goodbye
oh apparently i'm naive now as well.
proud, naive, ... well this is it. take one good long look at me. cuz i'm not coming back the same.
goodbye.

>_<
it's one of those times again.. one of the times when my blog is of extreme use to me... when i feel my heart sink into my gut and i'm so confused .... and i'll be like "i gotta call.... no i gotta do.... no not that either... " and i really don't have a clue what to do or what to feel... you know what makes me so frustrated? when i dont' know what i want... like... i'll have this set way of doing things and that's what i believe in and that's how it's gonna be for me. period. but ... then i'll enter certain situations where these "ways" are unconciously self-compromised... and then when i step back and look at it... i realize how little sense it makes. like today i was watching Passions at my hairdresser's house and Kay was talking to Charity about how by forgiving Miguel for making love to Kay because he said that he thought it was Charity when he did it, would be hypocritical. and Charity was like "why is that hypocritical?" and Kay's like "welll... if you believe sex to be such a sacred thing and love to be linked to it sacredly then you really shouldn't take that and soften your standards and twist things to make it okay for Miguel to have compromised your beliefs jsut to get him in your bed. doing so makes you the biggest hypocrite i know." and... that's sort of how i feel except i'm both Kay *and* Charity.[oh btw, this is very NOT about sex =P] cuz on one hand... i believe so so strongly in a certain way i shoudl be treated and defend it quite strongly... but then on the other, someone goes and treats me in a way that i usually can't accept but.. for some reason which i don't know, i just let it be... and sometimes i even sorta like it. and then i wonder why sometimes i get upset about it and sometimes i dont' and maybe it's because i shouldnt' have let it happen like that in the first place... ?! if i make a "way" that "must be followed" should i not stick with it, no exceptions? ... if i don't, i sorta feel like i have no dignity... or maybe it's pride... maybe i really do have a "pride issue" ... maybe you were right...

happy belated birthday Jesus!!!! =)
christmas was great this year =) ... quiet.... nothing extravigant... alot of time at church and people's homes with family and friends =) food, cheer, and music =) a nice time to remember the GINOURMOUS gift God gave us--- JESUS =) He is truly the reason for the season! SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD!!!! no matter how much anyone complains about it being politically incorrect or whatever... i'm allowed to have freedom of speech too and i say I LOVE JESUS! *sigh* =) i love Christmas =)
here are someof the faces of Christmas...

and i just couldn't resist this ... this is Jesse!!! ^_^ the cutest baby *ever* =) one of them anyways =):



anyhoo... hope everyone had an awesome christmas!!!! =) post more later.. getting too tired of uploading pics =P

happy birthday!

HAPPY 15th WU BOY!!! aka wallace =)

Spiderman

spiderman, spiderman, friendly neighborhood spiderman... =) teehee... spiderman can swim =) that's rite! =) keke this is for eumie but feel free to read along about her feeshie =) ... he's doing good =) my sister hasn't terrorized him and i'm not forgetting to feed him or anything like that =) he *is* a really friendly fish! i'll like walk over and he'll swim over to the side of the bowl that i'm on hehehe... we had an interesting conversation about random stuff today he said he misses you =P he's also quite the model. he'll swim in cool positions and then sit like that for like a long time. or long enuff for me to take the picture anyways. he even looked at the camera and everything. it was quite quite cool =) lol looksee==>>



in the first one he's looking straight at the camera and then in the second one he's posing for a profile shot and then in the third one he's looking down at the camera =) hehehe

the past two days...

aside from watching Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers which was SOOOO GOOD!!! a lot better than the first one in my opinion... go see it! =) but pee first. i was holding it through the WHOLE movie cuz i didn't wanna leave ahhh... .. anyways aside from that was totally entirely filled with SHOPPING~ last minute tsk tsk. =P i was bored so i made an image inspired by my new MODROBES! but mine are navy blue =P... i shouldn't be buying myself stuff but ohwellies =)





on a totally different note... my friend Jeff's mom Pansy Lam passed away a few days ago... please keep her family and her close friends in your prayers... she was an amazingly sweet woman and a lot of people are hurting right now... i just pray God will lift them up in this time of suffering.

shopathon
went up to burlington to shopshopshop!!! ^_^ twas a LOT of fun =)

MITTENS I GOT MITTENS!!!! ^_^ *thanks way-mun* =) *props* LOL

will go more in depth tommorow. i'm sooooooo tireddd.... -_-zzzzzzzzzz

biology "class"
the scene opens in the WCI library where dora and jasmine are supposed to be in bio listening to MORE presentations but are sitting out here instead... lucky for them, mr. westoby is a nice friend =) =P

Jasy: sooooo.... what's up?
Dora: i have the runs...again.
Jasy: LOL yum.
so what are u gonna get tonite?
Dora: presents...isn't that what we're doing? eh? isn't brendan adorable?
Jasy: yeah and YEAH! heehehehehe... so nice. and funny =) "i make food for smart people"
Dora: if anyone gives him crap at the uw caf they're gonna hafta answer to ME
Jasy: muahahaha.... we should go there and say hi and stuff
Dora: yes. we should.


again.
wow. arent' our lives so interesitng?
Dora: i heard clapping...should we go in?
Jasy: do you really want to hear morrrrre people talk about genentics? O_o
Dora: i don't know what genentics are
Jasy: =P i meant genETICS.

yuletide


question: what the heck is "yule"?


Christmas is coming quickquickquick!!! ^_^ hoorah! accept NOT because i haven't even STARTED my christmas shopping yet! baaahhhhh... yesyes i know that's not the meaning of Christmas but i *still* wanna get the shopping done. come friday 'twill be MAD shopping. there is no better word to describe what i'll be like on friday. =P ... i am constantly brain storming for gift ideas... people must think i'm going crazy as i walk down the halls of the school making a mental note of interesting things people have on their backpacks or the clothes people are wearing... hoping and praying for inspiration... for some spark that will set off in my mind and produce a *perfect* list of all the presents to get people for christmas. *sigh* so stressful... not to mention my tight budget this year. ahhhh... =P


aside from stress from shopping... Christmas is always a huge time of reflection for me ... especially about the things that i'm grateful for. recently i've noticed i have magnitude of complaints and little emmissions of gratitude. so i decided that i need to think of one thing to be grateful for everyday. today... i am grateful for..... DA BEEN LOW!!! ^_^ muahahahahaha... we had "da been low" for dinner tonight. i have absolutely no idea what that is in english... perhaps hot pot... but i'm not sure if that's something entirely differnt. =P anyways... for people who don't know what that is it's... this amazing invention where there's this like electric pot in the middle filled with boiling water and all these raw meats and stuff ... and everyone has this metal scoopy thingy where you stick the food in and then dip into the boiling water to cook. and then you dump it in your bowl which is filled with a mixture of sauces like... soy sauce and sesame something... and yeah... oh my goodness SO GOOD LA!!! i love being chinese. *^_^*


was talking about diana krall to gen today and... okay seriously, don't u ppl think she sounds just like a man?? ... seriously i heard her song and i didn't know it was by her i thought it was by a GUY. so when i saw her in matt's "in rotation" stuff and downloaded "The Look of Love" and heard it ... i was like "WHAT??!??!?!?!" ... cuz i didn't know it was the same song since she really does *appear* to be female... lol that was so mean... sorry to diana krall fans =P

it's a non-titled blog! =) wait... or should it be untitled. yes. untitled it is. welll... it's saturday already... saturday night that is... technically one minute into sunday morning. which means there is one more day left of the weekend and then it's back to school again. heh, who am i to complain? at least i don't have finals unlike many. =P but yet i can't seem to want to complain about school all the time... i can't WAIT until after friday and then..... NO SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEkS!!!!! =) and guessss what i'm doing for those two weeks? jsut guess... that's right... NOTHING. absolutely NOTHING. welllll... i'm gonna do lots of stuff but academically? nope not a thing. i will do no homework or studying of any type. there is absolutely NO way. not that i need to beceause i have only one midterm in january. *basking in the thought of two weeks of relaxation*


drumming for worship tommorow... welll... today... i havent' drummed for so so long. and i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing. aiiiii i miss alexis!!!!!! but shmeh. i'm not out to impress anyone but God anyways so =) it'll be fun i hope =) i found myself wishing today that i could play saxaphone again... in grades 7 and 8 i played alto saxaphone for band actually although i am *not* a band geek (and this one time at band camp... =P ) i won the music award in grade eight hahaha and yeah. anyways. so i could play pretty well compared to some of the other ppl in my class and i liked it.. i *love* the sound of the alto sax ... we always got really nice parts of the song tooo... never like the same note over and over or anything... anyways. i miss it... miss jazzing up the room with my alto sax. yeah.. Praylude was rehearsing for our christmas thingy today... parts of it made me really pissed off... like the fact that this one person just *had* to play the lead role but since i got no help in writing it when i toldher i put her in the lead she was like "oh GOOD. i thought you wouldn't put me in it" and then today she was so extremely effortless in the part. okay i'm not the most avid playwrite but come *on*. why doesn't she just do it herself for goodness sake. but dora and jo and tiff helped to lighten the mood much =) thanks girls =) dora and jo by immitating shakira and singing opera and Only Hope[dramatically of course], and tiff by being all giggly and talking about boys =) haha boys always lighten things up ^_~ *grin*


word of the day: unpalatable
oh also... i miss art. i shouldn't have dropped art... *sigh* just one of those "i miss art moments".

i think...
i think i don't think fast enuff. haha... ahhhhh... okay. well somethign gy said to me today about being thankful for friends gave me this idea of starting this new blog all about all the ppl i appreciate and so i'm all like gung ho to do it and then i come upstairs and i'm like well i'll just read some blogs first so i'm all reading and then i get to erica's blog and lo and behold she just started a blog all about the ppl she appreciates HAHA... ahhh well it was her idea first =) so i will just have to write about ppl i appreciate right here. =)

there's been alot on my mind lately. "take a trip in the mind of a princess" heh well if you *were* to take a trip in there right now... what would you see... ladies and gentlemen please keep your arms and legs inside at all times .... bumpy ride ahead. well to your right here is what we like to call a "front". this is useful for reminding jasmine to keep a smile on her face and hold her head up when she walks instead of looking at her shoes. it is programmed to absorb some of the words that may try to slip past her head and out through her mouth but is only succeeding in catching some of them... repairs are currently being made as well as upgrades such as letting the "front" fall in front of the eyes so others can't see the feelings in them. and... oh i'm sorry. that is the end of the tour. the rest of the mind has been hit by a rather large storm and it is impossible for anyone to get through. thankyou that'll be twenty five cents please. ¬_¬ ... okay. the jist of it is... things are changing. and i dont' like it. if u kno me u kno i don't like change. change makes me spaz. =P but this change... *sigh* it's a direct hit on my pride. that's something else i've really realized. i have too much pride. i dunno... i have a question. is dignity and pride the same thing? ... just wondering. anyways.. it's just... been so crazy because i'm taking some of this really hard because of my immense pride and then i can't even talk about things to anyone ALSO because i am too proud to show others how proud i am. does that make any sense? like i know how bratty i am being yet i can't help how i feel so i try to hide my feelings as best i can so as not to let others know of how much of a brat i really am. for once i actuallyhaven't told anyone about my feelings... well that's not entirely true i guess. i've told like... three close friends bits of it. but none the whole thing and mostly i've just talked about vague vague feelings or small small details that contribute only slightly to the bigger picture. i've told God about it... but i am only praying for him to take these feelings away because... i just don't even feel justified in feeling them. ugh. i'm so frustrated... but something good came out of it. devotions haha... well... see a long time ago a close friend wrote me a letter and in it was this verse that Paul said that is *exactly* how i'm feeling right now. and funny but i remembered that verse so i took some time to flip flip flip and here it is:
"I do not understand what i do. For what i want to do i don not do, but what i hate i do. And if i do what i do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As is its, it is no longer i muself who do it but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that uis in my sinful nature. For i have the desire to do what is good but i cannot carry it out. " Romans 7:15-18
and...
"For in my inner being I delight in God's law but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work withing my members. What a wretched man am i! who will rescue me from this body of death. thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:22-25

i'm tired. but i'll just leave you with that. it was really encouraging to find that even paul struggled with the same thing. and God had a HUGE plan for him. i guess he maybe has a huge plan for me too =) aside: i love how paul is so real and genuine in his feelings. it makes him a much more interesting author/person

14 days untill christmas!!!! ^_^
wooooootttt!!!!
bhanu my cow does NOT have FOUR EYES! =P

amusing things today:
- mr. westoby signed my guestbook... and dora's but he signed for me in dora's and for dora in mine =) ahhh he is funnnnyyy
- *lines* of stationary hahahaa....

horrible no good very bad day


see: friends falling apart, things i once had slipping out of my grasp, hurting eyes,


hear:more and more and more bad news, my mere presence causing my friend sadness..., goodbye.


feel: broken hearted, tension you could cut through, tears flowing. ---numb---


taste: bitter words being hurled from my mouth, more "cussing", "clean and unclean water flowing from the same stream" >_<


smell: hatred, betrayal, sadness, more to come...


wish: to disappear, yet i have already become invisible.


i just want everyone to be happy...

oohhhh!!!!

i forgot to mention remember the other day ... on the third i was writing about this girl who wasn't a christian etcetc who i was praying for and wanted to reach or whatever? well she hasn't been to our church for a while but she came today and i was like SO psyched! ^_^ actually she came becuase her grandmother got baptised!!!!!!! which is SO COOL!! i mean, it's not *her* getting baptised but it's a huge step because... i guess... if her grandmother makes that type of a decision in spite of the pressure from her family... so can my friend. and yeah. i just wanted to share that cuz it was just really encouraging.

old?

haha i was reading Ivan's blog and i jsut wanted to say.... half of the stuff that makes him old also applies to me =) muahaha i'm old too heeeeee no ... but for *me* these are reasons why i've been in waterloo TOO LONG. but i still love it... most of the time =) here's what we having in common:
- you have to tell people that Wayne Pau DOES play drums and not just guitar
- you remember Erbsville Rd. used to be a dirt road with no houses west of it and you keep telling froshes and second years in the car that story over and over again
- oh and you also tell them that the Sobey's plaza (Columbia/Fischer-Hallman) wasn't there two years ago
- people say "Who's Dylan?"
- everyone knew Sandra
- English service at KWCAC was held downstairs [also, it used to be held in rms 5 and 6 with only a piano and a singer for worship]
- [ccf] actually had an CCF overhead guy named "alan liu"
- alexis a.k.a Britney is now in 3rd year

and here's some of my own .. [ahem] You know you've been in Waterloo too long when:
-all of the above
-longlonglong time ago grads come up to you and say "YOU'RE JASMINE?? i remember when you were *this* big and ......"
-you have pictures of yourself with Carey Wan only you're three and he still looks the exact same as he does now..
-you remember when there was no Food Basics, there was Superfresh.
-one of your best friends is now a frosh.
-oh wait did i mention some of the froshies are only 2 yrs older than me? as apposed to some of the grads i know who are 12 years older O_o ... oh my goodness.
-pastor tim used to be just tim. and you were here for his uhhhh pastorization? ... and remember all these parents going "you have to call him PASTOR tim now!! not just tim!" muahahaha i never converted fully =P ... rebelrebel lol
-you remember when at KWCAC rooms five and six didnt' used to be there, and neither did that back of the sanctuary where the english congregation sits during joint services... you also "contributed" in the building of these rooms by throwing little rocks inside the windows that were then holes...
and there's more... but it's gonna take up too much space so meh. wow man. but i still love this place. how crazy is it that in less than 2 years i'll be a frosh??? yo man lil jasmine who used to sit in the back of the basement english kwcac services and make fun of so and so being couples and stuff ... (ok i sort of still do that but not like i used to... i mean, i used to allllways make fun of jeremy tao (remember him?) and sandra being a couple and then i called shabba the other woman... man oh man.) but yeah... so crazy!!

there was baptism at kwcac today... Congrats to Ray and ummm Iris' mom =P on getting baptised!! ^_^ and also, congrats to Bun and AneeeetA for transferring membership muahahahaha ur one of us now ^_^ teeee* went out for lunch with tiff's family, my family, jo w, jo k, and emzie at sic duc hay... ok. i'd have to say that was *quite* a humiliating experience... i was introducing jo (siah) to my parents and they're like "oh hi" and tiff's mom is like "OHHHH!!! THAT"S THEIR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER!!!!" o_O and i'm like "cha this is my *FRIEND* josiah." =P blech. and tiff's dad was like "oh it must take a lot to "take care" of these kids" and i'm just like beside josiah trying to hide under the table. geez man... i know he didn't mean anythign by it but come *on* take care? gosh we're not liek 5 years old and we don't run around screaming or anything. gargh. a bit frustrated. but it's ok. will deal will deal.
ooh! and also my aunt bought me things from hk including my personal fave.... a *sweetass* jean jacket that's furry on the inside and on the collar from ABERCROMBIE AnD FITCH!!! ^_^ woot! yeah.
ps. i'm gonna marry either shane west or milo v. (jess from gilmore girls)!! ^_^ yayayayayay *grin*

friends in high places...
Ladies and Gentlemen ... may i present... Mr. WALLACE WU (aka W^2) the VIOLINIST *not* violist. as The Record put it *tsktsk* i had to listen to this guy play for like 8(?) years, get it right!
*this* is my boy:

yeah... uhh the first pic is when he was 5... awwww isn't he so cuuuute? but he doesn't realllly look like that anymore although he still has the dimples. poke poke.[i have to reach up to poke now. O_o how sad] and the second is us having some freeeeezzziiiieee fun at 30hr famine yes i know i look awful but hey i just didn't eat for 30 hrs. that's what happens. yeah.. so wallace started playing the violin umm... maybe when i was 8 and he was 7? i think but i'm not positively sure. ANYHOO... this stupid boy used to force me to listen to him practice O_o and listen to violin tapes in the car and when we were at his house he'd either play for me or show me his violin stuff or... zzzzzz and i started to miss playing Lego =P yeah i've never really been a classical music fan.. but now that the kid doesn't squeak when he plays and he's in ARCT(mad mad MAD skillz) and he won some crazy competition it says in the article... he's realllly good and i enjoy the sound of the violin. sounds great in worship too ... i still don't think i could sit through a whole song of his though especially since they're like what 10 min long or something. *and* he has become not a violin geek anymore just madly madly talented. so go check that record link out and maybe u could even go to his special feature concert and go support my bestest boy =)

the future... pshaw.*what* future?


"i still find need to pray... sometimes i get tired walking through these ordinary days. if nothing else i get to see you even if we never speak all the words sometimes we don't quite know what they really mean. i dont' know where i dont' know how i dont' know why but Your love can make these things better." jars of clay~ i am SO SICK of this. i am sick and tired of not knowing what i want to do with my life. i'm sick of feeling all this pressure to know.. to do well in school... to whatever. it's like i'm in some kind of glass jar and these giant people are observing and analyzing me. my parents went to Parent Teacher Night today... basically it's not really interviews you just walk around and talk to all the teachers you feel like talking to or whatever i guess. no... my teachers didn't go balistic about how much they hate me. in fact they said mostly good things. so you must be wondering.."what the heck is wrong then?" well what's wrong is that apparently it's still not good enough because i'm not sure what i want to do with my life. hell i'm sixteen years old since when did sixteen year olds have to decide what they wanted to do for the rest of their entire lives. i know this is so contradictory to what i normally say abotu how not to treat me like some retard because i'm young. but i'm just so stressed. i'm sure many 16 yr olds are quite capable of knowing what they want with their lives. but not me. perhaps i'm just stupid. PERHAPS?? no. i AM. i know i am. the marks... fine. whatever... they're ok. i can improve and i WILL. i DON'T need to stop doing stuff on the weekend to do so. i don't. i have it under control. you know what's sad? the things i do on the weekend are normally church related. not that church is sad or whatever i love it. but it's not like i'm partying all the time or anything. gosh. i'm such a geek compared to most of my friends.... but yet... i dunno. anyway that's not my concern. i'm not worried about my marks because i know that i can pull them out without having to stop doing stuff on the weekends. i know how to balance it out without stopping doing the things i love most. but what i *am* worried about is the fact that i dont' know what to do!!!!! ok. the guidance counselor supposedly said if i dont' know what i want to do by Feb. 2003 i should definitely take five years instead of four. ok there is NO WAY i am taking 5 years. you know they shouldn't tell people that because it tempts me to hastily pick something stupid to take so i can get out in 4 years. gosh people this is a girl's life you have in your hands. my LIFE. something i do for the REST OF MY LIFE. and i am not stupid. i'm not. i've always been an enrichment kid up til grade nine people used to ask me for help argh... memories of the smart days... sorry. i'm just so frustrated. ugh i have a headache. so... i have two requests. 1. stop bugging me stop pressuring me stop talking to me about school. just NEVER mention school in my presence again. ok. well not never but as little as possible. i am handling it and i am taking my future into my own hands.i'll do what is neccessary on my own schedule. [btw if this does not apply to you don't feel like i'm accusing eveyrone of doing that. i'm not.]
2. please pray for me. thanks =)

oh and also... if you can be of any academic assistance please feel free to contact me hahaha... =P bah.

helpless


i heave a sigh as i hold my head in my hands. argh. i wish i read the bible more. it's just been so weird these past few days... last night someone who was a really good friend of mine was talkign to me about their life. i guess... well this person's being going through a difficult time and stuff and i was prepared for the bitterness and sadness about it all but i wasn't prepared to hear one thing. my friend told me that they aren't a christian anymore. this is on icq so like i read the msg and just sit there for prolly ten seconds totally stunned. you see.. not only do i care alot about this friend and love them so much and want them to be happy and everything... but this friend was also at a point in my life somewhat of a spiritual role model. it made me recall this girl i once knew when i was like 10.. i looked up to her so so so much and thot that is *exactly* what i wanna be like when i grow up. she was pretty and cool and smart... she cared about me.. and she was what seemed to me a devoted and spiritually mature christian. but then when i was like 13 i found out she became a mormon which she tried to sort of hide by writing in her letter that she'd "switched churches" i can't tell you how much that devastated me. i was so angry for a bit abotu how she could just lie like that or how i'd looked up to her for so long and she just.... and then i just cried, cried for my friend cuz i loved her and couldn't believe that she wouldn't be going to heaven. but it scared me that she used to be a role model to me. anyways. my friend i was talkign to last night didn't become a mormon. i guess he didn't even fully become a non christian but he does't want to be one. or he says he's not but he still believes in God... but he would rather burn in hell then live in heaven with the people who hurt him so bad and call themselves christians. i can't say all of these people who hurt him are completely wrong because there are two sides to every story and i know parts of both. and i can't say that it is justified that he bases his faith upon the actions of others. it's not. but gosh it makes me really think abotu the way i act. becuase i know that one thing i do could make someone lose everything and reject the one good thing in their lives which is Jesus. so crazy... doesn't it scare you to know you have potential power like that? anyhoo... i was praying and praying and just asking God to give me the words... i said some stuff but i think... that my friend just wants love. at least that's what i interpreted from what he was saying.
next thing is that this girl... i guess she's my friend although i dont' know her very well... called me tonight. i was really surprised that she did cuz she's never called me b4 and it's always been me calling her to tell her to come to Praylude or church or stuff... she comes to our church sometimes but she isn't a Christian... actually she's part Buddhist part Catholic... due to the fact that her family fluctuates in their choice of religion and she goes to a catholic school. so we ended up having this discussion about choice of religion and what she believes and how she feels all this pressure cuz she's not totally sure of what she "is" persay. and it was just so weird cuz i always want the opportunity to witness to this girl without having to seem like i'm pressuring her to become a christian. and so God just sets it into my hands... i mean *she* called *me* cuz she wanted to *talk* and she talked about this and stuff. and... i was praying for guidance but i wasn't sure of what to say and ... well... i'm not sure if anything i said made much sense to her. ugh. i feel like i'm walking in circles i'm so frustrated with myself. if God gives me opportunities like this i should be prepared to use them as greatly as i can toward his glory. gosh. i'm sorry Lord...

-_-
*breathe in*
*breath out*
can't *wait* til christmas vacation =)

scrubscrub
guess what?! i finally washed my cow today =D HEEEEEE so clean and fluffy and you can see his COLOURS better ^_^
birthdays---present and past(oops)

umumum.... ok let's seee...
the 25th: happy 12th bday belita!!! :)
the 27th: happy birfday to superman!! (aka jeremy) check ur msgs on ur voicemail =P
the 28th: happy bday to tangy zip of miracle whip! (aka pat tang :))
TODAY: happy bday to ivan! =) heee


concept
they had this one red hot chilli peppers song umm ...Under the Bridge i think and my friend brandon was singing it and it was sooooo cool they had him walk down the isle with a spotlight of white light reflecting off his white white shirt and he's a cutie too combined with his amazing voice brandon looked like an angel (sounded like one too) wowwww... *full body goose bumps* that was my fave i think. plus justin with his mad violin skills completely sucked the breath out of me again! *full body goose bumps again* oh my goodness this boy is too talented whenever he plays violin or piano i just get so mesmerized... i rememebr when i was in grade 5 i used to like him HAHAH yeah justin =P but he already knew that. and the reason is largely because when i was at his house he was playing "Somewhere Out there" from Fivel Goes West on the piano and it was SO GOOD ahhhhh mad skillz mad skillz... plus robyn did a solo in one of the songs and it was SOOO good!!! yay i've never heard her really sing b4.. wow. and i liked this one song that Marley Otto sang (she is sooooo amazing) i dont' know her personally but she looks just like christina ricci no jokes! anyhoo, concept was great the skits were so funny too... hahaha paul botros in a speedo eeeewwww haha but it was funny =) after the show dora and i went to go get BBT but sweet dreams was packed so we went to mel's instead for milkshakes and dawn and joseph and elaine and uhh a bunch of ppl were there i guess having a snack after ccf and sitting at the table right next to them was robyn and sabs and all the director producer pplz from concept hee so i was like "hi!" .... "oh hi!" haha two big groups of ppl and then just me and dora... ahhh and then she went to the bathroom and it sorta looked like i went by myself (haha) so i was like rummaging through my back trying to look preoccupied hahahaha...

piano
i think i've been hanging around GY too much lately because i just played like an hour straight of piano hahaha twas fun actually.. i quit piano in april but yeah... was just havin fun banging out notes and playing my dad's chinese songs and stuff... actually i was playing from the book that Wings of the Dawn is in (the song mccf sang for lifesong) and yeah did i mention i got addicted to that song? cuz my parents have the cd and #14 is that song sung by this guy that has a NICE NICE voice and wow... i wish i could sing it with him but i can't cuz i speak ZERO mandarin. blah someone teach me mandarin!! i'm gonna go ask gen now to teach me how to speak mandarin or sing the song at least hahaha lateerrrrz..

concept

was awesome!!! =) ... awwww... i miss concept!!!!!! almost wish i didn't quit... but not quite... =P
mel's is a coooooooool place =) yummmmiiiieee milkshakes..
i'm so tired and out of it i'll blog more about it tommorow but.. yeah... shouts to erin, em, tara, robyn, amalia, brandon, brian, jasonsensation, just, esther, sabs, tami, and everyone else.. YOU GUYS WERE AMAZING =) sorry i'm not forgetting about you just tiiirrrreeeddd... ahhhhh sleep is much needed. nites nites ~*~*~*~*

apologies...


it seems as if i have been apologizing a lot on my blog lately as i mentioned to a friend earlier this evening... perhaps it is because when i write here alot of the times i'm in emotional extremes... if u know me, you know i'm *such* a drama queen... and tend to exaggerate and tend to say stuff i dont meant when i'm mad and... yeah. i dont' think that's going to change. this is my "rant centre" the place where i can spill out my feelings and be heard without being heard... i don;t know if that makes sense...
i just re-read my blog about the invisible list person... ouch. wow. humhumhum how do i begin... i know this is going to lose me respect but i deserve it a lot. i was wrong. when i said i was sure about the invisible list thing i was wrong. well i didn't lie but i thought i was right when i wasn't. basically, i trusted icq over my friend and that was so so wrong of me. and all through that blog i was ranting on about how much i didnt' like that person and how much that person was a horrible friend when really it was me being the horrible friend the whole time. i should have asked them right off the bat but i didn't. i did try to talk to them on monday tuesday and wednesday without success... i didn't wait all the way until today... but i "found out" last thursday night and didn't try to talk to them until monday. i should have clearified it right away but yet again my pride and my anger got in the way of reasonable thinking. i managed to get in touch with the person tonight and talk it out. i can't even begin to explain what a huge relief it was to do that... just because i guess i've missed this person so much. (ahhhh so corny...) but yeah... it was just good to be able to sort of talk in an unburdened manner after what seems like so long to me. agh enuff about that.. what i am trying to say is not to the general public i guess i dont' need to apologize to the blogging community about this except for if i freaked you guys out a lot haha sorry =P but to my friend whom i falsely accused of doing stuff i am SOOOOOOOO SORRRRRYY!!!!! honestly i know i said this already so many times but gosh i'm so so so so so so so so sorry and if i could fillup this page with sorry's i would except that would not be very productive or anything... i could just write why i'm sorry and that would be prolly more better ahhh ok... you've been such an amazing friend to me for whatever period of time i've actually talked to you and it's weird cuz even though i trust you completely with all these things i so quickly doubted you because of the stupidness of icq without bothering to ask you (for so long) whether or not it was actually true. and that's so wrong of me and i'm sorry. and then you go and be all crazy understanding about everything and man i just .... i dunno what to say all i can say is i'm sorry for being such a crappy friend and writing all this crap about you that wasn't even true becuase none of it actually even happened really.. *i'm* the one who's immature and *i'm* the one who's "the lowly creatures that feed on the scum of the dirtiest pond water" =P omg i feel awful i even considered deleting icq from my computer but decided that was just too impossible for me to part with HAHA =P bah. gosh... i've jsut been such a bum this past month and a bit... i guess it's just cuz i just miss things like before but that is totally not your fault and i really need to grow up. ha i can't believe i said that now "guest" can come back and be like MUAHAHAHA you agreed with me hahahaha... but i guess they are right in a way i just didn't enjoy the manner in which they stated their thoughts. anyways... i digress too much... i wish i could make a more elaborate apology but just picture me on my knees with a puppydog face ok? =P luv ya so much =)
kk... i gotta go sleep becuase i have school tommorow... nites
ps. concept tommorow nite! :)

Enneagrams

i was gonna take a little break from blogging after tuesday.... but why should i? :P
not a long post tho.. maybe later... went to angee's blog and then to take the emode test!! =) YAY for EMODE =D anyhoo... here it is:

Jasmine, you're a Type 4 - The Expressive

Friends, family, and colleagues likely appreciate you for this honest and expressive way of being. They're also apt to know that when they come to you with a problem, you'll offer them gentle, tactful advice, rich with examples from your own experience. As an Expressive, you're likely to be seen as someone who is strong in your own identity and in your perspective on life.

Being a member of this type puts you in good company. Singer/songwriter Sarah McLachlan, with her evocative, personal lyrics, and Bob Dylan, with his distinctive and poetic voice, are also Type 4s.

This means that compared to the eight other Enneagram types, you possess a strong sensitivity as well as a powerful creativity. Although you can often be introspective, that doesn't keep you from forming deep emotional connections with the people and places around you. In fact, your ability to search from within may just enrich your compassion and understanding.

blogging in the WCI library again...
"... and does not eat the bread of idleness"
*munch munch* ...


quarters...
quarters are good for calling ppl when you're skipping study to go volunteer but you actually don't have to go take the bus for another hour you just want to skip study cuz it's a pointless thing that they instill upon students cuz school is a form of prison. =P talked to jane for a bit hehe she's funny =)


glasses
i thought i just saw waiki walk into the library.
the guy comes about two metres away and i finally realize it's not waiki. not even close... the guy is cocasian (how the heck do you spell that? i was gonna put cockasian but cock + asian just didn't seem right... ) and he has no glasses and he has a flowered pattern on his jacket O_o. the only resemblance he bears to waiki is his haircut and the fact that his jacket is red. i need contacts or to put on my glasses but i have a headache so no. contacts!!!! i want contacts for christmas. ahhh sweet i jsut thot of what to ask for from my parents. here's my christmas wish list for my parents as of right now (not alllll these things i'm not that greedy):
* contacts
* new computer
*cell phone
*drum set
*the basement
*guitar
yeah... anyhoo, i think i should actually go catch the bus now... notice the cheerfulness in my voice? umm words? =) yayyayay back in a happy mood =) cuz i'm still on the honor roll!! ^_^ yay no devry for me =D ~*~ that is if i pass my math test tommorow *sigh* ... SEEYAZ =)

letter to my Heavenly Father
Dear God...
grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change...
oh but i just can't understand WHY!!... i'm sorry. you said "My command is this... love one another as i have loved you"
i *know* that ... i do ... then why does this hurt so much Lord? WHY is it that no matter how hard i try.... i still end up crying... screaming... spewing out words of impecable hatred... i just....
Betrayal. the very word sets off the situation in my mind and i cringe as the image of the person i thought was my friend stabbing me in the gut races throught my head and the tears fill my eyes again oh Lord there are so many tears.
i think of you Jesus.. You know betrayal. Two of your "best friends" betrayed and abandoned you in your darkest hour here Lord you understand like no one else could... and yet you cried out "Father forgive them for they know not what they do... " teach me oh Lord.. i want to walk in your truth.. give me an undivided heart.. i need you so much...
i think ineed to talk to the person and then i need to let go. but Jesus ... right now... could you just hold me... please.

love is what counts

do you ever have those weeks where a lot of annoying things are said and done to you or around you? well this happens to be one of those weeks for me. the other day, I heard from a friend that some certain people were talking about relationships...specifically romantic. somehow the situation of a 16-year-old dating a 21-year-old was brought up. and somehow during this conversation it was decided that such a relationship would not be able to function properly or last. i cannot even begin to express how absurd this idea is. first off, why would ppl even bother to talk about such a trivial topic?? why is it any of their business whether or not a sixteen year old dates a 21 year old or not? it really is their own choice of whether they choose to be in a relationship with whoever...the person they are interested in...and i don't think they should be subject to criticism from people who do not understand the feelings involving the relationship...puppy love, or perhaps even true love...and the basis in which their relationship rests. do ppl go up to 24 year olds who are dating 29 year olds and question the legitimacy of their relationship? no. and if so, the causes of their inquiry would most likely not concern age...and if it does, i suppose it might be because these ppl, along with the ppl who criticize the 16 year olds, have rods (with shards or SHRANDS) stuck up their ass and seeing other ppl happy just twists the rod and cuts the inside of their colon. well, let me twist your stick another way...i think you are full of crap and that you should go and find a gf or find a relationship...either that or just be content with whateer you have and don't go butting into other ppl's business. 16 year olds have more capability than you will ever know...age is not a factor in love. perhaps it may be a little more difficult for this relationship to work because a 16 year old does not know where they plan on going. this however, is something that can be easily worked around. the exact same problem will occur with dating university students and even married couples. don't give me that bull about how high school students don't KNOW about themselves or haven't disCOVERED themselves yet...some high school students have lived more than you ever will.

the cute virginity blog has been postponed until tommorow. tonight i have urgent ranting business to do in order to control myself from exploding in person. *supresss anngerrr... beee hummbbbllllleeee* it is SO SO HARD. gosh you have no idea. i suppose it is ok to feel stuff tho if i dont' react in an extremely negative manner... so i'm gonna try to let out all the negative energy here...


first off let me begin by saying how incredibly lucky i am to have a friend like Jesus. [ok it sounds like i'm accepting an oscar] btu seriously... friends come and go but He is always loving me.. always with me. i do value friends very highly though... perhaps too highly. at cell on saturday someone ... i think euming... said that girls can be so manipulative . let me tell you how true that is. ok. well... icq. you know how there is that neat little feature on icq called the "invisible list" in which you can place the icq numbers of the ppl you dont' want to talk to so that they can never see you online? well well well... this is something i use very rarely but when i do it's to block ppl that i dont' know who keep bugging me with sexual remarks or something. it is an INSULT to put someone on your invisible list. or for me anyways. and it's an insult to be on someone else's. gosh gosh gosh.... maybe i'm reacting to this so greatly because i dont'think i've ever been put on anyone's invisible list before... well before now. i think my number one pet peeve is to be ignored. ignoring someone... i find, is the LOWEST form of anger. the scum of all ways in which to deal with conflict. what? so you can't face up to me? you can't fight it out or make some sort of effort to resolve your grievances against me? what the hell. even when i'm completely pissed off i still at least respond to ppl and whatever and not go IGNORING them or putting them on my INVISIBLE list! gosh ppl would have to do something pretty dang mean to me in order for me to do something so drastic as to stick them on that list. well today i found out [don't ask me how... i have my ways... and yes i know for sure] that someone whom i *thought* was my "friend" [i scoff at the thought of that crap. this person to me now is nothign but the the lowly creatures that feed on the scum of the dirtiest pond water... ok. yes.. ] placed me on their invisible list. first off what an IMMATURE thing to do. yeah ok you call ME immature? right. whatever who's immature now? you arent' even mature enough to come up to me and tell me you dont' want to talk to me anymore. in fact in person you act almost completely normal but yeah that's right i can tell things are different even though you pretend not to be mad. gosh yo that was a month ago that all that crap happened and you're still pissed about that ?? why dont' you just go get a life honestly. and dont' tell me your'e not mad if you are. i don't care if you are or if you dont' want to talk to me! i do care however about the manner in which you deliver it. gosh dont' freakin lie about it and don't put me on your invisible list on icq. tell the truth and TELL ME if you dont' want to talk to me and i will deal. it is always your choice. not that i did anything but hey whatever. as long as i know and your'e not going on letting me think that we're friends but really we're not. you don't know... you can't possibly know how that feels... it really really hurts. i don't think you'll ever know about this. i dont' think you read my blog and i am never going to call you or email you or any means of communication. in person trust that i will do as you have done and act as if nothing has changed but inside, i'll dislike you more than you will ever know. and you definitely will not find out on icq because i have returned your favour.

amused
people say funny things...
dora: so how are we gonna get in to Jackass... ahhh! why is it rated R???
me: yeah i kno it's so stupid... and everyone is too busy to take us =P
jo: mmhmm
dora: well... we could *pretend* we didn't know it was rated R and see if they let us in....
me: hmm that could work...
kat:b b b but.....
jo: but what?
kat: but what if we get *ARRESTED*????
[hahahaha.... we never saw jackass =(]

today: "I don't disclose my *cycle*" [who said this is not to be disclosed either] HAHAHAHAHAHA


not amused
apparently i'm *cute* because i'm a virgin. explain tommorow. gnite

lazy
guess what? i get off school at 9:32 tommorow =D woot! this is somewhatly better than a pd day because i'll already be near like plaza and stuff so i don't need to walk down there to do stuff HAHA =P


beginnings
it's beginning.... the Christmas season... the time of year when the gently falling snow tickles your eyelashes for the first time in a long while and somehow your memory causes you to be giddy with the pleasant memories of winter. the memories of the murky slush, bitter cold and horrible traffic are neglected as i purposely place my new skechers into the crisp snow to savour the crunch sound that i know will follow. and accompanied with each crunch are images of smiling family and friends, lights, pine trees, and lots and lots of food. =) MUAHAHA i like food.;) and with all these simple traditions is the overall POINT of Christmas which is celebrating God's love in the gift of Jesus =) it's great... christmas reminds me of God's love in so many ways JESUS, the love that He shows us by placing people in our lives that love us, the beauty of everything around us.... *fuzzyfeeling*
hey check this, a *normal* picture (somewhat) of me and tiff on sunday ~ prettteeee snow!!!!


torn
you know what's frustrating? being torn between friends.... or rather, just having friends not like eachother.... i feel so bad. i dont' want to be disloyal to anyone. gosh. this is happening in more than one case ... BAH.....

opps


i think i need to apologize. i'm sorry about that picture *and* the rude explaination i posted yesterday.
okay. tiff and i *were* just really hyper and crazy but i guess that doesn't really entitle us to do whatever and not care about how ppl might interpret it. i guess when we posted the pic (which is gone now so if you never saw it forget about it.) we never really felt like we owed anyone an explaination which is why i was so irritated when certain people seemed to be "anal" about it. we were jsut like "whatever they just got no sense of humour" ... but i guess it's cuz they never offered an explaination or i never bothered to pay any attention to the explaination of why they didn't like it. i certainly don't want to portray myself like that for real which it could be interpreted as for real by some or it could be interpreted as some sort of alter-ego/ change in character that is part of me. it isn;'t. i dont' do drugs and i don;'t think that's cool or whatever. i guess it was just so far from the truth that we thot it was entertaining. and in reference to the caption.. we ARE church girls =) i love Jesus more than anything/anybody... and now that i think about it He wouldnt' be pleased by that either. so i'm sorry. this is a lot more sincere than the other one. i wasn't sorry yesterday that's for sure. but thanks to a good friend who took the time to explain why this might be objectional i was able to look at it in another point of view and realize it wasn't a great thing to do. =P thanks ^_^ kk ... will prolly post l8r but i wanted to do this b4 more ppl saw it.

sigh
aights. the pic below is pure jokes ok? wow. tiff and i were just really really really hyper it's not a big deal. we are not trying to look baddass we're not trying to promote the smoking of weed. i would take down the pic but then this wouldn't make any sense. maaan... it's like tiff said last night "i always have to clarify things with everyone and justify things with everyone" so true. so hears the clarification for those who didn't get a good laff outta it. sorry... just being crazy and weird.

icq deleted my list!!!! =( soooo... plz msg me thanks =)

snow is awesome =) snowwwwwyyyyyy pics should be up soon... i have my webshots linked now... i only have like lifesong pics and glo pics up tho ... gonna take me a bit but gonna get my pics up =)

kk... back to regetting contacts... l8r =)

high on life.
me and tiff.... are.... happy. rofl.... u'll see....

what tiff will never be... =P "punkrock prom queen.... "
don't i look cute? ... more like a deformed puppy O_o
my sister needs to stop eating so many beans.

tired.
gotta make a cd for worship but i just added two new links go check it out =P well erics isn't really new i guess i think she's already linked to losta ppl...
but let me introduce u to..... CHANGERBANGER =) HAHA now kat's the only "kreazeless" girl who doesn't have a blog... well... she's the only kreazeless girl who has a crease muahaha so i guess it all makes sense. anyhoo, dora has cool things to say go read it. i especially enjoyed the last paragraph of her latest post. TRU DAT girl!!! [btw this picture takes place inside the PIMPMOBILE lol]

last friday was a p.d. day for us =) HEIDI came home and us girls (me heid jo dora kat) went SHOPPING =) tried to convince heid to wear a dress to commencement but no luck :P heh. took some pics which i'll post very soon...
and after that i went to waiki's to chill a bit before Lifesong (ccf's evang thingy) which was awesome awesome awesome. God truly was working there ... everyone in it was awesome and gladys rocks!!!!! i'll post pics up too of it... soon... they suck tho.. id idnt' want to use flash cuz i didn't wanna disturb ppl... Lifesong reminded me about humility. something i think God was speaking to me about all that week. i jsut wanna stop holding grudges... wanna stop being so defensive... but i have a long way to go. God's been giving me less reminders this week ...and ijsut... forget. until yesterday and today... ARGH gosh i feel so crappy. how can i just ... i don't think before i speak. i wanna scream...
i love this song by Christina Aguilera "The Voice Within"... God is with me all the time... it's amazing. i kno she is not exactly the model of Christianity but she has an amazing voice and this song is good. :) it struck me particularily tonight. Jesus mold me.
The Voice Within
Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly

When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within

Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away (this part reminds me of something jehjeh said to me once)
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside your soul
[Chorus]Yeah...
Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know

new favourite song
a calming song for the freaky middle of the night =P
No Greater Love : rachel Lampa

Before I knew Your name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
Before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me

No greater love than this
That You should lay down Your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a lifetime wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be no greater love...
than this

I never understood how merciful love could be
Until I felt His flame light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
'Cause I have been saved
Yes I have been saved

repeat chorus
©2001 Dayspring Music, Inc./SGO Music Publishing Ltd./BMI/ His Eye Music/ Maggie Bees Music/ SESAC

i love Jesus. =)

english class

i'm at school rite now =) english... good times good times and for once i got a keyboard that the space bar is workin in.... robyn, nahayat, liz and harpreet went down to the caf and i decided to come back upstairs to the library cuz i'm a geek :P actually no. more just cuz i think blogging and printing off pictures is a better use of my time than hanging in the crowded caf where there's junior lunch rite now. plus i'm hungry and i dun wanna be tempted into spendin all my money on junk food :P bleh. need to save up those pennies for christmas :P
anyhoo... to clarifyyyyy.... AGHK! sorry. my blog is a venting spot...
ya kno (if ur a single girl) how sometimes you get into those phases where it jsut seems like everyone has a love life but u? and u wonder why? ... i didn't mean that i wanna be like whatever ppl and make out in the halls and stuff cuz no. i think it's rude. but when i see that kinda stuff ... it's sort of rubbed in my face that i dont' have a boyfriend and i wonder why. and sometimes that wondering turns into stressful thinking that's all. it comes and goes... other days i'm glad i dun have a bf cuz i'm so much more free :P like today. but gosh, sometimes a girl just really wants to have someone love her and cuddle her and tell her she's amazingly beautiful and the most amazing important person in someone's life :) God is really great for me like that (that was not meaning to sound like i have sexual feelings for God) just that he loves me so much and it's the most important thing to me. ... cuz without that i would have nothing to live for. so i'm sorry if i gave off the impression that the only reason i want to have a bf is to make out in front of lockers cuz that totally wasn't it at all. aiiiyyaa.... oH! and also thanks lyds for being soooo sweet ^_^ ur awesome =)

humhum. well now that i'm here in the library.. i'll describe my school's lib to you. unlike dc... it has only onelevel... and there are actually BOOKS in here. books you can read for leisure if ur an undercover bookworm like myself. there are nonfiction books too but not all of them are. i rememebr going to dc to study and wanting to take a break so i was like hmm maybe i'll just go read somethign and since this is a university lib there must be some more interesting novels than in my tiny little school lib... but i searched far and wide and came up with only textbooks and periodicals O_o. i think our lib is a lot prettier than dc i mean... i like the ceiling archetecture. i dunno how to explain it. but it's nice. i will post a picture of it later... OH! did i mention that i got a digital camera?? :D :D ... i am not really quite ready to convert to a digiphotographer... nope.. but i think digitals are convenient for taking pictures of nothingness that u just want for reference or for posting on the internet... no worries about wasting film :) and u can see it rite after so yay. but i still like *REAL* pictures better =P
speaking of pictures i wanna go print some off... bbl tonite... PD DAY TOMMOROW!!!! :D

Truth Beauty Freedom....

... and above all things LOVE.
all around me it seems that love has been quite in the air. it's as if eros has a certain fragrance that lingers near me but never with me like the scent of homemade cookies from home ec down the hall that i can never taste becuase i'm stuck in chemistry. or perhaps it's what i see... like that outfit from abercrombie that i just *need* to have but can't becuase aside from the fact that abercrombie isn't in canada, it is also too expensive. perhaps i just don't have the "money".. don't have what it takes for love anymore. not that i'm saying the past relationships i'vehad were love. i guess maybe i've never experienced true love. i haven't. the one time i thought i loved someone so much that it must have been deep and the truest love there ever was... faded a year and a half later. i still can't decide whether that was really love or not. some people tell me it was infatuation. maybe maybe not but i know that if it was it's not becuase i am incapable of being in love with someone.... but perhaps i *am* incapable of having a relationship with someone whom i love that deeply and who loves me just as deeply back. it's ok. i shoudl be ok with this. i tell myself "jaz u dont' need a boyfriend, you don't. u have everything. who wants to waste time on a stupid boy?" but i think i'm lying to myself as i walk down the hallways of my school and see people making out in front of the vending machine and i'm suddenly not hungry anymore and maybe slightly upset or when a couple in my biology class starts kissing while sitting in front of me and i wonder to myself why they can have it and i can't. gosh this is retarded.... does that ever happen to you though? you *kno* what you "should" be feeling but in your heart you're really longing for something else? there's this guy. i shouldn't like this guy i shouldn't. why? becuase he is someone i care a lot about... in a friend way. and i go and develop this retarded crush (cuz that is what it is a crush) on him and man it is so stupid. i never thot.. but see... i know what i *should* feel which is nothing and yet... what i do feel is my knees growing weak when i see him... my stomach doing a flip flop when i hear his voice onthe phone... i want it to stop.

trapped.

happy halloween!
didn't go out tonite hehe went to the church to help out with the family nite or whatever it's called :)twas fun! gots to see sum of my vbs kids again and i dressed up as a lil kid HAHAHA i was like one of the only ppl dressed up but ohwellies! it was fun :) all the moms were going crazy at how *cute* i was HA right... =P joanna dressed up as some guy that got his ass kicked HAHA how appropriate for church ^_~ check out hers here.
anyhoo.. here i am... i was actually wearing pajamas but i have a coat on cuz i just got inside =P in my hand is my gigantic lollipop i made out of styrofoam plates =P yes i realize i am a freak and my moocow =)

Mikey's Eatery

if you've never been to Mikey's you are most certainly deprived. gogogo it's in lovely loo's university plaza next door to subway...
since kat's parents own the place, we frequent there often [it's the "hangout" HAHA] =P during our visits there there is this guy who dora kat jo and i have gotten to calling "Venice" .. kat coined it... i dont' know what the reason behind the name is but... WOW. mann.. this guy is *the* ideal (physically at least) most likely the hottest guy i've ever laid eyes on in my entire life.omgomgomg and he's SO NICE!!! everytime i see him he always talks to me and asks me how i'm doing and stuff even tho we don't know eachother's name he is so sos so hot. anyhoo... today i asked him his name and discovered that it is scott. he shook my hand. ahhhhhh.... this is so exciting for me you dont' understand... =D

i also met gabe chan today... he's really nice... not really what i thought... not that i didn't like him or somethign before... just....i dun't know... he seemed sort of cold but he's not. i dunno.

i love charlie. [sushi man] he gave me free food again today and he always calls me angel... awwww!!! why isnt' everyone that nice? haha :)

ghost of christmas past
i saw janice yesterday!!! we haven't seen eachother for like a year! :P i also still have her book oops... but yeah.... she graduated from uw like almost two years ago! we were talkign about how incredibly fast time passes ... it doesn't feel like it's been that long but it has... so anyhoo, she came up to loo yesterday for a party but she came over before it and we had bbt and just talked for like an hour in my living room... while we were talking about everything i was thinking about that one blog lyds put up about 'ketchup friends' =P j and i can still talk and talk and talk which is so great but it's a lot more catch up stuff which is to be expected of course :) gosh i wish ppl didn't have to leave. but yeah... it was so great seeing her again!

today i went to this children's ministry training thing at church run by the "Central Canadian District Cluster Training Seminar" -- it was really really really good! firstly, they gave us lots of stuff HAHA =P that's how you win me, give me things :P jk.. but yeah they gave everyone the GREAT BIG GOD TAPE!!!!!!!!! *^_^* the Great Big God album is this kids vineyard cd that has a few songs on it that we used at our vbs in the summer :) me and bonnie were freaking out cuz we can listen to "our" song hahaha which is "God You're Good to Me" ahhhh such a great great great song :) what they talked about was really good too! i learned alot. i can't really type all out tho... too much stuff. they were talking about learning styles...i think i'm a 'talker' haha

anyhoo... i'm goign to go take advantage of that extra hour of sleep [turn ur clocks back] but i'll leave you with me and bun's fave:
God You're Good to Me: Vineyard
[chorus:]God you're good to me,
you gave me life and set me free,
you heard me knock and opened up the door....
God you're good to me, you opened my eyes and let me see,
I could search but i won't find *anyone*..... like YOU!!!

i know i dont' deserve this love you have for me,
You sent your Son to die upon a tree,
and sometimes when i'm feeling, far away from you,
i hear your voice it's calling me and i begin to SIIIINNNNNNNGGGG...
[chorus]
i know you'll always be with me everyday,
your spirit in me is showing me the way,
and i will try to be the best that i can be,
cuz i know your love for me is deeper than the sea!!!
[chorus]
bah ha you should see us in action =)

enhance your vocabulary

most people are familiar with the term FOB [fresh off the boat]..... but how many people are familiar with the term FOP? hahaha well at the moment-- two :) according to my knowledge, Gen and I have started a legacy hahahahaha FOP is Fresh off the plane HAHAHA ... this is what genuine is. one of those misfits haha that cbc's think is a FOB and FOB's think is a cbc-- see the dilemna? by creating the new term FOP, we have de-misfitized the inbetweenies ^_^ secondly, i don't like banana's. but i get called a banana because i'm "yellow on the outside, white on the inside" but bananas are mushy and yucky . sooo... i should be better described as a TWINKIE ^_^ muahahaha twinkies are *sweet* and yummilicious unlike banana's :D yayayayay. everyone must be so enlightened by me and gen's intillect :P

i want modrobes.

did you know that the tubules of smooth ER also have enzymes embedded on the inner surface for processing macromolecules such as lipids? in addition to synthesizing phospholipids, smooth ER can have specialized functions in differnt cells. For example, the smooth ER produces testosterone (a lipid) in testicular cells. O_o dont' we all learn something new everyday :P
i'm going to die on my bio test tommorow.
cram cram cram .... O_-

yay WCI =) ra! .... but we lost the battle of waterloo again... i didn't go though... i was prevented by the incredible amount of crap i had to do... but our school is still better even tho it loses against bci every single year... hopefully tho... next year we'll win =)

i'm printing out this history thing that was the reason i didn't go last nite.

i just wanted to say.... that i dont'w ant to kill myself. i was reading over some archives and it sounds sort of like i do.... i will explain later... but i have got to go back to english ... i'll explain more later... i've discovered that i've been really freaking people out... but i'll explain later. i want some cookies mm....

fast blog then email check.. been overplaying this song a lot on my comp~ btw i'm not on icq much because my network got screwed over much like the rest of my life. ANyWAYS... yes i've been listening to this song a lot... thot to myself it reminded me a lot of struggling with sin and stuff but couldn't make out the words in the verses and when i looked it up i found the song *is* about that after all... ~ it describes a lot of what i've been feeling lately ... better than i can anyway.
~*~*~*
Digging deep, I feel my conscience burn
I need to know who or what I am
This hunger jolts me from complacency
It rocks me... and makes me... meet myself

'cause Jacob walked a limp to remind him
Of the greater gift of the greater one
But when I fell, fell to my own resources
How can I carry the truth, if I can't.. crawl to you?

I want to feel.. something SWEETER THAN THIS SIN
Cover me in leaves.. roll me over again
'cause I've been everybody else
Now I want to be something... closer to myself

Paint me in a different light
Shed me yet another coat of skin
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again
'cause I'm so SICK and TIRED... of being SICK and TIRED
I know I can love you.. I know that I can!
[chorus]
[kendall payne - closer to myself]

me, myself, and i. [have i been spending too much time alone?]

me: gosh this day really really really sucked. *inhale* *exhale*
myself: yeah that's for sure. we've been to hell and back today.
i: no... we haven't experienced hell. i'm quite sure it's a lot worse than today was.
myself: shut up.
me: i can't take much of this anymore. it's like the whole world is against me. it's like no matter how hard i try to get things right i still do them wrong. i can never measure up i can never fix my own problems... i've screwed up so many things here... friendships, work, and just all sorts of things... i wanna scream!
myself: ya kno you're right. you can't do anything we should all just give up... give up and screw this shit hole.
i: please don't swear.
me: ugh shut up! stop telling me not to swear stop telling me what to do all the time!!! i've tried. i've tried to get it right i've tried to be a good person or do good things. now i realize that i can't. i'm just a stupid girl who really should stop wasting her time with trying. all people notice is the bad things i do anyways.
myself: right on!
me: i just want to get out. get out of this stupid place that reminds me only of the fact that i can't do anything. that rubs my problems in my face.
myself: then do it. it's not that hard. go.
i: why dont' you just pray about it...
me: i've only prayed about it about a bazillion times.
i: then pray a bazillion more times.
me: i wanna get out. then i'll pray a bazillion more times.
myself: so where are we going?
me: i don't know.

i can't stop thinking. thoughts are rushing through my mind like some crazy raging river.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PATTYCAKES AND LYDS =) =)
happy belated thanksgiving everyone! i'm thankful for you :)

hahahahahaha-- fwd i got below... suits my mood today. i'm really not having a good day at all. everyone is really pissing me off. and also, i can't stop thinking about how stupid i am because of something i did that has seemingly screwed up a friendship forever. i went for a walk today alone and sat in the park with my sketchbook, my dicsman and my scrapbook~ aloneness can be so therapeutic. especially when you just want to get away from your family.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill
today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes
I step on today as they may be connected
to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger
and tell them to bite me!

i finally put in my guestbook! :D i got it like months and months ago but was just too lazy to stick it up on the pg =P so now i did... soooo... sign it!! =D thanks muah*** ~
i went to the photography meeting today =) i'm so superdidooperly excited!! my dad's letting me use his camera too -- it's supposedly a nice camera that's like really expensive -- but old. but i can't use mine cuz mine uses APS film...
after the meeting today, jo and i walked home together-- twas a nice make up for our lack of weekly mcdonalds breakfast bonding time... also, ya know how i've been wanting to get away? hum.. maybe maybe not. anyways. i've been wanting to get away from the reality of my world for a bit. wanting to go back to pei or just disappear for a while... not have to be me or at least not have to think about being me. well today i got my wish. hahahahaa~*~*~ tis too funny :) if you were there u would be crackin up too =P ... well jo and i are walking down university and seeing all these uw pplz and whatever and jo's like "ugh. we don't look like we're in university."
and i was like "well maybe we could pass as frosh.." and right then these two girls [who we assumed were frosh] walked by and the one girl's like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!!!" so we started laughing our heads off and being like "i'm *SO SURPRISED*!! there. now i'm a frosh hahaha." and i dun remember who it was that was like "oooh! let's pretend we're frosh and start talking about intelligent stuff!" so jo starts and the first intelligent thing that comes to her mind is --- fatty acids! hahahahaha so we became general science frosh! :) her name -- mckenzie lee and mine was ryanne chan or did i change it to dani or somethign i can't remember. anyhoo so we're just like "SOOOO... how are your classes going? it's *so* cool that we are in the same biology class! i'm *so surprised*! our prof is very nice.." blablabalbla and we started asking eachother "so... what highschool did you go to?" and all this omgoodness it was so funny and we were actually acting so serious about it as we passed people standing around and stuff and they *so* thought we were university students they did they did! and supposedly, i have a boyfriend named jordan that goes to western and "mckenzie" has a sister named Lucy who's in fourth year in pei hahaha... yes... i know we're strange but it was our hyper deed of the day =P but in a strange way it was not fun only because we were being silly but because i got to assume another identity and for an hour, become someone who didn't have to deal with any of the things in my life right now...
but on the other hand... it also made me think about [because mckenzie and ryanne's lives were sort of screwed up] how many amazing blessings i have and how great God is to me all the time. ... i was listening to Before Your Love by kelly clarkson and it's about a guy but part of it really reminds me totally of God's love [>]
"I wonder how I ever made it through the day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray?
When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don't know how
And I looked into your eyes
With the world stretched out in front of me and I realized
I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived before your love " [kelly clarkson]

everyone wash your instant noodles. [patty does too :)] wow i'm just discovering all these people who care about not eating wax! hoorah! :)

p.s. bo peep also washes her noodles heehee =)
pps. i don't like needles =( owie.

in the libraryagain... i signed out of study today:) goingto getmyTBskintest done in like 20min...so i'm chilling herefor 20minwhile i wait for my mom. it'sthis computer again. ahk! why is it that everytime i come to the lib i get stuckwith thestupid computer with the messed up keyboard? hmph.

Miss Vickie's Roasted GarlicandHerb chipsare really good... just picked myself up some :9 yum yum.they are loaded with msg...but SOOO good. at least no wax unlike instant noodles ... unless u wash them like tm does. but idon't think very many people do. boy oh boy i want more. by the way, sheepie, that is hilarious! who wrote that? hahahahahaha i'm guessing caleb hahahahahaha so funny. iknow it wasn't me. i wrote "for God so loved the world that He gave his oneand only son thatwhosoever believesin him shall not perishbut have ever lasting life." bORing. well no. it's really not boring, it'sthe actual thing. but i then, didn't make up an interperative dance to go with it either =P

excerpt from an email i wrote my friend today ==>>i miss you la!
[things have been really bleh. i've been really frustrated by my own incompetance compared to others lately ... today sort of set it off... i dunno ... i'm pmsing and then there's just all these ppl who are just pissing me off so much but i really wanna try to not be so reactive in every situation so i shut up and keep it inside like today with ********** and ********.. and then there's guitar which just proves how much better all my friends are than me and ughughguhguhguhgh i'm just so sick of it all and also i DON"T HTINK I HAVE A SPIRITUAL GIFT! *inhale* exhale* ... calm calm calm calm calm ... ]
need some midol.

having one of those days. one of those days where it's hard... hard to remember the significance of my existance. wait a sec. what significance? i'm not quite sure what is the matter with me these days. but i'm suddenly feeling this big insecurity that i usually do not displeasure of feeling. perhaps this is due to certain elements such as the weather or the time of the month. =P

i think it was lyds who once said that i never blog about my family. well here i go-- my mother was pissing me off so increduously much today i wanted to scream! as i said, i haven't had a great week and i was trying to talk to her about one of these insecurities that i've bee feeling. i was telling her about how this guy in my bio class came up to dora and i and asked dora for her contact info etc.. and how all these guys have been going for dora lately and bla bla bla... oh my goodness are mothers not supposed to care about your feelings? well i really don't think mine does because gosh she just was like "oh! did dora give him her info?" and i'm like "yeah.." and she's like "omg if someone asks you don't give them your info bla bla bal bla" and i was just like "OH MY GOSH! WHO FRIGGEN CARES!??!!" here i am trying to pour my heart out to her and all she cares abotu is stupid little details that are of no significance cuz if she can't tell the whole POINT to the story in the first place is about how these situations are NOT HAPPENING TO *ME*!!!!! why is it that she can't be just a bit more sensitive?! and then she gets all pissed and is like "that's important! you have such a bad attitude." well guess what? i dont' friggen care if i am the biggest bitch in the entire world right now. but of course my feelings come second to your ridiculous obsession with the unimportant details in my stories. i can't stand it when people do that. pick at the little tiny things i say and point out all my mistakes in my sentences... like when i'm going on a rant and they interupt me when i swear or say something that is not good enough for them. well gosh maybe just once in a while i'd like it if people could just listen to me. just listen and give their opinion at the end about the actual situation and not about how the car in my story should actually be blue not yellow or something. i've been finding this a lot with my mom lately. it's just been like... crazy. i was so happy last week cuz this girl that i was praying would come to church came and when i asked her if she'd help out with singsperation she said yes and i was so psyched so i started to tell my mom and i was like "oh my gosh! you know what happened? you know victoria?..." and she's like "why do you always have to say oh my gosh or whatever? you always say that. one of the people i work with said that's not good" [she always talks about the people she works with. they thing pissed off means something abotu a horse peeing or something O_o] and i just got so mad because i had the most greatest news and all she can do is pick at whatever doesn't matter and i was just like "forget it." and walked off cuz i just can't take it anymore.

anyways i could go on about my dad and my sister but i'll save that for another day. i'm already stressed out enuff. have worship practice tommorow :D so excited cuz i haven't done worship since summer... cept i'm also not excited at the same time because i dont' get to drum this term... but that's ok. i'm open for new experiences... we shall see how it goes :P ... gonna go catch up on some sleep. or something.

[this pic is soo cute :) it's from this amazing book of photography i got for my birthday from gen waiki and lue it's prolly one of my favourite things i own-- AHH! i love photography... ]


"hanging from the ceiling life's a mobile spinning round with mixed feelings crazy and wild... sometimes i wanna SCREAM OUT LOUD-- everything's changing when i turn around all out of my control i'm a mobile..."
summer's over. or so it seems... it got pretty hot again these past few days but i think it's pretty much settling into fall now... ahhhh i'm gonna miss my tan. the sun beating down on my bare skin-- mmmm. summer's my favourite season-- the season in which i have not a care in the world as i bask about in the sunlight soaking in the warmth of the rays contemplating what i'd like to do in the next spur of a moment. i flip my hair to the expectations of the world. now it's fall... i'm into the school *gag* mode now. dreading each day as it comes.. having only weekends as a motivation to move on with each passing hour, with each passing class. SAT meeting tommorow morning. will i go to school in the states? will i not? what are my future plans for my life? "what are you going to be when you grow up?" the "overkilled" question haunts my mind as even my subconcious is asking me. you know there's something unsettling about realizing that each grade you make is contributing to either helping or ruining your future. my gosh. i don't wanna deal with this right now. perhaps i will go to Devri [right dora? hahahaha] or perhaps gladys and i will get our cardboard box lol [along with our couch that was thrown out by someone in wcri and our keyboard-so we can make some moula] =) =P where will i be in two years time? i can't believe i have to decide in one. i'm sixteen-- i'm goign to university when i'm still seventeen-- ugh. where will all my friends be? where will everything i'm used to be?....



i feel like i need a hug right now. when i close my eyes i can just picture myself as that little girl *grin* so much is going on. hugs are for happy and sad...
happy: Waterloo Christian fellowship [aka Interschool C F] started today.. i'm hoping to get a lot more involved this year... last year i just showed up and sat around...
singsperation stuff is starting to get done..... starting...
i'm learnign guitar!!! omgomgomg yeah :) i'm hoping i'll be able to play good soon :D
this girl... who isn't a christian who i've been praying for is coming to church now.. it's more complicated then that so more happier but i dun feel like typing it all out...
sad: school
feeling betrayed. not gonna say by whom. but let's just say when people say something they should keep their word. when people say ur their friend they should act it. when people say they arent' goign to change due to certain circumstances they shouldn't. don't treat me like an inferior you dick [even tho you're not reading most likely] who the hell do you think you are? jsut because i'm a 16 year old girl doesn't mean what you say to me doesn't count. oh my goodness betrayed is not the word. more like stabbed.
i have zero love life right now... i have no boyfriend and no interests. nothing. ahhh :P that could be good too i guess. *sigh*

well that's all for now. hey lookie there's more happy things then sad things.... hoorah!

school---the pain of my existance.=P
mygoodness i wanna go home. it's 9:00am. i'm supposed tobe in english class...but my english teacher isa sweetheart and she doesn't carewhat i do=) ...yayay.butthat doesn't mean i'mhaving any more funhere inthelibrary AH!!! this stupid spacebar doesn't work properlyat all!!! =P
*sigh* i'm gonna go back to class this is pointless and email is firewalled. howabsolutelyretarded.

for vida... =) bah- ha [tm on the floor]
and for general amusement. i took this pic out of complete innocence. i didn't know he sprained his ankle. i thought he was just rolling on the ground. i am so bored now i'm describing this stupid picture. i hate school. we should be paid to do homework...

bday update still comin jo... sorry.

"Nothing brings more joy and meaning into any of our lives than the awareness of being loved. " [Anon.]
wow.
this has been a weekend full of memories that are like colours too vibrant to ever fade... i've been looking forward to my sixteenth bday my whole life... and wow. i really got more than i ever imagined.
i'll explain more tommorow.
o/~ I AM SIXTEEN GOING ON SEVENTEEN!!!!!!o/~

half and hour and then it'll be one day.
one day until sixteen. the moment i've been waiting for all my entire life.
people are like "birthday's aren't a big deal" or whatever... but omg sixteen is a big deal. well for me anyways... i've dreamed of this forever.
of being able to drive. [freedom]
of being able to sing "i am sixteen going on seventeen" and actually have it be a reality... except not the part with the guy... but hey, it's gotta happen sooner or later right? hopefully this year.
of being that *magical* age they portray in the movies ... i know life isn't *really* like the movies. but hey, a girl can dream.
there's more.. but i think i've already made a list of all the benifits of being 16 before so i'll spare you from my long windedness =P

news! i'm getting over him.. the guy i like[d] i mean... today as i was walking home with one of my better guy friends and was joking around with him and feeling really great like i usually do when i'm around him... i realized something. it was so sudden like *poof* .. "OH!" ya know? ... this friend... he's so sweet [no i don't like him he's not available] and just... we dont' hang out *that* much but whenever we do... it's like i always feel so wanted and so ... special. like he really actually appreciates me and what i have to say and jsut me. he just acts like i matter. he doesn't look down on me and doesn't act as if he's better than me or as if i am some stupid girl that doesn't know anything. i love being around him. that's the kind of guy i want. [not him but ya..] the guy i currently am interested in doesn't and can't give me that. he's too set in this mindset that i'm some kid who needs to be taught everything or something. and that because of my age i *must* be a certain way... which is totally untrue. he can never really completely know me because he's just too busy remembering about how i'm different and can never equate to his status. [dont' get me wrong this guy is a totally amazing guy! i wouldn't spend so much time on him if he wasn't. and he's really nice....] but he's not the type for me. i think i will jsut love him as a brother and a friend and forget about him as a potential romantic partner because... he can't love me if he won't take the time to truly truly know me. and i deserve more than that. i made up my mind that God wants me to have more. He wants me to have true love. and i'm gonna "guard my heart" for that true love. i may not think that God planned a specific person for me but i think that he planned for me to have true love that's for sure. i definitely do not have the "gift of singleness". anyhoo... i'm gradually getting over the guy. i still have a really strong attraction to him but i think it'll dissappate soon. :) hoorah! then us girlies can start on our "no guy" thing and see who lasts the longest! i bet i lose :P shmeh. i'm still guy crazy.

15 min. to one day now.

feeling blue, didn't know what to do...

then along came a pal and a whole buncha cows...

and made everything happy and cool! ^_^

yeah that's my poem :P these are the less weird of joanna and my webcam pics haha... they made a nice story =P but i think i'm feeling alot better =) and i have resolved to get over the guy that i am currently in like with. no more breakin MY heart! =P ... five days left...

my feelings....
Without You [kiss]
As I sit here and think
about all that I'm missing.
all that I'm missing oh yeah
But everything that
I could ever ask for of you

All the past time i've spent,
wondered how you've been,
wondered how you've been oh yeah
But the more that you're on my mind,
I'm just lonely and blue can't you see

Why can't you be with me to hold me tight,
just being with you will make everything better and right.

Chorus:
I wanna have you by my side
you always make it right
and without you my heart starts to cry
How will I ever go on,
how will I stay strong
don't you see without you my soul dies

boys are really poopie. [some not all] it's times like this when you need your best so much :P jo and i hung out tonite... took pics withmy web cam which i will post for your amusement tommorow.... gotta go to sleep.... slave labour at 8:15 tommorow :P

*inhale*.... *exhale*.... this is me trying to keep myself from screaming and tearing things apart. in and out. in and out. played around with the image some... trying to be artsy and creative always calms me down. just went around with my dad's digital taking pics of my piano, my origami ball, and my cow.... can't wait to upload those pics so i can screw around with them too-- fun! yes i realize i amuse only myself =P i'm not even going to blog about what's bothering me. already prayed about it. asked God to take away my resentment. it worked for like five minutes..but it's better than before. i need to start building more self control which i do not have.

chilled at eumie's today.. chatting and making almond tofu and stuff... somethign she said really struck me though. we were just like talking about who knows what and then she goes "so... do you think you've grown spiritually at all during the last year?" and i was like "erh? i dunno...." i mean, i never really thought about it... but i'm really glad she thought of bringing it up because... gosh. i really need to get going on doing somethign with my life. God's really just been yelling in my ear for the past week. i really gotta quit pushing Him aside and getting back on track. it's so crazy He's been sending me so many obvious obvious wake up calls... i'm just too much of a loser to listen.

went out with heidi tonite. after not seeing her for a whole entire week [her being at western and all] it was so great just to be able to chill. we went to mikeys and sat around with kat and amanda and pastor tim and uncle michael and auntie sandy =) just... relaly nice. and then we went to williams and i got a steamer :) that was really nice too. great fun :) girly time =) *grin* only downside. found out some stuff that made me all bleh.

and now. back to bleh. gosh do you ever get that horrible feeling in your gut... that feeling you get when you know someone you really care about doesn't care at all for you? i got this card from someone once that said "the greatest feeling in the world is the knowledge of being loved." well in the same way i think one of the worst feelings in the world is the knowledge of not being loved. i feel like someone took a knife and stabbed it into my chest and reached in and pulled my heart out. i have that feeling that i just want to scream and cry and cry... but i have no tears. so the feeling is all choked up inside. and it won't come out. it's just inside waiting.... waiting until it explodes and i will burst into a million broken pieces on the floor. i wish i would. then maybe i wouldn't feel so hopelessly shattered inside.

<<== and here it is again. as if we all haven't looked at it enough as it is... anyways.. to continue with my rant/story, my family and i were getting me a backpack and we drove by old navy which my mom was like "oh go in! just go look!" so i was like "k" and we went in. i bought a backpack blablabla and my ten year old sister goes to me as we're leaving "I want a rugby shirt!!!!" O_o i seriously can't believe it. gosh. why would anyone want those shirts? they aren't even really that nice and *plus* EVERYONE has one! it's like the commercial should be "if you want to be a clone, buy a rugby shirt!" which actually rugby players don't even wear =P at least dora doesn't. *anyhoo* my dislike of the rugby shirt is totally not the point of this.

see i was reading my *#1 Best's blog[>] and she was writing about her feelings this first week of gr. 11 and she said "being myself isn't ENOUGH to fit in." Gosh. wow. i never knew she felt that way. and i guess at first when i read it i could only think of about a million things to say to disagree with her saying she doesn't fit in cuz she does for sure in my eyes. all i could think of was to rant to her about how she's just really paranoid or whatever but then... i stopped for a moment. and thought to myself. well, jazz she can think whatever she wants and really, it's not your place to tell her how to feel. i can't say i can relate to her. i dont' get this feeling of not fitting in. but i think i can try to understand. i remember we got into this fight a few weeks ago... she said something to me that really shook me up... i can't remember the exact words but it was something like "i don't feel as if i'm as cool as you and so and so and i just feel like a big loser all the time" gosh i can't think of anything that freaked me out as much as that. this girl is my best friend. and i can't think of anyone who i'd rather be best friends with more than her. but i guess i can stand there and argue with her about how she really does fit in which she does and she's not a loser which she isn't but... i think i'd rather say to her that it doesn't matter about fitting in or not fitting in or whether or not you wear a rugby shirt or if you're the most popular girl in school or if you're the biggest geek in the history of the universe. i mean, honestly who really wants to be the same as everyone else? who sets the standards of what's cool and what's not? i think the people who go around judging others and thinking they are too good for them or whatever are the biggest losers because they lose out on meeting certain people that might have the most awesomest personalities... people who do that, or people that make you think "whoa...... am i WEIRD or something? or do i have a disease? hmmm.. or maybe both..." are either not worth your time or are giving these signals unintentionally.

i have to admit, after this first week and after thinking about this in great detail i realize i really need a huge attitude adjustment. i've been complaining to all my friends about how my classes suck so much on account of "all these weird people" being in them and how "so and so is a really big freak" and i'd have to say i am guilty of trying to ignore ppl who think they are my friends but i dont' consider them as such. the one girl in my chem class (her name is yimeng and she was in my latin class last year) she's really smart and she doesn't hang around the same group of people that i do. i don't like her. i don't like her because she said that if she was pregnant with a baby she'd "kill the thing" and also, she was saying stuff about my friend to people. but i realize that i don't only dislike her for those reasons. i think deep down i'm afraid that if i talk to her my image will go down or something stupid like that. i think i sort of prejudged her even before she did those things because i've always thought of her as "that weird smelly girl". it's really bad i know but i guess i've just never given it much thought. so anyways, in chem she came up behind me and like punched me in the back sorta and i looked up and she was like "HI!" like really happily as if she just found out that her best friend was in her class or something...and i was like "hi..." but i wasn't really friendly and i guess i didn't seem to want to talk to her. i feel so bad. i think that by having some strange idea in my mind that she was "such a loser" makes me such a loser. next week, i am resolving to really change my attitude and give everyone the chance they deserve. i'm going to toss the "i'm the center of the universe" act and just concentrate on loving everyone. afterall, i'm a Christian and as such i should display God's love to everyone. cuz He really *IS* the center of the universe and if he loved all these people so much that he'd die for them as well as me... then who am i to act like i'm better cuz i'm NOT. prayers would be helpful thanks. =) ... and to my #1: [i love you hun just like you are. don't ever dare change, and just screw all those stupid people who try to step on others to make themselves feel better, love yourself and everyone will love you =) they already do. =P] *muah*