There are questions i seem to always be asking myself.
One of them is, "Why must i always learn things the hard way?"
The thing is, i've always been a mega screw up... i thought that would change in university but it hasn't.

i made a HUGE mistake last nite. i made an assumption and flew into a fury... i accused someone i considered as one of my closest friends to be not a friend at all. rumours have this way of getting messy i guess... miscommunications thrive because of the stresses of school and housing and maybe in part because there are so many freakin girls here. and i can truthfully say taht things were miscommunicated to me... but that gives me no excuse for making the assumptions taht i did.

I love this person so much. They've held me together these five months... they've been my confidante, my 'mom', my person i knew i could always count on despite whatever little bickerings or arguments. they've been there for me through my MOST annoying or immature moments. i've done things i thought would make them leave but they never did. and without saying that they even cared... it was so clear. i guess i was so sure that our friendship, although not perfect, was REAL.

but because i AM such a collossal screw up... i heard a rumour ... "logically" pieced things together in my head, and because of my extreme shock and hurt and confusion, just ... lost it.
i lost whatever self control i thought i had. i was bitter, scarcastic, and mean... even if all my accusations had been true, i had no right to act in that way. but i didn't think. and i didn't clarify (although it was because of a promise i made to someone else)... but that was wrong of me. especially since i did place such a huge trust on this person. i dunno what happened. it jsut hurt so much i dind't evne know what to say or do or... i'm not making excuses i'm just saying that you were one of the best friends i've ever had and i can't even tell you how sorry i am.

i know that a simple sorry doesnt' mend things. and it scares me that because of this character flaw i have never mended all these years... i find myself in a place where i have hurt someone i care about SO much and where i have taken one of the friendships i care most about and pretty much tossed it out the window. all i could say last nite was "ugh i wanna die i wanna die.. " but that's stupid. maybe becuase of my mistake, i have lost a piece of my heart... and things might never be the same.. but what's said and done is said and done. the only thing left to do is learn from this thing that i wish never happened.

"My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Your anger can never make things right in God's sight." James 1:19-20

"the more i learn, the more i learn, the more i cry, the more i cry... And i see You standing there... wanting more from me.. and all i can do is TRY."