mark it on the wall
The past three weeks i tried to convince myself to hate with intensity instead of love.
and then i realized i couldn't because i blamed myself more than i blamed you.
becuase i knew no matter how hard i tried i could never hate you and
because there is already so much bad in life, stuff i couldn't see and you couldn't see,
why i should i have brought even MORE bad in? becuase i was hurt? angry? regretful?
I think alot of the time we try to shut things out or overpower pain and heartache with venom and spite and anger.
Sometimes it's just easier that way. Hiding out until the storm passes.
Thing is, it never passes.
Someone wise once told me "Happiness is not a destination, it is a manner of travelling".

I've been trying to detach from my emotions. Experience then detach.
and it's hard. but something i'm learning and wanted to write down.
i dont' know what the point of this was except to say... for the first time in 3.5 weeks,
my heart doesn't feel lke it's falling into my stomach.
and it's a relief but i dont' want to just walk away saying to myself "yay it's over let's move on"
i want to walk away thinking ok. this happened. and next time maybe i won't fall as hard.
maybe i'll recognize it and it won't hurt as much.

ragtime

is officially BLACKLISTED.

annnnnnnnnd DONE.
history 253 is oVERRRrrr! studied my BUTT off AND i got a good amount of sleep! like FOUR hours thanks to kristina who let me crash at mkv =) *thanks*
annnnnnnnnd i made it back in time for 1/2 hr of vbs =) hehe
which is really getting better and better every single day. i'm really gonna miss it.



undecisive
should i stay in toronto sat nite? or should i come back for sunday?
see the kids are doing the service on sunday... but do i sacrife an entire DAY in toronto for ONE hour of being with the kids? ... blahhhhh i want both :*(

my song in a different context
"I know it's been heavy on your mind
Baby, give him up, he's not worth your time
Where is it that it says you need a guy
Well, you don't need his love to justify your life
So, he can go, let him go, make him go
You should want him to" - boyz ii men

and now...
things to do now that i have no more school =) ...
- finish fx insight
- go to toronto!!!! (for fx but ALSO to see my girls)
- hang out with kat and mo before they leave for hk tomorrow

- PAINT =) (i think i'm gonna do an oil)
- decorate my room. tear down the wallpaper? mmmm =)

and right now i'm going to eat some pizza :D i like being in a good mood. haha

vbs
wow. He answers prayer.
"Talk to God"
"WOW!"
it IS wow.

i've used the word wow four times already in this blog haha
but seeing God work through vbs... seeing the changes in ME today.
just... wow.

SLC
in the slc studying for my exam on thursday *gross*
but it's cool cuz i'm semi studying with derek. ok so we're not really INTERACTING but that is okay becauseeeee yeah i haven't hung out with him barely at all this term so it's cool to even see him =)
and bily tooo but sort of cuz he's on the other side of the room. haha

sleep and timmy's
less sleep, more timmy's
awww i miss rez life.

vbs tomorrow
exam on thursday

so i'm not goign to let this consume me.

w/e, right? right.

passion

i know what i want to do with my life.

i've been saying it for years but never realized teh actual POSSIBILITY... it's POSSIBLE. i wanna go to a developing country or impoverished area. i want to help kids. well... not ONLY kids but mainly kids. and i want to make a difference. not for a few days... few months but for my whole life i want to help in creating some positive affect on people who struggle with things people here take for granted.

it's just crazy cause i was reading brian's latest blog entry and i made a comment on how i wanna go on a holiday... and then i scrolled down and read his entry about the kids he met at Longlac and i wished with all my heart that i could be doing something like that at this exact moment instead of sitting here at slc reading history stuff... and then just... i'm just crying now. because i CAN. it's not just some silly dream. i can finish university and GO. i'm taking a Peace and Conflict Studies course in the fall. maeghan (my don) did a minor in that and you can take a certain number of courses and get overseas credits and they help you find an organization and raise funds to get you out there. my don just graduated and she's back to africa soon to work with people in aids awareness and prevention and work at a women's shelter. seriously, i cried when she told me she knew i would go eventually. and i'm crying now at actually realizing the very real possibility i could do the only thing i really want to do.

august already?

i'm not very visually or creatively inspired this month. sorry to make you look at a sloppily done banner :P...
did i tell you guys my camera broke? ... yeah the screen whited out. my LIFE is paused.

"well you need a blue sky holiday..." listen.

hehe ;)