the future... pshaw.*what* future?


"i still find need to pray... sometimes i get tired walking through these ordinary days. if nothing else i get to see you even if we never speak all the words sometimes we don't quite know what they really mean. i dont' know where i dont' know how i dont' know why but Your love can make these things better." jars of clay~ i am SO SICK of this. i am sick and tired of not knowing what i want to do with my life. i'm sick of feeling all this pressure to know.. to do well in school... to whatever. it's like i'm in some kind of glass jar and these giant people are observing and analyzing me. my parents went to Parent Teacher Night today... basically it's not really interviews you just walk around and talk to all the teachers you feel like talking to or whatever i guess. no... my teachers didn't go balistic about how much they hate me. in fact they said mostly good things. so you must be wondering.."what the heck is wrong then?" well what's wrong is that apparently it's still not good enough because i'm not sure what i want to do with my life. hell i'm sixteen years old since when did sixteen year olds have to decide what they wanted to do for the rest of their entire lives. i know this is so contradictory to what i normally say abotu how not to treat me like some retard because i'm young. but i'm just so stressed. i'm sure many 16 yr olds are quite capable of knowing what they want with their lives. but not me. perhaps i'm just stupid. PERHAPS?? no. i AM. i know i am. the marks... fine. whatever... they're ok. i can improve and i WILL. i DON'T need to stop doing stuff on the weekend to do so. i don't. i have it under control. you know what's sad? the things i do on the weekend are normally church related. not that church is sad or whatever i love it. but it's not like i'm partying all the time or anything. gosh. i'm such a geek compared to most of my friends.... but yet... i dunno. anyway that's not my concern. i'm not worried about my marks because i know that i can pull them out without having to stop doing stuff on the weekends. i know how to balance it out without stopping doing the things i love most. but what i *am* worried about is the fact that i dont' know what to do!!!!! ok. the guidance counselor supposedly said if i dont' know what i want to do by Feb. 2003 i should definitely take five years instead of four. ok there is NO WAY i am taking 5 years. you know they shouldn't tell people that because it tempts me to hastily pick something stupid to take so i can get out in 4 years. gosh people this is a girl's life you have in your hands. my LIFE. something i do for the REST OF MY LIFE. and i am not stupid. i'm not. i've always been an enrichment kid up til grade nine people used to ask me for help argh... memories of the smart days... sorry. i'm just so frustrated. ugh i have a headache. so... i have two requests. 1. stop bugging me stop pressuring me stop talking to me about school. just NEVER mention school in my presence again. ok. well not never but as little as possible. i am handling it and i am taking my future into my own hands.i'll do what is neccessary on my own schedule. [btw if this does not apply to you don't feel like i'm accusing eveyrone of doing that. i'm not.]
2. please pray for me. thanks =)

oh and also... if you can be of any academic assistance please feel free to contact me hahaha... =P bah.