gray

i see gray.
this city is so dull right now. even the sky was gray today... thunder clouds looming overhead... sharp breeze and soon rain.
the weather seemed to eat up the city as if it was so sick of the monotony of it all, it decided to envelope it in its own version of gloom.
waterloo is so cold...
waterloo is so boring-- i complained to alexis on the phone, who happens to be in toronto. lucky duck. also i'm a lucky duck for him coming to the rescue as i was slowly being eaten away to death by the big gray monster called Melancholy.
i dunno. i supposed i have been feeling pretty blah for a few days. admist the extreme dullness, a few things have happened this week. none really significant or interesting or still existing enough to mention... other than Heid called yesterday =) it was nice to be able to catch up since she's in aussie and all ...
nice that she thought of me. made me feel really good considering i've been overwhelmed with feelings of insignificance lately i guess. you kno what's hard? feeling like a bother. it's always up to your own interpretation i suppose which is why it's so frustrating... cuz sometimes you'll think "i'm being a nuisance" and then you'll be like "oh no i shouldn't think that. that's so mean to think that so and so is treating me like a bother." i've tried to avoid the feeling but i guess now that i have some moments to spare i realize i feel very inconsequential. i'm not sure if that word is being used in the correct context.i don't know. just doesn't seem like people care very much anymore. not that God isn't good enough for me or i think i am going to die alone or whatever... but it still hurts.
meh.
so anyways... things like heidi calling and alexis letting me bug him while he's reading his comics has really brightened things up a little =)
unfortunately neither of them are here.
and so i'm back to how waterloo is the most boring place on the face of the earth.

a few things i've had on my mind a bit:
- is it possible to have no expectations whatsoever?
doesn't seem to be working for me. i mean... i do try. but there's jsut certain things that i do expect and ... well can you force yourself not to expect something that you do? and isn't it even MORE impossible when wants are considered expectations? like.. i can maybe want something and not expect it but if a want is considered an expectation then that's jsut .. well i am not at that level of maturity for sure. i guess maturity would be the word to use. self control?

- when we pray for something like... the weather being nice..
and say you're camping and you pray for no rain and it doesn't rain and you're like "PRAISE GOd! it didn't rain on me!" and it's like all incorporated into this big plan that God has for it not to rain on you. but if it rains then it has nothing to do with God ... i can't think of a better example off the top of my head but it seems like .. alot of the time it's like that.. when good things happen it's always God but when bad things happen it's never God. i'm not saying i blame God for the bad things that happen to me... or not even bad things more like good things *not* happenning.. but i dont' understand ... can it actually be adjusted like that? deciding what God does and does not affect?...i'm not really sure .. i have to think about it more. but yeah. just curious if anyone knows "the answer".

ps. my archives disappeared =( and blogging is too stupid to let me replublish them =(