what a great day! :)

... what a contrast from the past week i've had in general... except for i think sunday was good... i was just getting so tired of not so good days.
but today was both pleasurable and productive!

- i finished volumes 1 AND 2 of my english novel!! woohooo! i think it's cuz i was with alison for the entire day, she motivates me to be productive :P

-in the afternoon, i actually SAW marilyn, chris, dev, and quyen! and had a few conversations :)

-and then at nite saw JACQUELINE!!! at dinner and also took pics of her trying on different purses hahaha..

-and thennnnnn went on grocery run with alison, bee, and eric :) ... the four of us never hang out anymore.. like this term, we have't actually done anything together. but tonight was a good reminder of the crazy laughs that being with these three bring. it's like this chorus of constant jestful bickering and interesting noises that leave my eyes teary and my stomach weak from laughter... i've missed it.

-after i got back to rev i got to hang out with laura and janna for a bit and just chat and eat cake :)

-and then i talked to gladys on the phone for the first time in a long while :)

so yeah. this was the BEST day. aside from the fact that i am SICK :( hehee
here's a few visuals from grocery run :P :


me, eric, alison, and bee *cheese*


eric and his men's DEPENDS hahaha...


the girls... freezing our butts off in the van!!! :P

quotable

"It's the little things that get to you, but sometimes, it's the little things that make you smile." -little chris :P

little things that made me smile today:
- 'two straws instead of one.' i dont' know why, but that has meant the world to me.
- my english prof's really thick glasses
- toffees
- laughing with my floor girls. times like those are few and far between now adays.
- viv's blog
- seeing mike and waiki at rev
- random msn conversations
- "I wanna love you more than anyone" Gavin Degraw

the other night i remembered something my friend said to me once some time in highschool. "i understand... and i'm not upset... but one day you're gonna not think and do or say something and you're going to lose a friendship because of it. so learn, and be careful." ... i dunno why, but when i was just sitting there not knowing what to do, those words just popped into my head. i had friends in highschool like this... good friends who were both friends and older sisters to me.

all i wanted to say is that since university began, i have never missed highschool so incredibly as i do now. it was so much easier. i didn't feel this constant pressure to need to grow up. people hoped for me to better myself, but IN MY OWN TIME. maybe it stemmed from always being "the baby" ...

i pretty much stopped calling some of these friends in the fall... i dunno why. everyone's busy. and i was too. but here's a shout out to those girlies who took care of me in hs... you knwo who you are. i love you guys. your words are always in my heart even if you're not here.

There are questions i seem to always be asking myself.
One of them is, "Why must i always learn things the hard way?"
The thing is, i've always been a mega screw up... i thought that would change in university but it hasn't.

i made a HUGE mistake last nite. i made an assumption and flew into a fury... i accused someone i considered as one of my closest friends to be not a friend at all. rumours have this way of getting messy i guess... miscommunications thrive because of the stresses of school and housing and maybe in part because there are so many freakin girls here. and i can truthfully say taht things were miscommunicated to me... but that gives me no excuse for making the assumptions taht i did.

I love this person so much. They've held me together these five months... they've been my confidante, my 'mom', my person i knew i could always count on despite whatever little bickerings or arguments. they've been there for me through my MOST annoying or immature moments. i've done things i thought would make them leave but they never did. and without saying that they even cared... it was so clear. i guess i was so sure that our friendship, although not perfect, was REAL.

but because i AM such a collossal screw up... i heard a rumour ... "logically" pieced things together in my head, and because of my extreme shock and hurt and confusion, just ... lost it.
i lost whatever self control i thought i had. i was bitter, scarcastic, and mean... even if all my accusations had been true, i had no right to act in that way. but i didn't think. and i didn't clarify (although it was because of a promise i made to someone else)... but that was wrong of me. especially since i did place such a huge trust on this person. i dunno what happened. it jsut hurt so much i dind't evne know what to say or do or... i'm not making excuses i'm just saying that you were one of the best friends i've ever had and i can't even tell you how sorry i am.

i know that a simple sorry doesnt' mend things. and it scares me that because of this character flaw i have never mended all these years... i find myself in a place where i have hurt someone i care about SO much and where i have taken one of the friendships i care most about and pretty much tossed it out the window. all i could say last nite was "ugh i wanna die i wanna die.. " but that's stupid. maybe becuase of my mistake, i have lost a piece of my heart... and things might never be the same.. but what's said and done is said and done. the only thing left to do is learn from this thing that i wish never happened.

"My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." James 1:19-20

"the more i learn, the more i learn, the more i cry, the more i cry... And i see You standing there... wanting more from me.. and all i can do is TRY."

what it comes down to

the thing that's annoying is that after a while when you spend enough time with the same people they get to thinking you're a certain way and treat you as such. makes sense. but it gets tiring. with some people it's like they dont' take you seriously. with others it's like your'e CONSTANTLY screwing up. ugh. you get SICK OF IT. like you get sick of... well *I* get sick of having to friggin... justify everything i do sometimes. omg. you know what pisses me off?? when people bring stuff up THEMSELVES and then when you bring it up they get all mad and be like "oh you keep on bringing this thing up" when really, it was alreayd out of your mind and ARGH... why do you get to make "jokes" and i'm not?? ... and like when ONE MINUTE they're like all caring SO MUCH about what you do and what you don't do and then the next they're like omg go away. like shut UPPP good LORD. like make up your MIND! i dont' like people telling me where i should live. i dont' like people telling me how i should spend my time. AHHHHHHHHH... actually, i shouldnt' say that. because truthfully, even though SOMETIMES, it either makes me feel like an eight year old or makes me wanna fly into some sort of fury demanding to know why people are telling me what to do ... with CERTAIN people (not all people) it shows that they care and i wouldn't want to trade that away. and sometimes yes. i do need certain people to say things or even yell things before i listen. but it jsut gets to be too much. maybe it's that level of comfortability ... or sometimes just spending so much time with someone that everything they do is wrong to you or annoying to you. this is sucha mess of thought. of all these different people and different scenarios but I JUST NEED SOME TIME AWAY! i need to spend some time with DIFFERENT people. i was telling people that last week.. jsut... ARGH.
what it comes down to is that i just need a bit of time with less familiar faces. girl. boy. older. younger. whatEVER.
someone who's not constantly annoyed with me. either that or rollercoasterly with me.
someone who doesn't cahnge their mind about me every two seconds.
someone who has less preconceptions.
someone who isn't so set in their own mindset that it becomes impossible to converse with them.

it was so good to hang out with bee today. i guess i talk to bee a lot ... but maybe i see her less than some.. and well it ws jsut so so good to be able to talk and catch up and laugh about random things and jsut be ...ME. it was really good to talk to clara too. me, clara, and bee at timmy's that was new. that was REFRESHING. i felt like i regained some of that part of me i had in highschool a bit... that confidence in what i said. not a wavering questionning always bracing myself for attack...

please dont' get me wrong. i love all the people i was thinking of two paragraphs ago... maybe love them the MOST even... but assumptions, weariness, cliqueyness?, half-truth jokes, and unending arguments just make me wanna step back from the "circle" for a little while. maybe let our tolerances build back up a little for eachtoher. let the ego heal a little.

just *breathe*.

welcome new week

WHY is it that the week has BARELY begun and ALREADY i feel like i've screwed up in some way???... actually this time, i dont' know waht i did wrong. not really anyways. nothing SO bad that yeah... okay. *breatheeee*

it's okay. calm.

the sermon at kwcac was really good today. "Be A High Impact Christian"... pretty cool. i like "applicable" sermons. well i guess they all are.. but ones that FOCUS more on application. as well, the powerpoint always does well to keep your focus. focus. one ofthe characteristics of a high impact person. ...

welps, i've finally made a few "resolutions".. i won't call them "new years" resolutions. but thye are more things i would like to see happen in myself.

1. stop biting my nails... (i think this one has been here for a while.... so.. a plea... DO NOT LET ME BITE MY NAILS.)
2. look for the best in people. no bashing (unless PERSONALLY offended... cough. i have to take it slowly :P)
3. try not to need reassurance from my friends of their care all the time. just let things be how they are. ... have a little more trust?
4. "My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." James 1:19-20 ... be less sensitive... SIMMER DOWN.
5. PUT GOD FIRST. before i call whomever, talk to HIM. before i go off to go out or to do homework... spend time with HIM. in everything... to make Him my centre and my "one pure and holy passion"...
6. take some risks. i'm so afraid to do things sometimes cuz i'm afraid i'll get shot down. i wanna step up and do what i wanna do. who knows, i might learn osmething.
7. kick the self esteem up a notch or two... i'm thinking grade 10 - 11 level. :P... i dunno. i jsut find my self esteem and self assurance sinking lower and lower since i got to university. there's no real reason for that. i want it back.

sooooo... please pray for me and hold me accountable... thanks :)

AHHHHH ...praying for a better week than last. >.< hopefully that "bad start" was jsut some ... misunderstanding? ugh.

how the mind works

during the day
when the sun blares loudly and
the air grabs at bare skin so violently,
four hundred and twenty two fragments
of shatterred conversation rush
through eardrums and then, as
if realizing their mistake, saunter
away.
and when the mind is too preoccupied
with accents, accounting, academic jabber
and trying to figure out what that smell
is
is it you?
and what's for lunch
and haha
what is that you just
said? what does mundane
mean?
it is easy not to think.

tick tock

the sky is black save for
Orion's glistening belt and a queen on her throne
a jacket is unneccessary
it smells like a florida evening
near the beach
you can hear the snow melt.
and then
it is almost impossible not to notice that perhaps
"the way i laugh may be getting annoying
my boobs are too big
should i eat less
am i becoming boring
he didn't add me to his msn list
i made a fool out of myself
she made a fool out of me and i let her
do i bother people when they are having private conversations
why can't i change
do i disappoint you
do i disappoint You"
and much easier not to think
"i am wonderful".

the end of a less than satisfactory day

a layer of frigid night air still clings to my body
and unsettledness creaks between my back and the chair as my roommate turns in slumber,
her breathing a hum over the groans of the heater,
weary.
a sigh is heaved as the last car signals 3 a.m. with a woosh.
I know without pulling back the heavy blinds that the headlights are reflecting off the pavement, slickened by grey snow.
and somewhere despite all the trying and failing and
sometimes not trying,
between the crying and the being yelled at and
disappointing,
turquoise comforters and the aftertaste of chocolate milk beckons dreams and escape.

i feel two things

tonight after ccf a bunch of us went to bbtease and afterwards jt and mike were trying to give alison a ride home because she's sick but she was trying to leave because she wanted to walk. (for the full story read Alison's blog)...
anywyas we ended up walking and we were approaching DC we saw this black figure sitting on the curb... we were like "whoa.. that's so creepy.. is that a person? is that a firehydrant?" but when we got closer we saw it was a girl. she was hugging her legs, sobbing. Alison asked her if she was okay and we ended up staying to wait with her for her ride as she cried and vented about how she had a fight with a guy and he just left her in the dark and the cold "you're not supposed to do that!" she kept saying... she was a total wreck. she was in such a state that it seemed like her whole world had been torn apart because of this guy walking away from her. she seemed so alone. gosh she wanted us to be there so bad i could tell. she wouldnt' tell us to leave. when alison asked her if she wanted us to wait with her she cried harder.

you know what pissed me off though? the fact that i was so useless the entire time. i jsut stood there. like i didn't know what to say at all.. i dind't know whether to stand or sit. i didn't have any words of comfort. i was just like this blah standing there. it's like this girl is a total wreck. and i wanted to do something to help but i could think of no words. no actions. the only words that even came to mind was "boys are crap" ... like woohoo. it's like God places this perfect opportunity in front of your face to show His love... and i blank out.

i'm starting to believe more and more in my uselessness. it's like i feel like i can never really do anything to help anyone. not even my friends when they seem like they need something. not even the people who are always there to help me. sometimes not evne your best friend, what you say is just... not right. i dunno. it's so frustrating. becuase really, sometimes you just want to either shine a light in, or lend a hand, or jsut be a good friend. but i come out empty. so useless. I pray for opportunities to show His love, and i get them. i get a girl sitting on a curb crying her eyes out. and i help zero. nilch. it's lucky that alison was there ... with her kleenex and ready words...

the situation was thought stimulating. after the girl was picked up by her friend, we walked into dc and prayed. it was hard to be calm and jsut pray because there were just all these things running through my head. i guess concern for the safety of the girl and this overwhelming sense of gratitude in having His love in my life. it's so abundant and constant.He never leaves you in the cold darkness. but you know, there's so many people who don't haev that and they won;'t always be sitting on a curb waiting for you to show them His love. i guess i need to keep my eyes wider open.. and my ears... and my heart. cuz as long as we're blessed enough to have this amazing gift we need to share it. and also just thinking about how incredibly blessed i AM.. and i need to think about that more. blessed iwth His love and also blessed with friends who would never jsut leave me standing in the cold in the middle of the night no matter what kind of fight we were in.

i dunno. i guess just some food for thought. i kept thinking to myself "wow... God totally meant for us to walk that way and jsut be there for that girl..." but now i think maybe God brought us that way to show us something. give us a wakeup call. people who need Him are all around. and it's time i stopped being so self centred and be PREPARED to give of myself when the opportunities are shown.


on a totally seperate note.... herman made me something!!!! thanks herman!!!! :D boohahaha

These first few days of the term have been really fun :) ... nice to catch up with friends ... most of the boys arent' here this term :*( ... but it's always nice to have GIRLTIME!
shopping... chilling... eating... sharing... etc. it's always funness :)

i'd have to say that my favourite class so far is engl102B... mostly because alisona nd i get to admire a cuuuuute boyyyyy in the class!! haha but also because it's novels and poetry... and i love stuff like that... really looking forward to reading.

so many laughs already... so many PICS already! hehe

p.s. i strongly dislike housing.


alison, bee, emzhei @ conestoga


me n bee ... mmm yogen fruz


jackie, me, kat, alison, jo... 1B ... "progression"!


+ clara and maril ... ccfgirlies @ bbt :)


me, alison, marilyn... why do we have so many bubble tea pics?


south a girlies (aneta, quyen, marilyn, emzhei, dev, jo, kat, chris, et moi) stuffies!


taboooooo!


still playing taboo :)


the losing team's "punishment" hahaha you brought it on yourselves!!! haha

looking forward to the rest of this term :)

happy 2005.

blessed to be alive.

resolutions?...
to be a FAT christian... faithful, available, and teachable...
if i were to take all the time that i spend thinking, talking, freaking, crying, about dumb old boys and used it to know God more... how much more would i grow?

new pictures coming...