wrong.

if i DON'T do it-- i'm not committed. a quitter.
if i DO -- i'm a hypocrite.
and now... i'm making it into a JOKE?

honestly all i can do is pray like hell .

BEFORE you try and use that "why do you care what everyone else thinks you shoudl jsut care what God thinks" line-- i DO care what God thinks. the problem is, that what eveyrone says is VALID.
yes. it IS bad of me to quit the DAY BEFORE (not that i didnt' try earlier).. it's irresponsible. *i* think.
but yes. it's also bad of me to get up and share something i dont' mean or understand.
and if people COULD interpret me as making something into a joke then maybe that isnt' such a good idea even if it isn't one.

so you see, everyone is right. so all i can do is pray and pray and pray.

please pray for me.

march
i dont' have TIME to talk about march.

overwhelmed
about a million things falling on top of me all at once and i'm glued to the ground.
step by step by step..

scary
why do people do such horrible things... to such good people?

song
t.y. mr. chris tsoi for the SONG :D (joey mcintyre : stay the same)
i love it. it cheered me up =) so i decided to make it my march song..
"don't you ever wish you were someone else. you were meant to be the way you are exactly. don't you ever say you don't like the way you are. when you learn to love yourself, your'e better off by far. and i hope you always stay the same, cuz there's nothign about you i would change."

learning from lifesong

i like to sing. music, it's like a PART of me. as cheesy and cliche that is it just flows out sometimes i dont' think about it and whatever comes out (even if it is incredibly horrible to listen to) is like part of my soul.
i don't like to perform in front of large groups of people. it kind of scares me so much that i shake. what's hardest is performing something that i dont' MEAN. something that i dont' relate to or feel at all. because at least when i'm singing something i mean, it 1. has a purpose for me and 2. allows me to escape into this "niche" where it's jsut stuff coming out of me and not really me controlling or thinking constantly about the timing or the dynamics or whatever .. it just HAPPENS.

i wanted to sing for lifesong because for the past few terms this event has allowed me to share my faith and express myself in one of the ways i know best. but this term, it's been quite a different experience for me. i dind't choose my own song. apparently a bunch of ppl complained about this, but i wanted to have a serving attitude. i wanted to be cooperative and not difficult. "oh i'll do whatever" i said. so two days before our first rehearsal and 6 days before DRESS rehearsal, i'm given a song. a song that i can NOT sing. it's country-- which is a genre i'm not familiar with so i can't keep time. FURTHERMORE, it's a song that i don't understand and dont' relate to at all. i tried to opt out of it but to no avail. we practiced for two hours and couldnt' get it down. i tried to get someone else to sing it. i tried to trade songs with someone. in the end, short of just walking out on the whole thing, i'm stuck with it.
lifesong. i'm thinking if i sing and it has nothign to do with me, it's no longer a LIFE song... it's jsut a song.

but i've been whining about thsi all week so i wanted to stop for a second and take a step back. here's what i realized.:
what God does is beyond ME. it is beyond my capabilities. it's beyond my understanding. it's beyond my judgements of how effective this song is in conveying any message. it's beyond my resentment of what i consider to be a lack of judgement in the song choice. yes, i can sit and complain about how i shoudlnt'be forced to sing a song that doensn't express my relationship with God... i can complain that i dont' want to invite my friends becuase i can't use this song to share with them. but after all that-- really, God knows what he's doing. and if he wants to use this song then who am i to stop him? who am i not to give him my all becuase i dont' liek the song or dwell so deeply on how MY incompetance will screw it up?
i am so small. why do i think i can push the train of the tracks?

maybe this is a lesson in faith... and in humilty?

(*grins* , and on ANOTHER note haha, i'm getting a cowboy hat this week. and maybe some boots? in kristina's words "if you can't sound good, or feel the song, at least you can LOOK good." muahaha)

reading week is the biggest load of bull ever.

weekend getaway*


1. haaaaaaaaaappy 20th jannamae! =)
2. janna&otto's 20/20 was funnnn =) ... dinner hotel limo club(Inside) *swwoooon* limo was my favourite haha i am such a dork.
3. best luck --- kat forgetting her ID and then janna saving the day by remembering that otto had her g1 :P
4. worst luck --- me not walking fast enough behind kris and her grabbing onto "my" hand only to discover that it was a random guy :|, OHHH wait-- falling down the stairs TWICE was pretty rotten luck too haha =P *bruised*
5. creeps -- the really fat random that kept coming over eww lol i love laur's "fat random guy" immitation
6. finding my inner philipino haha... "hello i am from manila by the mega mall"
7. sleeping like a hobo on the ground at indigo hahahha
8. dinner with my rooomiee @ sp-riingggg roollsss! (of course)

and of course there are pictures.

"i haven't felt like this in so many moons, you know what i mean?"

reactive. spontaneous. wreckless.

i'm not sure how healthy this is. but i'm glad to be getting away this wknd even if it's just to mississauga for barely two days. i need a change of environment.
i need to prove things to myself. thats' the only way i feel like i can cure this. this... tenseness. i don't know how to put it.

i need to learn how to trust noone but myself.

it's like the old me but new again. jumping in.

happy rubitinmyface day
in FACT, the day turned out to be happy "rose-getting/lesbian-dinnering" day! =)

1. rose-getting
miss joanna wu (thanks babe) went to the trouble of getting a bunch of us girls RED ROSES =) sweet. HAAHA the best part was that she had JT deliver them... lol we were so confused at first butthen it all made sense. we commented that it woudl have been funny if he'd delivered Auntie Sandy's (kat's mom's) rose though and she thought it was from him! lol or, as JT mentionned, if certain people's boyfriends had seen him giving their girlfriend the rose and gotten the wrong idea hahhaha poor JT


2. lesbian-dinnering
kat and i decided to go to go for viet dinner at ben tahn(sp?) tonight and we were like oh let's ask alison and emzhei to come but we called emz and she had a chem lab and alison wasnt' calling us back so on the way to the car kat's like "omg... what if people think we're lesbians?!?!?" i'm like "WHYYY would they think that and even if they did, who CARES!" and so eventually alison called us back and we went to pick her up and i told her the story in the car haha at that point, kat slid on some ice and we jolted forward a bit and i was like "OMG!!! we're gonna DIE before we get to our..." and alison cuts in and is like "our LESBIAN DINNER??" bahhahahahaha


THEN...we were driving to class and the radio guy goes "happy valentines day to those who have someone. and to all those who don't..... sorry."

also, my mom got me a white chocolate heart on a stick so that was sweet hehe =)

yessssssss --- this is what i did on valentines day. and it was much fun =) who needs poopie gross boys anyways?

UWSynchro Gets a New Member

kat and i went to go watch miss laura swim tonight at laurier and it was freakin cool!! =) well i've never watched synchro before so it was something new and crazy how together everything is and stuff ... and there was a "hot" guy sitting beside us that we discovered was only hot from the side *AHEM*

anyhow, at the end of the show, the coach was like "if anyone wants to join just go to the website blabalbla" and kat lights up, nudges me and is like "LET'S JOIN!!!!"
bahhahahaha--- kat doesn't even know how to swim.

i love it.

"deal with it"

as eric would say. or as alison would say "SUCK IT UP!!!" haha
it seems it's time again for me to do these things.
just seems like between family, school, and friends(some)... it's nonstop tension anger and conflict. i'm not going to complain about it. but gawd i wanna run. (is it *always* wrong to take the easy way out?)

strength
i've been thinking about strength recently. and i think there are many types. i think i can be "strong", and in some ways, i am. i think that jsut becuase you don't show your emotions or allow yourself to be vulnerable to others or show how things affect you, that doesn't mean you're stronger than i am. i think that i'm glad that i am generally aware of my weaknesses and i'm not afraid to show them to others -- beucase, in weakness, God is stronger. not ALL weakness is "bad" or in our control. but i do have many that are those things.

my problem? ... is actually DEALING with those "bad" weaknesses and consistently and persistently making an effort to change things in myself that hurt God or hurt others or hurt myself.

beeday
alison and i went down to toronto yesterday to celebrate miss bee's birthday =)
i like downtown alot. in the summer i would sometimes tell people i was leaving a lot earlier than i actually was and grab street meat and chill by myself with the pigeons and or a good book at indigo. =)
downtown is fun with PEOPLE too =) hehe ... it was fun just hanging out with bee alison and andrew =) .. it "works". i like when ppl fit together. we laugh. and i like bee. :)
goodtimes =)

God make me steadfast?

i don't doubt you

it's so nice to be able to say that and MEAN it entirely. even if in context it's about something of very little importance.
wow... me? trust? .. maybe.

p is for prom

hahha after ccf tonite at bubbletease alison jt jane amy johnny and kevin were talking about random things that led to the topic of PROM. hahhaa our conversation over bbt was quite entertaining in general but it was really fun to hear everyone's prom stories. i'll admit it. i'm a sucker for talking about prom... i guess becuase at mine, a silly girly dream was fulfilled and as well, it was some of the best times with my best friends.
and it's also funny, because pretty much *everyone* did the prom "drama" to a certain degree. so everyone's story is pretty good. haha

I'm BACKKKKKKKK!!!!
got a new camera. no more using a crappy slow easily dying camera!!! :D
i can take pictures of everything again!!! =)
hello new favourite thing.

why i'm not in science



hahaha visit www.nataliedee.com

i think i'm going to start my own drawing/comic page.

irony

this morning i did my informative speech for spcomm. i was actually supposed to go LAST class but i was last and we ran out of time.

my speech was about memory.

when i got into the room i realized, i forgot to bring my tape. irony number 1.
i was all panicking and frazzled which threw me off a bit. but eventually i figured out i could use someone else's tape and i was a little more calm.

so the girl who spoke before me was SOOOOO nervous. she kept pausing and forgetting things and just watching her made me super nervous as well i was almost shaking. my hands got all clammy and cold.

two wks ago, i'd forgotten to turn off my cell before class and i got a txt msg from alison during someone's speech and my phone vibrated loudly on the table. well, i'd decided to use this to start off my speech. as the "attention getter". i let my phone ring and snapped it shut saying "two weeks ago, when gerald was in the middle of his speech about stocks, i realized i'd forgotten to turn of my cellphone... i'm losing my memory!! i though to myself." and continuing on i used the example of remmebering to turn off your cellphone before class continuously through my speech to tie different points together. i even ended off the speech by thanking everyone for turning off their phones.

so the class went overtime. and five minutes after class was supposed to end ppl were still giving me feed back about my speech. someone made a comment "your attention getter was really great but i just wanted to point out that gerald dindt' speak about stocks. JEREMY did." oops. ... irony number2.

and irony number3? well it just so happened that alison called me (not knowing obviously that class had gone overtime) ... and once again, i'd forgotten to turn my phone off.

ohhh speech day blues....

when deciding which church to attend...

does your own spiritual growth come first? or does the well being of others come first?

new song
me and bee's valentine's song =)
hahha next wk shall be interestING! to say the least...

"this wait for destiny won't do..." *sigh*

flush-the-self-esteem-down-the-toilet week

someone said something not-so-nice to me on monday. not mean spiritedly. they may have even thought of it as an encouragement if i think about it hard enough and suppress my hurt well enough, but man it was like a kick in the gut. and the comment included in part something about myself and a close friend and that was like... ripping my heart out or something.

so maybe it's jsut that. maybe it;'s that eating away at me. and not having been consoled enough or something i just am believing more and more (even in anger) that it's true.
am i that unworthy? maybe.

maybe that's why i was so upset when dinner plans i thought were made were somewhatly cancelled by someone who i thought cared alot.

then tonight, at lunarfest --- OH MY GOSH--- hahahhaa... while alison and i were standing at the bar trying to get through and whatever, we spotted walter, eric man's dm from last year. On the last night eric was here we all went to kickoff and walter bought us all drinks and whatever. so alison's like "oh! maybe he'll recognize us and he'll buy us drinks!" ... SOOOO he pretty much just pushes past me not recognizing me at all and stands at the bar. what a let down. but THEN he turns to ALISON and is like "hey! your'e eric's friend right?! balbalabala" and starts reminiscing to her about last year and offering to buy her a drink which is actually for me.
SO . COMPLETELY . SHAFTED. but it's ok. i should come to expect these things if i'm gonna hang out with all the beautiful talented and smart ppl... i guess it just added a bit though to my feelings of worthlessness. even though who even cares about walter he was kind of weird last year anyways... but maybe it was jsut all that stuff it's just piling and every little thing just makes me see more and more how... ugh i am.

sorry for the depressingness. i just really needed to get that out.

REGARDLESS, lunarfest was still pretty fun =) ... andrew and haruka did an awesome awesome job!!!! and fj!!!! and there was a really sexybuffkarate guy =) chilled mainly with my giiiiirls who i went with -- that is, alice, alison, kat, and stephermie which was awesome becuase girls are so much BETTER than guys. ahha no offense guys. and ran into some highschool friends i.e. bryan and dave ... and ran into kristina and nicole tooo! =)

the best part of the night? a good friend waiting at the bar wth me for liek 20 min even though she dindt' even want a drink.. it kind of resolved things a bit for me. (i guess no matter what comment that person made on monday, our friendship is what it is. and who knows what it is? me and you. not that person. and it doesnt' matter whether or not freakin walter remembers who i am or not in the end becuase BETTER people such as you tell me that i'm worth your time and care wihtout even saying a word.)

and dj baby yu was pretty good regardless of why his name is baby yu hahaha

what goes through my head while preparing my speech for speech comm

oh my gosh my speech is tomorrow and i don't know anything
it's 12:00 already.
<...typing on msn>
today i had a big mac instead of a filet o fish! i think the sauce is made out of thousand islands dressing and tartar sauce. or relish. no, tartar sauce.
<... more typing on msn>
*look at mini martini shakers* pink silver blue red
i really wanna use my martini shakers... theyr'e jsut sitting there all shiny and pretty... and lonely.
<... more typing on msn>
dude. why is this guy online if he's not even gonna respond to his msgs. oh crap i gotta work on this thing.
<... type type type read msgs>
what DO we need to talk about for grad dinner... OH!
i can't BELIEVE i have so many freakin meetings!
i have to pick up my book from the bookstore tomorrow.
i haven't seen dev in like two weeks!
what should i wear to lunarfest?
i wanna buy something new to wear. yeah. something new.
i have no nice pants.

i REALLY have to get back to work now.

ugh.

apology

sometimes when i talk about things-- like, how i had a bad day for example-- i make myself out to be the victim. i think i protagonize myself in the stories i tell; the heroine who tries her hardest but just can't overcome those ill-fated odds.
and sometimes i might even antagonize the people i love the most. even though, in my mind, they're not the antagonist at all, i am.
i think extreme disappointment in myself often is defensively set up in my stories and rants to appear like extreme disappointment in the world and people around me.

really that's not the case.

not that i'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS wrong. and generally i even STATE blatantly that i dont' mean to antagonize ppl adn that it's actually my fault but i guess my extreme errrr emotional output covers over those efforts. because people hear the way you say things more than the actual words that you say.

i guess this is some sort of lame apology... i shall try and connect my brain to my tongue more.

(p.s. social psych is the BEST course everrrrrrrrrrr! everything is so applicable and sensical haha)

UNlearning helplessness

in socpsych we read about something called "learned helplessness"... after a person feels incompetant enough for a while or "helpless" for a while, they just kind of stop trying.
it's like they BECOME helpless becuase they're just so used to feeling that way.

here's to hoping there's a way out.
a remedy.

post winter retreat reflection

retreat was a great time of fellowship... seemed like people really connected. the games were actually fun haha there was a lot of small group time and the groups were really well made so it was a joy to be able to share and chill with these ppl more.. worship went pretty well (which i was originally really worried about bc there were some "issues")... the speaker was a cool guy who was in my smallgrp and was a pretty good speaker(lots of stories :P)...i actually LIKED my room this year =) the "early room" ppl who made me laugh even early in the mroning and latelate at night.. and saw coop faces such as CHRISTIE! :D ahem.

but ANYWAYS. winter retreat has kind of brought me to a conclusion of a few weeks journey of trying to figure some stuff out... ok not a conclusion, more liek a "game plan". i was feeling so estranged from God before ... and a 2 sundays ago at cfc the msg was about prayer and how you should pray with a clean heart because if you "cherish" sin in your heart God might not hear you. (psalm66:18). so i kind of errr realized that there were a lot of things in my life i wasnt' letting go of... and maybe that was why i was feeling so far from God.

then i had this conversation with mike about faith. how sometimes we need to take risks and jump in a DO something TRUSTING that God will work in us despite us and not to always have to be comfortable and have everything laid out exactly right for us beucase how is that trust at all then? if you don't have any risk then are you really trusting in God's ability? or jsut your own?

so i got to retreat thinking ok. i wanan DO smoething. i wanna take a chance and see what God wants to show me and how he wants to grow me and etc. ... but i was stuck. because i didn't know where to start. you can't just JUMP into oblivion. i wanted a little bit of direction as to how to know WHERE God wants me to trust him in, where he wants me to take action and stuff... i was so confused. so a bunch of ppl said things that i dont' wanna type out and then during one of the msgs the pastor was talking about this verse (romans 12 something)

Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's
mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy
and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of
worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of
this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your
mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what
God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So here's my "game plan". To "offer" every part of me to God wholeheartedly and fully. i'm gonna schedule out my time so that i can be more effective. cuz i'm really lazy and usually i end up wasting away hour after hour... i'm going to do my best in school... i'm gonna work out ... and i'm going to try and give of myself as much as i can to others incl family and friends and .. i guess even ppl i dont' like. and i'm going to try to love people more. but that's a whole other story that i dont' wanna get into right now ..anyways, when i get my LIFE in check... in FOCUS... maybe THEN i'll be able to see where God wants me to be.

sorry for boring you all for so long and still being so vague but this stuff is so hard to TYPE out. it's hard for me to talk about too. becuase somehow it jsut doesnt' sound as good in words as it does in my head or hopefully in action. so here goes.