learning from lifesong

i like to sing. music, it's like a PART of me. as cheesy and cliche that is it just flows out sometimes i dont' think about it and whatever comes out (even if it is incredibly horrible to listen to) is like part of my soul.
i don't like to perform in front of large groups of people. it kind of scares me so much that i shake. what's hardest is performing something that i dont' MEAN. something that i dont' relate to or feel at all. because at least when i'm singing something i mean, it 1. has a purpose for me and 2. allows me to escape into this "niche" where it's jsut stuff coming out of me and not really me controlling or thinking constantly about the timing or the dynamics or whatever .. it just HAPPENS.

i wanted to sing for lifesong because for the past few terms this event has allowed me to share my faith and express myself in one of the ways i know best. but this term, it's been quite a different experience for me. i dind't choose my own song. apparently a bunch of ppl complained about this, but i wanted to have a serving attitude. i wanted to be cooperative and not difficult. "oh i'll do whatever" i said. so two days before our first rehearsal and 6 days before DRESS rehearsal, i'm given a song. a song that i can NOT sing. it's country-- which is a genre i'm not familiar with so i can't keep time. FURTHERMORE, it's a song that i don't understand and dont' relate to at all. i tried to opt out of it but to no avail. we practiced for two hours and couldnt' get it down. i tried to get someone else to sing it. i tried to trade songs with someone. in the end, short of just walking out on the whole thing, i'm stuck with it.
lifesong. i'm thinking if i sing and it has nothign to do with me, it's no longer a LIFE song... it's jsut a song.

but i've been whining about thsi all week so i wanted to stop for a second and take a step back. here's what i realized.:
what God does is beyond ME. it is beyond my capabilities. it's beyond my understanding. it's beyond my judgements of how effective this song is in conveying any message. it's beyond my resentment of what i consider to be a lack of judgement in the song choice. yes, i can sit and complain about how i shoudlnt'be forced to sing a song that doensn't express my relationship with God... i can complain that i dont' want to invite my friends becuase i can't use this song to share with them. but after all that-- really, God knows what he's doing. and if he wants to use this song then who am i to stop him? who am i not to give him my all becuase i dont' liek the song or dwell so deeply on how MY incompetance will screw it up?
i am so small. why do i think i can push the train of the tracks?

maybe this is a lesson in faith... and in humilty?

(*grins* , and on ANOTHER note haha, i'm getting a cowboy hat this week. and maybe some boots? in kristina's words "if you can't sound good, or feel the song, at least you can LOOK good." muahaha)