what it comes down to

the thing that's annoying is that after a while when you spend enough time with the same people they get to thinking you're a certain way and treat you as such. makes sense. but it gets tiring. with some people it's like they dont' take you seriously. with others it's like your'e CONSTANTLY screwing up. ugh. you get SICK OF IT. like you get sick of... well *I* get sick of having to friggin... justify everything i do sometimes. omg. you know what pisses me off?? when people bring stuff up THEMSELVES and then when you bring it up they get all mad and be like "oh you keep on bringing this thing up" when really, it was alreayd out of your mind and ARGH... why do you get to make "jokes" and i'm not?? ... and like when ONE MINUTE they're like all caring SO MUCH about what you do and what you don't do and then the next they're like omg go away. like shut UPPP good LORD. like make up your MIND! i dont' like people telling me where i should live. i dont' like people telling me how i should spend my time. AHHHHHHHHH... actually, i shouldnt' say that. because truthfully, even though SOMETIMES, it either makes me feel like an eight year old or makes me wanna fly into some sort of fury demanding to know why people are telling me what to do ... with CERTAIN people (not all people) it shows that they care and i wouldn't want to trade that away. and sometimes yes. i do need certain people to say things or even yell things before i listen. but it jsut gets to be too much. maybe it's that level of comfortability ... or sometimes just spending so much time with someone that everything they do is wrong to you or annoying to you. this is sucha mess of thought. of all these different people and different scenarios but I JUST NEED SOME TIME AWAY! i need to spend some time with DIFFERENT people. i was telling people that last week.. jsut... ARGH.
what it comes down to is that i just need a bit of time with less familiar faces. girl. boy. older. younger. whatEVER.
someone who's not constantly annoyed with me. either that or rollercoasterly with me.
someone who doesn't cahnge their mind about me every two seconds.
someone who has less preconceptions.
someone who isn't so set in their own mindset that it becomes impossible to converse with them.

it was so good to hang out with bee today. i guess i talk to bee a lot ... but maybe i see her less than some.. and well it ws jsut so so good to be able to talk and catch up and laugh about random things and jsut be ...ME. it was really good to talk to clara too. me, clara, and bee at timmy's that was new. that was REFRESHING. i felt like i regained some of that part of me i had in highschool a bit... that confidence in what i said. not a wavering questionning always bracing myself for attack...

please dont' get me wrong. i love all the people i was thinking of two paragraphs ago... maybe love them the MOST even... but assumptions, weariness, cliqueyness?, half-truth jokes, and unending arguments just make me wanna step back from the "circle" for a little while. maybe let our tolerances build back up a little for eachtoher. let the ego heal a little.

just *breathe*.