"15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[3] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Rom. 7: 15-20

my apologies to anyone who was offended by my previous post.
did i mean everything i said? no.
do i ever when i'm ranting? no.
but i do reserve the right to be frustrated.
i did say it was a rant didn't i?
and i dind't say i hated anyone.
and no. this person doesn't even know i have a blog.
at least not to my knowledge.

thanks kreazeless gurlz... you three are the best.

"I can't talk to you right now, I'm late for a meeting with my guidance counselor"

i don't know how many times i have fumed and raved about how much i despise just being "the friend" all the time.
well... yeah. i guess i dont' only frown on it when guys ask me about my friends... i just generally dislike when people repeatedly make certain comments about them. i mean it's nice to hear someone say "wow! your friend *** is so gorgeous!!!" once in a while =) i'm happy for my friends yeah. but then ... when it becomes like a routine thing. like every time someone sees them or their picture "oh wow she's so pretty!" then it just gets annoying. like yes. i know she's pretty whoopdeedoo. and yes i also know she is smart and amazing at sports and can do this and this and this and this . and yeah? she can also bullsh** and kiss your ass pretty well too huh?!
grr.
like freakin get to know someone before "you" *(you being people in general) judge them. i mean, granted i don't look like Quasimodo but shoot me if i can't feel a little hurt because my friend can just stand there and have whatchamever people flocking towards her or asking me gazzillions of questions about her because of her "amazing beauty". people just *assume* that she is also intelligent, spiritual, and mature. well yah you forgot athletic and "has everything".

and you know what? maybe she seems to have everything. but what you see there on the surface.. isn't the real deal. not all of it anyways. and maybe she knows how to slap on a dumpload of make up and keep her mouth shut except to say all the right thngs and kiss butt-- but newsflash! so can i. i just choose not to. i'd rather be this real live flaw-filled girl anyday than a perfect fake.

ending rant now.

rugby




what an amazing experience.
it's crazy how much i'm gonna miss rugby now that the season's over ... our second year team fought hard to get into playoffs and continued to fight hard to win waterloo county quarter finals and semi finals... at finals we faced the only team we'd lost to all season-- the undefeated Grand River people.. and lost again =P .. however the top two teams of each county continued on to face all the top teams of central and western ontario yesterday at cwossaa in hopes of moving on once more to ofssaa to play against the top teams of all of ontario...
i think we were pretty proud of being a second year team at cwossaa yesterday, and playing the Walkerton Trojans who won bronze in ofssaa last year, we didnt' really expect to win... and we didn't =P but we walked away from that knowing we had played hard and had a great time =) ...

i still remember back to the beginning of the season. the first practice was insane. it hit me like a thousand pound boulder being dropped on my head of how out of shape i really was. by the end of that practice my voice was completely gone and i was seeing splotches of random colour flashing in my eyes. desperately calling g to meet me at st. cins i remember just freaking out to her so much in between gulps of water and gasps of air of how it would be impossible for me to make it through the season...
there were ups and downs... dreading practice, trying to get more fit, being completely frustrated about not being able to do thigns right... but then there was the team. the team made it all one of the best experiences ever. just knowing that no matter how skilled or not skilled someone was at whatever... whether someone was having a good day or a bad day... everyone was there supporting her. cheering her on. for some people it was the tackling or the scrums or the kicks .. for me it was the running. gosh man. i suck so much at running. and yeah i was pretty slow and wanted to give up so much in the beginning .. but when everyone runs together as a team and your friends are all around you cheering you on or the best player on the team is running beside you grabbing your arm and dragging you that extra 20 m to the end... it's ... quite an experience. At first.. very humbling because i rarely do things that i can't do well for the sake of my pride... but then... just a great feeling in knowing you have so much support and that no one really cares whether you can run or etc or not. rugby this season has taught me about perseverance and teamwork and has been the subject of many conversations, laughter, and tears, and has been the basis upon which i have built many amazing friendships that i truly treasure. =)
and when we are all in a big bunch with our hands piled up and we cheer "family", that means something.
and i wouldn't trade that for all the days i missed sitting on my couch watching Passions. =)

poooooop!
blogger deleted my template!!!
>_< had to start all over =P

happy *actual* birthday jess! =) hehe =)

CWOSSAA at Walkerton tommorow lol baha.. bringing lots of water =P
prolly last day of rugby this season *tear*

yay for eunie! who loves sunset beach like me =D
fyi, Sunset Beach was only *the* best soap ever until it ended =P

thanks for the cheesecake tiff =) it was yummy

gonna go to bed so i can get up tommorow... bus leaves at SEVEN!? O_o.
nite.

[saturday]
happy birthday jess!!! =) ... or is it tommorow?... =P

chilled at em's all day =) ate alot =)

bball - jo tiff mo wall simon and alex... my exercise for the weekend before cwossaa!!!!... oh btw, did i mention we lost finals? =P
so we're second best in Waterloo County... but considering we're only a second year team i think that's pretty darn good =) hehe ..
anyways monday we have cwossaa and that'll be it for the season... unless we win at cwossa which is ... highly unlikely. but we made it there at least! =) i'm gonna miss my team...

gray

i see gray.
this city is so dull right now. even the sky was gray today... thunder clouds looming overhead... sharp breeze and soon rain.
the weather seemed to eat up the city as if it was so sick of the monotony of it all, it decided to envelope it in its own version of gloom.
waterloo is so cold...
waterloo is so boring-- i complained to alexis on the phone, who happens to be in toronto. lucky duck. also i'm a lucky duck for him coming to the rescue as i was slowly being eaten away to death by the big gray monster called Melancholy.
i dunno. i supposed i have been feeling pretty blah for a few days. admist the extreme dullness, a few things have happened this week. none really significant or interesting or still existing enough to mention... other than Heid called yesterday =) it was nice to be able to catch up since she's in aussie and all ...
nice that she thought of me. made me feel really good considering i've been overwhelmed with feelings of insignificance lately i guess. you kno what's hard? feeling like a bother. it's always up to your own interpretation i suppose which is why it's so frustrating... cuz sometimes you'll think "i'm being a nuisance" and then you'll be like "oh no i shouldn't think that. that's so mean to think that so and so is treating me like a bother." i've tried to avoid the feeling but i guess now that i have some moments to spare i realize i feel very inconsequential. i'm not sure if that word is being used in the correct context.i don't know. just doesn't seem like people care very much anymore. not that God isn't good enough for me or i think i am going to die alone or whatever... but it still hurts.
meh.
so anyways... things like heidi calling and alexis letting me bug him while he's reading his comics has really brightened things up a little =)
unfortunately neither of them are here.
and so i'm back to how waterloo is the most boring place on the face of the earth.

a few things i've had on my mind a bit:
- is it possible to have no expectations whatsoever?
doesn't seem to be working for me. i mean... i do try. but there's jsut certain things that i do expect and ... well can you force yourself not to expect something that you do? and isn't it even MORE impossible when wants are considered expectations? like.. i can maybe want something and not expect it but if a want is considered an expectation then that's jsut .. well i am not at that level of maturity for sure. i guess maturity would be the word to use. self control?

- when we pray for something like... the weather being nice..
and say you're camping and you pray for no rain and it doesn't rain and you're like "PRAISE GOd! it didn't rain on me!" and it's like all incorporated into this big plan that God has for it not to rain on you. but if it rains then it has nothing to do with God ... i can't think of a better example off the top of my head but it seems like .. alot of the time it's like that.. when good things happen it's always God but when bad things happen it's never God. i'm not saying i blame God for the bad things that happen to me... or not even bad things more like good things *not* happenning.. but i dont' understand ... can it actually be adjusted like that? deciding what God does and does not affect?...i'm not really sure .. i have to think about it more. but yeah. just curious if anyone knows "the answer".

ps. my archives disappeared =( and blogging is too stupid to let me replublish them =(

purpose

sometimes things are so confusing because you don't know what is the right*est* thing to do..
i mean, more than one thing can be the "right" thing... but each has its downfalls...
but when you've figured it out finally, you have to do it.. even though it may break someone's heart and your own.
i'm so proud of you.

and at the same time i'm also stunned. i stand and look at the craziness i ... we went through.
and all for what?...
it seems like it was all for broken dreams.

but then i think again.
and no. maybe it was for the new found strength we have gained through this experience, or the lesson in considering eachother before ourselves, or the bond that is so much stronger between us because we know we made it.
maybe God was trying to show us something.

maybe that's what it was for.

30 hour was great =)
well... besides the hunger part =).. a great time of fellowship with everyone!
and in the end it was nice to have reflected on how certain people feel everyday... and how blessed we truly are to be able to have such abundant "supplies"... and how we shoudl really be thanking the Lord SO much everyday..
below: [left to right] top row: wayne, esther, jeff, wall, jasy, alex, caleb, dora
2nd row: jo, victoria, cyndi, simon, flo, kat, tiff



specially thanks to wayne =) thanks for chilling with us for 24 hours and helping everything work =) much appreciated =)

WE WON WCSSAA SEMI FINALS!!!!!!!! =D
[jumping up and down]
wow girls that was AWESOME =) we DEFINITELY f*cked them up! =)
muahahahahahaha

and now for finals on tuesday... =)
we've got some ass kicking to do =)

in an hour less four minutes it begins....
no food for 30 hrs....
in pondering this i realize... i eat ALL THE TIME.
compulsive overeater =P
haha...
staying at church tonight with peeps... bball, BIG DDR! =) , Now and Then, midnite walks... kreazeless "quality time" =)

WCSSAA quarter finals....
girl's rugby...
WCI v.s. KCI....
8 - 0 for...
WCI!!!!! =)
yay for us! =D


*groan* there's practice tommorow that means =P haha

blogging in the library again...
tara is madly finishing her essay...
and me? i'm escaping my ever pointless english class...

that baptism blog is still coming if anyone is actually still interested after an entire month.
but yeah.. i semi forgot until i read alan's comment in the gbookie..
and wow. i have to write abotu this.
"I've heard that the hardest time for Christians is in the weeks after their Baptism. So much prayer and preparation and then that
public testimony. Oh, how Satan abhors public testimony. The attack on our lives increases in some waning attempt to say, "You
stand up for Him but I can break you - where is your God?" But make no mistake. Amidst the disappointment of self and others...
Jesus Christ is still there. Patient. Strong. Still. Small. Voice. "
it';s weird. well not weird... more like... perfect. that right when i was at a huge point of self loathing i read that and ...
yeah see, these few weeks... well this month.. has been very challenging to say the least. i mean, i made a promise to God and myself that i was gonna work really hard to display His love in my life. but i couldn't understand because it seemed like there were more temptations then ever and at first i was okay but then they just kept coming and coming and i found myself failing in every way possible. and all i wanted to do was give up. because no matter how hard i seemed to be trying, i was still constantly disappointing myself and others. well.. i should say i AM still disappointing myself and others. cuz it is still kind of continuing. but i'm more braced for it now. because i acknowledge the fact that it's happening and have given it up to God. before.. well i thought it was just me.. id din't want to admit it because ... well i was just too proud. and i was thinking "gosh girl, you just got baptised and now you can't do anything right anymore. that can't possibly be normal." so i guess i tried to decieve myself mostly and pretend nothing was happening. but at least now i know i'm not some kind of crazy freak =) and i can just keep praying and not giving up =) so thanks alan cuz that was superb timing.

ps. HEIDI"S IN AUSSIEE!!!!!! =)

when the grinch stole summer holidays
study is cancelled once again and i, being too lazy to walk down to the 12 am sitting in the library again...

i went to guidance and picked up a summer school form ... gosh. the sufferings a girl's got to go through just to do highschool in 4 years. first off.
summer school starts at 8:30 am and goes until 3:00 !!!!! that's later than normal school. ok by five minutes but STILL. and PLUS... lunch which is termed the "nutrition break" is only half an hour long. how does one have lunch in half an hour?! i definitely need more than half an hour for lunch. geez. it's like they assume that people who take summer school are a bunch of people who dont' do anything or go to class during the year or something. HELLO. wronnnnng. geez man, have a little respect for my needs =P . although they should respect everyone's needs no matter what anyways. they get paid for this we don't. gah. i need more than half an hour to eat. >_< there's not even food allowed in class! is this a jail or something? i eat in class all the time in NORMAL school. we are not freaking juvenile delinquents. hmph. wanna hear the rest of these illogical rules?
ahem here goes.
i'll start with the food one:
food: food is allowed only in the cafetorium. [cafetorium?? O_o] please place gabage in conainers and/or in recycling bins. Bluevale: the front of the school is out of bounds during the nutrition breaks. [yeah. bluevale just so happens to be the one i'm going to]

also very ridiculous...
attendance: students must bring a note accounting for every absence. This note should be signed by a parent or guardian and should be given to your classroom teacher. After 2 absences [TWO!!!] further absence reluts in removal. Two lates equal one absence [ O_o what the hell? so if ur late like 2 minutes twice that equals 13 hours of not being there?!? is that reasonable?! i think not.]

i enjoyed this part of "dress" though:
"shoes are required" hehe

anyways. i just feltlike spazzing out a bit about it. since i can't believe i'm stuck doing this for the whole month of july. GAHHHH. ahh wellz at least dora and jo will be there to suffer with me.
oh also i just realized something else: being cooped up in a school for 6.5 hours = NO TAN!
woe is me. =P

btw, to clarify... what i just wrote below has absolutely NOTHING to do with this

this has been somewhat of a disappointing week.
to top it all off ... i've been somewhat of a disappointment.
i dont' know how long i've been kicking myself becuase i can't do things right. and gosh. i screwed up pretty big..
i'm just so upset with myself because i've violated what is one of the most important things to me.. that being trust.
AHHH why am i such an idiot!?
i suppose i will just learn from the situation but... at the same time i can't stop being so angry with myself even if the other party is no longer upset with me. just cuz i really care abotu them... and i never mean to hurt anyone but i do. why must i be so incompetant? and why must my incompetance always hurt the ones i love most?

tried to take my mind off it but also wallow a bit in my misery... things i found most therapeutic:
- biking with di
- thick chocolate milkshake from st. cin's =) *drool*
- 3 Doors Down : Away from the Sun
- banging on the drums
- drumsticks at sobeys
- dixie chicks =) (thanks beata)

i'm so sorry...