mark it on the wall
The past three weeks i tried to convince myself to hate with intensity instead of love.
and then i realized i couldn't because i blamed myself more than i blamed you.
becuase i knew no matter how hard i tried i could never hate you and
because there is already so much bad in life, stuff i couldn't see and you couldn't see,
why i should i have brought even MORE bad in? becuase i was hurt? angry? regretful?
I think alot of the time we try to shut things out or overpower pain and heartache with venom and spite and anger.
Sometimes it's just easier that way. Hiding out until the storm passes.
Thing is, it never passes.
Someone wise once told me "Happiness is not a destination, it is a manner of travelling".

I've been trying to detach from my emotions. Experience then detach.
and it's hard. but something i'm learning and wanted to write down.
i dont' know what the point of this was except to say... for the first time in 3.5 weeks,
my heart doesn't feel lke it's falling into my stomach.
and it's a relief but i dont' want to just walk away saying to myself "yay it's over let's move on"
i want to walk away thinking ok. this happened. and next time maybe i won't fall as hard.
maybe i'll recognize it and it won't hurt as much.